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Sober Talk SA - Michelle-Kilburn · Sober Talk SA

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Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
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Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
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call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
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I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
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I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
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help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
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drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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He is not alive with any sect, denomination, politics,
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organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
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controversy, neither endorses or oppose any causes.
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Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
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Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
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My name is Michelle and I am an alcoholic.
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I just want to thank Joy for asking me to share tonight.
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I get in a lot of fear about sharing when I first came in my
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brain didn't work so well just being really sober, I guess, and
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I struggled for the words in my brain to come out my mouth and I
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guess a lot of fear was was in that.
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But one of the suggestions was to share when I was asked to
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share And you know, you're Fast forward to now.
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I've had a lot of practice with it.
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So it was interesting driving to this meeting tonight.
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It's been many, many years since I've been here.
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My oldest, my sobriety day, is the 30th of October 2015.
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I have a Home group which is Kilburn on a Tuesday night.
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You're all welcome to come. It's a speaker meeting.
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I have a service position in that group.
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I do minimum at least three meetings a week, if not more.
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I have a sponsor. I sponsor women and that's kind
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of the foundation of my recovery.
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And yeah, I was driving to this meeting today and I used to come
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to this meeting every week for the first two years of my
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recovery. And there was a few reasons why
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I came here. And it's interesting reflecting
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on it. I struggled to read when I came
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in. I can read, but I just struggled
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with that. And I lived down South and I
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avoided that Wednesday night meeting because it was a big
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book study. So I avoided that one because I
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didn't want to read. So I get on the bus and I come
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here and then I bring my kids as well.
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And then I would never get asked to share, which I loved.
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I could sit in this room and I'd sit in the corner and hide.
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I wouldn't write my name in the book.
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And that's what brought me here for two years.
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And I'm so, I'm so grateful for that because I got to hear both
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of those readings for two years in a row, not really
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understanding what that meant, but it kind of kind of got in my
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brain somehow. And now I can sit here and
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listen to that. And I did some writing for, I
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came here with some stuff with my kids and I, I think I need to
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make an amends to my daughter. Like I wasn't willing to see
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that. But after listening to that,
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just then through joy speaking, that it something just really
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went from head to heart. So yeah, I, I came into
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Alcoholics Anonymous because my life fell apart.
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I couldn't stop drinking. Yeah, IA lot of consequences
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were happening. I had a lot of things removed.
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I went to multiple rehabs. I didn't want to come to AA to
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begin with because I thought I was better than AAI knew I was
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alcoholic, but I just didn't want this to be the solution.
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I wanted to find something else and just the usual psychologist,
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psychiatrist, rehabs, meditation groups like all those kinds of
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things. And I could, I was just saying
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before I could always stop drinking for a period of time,
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but I could never stay stopped. And I'd done 3 rehabs pretty
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much. And on that last rehab they were
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12 step based. They didn't do the steps in
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there, but they were definitely 12 step AA based.
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And they took us to lots of meetings and I guess I had a
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little mini surrender in there about coming to AA.
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And yeah, came in and came in so desperate and so many
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consequences of stuff that was taken away.
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And I couldn't, I couldn't live out inside the world.
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But I also didn't want to be here.
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But I had nowhere else to go. And I'm just so grateful for
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that desperation I had just to be here.
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And it was suggested to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
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And I remember coming back and sitting on the bus thinking,
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what have I got to lose? It's just 90 days, what have I
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got to lose? And I'm, I guess those little
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moments of just like head to heart of just that willingness
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to show up and, and they made some really good suggestions in
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that rehab. They were like, get a sponsor,
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get a Home group, do the suggested things, do the steps,
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get a service position. And, and I pretty much did all
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of that. But before I came in to a a I am
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drugs was a part of my story as well.
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And I remember sitting on the bus in rehab going to a meeting
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and half the bus was, you know, the addicts and the other half
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the bus was Alcoholics. And the addicts were giving
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grief to the Alcoholics, calling them bed wetters.
