Latest / The Letterbox Podcast / Dear You | Domestic Abuse Survivor Story: A Powerful Letter About Coercive Control, Healing & Hope

Transcript

Dear You | Domestic Abuse Survivor Story: A Powerful Letter About Coercive Control, Healing & Hope · The Letterbox Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to you, the Letterbox Podcast.
• 0:03
  Before we begin, this episode does come with a gentle note.
• 0:08
  The letter I'm about to read discusses domestic abuse and
• 0:12
  coercive control. If anything in this conversation
• 0:16
  brings up difficult feelings for you, please no, you do not have
• 0:20
  to navigate this alone. Support is available and you
• 0:24
  deserve to be heard and helped. If you're in the UK, you can
• 0:32
  find some of the domestic abuse support services listed in the
• 0:35
  notes for this episode. And if you're listening from
• 0:39
  outside the UK and you need help finding local support, you are
• 0:43
  very welcome to reach out to me directly and I will do my
• 0:46
  absolute best to try and help you find a service in your area.
• 0:51
  This letter was sent in anonymously by a writer who
• 0:54
  reached out to share her lived experience.
• 0:58
  She explained that it took a long time to feel she was able
• 1:01
  to write this at all, and that the letter comes from a deeply
• 1:04
  personal place of reflection. After years of trying to make
• 1:08
  sense of what she has lived through.
• 1:10
  She describes her experience of domestic violence and coercive
• 1:13
  control. She spoke about how confusing
• 1:17
  and disorientating it all was and how it gradually eroded her
• 1:20
  confidence, self trust, and sense of reality.
• 1:25
  Alongside this, she shared that leaving the relationship marked
• 1:29
  the beginning of a long rebuilding process.
• 1:34
  Around the same time, she started her own business, began
• 1:37
  focusing on healing, and slowly worked towards rebuilding her
• 1:40
  life and identity. Her healing is ongoing and not
• 1:45
  linear. The woman who wrote this letter
• 1:48
  wanted to highlight the ongoing issues surrounding domestic
• 1:50
  violence and how at times, victims can be portrayed as
• 1:54
  abusers. She explains that this is
• 1:56
  something she personally experienced and it took a long
• 1:59
  time for her to find her voice and begin trusting her own
• 2:02
  reality again. She explained she feels
• 2:05
  passionate about helping others who have experienced similar
• 2:08
  trauma through sharing her lived experience in creating spaces
• 2:11
  that encourage healing and hope. She finished by saying that
• 2:17
  she's really thankful to the Letterbox podcast for providing
• 2:23
  a platform where stories like hers can be shared.
• 2:25
  And that means more to her than she can express, which is really
• 2:29
  touching because to be honest, it's me that's thankful to her.
• 2:37
  What follows is her letter. It is incredibly personal,
• 2:40
  emotional, and written from a place of survival, reflection
• 2:45
  and truth. So this brave letter is dear
• 2:52
  you. Dear you.
• 2:57
  For years, I carried the weight of our relationship, but
• 3:02
  believing that if I just loved harder, tried harder, or changed
• 3:08
  myself enough that things would get better.
• 3:12
  Instead, I slowly lost myself. The years I spent with you had a
• 3:20
  devastating impact not only on me, but on my children as well.
• 3:25
  We lived in an environment filled with fear, tension, and
• 3:29
  unpredictability. We walked on egg shells, never
• 3:34
  knowing which version of you we would get.
• 3:40
  You made me feel small. You humiliated me, belittled me
• 3:48
  and constantly blamed me for your behaviour.
• 3:54
  Nothing was ever your fault. Somehow every angry outburst,
• 3:59
  every cruel word and every act of abuse became my
• 4:03
  responsibility. You wore me down to the point I
• 4:08
  questioned my own reality. I became confused and unsure of
• 4:15
  myself. You convinced me that I was the
• 4:19
  problem, that I was a bad person and that I needed help.
• 4:26
  You painted yourself as the victim while I carried the
• 4:31
  wounds. Your family enabled it.
• 4:37
  They stood by and watched while I was torn apart.
• 4:44
  On one occasion, your own mother punched me in the throat in an
• 4:50
  act of violence I will never forget.
• 4:55
  Yet somehow, I still made to feel as though I deserved what
• 5:02
  happened to me. You had the police convinced
• 5:06
  that you were the victim. I began to believe your version
• 5:12
  of events too. You made me think I was
• 5:16
  ungrateful, that you were doing your best for me and my
• 5:21
  children, and that I simply couldn't see it.
