Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #981 Am I The Only One Not Interested in Intimacy?
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
- 0:05Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.
- 0:10Speaker 1: Now, just before we dive into today's podcast, a quick
- 0:13Speaker 1: content warning. Today we will be talking about all things intimacy.
- 0:16Speaker 1: Well not all things, but a lot of things intimacy related.
- 0:19Speaker 1: The content of today's podcast is not for children. It's
- 0:23Speaker 1: for grown ups. So if you've got the kids in
- 0:25Speaker 1: the car or wherever you are, and you're listening, and
- 0:27Speaker 1: you usually listen to this podcast together, this is your
- 0:30Speaker 1: last chance to say, hang on, kids, this one's not
- 0:32Speaker 1: for you, because this one's just for the grown ups.
- 0:36Speaker 1: I'm a little bit nervous about this one, Kylie. Can
- 0:37Speaker 1: I tell you why? Because our son in law and
- 0:41Speaker 1: our daughter might be listening if they listen to the podcast,
- 0:45Speaker 1: and I know what we're going to be talking about today,
- 0:52Speaker 1: all right, so let's dive into it. Content warning is
- 0:54Speaker 1: taken care of. The question came through to podcasts at
- 0:57Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot au. We started a new segment.
- 1:00Speaker 1: It's called is it just Me? Is it just me?
- 1:04Speaker 1: And somebody sent you on is it just me?
- 1:05Speaker 3: For us?
- 1:05Speaker 1: They said, is it just me? Or am I the
- 1:07Speaker 1: only one who has zero interest? In being intimate with
- 1:09Speaker 1: my partner. Is it just me or are other people
- 1:12Speaker 1: feeling the same way.
- 1:14Speaker 2: I remember, not long after we'd had baby number three.
- 1:18Speaker 1: Just be careful with what you say here. I'm really
- 1:19Speaker 1: nervous about whether this's going to go.
- 1:21Speaker 2: Walking into the doctor's office and said, I don't think
- 1:25Speaker 2: I care if I ever have sex again.
- 1:28Speaker 1: I'm glad that changed clearly. We had three more kids,
- 1:30Speaker 1: so it did. I said, there.
- 1:33Speaker 2: Must be something wrong with me. He didn't even take
- 1:35Speaker 2: it up. We didn't even have a conversation about it.
- 1:38Speaker 1: Just move on next thing. So a quick experience that
- 1:42Speaker 1: I had. I was running a presentation in Sydney many
- 1:45Speaker 1: years ago. I was at a private girls school talking
- 1:47Speaker 1: to a group of well being stuff. We were doing
- 1:50Speaker 1: a wellbeing session and I was talking about some science
- 1:52Speaker 1: that shows that when you are mindful and thinking about
- 1:55Speaker 1: what you're doing, your happiness levels are higher. When you're
- 1:59Speaker 1: not mindful, that is, when you're thinking about something other
- 2:01Speaker 1: than what you're doing, your happiness levels, your well being
- 2:04Speaker 1: levels are lower. And there was a research paper that
- 2:06Speaker 1: was published in the highly prestigious journal Nature and the
- 2:10Speaker 1: number one thing, the number one thing on the list
- 2:12Speaker 1: highlighting what people are doing and thinking about it at
- 2:14Speaker 1: the same time, so therefore they're feeling happy. Was And
- 2:17Speaker 1: then I stopped and looked at the group of people
- 2:19Speaker 1: in front of me and said, well, what do you
- 2:20Speaker 1: think the answer is. I listened to this half a
- 2:23Speaker 1: dozen or this dozen strong group of women as they
- 2:27Speaker 1: came up with every answer they possibly could, trying to
- 2:31Speaker 1: work out what it is that you do and think
- 2:33Speaker 1: about it while you're doing the same things. Like eating,
- 2:35Speaker 1: I'm like, no, people don't think about what they're eating.
- 2:37Speaker 1: They just put food in their face. Exercising like, no,
- 2:40Speaker 1: people often think about anything except the exercise because it hurts.