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And the addicts just looked really cooler.
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So I didn't want to be an alcoholic, just I wanted to be
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an addict. I just, it was cooler.
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I just thought being alcoholic was really uncool.
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And that's just where my headspace was at the time.
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And even though my counsellor in the rehab was AA with a drug,
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you know, story as well, which I could relate to and just heavily
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suggested I come into AA. But I looked for a sponsor in NA
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and I just couldn't find one. I couldn't, I, I don't even know
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what I was looking for. I think I was just listening and
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I heard a solution in a in AA and eventually I found a sponsor
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in AA and I was still doing both fellowships.
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And then I started getting in a bit of trouble in NA chasing all
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the boys and things like that. And she just made a suggestion
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that I just stick with AA for either 12 months or around the
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steps. And I'm just grateful that I
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did. I just, I was just that
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desperate and not willing to do that and I didn't stay sober
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straight away. I think I got about about just
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over 30 days up and, and I relapsed and I just think that
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was the relapse I needed to have.
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And I really struggled drinking and thinking about AIAI was
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rattling around in my head and it just, it was hard like you
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like just something was telling me there's there's a solution in
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there. This is where you're going to
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get sober and this is not working anymore.
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And it didn't feel that hole in the soul anymore.
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I just remember the alcohol just was not working.
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And I just remember ringing my sponsor drunk and she said just
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get to a meeting, just get to a meeting.
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And I did And I was just gobsmacked that I was able to
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sit in a meeting drunk. Like I, I didn't, I didn't know.
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I thought there were rules. I thought there were AI rules
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and you weren't allowed to do that.
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And well, it is Alcoholics anonymously on that.
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And that's OK. And I just got I just got loved
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back to life and I definitely always believed in God.
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And besides those reasons, I just told you about getting to
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this meeting. Another thing that I really
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liked about this meeting is when I looked at the meetings, this
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just said that spiritual concept meeting.
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And I thought I need some kind of spiritual stuff in my life.
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I like the name. I'm gonna that's another reason
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why I came here as well. And yeah, I just remember
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sitting here just listening to people's journeys of how they
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made that connection with a higher power.
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And I didn't understand it, but I understand today.
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I get, I get that connection by working through the steps and
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helping others. And yes, I always believed in
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God, but what I didn't understand is I just never
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trusted God as a kid. I remember getting on my knees
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and praying and no one ever told me to do that.
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And it's just things like, you know, the Nike, I just wanted
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the Nike sneakers and I wanted to be in the call group at
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school and, and all that kind of stuff.
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And, and none of it came true in my time.
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But in hindsight, all that stuff came true.
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It was just in God's timing. Everything that I've asked for
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and my sponsor always says to me, be careful what you pray
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for. Sure you're praying for
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yourself, which you shouldn't be praying for yourself, but if you
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do, be careful what you pray for because it just might come true.
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And everything I'd say before recovery with my prayers have
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all come true in recovery. Everything that I asked for
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before AI has all come true in recovery and learning, learning
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to trust God is being one of the hardest things.
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I, I thought the first year was hard, which it was like getting
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sober was really hard, but letting go and letting God has,
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I think has been another level of so many surrenders.
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And I just remember being in early recovery and someone would
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just go, let go and let God and I'll be like, well, how do you
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do that? How like tell me, I don't
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understand. Like if I could just let go and
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like God, I would, if I could just stop drinking, I would, but
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I just physically can't do it. But it is a process.
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And it is that discovery process that you get by going through
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the steps. And I remember doing my third
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step prayer with my sponsor and she said to me, just pick a,
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pick a place that you know, to pick anywhere that you that
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feels comfortable for you. And, and we'll go there.
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And I picked this spot at the beach that I used to go to when
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I was in self pity when my drinking and I'd go down there
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and drink and just cry my heart out pour me.
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And I went there and we're down at the beach and there's lots of
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people around and she's like, OK, so get on your knees and
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we'll hold hands and we'll stay this side.
