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Gentlemen Prefer Blondes · Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

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Gentlemen prefer blondes. March sixteenth, A gentleman friend and I were dining at
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the Ritz last evening, and he said that if I took a pencil and
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a paper and put down all of my thoughts, it would make a book.
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This almost made me smile, as what it would really make would be
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a whole row of encyclopedias. I mean I seem to be thinking practically all
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of the time. I mean it is my favorite recreation. And sometimes I
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sit for hours and do not seem to do anything else but think. So
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this gentleman said, a girl with brains ought to do something else with them
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besides think. And he said he ought to know brains when he sees them,
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because he is in the Senate and he spends quite a great deal of
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time in Washington, d c. And when he comes into contact with brains,
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he always notices it. So it might have all blown over. But
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this morning he sent me a book. And so when my maid brought it
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to me, I said to her, well, Lulu, here is another
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book, and we have not read half the ones we have got yet.
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But when I opened it and saw that it was all a blank, I
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remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said, And so then I realized that it was
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a diary. So here I am writing a book instead of reading one.
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But now it is the sixteenth of March, and of course it is too
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late to begin with January. But it does not matter. Has my gentleman
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friend mister Eisman was in town practically all of January and February. And when
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he is in town, one day seems to be practically the same as the
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next day. I mean, mister Eisman is in the wholesale button profession in
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Chicago, and he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as
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Gus Eisman, the button King, and he is the gentleman who is interested
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in educating me. So of course he is always coming down to New York
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to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when mister
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Eisman is in New York, we always seem to do the same thing.
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And if I wrote down one day in my diary, all I would have
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to do would be to put quotation marks for all the other days. I
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mean, we always seem to have dinner at the colony and see a show
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and go to the trocadero, and then mister Eisman shows me to my apartment.
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So of course, when a gentleman is interested in educating a girl,
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he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until quite late.
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So I am quite fatigued the next day, and I do not really
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get up until it is time to dress for dinner at the colony. It
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would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress. I mean,
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at my home near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to
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do something about my music, because all my friends said I had talent,
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and they all kept after me and kept after me about practicing. But some
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way, I never seemed to care so much about practicing. I mean,
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I simply could not sit for hours and hours at a time practicing just for
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the sake of a career. So one day I got quite temperamental and threw
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the old mandolin clear across the room and I have really never touched it since.
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But writing is different because you do not have to learn or practice,
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and it is more temperamental because practicing seems to take all the temperament out of
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me. So now I really almost have to smile because I have just noticed
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that I have written clear across two pages onto March eighteenth. So this will
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do for today and tomorrow, And it just shows how temperamental I am when
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I get started March nineteenth. Well, last evening Dorothy called up, and
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Dorothy said she has met a gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in
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the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and
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dinner, and then they went to a show, and then they went to
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the Trocadero. So Dorothy said, his name was Lord Cooksley, but what
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she really calls him is Cucko. So Dorothy said, why don't you and
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I and Cucko go to the follies tonight and bring Gus along if he is
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in town. So then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because every
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time that Dorothy mentions the subject of mister Eisman, she calls mister Eisman by
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his first name, and she does not seem to realize that when a gentleman
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who is as important as mister Eisman spends quite a lot of money educating a
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girl, it really does not show reference to call a gentleman by his first
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name. I mean, I never even think of calling mister Eisman by his
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first name. But if I want to call him anything at all, I
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call him daddy. And I do not even call him daddy if a place
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seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that mister Eisman would not be
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in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Cucko came up and
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we went to the follies. So this morning Cuckoo called up and he wanted
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me to luncheon at the Ritz. I mean, these foreigners really have quite
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a nerve just because Cuckoo is an Englishman and a lord. He thinks a
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girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when
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all he does is talk about some exposition. He went on to a place
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called ty Bett, and after talking for hours, I found out that all
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they were was a lot of chinamen. So I will be quite glad to
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see mister Eisman when he gets in because he always has something quite interesting to
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talk about. As for instance, the last time he was here, he
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presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet. So next week is my birthday
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and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays. I did intend to luncheon
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at the Ritz with Dorothy today, and of course Cuckoo had to spoil it,
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as I told him that I could not luncheon with him today because my
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brother was in town on business and had the mumps, so I really could
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not leave him alone, because of course if I went to the Ritz now,
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I would bump into Cuckoo. But I sometimes almost have to smile at
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my own imagination, because of course I have not got any brother, and
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I have not even thought of the mumps for years. I mean, it
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is no wonder that I can write. So the reason I thought I would
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take luncheon at the Ritz was because mister Chaplin is at the Ritz, and
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I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met mister Chaplin once when
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we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood, and I am sure
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he would remember me. Gentlemen always seemed to remember blondes. I mean,
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the only career I would like to be besides an authoress is a cinema star.
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And I was doing quite well in the cinema when mister Eisman made me
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give it all up. Because of course, when a gentleman takes a friendly
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interest in educating a girl, as mister Eisman does, you like to show
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that you appreciate it. And he is against a girl being in the cinema
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because his mother is Orthodox. March twentieth, mister Eisman gets in tomorrow to
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be here in time for my birthday. So I thought it would really be
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delightful to have at least one good time before mister Eisman got in. So
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last evening I had some literary gentleman in to spend the evening, because mister
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Eisman always liked me to have literary people in and out of the apartment.
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I mean, he is quite anxious for a girl to improve her mind.
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And his greatest interest in me is because I always seem to want to improve
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my mind and not waste any time. And mister Eisman likes me to have
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what the French people call a solo, which means that people all get together
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in the evening and improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy
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gentlemen I could think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the
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professor of all the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is
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the famous editor of the New York transcript. And another gentleman who is the
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famous playwright who writes very very famous plays that are all about life. I
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mean, anybody would recognize his name, but it always seems to slip my
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memory because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So
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Sam asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England. So
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I said yes, So he brought him, and then we all got together,
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and I called up Gloria and Dorothy, and the gentleman brought their own
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liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning, and Lulu
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and I worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up. But heaven knows
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how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed. March twenty second,
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Well, my birthday has come and gone. But it was really quite depressing.
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I mean, it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest
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in educating a girl like Gus Eisman would want her to have the biggest square
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cut diamond in New York. I mean, I must say I was quite
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disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could hardly see.
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So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had
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quite a headache and I had better stay in a dark room all day,
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and I told him I would see him the next day. Perhaps because even
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Lulu thought it was quite small, and she said if she was I,
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she really would do something definite. And she said she always believed in the
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old adage leave them while you're good looking. But he came in at dinner
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time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of square cut diamonds, so I
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was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony, and
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we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero, as usual whenever he
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is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small
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it was. I mean, he kept talking about how bad business was,
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and the button profession was full of Bolsheviks who made nothing but trouble. Because
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mister Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the Bolsheviks,
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and I become quite worried. I mean, if the Bolsheviks do get in,
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there is only one gentleman who could handle them, and that is mister
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D. W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when mister Griffith was
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directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema, just before mister Eisman
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made me give up my career, and I was playing one of the girls
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that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the tower.
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And when I saw how mister Griffith handled all of those mobs in Intolerance,
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I realized that he could do anything. And I really think that the Government
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of America ought to tell mister Griffith to get all ready if the Bolsheviks start
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to do it well. I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes
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novels seems to have taken quite an interest in me as soon as he found
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out that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and
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I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole
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complete set of books for my birthday, by a gentleman called mister Conrad.
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They all seem to be about ocean travel, although I have not had time
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to more than glance through them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel,
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ever since I posed for mister Christy for the front cover of a novel
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about ocean travel. By McGrath, because I always say that a girl never
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really looks as well as she does on board a steamship or even a yacht.
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So the English gentleman's name is mister Gerald Lambson, as those who have
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read his novels would know, and he also sent me some of his own
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novels, as they seem to be about middle age English gentlemen who live in
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the country over in London and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite different
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from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told mister Lambson how I
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write down all of my thoughts, and he said he knew I had something
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to me from the first minute he saw me, and when we become better
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acquainted, I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I
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even told mister Eisman about him, and he is quite pleased, because,
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of course mister Lambson is quite famous, and it seems mister Eisman has read
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all of his novels going to and fro on the trains, and mister Eisman
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is always anxious to meet famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner
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on Saturday night. But of course I did not tell mister Eisman that I
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am really getting quite a little crush on mister Lambson, which I really believe
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I am, but mister Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.
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March thirtieth, at last, mister Eisman has left on the twentieth century,
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and I must say I am quite fatigued and a little rest will be quite
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welcome. I mean, I do not mind staying out late every night if
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I dance, but mister Eisman is really not such a good dancer, so
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most of the time we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite
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to eat. And of course I do not dance with anyone else when I
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am out with mister Eisman. But mister Eisman and Jerry, as mister Lambson
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wants me to call him, became quite good friends, and we had several
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evenings all three together. So now that mister Eisman is out of town at
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last, Jerry and I are going out together this evening. And Jerry said
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not to dress up because Jerry seems to like me more for my soul.
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So I really had to tell Jerry that if all the gentlemen were like he
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seems to be, Madam Francis's whole dressmaking establishment would have to go out of
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business. But Jerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a
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doll. But he likes her to bring in her husband's slippers every evening and
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make him forget what he has gone through. But before mister Eisman went to
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Chicago, he told me that he is going to Paris this summer on professional
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business. And I think he intends to present me with a trip to Paris,
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as he says, there is nothing so educational as traveling. I mean,
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it did worlds of good to Dorothy when she went abroad lass spring,
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and I never get tired of hearing her telling how the merry go rounds in
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Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not know whether to
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be thrilled or not, because of course, if I go to Paris,
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I will have to leave Jerry, and both Jerry and I have made up
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our minds not to be separated from one another from now. On March thirty
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first, last night, Jerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place
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where we had roast beef and baked potato. I mean, he always wants
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me to have food, which is what he calls nourishing, which most gentlemen
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never seemed to think about. So then we took a handsome cab and drove
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for hours around the park because Jerry said the air would be good for me.
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It is really very sweet to have someone think of all those things that
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gentlemen hardly ever seemed to think about. So then we talked quite a lot.
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I mean, Jerry knows how to draw a girl out, and I
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told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So
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when he heard all about my life, he became quite depressed, and we
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both had tears in our eyes because he said he never dreamed a girl could
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go through so much as I and come out so sweet and not made bitter
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by it all. I mean, Jerry thinks that most gentlemen are brutes and
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hardly ever think about a girl's soul. So it seems that Jerry has quite
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a lot of trouble himself, and he cannot even get married on account of
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his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other,
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but she was a suffragette and asked him to marry her, so what could
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he do? So we rode all around the park, until quite late,
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talking and philosophizing quite a lot, and I finally told him that I thought,
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after all that bird life was the highest form of civilization. So Jerry
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calls me his little thinker, and I really would not be surprised if all
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of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels, because
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Jerry says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many
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brains, and he had almost given up looking for his ideal when our paths
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seemed to cross each other. And I told him I really thought a thing
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like that was nearly always the result of fate. So Jerry says that I
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remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was of Greek extraction.
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But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of
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mister Georgopolis, who was really quite wealthy. And he is what Dorothy and
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I call a shop because you can always call him up at any hour and
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ask him to go shopping, and he is always quite delighted, which very
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few gentlemen seem to be, and he never seems to care how much anything
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costs. I mean, mister Georgopolis is also quite cultured, is I know
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quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French, but mister
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Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek, which very few gentlemen seem
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to be able to do. April First, I am taking special pains with
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my diary from now on, as I am really writing it for Jerry.
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I mean, he and I are going to read it together some evening in
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front of the fireplace. But Jerry leaves this evening for Boston as he has
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to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but he will rush right
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back as soon as possible. So I'm going to spend all of my time
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in proving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are both going
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to a museum on Fifth Avenue because Jerry wants to show me a very very
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beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called mister Cillini, and he wants me
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to read mister Cellini's Life, which is a very very fine book and not
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dull while he is in Boston. So the famous playwright friend of mine,
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who is called Sam, called up this morning and he wanted me to go
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to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentleman are giving to
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Florence Mills in Harlem. But Jerry does not want me to go with Sam,
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as Sam always insists on telling Riskuae stories. But personally I am quite
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broad minded, and I always say that I do not mind a riskay story
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as long as it is really funny. I mean, I have a great
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sense of humor. But Jerry says Sam does not always select and chew his
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stories, and he just as soon as I did not go out with him.
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So I'm going to stay home and read the book by mister Cellini instead,
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because after all, the only thing I am really interested in is improving
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my mind, So I am going to do nothing else but improve my mind
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while Jerry is in Boston. I mean, I just received a cable from
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Willie Gwynn, who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not even going
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to Bother to see him. He is a sweet boy, but he never
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gets anywhere, and I am not going to waste my time on such as
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him after meeting a gentleman like Jerry. April second, I seem to be
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quite depressed this morning, as I always am when there's nothing to put my
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mind to, because I decided not to read the book by mister Cellini.
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I mean, it was quite amusing in spots because it was really quite risky,
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but the spots were not so close together, and I never seemed to
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like to always be hunting clear through a book for the spots I am looking
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for, especially when there are really not so many spots that seem to be
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so amusing after all, so I did not waste my time on it.
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But this morning I told Lulu to let all of the housework go and spend
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the day reading a book entitled Lord Jim and then tell me all about it,
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so that I would improve my mind while Jerry is away. But when
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I got her the book, I nearly made a mistake and gave her a
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book by the title of The Nigger of Narcissus, which really would have hurt
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her feelings. I mean, I do not know why authors cannot say Negro
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instead of nigger, as they have their feelings just the same as we have.
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Well, I just got a telegram from Jerry that he will not be
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back until tomorrow, and also some orcand it's from Willy Gwinn, so I
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may as well go to the theater with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed,
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as he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean, he
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never really does anything obnoxious, and it is quite depressing to stay at home
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and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth
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bothering about. April third, I was really so depressed this morning that I
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was even glad to get a letter from mister Eisman because last night Willy Gwynn
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came to take me to the follies, but he was so intoxicated that I
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had to telephone his club to send around a taxi to take him home.
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So that left me alone with Lulu at nine o'clock with nothing to do.
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So I put in a telephone call for Boston to talk to Jerry, but
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it never went through. So Lulu tried to teach me how to play Majong,
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but I really could not keep my mind on it because I was so
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depressed. So today I think I had better go over to Madame Francis's and
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order some new evening gowns to cheer me up. Well, Lulu just brought
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me a telegram from Jerry that he will be in this afternoon. But I
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must not meet him at the station on account of all the reporters who always
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meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will
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come right up to see me as he has something to talk about. April
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fourth, What an evening we had last evening. I mean, it seems
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that Jerry is madly in love with me because all of the time he was
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in Boston lecturing to the women's clubs. He said, as he looked over
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the faces of all those club women in Boston, he never realized I was
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so beautiful, and he said that there was only one in the world,
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and that was me. But it seems that Jerry thinks that mister Eisman is
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terrible and that no good can come of our friendship. I mean, I
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was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along quite well together.
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But it seems that Jerry never wants me to see mister Eisman again, and
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he wants me to give up everything and study French, and he will get
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a divorce and we will be married. Because Jerry does not seem to like
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the kind of life all of us lead in New York, and he wants
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me to go home to Papa in Arkansas, and he will send me books
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to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And he gave me
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his uncle's Masonic ring, which came down from the time of Solomon, and
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which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement ring. And
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this afternoon a lady friend of his is going to bring me a new system
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she thought up of how to learn French. But some way, I still
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seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of
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the terrible things Jerry said about New York and about mister Eisman. Of course
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I can understand Jerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of mine, And of
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course I never really thought that mister Eisman was Rudolph Valentino. But Jerry said
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it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship
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with mister Eisman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean,
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Jerry likes to talk quite a lot, and I always think a lot
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of talking is depressing and worries your brains with things you never even think of
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when you are busy. But so long as Jerry does not mind me going
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out with other gentlemen when they have something to give you. Mentally, I
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am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the gold Mark Films, who is
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always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema because mister Goldmark
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is madly in love with Dorothy, and Dorothy is always wanting me to go
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back to the cinema because Dorothy says that she will go if I will go.
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April sixth, Well, I finally wrote mister Eisman that I was going
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to get married, and it seems that he is coming on at once,
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as he would probably like to give me his advice. Getting married is really
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quite serious, and Jerry talks to me for hours and hours about it.
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I mean, he never seems to get tired of talking, and he does
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not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else
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but talk. And if I don't really have something definite to put my mind
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on soon, I will scream. April seventh, Well, mister Eisman arrived
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this morning and he and I had quite a long talk, and after all,
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I think he is right, because here is the first real opportunity I
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have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and
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improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author
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where he is the whole thing, and all I would be would be the
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wife of Gerald Lambson, And on top of that, I would have to
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be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched.
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So mister Eisman said that opportunities come too seldom in a girl's life for me
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to give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am
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sailing for France and London on Tuesday, and taking Dorothy with me, and
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mister Eisman says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all
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of the ropes, and she can get along in Paris just as though she
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knew French. And besides, she knows a French gentleman who was born and
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raised there, who speaks it like a native, and knows Paris like a
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book. And Dorothy says that when we get to London, nearly everybody speaks
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English anyway. So it is quite lucky that mister Lambson is out lecture in
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Cincinnati and he will not be back until Wednesday, and I can send him
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a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now, but
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I will see him later perhaps, so anyway, I will be spared listening
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to any more of his depressing conversation. So mister Eisman gave me quite a
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nice string of pearls, and he gave Dorothy a diamond pin, and we
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all went to the colony for dinner, and we all went to a show
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and supper at the Trocadero, and we all spent quite a pleasant evening.
28:33
Fate keeps on happening. April eleventh. Well, Dorothy and I are really
28:41
on the ship sailing to Europe, as anyone could tell by looking at the
28:44
ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I always love a ship,
28:49
and I really love the Majestic because you would not know it was a
28:52
ship, because it was just like being at the Ritz. And the steward
28:56
says, the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally is.
29:02
So mister Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has
29:06
to be there on business. I mean, he always says that there is
29:10
really no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris. So Dorothy
29:15
is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met
29:18
on the steps. But I am not going to waste my time going around
29:22
with gentlemen, because if I did nothing but go around, I would not
29:26
finish my diary or read good books, which I am always reading to improve
29:30
my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind, and I
29:34
always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around with
29:38
gentlemen who do not have anything. When Eddie Goldmark of the gold Mark Films
29:45
is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents, but she does
29:49
nothing but waste her time. And yesterday, which was really the day before
29:53
we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with mister Goldmark, but she
29:57
went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called mister Menkin from Baltimore, who really
30:03
only prints a green magazine which has not even got any pictures in it.
30:07
But mister Eisman is always saying that every girl does not want to get ahead
30:11
and get educated like me. So mister Eisman and Lulu come down to the
30:18
boat to see me off, and Lulu cried quite a lot. I mean,
30:22
I really believe she could not care any more for me if she was
30:25
light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life because when she
30:30
was quite young, a pullman porter fell madly in love with her, so
30:36
she believed him, and he lured her away from her home to Ashtabulah and
30:41
deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had been deceived,
30:45
and she really was broken hearted. And when she tried to go back home,
30:51
she found out that it was too late because her best girlfriend, who
30:55
she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he wouldn't not take Lulu
31:00
back. So I have always said to her she could always work for me,
31:04
and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back,
31:07
because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sup let her apartment when
31:12
she went to Europe last year, and the gentleman who supplet the apartment allowed
31:17
girls to pay calls on him who were not nice. Mister Eisman has literally
31:23
filled our room with flowers, and this steward has had quite a hard time
31:27
to find enough vases to put them into. I mean, the steward said
31:32
he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy and I that he would have quite
31:34
a heavy run on vases and Of course, mister Eisman has sent quite a
31:40
lot of good books, as he always does, because he always knows that
31:44
good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large book
31:48
of etiquette. As he says, there is quite a lot of etiquette in
31:51
England and London, and it would be a good thing for a girl to
31:55
learn. So I'm going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read
31:59
it, because I would often like to know what a girl ought to do
32:02
when a gentleman she has just met says something to her in a taxi.
32:07
Of course, I always become quite vexed, but I always believe in giving
32:10
a gentleman another chance. So now the story tells me it is luncheon time,
32:16
so I will go upstairs as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has
32:20
invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special dining room on
32:24
the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money because they really give
32:29
away the food in the other dining room. April twelfth, I am going
32:34
to stay in bed this morning, as I am quite upset as I saw
32:37
a gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the
32:42
gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distance in the bar. But
32:45
if it really is the gentleman, it shows that when a girl has a
32:50
lot of fate in her life, it is sure to keep on happening.