- 2:43Speaker 1: They kept on coming up with somebody said sleeping. I'm like,
- 2:45Speaker 1: nobody's thinking about anything when they're sleeping.
- 2:47Speaker 3: Come on.
- 2:48Speaker 1: The one thing they wouldn't say was sex. They wouldn't
- 2:50Speaker 1: say intimacy. And when I finally told them that was
- 2:52Speaker 1: the answer that was top of the list, most of
- 2:55Speaker 1: them scoffed. They did the full on the guff or
- 2:57Speaker 1: the kind of thing like they just couldn't imagine that
- 3:01Speaker 1: that was really the number one thing.
- 3:03Speaker 3: But it was.
- 3:04Speaker 1: So we've asked the question on Facebook, is it just me?
- 3:08Speaker 1: Or am I the only one who has zero interest
- 3:11Speaker 1: in being intimate with my partner. So we asked the
- 3:14Speaker 1: question on Facebook. We have used some voice actors for
- 3:17Speaker 1: some of the responses, and some of you sent us
- 3:20Speaker 1: your voice memos via the very easy to use button
- 3:24Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot au. You just go
- 3:27Speaker 1: to the podcast page, click the button and start talking.
- 3:30Speaker 2: I loved Vanessa's response, she said.
- 3:32Speaker 1: Maybe hit weeds, but I can't relate to this at all.
- 3:35Speaker 2: And a follow on from that was from Apollonios. She said,
- 3:38Speaker 2: my husband just has to look at me and I
- 3:40Speaker 2: want to jump his bones, So I can't relate five
- 3:42Speaker 2: kids aging from fifteen years to fifteen months, and we
- 3:45Speaker 2: run a business full time.
- 3:46Speaker 1: What a great response, any bone jumping going, Let's not
- 3:49Speaker 1: go there. Danil was talking about the difficulty of finding
- 3:52Speaker 1: time for intimacy when you've got teenagers. Can so relate
- 3:56Speaker 1: right like once the kids start staying up later than you,
- 3:59Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, so frustrating. She was mentioning how difficult
- 4:02Speaker 1: it was, and the Happy Families team jumped in and said,
- 4:05Speaker 1: I reckon a solid could you leave us alone? Your
- 4:07Speaker 1: father and I trying to have sex should make the
- 4:10Speaker 1: team scarce.
- 4:11Speaker 3: For a while.
- 4:13Speaker 1: Love the Happy Family's team and their sense of humor.
- 4:17Speaker 2: I have a close friend who actually tells her children
- 4:21Speaker 2: Sunday is sex day, so leave us alone.
- 4:25Speaker 1: I don't know if I've heard that story in launch.
- 4:27Speaker 1: I feel about it. I guess if it gets anyway,
- 4:30Speaker 1: let's move on. Linda from the UK said this is
- 4:34Speaker 1: a real thing and it could be for the following reasons.
- 4:37Speaker 1: Number one, we just went through a pandemic and we're
- 4:39Speaker 1: fearing World War iie, so there's just the whole there's
- 4:42Speaker 1: a bit of stuff going on. Number two, Also, there
- 4:44Speaker 1: are global economic crises which have increased inflation and created
- 4:48Speaker 1: more stressing couples. So I think that's more likely than
- 4:50Speaker 1: the first one, just the stress in couples. Number three
- 4:54Speaker 1: pornography addiction for some men, which creates contempt and resentment
- 4:57Speaker 1: from their wives for having to have them as their partner.