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The third step prayer. And she didn't even warn me
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about it, But I felt so embarrassed.
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I just just to do something like that in public like that, in
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hindsight, it's one of the best things that's ever happened to
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me. I didn't understand it in the
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moment. And I remember her saying, her
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saying to me now, like with this step, it's about making a
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decision. I didn't understand it.
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I do today, but I didn't understand it.
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And I was like, how do you even make a decision?
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How do you even make a decision to turn your will and your life
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over to God? And, and I just continued on
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doing the steps. And you know, I'd finished and I
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was a couple years sober and I think I was still so crazy, but
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like really, really crazy. But what the steps, what that
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first round of the steps allowed me to do was was get that
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complete surrender to alcohol, to know that I cannot have a
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drink. I cannot take that.
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Like it's just, I understand truly from head to heart that
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I'm alcoholic and I can't drink. And eventually after a couple of
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years, I people started asking me to sponsor them.
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And that's where I started learning to connect and
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understand what a higher power is in my life.
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And my sponsor used to say to me, you help me more than I help
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you. And I was like, no, definitely
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not. Like I put her on a pedestal.
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She was my lifesaver. She was the one that got me
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sober. There's no way that I could be
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more helpful to her then she has just saved my life.
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That bit me in the butt a few years later that that kind of
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thinking. But I do truly understand that
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today and I know today I'm at my best when I'm not thinking about
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myself. I'm at my best when I'm helping
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others and I get completely out of myself.
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And that mentality of putting my sponsor on a pedestal really
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came undone. So I got a resentment towards
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her. As it happens, it does.
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I went to and I did talk about it with members.
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I went to a few women in my Home group at the time and I
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suggested that I go talk to her about it.
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And I was like, oh, you can't talk to her about a resentment
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that I have towards her. So I just ignored that and I
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ended up just writing her an e-mail just saying thank you,
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but I'm breaking up with you, basically.
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And it was around the time of COVID and it was just like this
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perfect storm of me taking my wheel back.
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And I thought I was doing OK, so that that we broke up.
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And then I deliberately picked a person that I knew that our kids
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didn't have to ring. There was no guidance and there
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was no structure because I thrive on structure.
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It is suggestions. Yes, it is.
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But I really thrive on routine and especially the stuff that
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they have in the big book. And and that was fine.
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And I never called her. And then COVID happened and the
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meeting stopped and I guess I didn't know this but I slowly
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went back into my disease again. I slowly went back into self and
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I all that old thinking started to come back.
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But I thought I was fine. My kids have also grown up in a
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A They were very little when I came in.
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I was a single mum and I dragged them everywhere to meetings like
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like they would be on a bus on a way home from a meeting at 9:30
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ten o'clock at night. I I did meetings every day and
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they were only little so they knew the benefits of me being in
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AA. So I just remember this one day
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and my daughter said to me, mummy, I think you need a
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meeting. And I was just shocked.
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Like I do believe God speaks through people.
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I believe God speaks through children more than anything
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because they are just so innocent.
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And I was just, I was like, OK. And then in the monsters, all of
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that, I got diagnosed with breast cancer and my, my world
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just fell apart. I just didn't know what to do.
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I didn't know how to cope. Yes, I had all these tools that
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I'd kind of learnt in the first few years, but I didn't have
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anyone guiding me. I didn't have a sponsor what I
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did, but not someone that I thought was, you know, going to
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guide me while I wasn't even using them.
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They might have been OK, but I just wasn't ringing them.
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So I remember being diagnosed with cancer and my whole world
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fell apart. And the fear, the fear that I
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felt and the things that went on in my head was I was already
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planning my funeral. I was already wanting to make
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videos at the funeral. I could be present, of course,
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because it's all about me. And I wanted to be in control of
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how I, how I, how that part of my life would be when I died
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and, and all of that stuff. And my husband also said to me,
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I actually like you better when you were being sponsored through
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Susan, who is my sponsor. And so all of these thing came
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up and sorry, I and I also just wanted to tell her before
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everyone else kind of found out. So I rang her and told her and I
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was going in to have a mastectomy.
