Latest / INSPIRE STORY / Transforming Grief into Grace_ Gratitude_ and Growth

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Transforming Grief into Grace_ Gratitude_ and Growth · INSPIRE STORY

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Speaker 1: My husband called. I said, what's going on? Because you
0:02
have to get up. Your mother's been shot, But it
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means she's been shot. Everything that I had known for
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fifty three years, I felt that it was just pulled
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out from underneath filmmaker, activists, and former US ambassador. This
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is her new Welcome Nicole Hey, Thank you forgiveness for me.
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Was I am casting these burdens of anger and shame
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and doubt and disappointment and fury because I was furious.
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I hold on to these feelings. I'm going to sink myself.
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Speaker 2: Before we jump into this episode, I'd like to invite
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you to join this community to hear more interviews that
0:36
will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. All
0:40
I want you to do is click on the subscribe button.
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I love your support. It's incredible to see all your comments,
0:45
and we're just getting started. I can't wait to go
0:48
on this journey with you. Thank you so much for subscribing.
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It means the world to me.
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Speaker 1: The best selling author on the host the number one
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healthy wellness podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty.
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Speaker 2: Everyone, and welcome back to On Purpose, to number one
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health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
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one of you who come back every week to become happier, healthier,
1:09
and more healed. And I'm so grateful because on this platform,
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I get to sit down with people with remarkable stories,
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incredible experiences, people who've been through challenges and hardships that
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we can all relate to and hopefully extract lessons, principles,
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blessings and insights from so that we too can help
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heal our hearts and lives. Today's guest is a dear friend,
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someone who I have connected with that really special moments,
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and someone that I'm really excited to share her story,
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her love, her work with you. Today I'm speaking about
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Ambassador Nicole Avan, who served as the thirteenth US Ambassador
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to the Bahamas after being nominated by President Obama and
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unanimously confirmed by the US Senate, becoming the youngest as
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well as the first African American woman to hold the position. Today,
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we're talking about her new book that's out called Think
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You'll Be Happy Moving Through Grief with Grit, Grace and Gratitude.
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And Nicole kindly allowed my testimonial to be here so
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you know how much I endorsed this book. I recommend
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a lot of books, but this is a book that
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I've realized I needed more in my life because of
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how many people I have in my life that are
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losing people that they love. And I now finally have
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the book to encourage people to read and receive in
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their life to know how to honor the people they love.
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Please welcome to On Purpose, Nicole Evan. Nicole, thank you,
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thank you for being here.
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Speaker 1: Beautiful introduction. I'm very honored. Thank you.
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Speaker 2: No, it's from the hatay to be here now, Nicole.
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I mean, I mean what I said, and I was
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just saying it to you a few moments ago, and
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I wanted to repeat it for my community. I'm so
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grateful you wrote this book because honoring the people that
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we love, remembering what they taught us, what we gained
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from them, and then passing it on is, without a doubt,
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one of the greatest acts of service that we could
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possibly ever do, not just to that individual, but to humanity. Yes,
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and I was so touched not only by you sharing
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this with me earlier when the writing process was happening,
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but you trusting me to be a part of this
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journey with you because it's so deeply important to you,
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and it's so deeply intimate and close to you, and
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so I couldn't be more thankful and grateful. So thank
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you so much.
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Speaker 1: Well, thank you for taking the time while you were
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on your book tour. And I'm sending you first draft,
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second draft, Jay, what do you think about this? And
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you took the time to read it. And again, that
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is a part of showing up for people, which I've
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been talking about about this book of you know, my
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mom really her superpower was really showing up for people.
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And I think we're all forgetting I think when we
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all like things on Instagram and all this, that that's
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showing up for someone. But that's you know, the icing
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of showing up, but the cake of showing up, of
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really taking the time out for somebody, whether you feel
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like it or not, whether you have time or not.
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But it's honoring somebody else's soul because not all of
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us are on the same soul journey. No, we're not
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all going through the same thing at the same time.
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And so I thank you for giving me the encouragement
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to keep writing and to finally get this book done. Absolutely,
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and it feels great.
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Speaker 2: I know, I'm so glad that we're finally Yes, I know,
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and Nicole, I want to take a moment before I
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dive in. I have so many questions I want to
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ask you today, and so many questions I'm excited to
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ask you. But I want to say a big thank you,
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because people show up in our lives in different ways,
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and towards the early stages of my career, I was
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wonderfully invited by Jennifer Aniston to a home to give
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a short presentation and you were in the audience that day.