32:53
So when I thought I saw this gentleman, I was with Dorothy and Major
32:58
Falcon, who is the gentleman? Dorothy met on the steps, and Major
33:00
Falcon noticed that I became upset, so he wanted me to tell him what
33:06
was the matter. But it was really so terrible that I would not want
33:08
to tell anyone. So I said good night to Major Falcon, and as
33:14
I left him with Dorothy, I went down to our room and did nothing
33:17
but cry and send the steward for some champagne to cheer me up. I
33:22
mean, champagne always makes me feel philosophical, because it makes me realize that
33:27
when a girl's life is as full of fate as mine seems to be,
33:30
there is nothing else to do about it. So this morning the steward brought
33:35
me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of ice water. So I will
33:38
stay in bed and not have any more champagne until luncheon time. Dorothy never
33:45
has any fate in her life, and she does nothing but waste her time.
33:49
And I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and
33:52
not Lulu. I mean, she really gives gentlemen a bad impression, as
33:57
she talks quite a lot of slang, because when I went up yesterday to
34:00
meet she and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon
34:06
that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a dirty while. Only she
34:13
did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that means intoxicated.
34:19
And I am always having to tell her that dirty is a slang word
34:22
and she really should not say dirty. Major Falcon is really quite a delightful
34:29
gentleman for an englishman. I mean, he really spends quite a lot of
34:32
money. And we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until
34:37
I thought I saw the gentleman who upset me, and I am so upset.
34:40
I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see
34:45
if it really is the one I think it is. I mean, there
34:47
is nothing else for me to do, as I have finished writing in my
34:51
diary for today, and I have decided not to read the Book of Etiquette
34:54
as I glanced through it, and it does not seem to have anything in
34:59
it that I care to know, because it wastes quite a lot of time
35:02
telling you what to call a lord. And all the lords I have met
35:07
have told me what to call them, and it is generally some quite cute
35:10
name, like Cuckoo, whose real name is really Lord Cooksley. So I
35:15
will not waste my time on such a book. But I wish I did
35:19
not feel so upset about the gentleman I think I saw April thirteenth. It
35:25
really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean, when I found
35:30
out it was the gentleman, my heart really stopped because it all brought back
35:35
things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are.
35:39
So yesterday, when I went up on the deck to see if I could
35:43
see the gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a
35:45
delightful gentleman whom I met once at a party, called mister Ginsburg. Only
35:52
his name is not mister Ginsburg anymore because a gentleman in London called mister Battenberg,
35:57
who is some relation to some king changed his name to mister mount Batten,
36:01
which mister Ginsburg says really means the same thing after all, So mister
36:06
Ginsburg changed his name to mister mount Gintz, which he really thinks is more
36:10
aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met the gentleman face to
36:15
face, and I really saw it was him, and he really saw it
36:21
was me. I mean, his face became so red it was almost a
36:24
picture. So I was so upset. I said goodbye to mister mount Ginz,
36:30
and I started to rush right down to my room and cry. But
36:34
when I was going down the steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon,
36:37
who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the
36:42
Ritz and have some champagne and tell him all about it. So then I
36:46
told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent me to Little Rock
36:52
to study how to become a stenographer. I mean, Papa and I had
36:55
quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay
37:00
calls on me in the park, and Papa thought it would do me good
37:02
to get away for a while. So I was in the business college in
37:07
Little Rock, for about a week when a gentleman called mister Jennings paid a
37:10
call on the Business College because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So
37:15
he looked over all week college girls and he picked me out. So he
37:22
told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in his office because
37:25
he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to know so much.
37:30
So mister Jennings helped me quite a lot, and I stayed in his
37:34
office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of
37:37
a gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean, one evening
37:42
when I went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found
37:45
a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice.
37:52
So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on mister Jennings,
37:55
I had quite a bad case of hysterics, and my mind was really
38:00
a blank. And when I came out of it, it seems that I
38:02
had a revolver in my hand, and it seems that the revolver had shot
38:07
mister Jennings. So this gentleman on the boat was really the district attorney who
38:13
was at the trial, and he really was quite harsh at the trial,
38:16
and he called me names that I would not even put in my diary.
38:22
Because everyone at the trial except the district attorney, was really lovely to me,
38:27
and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at
38:30
me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a
38:36
sister. So the jury was only out three minutes, and then they came
38:39
back and acquitted me, and they were all so lovely that I really had
38:44
to kiss all of them. And when I kissed the judge, he had
38:47
tears in his eyes and he took me right home to his sister. I
38:52
mean, it was when mister Jennings became shot that I got the idea to
38:55
go into the cinema. So Judge Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood.
39:00
So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my name because he did not
39:05
like the name I had, because he said a girl ought to have a
39:07
name that ought to express her personality. So he said my name ought to
39:13
be lor Lai, which is the name of a girl who became famous for
39:15
sitting on a rock in Germany. So I was in Hollywood in the cinema
39:21
when I met mister Eisman, and he said that a girl with my brains
39:24
ought not to be in the cinema, but she ought to be educated,
39:28
so he took me out of the cinema so he could educate me. So
39:32
Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because he said
39:37
it was quite a coincidence because this district attorney, who is called mister Bartlett,
39:43
is now working for the government of America, and he is on his
39:46
way to a place called Vienna on some business for Uncle Sam. That is
39:51
quite a great secret, and mister Falcon would like very much to know what
39:54
the secret is, because the government in London sent him to a mayor Peria
40:00
especially to find out what it was. Only, of course, mister Bartlett
40:05
does not know who Major Falcon is because it is such a great secret.
40:09
But Major Falcon can tell me because he knows who he can trust. So
40:15
Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to forgive and forget what
40:19
mister Bartlett called me, and he wants to bring us together. And he
40:23
says he thinks mister Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really
40:27
gets to know me, and I forgive him for that time in Little Rock
40:30
because it would be quite romantic for mister Bartlett and I to become friendly,
40:36
and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become romantic with girls.
40:40
So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner tonight,
40:45
and I'm going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because
40:49
why should a girl hold a grudge against a gentleman who had to do it?
40:52
So Major Falcon brought me quite a large bottle of perfume and quite a
40:57
cute imitation of quite a large size dog in a little shop which is on
41:01
board the boat. I mean, Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a
41:05
girl up quite a lot, and so tonight I'm going to make it all
41:08
up with mister Bartlett. April fourteenth, Well, mister Bartlett and I made
41:15
it all up last night, and we are going to be the best of
41:20
friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my room
41:23
quite late, Major Falcon came down to see if I and mister Bartlett were
41:28
really going to be friends, because he said a girl with brains like I
41:31
ought to have lots to talk about. With a gentleman with brains like mister
41:36
Bartlett, who knows all of Uncle Sam's secrets. So I told Major Falcon,
41:40
how mister Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be like a play
41:45
because all the time he was calling me all those names in Little Rock,
41:49
he really thought I was so when he found out that I turned out not
41:53
to be, he said he always thought that I only used my brains against
41:58
gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks I ought
42:02
to write a play about how he called me all those names in Little Rock
42:07
and then after seven years we became friendly. So I told Major Falcon that
42:13
I told mister Bartlett I would like to write the play, but I really
42:16
did not have time, as it takes quite a lot of time to write
42:21
my diary and read good books. So mister Bartlett did not know that I
42:25
read books, which is quite a coincidence because he reads them too. So
42:30
he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon called Smile,
42:35
Smile, Smile, which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading, which
42:39
cheers you up quite a lot. So I told Major Falcon that having a
42:45
friendship with mister Bartlett was really quite enervating because mister Bartlett does not drink anything,
42:51
and the less anybody says about his dancing, the better. But he
42:54
did ask me to dine at his table, which is not in the writs,
42:59
and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I
43:02
ought to. But I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost
43:07
everything. So I am going to stay in my room until luncheon, and
43:10
I am going to luncheon in the Rits with mister mount Gins, who really
43:15
knows how to treat a girl. Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite
43:20
a lot of time with a gentleman who is only a tennis champion. So
43:23
I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne, which is
43:28
quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a
43:31
nice boy, and he has had quite a sad life, and he likes
43:36
to tell me all about himself. I mean, it seems that he was
43:39
arrested in Flatbush because he promised a gentleman that he would bring him some very
43:45
very good scotch and they mistook him for a bootlegger, so it seems they
43:50
put him in prison, and they put him in a cell with two other
43:53
gentlemen who were very very famous burglars. I mean, they really had their
43:58
pictures in all the news papers and everybody was talking about them. So my
44:02
Steward, whose real name is Fred, was very very proud to be in
44:07
the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked him what he
44:12
was in for, he did not like to tell them that he was only
44:15
a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a house and
44:19
burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything would have gone all
44:23
right, except that the police had put a dictaphone in the cell and used
44:28
it all against him, and he could not get out until they had investigated
44:31
all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that it is much more
44:37
educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been through a lot and
44:40
really suffered, than it is to talk to it gentlemen like mister Bartlett.
44:45
But I will have to talk to mister Bartlett all afternoon, as Major Falcon
44:51
has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him. April
44:55
fifteenth. Last night, there was quite a mask raid ball on the ship,
45:00
which was really all for the sake of charity, because most of the
45:04
sailors seem to have orphans, which they get from going on the ocean when
45:07
the sea is very rough, so they took up quite a collection, and
45:12
mister Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of orphans, especially when their
45:17
parents are sailors. Mister Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot.
45:22
I mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a
45:25
girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the masquerade ball
45:30
was quite cute, and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of mister
45:35
Chaplain. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball,
45:38
but mister Bartlett bought us two scarves at the little store which is on
45:43
the ship, so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made
45:47
quite a cute carmen. So mister Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion
45:52
were the judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean,
45:57
I really hope I do not get any more large imitations of a dog,
46:01
as I have three now, and I do not see why the captain does
46:05
not ask mister Cardier to have a jewelry store on the ship, as it
46:08
is really not much fun to go shopping on a ship with gentlemen and buy
46:13
nothing but imitations of dogs. So after we won the prizes, I had
46:19
an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with mister Bartlett,
46:22
as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot, so
46:27
I told him to go up and wait for me and I would be up
46:30
later. As I promised a dance to mister mount Ginz, so he asked
46:35
me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait
46:38
up there and he would find out. So mister mount Ginz and I had
46:43
quite a delightful dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us because he was looking
46:49
for me, and he said I really should not keep mister Bartlett waiting.
46:53
So I went up on the deck and mister Bartlett was up there waiting for
46:57
me. And it seems that he really is madly in love with me,
47:01
because he did not sleep a wink since we became friendly, because he never
47:06
thought that I really had brains, but now that he knows it. It
47:08
seems that he has been looking for a girl like me for years, and
47:13
he said that really the place for me when he got back home was Washington,
47:17
d C. Where he lives. So I told him I thought a
47:22
thing like that was nearly always the result to fate. So he wanted me
47:25
to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the same trip that he
47:30
was taking to Vienna, as it seems that Vienna is in France and if
47:35
you go to England you go too far. But I told him that I
47:37
could not because I thought of he was really madly in love with me.
47:43
He would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he
47:45
had serious business in Vienna. That was a very very great secret. But
47:52
I told him I did not believe it was business, but that it really
47:54
was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said
48:00
it was business for the United States government at Washington, and he could not
48:05
tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a
48:08
lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew
48:13
it was business and not some girl, because I could not see how business
48:17
could be so important. So then he told me all about it. So
48:22
it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want,
48:29
especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them,
48:34
which is too long to put in my diary. So we sat up
48:37
and saw the sunrise, and I became quite stiff and told him I would
48:42
have to go down to my room because after all, the ship lands at
48:45
France today. And I said, if I got off the boat at France
48:49
to go to Vienna with him, I would have to pack up. So
48:52
I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came
48:58
in and she was up on deck with the tennis champion, but she did
49:00
not notice the sunrise, as she really does not love nature, but always
49:05
wastes her time and ruins her clothes, even though I always tell her not
49:09
to drink champagne out of a bottle on the deck of a ship, as
49:13
it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my
49:16
room and I will send a note to mister Bartlett to tell him I will
49:21
not be able to get off the boat at France to go to Vienna with
49:24
him, as I have quite a headache, but I will see him sometime
49:29
somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down at twelve, and
49:34
I have got to thinking over what mister Bartlett called me at Little Rock,
49:37
and I am quite upset. I mean, a gentleman never pays for those
49:42
things, but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major
49:45
Falcon all about the aeroplane business, as he really wants to know. And
49:51
after all, I do not think mister Bartlett is a gentleman to call me
49:54
all those names in Little Rock, even if it was seven years ago.
50:00
I mean, Major Falcon is always a gentleman, and he really wants to
50:04
do quite a lot for us in London because he knows the Prince of Wales
50:07
and he thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we
50:12
had really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my
50:15
room until mister Bartlett gets off the ship at France because I really do not
50:20
seem to care if I ever see mister Bartlett again. So tomorrow we will
50:24
be at England bright and early, and I really feel quite thrilled because mister
50:30
Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and
50:35
he says to take advantage of everybody we meet, as traveling is the highest
50:39
form of education. I mean, mister Eisman is always right, and Major
50:45
Falcon knows all the sights in London, including the Prince of Wales. So
50:50
it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite a delightful time in London.
50:55
London is really nothing. April seventeenth, Well, Dorothy and I are
51:01
really out London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday.
51:06
As the boat does not come clear up to London, but it stops on
51:09
the beach and you have to take a train. I mean, everything is
51:14
much better in New York because the boat comes right up to New York.
51:16
And I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational after all.
51:22
But I did not tell mister Eisman when I cabled him last night,
51:25
because mister Eisman really sent me to London to get educated, and I would
51:30
hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New
51:34
York. So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full
51:38
of Americans. I mean, you would really think it was New York,
51:43
because I always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to always be
51:46
running into Americans and to always feel at home. So yesterday Dorothy and I
51:52
went down to luncheon at the Ritz, and we saw a quite cute little
51:57
blonde girl at the next table, and Dorothy under the table because I do
52:01
not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as
52:05
I'm trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said, that is
52:09
quite a cute little girl, so she must be an American girl, And
52:14
sure enough, she called the head waiter with quite an American accent, and
52:19
she was quite angry, and she said to him, I have been coming
52:22
to this hotel for thirty five years, and this is the first time I
52:25
have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny
52:31
Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table, and we
52:36
were all three delighted to see each other because I and Fanny have known each
52:40
other for about five years, but I really feel as if I knew her
52:44
better because Mamma knew her forty five years ago when she and Mama used to
52:49
go to school together, and Mama used to always follow all her weddings in
52:52
the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being one
52:59
of the cutest girls in London. I mean, Fanny is almost historical,
53:04
because when a girl is cute for fifty years, it really begins to get
53:07
historical. So if Mama did not die of hardening of the arteries, she
53:14
and Fanny and I could have quite a delightful time in London. As Fanny
53:17
loves to shop, so we went shopping for hats, and instead of going
53:22
to the regular shop, we went to the children's department and Fanny and I
53:27
bought some quite cute hats, as children hats only coused half as much,
53:31
and Fanny does it all the time. I mean, Fanny really loves hats
53:36
and she buys some of the Children's department every week, so she really saves
53:39
quite a lot of money. So we came back to the Ritz to meet
53:44
Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to go to tea with him at a
53:47
girl's house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us
53:53
too, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.
53:59
So at Lady She'llelton's house, we met quite a few people who seemed
54:01
to be English. I mean, some of the girls in London seemed to
54:06
be ladies, which seems to be the opposite of a lord. And some
54:10
who are not ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not ladies or
54:15
honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call
54:20
them is miss. So Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we Americans come
54:25
to her house. I mean, she took Dorothy and I into the back
54:29
parlor and tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of
54:32
seashells for twenty five pounds. So we asked her how much it was in
54:37
money, and it seems it is one hundred and twenty five dollars. I
54:43
mean, I am really going to have a quite hard time in London with
54:45
Dorothy because she really should not say to an English lady what she said.
54:50
I mean, she should not say to an English lady that in America we
54:53
use shells the same way, only we put a dry pea under one of
54:59
them and we ca a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did
55:04
not need any shell flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved
55:08
dogs, so she would love us to meet her mother. So then she
55:13
took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother's house, which was just
55:16
around the corner from her house, because her mother seems to be called a
55:21
countess and raised dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and
55:25
she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of paint for such
55:30
an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she asked us
55:35
if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told her no,
55:39
But she did not seem to act like a countess of her elderly age
55:45
should act, because she said, you were right, my DearS, don't
55:49
let my daughter stick you. They fall apart in less than a week.
55:53
So then she asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I
55:57
mean, I could not stop Dorothy, but she said how long before the
56:01
dogs fall apart? But I do not think the countess acted like a countess
56:07
ought to act, because she laughed very, very loud, and she said
56:12
that Dorothy was really priceless, and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held
56:16
her arm around her all the time. I mean, I really think that
56:21
a countess should not encourage Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy
56:27
seems to be. But I told the Countess that we did not need any
56:31
dog. So then I met a quite delightful English lady who had a very
56:37
very beautiful diamond tiara in her handbag because she said that she thought some Americans
56:43
would be at the party, and it was really a very very great bargain.
56:47
I mean, I think a diamond tiara is delightful because it is a
56:51
place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds before, and I thought I
56:54
had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara. The English lady,
57:00
who was called missus Weeks, said it was in her family for years,
57:05
but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So I
57:09
was really very intrigued, and I asked her how much it cost in money,
57:14
and it seems it was seven thousand, five hundred dollars. So then
57:19
I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite
57:22
well groomed, so I asked Major Falcon who he was, and he said
57:27
he was called Sir Francis Beakman, and it seems he is very very wealthy.
57:34
So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one another,
57:37
and we met one another, and I asked Sir Francis Beakman if he
57:42
would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I could
57:45
wear it backwards with a ribbon on account of my hair being hobbed. And
57:51
I told Sir Francis Beakman that I really thought it looked quite cute, so
57:55
he thought it did too, but he seemed to have another end game.
58:00
So the Countess came up to me, and she is really very unrefined because
58:06
she said to me, do not waste your time on him, because she
58:09
said that whenever Sir Francis Beakman spent a haypenny, the statue of a gentleman
58:15
called mister Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean, some people
58:20
are so unrefined. They seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything. So I
58:25
really have my heart set on the diamond tiara. And I became quite worried
58:30
because missus weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would
58:34
be full of delightful Americans and it would be snapped up. So I was
58:38
so worried that I gave her one hundred dollars and she is going to hold
58:43
the diamond tiara for me, because what is the use of traveling if you
58:47
do not take advantage of opportunities. And it really is quite unusual to get
58:52
a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled mister Eisman,
58:57
and I told mister Eisman that he does not see to know how much it
59:00
costs to get educated by traveling, And I said, I really would have
59:04
to have ten thousand dollars. And I said I hoped I would not have
59:07
to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might be
59:13
very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all
59:17
my worrying, because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond
59:22
tiara, it may be quite a hard thing to get back one hundred dollars
59:25
from an English lady. So now I must really get dressed, as Major
59:30
Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in
59:34
London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara,
59:37
my whole trip to London will be quite a failure. April eighteenth, yesterday
59:45
was quite a night and day. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy
59:50
and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would
59:52
be delightful if we had another gentleman, and I made Major Falcon call up
59:58
Sir Francis Beakman. I mean I had a cable from mister Eisman which told
1:00:02
me he could not send me ten thousand dollars, but he would send me
1:00:07
one thousand dollars, which really would not be a drop in the bucket for
1:00:10
the diamond Tiara. So Sir Francis Beakman said that he could not come,
1:00:15
but I teased him and teased him over the telephone, so he finally said
1:00:21
he would come. So Major Falcon drives his own car, so Dorothy sat
1:00:25
with him, and I sat with Sir Francis Beakman. But I told him
1:00:30
that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beakman, but that I
1:00:34
was really going to call him Piggy. In London, they make a very
1:00:38
very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean, London is really nothing
1:00:43
at all. For instance, they make a great fuss over a tower that
1:00:47
really is not even tall as the Hickock's Building in Little Rock, Arkansas,
1:00:52
and it would only make a chimney on one of our towers in New York.
