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Balancing Self care and Parenting - S2 Episode 6 · Sip Happens

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I'm Alexandra. I am Lynn.
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I'm Rose. And this is Sid happens.
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We wanted to just give you a heads up, this podcast is all
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for fun and entertainment. We are sharing our own thoughts
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and stories, not professional advice.
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So relax, enjoy and don't take us too seriously.
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Let's get this started. What's in your cup today?
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Regular latte and it needs a little bit more sugar, but we're
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going to go with it, right? Now, is that from home?
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Yes, well, I am drinking some kind of coffee concoction, but I
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bought this new vanilla bean syrup that I put in my coffee,
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so it's an espresso blonde and it's really good.
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What about you? What?
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I don't know what did you make me?
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I made you the same thing, so we're both.
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Drinking. I was coffee.
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With the vanilla bean. I like syrup.
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I like. It it's good.
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But I wasn't sure I'm like, what concoction?
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It's a Sofron. Don't you like it?
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OK, well just kind of recap a little bit about our Last Post.
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I've got great feedback about birthdays.
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One of the things that grasped my attention, though, was how
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common to hear that once you have babies, like motherhood, we
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put ourselves in the back in the sense of like, a lot of people
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don't celebrate birthdays. And our episode was really good
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to resonate. And I'm hearing a lot of like,
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oh man, I'm going to work on it this year or I'm planning for
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next year to do something. So it made me not only like,
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we're helping other mothers to realize it's OK to celebrate.
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Yes, it's a new phase of life, but celebrating you celebrating
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your birthday. And we did that, ladies.
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So I just wanted to share that. I love that.
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I love. That, that's just great
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feedback. I know it's not just us.
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So yeah, again, I think as we're talking or moving to our topic
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of the day fully, I think we'll be able to pick on some of those
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topics or those triggers that for moms, especially motherhood,
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post motherhood that don't take the time to celebrate or take
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the time that they need for themselves will hopefully
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resonate with some of them. So without further ado, let's
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tackle into our episode of today.
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We're going to be talking about self-care before motherhood and
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self-care after motherhood kind of like what does that look like
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so I want to start off with you Alex.
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Let's. Start with me what well off the.
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Top of your head, what did self-care look like before being
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a mom? What were the things that you
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would do? Honestly.
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Before being a mom. I didn't really have self-care
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moments, or at least I didn't call it that.
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I've always enjoyed doing things like meeting up with girlfriends
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for coffee day or getting a Mani pedis.
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So I didn't really label this whole self-care thing until
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motherhood. What about you?
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I thought the same thing. OK, but I was thinking about
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this topic. Yeah, I was like, what did
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self-care looked like? It felt like going to the beach
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after work because I wanted to decompress and I didn't have a
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timeline. So when I was thinking about
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self-care in the past, I was like, it didn't feel like I was
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planning for anything. It was things that I was doing
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intentionally, but subconsciously.
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Going to have coffee dates with my friends definitely would be
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that. Reading a book in silence all
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day, finishing a book in a day. And that was self-care.
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But I didn't. See it as self-care.
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Yeah, it was just like this is just what I this.
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Is what I do as I like right and I want more like I will bend a
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whole show now we call that self-care.
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What are you in I? Can just say the same thing.
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It was the same for me, but thinking back about is all I
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needed to care about was myself, right?
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There were no other mouths I had to feed, no other clothes I had
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to wash, no other bodies that I had to take care of to make keep
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them clean. No meal prep for anybody for
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picky. Eaters, so everything.
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I did. Thinking about the past before
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motherhood, everything was like what I wanted.
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Taking care of myself, like meeting friends, going to the
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movies when I want to stay up all night if I want to, and
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knowing that I could sleep in and I didn't have to worry about
4:18
getting up and making sure that somebody else is ready for the
4:22
day. So I feel like everything was
4:25
kind of self here because it's only me.
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I almost like selfish. Yeah, I was in the selfish era.
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I didn't realize it, but yeah, that's how.
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You call it so self involved. I'd say that sometimes like I'm
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so self involved, right? I wish I was now, but so that's
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segues. So my next question is, when did
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you realize? That self-care.