- 5:00Speaker 1: Received a number of private emails people just email as
- 5:03Speaker 1: podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au, emphasizing how
- 5:07Speaker 1: big of an issue explicit content online is. Number four,
- 5:12Speaker 1: screen addiction, which creates mental overload on top of the
- 5:14Speaker 1: most overloader generation. Now, I would add to what Lindida
- 5:17Speaker 1: has said here just being on your phone, because when
- 5:19Speaker 1: you're on your phone, you're kind of sending this signal
- 5:22Speaker 1: to everybody else that the phone's more important, and therefore
- 5:25Speaker 1: you're not willing to engage with them. That is an
- 5:28Speaker 1: intimacy killer. I had it when I come into the
- 5:30Speaker 1: bedroom and you're on the phone, and I know you
- 5:32Speaker 1: feel the same way when you walk into the room
- 5:34Speaker 1: and I'm on my device. Whereas when that phone is
- 5:36Speaker 1: down and you have eye contact and you look at
- 5:38Speaker 1: each other and smile and say, how about it, There's
- 5:42Speaker 1: just something different right. Number five raising children without a village,
- 5:46Speaker 1: which is a deviation from how humans were raised in
- 5:49Speaker 1: the past. Number six, All of the can impact mental health,
- 5:53Speaker 1: and there was a whole lot more that Lindida from
- 5:55Speaker 1: the UK through and there. I think that all reasonable,
- 5:59Speaker 1: some of them much more than others. It's tough when
- 6:03Speaker 1: there's so much going on that takes up your cognitive
- 6:05Speaker 1: headspace and doesn't allow you to step into the intimate zone.
- 6:10Speaker 2: Eliza said, I feel like a lot of women need
- 6:12Speaker 2: to be wooed in order to feel in the mood
- 6:14Speaker 2: for intimacy. There are so many things on our to
- 6:17Speaker 2: do list, and we struggle to compartmentalize. If there are
- 6:20Speaker 2: things to do on the list, then I can imagine
- 6:23Speaker 2: some may struggle to start another task or to relax
- 6:25Speaker 2: to enjoy time together. If my list is done, my
- 6:28Speaker 2: mind is quiet, and it's easier to relax and enjoy intimacy.
- 6:32Speaker 2: If hubby contributes to my to do list, it's even
- 6:35Speaker 2: easier to relax and enjoy that intimacy.
- 6:37Speaker 1: There is something about that, isn't there. I hear it
- 6:39Speaker 1: all the time. Notice the responses that we've had have
- 6:43Speaker 1: one hundred percent all been from women. There were only
- 6:46Speaker 1: two men who jumped on. Both of them, well, both
- 6:50Speaker 1: of them didn't do the best job in what they said,
- 6:54Speaker 1: and one guy in particular really created a bit of
- 6:57Speaker 1: a storm. His name was Jace Jays. Jumped in there
- 7:00Speaker 1: and said or.
- 7:01Speaker 3: Reading a lot of the comments from women that complain
- 7:03Speaker 3: about housework stress, being tired, the men not being a
- 7:08Speaker 3: mind read, etcetera, etcetera. It's all these cop outs. Start
- 7:12Speaker 3: looking for the reasons why it should be happening, not
- 7:14Speaker 3: justifying the reason it's not. Look after him, ladies, or
- 7:17Speaker 3: you'll kill your marriage, that simple ouch.
- 7:21Speaker 2: I can see why that wasn't necessarily the most popular response,
- 7:26Speaker 2: and our last one I wanted to share is actually
- 7:27Speaker 2: from Kylie. She said, oh boy, can definitely relate. Menopause
- 7:32Speaker 2: has finished off my already struggling libido.
- 7:35Speaker 1: Did you just say, Kylie? I hang, I know it's
- 7:37Speaker 1: not you because not going to say anything about menopause yet.
- 7:40Speaker 1: But you're not there yet. Go ahead.
- 7:41Speaker 2: My husband is pretty understanding, but it's something else to
- 7:44Speaker 2: feel guilty about, because physical intimacy just feels like something
- 7:48Speaker 2: else on my to do list nowadays. I miss the
- 7:51Speaker 2: old me and I hope I come back at some stage.
- 7:54Speaker 1: Oh boy, So many many comments that we haven't really
- 8:00Speaker 1: talked about. The cognitive load, the fact that women are very,
- 8:04Speaker 1: very tired doing so much around the house and often
- 8:07Speaker 1: feel like they have to be the mother not only
- 8:10Speaker 1: to their children but also to their husband. And when
- 8:13Speaker 1: they move into the bedroom, they don't want to continue
- 8:15Speaker 1: to feel like their mum. They want to feel like
- 8:18Speaker 1: something else. But quite often they're so tired that they
- 8:21Speaker 1: just their head hits the pillow and it's all over.