1:00:55
So Sir Francis Beakman wanted us to get out and look at the tower
1:01:00
because he said that quite a famous queen had her head cut off there one
1:01:04
morning. And Dorothy said, what a fool she was to get up that
1:01:07
morning, And that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in
1:01:12
London. So we did not bother to get out. So we did not
1:01:16
go to any more sites. Because they really have delicious champagne cocktails at a
1:01:22
very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris that you could not get
1:01:28
in New York for neither love or money. And I told Piggy that when
1:01:31
you are traveling, you really ought to take advantages of what you cannot do
1:01:36
at home. So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris,
1:01:40
pottering our nose in the ladies dressing room, we met an American girl who
1:01:45
Dorothy knew in the Folies, but now she is living in London, so
1:01:49
she told us all about London. So it seems that gentlemen in London have
1:01:53
quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean,
1:01:59
the English USh girls really seemed to be satisfied with a gold cigarette holder,
1:02:02
or else what they call a bangle, which means a bracelet in English,
1:02:07
which is only gold and does not have any stones in it, which American
1:02:12
girls would really give to their maid. So she said, you could tell
1:02:15
what English gentlemen were like when you realized that not even English ladies could get
1:02:21
anything out of them. So she said, Sir Francis Beakman was really famous
1:02:25
all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So
1:02:31
then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy's girlfriend, and Dorothy said, let's
1:02:36
tell our two boyfriends that we have a headache and go back to the Ritz
1:02:39
where men are Americans. Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman like
1:02:45
Sir Francis Beakman was too great a price to pay for a couple rounds of
1:02:50
champagne cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing
1:02:55
like trying, and I think it would be nice for an American girl like
1:03:00
I to educate an English gentleman like Piggy, as I call Sir Francis Beakman.
1:03:07
So then we went back to the table, and I almost have to
1:03:09
admit that Dorothy is in the right about Piggy, because he really likes to
1:03:14
talk quite a lot, and he is always talking about a friend of his
1:03:17
who was quite a famous king in London called King Edward. So Piggy said
1:03:22
he would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying, and he
1:03:28
would never forget. One time they were all on a yacht and they were
1:03:30
all sitting at a table, and King Edward got up and said, I
1:03:35
don't care what you gentlemen do, I'm going to smoke a cigar. So
1:03:38
then Piggy laughed very very loud. So of course I laughed very very loud,
1:03:45
and I told Piggy he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes.
1:03:49
I mean, you can always tell when to laugh, because Piggy always laughs
1:03:52
first. So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of missus Weeks heard
1:03:58
about me buying the diamond tee and called us up and asked us to their
1:04:01
house to tea. So Dorothy and I went, and we took a gentleman
1:04:05
Dorothy met in the lobby who is very very good looking, but he is
1:04:11
only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job. So
1:04:15
we went to tea to a lady's house called Lady Elmsworth. And what she
1:04:19
has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted an
1:04:25
oil paint, who she said was a whistler. But I told her my
1:04:30
own father was a whistler and used to whistle all of the time, and
1:04:33
I did not even have a picture of him. But every time he used
1:04:38
to go to Little Rock, I asked him to go to the photographers,
1:04:41
but he did not go. So then we met a lady called Lady Chiselbee
1:04:45
that wanted us to go to her house to tea, but we told her
1:04:49
that we really did not want to buy anything, but she said that she
1:04:54
did not have anything to sell, but she wanted to borrow five pounds,
1:04:59
so we did not go. And I'm really glad that mister Eisman did not
1:05:02
come to London as all the English ladies would ask him to tea and he
1:05:06
would have a whole shipload of shell flowers and dogs and antique pictures that do
1:05:12
nobody any good. So last night, Piggy and I and Dorothy and the
1:05:16
dancer who is called Gerald went to the Kitcat Club as Gerald had nothing better
1:05:23
to do because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had
1:05:27
quite a little quarrel because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot
1:05:30
of time going with any gentleman who is out of a job. But Dorothy
1:05:35
is always getting to really like somebody, and she will never learn how to
1:05:39
act. I mean, I always seem to think that when a girl really
1:05:43
enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no
1:05:46
real good can come of it. Well, tonight is going to be quite
1:05:51
a night because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to a dance
1:05:55
at a lady's house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I
1:06:00
must get ready to see Piggy because he and I seem to be getting to
1:06:03
be quite good friends, even if he has not sent me any flowers yet.
1:06:10
April nineteenth. Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I
1:06:15
mean Major Falcon called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a
1:06:19
lady's house where the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is
1:06:25
really wonderful. I mean even if he was not a prince, he would
1:06:29
be wonderful because even if he was not a prince, he would be able
1:06:32
to make his living plain the ukulele if he had a little more practice.
1:06:39
So the lady came up to me and told me that the Prince of Wales
1:06:42
would like to meet me. So she gave us an introduction to one another.
1:06:46
And I was very very thrilled when he asked me for a dance.
1:06:50
So I decided I would write down every word he said to me in my
1:06:55
diary so I could always go back and read it over and over when I
1:07:00
I am really old. So then we started to dance, and I asked
1:07:03
him if he was still able to be fond of horses, and he said
1:07:08
he was so after our dance was all over, he asked Dorothy for a
1:07:13
dance. But Dorothy will never learn how to act in front of a prince,
1:07:16
because she handed me her fan, and she said, hold this while
1:07:20
I slip a new page into English history, right in front of the Prince
1:07:26
of Wales. So I was very, very worried while Dorothy was dancing with
1:07:30
the Prince of Wales, because she talked to the Prince of Wales all the
1:07:34
time, and when she got through, the Prince of Wales wrote some of
1:07:38
the slang words she is always saying on his cuff. So if he tells
1:07:44
the Queen someday to be a good elk or some other slang word, Dorothy
1:07:47
is always saying, the Queen will really blame me for bringing such a girl
1:07:53
into English society. So when Dorothy came back, we had quite a little
1:07:58
quarrel because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales, I was
1:08:02
becoming too English. But really, I mean to say, I often remember
1:08:08
Popa back in Arkansas, and he often used to say that his grandpa came
1:08:13
from a place in England called Australia. So really, I mean to say,
1:08:17
it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes,
1:08:21
because if a girl seems to have an English accent, I really think
1:08:26
it is quite jolly. April twentieth yesterday afternoon. I really thought I ought
1:08:32
to begin to educate Piggy how to act with a girl like American gentleman act
1:08:38
with a girl. So I asked him to come up to have tea in
1:08:41
our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean,
1:08:45
I really look quite cute in my pink neglige. So I sent out
1:08:49
a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who was quite a nice boy,
1:08:54
who is called Harry, and who we talked to quite a lot. So
1:08:58
I gave Harry ten pounds of English money, and I told him to go
1:09:01
to the most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for ten
1:09:06
pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past five,
1:09:12
and not to say a word, but to say they were for me.
1:09:16
So Piggy came to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in,
1:09:20
and he did not say a word, but he gave me a quite large
1:09:24
box and he said it was for me. So I opened the box,
1:09:29
and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful orchids. So I looked
1:09:34
for a card, but of course there was no card, so I grabbed
1:09:40
Piggy and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug because
1:09:44
it must have been him. But he said it was not him, But
1:09:48
I said it must be him, because I said that there was only one
1:09:51
gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart
1:09:57
to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it
1:10:01
was not him, but I said I knew it was him because there was
1:10:05
not a gentleman in London so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous
1:10:12
gentleman to send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I
1:10:16
really had to apologize for giving him such a large hug. But I told
1:10:20
him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to
1:10:24
send me one dozen orchids every day, I became so impulsive I could not
1:10:29
help it. So then Dorothy and Gerald came in, and I told them
1:10:33
all about what a wonderful gentleman Piggy turned out to be. And I told
1:10:38
them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day, he really
1:10:42
reminded me of a prince. So Piggy blushed quite a lot, and he
1:10:46
was really very very pleased, and he did not say anymore that it was
1:10:51
not him. So then I started to make a fuss over him, and
1:10:56
I told him he would have to look out because he was really so good
1:10:59
looking. And I was so full of impulses that I might even lose my
1:11:03
mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggy really felt very very
1:11:09
good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he could not help blushing
1:11:13
all the time, and he could not help grinning all the time from one
1:11:16
ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner, and then he
1:11:21
and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had
1:11:27
quite a little quarrel after they went, because Dorothy asked me which one of
1:11:30
the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not
1:11:34
so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who was only a
1:11:40
ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald was a gentleman
1:11:45
because he wrote her a note and it had a crest, so I told
1:11:49
her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed.
1:11:54
So this morning, Harry, the boyfriend of ours who is the bell hop,
1:11:59
waked me up at ten o'clock because he had a box of one dozen
1:12:01
orchids from Piggy. So by the time Piggy pays for a few dozen orchids,
1:12:08
the diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always
1:12:12
think that spending money is only just a habit, and if you get a
1:12:15
gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time, he really gets very
1:12:20
good habits. April twenty first, well, yesterday afternoon, I took Piggy
1:12:28
shopping on a street called Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelry
1:12:32
store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I
1:12:36
had to have a picture of him to go in it. Because I told
1:12:41
Piggy that when a girl gets to know such a good looking gentleman as him,
1:12:45
she really wants to have a picture of him on her dressing table where
1:12:48
she can look at it a lot. So Piggy became quite intrigued, so
1:12:54
we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that
1:12:58
I really did not think a soil over picture frame was good enough for a
1:13:00
picture of him, because I forgot they had gold picture frames until I saw
1:13:05
them. So then we started to look at the gold picture frames. So
1:13:11
then it came out that his picture was taken in his uniform. So I
1:13:15
said, he must be so good looking in his uniform that I really did
1:13:18
not think even the gold picture frames were good enough. But they did not
1:13:23
have any platinum picture frames, so we had to buy the best one we
1:13:27
could. So then I asked him if he could put on his uniform tomorrow
1:13:31
because I would love to see him in his uniform and we could go to
1:13:35
tea at missus weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite
1:13:41
a lot, and he said that he would. So then I said that
1:13:45
poor little I would really look like nothing at all to be going out with
1:13:48
him in his gorgeous uniform. So then we started to look at some bracelets,
1:13:55
but a lady friend of his, who is quite friendly with his wife
1:13:58
who is in their country house in the country, came into the store,
1:14:02
so Piggy became quite nervous to be caught in a jewelry store where he has
1:14:05
not been for years. And years, so we had to go out.
1:14:11
This morning. Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after tomorrow they
1:14:15
are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to people for charity. So
1:14:19
he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones who sell things
1:14:23
to people for charity. So we said we would. So now I must
1:14:28
telephone Missus Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beakman to tea tomorrow.
1:14:32
And I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggy
1:14:36
would not tell so many stories. I mean, I do not mind a
1:14:41
gentleman when he tells a great many stories if they are new, but a
1:14:45
gentleman who tells a great many stories and they are all the same stories is
1:14:49
quite enervating. I mean, London is really so uneducational that all I seem
1:14:56
to be learning is some of Piggy's stories, and I even want to forget
1:15:00
them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with London. April
1:15:05
twenty second, yesterday Piggy came in his uniform, but he was really quite
1:15:11
upset because he had a letter. I mean, his wife is coming to
1:15:15
London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made
1:15:19
over, as she has a girl who does it very, very cheap.
1:15:24
So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the jewelry
1:15:27
store because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted
1:15:31
to cheer Piggy up, so I told him that I did not think the
1:15:35
lady saw us, and if she did see us, she really could not
1:15:40
believe her eyes to see him in a jewelry store. But I did not
1:15:44
tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris soon,
1:15:47
because after all, Piggy's society is beginning to tell on a girl's nerves.
1:15:53
But I really made Piggy feel quite good about his uniform because I told
1:15:58
him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So
1:16:01
then I told him that even if his wife was in London, we could
1:16:05
still be friends because I could not help but admire him even if his wife
1:16:11
was in London. And I told him I really thought a thing like that
1:16:15
was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at
1:16:19
missus weeks. So Piggy arranged with Missus weeks to pay her for the diamond
1:16:24
Tiara, and she nearly fell dead, but she will keep it a secret
1:16:29
because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond Tiara,
1:16:34
and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best.
1:16:40
But I promised Piggy that I would always stay in London and we would always
1:16:45
be friendly, because Piggy always says that I am the only one who admires
1:16:49
him for what he really is. April twenty fifth, Well, we were
1:16:56
so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my mind
1:17:00
my diary. Because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite
1:17:02
a small ship to be sailing to Paris, and we will be at Paris
1:17:06
this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris
1:17:11
as it does to come to London. I mean, it seems quite unusual
1:17:15
to think that it takes six days to come to London and only one day
1:17:18
to come to Paris. So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want
1:17:25
to come, as she is madly in love with Gerald, and Gerald said
1:17:29
that we really ought not to leave London without going to see England while we
1:17:31
happen to be here. But I told him that if England was the same
1:17:36
kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know too much
1:17:41
to bother with such a place. I mean, we had quite a little
1:17:45
quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy. So
1:17:49
I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a person. So Dorothy had
1:17:54
to come with me because mister Eisman is paying her expenses because he wants Dorothy
1:17:59
to be my chephone. So the last thing in London was the garden party.
1:18:04
I sold quite a lot of red balloons, and I sold a red
1:18:08
balloon to Harry Louder, the famous Scotch gentleman, who is the famous Scotch
1:18:12
tenor, for twenty pounds. So Dorothy said, I did not need to
1:18:15
buy any ticket to Paris on the boat, because if I could do that,
1:18:19
I could walk across the channel. So Picky does not know that we
1:18:25
have gone. But I sent him a letter and told him I would see
1:18:28
him sometime again. Sometime, and I was really glad to get out of
1:18:32
our rooms at the Ritz. I mean, fifty or sixty orchids really make
1:18:36
a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled mister Eisman and I told
1:18:42
him we could not learn anything in London because we knew too much. So
1:18:46
if we went to Paris, at least we could learn French, if we
1:18:50
made up our mind to it. So I'm really very very intrigued, as
1:18:56
I have heard so much about Paris, and I feel that it must be
1:19:00
much more educational than London. And I can hardly wait to see the Ritz
1:19:03
Hotel in Paris. Paris is divine. April twenty seventh. Paris is divine,
1:19:14
I mean, Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday and it really is
1:19:17
divine because the French are divine. Because when we are coming off the boat
1:19:23
and we are coming through the customs, it was quite hot, and it
1:19:27
seemed to smell quite a lot, and all the French gentlemen in the customs
1:19:30
were squealing quite a lot. So I looked around and I picked out a
1:19:35
French gentleman who was really in a very gorgeous uniform, and he seemed to
1:19:41
be a very very important gentleman. And I gave him twenty francs worth of
1:19:45
French money, and he was very very gallant, and he knocked everybody else
1:19:49
down and took our bags right through the custom because I really think the twenty
1:19:55
francs is quite cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least one hundred
1:19:59
dollars worth of go old braid on his coat alone, to speak nothing of
1:20:02
his trousers. I mean, the French gentleman always seemed to be squealing quite
1:20:08
a lot, especially taxi drivers when they only get a small size yellow dime
1:20:13
called a fifty sand teams for a tip. But the good thing about French
1:20:17
gentleman is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, you can
1:20:23
always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean,
1:20:27
it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking that it
1:20:31
would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs. So we came to
1:20:35
the Ritz Hotel, and the Ritz Hotel is divine because when a girl can
1:20:41
sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne cocktails and look at all the
1:20:45
important French people in Paris, I think it is divine. I mean,
1:20:50
when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly Sisters, and Pearl
1:20:55
White and Maybell Gillem Corey and Missus Nash. It is beyond whirl because when
1:21:00
a girl looks at Missus Nash and realizes what Missus Nash has got out of
1:21:04
gentlemen, it really makes a girl hold her breath. And when a girl
1:21:10
walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the famous historical names,
1:21:15
it really makes you hold your breath. Because when Dorothy and I went
1:21:18
on a walk, we only walked a few blocks, but in only a
1:21:21
few blocks we read all of the famous historical names like Cody and Cardier,
1:21:28
and I knew we were seeing something educational at last, and our whole trip
1:21:32
was not a failure. I mean, I really try to make Dorothy get
1:21:36
educated and have reverence. So when we stood at the corner of a place
1:21:42
called the Place van Dome, if you turn your back on a monument they
1:21:45
have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Cody's
1:21:49
sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a
1:21:55
thrill to realize that that is the historical spot where mister Cody makes all the
1:22:00
perfume. So then Dorothy said that she supposed mister Cody came to Paris and
1:22:04
he smelled Paris and he realized that something had to be done. So Dorothy
1:22:11
will really never have any reference. So then we saw a jewelry store,
1:22:15
and we saw some jewelry in the window, and it really seemed to be
1:22:19
a very, very great bargain. But the price marks all had franks on
1:22:24
them, and Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell
1:22:28
how much Frank's is in money, So we went in and asked, and
1:22:32
it seems it was only twenty dollars. And it seems it is not diamonds.
1:22:36
But it is a thing called paste, which is the name of a
1:22:41
word which means imitations. So Dorothy said, paste is the name of the
1:22:45
word a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I
1:22:50
mean, I would really be embarrassed. But the gentlemen did not seem to
1:22:54
understand Dorothy's English. So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a
1:22:59
girl could not tell that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean,
1:23:02
a gentleman could deceive a girl because he could give her a present and it
1:23:06
would only be worth twenty dollars. So when mister Eisman comes to Paris next
1:23:13
week, if he wants to make me a present, I will make him
1:23:15
take me along with him, because he really is quite an in veteran bargain
1:23:20
hunter at heart. So the gentleman at the jewelry store said that quite a
1:23:25
lot of famous girls in Paris had imitations of all their jewelry, and they
1:23:29
put the jewelry in the safe, and they really wore the imitations so they
1:23:33
could wear it and have a good time. But I told him I thought
1:23:39
that any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a
1:23:42
good time that she did not remember to hang on to her jewelry. So
1:23:47
then we went back to the Ritz and unpacked our trunks with the aid of
1:23:51
a really delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon, and who is
1:23:56
called Leon, and who speaks English almost like American, and who Dorothy and
1:24:01
I talked to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought not to
1:24:05
stay around the Rits all of the time, but we really ought to see
1:24:10
Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some
1:24:15
gentleman to show us Paris. So in a couple of minutes she called up
1:24:19
on the telephone from the lobby and she said, I have got a French
1:24:23
bird down here, who is a French title nobleman who is called a viscount.
1:24:28
So come on down. So I said, how did a frenchman get
1:24:32
into the Rits? So Dorothy said, he came in to get out of
1:24:36
the rain, and he has not noticed that it is stopped. So I
1:24:41
said, I suppose you have picked up something without taxi fare as usual.
1:24:45
Why did you not get an American gentleman who always have money. So Dorothy
1:24:50
said, she thought a French gentleman had ought to know Paris better. So
1:24:55
I said, he does not even know it is not raining. But I
1:25:00
went down. So the Vicount was really delightful after all. So then we
1:25:05
rode around and we saw Paris and we saw how divine it really is.
1:25:11
I mean, the Eiffel Tower is divine, and it is much more educational
1:25:15
than the London Tower because you cannot even see the London Tower if you happen
1:25:19
to be two blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eiffel Tower,
1:25:25
she really knows she is looking at something and it would even be very
1:25:30
difficult not to notice the Eiffel Tower. So then we went to a place
1:25:34
called the Madrid to Tea and it really was divine. I mean we saw
1:25:40
the Dolly sisters and Pearl White and Missus Corey and Missus Nash all over again.
1:25:45
Then we went to dinner, and then we went to Momart, and
1:25:49
it really was divine because we saw them all over again. I mean in
1:25:55
Momart they have genuine American jazz bands and quite a lot of New York people
1:26:00
which we knew, and you really would think you were in New York,
1:26:03
and it was divine. So we came back to the Ritz quite late.
1:26:09
So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that when we
1:26:13
were looking at Paris, I asked the French vicount what was the name of
1:26:16
the unknown soldier who is buried under quite a large monument. So I said,
1:26:21
I really did not mean to ask him, if I did, because
1:26:26
what I did mean to ask him was what was the name of his mother?