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Wasn't going to look like that anymore or wasn't going to look
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the same. Once you're like overstimulated
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and you're stressed and your hair started going grayer and
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you started gaining weight and you're not sleeping well, you
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realize you need to change. You realize that you need to
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start taking care of yourself because you're putting everybody
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else in front of you and before you, and then you'll burn out.
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And then you have to realize, OK, if I don't take care of
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myself, I can't take care of anybody else.
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So I think that's when I started ticking in my head.
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I'm like, OK, I need to start taking care of myself so I'm
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able to take care of the family and keep keep this wheel going,
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right? So and that can sometimes just
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look very simply by staying in the car after going to the
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grocery store for a few extra minutes so I can have a breather
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and just, you know, center myself before I get into the
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House of chaos in the beginning. And of course, over the years, I
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don't have toddlers anymore. You take bigger steps, but you
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have little. So what are your little
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self-care moments? Or do you already step into the
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big? Well, I think I can remember
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when self-care became a thing for me post motherhood.
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I was so caught up with like taking care of the baby and
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taking care of like the house. I was still working, doing all
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the things and I realized no one else is going to take care of me
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because my expectation of what it should look like for me to be
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my best self unless I communicated that having the
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expectation, nothing's going to happen because nobody can read
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minds, right? And I started to to do like 30
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minutes in and out where like I'm taking a shower, I'm doing a
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facial. And I started really enjoying
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that, especially on the weekend, like to break off my days
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because even postpartum during maternity leave, during that
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time, a lot of people thinks it's a vacation.
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It's really not, you know, it's just time off of work.
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But I'm taking care of this new baby, learning and, you know,
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growing and doing all of the things and being a mom, being a
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wife, being myself and usually ourselves takes the back seat,
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right? And I remember reflecting, I'm
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like, I can't be the best version of me if I'm not taking
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care of myself. So then I started like this
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ritual of every Saturday, I'm going to take a shower, I'm
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going to do a mass, I'm going to sit under the the steamer for a
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little bit. And I really enjoyed it.
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And then as it progressed, I'm realizing self-care didn't have
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to be a whole day plan thing because we get caught up of like
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the timing. I'm done for three hours to do
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all of the things, but time is of the essence right?
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Especially now that I'm a mom of two that looks so different.
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So I just honestly feel like self-care changes with
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motherhood. From one baby to now 2 or even
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after being married, that also changed to where it's like, OK,
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it's the weekend, it's on meantime, but I'm going to meet
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up with the girls, I'm going to have lunch dates and that fills
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my cup because that's how I reconnect with my friends or
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catch up on what's going on in your life and vice versa.
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And I started enjoying this more.
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So then I started labeling it as, oh, that's my self-care
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moment and blocking certain times to do those little things
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And I just feel rejuvenated. So now it looks very different
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because I still enjoy the meals, the coffee dates, you guys
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coming over and hanging out. Why?
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We can put whatever label on it. It feels my cough.
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We're calling it self-care as long as the kids are not
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involved. Hubby is somewhere else.
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It's girls time. And yes, I still enjoy sitting
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here for an hour and enjoy a good show or movie.
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So. But yeah, that's what self-care
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means to me. What about you, Rosie?
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So for me it's the same thing. It resonated when you said about
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planning it, because I feel like self-care before motherhood was
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going with the flow. It didn't feel like self-care.
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It was just things that I would do so, so I realized that I
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wasn't taking care of myself When I wake up in the morning
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and I'm just rushing. Like Lynn was saying, taking
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care everything, all of his needs were taken care of.
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Make sure he got dressed, brushed his teeth, had his
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breakfast. Talking about Dad, right?
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Then I'm rushing out because I have to drop him off at daycare
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at a certain time. And then I come back home and I
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was like, did I brush my teeth? My hair looks like a mess.
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When was the last time I washed my hair?
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And it was like, I don't recognize myself anymore.
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And that's when I started thinking I have to take care of
9:22
myself because I didn't feel happy.
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I felt just completely drained. I wasn't liking the reality that
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I was living. And thankfully, I found friends
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like you guys, very focused on self-care.
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Yeah, you got to think. I was like, I am slacking on
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myself here. And now it just looks like, you
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say, like there's one day in a week, typically on a Tuesday or
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a Thursday. For some reason, those are the
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days that work best for me. I'm going to take a long shower.
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I'm going to shave my legs. I'm going to wash my face and
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put a face mask and listen to some meditation in that moment
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while hubby is taking care of like he knows, take care of
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fiago, you got this. Do not open the door.