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I was having my breasts removed and.
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And yeah, I'm just so grateful for that woman because we
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started for the next few weeks, I ended up just calling her
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everyday. And yeah, I asked her to sponsor
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him again. And I, and what I realized
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through that process is that I had put her on a pedestal.
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It gave me a better understanding that we are all
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equal here. And I, and I had that thinking
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of that mentality that there's a hierarchy and a low rocky or
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whatever it is. There's like a status in AI.
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And that's what I thought. And that experience helped me
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realize that I'm no better than I'm no less than.
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She's the same. She's just an alcoholic trying
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to, trying to stay sober and do life on life terms.
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And, and yes, so I asked her to sponsor me again.
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And yeah, I went through chemotherapy and through that
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process I, I guess I was not forced.
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I don't know the word to say or I guess it was another level of
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like how I see my higher power and what kind of relationship do
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I have with my higher powered? Is it conditional?
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And it absolutely was like if the conditions were attached to,
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to my life through, through that higher power and, and I, and I
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was, I'm a very controlling person, especially when it comes
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into my family and in the structural way my house runs.
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And God just had this and it was just a blessing, I guess,
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because I see blessings and all of the stuff these days of heavy
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stuff like that. God removed all that for me.
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Like just removed. I had a salon at the time and I
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was thinking about selling it and I didn't know how I was
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going to detach from that because you know, I've got all
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these clients and they're really important in my life.
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And, you know, I didn't know. And this journey through cancer
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had just really detached that. And yeah, I was really sick
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through chemo. And what really surprised me is
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that my household still ran. The kids still got to school.
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They still had lunch in their lunch boxes to go to school
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with. I still manage.
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I got to chemo. And I don't even know how it
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happened, but I had members taking me to chemotherapy.
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I had members picking me up, taking to meetings.
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And it was a real blur. But I think because I had so
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much practice in the beginning of my recovery, learning to ask
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for help, I think I just had that smart fee in regards to
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just knowing that next right thing to do when I had a really
20:21
good foundation of my recovery. And so I do remember sitting in
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chemotherapy and I still struggle to sit with myself
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today. And I just got my little thing I
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had with my my drugs and stuff in it.
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And I just got around and I just started talking to people.
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And cancer is a really personal journey.
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Everyone deals with it differently and there were some
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people that just didn't want to talk about it, but I made some
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amazing friends through just being of service and asking how
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they're doing and how their journey was going.
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And like it was, it was really a beautiful process.
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And it's just through that connection like we get here in
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a, a, you know, one alcoholic talking to another.
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I was able to create that space when I was going through
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chemotherapy, you know, one cancer patient talking to
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another cancer patient. And I just love of how I can
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take this stuff into the outside world and, and, you know, just
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be of service in the community. And yeah, like really God really
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showing me there's, there's another way.
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Like, I'm like, God removed all that stuff that I thought was
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keeping me OK and showed me like, it's, you know, it's, it's
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going to be OK no matter what happens.
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And then life continued on and I'd done another round of the
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steps and in a group setting this particular time with my
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sponsor and my sobriety sisters. And that was just another level
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of it's like that onion with the liars just being peeling off and
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just saying things that I'd never seen before.
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And, and what came up in that inventory was these kind of like
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hidden resentments that I didn't know I had.
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So in particular with my stepdaughter, I only have this
22:22
resentment. And I didn't think it was a big
22:24
deal when she annoyed me or she did something that I didn't
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think was right and I'd reply it, reply, reply, it should
22:32
leave or she'd go off and it would go away.
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I wouldn't think about it again until the next time, and I
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didn't. I honestly didn't think it was
22:43
an issue. I just thought I was angry and I
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was mad in the moment and I was able to get rid of it.