1:26:30
Because it is always the mother of a dead soldier that I always seemed
1:26:33
to think about more than the dead soldier that has died. So the French
1:26:40
vicount is going to call up in the morning, but I am not going
1:26:43
to see him again, because French gentlemen are really quite deceiving. I mean,
1:26:48
they take you to quite cute places, and they make you feel quite
1:26:51
good about yourself, and you really seem to have a delightful time, But
1:26:56
when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have
1:26:59
got is a fan that only costs twenty francs and a doll that they gave
1:27:03
you away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean, a girl has to
1:27:08
look out in Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris
1:27:12
that she would not get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are
1:27:16
the best after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very
1:27:21
good, but a diamond and a sapphire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I
1:27:28
do not think that I ought to go out with any gentleman in Paris,
1:27:31
because mister Eisman will be here next week and he told me that the only
1:27:35
kind of gentleman he wants me to go out with are intellectual gentlemen who are
1:27:40
good for a girl's brains. So I really do not seem to see many
1:27:45
gentlemen around the ritz who seem to look like they would be good for a
1:27:47
girl's brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping, and I suppose
1:27:53
it would really be too much to expect to find a gentleman who would look
1:27:57
to mister Eisman like he was good for girl's brains and at the same time
1:28:01
he would like to take us shopping. April twenty ninth, yesterday was quite
1:28:09
a day. I mean, Dorothy and I were getting ready to go shopping
1:28:13
and the telephone rang and they said that Lady Francis Beakman was downstairs and she
1:28:17
wanted to come upstairs. So I was really quite surprised. I mean,
1:28:23
I did not know what to say, so I said, all right,
1:28:27
So then I told Dorothy and then we put our brains together. Because it
1:28:30
seems that Lady Francis Beakman is the wife of the gentleman called Sir Francis Beakman,
1:28:36
who was the admirer of mine in London, who seemed to admire me
1:28:41
so much that he asked me if he could make me a present of a
1:28:45
diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard about it,
1:28:49
and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from London
1:28:53
about it. So there was a very very loud knock at the door,
1:28:58
so we asked her to come in. So Lady Francis Beakman came in,
1:29:02
and she is a quite large sized lady who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite
1:29:08
a lot. I mean, Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beakman resembles Bill Hart
1:29:13
quite a lot. Only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart's horse.
1:29:17
So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back
1:29:20
the diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss and she would
1:29:25
ruin my reputation because she said that something really must be wrong about the whole
1:29:30
thing, because it seems that Sir Francis Beakman and she have been married for
1:29:34
thirty five years and the last present he gave to her was a wedding ring.
1:29:41
So Dorothy spoke up and she said, lady, you could no more
1:29:45
ruin my girlfriend's reputation than you could sink the Jewish fleet. I mean,
1:29:49
I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up for my reputation,
1:29:54
because I really think that there is nothing so wonderful as two girls when they
1:29:58
stand up for each other and help each other a lot. Because no matter
1:30:02
how vigorous Lady Francis Beakman seems to be, she had to realize that she
1:30:08
could not sink a whole fleet full of ships, so she had to stop
1:30:12
talking against my reputation. So then she said she would drag it into the
1:30:16
court and she would say that it was undue influence. So I said to
1:30:21
her, if you wear that hat into a court, we will see if
1:30:26
the judge thinks it took an undue influence to make Sir Francis Beakman look at
1:30:30
a girl. So then Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, my girlfriend
1:30:35
is right, lady, you have got to be the Queen of England to
1:30:39
get away with a hat like that. So Lady Francis Beakman seemed to get
1:30:44
quite angry, so then she said she would send for Sir Francis Beakman,
1:30:47
where he suddenly went to Scotland to go hunting when he found out that Lady
1:30:53
Francis Beakman had found out. So Dorothy said, do you mean that you
1:30:58
have left Sir Francis Beakman loose with all those spendthrifts down in Scotland. So
1:31:02
Dorothy said she would better look out, or he would get together with the
1:31:06
boys some night and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean, I always encourage
1:31:12
Dorothy to talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady
1:31:15
Francis Beakman, because Dorothy speaks their own language to unrefined people better than a
1:31:21
refined girl like I. So Dorothy said, you had better not send for
1:31:27
Sir Francis Beakman, because if my girlfriend really wanted to turn loose on Sir
1:31:31
Francis Beakman, all he would have left would be his title. So then
1:31:36
I spoke right up and said, yes, that I was an American girl,
1:31:41
and we American girls do not care about a title, because we American
1:31:45
girls always say that what is good enough for Washington is good enough for us.
1:31:50
So Lady Francis Beakman really seemed to get more angry and more angry all
1:31:56
of the time. So then she said that if it was necessary, she
1:32:00
would tell the judge that Sir Francis Beakman went out of his mind when he
1:32:03
gave it to me. So Dorothy said, lady, if you go into
1:32:08
a court and if the judge gets a good look at you, he will
1:32:12
think that Sir Francis Beakman was out of his mind thirty five years ago.
1:32:16
So then Lady Francis Beakman said she knew what kind of a person she had
1:32:20
to deal with, and she would not deal with any such a person because
1:32:25
she said it hurt her dignity. So Dorothy said, lady, if we
1:32:30
hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight, I hope for your sake you
1:32:33
are a Christian science. So that seemed to make Lady Francis Beakman angry,
1:32:40
so she said she would turn it all over to her solicitor. So when
1:32:44
she went out, she tripped over quite a long train which she had on
1:32:47
her skirt and nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the door,
1:32:53
and Dorothy called down the hall and said, take a tuck in that skirt,
1:32:57
Isabelle. It's nineteen twenty five. So I really felt quite depressed,
1:33:02
because I felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined, just because
1:33:08
we had to mix with such an unrefined lady as Lady Francis Beakman April thirtieth.
1:33:15
So sure enough, yesterday morning Lady Francis Beakman's solicitor came. Only he
1:33:20
really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card, and
1:33:26
it seems his name is Mons Brossarde, and it seems that he is an
1:33:30
advocate, because an advocate is a lawyer in the French language. So Dorothy
1:33:35
and I were getting dressed and we were in our negligee as usual, when
1:33:41
there was quite a loud knock on the door, and before we could even
1:33:44
say come in, he jumped right into the room. So it seems that
1:33:48
he is of French extraction. I mean, Lady Francis Beakman's solicitor can really
1:33:54
squeal, just like a taxi driver. I mean, he was squealing quite
1:33:58
loud when he jumped into the room, and he kept right on squealing.
1:34:02
So Dorothy and I rushed into the parlor and Dorothy looked at him, and
1:34:06
Dorothy said, this town has got to stop playing jokes on us every morning,
1:34:12
because our nerves could not stand it. So Mons Brosard handed us his
1:34:16
card and he squealed and squealed, and he really waved his arm in the
1:34:21
air quite a lot, so Dorothy said, he gives quite a good imitation
1:34:26
of the Moulin rouge, which is really a red windmill. Only Dorothy said,
1:34:30
he makes more noise and he runs on his own wind. So we
1:34:34
stood and watched him for quite a long time. But he seemed to get
1:34:39
quite monotonous after quite a long while, because he was always talking in French,
1:34:44
which really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said, let's see if
1:34:48
twenty five francs will stop him, because if five franks will stop a taxi
1:34:53
driver, twenty five francs not to stop an advocate because he was making about
1:34:58
five times as much noise as attack X driver, and five times five is
1:35:01
twenty five. So as soon as he heard us start in to talk about
1:35:06
franks, he seemed to calm down quite a little. So Dorothy got out
1:35:11
her pocket book and she gave him twenty five francs. So then he stopped
1:35:15
squealing and he put it in his pocket. And then he got out quite
1:35:19
a large size handkerchief with purple elephants on it, and he started in to
1:35:24
cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged, and she said, look here,
1:35:30
look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning. But if
1:35:33
you keep that up much longer, wet or dry out you go. So
1:35:39
then he started into pointing at the telephone, and he seemed to want to
1:35:44
use the telephone, and Dorothy said, if you think you can get a
1:35:47
number over that thing, go to it. But as far as we have
1:35:50
found out, it is a wall bracket. So then he started in to
1:35:56
telephone, so Dorothy and I went about our business to get dressed. So
1:36:00
when he finished telephoning, he kept running to my door, and then he
1:36:04
kept running to Dorothy's door, and he kept on crying and talking a lot,
1:36:10
but he seemed to have lost all of his novelty to us, so
1:36:13
we paid no more attention to him. So finally there was another loud knock
1:36:17
on the door, so we heard him rush to the door, so we
1:36:20
both went into the parlor to see what it was, and it really was
1:36:25
a sight because it was another Frenchman. So the new Frenchman rushed in and
1:36:30
he yelled Papa and he kissed him. So it seems that it was his
1:36:34
son, because his son is really his papa's partner in the advocate business.
1:36:41
So then his papa talked quite a lot, and then he pointed at I
1:36:44
and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us, and then his son
1:36:47
let out quite a large size squeal, and he said in French, may
1:36:53
papa ele saut charmant. So it seems he was telling his papa in French
1:36:59
that we were really charming. So then Mons Brosarde stopped crying and put on
1:37:03
his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put
1:37:09
up the window shade so his papa could get a better look at us.
1:37:14
And when his papa had finished looking at us, he really became delighted.
1:37:18
So he became all smiles, and he pinched our cheeks, and he kept
1:37:23
saying charmont all of the time, because charmond means charming in the French language.
1:37:30
So then his son broke out into English, and he really speaks English
1:37:33
as good as an American. So then he told us his papa telephoned for
1:37:39
him to come over because we did not seem to understand what his papa was
1:37:43
saying to us. So it seems that Mons Brossard had been talking to us
1:37:47
in English all of the time, but we did not seem to understand his
1:37:50
kind of English. So Dorothy said, if what your papa was talking in
1:37:57
was English, I could get a gold medal for my Greek. So then
1:38:00
his son told his papa, and his papa laughed very very loud, and
1:38:04
he pinched Dorothy's cheek, and he was very delighted, even if the joke
1:38:10
was on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was
1:38:14
saying when he was talking to us in English, and his son said he
1:38:17
was telling us all about his client, Lady Francis Beakman. So then we
1:38:23
asked his son why his papa kept crying. So then his son said,
1:38:28
his papa kept crying because he was thinking about Lady Francis Beakman. So Dorothy
1:38:33
said, if he cries when he thinks about her, what does he do
1:38:36
when he looks at her. So then his son explained to his papa what
1:38:42
Dorothy said. So then Mons Brossard laughed very very loud. So then he
1:38:47
kissed Dorothy's hand. So he said, after that, we would all really
1:38:53
have to have a bottle of champagne. So he went to the telephone and
1:38:57
ordered a bottle of champagne. Then his son said to his papa, why
1:39:01
do I not ask the charming ladies to go out to Fontainebleau today, so
1:39:06
his papa said it would be charming. So then I said, how are
1:39:11
we going to tell you, gentlemen apart, because if it is the same
1:39:14
in Paris as it is in America, you would both seem to be Monsieur
1:39:18
Brossarde. So then we got the idea to call them by their first name.
1:39:25
So it seems that his son's name is Louis. So Dorothy spoke up
1:39:29
and said, I hear that they number all of you Louise over here in
1:39:31
Paris, because the girl is always hearing someone talk about Louis the sixteenth,
1:39:38
who seemed to be in the antique furniture business. I mean, I was
1:39:42
surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical, so she may really be getting educated
1:39:46
in spite of everything. But Dorothy told Louis he need not try to figure
1:39:51
out his number, because she got it the minute she looked at him.
1:39:56
So it seems his papa's name is Robert, which means Robert in French.
1:40:01
So Dorothy started in to think about her twenty five francs, and she said,
1:40:05
to Robert, your mother certainly knew her grammar when she called you that.
1:40:11
So Dorothy said, we might as well go out to Fontaine Blow with
1:40:14
Louie and Robert if Louis would take off his yellow spats that were made out
1:40:17
of yellow chammis skin with pink pearl buttons, because Dorothy said, fun is
1:40:24
fun, but no girl wants to laugh all of the time, so Louis
1:40:29
is really always anxious to please. So he took off his spats. But
1:40:32
when he took off his spats, we saw his socks. And when we
1:40:36
saw his socks, we saw that they were Scotch plaid with small size rainbows
1:40:42
running through them. So Dorothy looked at them a little while, and she
1:40:45
really became quite discouraged, and she said, well, Louis, I think
1:40:50
you had better put your spats back on. So then Leon, our friend
1:40:56
who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of champagne. So while
1:41:00
he was opening the bottle of champagne, Louis and Robert talked together in French
1:41:04
quite a lot. And I really think I had ought to find out what
1:41:08
they said in French because it might be about the diamond tiara, because French
1:41:14
gentlemen are very, very gallant, but I really do not think a girl
1:41:17
can trust one of them around a corner. So when I get a chance,
1:41:21
I am going to ask Leon what they said. So then we went
1:41:26
to Fontainebleau, and then we went to Momart and we got home very late,
1:41:30
and we really had quite a delightful day and night, even if we
1:41:34
did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think we ought
1:41:39
to do more shopping, because shopping really seems to be what Paris is principally
1:41:44
for May first, well, this morning I sent for Leon, who is
1:41:50
Dorothy and my waiter friend, and I asked him what Louis and Robert said
1:41:55
in French. So it seems that they said in French that we seem to
1:42:00
attract them very very much, because they really thought that we were very charming,
1:42:04
and they had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long
1:42:08
time. So it seems that they said they would ask us out a lot,
1:42:13
and that they would charge up all the bills to lady Francis Speakman because
1:42:16
they would watch for their chance and they would steal the diamond tiara. So
1:42:23
then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we
1:42:26
were really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us even
1:42:30
if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens, they
1:42:33
really could not lose, because it seems that Lady Francis Speakman would be glad
1:42:39
to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out
1:42:42
a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady
1:42:45
Francis Speakman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money on
1:42:49
anything else, but she will always spend money on a lawsuit, and she
1:42:55
really would not mind spending the money because it seems that something either I or
1:43:00
Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beakman seemed to make her angry. So then I
1:43:04
decided it was time to do some thinking, and I really thought quite a
1:43:09
lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real diamond tiara
1:43:13
in the safe at the Ritz, and then I would buy an imitation of
1:43:16
a diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are called pasde
1:43:21
So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara lying around so Louis
1:43:27
and Robert could see how careless I seemed to be with it, So then
1:43:30
they would get full of encouragement. So when we go out with Louis and
1:43:35
Robert, I could put it in my handbag and I could take it with
1:43:39
me, so Louis and Robert could always feel that the diamond tiara was within
1:43:44
reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go shopping, and
1:43:47
we could get them to spend quite a lot. And every time they seemed
1:43:51
to get discouraged, I could open my handbag and let them get a glimpse
1:43:56
of the imitation of a diamond tiara, and they would become more couraged,
1:44:00
and then they would spend some more money. Because I even might let them
1:44:04
steal it at the last, because they were really charming gentlemen after all,
1:44:10
and I really would like to help Louis and Robert. I mean, it
1:44:13
would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady Francis Beakman, and
1:44:16
she would have to pay them quite a lot, and then she would find
1:44:20
out it was only made out of paste after all, because Lady Francis Beakman
1:44:25
has never seen the real diamond tiara, and the imitation of a diamond Tiara
1:44:30
would really deceive her, at least until Louis and Robert got all of their
1:44:34
money for all of the hard work they did. I mean, the imitation
1:44:38
of a diamond Tiara would only cost about sixty five dollars, And what is
1:44:43
sixty five dollars? If Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping and get
1:44:46
some delightful presents, that would even seem more delightful when we stopped to realize
1:44:51
that Lady Francis Beakman paid for them. And it would teach Lady Francis Beakman
1:44:57
a lesson not to say what she said to two American girls like I and
1:45:00
Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris and had no gentleman to protect them.
1:45:06
So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked
1:45:11
at me and looked at me, and she really said she thought my brains
1:45:14
were a miracle. I mean, she said my brains reminded her of a
1:45:17
radio, because you listened to it for days and days, and you get
1:45:21
discouraged, and just when you are getting ready to smash it, something comes
1:45:27
out that is a masterpiece. So then Louis called us up. So Dorothy
1:45:31
told him that we thought it would be delightful if he and Robert would take
1:45:34
us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louis asked his papa, and his
1:45:40
papa said they would So then they asked us if we would like to go
1:45:44
see a play called The Foley Bearger tonight. So he said that all of
1:45:47
the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans,
1:45:53
so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bearger. So
1:45:58
we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping
1:46:00
to buy the imitation of a diamond tiara, and we are going out window
1:46:04
shopping to pick out where we would like Louis and Robert to take us shopping
1:46:09
tomorrow. So I really think that everything always works out for the best,
1:46:14
because, after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around until
1:46:17
mister Eisman gets to Paris, and we could not go around with any really
1:46:23
attractive gentleman because mister Eisman only wants me to go out with gentlemen that have
1:46:28
brains. So I said to Dorothy that even if Louis and Robert do not
1:46:31
look so full of brains, we could tell mister Eisman that all we were
1:46:35
learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn
1:46:41
French yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robert's English. So when
1:46:45
Robert talks in front of mister Eisman and I seem to understand what he is
1:46:49
saying, mister Eisman will probably think I know French. May second. So
1:46:58
last night we went to the Foley Bear Jis and it really was divine.
1:47:02
I mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were
1:47:05
in the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louis,
1:47:10
and he said that she was a very very nice girl and that she was
1:47:14
only eighteen years of age. So Dorothy said, she is slipping it over
1:47:18
on you, Louie, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in
1:47:21
only eighteen years? So Louis and Robert really laughed very very loud. I
1:47:29
mean, Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley bearger. But I always think
1:47:32
that when girls are in the nude, it is very artistic, and if
1:47:36
you have artistic thoughts, you think it is beautiful. And I really would
1:47:41
not laugh in an artistic place like the Foley Bearger. So I wore the
1:47:45
imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bearger. I mean it really would
1:47:50
deceive an expert, and Louis and Robert could hardly take their eyes off of
1:47:55
it. But they did not really annoy me because I had it tied on
1:47:59
very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got the diamond
1:48:02
tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot. So we are all
1:48:08
ready to go shopping this morning, and Robert was here bright and early,
1:48:12
and he is in the parlor with Dorothy, and we are waiting for Louie.
1:48:15
So I left the diamond tiara on the table in the parlor so Robert
1:48:19
could see how careless I really am with everything. But Dorothy is keeping her
1:48:25
eye on Robert. So I just heard Louis come in because I heard him
1:48:30
kissing Robert. I mean Louis is always kissing Robert. And Dorothy told Louis
1:48:34
that if he did not stop kissing Robert, people would think that he painted
1:48:39
batiques. So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond
1:48:43
tiara in my handbag so that Louis and Robert will feel that it is always
1:48:46
around and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when
1:48:51
I think of Lady Francis Beakman. May third yesterday was really delightful. I
1:49:00
mean, Louis and Robert bought Dorothy and I some delightful presence. But then
1:49:04
they began to run out of all the franks they had with them, so
1:49:08
they began to get discouraged. But just as soon as they began to get
1:49:12
discouraged, I gave Robert my handbag to hold while I went to the fitting
1:49:15
room to try on a blouse. So he was cheered up quite a lot.
1:49:20
But of course Dorothy stayed with them and kept her eye on Robert,
1:49:24
so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite
1:49:28
a lot to even hold it. So after all their franks were gone,
1:49:31
Robert said he would have to telephone to someone. So I suppose he telephoned
1:49:36
to Lady Francis Beakman, and she must have said all right, because Robert
1:49:41
left us at a place called the Cafe de la Pey because he had to
1:49:45
go on an errand. And when he came back from his errand, he
1:49:48
seemed to have quite a lot more Franks. So then they took us to
1:49:51
luncheon. So after that luncheon we could go out shopping some more. But
1:49:58
I am really learning quite a lot of friends in spite of everything. I
1:50:00
mean, if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon, all you have
1:50:04
to say is petty pay and pulley. I mean, French is really very
1:50:10
easy. For instance, the French use the word chich for everything, while
1:50:15
we only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolph Valentino.
1:50:20
So while we were shopping in the afternoon, I saw Louis get Dorothy
1:50:25
off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I
1:50:29
saw Robert get her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot.
1:50:32
So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they
1:50:36
whispered to her. So it seems when Louis whispered to Dorothy, Louis told
1:50:41
Dorothy that if she would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to
1:50:45
him and not let his papa know, he would give her one thousand francs.
1:50:49
Because it seems that lady Francis Beakman has got her heart set on it,
1:50:54
and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry.
1:50:58
And when she gets really angry, as she is, she is only
1:51:01
a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his papa
1:51:06
would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself.