- 8:23Speaker 1: Lots of conversations around perimenopause, menopause and just so much
- 8:29Speaker 1: to do, sheer exhaustion getting in the way. We are
- 8:33Speaker 1: not sex therapists, but we have some ideas that we
- 8:37Speaker 1: think might be helpful. If you're worried that it is
- 8:39Speaker 1: just you and that you're not getting enough noggy, you're
- 8:41Speaker 1: not getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom,
- 8:44Speaker 1: let's dive into it.
- 8:48Speaker 2: According to Emily Knagoski, author of Come As You Are.
- 8:51Speaker 1: One of your favorite books in history, and it's a
- 8:55Speaker 1: good book. Hey, I liked it as well. You've got
- 8:56Speaker 1: me reading it, and I mean I already knew it
- 8:58Speaker 1: all you at all.
- 9:01Speaker 2: Science taught justin that there are three essential characteristics of
- 9:05Speaker 2: couples who sustain a connection over the long term. And
- 9:08Speaker 2: none of them were the characteristics you might have guessed.
- 9:11Speaker 1: Interestingly, not really about cognitive load, certainly not about global
- 9:15Speaker 1: warming or World War three or any of that sort
- 9:17Speaker 1: of stuff. The three characteristics are number one. If you
- 9:20Speaker 1: want to sustain a strong sexual connection, you've got to
- 9:23Speaker 1: like each other. Like no, I know that sounds really obvious,
- 9:28Speaker 1: but you've you got to look at that person and
- 9:31Speaker 1: think you really mattered to me. I want to prioritize
- 9:34Speaker 1: you and trust you. I admire you. You're the kind
- 9:37Speaker 1: of person that I would like to share this intimate
- 9:39Speaker 1: experience with So.
- 9:40Speaker 2: I'm going to go a little bit further. The girls
- 9:43Speaker 2: were asking me the other day to kind of just
- 9:45Speaker 2: retell our story how we.
- 9:46Speaker 1: Met, and all the girls has in our daughters.
- 9:49Speaker 2: Yeah, And as I was talking to them, I shared
- 9:54Speaker 2: with them how it felt the day we got married.
- 9:57Speaker 2: I remember waking up that morning and just being so excited.
- 10:03Speaker 2: There was no anxiety, there was no concern about whether
- 10:06Speaker 2: I was making the right choice or not. I was
- 10:08Speaker 2: just so excited that today I was going to be
- 10:11Speaker 2: making a commitment to spend the rest of my life
- 10:15Speaker 2: with my very best friend. And over the years, we've
- 10:18Speaker 2: both shared that we had that exact same feeling.
- 10:21Speaker 1: I had that conversation with my best man as we
- 10:23Speaker 1: were driving to the wedding venue.
- 10:26Speaker 2: And I think for anyone who chooses to spend a
- 10:29Speaker 2: lifetime with someone, we've had those experiences. We've had that
- 10:33Speaker 2: feeling of wanting to spend a lifetime together, but the
- 10:37Speaker 2: next step is actually choosing them every single day.
- 10:43Speaker 1: Yeah, And just on that, I can't tell you how
- 10:45Speaker 1: many people that I've spoken to who just have this
- 10:47Speaker 1: sort of simmering underbelly of resentment towards their spouse or partner.
- 10:51Speaker 1: They feel like they're taken for granted, they feel like
- 10:53Speaker 1: they do the line's share of the work, they carry
- 10:56Speaker 1: the majority of the load. They do this, they do that,
- 10:58Speaker 1: and the other person never does this or never does that.
- 11:00Speaker 1: There's sort of like this white anting of the relationship.
- 11:03Speaker 1: You have to love each other, like really really want
- 11:06Speaker 1: to be with each other. That friendship, the quality of
- 11:09Speaker 1: the relationship, the trust, the admiration, the feelings of we're
- 11:14Speaker 1: better when we're together, those kinds of feelings have got
- 11:17Speaker 1: to come first. You're not going to prioritize any kind
- 11:19Speaker 1: of intimacy if you don't feel that way about each other.