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But what this particular inventory uncovered, especially
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when I was listening to everyone else's journeys of like that
22:58
connection to what happens to me when I'm in resentment and the
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actions that I do, I never really made that connection
23:04
before. And people and then especially
23:07
her feeling my energy when I'm mad and I got really petty.
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Oh my God, it's so embarrassing that I would do things like, I
23:18
shouldn't say I don't feel ashamed about it, but it is
23:20
embarrassing because this is me maybe at about 6:00 or seven
23:24
years sober, she would annoy me. So like in the mornings when I
23:28
was cutting her fruit up in the lunch boxes, I would put the
23:31
crappy looking fruit in her lunch box.
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She would annoy me so much I would go turn the heater up in
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her room for half an hour. But just little things like that
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to her, they probably, she probably didn't even notice and
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I didn't even realise I was doing it.
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And to, and to do it in a group setting like that and to uncover
23:52
and discover all this stuff, I was just like, wow.
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And then it took me a while to become willing to make an amends
24:03
to her with that stuff because I had to be mindful about causing
24:07
harm on her. Do how much do I tell her?
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And all that stuff I was able to see through with my sponsor.
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But what I did uncover with that stuff is my energy when I'm
24:16
around here, when I'm in that resentment.
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And I'm just very mindful of that.
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And, and through that immense process of verbally saying that
24:25
to her and really making a conscious effort to change my
24:27
behaviour around that stuff, we have such a beautiful close
24:30
relationship today that would never have happened if I didn't
24:36
do that stuff. Like, like I just because I've
24:38
always remained open and willing.
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And when I do that, God is able to get in, especially if I
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continue to do all this stuff. How am I going for time?
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OK, beautiful. And then you Fast forward to
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only a couple of years ago and there was something that came up
24:58
in my relationship with my marriage.
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That was another another lesson on how I connect with my higher
25:09
power and I don't know how to explain.
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So like my, I was relying on my higher power through my husband
25:18
so and I didn't know I was doing it.
25:21
And then when something happened because he, he's in recovery as
25:25
well. And when something happened that
25:29
he did, which is his staff, it's got nothing to do with me.
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I blamed God and I didn't know that I was probably putting my
25:39
emotional dependency and higher power through him.
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And that was a really heavy lesson to walk through.
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And yeah, I hate I, I blamed God for a long time.
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I didn't like God for a long time.
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I would, I would talk to my sponsor about it.
25:58
And I'm can and I have had a lot of surrenders around that stuff.
26:03
And, and it just made me realize how much of an emotional
26:07
dependence I put on my family. And I think, and, and then just
26:12
before I came here with the stuff that I'm riding out in the
26:15
inventory before I came here, what what what I uncovered with
26:19
that, and I will talk to my sponsor tomorrow morning about
26:22
it, is that I'm just scared because my relationship with my
26:25
kids are changing and I'm really scared that I'm losing them, not
26:31
because they're teenagers now and they're not very nice to me.
26:36
It is what it is that ultimately what I'm scared about is them
26:40
growing up and you know, they're going to leave the nest and I'm
26:45
scared. I'm really, really scared.
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And that's what I uncovered before I came here.
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Plus I did cause some harm on my daughter earlier today, which I
26:52
will go make an amends. So I'm so, so grateful that I
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have found AA. He has not just saved my life,
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but what it has gifted me is perception changes and the tools
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to go out into the into the world and live life on life's
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terms because that's something that I couldn't do.
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And and really learn that God is either everything or God is
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nothing. And for me that I need to sit in
27:24
that stuff on a regular basis. So I'll just leave it there.
27:27
Thank you. A A has more than two million
27:31
recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
27:35
In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
27:39
They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
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country. Meetings range in size from a
27:46
handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
27:51
communities. And once again, if anyone you
27:54
know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
27:58
Announcing 1300 Double 22222 or visit their website on aa.org
28:06
dot AU.