1:51:11
So it seems that later on, when Robert was whispering to Dorothy, he
1:51:15
was making her the same proposition for two thousand francs, so that Louis would
1:51:19
not find out and Robert could keep all the money for himself. So I
1:51:25
really think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for herself,
1:51:29
because it might make Dorothy get some ambitions. So tomorrow morning, Dorothy is
1:51:33
going to take the diamond Tiara and she is going to tell Louie that she
1:51:38
stole it, and she is going to sell it to Louie, but she
1:51:41
will make him hand over the money first. And then just as she is
1:51:45
going to hand over the diamond Tiara, I am going to walk in on
1:51:48
them and say, oh, there is my diamond Tiara. I have been
1:51:54
looking for it everywhere, so then I will get it back. So then
1:51:59
she will tell him that she might just as well keep the one thousand francs
1:52:02
because she will steal it for him again in the afternoon. So in the
1:52:06
afternoon she is going to sell it to Robert. And I really think we
1:52:11
will let Robert keep it, because I am quite fond of Robert. I
1:52:15
mean, he is quite a sweet old gentleman, and it is really refreshing
1:52:18
the way he and his son love one another, because even if it is
1:52:23
unusual for an American to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I
1:52:28
really think it is refreshing. And I think that we Americans would be better
1:52:31
off if we American fathers and sons would love one another more like Louis and
1:52:36
Robert. So, Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful handbags and
1:52:42
stockings and handkerchiefs and scarves and things, and some quite cute models of evening
1:52:47
gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds. Only they do not call
1:52:51
them paste when they are on a dress, but they call them dia montes.
1:52:57
And I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all
1:53:00
over with dia monte. May fifth so yesterday morning, Dorothy sold the imitation
1:53:08
of a diamond tiara to Louis, so then we got it back. So
1:53:12
in the afternoon we all went out to Versailles. I mean, Louis and
1:53:15
Robert were quite delighted not to go shopping anymore. So I suppose that Lady
1:53:20
Francis Beakman really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I
1:53:26
took Louis for a walk at Versailles so that Dorothy would have a chance to
1:53:30
sell it to Robert. So then she sold it to Robert, so then
1:53:33
he put it in his pocket. But when we were coming home, I
1:53:38
got to thinking things over, and I really got to thinking that an imitation
1:53:42
of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to have, after all,
1:53:45
I mean, especially if a girl does go around a lot in Paris with
1:53:49
admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really do
1:53:54
not think a girl ought to encourage Robert to steal something from two American girls
1:53:59
who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to protect them. So
1:54:03
I asked Dorothy which pocket Robert put it in. So I sat next to
1:54:08
him in the automobile coming home and I took it out. So we were
1:54:13
in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robert put his hand in his pocket
1:54:16
and then he started to squeal once more, so it seems he had lost
1:54:21
something. So he and Louis had one of their regular squealing and shoulder shrugging
1:54:27
matches. But Louis told his papa that he did not steal it out of
1:54:30
his papa's pocket. But then Robert started to cry to think that his son
1:54:34
would steal something out of his own papa's pocket. So after Dorothy and I
1:54:40
had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it.
1:54:44
I mean, I really felt sorry for Robert, so I told him not
1:54:47
to cry any more, because it was nothing but paste after all. So
1:54:51
then I showed it to them. So then Louis and Robert looked at Dorothy
1:54:56
and I and they really held their breath. I I supposed that most of
1:55:00
the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls. So
1:55:05
after it was all over, Louis and Robert seemed to be so depressed that
1:55:11
I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea, so I
1:55:15
told them that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry
1:55:17
store, and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to
1:55:23
Lady Francis Beakman, and they could get the man in the jewelry store to
1:55:27
put on the bill that it was a handbag, and they could charge the
1:55:30
bill to Lady Francis Beakman along with the other expenses, because Lady Francis Beakman
1:55:35
had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up, and
1:55:41
Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beakman would know about diamonds, you
1:55:45
could nick off a piece of ice and give it to her, only it
1:55:48
would melt. So then Robert looked at me and looked at me, and
1:55:53
he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that was really
1:55:57
full of reverence. We had quite a delightful evening, I mean, because
1:56:01
we all seemed to understand one another, because, after all, Dorothy and
1:56:06
I could really have a platonic friendship with gentlemen like Louis and Robert. I
1:56:12
mean, there seems to be something common between us, especially when we all
1:56:15
get to thinking about Lady Francis Beakman. So they are going to charge Lady
1:56:20
Francis Beakman quite a lot of money when they give her the imitation of a
1:56:24
diamond Tiara. And I told Robert if she seems to complain, to ask
1:56:29
her if she knew that Sir Francis Beakman sent me ten pounds worth of orchids
1:56:33
every day while we were in London, so that would make her so angry
1:56:38
that she would be glad to pay almost anything to get the diamond Tiara.
1:56:43
So when Lady Francis Beakman pays them all the money, Louis and Robert are
1:56:46
going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when mister
1:56:50
Eisman gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make mister Eisman
1:56:55
give Louis and Robert a dinner and their honor at Ciros because of all the
1:57:00
way they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and
1:57:03
could not even speak the French language. So Louis and Robert asked us to
1:57:09
come to a party at their sister's house today, but Dorothy says we had
1:57:13
better not go because it is reigning and we both have brand new umbrellas that
1:57:17
are quite cute, and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand
1:57:21
new umbrella in a French ladies hall. And it is no fun to hang
1:57:26
on to an umbrella all the time you are at a party. So we
1:57:30
had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we called up
1:57:33
Louis and told him we had a headache. But we thanked him for all
1:57:38
his hospitality, because it is the way all the French people like Louis and
1:57:43
Robert are so hospitable to we Americans. That really makes Paris so divine the
1:57:49
central of Europe. May sixteenth. I really have not written in my diary
1:57:55
for quite a long time because mister Eisman arrived in Paris. And when mister
1:58:00
Eisman is in Paris, we really do not seem to do practically anything else
1:58:04
but the same thing. I mean, we go shopping, and we go
1:58:09
to a show, and we go to momart, and when a girl is
1:58:12
always going with mister Eisman, nothing practically happens. And I did not even
1:58:17
bother to learn any more French, because I always seemed to think it is
1:58:21
better to leave French to those that cannot do anything else but talk French.
1:58:27
So finally, mister Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot of interest in all
1:58:30
of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale
1:58:34
quite cheaply in Vienna. And as mister Eisman is in the button profession,
1:58:40
he thought it would be quite a good thing to have a button factory in
1:58:43
Vienna. So he went to Vienna, and he said he did not care
1:58:46
if he did not ever see the Rue de la Pey again. So he
1:58:50
said, if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl's brains, he
1:58:54
would send for Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn
1:58:58
something, because mister Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything else,
1:59:03
especially shopping. So now we have a telegram, and mister Eisman says
1:59:09
in the telegram for Dorothy and I to take an Oriental express because we really
1:59:14
ought to see the central of Europe, because we American girls have quite a
1:59:17
lot to learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says, if mister
1:59:21
Eisman wants us to see the central of Europe, she bets there is not
1:59:26
a Rue de la pay in the whole central of Europe. So Dorothy and
1:59:30
I are going to take an Oriental Express tomorrow, and I really think it
1:59:33
is quite unusual for two American girls like I and Dorothy to take an Oriental
1:59:39
Express all alone, because it seems that in the central of Europe they talk
1:59:43
some other kinds of languages which we do not understand besides French. But I
1:59:48
always think that there is nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls
1:59:53
like I and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the central
1:59:58
of Europe to get educated. May seventeenth. So now we are on an
2:00:03
Oriental Express, and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean, Dorothy
2:00:09
and I got up this morning and we looked out of the window of our
2:00:12
compartment, and it was really quite unusual because it was farms, and we
2:00:16
saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting small size haystacks on
2:00:21
too large size haystacks while their husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite
2:00:26
a shady tree and drink beer, or else their husband seemed to sit on
2:00:30
a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy and I looked
2:00:34
at two girls who seemed to be plowing up all of the ground with only
2:00:39
the aid of a cow, and Dorothy said, I think we girls have
2:00:43
gone one step too far away from New York because it begins to look to
2:00:46
me as if the central of Europe is no country for we girls. So
2:00:50
we both became quite worried. I mean I became quite depressed because if this
2:00:56
is what mister Eisman thinks we American girls ought to learn, I really think
2:01:00
it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any
2:01:04
gentleman who have been born and raised in the central of Europe. I mean,
2:01:09
the more I travel and the more I seem to see other gentlemen,
2:01:13
the more I seem to think of American gentleman. So now I am going
2:01:16
to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American gentleman
2:01:21
and hold a conversation because I really feel so depressed. I mean, Dorothy
2:01:27
keeps trying to depress me because she keeps saying that I will probably end up
2:01:31
in a farm in the central of Europe doing a sister act with a plow.
2:01:35
Because Dorothy's jokes are really very unrefined, and I think that I will
2:01:40
feel much better if I go to the dining car and have some luncheon.
2:01:45
Well, I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was
2:01:47
quite a delightful American gentleman. I mean, it was quite a coincidence because
2:01:53
we girls have always heard about Henry Spofford, and it was really nobody else
2:01:58
but the famous Henry Spofford, who is the famous Spofford family, who is
2:02:02
a very very fine old family who is very very wealthy. I mean,
2:02:08
mister Spofford is one of the most famous families in New York. And he
2:02:12
is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works all of the
2:02:15
time for the good of others. I mean, he is a gentleman who
2:02:18
always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always censuring all
2:02:24
of the plays that are not good for people's morals. And all of we
2:02:28
girls remember the time when he was in the ritz for luncheon and he met
2:02:31
a gentleman friend of his, and the gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins joice to
2:02:35
luncheon, and he introduced Peggy Hopkins choice to mister Spofford, and mister Spofford
2:02:42
turned on his heels and walked away. Because mister Spofford is a very very
2:02:46
famous Presbyterian, and he is really much too Presbyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce.
2:02:54
I mean, it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a
2:02:57
young gentleman as mister Spofford, be so Presbyterian, because when most gentlemen are
2:03:01
thirty five years of age, their minds nearly always seemed to be on something
2:03:06
else. So when I saw no one else but the famous mister Spofford,
2:03:12
I really became quite thrilled, because all of we girls have tried very hard
2:03:15
to have an introduction to Henry Spofford, and it was quite unusual to be
2:03:19
shut up on a train in the central of Europe with him. So I
2:03:24
thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship
2:03:28
with a gentleman like mister Spofford, who really does not even look at a
2:03:31
girl unless she at least looks like a Presbyterian. And I mean, our
2:03:35
family and little Rock were really not so Presbyterian. So I thought I would
2:03:41
sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of
2:03:45
the money, because all of the money they use in the central of Europe
2:03:47
has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they
2:03:51
use in Paris, because it seems to be called cronan's and it seems to
2:03:56
take quite a lot of them, because it takes fifty thousand and of them
2:04:00
to even buy a small sized package of cigarettes. And Dorothy says, if
2:04:03
the cigarettes had tobacco in them, we couldn't lift enough cronans over a counter
2:04:08
to pay for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter
2:04:13
to bring us a bottle of champagne, and we really did not know what
2:04:16
to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one
2:04:19
of the things called a one million cronans, and she would take one of
2:04:24
them called a one million cronans, and I would give him mine first,
2:04:28
and if he gave me quite a dirty look, she would give him hers.
2:04:31
So after we paid for the bottle of champagne, I gave him my
2:04:34
one million cronans, and before we could do anything else, he started in
2:04:39
to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees,
2:04:44
so we finally had to push him right out of the compartment. So one
2:04:48
million cronans seemed to be enough. So I told mister Spofford how we did
2:04:53
not know what to give the porter when he brought us our bottle of mineral
2:04:57
water, so that I asked him to tell me all about all of the
2:05:00
money, because I told him I always seemed to think that a penny earned
2:05:02
was a penny saved, so it really was quite unusual, because mister Spofford
2:05:09
said that that was his favorite motto. So then we got to talking quite
2:05:14
a lot, and I told him that I was traveling to get educated,
2:05:17
and I told him I had a girl with me who I was trying to
2:05:20
reform because I thought if she would put her mind more on getting educated,
2:05:25
she would get more reformed. Because after all, mister Spofford will have to
2:05:30
meet Dorothy sooner or later, and he might wonder what a refined girl like
2:05:33
I was doing with a girl like Dorothy. So mister Spofford really became quite
2:05:40
intrigued, because mister Spofford loves to reform people, and he loves to censure
2:05:45
everything, and he really came over to Europe to look at all the things
2:05:48
that Americans come over to Europe to look at when they really should not look
2:05:51
at them, but they should look at all of the museums instead, because
2:05:56
if that is all we Americans come to Europe to look at, we should
2:06:00
stay home and look at America first. So mister Spofford spends all of his
2:06:04
time looking at things that spoil people's morals. So mister Spofford really must have
2:06:10
very very strong morals, or else all the things that spoil other people's morals
2:06:15
would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil mister Spofford's morals.
2:06:19
And I really think it is wonderful to have such strong morals. So
2:06:24
I told mister Spofford that I thought that civilization is not what it ought to
2:06:28
be, and we really ought to have something else to take its place.
2:06:31
So mister Spofford said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in
2:06:35
our compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over if his mother does
2:06:40
not seem to need him in her compartment, because mister Spofford's mother always travels
2:06:45
with mister Spofford, and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all
2:06:48
about it and asks his mother if he ought to. So he told me
2:06:54
that that is the reason he has never got married, because his mother does
2:06:58
not think that all of the flappers seemed to have nowadays are what a young
2:07:01
man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals as
2:07:05
mister Spofford seems to be full of. So I told mister Spofford that I
2:07:11
really felt just like his mother feels about all of the flappers, because I
2:07:15
am an old fashioned girl. So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite
2:07:19
a lot, because Dorothy is really not so old fashion, and she might
2:07:24
say something in front of mister Spofford that might make mister Spofford wonder what such
2:07:29
an old fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy.
2:07:32
So I told him how I was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy,
2:07:36
and I would like to have him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if
2:07:41
he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time trying to reform a
2:07:45
girl like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So
2:07:48
I really hope that Dorothy will act more reform than she usually acts in front
2:07:54
of mister Spofford. Well, mister Spofford just left our compartment, so he
2:07:59
really came to pay a call on us after all. So mister Spofford told
2:08:03
us all about his mother, and I was really very very intrigued, because
2:08:07
if mister Spofford and I become friendly, he is the kind of gentleman that
2:08:11
always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean, if a girl
2:08:15
gets to know what kind of a mother a gentleman's mother is, like,
2:08:18
she really knows more what kind of a conversation to use on a gentleman's mother
2:08:22
when she meets her, because a girl like I is really always on the
2:08:26
verge of meeting gentlemen's mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really
2:08:33
not the kind of girl that ever meets gentlemen's mother's. So mister Spofford says
2:08:37
his mother has to have him take care of her quite a lot, because
2:08:41
mister Spofford's mother's brains have never really been so strong, because it seems his
2:08:46
mother came from such a very fine old family that even when she was quite
2:08:52
a small sized child, she had to be sent to a school that was
2:08:56
a special school for people of very fine old families who had to have things
2:09:00
very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things very easy
2:09:05
on her brain. So she has a girl who has called her companion,
2:09:07
who goes with her everywhere, who is called Miss Chapman, because mister Spofford
2:09:13
says that there is always something new going on in the world which they did
2:09:18
not get a chance to tell her about at the school. So now Miss
2:09:22
Chapman keeps telling her instead, because how would she know what to think about
2:09:26
such a new thing as a radio, for instance, if she did not
2:09:28
have a Miss Chapman to tell her what it was for instance. So Dorothy
2:09:33
spoke up, and Dorothy said, what a responsibility that girl has got on
2:09:39
her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio was
2:09:43
something to build a fire in and she would get cold some day and stuff
2:09:46
it full of papers and light it. But mister Spofford told Dorothy that Miss
2:09:52
Chapman would never make such a mistake, because he said that Miss Chapman came
2:09:56
from a very very fine old family herself, and she a very fine brain.
2:10:01
So Dorothy said, if she really has got such a fine brain,
2:10:05
I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be
2:10:09
trusted. So mister Spofford and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy,
2:10:15
because Dorothy really does not know how to hold a conversation. So then
2:10:20
I and mister Spofford held a conversation all about morals, and mister Spofford says
2:10:24
he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of mister Blank,
2:10:28
the district attorney, who is now the famous district attorney, who is closing
2:10:33
up all the places in New York where they sell all of the liquor.
2:10:37
So mister Spofford said that a few months ago, when mister Blank decided he
2:10:41
would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he put one
2:10:45
thousand dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now mister Blank says that
2:10:50
everybody else has got to put it down there sink. So Dorothy spoke up,
2:10:54
and Dorothy said, if he poured one thousand dollars worth down his sink
2:10:58
to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good job. When
2:11:03
we pour it down our sink, what do we get. But mister Spofford
2:11:09
is too brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question, so he
2:11:13
gave Dorothy a look that was full of dignity, and he said he would
2:11:16
have to go back to his mother. So I was really quite angry at
2:11:22
Dorothy. So I followed mister Spofford down the hall of the railway train,
2:11:26
and I asked mister Spofford if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of
2:11:30
time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So mister Spofford thinks I am, because
2:11:35
he really thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reference. So I
2:11:39
told mister Spofford I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break
2:11:45
my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes.
2:11:48
So mister Spofford is really very very sympathetic, because when he saw that
2:11:54
I did not have any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried
2:11:58
up all of my tears. So then he said he would help me with
2:12:01
Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more
2:12:07
educational. So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the
2:12:11
train at a place called Munich because it was very full of art, which
2:12:15
they call kunst in Munich, which is very very educational. So he said
2:12:20
he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he
2:12:24
could send his mother right on to Vienna with miss Chapman, because every place
2:12:28
always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going
2:12:33
to get off the train at Munich, and I can send mister Eisman a
2:12:35
telegram when nobody is looking, because I really do not think I will tell
2:12:39
mister Spofford about mister Eisman, because, after all, their religions are different,
2:12:45
and when two gentlemen have such different religions, they do not seem to
2:12:48
have so much to get congenial about. So I can telegraph mister Eisman that
2:12:54
Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look at
2:12:56
all of the art. So that I went back to Dorothy, and I
2:13:01
told Dorothy if she did not have anything to say in the future, to
2:13:05
not say it, because even if mister Spofford is a fine old family,
2:13:09
and even if he is very Presbyterian, I and he could really be friendly
2:13:15
after all and talk together quite a lot. I mean, mister Spofford likes
2:13:18
to talk about himself quite a lot. So I said to Dorothy, it
2:13:22
really shows that after all, he is just like any other gentleman. But
2:13:28
Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. So Dorothy says she thinks
2:13:33
that maybe I might become quite friendly with mister Spofford, and especially with his
2:13:39
mother, because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot in common.
2:13:43
But she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks
2:13:46
I will come to a croper. Because Dorothy saw miss Chapman when she was
2:13:50
at a luncheon, and Dorothy says, Miss Chapman is the kind of a
2:13:54
girl that wears a collar and a tie even when she is not on horseback.
2:13:58
And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon
2:14:03
that really gave her the idea about the iceman. So Dorothy says she thinks
2:14:07
miss Chapman has got three thirds of the brains of that trio of jigens,
2:14:11
because jigens is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people
2:14:16
who are society people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with mister Spofford's
2:14:20
brains ought to spend his time putting Nichols into an electric piano. But I
2:14:26
did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So
2:14:31
now we must get ready to get off the train when the train gets to
2:14:33
Munich, so that we can look at all of the Coonstein Munich, May
2:14:39
nineteenth. Well, yesterday mister Spofford and I and Dorothy got off the train
2:14:45
at Munich to see all the Coonston Munich. But you only call it Munich
2:14:48
when you are on the train, because as soon as you get off of
2:14:52
the train they seem to call it Munchein. So you really would know that
2:14:56
Munchin was full of konst because in every that you would not know it.
2:15:01
They have painted the word Kunst in large sized black letters on everything in Muncheon,
2:15:07
and you cannot even see a boots black stand in Munchein that is not
2:15:11
full of Kunst. So mister Spofford said that we really ought to go to
2:15:15
the theater in Munchen, because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst.
2:15:20
So we looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters with
2:15:24
the aid of quite an intellectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read
2:15:28
it and tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us.