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It was only a small group of people, and we
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instantly connected, and I remember your enthusiasm for my work
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and your energy for my work was so reassuring. You
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showed up for me without even knowing it, maybe, but
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it was so beautiful to have such a real interaction.
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You know, you can have people say that was wonderful,
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that was nice, But when you were sharing your thoughts
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and your feedback and the energy I felt from your
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words were so deeply encouraging when I probably needed them most.
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So I just want to thank you for showing up.
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Speaker 1: I'm happy to hear that. I remember. I remember sitting
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where I remember exactly where I was sitting, and then
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standing and I remember affirming you the whole time, like
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nodding up and down, because that was it was a
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small group, but it was an intimidating group of people
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to be in front of. And you were fantastic. And
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what I thought in that moment was, finally, somebody is
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really coming out and talking about the human spirit and
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the soul and our energy and who we really are
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as people, as just not what we do, but who
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we are. And I think that conversation has been missing
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in society. And I was so happy that it was you,
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and I thought it was perfect. I said, this is
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exactly what we need. And I was not surprised by
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everything that has happened for you. I said, of course
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has happened, you know. And even my husband ted when
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I told him I was coming on the podcast, he said,
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isn't it phenomenal? Think about it, how you started this
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journey with Jay before he even put out anything, and
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look at him. I mean, you're all over the world.
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You're helping heal people, You're helping souls repair, which I
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think a lot of us forget that our souls on
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our soul journey are going to need to go into
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repair sometimes. And none of us want to go into repair.
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But there's no way you're going to be on the
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earth and not have to go into repair. Sometimes, beautiful,
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we just you know, we just do like and I
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say to people, how you doing after this? I'm in repair.
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I'm in repair. I am allowing my friends to heal me,
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life to heal me, circumstances to heal me. But I
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am in repair. We have to make it okay to
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be able to say and own I'm in repair. I'm
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still going to show up, but I'm in repair.
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Speaker 2: What a beautifully beautiful way of putting it, Nicole. I
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want to dive in, and I want to start by
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asking you, what is your earliest childed memory or your
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most memorable experience as a child that you think has
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defined who you are today.
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Speaker 1: Well, there's a couple of things. One, my mom was
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very open to various scriptures around the world, so it
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didn't matter if it was a Hindu scripture or a
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Buddhist scripture, whatever it was Christian scripture. She loved the
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idea of understanding energy, your thoughts, your words, and everything
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how it helps create and shape your reality. And I
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remember specifically there was one time my godfather Quincy gave
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me a book and it was called creative Visualization. Now,
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granted I was older at this time, I wasn't a child,
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but I'm just going to this right now. Is that
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it was everything my mom had said, but I found
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it on paper and someone was saying no, And then
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I started doing it. I started saying, Oh, okay, if
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I really say this all the time, this is going
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to happen. But I did notice my energy shift and
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I did start to understand how the universe works. No,
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we can't control every single situation. We are in control
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of how we respond to it. But I think one
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of the earliest things that I learned, the most important
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life lesson, was that we are all here to share
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our blessings. I learned that firsthand as a young child
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who realized with all these people, yes, they might have
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been very successful and very famous, but the difference with
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the group that I had was that it was never
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about them. It was always about how are we going
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to move people forward. We have this door that has
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been open for us, and our job is to make
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sure we keep the door open for other people. And
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the power that I got from that was there is
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such a power in helping people get to where they
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want to be, help them on their soul evolution. And
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that has to do with being unselfish and aware and
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focused on progress, moving energy forward and not staying stagnant
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and not feeling that, oh if Jay gets this or
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so and so gets this, then I'm going to get nothing. No,
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it's there. Was The lesson I learned was there is
9:48
enough to go around for everybody, because everybody is on
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a different soul path and everybody has their own mission.
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No one can take it away from any of us.
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No one They can try to come in and steer
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you off course. But Jay Shetty is Jay Shetty in
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this lifetime. There is no other Ja Shetty. There is
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no other Nicole Amant. There's one of all of us.
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And we get to do what we choose to do,
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and who we want to be is even more important
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than what we do. But who we want to be
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on this planet? Who? What do we want people to say?
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Because believe me that Another thing I've learned now after
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my parents have gone is you know, everyone says, you know,
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you don't take anything with you. We know that technically,
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but when you really see it, I have everything everything's
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still there. My parents didn't take one possession with them.