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I'm taking myself care. And that feels good being
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intentional with my free time. The thing that the challenge for
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me is what you're saying. It doesn't have to be all of
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this time. I don't need a self-care day,
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which I feel a lot of people talk about self-care days,
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right? It could be a self-care hour.
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It could be a self-care 15 minutes staying in the car.
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Usually I can stay in the car for like 30 minutes. 30 minutes
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in the car, what are you doing? Scrolling through social media,
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yeah, I just like the no interruptions, right?
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It's like I'm right here. There's no interruption right
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now. Just like I would hang out at
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Publix at 9:00 at the night before they close.
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I mean, you got bedtime, right? I'll be right back.
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Yeah. And just cruising through all
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the aisles, just enjoying the silence and no interruption.
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It's good to disconnect, though. I get that, especially again
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with motherhood and doing all of the things because that's not
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the only hat we wear. And sometimes we forget.
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Like, I feel like I feel so disconnected with who I am.
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I enjoy going to work. That makes me feel like, OK, I'm
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dealing with adults and a toddler's level, you know, and
11:07
being in meetings and that I have some sense of adulting and
11:11
communicating. I mean, I'm very grateful that I
11:13
work from home. But being in those meetings and
11:15
or traveling and be in a team meeting for that long, it
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rejuvenates me that be like, wow, OK, I'm a businesswoman.
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It's all fine versus just being a mom.
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And I'm not reducing it to just being mom.
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But I think it's important that we try to find ourselves who we
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were before and if we didn't like who we were before, we can
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still change, we can still grow and embrace it.
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I embrace motherhood and I think by having those little self-care
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moments help me enjoy it more because I can be mom, I can be
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wife, I can do all the things. I can be a good friend, a good
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listener, and we can plan all these beautiful things.
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And I'm thinking back to this weekend.
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I was so busy and I'm like, OK, I need a minute and that minute
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means I need a nap. So whatever self-care looks
12:02
like, it's important. You know me, I'm all about it.
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Like light a candle, just relax for a moment, resonating with
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your Rosie, with some music, some meditation.
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I do all the things. So if there's something out
12:15
there that I don't know when it comes to self-care, let me a
12:17
massage, let me know I will try it and then tackle me.
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Back to you, Lynn, with working out, right?
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That was another thing. I felt like postpartum after
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breastfeeding journey. After all these things, I didn't
12:30
like what I looked like. So I started going to the gym,
12:34
but I'm so thankful for my where I was able to build that
12:38
discipline of going to the gym and I care with me now because
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I'm looking back like, wow, I've been training for this my whole
12:44
life. I have no idea to be that
12:46
disciplined and going back to the gym and having that mental
12:49
clarity. It helps so much.
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And I know in the moment of working out, I hate every sweat,
12:56
everything of it. But post working out, I'm like,
12:59
I can't conquer the world. So that also to me can be
13:03
self-care. So it really has to do with what
13:05
you want it to be at the end of the day, you control that can't
13:08
do it for you and vice versa. But it's finding those little
13:11
moments that makes us happy. If it's reading a book, if it's
13:14
talking on the phone. But I.
13:16
Think one important thing to learn as a mother, too, is to
13:20
trust your partner with a child. Yeah, I think that's a that was
13:25
a big hurdle in the beginning because I thought nobody can
13:28
take care of this care but me. Nobody can tend to those needs
13:32
but me. Especially as a first time.
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And even with, you know, when you have your second kids, like
13:38
they are two kids, I mean, keeping one alive is one thing,
13:41
having 2 when one could do one thing and the other one, you
13:45
know, could get into something else.
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And I think that's the thing that I had to learn to give the
13:50
baton to my husband and be like, OK, he's not going to do the
13:54
things that I do, but he's going to keep him alive.
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And sometimes you mean the standards might be low but
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keeping them alive? It's very high.
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That's all you have to do. And something and now it's OK if
14:08
they're clothes are not matching.
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I remember going to work coming back and I'm like why are they
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wearing knee high sock? One knee high sock, 1 normal
14:18
sock. Why the color is not matching?
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It is 80° outside and you're putting on a hoodie.
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It doesn't make sense, but they were all happy and dandy.
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Yeah, you pick your bottle, right?