2:15:33
So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchin. So I said,
2:15:37
let us go and see Kiki, because we have seen leonor Ulrich in New
2:15:41
York and we would really know what it was all about, even if they
2:15:45
do not seem to talk the English language. So then we went to the
2:15:48
Kunst Theater. So it seems that Munchen is practically full of Germans, and
2:15:54
the lobby of the Kunst Theater was really full of Germans who stand in the
2:15:58
lobby and think beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlic sausage
2:16:03
and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really
2:16:09
had to ask mister Spofford if he thought we had come to the right theater,
2:16:13
because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean, when
2:16:16
the smell of beer gets to be antique, it gets to smell quite a
2:16:20
lot. But mister Spofford seemed to think that the lobby of the Coon's Theater
2:16:24
did not smell any worse than all of the other places in Munich. So
2:16:30
then Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, you can say what you want
2:16:33
about the Germans being full of coonst, but what they are really full of
2:16:37
is delicatessen. So then we went into the Coon's Theater. But the Coon's
2:16:43
theater does not seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Coon's Theater,
2:16:46
and the Coon's Theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what
2:16:50
tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded, only
2:16:56
you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot
2:17:00
lot of dust. So Dorothy looked around, and Dorothy said, if this
2:17:03
is Koonst, the art center of the world is Union Hill, New Jersey.
2:17:09
So then they started in to playing Kiki, but it seems that it
2:17:13
was not the same kind of Kiki that we have in America, because it
2:17:16
seemed to be all about a family of large sized German people who seemed to
2:17:20
keep getting in each other's ways. I mean, when a stage is completely
2:17:24
full of two or three German people who are quite large size, they really
2:17:28
cannot help it if they seem to get in each other's ways. So then
2:17:33
Dorothy got to talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman
2:17:37
who sat back of her who she thought was applauding, but what he was
2:17:41
really doing was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair.
2:17:46
So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a German
2:17:50
accent. So Dorothy asked him if Keky had come out on the stage yet,
2:17:54
so he said no, but she was really a beautiful German actress who
2:17:58
came clear from Berlin, and he said we should really wait until she came
2:18:03
out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she
2:18:07
came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy's gentleman friend nudged
2:18:13
Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at
2:18:16
her, and Dorothy said, if Schumann Heinka still has a grandmother, we
2:18:22
have dug her up in Muncheon. So we did not bother to see any
2:18:26
more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the
2:18:31
foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kekey do that
2:18:35
famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if
2:18:39
the foundations of that building were as antique as the smell there was going to
2:18:45
be a catastrophe when Keiki hit the floor. So even mister Spofford was quite
2:18:50
discouraged, but he was really glad because he said he was one hundred percent
2:18:54
of an American and it served the Germans right for starting such a war against
2:18:58
all we Americans. May twentieth, well, today, mister Spofford is going
2:19:05
to take me all around to all of the museums in Muncheon, which are
2:19:09
full of coonst that I really ought to look at. But Dorothy said she
2:19:13
had been punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is
2:19:16
going to begin life all over again by going out with her German gentleman friend,
2:19:20
who is going to take her to a house called the Half Brow House,
2:19:24
which is the world's largest size of a beer hall. So Dorothy said,
2:19:30
I could be a high brow and get full of coonst, but she
2:19:33
is satisfying to be a half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy
2:19:37
will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement. May twenty first,
2:19:45
well, mister Spofford and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we
2:19:50
are all going to Vienna. I mean, mister Spofford and I spent one
2:19:54
whole day going through all of the museums in Muncheon. But I am really
2:19:58
not even going to think about it, because when something terrible happens to me,
2:20:01
I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even
2:20:05
think about it. But I deny that it ever happened, even if my
2:20:09
feet do seemed to hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a
2:20:13
hard day in Muncheon because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolph,
2:20:20
came for her at eleven o'clock to take her to breakfast, but Dorothy told
2:20:24
him that she had had her breakfast, but her gentleman friend said that he
2:20:28
had had his first breakfast too, but it was time for his second,
2:20:31
so he took Dorothy to the half brow house where everybody eats white sausages and
2:20:35
pretzels and beer at eleven o'clock. So after they had their white sausages and
2:20:41
beer, he wanted to take her for a ride, but they could only
2:20:45
go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon, so they
2:20:50
ate quite a lot of luncheon, and then he bought her a large sized
2:20:54
box of chocolates that were full of liqueurs and took her to the matinee.
2:20:58
So after the first Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in
2:21:03
the lobby and have some sandwiches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the
2:21:07
show very much, and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave
2:21:11
because it was time for tea anyway, So after quite a heavy tea,
2:21:16
Rudolf asked her to dinner, and Dorothy was too overcome to say no.
2:21:22
So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But
2:21:26
finally Dorothy began to come too and she asked him to take her back to
2:21:31
the hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a
2:21:35
bite to eat first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouraged as I
2:21:41
seem to feel. Only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can
2:21:45
do is suffer. But in spite of all my Christian science, I am
2:21:50
really beginning to feel quite discouraged about Vienna. I mean, mister Eisman is
2:21:54
in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot
2:21:58
of time with mister Io and quite a lot of time with mister Spofford and
2:22:03
keep them from meeting one another, because mister Spofford might not seem to understand
2:22:09
why mister Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated.
2:22:13
And Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she
2:22:18
thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and mister Spofford together, she thinks that
2:22:22
Miss Chapman will cable for the family's favorite lunacy expert. So I have got
2:22:26
to be as full of Christian science as I can and always hope for the
2:22:31
best. May twenty fifth. So far everything has really worked out for the
2:22:37
best, because mister Eisman is very, very busy all day with the button
2:22:41
profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy all day, So
2:22:46
I and mister Spofford run around all day. So then I tell mister Spofford
2:22:50
that I really do not care to go all of the places that you go
2:22:54
to at night, but I will go to bed and get ready for tomorrow
2:22:58
instead. So then Dorothy and I go to dinner with mister Eisman, and
2:23:03
then we go to a show, and we stay up quite late at a
2:23:05
cabaret called the chapeau rouge, and I am able to keep it all up
2:23:09
with the aid of Champagne. So if we keep our eye out from mister
2:23:13
Spofford and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at
2:23:18
things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work out
2:23:22
for the best. I mean, I have even stopped mister Spofford looking at
2:23:26
museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look
2:23:31
at nature, you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park,
2:23:33
and it is much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning
2:23:39
to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother. So everything
2:23:41
really seems for the best after all. But I have quite a hard time
2:23:46
with mister Eisman at night. I mean at night, mister Eisman is in
2:23:50
quite a state because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory,
2:23:56
it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house
2:24:00
and sit or else. Every time he makes an engagement about the button factory,
2:24:03
some Viennese gentleman gets the idea to have a picnic, and they all
2:24:07
put on short pants and bare knees, and they all put a feather in
2:24:11
their hat and they all walk to the tarol. So it really discourages mister
2:24:16
Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get discouraged, I think
2:24:22
that I ought to get discouraged, because, after all, when a girl
2:24:24
has had no sleep for a week, a girl cannot help it if she
2:24:28
seems to get discouraged May twenty seventh. Well, finally I broke down,
2:24:35
and mister Spofford said that he thought a little girl like guy who was trying
2:24:39
to reform the whole world, was trying to do too much, especially beginning
2:24:45
on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous doctor in
2:24:48
Vienna called doctor Freud who could stop all of my worrying because he does not
2:24:54
give a girl medicine, but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis.
2:25:00
So yesterday he took me to doctor Freud. So doctor Freud and I had
2:25:03
quite a long talk in the English language. So it seems that everybody seems
2:25:09
to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when you want to do a
2:25:11
thing and you do not do it, so then you dream about it instead.
2:25:18
So doctor Freud asked me what I seemed to dream about. So I
2:25:22
told him that I never really dream about anything. I mean, I use
2:25:26
my brain so much in the daytime that at night they do not seem to
2:25:28
do anything else but rest. So doctor Freud was very very surprised at a
2:25:33
girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me about all
2:25:37
my life. I mean, he is very very sympathetic, and he seems
2:25:41
to know how to draw a girl out quite a lot. I mean I
2:25:46
told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So
2:25:50
then he seemed very very intrigued at a girl who always seemed to do everything
2:25:54
she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really never wanted to
2:25:58
do a thing that I did not do, for instance, did I ever
2:26:01
want to do a thing that was really violent? For instance? Did I
2:26:05
ever want to shoot someone? For instance? So then I said I had,
2:26:11
but the bullet only went in mister jennings lung and came right out again.
2:26:16
So then doctor Freyd looked at me and looked at me, and he
2:26:20
said he did not really think it was possible. So then he called in
2:26:24
his assistance, and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a
2:26:28
lot in the Viennese language. So then his assistance looked at me and looked
2:26:33
at me, and it really seemed as if I was quite a famous case.
2:26:39
So then Doctor FREYD said that all I needed was to cultivate a few
2:26:43
inhibitions and get some sleep. May twenty ninth, Things are really getting to
2:26:48
be quite a strain, because yesterday mister Spofford and mister Eisman were both in
2:26:54
the lobby of the Bristol Hotel, and I had to pretend not to see
2:26:58
both of them. I mean, it is quite an easy thing to pretend
2:27:01
not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing to pretend
2:27:05
not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to happen soon,
2:27:11
or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening that are not
2:27:13
for the best. So this afternoon, Dorothy and I had an engagement to
2:27:18
meet Count Psalm for tea at four o'clock. Only you do not call it
2:27:22
tea at Vienna, but you seem to call it yowser. And you do
2:27:26
not drink tea at Vienna, but you drink coffee instead. I mean,
2:27:31
it is quite unusual to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work to
2:27:35
go to yowser about one hour after they have all finished their luncheon. But
2:27:41
time really does not seem to mean so much to Viennese gentlemen, except time
2:27:45
to get to the coffee house, which they all seem to know by instincts
2:27:48
or else. They really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake
2:27:52
and get there too early, because mister Eisman says that when it is time
2:27:56
to attend to the button profession, they really seemed to lose all of their
2:28:01
interest. Until mister Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream. So we
2:28:05
went to Diamel's and met Count Palm. But while we were having yowser with
2:28:11
Count Palm, we saw mister Spofford's mother come in with her companion, Miss
2:28:15
Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk
2:28:18
to mister Spofford's mother about me quite a lot. So I became quite nervous
2:28:24
because I really wish that we were not with Count Palm. I mean,
2:28:28
it has been quite a hard thing to make mister Spofford think I am trying
2:28:31
to reform Dorothy. But if I had to try to make him think that
2:28:35
I was trying to reform count Palm, he might begin to think that there
2:28:39
is a limit to almost everything. So mister Spofford's mother seems to be deaf
2:28:43
because she seems to use an ear trumpet, and I really could not help
2:28:48
overhearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even
2:28:52
if it is not such good etiquette to overhear people. So Miss Chapman seemed
2:28:56
to be telling mister Spofford's mother that I was a creature, and she seemed
2:29:01
to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to
2:29:05
be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then mister Spofford's mother looked
2:29:09
at me and looked at me, even if it was not such good etiquette
2:29:13
to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on talking to mister
2:29:16
Spofford's mother, and I heard her mention Willy Gwynn, And I think that
2:29:22
Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me, and I really think that
2:29:26
she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willy Gwynn had
2:29:30
quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willy Gwinn for
2:29:33
ten thousand dollars. So I really wish mister Spofford would introduce me to his
2:29:39
mother before she gets to be full of quite a lot of prejudice, because
2:29:43
one thing seems to be piling up on top of another thing until I am
2:29:48
almost on the verge of getting nervous, and I have not had any time
2:29:52
yet to do what doctor Freud said a girl ought to do. So tonight
2:29:56
I am going to tell mister Eisman that I have got to go to bed
2:29:58
or so then I can take quite a long ride with mister Spofford and look
2:30:03
at nature and he may say something definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so
2:30:09
definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight May thirtieth. Well, last
2:30:16
night, mister Spofford and I took quite a long ride in the park.
2:30:18
But they do not call it a park in the Viennese language, but they
2:30:22
call it a pratter. So a prater is really divine because it is just
2:30:26
like Coney Island, but at the same time it is in the woods,
2:30:31
and it is practically full of trees, and it has quite a long road
2:30:35
for people to take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found
2:30:39
out that Miss Chapman had been talking against me quite a lot. So it
2:30:43
seems that she has been making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised
2:30:48
to hear all of the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me,
2:30:52
except that she did not find out about mister Eisman educating me. So
2:30:56
then I had to tell mister Spofford that I was not always so reformed as
2:31:01
I am now, because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but
2:31:05
wolves in sheep clothes that did nothing but take advantage of all we girls.
2:31:11
So I really cried a lot. So then I told him how I was
2:31:13
just a little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock, And
2:31:18
by that time even mister Spofford had tears in his eyes. So I told
2:31:22
him how I came from a very very good family because Papa was very intellectual
2:31:28
and he was a very very prominent elk, and everybody always said that he
2:31:33
was a very intellectual elk. So I told mister Spofford that when I left
2:31:37
Little Rock, I thought all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything
2:31:41
but protect we girls. And by the time I found out that they did
2:31:46
not want to protect us so much, it was too late. So then
2:31:50
he cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I finally got
2:31:54
reformed by reading all about him in the newspapers, and when I saw him
2:31:58
in the Oriental look, it really seemed to be nothing but the result of
2:32:03
fate. So I told mister Spofford that I thought a girl was really more
2:32:07
reformed if she knew what it was to be unreformed. Then if she was
2:32:11
born reformed and never really knew, that was the matter with her. So
2:32:16
then mister Spofford reached over and he kissed me on the forehead in a way
2:32:20
that was full of reverence, and he said I seemed to remind him quite
2:32:24
a lot of a girl who got quite a ride up in the Bible,
2:32:26
who was called Magdalen. So then he said that he used to be a
2:32:31
member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the first rock
2:32:35
at a girl like I. So we rode around in the prater until it
2:32:39
was quite late, and it really was divine because it was moonlight, and
2:32:43
we talked quite a lot about morals and all the bands in the prater were
2:32:48
all playing in the distance Mama Love Papa, because Mamma Loved Papa has just
2:32:54
reached Vienna, and they all seemed to be crazy about Mama Love Papa,
2:32:58
even if it is not so new in America. So then he took me
2:33:01
home to the hotel. So everything always works out for the best, because
2:33:07
this morning mister Spofford called up and told me he wanted me to meet his
2:33:11
mother. So I told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his
2:33:16
mother because we could have quite a little tete a tete if there was only
2:33:20
two of us. So I told him to bring his mother to our room
2:33:22
for luncheon, because I thought that miss Chapman could not walk into our room
2:33:26
and spoil everything. So he brought his mother down to our sitting room,
2:33:31
and I put on quite a simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all
2:33:35
of the trimming off of, and I had a pair of black lace mits
2:33:39
that Dorothy used to wear in the follies, and I had a pair of
2:33:43
shoes that did not have any heels on them. So when he introduced us
2:33:48
to each other, I dropped her a curtsy because I always think it is
2:33:52
quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot of curtsies. So then he
2:33:56
left us alone and we had quite a little talk. I told her that
2:34:00
I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we seemed to have
2:34:03
nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old fashioned. So then
2:34:07
mister Spofford's mother told me that Miss Chapman said that she had heard that I
2:34:11
was not so old fashioned. But I told her that I was so old
2:34:16
fashioned, that I was always full of respect for all of my elders,
2:34:20
and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do, like
2:34:22
Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for instance.
2:34:28
So then I ordered luncheon, and I thought some champagne would make her feel
2:34:31
quite good for luncheon. So I asked her if she liked champagne. So
2:34:37
she really liked champagne very very much. But Miss Chapman thinks it is not
2:34:41
so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I
2:34:45
was a Christian science, and all of we Christian science seemed to believe that
2:34:48
there cannot really be any harm in anything, So how can there be any
2:34:52
harm in a small sized bottle of champagne, so she never seemed to look
2:34:58
at it in that kind of a light before, for because she said that
2:35:01
Miss Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman believed about things
2:35:05
that were good for you to drink seemed to apply more towards water. So
2:35:11
then we had luncheon, and she began to feel very very good. So
2:35:15
I thought that we had better have another bottle of champagne, because I told
2:35:18
her that I was such an ardent Christian Science that I did not believe there
2:35:22
could be any harm in two bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle
2:35:28
of champagne, and she became very intrigued about Christian Science because she said that
2:35:33
she really thought it was a better religion than Presbyterians. So she said Miss
2:35:39
Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things, but Miss
2:35:41
Chapman never seemed to have such a large sized grasp of the Christian Science religion
2:35:46
as I seemed to have. So then I told her that I thought Miss
2:35:50
Chapman was jealous of her good looks. So then she said that that was
2:35:54
true because Miss Chapman would always make her wear hats that were made out of
2:35:58
black horse's hair, cause horse's hair does not weigh so much on a person's
2:36:01
brain. So I told her I was going to give her one of my
2:36:05
hats that has got quite large size roses on it. So then I got
2:36:09
it out, but we could not get it on her head because hats are
2:36:13
quite small on account of hair being bobbed. So I thought I would get
2:36:18
the scissors and bob her head. But then I thought I had done enough
2:36:20
to her for one day. So Henry's mother said, I was really the
2:36:26
most sunshine that she had ever had in all her life. And when Henry
2:36:30
came back to take his mother up to her room, she did not want
2:36:33
to go. But after he got her away, he called me up on
2:36:37
the telephone and he was quite excited, and he said he wanted to ask
2:36:41
me something that was very very important. So I said I would see him
2:36:46
tonight. But now I have got to see mister Eisman because I have an
2:36:50
idea about doing something that is really really important that has got to be done
2:36:54
at once. May thirty. First, well, I and Dorothy and mister
2:37:01
Eisman are on a train going to a place called Budapest. So I did
2:37:05
not see Henry again before I left, but I left him a letter because
2:37:09
I thought it would be a quite good thing. Off what he wanted to
2:37:13
ask me, he would have to write down instead of asking me, and
2:37:16
he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that
2:37:20
he is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to
2:37:24
leave in five minutes time because I found out that Dorothy was just on the
2:37:28
verge of getting very unreformed, and if I did not get her away,
2:37:31
all I had done for her would really go for nothing. So I told
2:37:35
him to write down what he had to say to me and mail it to
2:37:39
me at the Ritz Hotel in Budapest, because I always seemed to believe in
2:37:43
the old adage say it in writing. So it was really very easy to
2:37:48
get mister Eisman to leave Vienna, because yesterday he went out to see the
2:37:52
button factory. But it seems that all of the people at the button factory
2:37:56
were not at work, but they were giving a birthday part to some saint.
2:38:01
So it seems that every time some saint has a birthday, they all
2:38:05
stop work so they can give it a birthday party. So mister Eisman looked
2:38:09
at their calendar and found out that some Saint or other was born practically every
2:38:13
week in the year. So he has decided that America is good enough for
2:38:18
him. So Henry will not be able to follow me to Budapest because his
2:38:24
mother is having treatments by doctor Freud, and she seems to be a much
2:38:28
more difficult case than I seem to be. I mean, it is quite
2:38:31
hard for doctor Freud because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and
2:38:35
which really happened to her. So she tells him everything and he has to
2:38:41
use his judgment. I mean, when she tells him that a very very
2:38:45
handsome young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his
2:38:48
judgment. So we will soon be at a Ritz hotel again. And I
2:38:54
must say it will be delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central
2:38:58
of Europe. June first, well, yesterday Henry's letter came and it says
2:39:05
in black and white that he and his mother have never met such a girl
2:39:09
as I and he wants me to marry him. So I took Henry's letter
2:39:13
to the photographers and I had quite a lot of photographs taken of it,
2:39:18
because a girl might lose Henry's letter and she would not have anything left to
2:39:22
remember him by. But Dorothy says to hang on to Henry's letter because she
2:39:26
really does not think the photographs do it justice. So this afternoon I got
2:39:31
a telegram from Henry, and the telegram says that Henry's father is very very
2:39:37
ill in New York and they have got to leave for New York immediately,
2:39:41
and his heart is broken not to see me again, and to send him
2:39:43
my answer by telegraph so that his mind will be rested while he is going
2:39:48
back to New York. So I sent him a telegram and I accepted his
2:39:54
proposal. So tonight I got another telegram, and Henry says that he and
2:39:58
his mother are very very happy, and Henry's mother can hardly bear Miss Chapman
2:40:03
anymore. And Henry says he hopes I will decide to come right back to
2:40:07
New York and keep his mother quite a lot of company, because he thinks
2:40:11
I can reform Dorothy more in New York anyway, where there is prohibition and
2:40:16
nobody can get anything to drink. So now I have got to make up
2:40:20
my mind whether I really want to marry Henry after all, because I know
2:40:24
too much to get married to any gentleman like Henry without thinking it all over.