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But the beauty is is that everybody they left their character,
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they left their stamp on humanity. People smile when they
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hear their names, people say thank you, People write me
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letters about how they change their lives. So all of
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this comes into the lesson that I learned is that
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everyone's significant and everyone's energy can help each other move
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to where we need to be.
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Speaker 2: M Yeah, those famous words again, which we've heard many times,
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but you've experienced this and you feel it. And I
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want to talk about some of the honorings that you
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received for your parents. But Maya Angelou who said that
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people will forget what you did, people will forget what
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you said, but people will never forget how you made
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them feel. And we say this, we repeat it, you
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see it on Instagram. But then you've probably experienced that
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very deeply, that people have not forgotten how your parents
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made them feel.
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Speaker 1: That's exactly it, how they made them feel, and it's
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through the small actions. It's the note, it's the phone call,
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it's the text, it's the email. I'm checking in on you.
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I want you to know I love you. I've been
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thinking about you. These are all things that I've had
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to relearn of. Oh this is important. It's not just
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about me and my feelings and what I'm going through.
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I have people that I'm on my journey with that
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need check ins, that I need to say, Hey, I'm
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just thinking about you. I know you're you're traveling, and
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I know you you know things are going well in
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your life, but I just want you to know I'm
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thinking about you. Those little things mean everything. They mean
12:15
everything because you're not alone, and you want to feel
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as if you are important to somebody. You want to
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feel that you're significant. You want to feel that you're seen.
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You know, you want to feel that someone. You want
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to That feeling of being loved changes everything.
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Speaker 2: That's what we're yearning for, all of us. For everyone
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who doesn't know, I'd love to give them the background
12:40
so we can really go deep into this conversation. You
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start this book by and I'm reading from the book.
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You receive this news, love, You've got to get up,
12:49
get dressed, and get deceits. Your mom's been shot. I
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mean every time I read that line as someone who
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didn't know your family, every time I read that line,
13:00
and I just only could put myself in those shoes
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to even try to imagine what that would feel like
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to hear. Don't have you can't, you can't. It's something
13:14
that you've either been through you haven't, and so you
13:16
can't fully empathize, you can't fully understand. You can't no
13:20
matter how hard you try. I cannot imagine how difficult
13:23
that is. Walk us through that moment so that our
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audience can come with you on this journey, as we
13:29
extrapolated after it.
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Speaker 1: So, my husband had called me. It was early in
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the morning, round two thirty, and my phone had been
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ringing and I didn't hear it. My brother had been
13:38
calling and I and then you know how your intuition
13:41
gets you up. Something told me to get up, and
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I just happened to roll over. I looked at my phone.
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I see all these miscalls from Alex and thank god
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I was looking at my phone because my husband called
13:52
again and Teddy said those words love. I'm so sorry.
13:55
You have to get up. I said, what's going on?
13:57
Because you have to get up. Your mother's been shot.
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You have to get to see. What do you mean
14:01
she's been shot? What are you talking about? So then
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I'm thinking, oh, it must be eight o'clock at night.
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I was so from that moment, I went into a
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whole different spear almost. I just don't know where I was.
14:13
And I said, what are you talking about? Where was she?
14:15
And I was asking Teddy all these questions, and he said, Nicole,
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you have to get to the hospital. I don't have
14:21
any answers. I just got this call. I'll meet you there.
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And thank god, he was in Los Angeles. He was
14:26
on a work retreat, but he wasn't far Jay. I froze,
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my knees buckled a little bit, and then my heart
14:35
rate just starts going, and I'm thinking, wait, what, And
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I remember, you know, our dogs sleep in the room,
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and I'm looking at these two sweet souls, and you know,
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dogs pick up on everything, so they immediately jump on me,
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kissing me, looking at me. And I just remember getting
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dressed quickly, getting dog food out, feeding the dogs, leaving
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the door open for them going out the back. My
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life changed. I knew, whatever the outcome was at the hospital,
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that my life had changed forever. That if my mom
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survived this, which I was praying for, that she was
15:09
eighty one when this happened, that okay, this is so
15:14
traumatic that I don't know if she's going to be
15:17
able to function emotionally after this or anything. So I'm
15:21
driving and I'm on my way to the hospital, and
15:24
you know, everything's energy to me, and I have all
15:26
green lights, and the last one I remember, I was
15:28
turning right on San Facente and it started flickering and
15:32
I just started for myself. I just started talking. I said, Mom, Mom,
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if you can hear me, I don't know what's happened.