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I was like, why are we have yogurt for dinner?
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That or you know, cereal for dinner.
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They are all. Alive, it's OK.
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And sometimes you just, you know, have to be fine with it
14:42
that things are not going to be done the way you will do it and
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be OK with it. And I think that's one thing
14:48
that I can just encourage every mom It's OK if it's not done the
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way you. Do it.
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That is something I'm still working on honestly, like
14:56
relying and I think we talked about my resolution for the
15:00
year. You know, it's kind of like,
15:02
what's the word, asking for help or delegating for going back to
15:05
that word, you know, and as I'm traveling and stuff, it took a
15:08
lot to be OK, saying you've got the kids because you're the dad,
15:14
right? And trusting whatever happens,
15:17
it's under his watch. And then coming back and
15:19
realizing, OK, everybody's alive, everybody's fed.
15:22
My goodness, the kitchen is clean.
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I'm like, you can do it. And honestly, not only a proud
15:27
moment for myself, but it made me realize like, yes, I don't
15:30
know if it's a trust thing as mothers, right?
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Because we think if we don't touch it or if we don't do it,
15:36
it's never going to get them. But that's not true.
15:38
That's not the reality. He's a person too.
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Those are his little kids too, so, and he's watching everything
15:44
you've done with them. So it may look like, you know,
15:47
high socks not matching or whatever the case, but they're
15:52
alive. That's good enough.
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Alive and safe and safe. I'm realizing that's more for me
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time. Yes, yes, absolutely.
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Feel bad, cop? What about you, really?
16:03
I can resonate with that for sure.
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I think for me, it's perfectionism.
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Nobody's gonna do it like I do it.
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I find myself correcting my husband on how I think you
16:12
should do it, so I'm still working on that, but I have
16:16
delegated a lot more. Yeah.
16:18
Because it was driving me crazy. Like Lynn says, just wind things
16:21
to look a certain way. It has to be done like this.
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It has to look like this. And that anxiety creeped into
16:27
like easy monitoring everything. For me, I had a big thing with
16:31
choking. Choking hazard for me was like
16:33
huge. It's like you didn't cut that
16:36
right and you didn't do this and this.
16:37
And I was like, calm down. Like you say, you have to trust
16:41
that you know how to keep this human alive.
16:43
And that is part of self-care. Because if you're taking on so
16:47
much, it just feels very overwhelming and then you have
16:50
absolutely no time or energy. You should give yourself some
16:52
time to just relax. That's where the partnership
16:55
comes in, right? We going into this whole
16:58
marriage because we're, we're all married here, having that
17:01
partner to rely on. But some something in motherhood
17:04
changes that where it's like, no, I have to do it, you know,
17:07
and yes, perfectionism is trying to like I'm trying to correct,
17:11
but he's never going to learn for keep correcting.
17:13
He still wants to have it his way, right, because it's two
17:17
different people becoming one. Trust the process.
17:20
But on that, you reminded me of something that I thought about a
17:23
lot while I was feeling really overwhelmed.
17:26
Single parents, Like what would we say to single parents as far
17:30
as delegating? I have a friend and I remember
17:33
her saying like, oh, I feel so stressed when I leave my if it
17:37
was her youngest son or her daughter to her mother-in-law
17:41
because she's like, I'm not there.
17:42
I can't see what they're doing. Like we're with our significant
17:46
others. So we can either monitor or take
17:49
a step by. But my thoughts were like, Oh my
17:51
God, kudos to single parents that are talking a lot on their
17:55
own. What would we say for like
17:57
suggestions? It's a big trust thing,
17:59
definitely. We are very intuitional.
18:02
We can sense if we. Can you know?
18:05
Trust a person or not, we can tell if it's a right fit or not.
18:10
And I think it's important that you know, you leave your
18:14
children with control that you trust and then just let it be.
18:19
It's hard to do that, but you can't monitor everything that
18:22
they do. And it's hard to when you hire a
18:25
babysitter and you don't know. And it's definitely always
18:29
helpful to have monitoring devices and let the person know
18:34
that we're dropping in to check if everything is.
18:38
But definitely trust your gut and get the help that you move
18:42
because you will spiral endlessly if you do not give the
18:46
baton to somebody. We need to be able to.