2:40:30
Because Henry is the kind of a gentleman who gets on a girl's nerves
2:40:33
quite a lot. And when a gentleman has nothing else to do but get
2:40:37
on a girl's nerves, there really seems to be a limit to almost everything.
2:40:41
Because when a gentleman has a business, he has an office and he
2:40:45
has to be there. But when a gentleman's business is only looking into other
2:40:50
people's business, a gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out
2:40:54
of the house, and a girl could not really say that her own time
2:40:58
was her own. And when Henry was not in and out of the house,
2:41:01
his mother would always be in and out of the house, because she
2:41:05
seems to think that I am so full of nothing but sunshine. So it
2:41:09
is quite a problem, and I seem to be quite in a quandary,
2:41:13
because it might really be better if Henry should happen to decide that he should
2:41:16
not get married, and he should change his mind and desert a girl.
2:41:20
And then it would only be right if a girl should sue him for a
2:41:24
breach of promise. But I really think whatever happens, that Dorothy and I
2:41:28
had better get back to New York, so I will see if mister Eisman
2:41:31
will send us back. I mean, I really do not think that mister
2:41:35
Eisman will mind us going back, because if he does, I will start
2:41:39
shopping again, and that always seems to bring him to terms. But all
2:41:43
the time I am going back to New York, I will have to try
2:41:46
to make up my mind one way or another, because we girls really cannot
2:41:52
help it if we have ideals. And sometimes my mind seems to get to
2:41:56
running on things that are romantic, and I seem to think that maybe there
2:42:00
is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows how to
2:42:03
look and act like Count Palm, and who has got money besides. And
2:42:09
when a girl's mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girl's
2:42:13
mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not. Brains
2:42:18
are really everything. June fourteenth, Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New
2:42:24
York yesterday because mister Eisman finally decided to send us home because he said that
2:42:31
all of his button profession would not stand the strain of educating me much more
2:42:35
in Europe. So we separated from mister Eisman in Budapest because mister Eisman had
2:42:41
to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin who
2:42:46
have done nothing but starve since the war. So he wrote me just before
2:42:50
we sailed, and he said that he had dug up all his starving relatives
2:42:54
and he had looked them all over and decided not to bring them to an
2:43:00
America because there was not one of his starving relatives who could travel on a
2:43:03
railroad ticket without paying excess fare for overweight. So Dorothy and I took the
2:43:09
boat, and all the way over on the boat, I had to make
2:43:13
up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. Spofford
2:43:18
or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York,
2:43:22
and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at
2:43:26
New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry,
2:43:31
even if I do not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry
2:43:35
which would come in very very handy if I did not marry Henry. So
2:43:39
Dorothy seems to agree with me quite a lot, because Dorothy says the only
2:43:45
thing she could stand being to Henry would be to be his widow at the
2:43:48
age of eighteen. So coming over on the boat, I decided not to
2:43:54
bother to meet any gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen
2:43:58
when there is nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little
2:44:01
shop where they do not have anything that costs more than five dollars. And
2:44:07
besides, if I did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want
2:44:11
to see me off the boat, and then we would bump into Henry.
2:44:15
But then I heard that there was a gentleman on the boat who was quite
2:44:18
a dealer in unset diamonds from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the
2:44:24
gentleman and we went around together quite a lot. But we had quite a
2:44:28
quarrel the night before we landed, so I did not even bother to look
2:44:31
at him when I came down the gangplank, and I put the unset diamonds
2:44:35
in my handbag so I did not have to declare them at customs. So
2:44:41
Henry was waiting for me at the Customs because he had come up from Pennsylvania
2:44:45
to meet me because their country estate is at Pennsylvania, and Henry's father is
2:44:50
very very ill at Pennsylvania, so Henry has to stay there practically all of
2:44:54
the time. So all of the reporters were at the customs and they all
2:45:00
heard about how Henry and I were engaged to one another, and they wanted
2:45:03
to know what I was before I became engaged to Henry. So I told
2:45:09
them that I was nothing but a society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas.
2:45:13
So then I became quite angry with Dorothy because one of the reporters asked Dorothy
2:45:18
when I made my debut in society at Little Rock, and Dorothy said,
2:45:22
I made my debut at the Elks Annual street Fair and Carnival at the age
2:45:28
of fifteen. I mean, Dorothy never overlooks any chance to be unrefined,
2:45:33
even when she is talking to literary gentlemen like reporters. So Henry brought me
2:45:39
to the apartment in his rolls Royce, and while we were coming to the
2:45:43
apartment, he said he wanted to give me my engagement ring. And I
2:45:46
really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to Cartier's and
2:45:52
he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartier's, and after he had
2:45:56
looked them all over, he had decided that they were not half good enough
2:46:01
for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket, and
2:46:05
I really became intrigued. So then Henry said that when he looked at all
2:46:09
of those large sized diamonds, he really felt that they did not have any
2:46:13
sentiment. So he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst College
2:46:18
instead. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I
2:46:22
am too full of self control to say anything at this stage of the game.
2:46:28
So I said it was really very sweet of him to be so full
2:46:31
of nothing but sentiment. So then Henry said that he would have to go
2:46:35
back to Pennsylvania to talk to his father about us getting married, because his
2:46:39
father has really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I
2:46:43
told Henry that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him
2:46:48
over, because I always seemed to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that
2:46:54
that is just the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over,
2:46:58
and they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and
2:47:01
they hardly dare to let him go to church alone, because the last time
2:47:05
he went to church alone, some girl won him over on the street corner
2:47:09
and he arrived back home with all of his pocket money gone, and they
2:47:13
could not believe him when he said that he had put it in the plate,
2:47:18
because he has not put more than a dime in the plate for the
2:47:20
last fifty years. So it seems that the real reason why his father does
2:47:26
not want Henry to marry me is because his father says that Henry always has
2:47:30
all of the fun, and every time Henry's father wants to have some fun
2:47:33
of his own, Henry always stops him. And Henry will not even let
2:47:37
him be sick at a hospital where he could have some fun of his own,
2:47:41
but he keeps him at home where he has to have a nurse Henry
2:47:45
picked out for him, who is a male nurse. So all of his
2:47:48
objections seemed to be nothing but the spirit of reciprocity. But Henry says that
2:47:54
all his objections cannot last much longer, because he is nearly ninety years of
2:47:58
age, after all, and nature must take its course sooner or later.
2:48:05
So Dorothy says, what a fool I am to waste my time on Henry,
2:48:09
when I might manage to meet Henry's father, and the whole thing would
2:48:11
be over in a few months, and I would practically own the state of
2:48:16
Pennsylvania. But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy's advice, because
2:48:20
Henry's father is watched like a hawk, and Henry himself is his power of
2:48:24
attorney, so no good could really come of it, after all, And
2:48:30
after all, why should I listen to the advice of a girl like Dorothy
2:48:33
who traveled all over Europe and all she came home with was a Bengal.
2:48:39
So Henry spent the evening at the apartment, and then he had to go
2:48:43
back to Pennsylvania to be there Thursday morning, because every Thursday morning he belongs
2:48:48
to a society who does nothing but censure all of the photo plays. So
2:48:54
they cut out all of the pieces of all the photo plays that show things
2:48:58
that are too risk guy people ought not to look at. So then they
2:49:01
put all of the riskay pieces together and they run them over and over again.
2:49:07
So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry away from
2:49:11
one of his Thursday mornings, and he can hardly wait from one Thursday morning
2:49:15
to another because he really does not seem to enjoy anything so much as censuring
2:49:20
photoplays, and after a photoplay has once been censured, he seems to lose
2:49:26
all of his interest in it. So after Henry left, I help quite
2:49:30
a conversation with Lulu, who is my maid and who looked out for my
2:49:33
apartment while I was away. So Lulu really thinks I ought to marry mister
2:49:39
Spofford after all, because Lulu says that she kept studying mister Spofford all of
2:49:43
the time she was unpacking my trunks. And Lulu says she is sure that
2:49:48
any time I feel as if I had to get away from mister Spofford,
2:49:52
I could just set him down on the floor and give him a packet of
2:49:54
riskay French postcards to censure and stay away as long as I like. So
2:50:01
Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a weekend
2:50:05
and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry's family are as
2:50:09
full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal
2:50:13
even for a girl like I June fifteenth, yesterday morning was quite an ordeal
2:50:20
for a refined girl, because all of the newspapers all printed the story of
2:50:24
how Henry and I are engaged to one another, but they all seem to
2:50:28
leave out the part about me being a society girl except one newspaper, and
2:50:33
that was the newspaper that quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutante at
2:50:37
the Elks Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz, and I
2:50:41
told Dorothy that a girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the
2:50:46
presence of reporters. So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling
2:50:50
Dorothy up, but Dorothy said she did not say anything to any of them,
2:50:54
except one reporter asked her what I used for money, and she told
2:50:58
him buttons. But Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because
2:51:03
quite a few people seem to know that mister Eisman is educating me, and
2:51:07
that he is known all over Chicago as Gus Eisman, the button King.
2:51:13
So one thing might suggest another until people's minds might begin to think something.
2:51:18
But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a debutante
2:51:22
at Little Rock, because after all, Dorothy knows that I really did not
2:51:26
make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to make
2:51:31
my debut, my gentleman friend, mister Jennings became shot, and after the
2:51:37
trial was over and all of the jury had let me off, I was
2:51:41
really much too fatigued to make any debut. So then Dorothy said, why
2:51:46
don't we throw you a party now, and you can become a debutante now
2:51:50
and put them all in their place, because it seems that Dorothy is dying
2:51:54
for a party. So that is really the first sensible suggestion that Dorothy has
2:51:58
made yet, because I think that every girl who was engaged to a gentleman
2:52:03
who has a fine old family like Henry had really ought to be a debutante.
2:52:09
So I told her to come right over and we would plan my debut,
2:52:13
but we would keep it very very quiet and give it tomorrow night,
2:52:16
because if Henry heard I was making my debut, he would come up from
2:52:20
Pennsylvania and he would practically spoil the party, because all Henry has to do
2:52:26
to spoil a party is to arrive at it. So Dorothy came over and
2:52:31
we planned my debut. So first we decided to have some engraved invitations engraved,
2:52:37
but it always takes quite a little time to have invitations engraved, and
2:52:41
it would really be foolish because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite
2:52:46
to my debut were all members of the Racket Club. So I could just
2:52:50
ride out and notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie
2:52:54
Gwynn and have Willy gwyn posted on the Racket Club board. So Willie Gwynn
2:53:00
posted it on the club board, and then he called me up and he
2:53:03
told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the Dempsey Furbo fight,
2:53:09
and he said that the whole Racket Club would be there in a body.
2:53:13
So then we had to plan what girls we would ask to my debut,
2:53:18
because I have not seemed to meet so many society women yet, because
2:53:22
of course a girl does not meet society women until her debut is all over,
2:53:26
and then all the society women all come and call on a debutante.
2:53:31
But I know practically all of the society men because practically all of the society
2:53:37
men belonged to the Racket Club. So after I have the Racket Club at
2:53:41
my debut. All I have to do to take my real place in society
2:53:46
is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know practically all of their
2:53:50
sweethearts now. But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have
2:53:54
quite a lot of girls at a party, if a girl has quite a
2:53:58
lot of gentlemen at a place party, and it is quite delightful to have
2:54:01
all of the girls from the follies. But I really could not invite them,
2:54:07
because after all, they are not in my set. So then I
2:54:11
thought it all over, and I thought that even if it was not etiquette
2:54:13
to invite them to a party, it really would be etiquette to hire them
2:54:18
to come to a party and be entertainers. And after they were entertainers,
2:54:22
they could mix in to the party and it really would not be a social
2:54:26
error. So then the telephone rang and Dorothy answered it, and it seems
2:54:31
that it was Joe Sanguinetti, who was almost the official bootlegger for the Whole
2:54:35
Racket Club. And Joe said he had heard about my debut and if he
2:54:41
could come to my debut and bring his club, which is the Silver Spray
2:54:45
Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor and he would
2:54:48
guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door. So Dorothy
2:54:54
told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before she told
2:54:58
me his prophecy. And I became quite angry with Dorothy, because, after
2:55:03
all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned in the social register,
2:55:09
and it has no place at a girl's debut. But Dorothy said,
2:55:13
by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to be a
2:55:16
genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the Racket Club, the Silver
2:55:20
Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pytheus. But I really was almost
2:55:26
sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except that Dorothy is
2:55:30
very good to have at a party if the police come in, because Dorothy
2:55:33
always knows how to manage the police. And I never knew a policeman yet
2:55:37
who did not finish up by being madly in love with Dorothy. So then
2:55:43
Dorothy called a ball of the reporters on all of the newspapers and invited them
2:55:48
all to my debut so they could see it with their own eyes. So
2:55:52
Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on
2:55:56
the front page of all the newspapers, if we have to commit a to
2:56:00
do it. June nineteenth, well, it has been three days since my
2:56:05
debut party started. But I finally got tired and left the party last night
2:56:11
and went to bed, because I always seemed to lose all of my interest
2:56:15
in a party after a few days. But Dorothy never loses her interest in
2:56:20
a party. And when I woke up this morning, Dorothy was just saying
2:56:22
goodbye to some of the guests. I mean, Dorothy seems to have quite
2:56:28
a lot of vitality, because the last guests of the party were guests we
2:56:31
picked up when the party went to take a swim at Long Beach the day
2:56:35
before yesterday, and they were practically fresh. But Dorothy had gone clear through
2:56:41
the party from beginning to end, without even stopping to take a Turkish bath,
2:56:46
as most of the gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really
2:56:50
been very novel because quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my
2:56:54
debut were not the same guests that started out at it. And it is
2:56:58
really quite not for a girl to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at
2:57:03
her debut. So it has really been a very great success because all of
2:57:07
the newspapers have quite a lot of write ups about my debut, and I
2:57:11
really feel quite proud when I saw the front page of the Daily Views and
2:57:16
it said in large size headlines, Laurel I's debut a wow. And Sitz
2:57:22
Weekly came right out and said that if this party marks my entrance into society,
2:57:28
they only hope that they can live to see what I will spring once
2:57:31
I have overcome my debutante reserve and taken my place in the world. So
2:57:35
I really had to apologize to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to my debut,
2:57:41
because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to the party,
2:57:46
and he more than kept his word. I mean, he had his
2:57:48
bootlagers run up from the wharf and taxis right to the apartment and the only
2:57:54
trouble he had was once the bootlakers delivered the liquor, he could not get
2:57:58
them to leave the party. So finally there was quite a little quarrel because
2:58:03
Willie Gwynn claimed that Joe's bootlagers were snubbing the members of his club because they
2:58:07
would not let the boys from the Racket Club sing in their quartette. But
2:58:11
Joe's Bootlager said that the Racket Club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined,
2:58:18
while they wanted to sing songs about mother. So then everybody started to
2:58:22
take sides. But the girls from the follies were all with Joe's Bootlakers from
2:58:26
the start, because practically all we girls were listening to them with tears streaming
2:58:31
from our eyes. So that made the Racket Club jealous, and one thing
2:58:35
led to another until somebody rang for an ambulance, and then the police came
2:58:39
in. So Dorothy as usual one over all of the police. So it
2:58:46
seems that the police all have orders from Judge Schultzmeyer, who is the famous
2:58:50
judge who tries all of the prohibition cases, that anytime they break into a
2:58:54
party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call
2:58:58
him up, no matter what time of the day or night it is because
2:59:01
Judge Schultzmeyer dearly loves a party. So the police called up Judge Schultzmeier and
2:59:07
he was down in less than no time. So during the party, both
2:59:11
Joe Sanguinetti and Judge Schultzmeyer fell madly in love with Dorothy, so Joe and
2:59:18
the judge had quite a little quarrel, and the judge told Joe that if
2:59:22
his stuff was fit to drink, he would set the law after him and
2:59:26
confiscate it. But his stuff was not worth the while of any gentleman to
2:59:30
confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he would not lower himself
2:59:35
to confiscate it. So about nine o'clock in the morning, Judge Shultzmeyer had
2:59:39
to leave the party and go to court to try all of the criminals who
2:59:43
break all of the laws. So he had to leave Dorothy and Joe together,
2:59:48
and he was very, very angry, and I really felt quite sorry
2:59:52
for any person who went up before Judge Schultzmeyer that morning, because he gave
2:59:56
everybody ninety days and was back at the party by twelve o'clock. So then
3:00:01
he stuck to the party until we were all going down to Long Beach to
3:00:05
take a swim day before yesterday, when he seemed to become unconscious, so
3:00:11
we dropped him off at a sanatorium in Garden City. So my debut party
3:00:16
was really the greatest success of the social season, because the second night of
3:00:20
my debut party was the night when Willie Gwynn's sister was having a dance at
3:00:24
the gwyn estate on Long Island, and Willy gwyn said that all of the
3:00:28
eligible gentlemen in New York were conspicuous by their absence at his sister's party because
3:00:33
they were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really
3:00:37
going to be quite a famous hostess if I can just bring my mind to
3:00:41
the point of being missus. Henry Spafford Junior, Well, Henry called up
3:00:46
this morning, and Henry said he had finally got his father's mind so that
3:00:50
he thought it was safe for me to meet him, and he was coming
3:00:54
up to get me this afternoon so that I can meet his family and see
3:00:58
his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he asked about my debut
3:01:03
party, which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed to mention. But I told
3:01:07
him that my debut was really not so much planned as it was spontaneous,
3:01:13
and I did not have the heart to call him up at a moment's notice
3:01:16
and take him away from his father at such a time for reasons which were
3:01:20
nothing but social. So now I am getting ready to visit Henry's family,
3:01:24
and I feel as if my whole future depends on it, because if I
3:01:28
cannot stand Henry's family anymore than I can stand Henry, the whole thing will
3:01:33
probably come to an end in the law court. June twenty first, Well,
3:01:41
I am now spending the weekend with Henry's family at his old family manor
3:01:45
outside of Pennsylvania, and I am beginning to think, after all, that
3:01:48
there is something else in the world besides family, And I am beginning to
3:01:52
think that family life is only fit for those who can stand it. For
3:01:58
instance, they always seem to get up very early in Henry's family. I
3:02:01
mean, it really is not so bad to get up early when there is
3:02:05
something to get up early about. But when a girl gets up early and
3:02:09
there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as
3:02:11
if there was no sense to it. So yesterday we all got up early,
3:02:16
and that was when I met all of Henry's family, because Henry and
3:02:20
I motored down to Pennsylvania and everybody was in bed when we arrived because it
3:02:24
was after nine o'clock. So in the morning, Henry's mother came to my
3:02:30
room to get me up in time for breakfast. Because Henry's mother is very
3:02:33
very fond of me, and she always wants to copy all of my gowns,
3:02:39
and so she always loves to look through all of my things to see
3:02:41
what I have got. So she found a box of liqueur candies that are
3:02:46
full of liqueurs, and she was really very delighted. So I finally got
3:02:50
dressed, and she threw the empty box away and I helped her downstairs to
3:02:54
the dining room. So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister,
3:03:00
and that was when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry's
3:03:03
sister has never been the same since the war, because she never had a
3:03:07
man's collar and a necktie until she drove an ambulance in the war, and
3:03:11
now they cannot get her to take them off because ever since the armistice,
3:03:16
Henry's sister seems to have the idea that regular women's clothes are effeminate. So
3:03:22
Henry's sister seems to think of nothing but either horses or automobiles. And when
3:03:26
she is not in a garage, the only other place she is happy is
3:03:31
in a stable. I mean, she really pays very little attention to all
3:03:35
of her family, and she seems to pay less attention to Henry than anybody
3:03:39
else because she seems to have the idea that Henry's brains are not so virile.
3:03:45
So then we all waited for Henry's father to come in so that he
3:03:48
could read the Bible out loud before breakfast. So then something happened that really
3:03:52
was a miracle, because it seems that Henry's father has practically lived in a
3:03:58
wheelchair for months and months, and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere.