15:39
I know you've been shot. I don't know by whom,
15:41
I don't know where, I don't know anything. But I'm
15:44
on my way and I don't know how hard you're
15:47
finding or what happened. But you don't have to come
15:49
back if you can't, you know. I just all these
15:51
thoughts just and I and I remember saying, I'll take
15:54
I'll take care of dad, I'll take care of everything.
15:58
I think I was saying that jab because she always
16:01
did that for everybody else. And so there was just
16:04
this new energy flowing through me. And I don't even
16:07
know what I was talking about, but it was keeping
16:09
me sane because I had to, you know, could I
16:11
didn't know where to park. I was in the wrong building.
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I was so discombobulated. I didn't know what was happening.
16:17
And then you know, I got to the hospital and
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I was with my family and we waited, and unfortunately,
16:24
I mean, God bless her. She was eighty one. You know,
16:27
somebody had broken into her house and she happened to
16:30
be up, so she they encountered each other completely, opposite souls, completely,
16:35
but she made it to the hospital, which I love
16:37
about my mother. Of course, she did shot in the back,
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you know, with a rifle, and she made eighty one
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and makes it to the hospital, and she just didn't
16:46
make it through surgery. Everything that I had known for
16:50
fifty three years was just I felt that it was
16:54
just pulled out from under me. But then I became her.
16:58
I decided, okay, I'm what would Jackie do? You know?
17:02
And I started delegating. That's how I went into that mode.
17:04
But the shock and the trauma and the stress and
17:07
the fear, I mean, I have there were veins I
17:10
didn't even know I had because they were all It's
17:13
just it's amazing with the body how it responds to trauma.
17:16
And then I just decided that day, okay, I have
17:19
to decide who I want to be in this moment
17:22
versus what I want to do, because I kept saying, Okay,
17:25
I'm going to do this, I have to do this,
17:27
I'm going to do this. And then I looked at
17:30
myself in the mirror when I got home from the hospital,
17:32
and I said, no, no, no, Nicole, who do you want
17:34
to be in this time, in this trial, Because now
17:38
here's a trial, and this trial is here, who do
17:41
you want to be? And I just looked at myself
17:43
and I said, okay, I want to be as courageous
17:45
as possible. I want to be as peaceful as possible,
17:48
and I want to be as helpful as possible. And
17:51
I just went downstairs as that woman tended to my
17:55
father to you know, the police officers are at the house,
17:57
detectives aroughout the house. I I it was like out
18:00
of like a CSI, you know TV show. I'm like,
18:03
oh my goodness. You know how we all say one
18:05
day at a time. I tried that. I was like,
18:08
this is not one day at a time, this is
18:09
one minute at a time. This is okay, Nicole, every
18:13
five minutes, you're going to check in on yourself. Let's
18:15
just and so I knew I can get through one
18:17
minute at a time or five minutes at a time.
18:20
But when I said tomorrow I'll be better, my whole
18:22
body was like, no, no, no, I'm not going to
18:24
We can't live till tomorrow. Wow that's how heavy the
18:27
pain was. Wow, it was too much shock. It was
18:29
an energy that I'd never experienced before, because it was
18:32
such a cruel energy on such a deep level and
18:35
a violent energy that I had never experienced it. So
18:39
I found myself in new territory.
18:41
Speaker 2: I've never heard it put that well in terms of
18:46
how heavy it can be. And this idea that we
18:48
say one day at a time, I really hope that
18:53
anyone and everyone who's listening right now, who is going
18:56
through their own version, their own path of this sort
19:00
of pain, is able to simplify it to one minute
19:03
at a time, one moment at a time. So I
19:06
already deeply appreciate that. How do you think you had
19:11
this ability? And I'm assuming or guessing that it also
19:15
came from your mom that you could go upstairs and say,
19:19
I'm going to be courageous, I want to be peaceful,
19:23
i want to be helpful, Like those three words are
19:26
not accidental. They are very intentional, powerful special words courageous, peaceful,
19:35
and helpful. How did you find that clarity so quickly
19:39
which could have taken months or even years.