18:49
Let go in some way. While you were talking, I'm
18:52
thinking about how you talked about building your community
18:55
and your tribe. It's different to a village.
18:58
I think that would be the suggestion.
18:59
Yeah. Like find your people, build
19:02
your village, especially you that you've been traveling a
19:04
lot, right? As like moving a lot as military
19:07
wife. And then I moved here and I'm
19:10
like, I feel like I have no one. And it was so hard, but it
19:13
reminded me of that. I was like, Oh yeah, at some
19:15
point I built my village. You built your village because
19:17
you know you have those communities too, like church,
19:20
youth group. They have, you know, you learn,
19:22
you learn to trust people. And as moms, I feel like we have
19:25
that second instinct to have and it's OK to try and be what do
19:31
what's comfortable for you until you're ready.
19:34
Because I know we don't have family here, my husband and I to
19:37
watch the babies. So I remember with Omari,
19:40
honestly for that first year, we didn't go on a date, not
19:43
intentionally. We kind of we were delving this
19:46
whole baby world COVID thing like it just didn't happen.
19:50
And after dropping off Omari at school, he started daycare and
19:54
we're like, OK. And then I, I'm very grateful I
19:57
get summer Fridays to my work. So I would leave work early and
20:01
I have the afternoon. That means self-care excited.
20:04
Then we started doing like lunch dates and stuff.
20:06
So we were filling our cups and we're talking about it would be
20:09
nice to do a day. Late night, then we will take
20:13
advantage when all parents would be in town so they'll have
20:15
grammar times, right? But for the remainder, like
20:18
nobody else was around, we didn't really have a babysitter.
20:21
And I remember dropping off Omari and this teacher reached
20:25
out to us and said, hey, Omar is doing well and he is so great.
20:29
But please, I do offer babysitting services.
20:32
You guys are welcome to take it whenever if you ever need it.
20:36
And let me tell that was a possibility that I didn't even
20:39
think of in that moment. I, I was not looking for a
20:42
babysitter. I've tried the whole nanny
20:44
thing. It just didn't work out for us.
20:46
That's a whole story. And when she said that, I talked
20:49
to hubby about and we realized we haven't really been on a
20:51
date. We should try it.
20:53
And we like that Omari clicked with that teacher and loved her.
20:57
So when she came over, we're like, OK, we're going to be
21:00
gone. She's like, go out, have dinner
21:02
and come back. And yes, we did communicate that
21:04
we had the devices and we'll be checking it.
21:07
But I remember we sat there and we ate and we're like so ready
21:09
to go back home because this was like our first time and with
21:11
this stranger in our home and she so I'm not texting.
21:15
Okay, are we ready? She's like, how about you guys
21:17
go? So we went to sprouts and walked
21:19
around, but we came back and we were like, this was my bed.
21:22
We came home. She bathed him and put him to
21:25
bed or Maurice slept through the night.
21:27
And we were like, Oh my goodness, you're hired.
21:31
So I'm going back to like, find communities.
21:33
Social media is a big thing. They have those group moms.
21:36
I know you have stories on those, Rosie, but try different
21:39
things. And whenever you're ready, just
21:41
trust that process. It's hard, but you have friends.
21:46
Co workers, right? Families and if you're fortunate
21:49
enough to have families around, take advantage of that.
21:51
A lot of people neighbors, that's right, neighbors for
21:55
sure. So you never know.
21:57
It's just like having a conversation because you're
22:00
sharing your needs or where you're at and if you feel it,
22:03
try it with that person 30 minutes an hour.
22:06
And that can be game changers and I think.
22:08
You need to train yourself to let you say, you know, it's
22:12
like, it's like with everything. The first time, it's gonna be
22:15
hard and don't give up. Yes.
22:18
If you don't give up, if you don't have the the perfect
22:22
experience, just keep trying, extend the time a little bit
22:26
longer and eventually you'll get to a point where you can have
22:30
trust and you can actually not talk about the kids while you're
22:34
at. I remember going out the first
22:36
time without the baby and all you talked about is the baby and
22:40
you're thinking like, OK there. I guess this is my life, just.
22:43
The baby and you're like, let me show you the pictures I took
22:45
this morning. It comes like. 20,000 pictures
22:48
and you're going through and you're like this tape was great.
22:53
Yeah, train yourself to trust other people a little bit at a
22:56
time. Yeah and again make it what
22:59
works for you because until you are comfortable with it just
23:03
keep trying. I have a question.