3:04:03
So his male nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheelchair,
3:04:07
and Henry said, father, this is going to be your little daughter in
3:04:11
law. And Henry's father took one good look at me and got right out
3:04:15
of his wheelchair and walked. So then everybody was very very surprised, but
3:04:20
Henry was not so surprised because Henry knows his father like a book. So
3:04:26
then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to
3:04:28
read out of the Bible, but he could hardly keep his mind on the
3:04:33
Bible, and he could hardly eat a bite, because when a gentleman is
3:04:37
as feeble as Henry's father is he cannot keep one eye on a girl and
3:04:41
the other on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally
3:04:46
became quite discouraged, and he told his father he would have to get back
3:04:50
to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse
3:04:54
wheeled him back to his room, and it really was pathetic, because he
3:05:00
i'd like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me
3:05:03
about Henry's father, and I really got to thinking that if Henry's father could
3:05:07
only get away from everybody and have some time of his own, Dorothy's advice
3:05:13
might not be so bad after all. So after breakfast, we all got
3:05:18
ready to go to church. But Henry's sister does not go to church because
3:05:22
Henry's sister always likes to spend every Sunday in the garage, taking their Ford
3:05:26
farm truck apart and putting it back together again. And Henry says that what
3:05:31
the war did to a girl like his sister is really worse than the war
3:05:35
itself. So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church.
3:05:39
So when we came home from church, we had luncheon and it seems that
3:05:43
luncheon is practically the same as breakfast, except that Henry's father could not come
3:05:48
down to luncheon because after he met me he contracted such a violent fever that
3:05:54
they had to send for the doctor. So in the afternoon, Henry went
3:05:58
to prayer meeting, and I was left alone with Henry's mother so that we
3:06:03
could rest up so that we could go to church again after supper. So
3:06:07
Henry's mother thinks I am nothing but sunshine, and she will hardly let me
3:06:11
get out of her sight because she hates to be by herself, because when
3:06:16
she is by herself, her brains hardly seem to work at all. So
3:06:20
she loves to try on all of my hats, and she loves to tell
3:06:24
me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep their eyes off her.
3:06:28
So of course the girl has to agree with her. And it is
3:06:31
quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it through an
3:06:33
ear trumpet, because sooner or later your voice has to give out. So
3:06:39
then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon, only by
3:06:43
supper time all of the novelties seemed to wear off, So then I told
3:06:48
Henry that I had too much of a headache to go to church again.
3:06:52
So Henry and his mother went to church, and I went to my room,
3:06:54
and I sat down and thought, and I decided that life was really
3:06:58
too short to spend it on being proud of your family, even if they
3:07:03
did have a great deal of money. So the best thing for me to
3:07:07
do is think up some scheme to make Henry decide not to marry me,
3:07:11
and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied. June twenty
3:07:16
second, Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia,
3:07:22
and I made him stay at Philadelphia so he could be near his father
3:07:26
if his father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my
3:07:31
drawing room on the train, and I decided that the time had come to
3:07:35
get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that
3:07:39
discourages gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even mister Eisman, who
3:07:46
is practically born for we girls to shop on and who knows just what to
3:07:50
expect, often gets quite discouraged over all of my shopping. So I decided
3:07:56
I would get to New York and I would go to Cartier's and run up
3:08:00
quite a large bill on Henry's credit, because, after all, our engagement
3:08:05
has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry's credit is really my
3:08:09
credit. So while I was thinking it all over, there was a knock
3:08:13
on the drawing room door, so I told him to come in, and
3:08:18
it was a gentleman who said he had seen me quite a lot in New
3:08:20
York and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me because we had
3:08:26
quite a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his
3:08:30
card, and his name was on his card and it was mister Gilbertson Montrose,
3:08:35
and his profession is a scenario writer. So then I asked him to
3:08:39
sit down and we held a literary conversation. So I really feel as if
3:08:45
yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I have met
3:08:48
a gentleman who is not only an artist, but who has got brains besides.
3:08:54
I mean, he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could
3:08:56
sit at his feet and listen to days and days and nearly always learn something
3:09:03
or other, because after all, there is nothing that gives a girl more
3:09:07
of a thrill than brains in a gentleman, especially after a girl has been
3:09:11
spending the weekend with Henry. So mister Montrose talked and talked all of the
3:09:16
way to New York, and I sat there and did nothing else but listen.
3:09:20
So, according to mister Montrose's opinion, Shakespeare is a very great playwright,
3:09:26
and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy. And as far
3:09:30
as novels are concerned, he believes that everybody had ought to read Dickens.
3:09:35
And when we got on the subject of poetry, he recited the shooting of
3:09:39
Dan McGrew until you could almost hear the gun go off. And then I
3:09:45
asked mister Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that mister
3:09:48
Montrose was on his way home from Washington, d c. Where he went
3:09:52
to see the Bulgarian ambassador to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance the
3:09:58
scenario he has written, which is a great historical subject, which is founded
3:10:03
on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that mister Montrose has
3:10:07
meant quite a lot of Bulgarians. In a Bulgarian restaurant on Lexington Avenue,
3:10:13
and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria,
3:10:16
because mister Montrose said that he could fill his scenario full of Bulgarian propaganda.
3:10:22
And he told the Bulgarian ambassador that every time he realized how ignorant all of
3:10:26
the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch.
3:10:33
So I told mister Montrose that it made me feel very, very small
3:10:35
to talk to a gentleman like he who knew so much about Bulgaria, because
3:10:41
practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zulac. So mister Montrose said that the
3:10:46
Bulgarian ambassador did not seem to think that Dolly Madison had so much about her
3:10:52
that was pertinent to present day Bulgaria, but mister Montrose explained to him that
3:10:56
that was because he knew practically nothing about dramatic construc Because mister Montrose said he
3:11:01
could fix his scenario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a
3:11:05
Bulgarian who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering
3:11:11
what her great great grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian and then
3:11:16
she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in nineteen twenty five,
3:11:22
So that was when mister Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the
3:11:26
vision. But the Bulgarian ambassador turned down the whole proposition, but he gave
3:11:31
mister Montrose quite a large sized bottle of the Bulgarian national drink. So the
3:11:37
Bulgarian National drink looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does
3:11:41
not taste so strong. But about five minutes afterwards, you begin to realize
3:11:46
your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make
3:11:50
me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself
3:11:54
to forget everything. So then we had another drink. So then mister Montrose
3:12:01
told me that he had quite a hard time getting along in the motion picture
3:12:03
profession because all of his scenarios were all over their head. Because when mister
3:12:09
Montrose writes about sex, it is full of psychology, but when everybody else
3:12:15
writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent negliges and ornamental bath
3:12:20
tubs. And mister Montrose said that there is no future in the motion pictures
3:12:24
until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out and realize that a woman
3:12:30
of twenty five can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of sixteen,
3:12:35
because mister Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he
3:12:39
refuses to have women of the world played by small sized girls of fifteen who
3:12:45
know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention home.
3:12:50
So we arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to
3:12:54
thinking how the same trip with Henry and his rolls Royce seemed like about twenty
3:12:58
four hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not
3:13:03
everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So mister
3:13:07
Montrose took me home and we are going to have luncheon together at the Primrose
3:13:13
Tea Room practically every day and keep right on holding literary conversations. So then
3:13:20
I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry and at the same
3:13:22
time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent
3:13:28
for Dorothy, because Dorothy is not so good at intriguing a gentleman with money,
3:13:33
but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of
3:13:35
one. So at first Dorothy said, why didn't I take a chance and
3:13:39
marry Henry, because she had an idea that if Henry married me, he
3:13:43
would commit suicide. About two weeks later, but I told her about my
3:13:48
plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I
3:13:52
would send for Henry and I would manage it so that I would not be
3:13:56
in the apartment when he came, but she could be there and start a
3:13:58
conversation with him, and she could tell him about all of my shopping and
3:14:03
how extravagant I seemed to be, and he would be in the poor house
3:14:07
in less than a year if he married me. So Dorothy said for me
3:14:11
to take one farewell look at Henry and to leave him to her, because
3:14:16
the next time I saw him would be in the witness box and I might
3:14:20
not even recognize him because she would throw a scare into him that might change
3:14:24
his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of
3:14:30
Dorothy and hope for the best. July tenth, well, last month was
3:14:37
really almost a diary in itself, and I had to begin to realize that
3:14:41
I am one of the kind of girls that things happened to. And I
3:14:45
have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful, because so
3:14:50
much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl's brains
3:14:54
whirl. I mean, in the first place, I went shopping at Cartier's
3:14:58
and bought quite a d delightful square cut emerald and quite a long rope of
3:15:03
pearls on Henry's credit. So then I called up Henry on the long distance
3:15:07
telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot. So
3:15:11
he was very very pleased, and he said that he would come right up
3:15:16
to New York. So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and
3:15:20
be there when Henry came, and to show Henry what I bought on his
3:15:24
credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seemed to be, and how
3:15:28
I seemed to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as
3:15:33
far as she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my
3:15:37
character, because the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things
3:15:41
might turn out later. So Henry was due at the apartment about one twenty,
3:15:48
so I had Lulu get some luncheon for he and Dorothy, and I
3:15:50
told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out to look at the Russian
3:15:54
crown jewels that some Russian Grand Duchess or other had for sale at the Ritz.
3:16:00
So then I went to the Primrose tea room to have luncheon with mister
3:16:03
Montrose, because mister Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and
3:16:09
he says that I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl called
3:16:11
Madame Racamier, who all the intellectual gentlemen used to tell all of their plans
3:16:18
too, even when there was a French Revolution going on all around them.
3:16:22
So mister Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seemed
3:16:26
to notice what I am eating when I am with mister Montrose, because when
3:16:30
mister Montrose talks, a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all
3:16:35
of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy, and I
3:16:39
was worrying for fear Dorothy would go too far and tell Henry something that would
3:16:43
not be so good for me afterwards. So finally even mister Montrose seemed to
3:16:50
notice it, and he said, what's the matter, little woman? A
3:16:54
penny for your thoughts, So then I told him everything, so he seemed
3:16:58
to think quite a lot, and finally he said to me, it is
3:17:01
really too bad that you feel as if the social life of mister Spofford bored
3:17:05
you, because mister Spofford would be ideal to finance my scenario. So then
3:17:11
mister Montrose said that he had been thinking from the very first how ideal I
3:17:16
would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking, and I
3:17:20
told mister Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size amount of money
3:17:24
later on, and I would finance it myself. But mister Montrose said that
3:17:28
would be too late, because all of the motion picture corporations were after it
3:17:33
now and it would be snapped up almost immediately. So then I became almost
3:17:39
in a panic, because I suddenly decided that if I married Henry and worked
3:17:43
in the motion pictures at the same time, society life would Henry would not
3:17:48
really be so bad, because if a girl was so busy as all that,
3:17:52
it really would not seem to matter so much if she had to stand
3:17:56
Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what Dorothy was up
3:18:00
to, and I told mister Montrose that I was almost afraid it was too
3:18:03
late, So I hurried to the telephone and I called up Dorothy at the
3:18:07
apartment, and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy
3:18:13
said that she showed him the square cut emerald and told him that I bought
3:18:16
it as a knickknack to go with a green dress, but I had got
3:18:20
a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to
3:18:24
Lulu. So she said she showed him the pearls, and she said that
3:18:28
after I had bought them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones
3:18:31
because white ones were so common, so I was going to have Lulu on
3:18:35
string them and sew them on a neckliget. So then she told him she
3:18:39
was rather sorry I meant to buy the Russian crown jewels because she had a
3:18:45
feeling they were unlucky, but that I had said to her that if I
3:18:48
found out they were, I would toss them over my left shoulder into the
3:18:52
Hudson River some night when there was a new moon, and it would take
3:18:56
away the curse. So then she said that Henry began to get restless,
3:19:01
So then she told him she was very glad I was going to get married
3:19:03
at last, because I had had such bad luck that every time I became
3:19:09
engaged, something seemed to happen to my fiance. So Henry asked her what,
3:19:15
for instance, So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum.
3:19:18
One had shot himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of
3:19:24
the remainder. So Henry asked her how they got that way, So Dorothy
3:19:28
told him it was nothing but my extravagance. And she told him that she
3:19:33
was surprised that he had never heard about it, because all I had to
3:19:35
do was take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker, and the next
3:19:41
day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that
3:19:45
she did not want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a
3:19:48
very, very prominent German the day before German marks started to collapse. So
3:19:54
I became almost frantic, and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment
3:19:58
until I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while
3:20:03
Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a
3:20:07
minute, and she said that the parlor was empty, but that if I
3:20:09
would hurry down to Broadway, no doubt I would see a cloud of dust
3:20:13
heading toward the Pennsylvania station, and that would be Henry. So then I
3:20:20
went back to mister Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry
3:20:22
at the Pennsylvania station at any cost, and if anyone were to say that
3:20:28
we left the Primrose Tea Room in a hurry, they would be putting it
3:20:31
quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station and I just had time
3:20:35
to get on board the train to Philadelphia, and I left mister Montrose standing
3:20:41
at the train, biting his fingernails and all of his anxiety. But I
3:20:45
called out to him to go to his hotel and I would telephone the result
3:20:48
as soon as the train arrived. So then I went through the train and
3:20:52
there was Henry with a look on his face which I shall never forget.
3:20:58
So when he saw me, he really sees to shrink to half his natural
3:21:01
size. So I sat down beside him, and I told him that I
3:21:05
was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me could
3:21:09
not stand the little test that I and Dorothy had thought up more in the
3:21:13
spirit of fun than anything else. I never wanted to speak to such a
3:21:18
gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference
3:21:20
between a real square cut emerald and one from the ten cents store, that
3:21:26
he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if
3:21:30
he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no wonder
3:21:33
he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl. So
3:21:37
then I began to cry because of all of Henry's lack of faith. So
3:21:41
then he tried to cheer me up, but I was too hurt to even
3:21:46
give him a decent word until we were past Newark. But by the time
3:21:50
we were past Newark, Henry was crying himself. And it always makes me
3:21:54
feel so tender hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him.
3:22:01
So of course, as soon as I got home, I had to
3:22:03
take them back to Cardier's. So then I explained to Henry how I wanted
3:22:07
our life to mean something, and I wanted to make the world a better
3:22:11
place than it seemed to have been yet, and I told him that he
3:22:16
knew so much about the film profession on account of censuring all of the films,
3:22:20
that I thought he ought to go into the film profession because I told
3:22:24
him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure
3:22:28
films so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations
3:22:33
and show the world what pure films were like. So Henry became very,
3:22:37
very intrigued because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then
3:22:43
I told him that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the scenarios,
3:22:48
and he to censure them, and I could act in them, and
3:22:50
by the time we all got through, they would be a work of art,
3:22:54
but they would be even purer than most works of art seemed to be.
3:23:00
So by the time we got to Philadelphia, Henry said that he would
3:23:03
do it, but he really did not think I ought to act in them.
3:23:07
But I told him, from what I had seen of society women trying
3:23:11
to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so
3:23:15
des class a if one of them really landed. So I even talked him
3:23:18
into that. So when we got to Henry's country estate. We told all
3:23:24
of Henry's family and they were all delighted because it is the first time since
3:23:28
the war that Henry's family have had anything definite to put their minds on.
3:23:33
I mean, Henry's sister really jumped at the idea because she said she would
3:23:37
take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bedrock figure. So
3:23:43
I even promised Henri's mother that she could act in the films. I mean,
3:23:46
I even believed that we could put in a close up of her from
3:23:48
time to time, because after all, nearly every photoplay has to have some
3:23:54
comedy relief. And I promised Henry's father that we would wheel him through the
3:23:58
studio and let him look at all of the actresses, and he nearly had
3:24:03
another relapse. So then I called up mister Montrose and made an appointment with
3:24:09
him to meet Henry and talk it all over, and mister Montrose said,
3:24:13
bless you, little woman. So I am almost beginning to believe it when
3:24:18
everybody says I am nothing but sunshine, because everybody I come into contract with
3:24:22
always seems to become happy. I mean, with the exception of mister Eisman,
3:24:28
because when I got back to New York, I opened all of his
3:24:31
cablegrams and I realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very
3:24:37
next day. So I met him at the Aquitania and I took him to
3:24:41
luncheon at the Ritz, and I told him all about everything. So then
3:24:46
he became very, very depressed because he said that just as soon as he
3:24:50
had got me all educated, I had to go off and get married.
3:24:54
But I told him that he really ought to be very proud of me,
3:24:58
because in the future when he would see me at luncheon at the Ritz as
3:25:01
the wife of the famous Henry H. Spofford, I would always bow to
3:25:05
him if I saw him, and he could point me out to all of
3:25:09
his friends and tell them that it was he Gus Eisman himself who educated me
3:25:15
up to my station. So that really cheered mister Eisman up a lot.
3:25:20
And I really do not care what he says to his friends, because after
3:25:24
all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to
3:25:28
them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all
3:25:33
over, I really think that even if mister Eisman was not so happy,
3:25:37
he could not help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when
3:25:41
he thinks of all my shopping. So after that came my wedding, and
3:25:46
all of the society people in New York and Philadelphia came to my wedding,
3:25:52
and they were all so sweet to me because practically every one of them has
3:25:56
written a scenario. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful.
3:26:01
I mean even Dorothy said it was very beautiful. Only Dorothy said she had
3:26:05
to concentrate her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing
3:26:09
right out loud in everybody's face. But that only shows that not even matrimony
3:26:15
is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was over,
3:26:20
I overheard Dorothy talking to mister Montrose, and she was telling mister Montrose that
3:26:24
she thought I would be great in the movies if he would write me apart
3:26:28
that only had three expressions joy, sorrow, and indigestion. So I do
3:26:35
not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend after all. So Henry
3:26:39
and I did not go on any honeymoon because I told Henry that it really
3:26:43
would be selfish for us to go off alone together when all of our activities
3:26:48
seemed to need us so much, because after all, I have to spend
3:26:52
quite a lot of time with mister Montrose going over the scenario together, because
3:26:56
mister Montrose says, I am full of nothing so much as if ideas.
3:27:01
So in order to give Henry something to do while mister Montrose and I are
3:27:05
working on the scenario, I got Henry to organize a welfare league among all
3:27:09
of the extra girls and get them to tell him all of their problems so
3:27:13
he can give them all of his spiritual aid. And it has really been
3:27:18
a very very great success because there is not much work going on at the
3:27:22
other studios at present, so all of the extra girls have nothing better to
3:27:26
do, and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at
3:27:30
our studio unless they belong, so the worse they tell Henry they have been
3:27:35
before they met him, the better he likes it. And Dorothy says that
3:27:39
she was at the studio yesterday, and she says that if the scenarios those
3:27:43
extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry could only be screened and gotten
3:27:48
past the censors, the movies would move right up out of their infancy.
3:27:52
So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him,
3:27:56
and he has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems
3:28:00
as if everyone I know has never been so happy in their lives. Because
3:28:05
I make Henry let his father come to the studio every day, because after
3:28:09
all, every studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest,
3:28:13
and in our case, it might as well be Henry's father. So I
3:28:16
have given orders to all of the electricians not to drop any lights on him,
3:28:22
but to let him have a good time, because after all, it
3:28:24
is the first one he has had. And as far as Henry's mother is
3:28:28
concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and her face lifted, and is
3:28:33
getting ready to play Carmen because she saw a girl called Madame Calve play it
3:28:37
when she was on her honeymoon, and she has always really felt that she
3:28:43
could do it better. So I do not discourage her, but I let
3:28:46
her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to bother to
3:28:50
speak to the electricians about Henry's mother. And Henry's sister has never been so
3:28:56
happy since the Battle of Verda because she has six and fifteen horses to look
3:29:01
after, and she says that the motion picture profession is the nearest thing to
3:29:05
war that she has struck since the armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy,
3:29:11
because Dorothy says that she has had more laughs in this month than any
3:29:15
cantour gets in a year. And when it comes to mister Montrose, I
3:29:20
really believe that he is happier than anybody else because of all the understanding and
3:29:24
sympathy he seems to get out of me. And so I am very happy
3:29:30
myself, because after all, the greatest thing in life is to always be
3:29:33
making everybody else happy, and so while everybody is so happy, I really
3:29:39
think it is a good time to finish my diary, because after all,
3:29:45
I am too busy going over my scenarios with mister Montrose to keep up any
3:29:48
other kind of literary work, and I am so busy bringing sunshine into the
3:29:54
life of Henry that I really think, with everything else I seem to accomplish,
3:30:00
it is all a girl had ought to try to do. And so
3:30:03
I really think that I can say good bye to my diary feeling that after
3:30:07
all, everything always turns out for the best,