• 5:25
  Love doesn't leave someone broken.
• 5:32
  Love doesn't involve smashed car windows, damaged belongings and
• 5:38
  clothes thrown away in fits of rage.
• 5:42
  Love doesn't involve hospital visits because of the person who
• 5:46
  is supposed to protect you. Doesn't leave you covered in
• 5:50
  bruises, grazes and injuries. Taking photographs as evidence
• 5:55
  because they have been made to question their own reality.
• 6:02
  There were times you bruised me so badly that I couldn't even
• 6:07
  bear to look at myself in the mirror.
• 6:11
  I have endless photos of bruises, grazes, and injuries,
• 6:19
  Painful reminders of what I endured.
• 6:24
  No one should have to document their injuries just to remind
• 6:29
  themselves that what happened to them was real.
• 6:34
  Those marks eventually faded from my skin, but the fear,
• 6:39
  humiliation and trauma remained long after the bruises
• 6:45
  disappeared. You drank every day, and when
• 6:54
  you were drunk, another side of you appeared, one that was even
• 7:00
  crueller. Even nastier, the abuse
• 7:08
  escalated and my children witnessed things no child should
• 7:12
  ever have to see. I will never forget the day you
• 7:17
  dragged me through a sliding door while my then nine year old
• 7:21
  son was there watching, kicked me to the ground.
• 7:25
  On the pavers outside, my child saw his mother being hurt by
• 7:32
  someone who claimed to love her. No child should carry memories
• 7:39
  like that. My children were subjected to
• 7:44
  witnessing horrible acts of abuse against me and that is
• 7:48
  something they should never have had to endure.
• 7:53
  The scars you left are not all visible.
• 7:58
  They are in the anxiety, the self doubt, the years spent
• 8:06
  questioning my worth and trying to rebuild what was destroyed.
• 8:13
  But this letter is not about giving you another chance to
• 8:18
  explain your actions. It's about finally speaking my
• 8:25
  truth. I survived the emotional,
• 8:32
  physical and mental abuse. My children and I survived it.
• 8:38
  And although you tried to convince me that I was broken, I
• 8:43
  now know the truth. I was never the problem, I was
• 8:51
  simply trying to survive someone who refused to take
• 8:55
  responsibility for the pain they caused.
• 8:59
  Today I choose myself. I choose healing.
• 9:10
  I choose peace, I choose to rebuild the parts of me that
• 9:18
  were lost trying to survive you and I choose to never again
• 9:28
  accept a love that requires me or my children to live in fear.
• 9:38
  Goodbye. I like so many who are going to
• 9:47
  hear those words are going to be unsure what it is that you can
• 9:53
  say to somebody who's been through something like that.
• 9:58
  I know I've said this before. I really didn't know what this
• 10:03
  podcast would be when I started two months ago, but the fact
• 10:08
  that it's giving a place for people like this to share their
• 10:12
  stories and create a space where they're hoping that other people
• 10:16
  might hear their story and go and seek help, it's really hard
• 10:21
  to put that into words. So, so thank you.
• 10:25
  That's not enough, really, but thank you to the woman who wrote
• 10:29
  this in. You're incredibly, incredibly
• 10:31
  brave and strong and living through something like this,
• 10:35
  surviving it, escaping it, and then choosing to share it with
• 10:40
  the world just to hope that someone else who's going through
• 10:44
  something similar might seek help.
• 10:45
  It's just an amazing act of humanity.
• 10:50
  Again, if you've listened to this and this experience is
• 10:53
  something that is resonating with you, please seek help.
• 10:57
  You are so deserving of love, and I mean real love, real safe
• 11:04
  love. You are not alone.
• 11:06
  You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be safe.
• 11:12
  Abuse can be confusing and isolating, but there are people
• 11:17
  and organisations out there to help you make sense of what
• 11:20
  you're going through or what you have experienced.
• 11:23
  Once again, thank you so much for sharing your story.
• 11:28
  I know that someone out there will hear this and it will make
• 11:31
  a difference. And to all of you who are
• 11:34
  listening, thank you so much for being here and being a part of
• 11:39
  the Letterbox podcast. These letters are real.
• 11:42
  They are real people's stories and they are people who want
• 11:45
  their stories to be heard. And the fact that you are
• 11:47
  listening to them with me means the world to us.
• 11:52
  Remember to follow and like and share.
• 11:55
  By doing so, you are allowing me to make sure that these letters
• 11:59
  are being heard. Until next time, look after
• 12:03
  yourselves. Sending you so much love.