23:05
What does a perfect self-care date like?
23:08
Definitely is going to be some sort of community is going to be
23:12
a part of it. That a part of self-care day is
23:17
connecting with my besties, but definitely taking care of myself
23:22
to taking time to disconnect from my motherly duties.
23:27
I like being out and doing that because I feel like at home I
23:31
always seek work. Yeah, because that's where
23:33
everything is. Yeah, now.
23:35
So like stepping out, taking a walk, I'm going to the store and
23:39
browsing. Sounds silly as it is like going
23:42
to TJ Maxx. Let's see if that's.
23:44
Wait, wait. It's fair.
23:45
Of myself, my wallet doesn't think just looking around and
23:50
just taking my time trying on cute.
23:52
Clothes. Definitely believe more
23:54
traditional things would be getting a massage getting I
23:58
wanna get my eyebrows done, things like that for sure just
24:03
you know, feeling rejuvenated after, you know, getting a nice
24:06
full body massage and getting a facial and then having.
24:11
Cough and so. A nice lunch, we would be
24:13
sitting by the water and just feeling a breeze on my skin.
24:19
Something like that I. Think that would be beautiful?
24:21
How about you? I feel like we've had this
24:23
recently, Rosie, where we just took a day off and we went to
24:27
the beach and we enjoyed some ground conversation and
24:31
cocktails and then we drove home.
24:33
That was perfect for me because I love the beach, I love
24:35
cocktails and I got a friend, so it was like.
24:38
When, When? When?
24:39
But I also enjoyed the massage and getting many patents.
24:42
But one of the things I'm finding this is amazing timing.
24:46
I'm so precious. I don't want to go for a whole
24:49
day of mini petty. I would like 30 minutes.
24:52
Each can you? Can we make it?
24:55
Happen in like an hour and I'm out the door.
24:58
Those days of just sitting there and I don't have it in me and
25:02
I'm fighting. And I think that's that whole
25:04
motherhood thing for me because I'm just sitting there like I'm
25:07
like, I could be folding laundry right now.
25:09
I have a whole list on my mind. I'm not as relaxed when I'm
25:12
relaxed is at the beach or I'm getting a massage because I
25:16
cannot access my phone and I'm drinking a cocktail and watching
25:20
the ocean. That feels like a but yeah, many
25:23
pennies. I need it.
25:24
But I don't put self-care anymore.
25:26
It's a time. Thing I was like yes, can we do
25:30
more of that? Can we schedule that in?
25:32
Yes, I was thinking the same because self-care can look like
25:35
Lynn says, like sometimes I drop off, drop off the aggro and I
25:38
head over to Marshalls and I kind of hang out.
25:41
Just not having that agenda of I have to do something and then I
25:43
come home and I tackle a couple of to do's.
25:46
But a perfect fake self-care day is with friends and the ones as
25:51
soon as you said that question, what I'm thinking about was your
25:53
birthday was that day at the beach.
25:56
We went out. To have brunch, not.
25:59
Too long ago because self-care could be our our team building
26:04
meeting so we sit down and plan and we have some ideas while
26:08
we're having cocktails and dinner or brunch or coffee at my
26:12
favorite coffee shop those that would be a perfect self-care day
26:15
for me because I'm with my friends it's filling my cup
26:18
adult conversations no interruption those are the best
26:23
and yes let's please plan put it on the calendar.
26:26
We need to go to the beach now that it's cooler.
26:28
Lynn can join us because it's windy, but.
26:31
Once. It's not windy, Will.
26:32
Not join. She will not join us, but that's
26:34
fine. But the best way after all that
26:37
is the nap. Glorious 30 minutes nap.
26:41
So to our audience out there, our last final thoughts are
26:45
taking care of yourself isn't selfish.
26:47
It's really necessary. It's how you show up better for
26:49
yourself to lead your family and actually enjoy your life.
26:53
So this is a conversation that we feel that we need to have
26:56
more openly because the more we talk about it, the more we give
26:59
other women permission to choose themselves again.
27:02
So let this be a reminder that you.
27:03
Don't have to lose. Yourself to be a good mom.
27:06
Now we want to hear from you. Please share any feedback and
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favorite moments from this episode.
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27:21
Meet you there.