- 11:22Speaker 1: So if you're listening to this podcast and you don't
- 11:25Speaker 1: feel like that, it's time to do some work on
- 11:27Speaker 1: the relationship. It's time to rebuild the connection. Connection means
- 11:30Speaker 1: feeling seen, hurt and valued. So find ways that you
- 11:32Speaker 1: can see and hear and value each other again and
- 11:34Speaker 1: get that get that going, because oh my goodness, it's
- 11:37Speaker 1: so good when you do.
- 11:38Speaker 2: It's not one person's job. It's not your husband's job,
- 11:41Speaker 2: it's not your partner's job. We both have to take
- 11:45Speaker 2: responsibility for that connection.
- 11:46Speaker 1: Okay, here's the second thing. In addition to liking each
- 11:49Speaker 1: other and being friends. The couples who sustain strong sexual
- 11:52Speaker 1: connections prioritize sex like they actually decide that it matters
- 11:57Speaker 1: for their relationship, and they find opportunities to have that
- 12:01Speaker 1: physical intimacy together. It might not always be inter course,
- 12:05Speaker 1: it might be any number of other forms of physical
- 12:07Speaker 1: closeness and intimacy, but they absolutely prioritize it. They make
- 12:12Speaker 1: sure that they make time to get it on.
- 12:17Speaker 2: I think about the enormity of the task of being
- 12:23Speaker 2: a parent, you're going.
- 12:24Speaker 1: To say, and the normaty is something else for a second.
- 12:26Speaker 2: And how much effort we go to to be the
- 12:29Speaker 2: very best we can for our children. And yet in
- 12:33Speaker 2: a handful of years, your children are going to leave
- 12:36Speaker 2: the nest and you're going to be stuck with the
- 12:40Speaker 2: other person that's left in the house.
- 12:42Speaker 1: I remember Huey Lewis used to sing, I'm happy to
- 12:44Speaker 1: be stuck with you, and I mean, I just I
- 12:47Speaker 1: can't think of anything better than being stuck with you.
- 12:49Speaker 1: That would be my dream, that's my ultimate fantess. Anyway,
- 12:52Speaker 1: carry on. But it's the prioritization, right, the prioritization of
- 12:56Speaker 1: the intimacy in the relationship.
- 12:57Speaker 2: Well, and I think when you kind of do an
- 12:59Speaker 2: inventory of your life and your relationships, where are you
- 13:03Speaker 2: putting most of the energy. Is it into your children
- 13:06Speaker 2: and building those relationships to the detriment of your marriage
- 13:11Speaker 2: or relationship, or are you finding avenues to actually give
- 13:16Speaker 2: priority to your partner.
- 13:18Speaker 1: Okay, here's the third one. Instead of accepting other people's
- 13:21Speaker 1: opinions about how they're supposed to do sex in their partnership,
- 13:25Speaker 1: the people who have genuinely strong sexual connection prioritize what's
- 13:30Speaker 1: genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship.
- 13:33Speaker 1: So they're not looking at the articles on news dot
- 13:35Speaker 1: com dot are you that tell you how many times
- 13:37Speaker 1: the average person does this or does that, or it's
- 13:40Speaker 1: just not relevant. What you focused on is what works
- 13:43Speaker 1: in your relationship.
- 13:45Speaker 2: And that means being able to have open dialogue and
- 13:48Speaker 2: communication with each other.
- 13:49Speaker 3: Yeah.
- 13:50Speaker 1: Yes, that's where the healthy conversation comes in. Now, we
- 13:53Speaker 1: also need to acknowledge sometimes you're not interested and it's
- 13:58Speaker 1: got nothing to do with you or or your partner.
- 14:01Speaker 1: This could be a medical issue, or it could be
- 14:03Speaker 1: a psychological issue, so it's important that you go and
- 14:06Speaker 1: get help. If that's the case we're out of time.
- 14:09Speaker 1: So there are two other things that I've learned from
- 14:11Speaker 1: that book comes you up by Emily and de Gooski.
- 14:14Speaker 1: I want to share them and any men who are listening,
- 14:16Speaker 1: this is especially for you. Number one, you need to
- 14:19Speaker 1: understand the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Most
- 14:23Speaker 1: men tend to be spontaneously desirous. That they see something
- 14:27Speaker 1: that they like and they become desirous of that thing.
- 14:31Speaker 2: And as a society we have been, i want to say,
- 14:35Speaker 2: brainwashed to think that spontaneous desire is the only way
- 14:39Speaker 2: to have a fulfilling, loving relationship, right.
- 14:42Speaker 1: Because that's the whole Hollywood trope, and it's also completely
- 14:46Speaker 1: what pornography is about as well. There's something else though,
- 14:49Speaker 1: that's called responsive desire, and that's the desire that builds
- 14:52Speaker 1: over time when you feel seen, hurt and valued, when
- 14:54Speaker 1: you feel like somebody cares about you, they're trying to
- 14:56Speaker 1: build trust with you. That responsive desire is the thing
- 14:59Speaker 1: where maybe right now I'm not feeling like it, but
- 15:03Speaker 1: in ten or fifteen or twenty minutes or thirty minutes
- 15:05Speaker 1: of cuddling and talking and feeling loved, I might start
- 15:10Speaker 1: to feel like it my body or my psyche starts
- 15:12Speaker 1: to respond. Difference between responsiveness and spontaneity when it comes
- 15:17Speaker 1: to desire is huge. The other thing that I think
- 15:19Speaker 1: is critically important here is men are ready to go
- 15:22Speaker 1: in I don't know, anywhere between ten seconds and two minutes,
- 15:26Speaker 1: whereas for women, there's some pretty strong evidence that indicates
- 15:32Speaker 1: a good forty minutes minimum to get things warmed up
- 15:35Speaker 1: and humming so that we can have a high level
- 15:38Speaker 1: of a highly pleasurable experience. So men, don't rush it,
- 15:42Speaker 1: don't rush it at all. The second point that I
- 15:45Speaker 1: want to make is that you've got to emphasize female pleasure.
- 15:47Speaker 1: It's not about you. And if you emphasize female pleasure,
- 15:53Speaker 1: you are going to have a good time guaranteed. Like
- 15:56Speaker 1: you're going to have a good time anyway, but if
- 15:58Speaker 1: you emphasize female pleasure, then you're your wife is going
- 16:01Speaker 1: to have a great time, which means that you're guaranteed
- 16:04Speaker 1: to have a good time because you'll be glad that
- 16:06Speaker 1: she had a good time, which makes your time even better.
- 16:08Speaker 1: Is what I'm trying to say. So I don't want
- 16:10Speaker 1: to have share, but I'm just going to say this.
- 16:12Speaker 1: I have two rules when it comes to our relationship
- 16:15Speaker 1: and the opportunity that we have to be together when
- 16:17Speaker 1: the kids aren't banging on the door or whatever it is.
- 16:20Speaker 1: Rule number one, slow things down. And rule number two
- 16:23Speaker 1: it's not about me. And I've found that those two
- 16:26Speaker 1: rules have served I was going to say me served us. Well,
- 16:30Speaker 1: you're just looking at me and blushing right now. Should
- 16:32Speaker 1: I have not shared.
- 16:33Speaker 2: That I only have one rule, right let's be in
- 16:36Speaker 2: the moment.
- 16:38Speaker 3: What a great rule, What a great rule.
- 16:41Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a compelling podcast for you.
- 16:44Speaker 1: We hope that it's given you a few ideas to
- 16:47Speaker 1: reinvigorate your love life and hopefully make your family happier.
- 16:51Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Justin Roland from Bridge Media, who
- 16:54Speaker 1: is our podcast producer. Also a big thanks to Craig Bruce,
- 16:56Speaker 1: our executive producer. For more information about making your family happier,
- 17:00Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com dot e