19:41
Speaker 1: Thank god it was my mom. She My mom was
19:45
a big believer in vibration, and she'd always used to say,
19:50
you know, your your soul emits energy, and you you
19:54
have to think of yourself as a radio tower, and
19:56
you have to think of yourself as a you know,
19:58
as a station on the or channel on the TV,
20:03
because you know, as long as you change the channels,
20:05
you'll get different vibrations. We all see that. So what
20:07
are you tuning into? She'd always said to me, what
20:10
are you tuning into? In your mind? What are you
20:12
tuning into? But she thought those those three words are
20:15
from her. She always wanted to be courageous and helpful
20:18
and kind, and those were always her intentions of how
20:22
she was going to show up in the world. And
20:24
it's interesting because she used to say to me, courage
20:28
isn't not being afraid, it's being afraid. And you do
20:33
it anyway, you do it anyway, You do the thing
20:36
you're afraid of while you're afraid, and that's when you're
20:39
courageous and it's so true. So I just decided, Okay,
20:43
I have no idea what's happening, and I'm very afraid,
20:47
but I'm not going to turn my back to it.
20:50
I'm going to go through it. I'm not going to
20:52
have necessarily get through this. I never put that pressure,
20:55
but I am going to walk through this season. I
20:58
am going to walk through this channel challenge with as
21:01
much grace as possible.
21:03
Speaker 2: To the best of your ability. And thank you so
21:05
much for recounting that for our audience, And of course,
21:07
as I've said to everyone, I highly recommend you get
21:10
this book because not only is it, of course in
21:13
a cold story, I feel what Nicole does exceptionally well
21:16
is through and you can tell already from the way
21:18
she speaks. And for those of you are listening and watching, Nicole,
21:22
you have this way of bringing us on this journey
21:25
with you, but also giving us these steps and insights
21:31
along the way of how to honor people that we love,
21:33
how to learn from them, how to just what you
21:35
just said now, I think this idea of becoming and
21:39
being the people we lose is the most beautiful way
21:45
for them to continue to live with us. And through
21:48
us and live on.
21:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, I listened to. Part of another healing step for
21:53
me was listening to her favorite music every day. I thought, Okay,
21:57
what did mom love? What music did she love? What
22:00
flowers did she love? Anything that she loved? I put
22:04
around me if I could so, the orchids that she loved,
22:07
this certain color that she loved. I ordered them and
22:10
made sure I looked at them every day because when
22:11
I looked at them, it reminded me of her, and
22:13
I smiled, and it helped heal my heart, you know.
22:17
And listening to the music, because music was so healing,
22:19
and it is so healing, and so I listened to
22:22
all her you know, she loved Johnny Mathis, and she
22:25
loved the Commodores and the Beeges, and she loved really
22:28
eat like Gordon Lightfoot. She loved really easy kind music.
22:35
And it did help me become more of her. It
22:39
was really helpful. And a lot of rituals, you know.
22:42
She loved taking baths and my mom loved that. And
22:44
my mom was always get the magnesium, get the salt,
22:48
and get whatever it doesn't have to be fancy, get
22:51
in the water. You know, she was such a pissies,
22:54
and I'm born on her birthday, so she was always
22:56
you know, take a bath, soak it out, you know, talking,
22:59
and I I started doing those things. So at night,
23:02
I would take a bath, and I started to talk
23:05
to her as if she was there, as if I
23:09
could hear her, even if I couldn't. I didn't need
23:11
to hear anything. And it wasn't even about so much
23:13
feeling anything, but I needed to express myself. And it
23:19
was very healing for me to act as if she
23:23
was listening and that she could hear me. Whether she
23:25
could or not, it was the act of doing it
23:28
for myself, which was very healing.
23:30
Speaker 2: That's so reassuring to hear. I was speaking to a
23:33
friend the other day about their loss and they lost
23:36
a parent very recently, and I recommended your book because
23:42
I really really do believe that is my go to
23:46
recommendation when people have this experience. And they were talking
23:50
to me, they said, you know, if my mom was
23:52
here right now, she'd laugh at this and she'd do this,
23:55
and I was like, that's it. I was like, you know,
23:57
and it's wonderful hearing from you. I was like, that's like,
24:00
you know how your moms respond to what you would say,
24:04
or you know that when you love someone so deeply
24:07
and so that doesn't have to disappear. It doesn't have
24:12
to stop.
24:13
Speaker 1: No, it does not. That's a really good point. It
24:16
does not have to stop. It changes form, the energy
24:20
changes form, but the energy is there. You know, we're
24:23
spirits in the material world. So we're spirits in the
24:26
material world, and everything is everlasting and the soul never dies,
24:30
and we all know that. If you believe that, then yeah,
24:34
she's in a different form, but she's still around and
24:39
her energy is with me. I feel her now stronger
24:43
than I ever did before. I really do. I really
24:46
feel her presence much stronger. And even writing the book,
24:51
because you know, she wanted to be a book editor,
24:53
and there were certain drafts I was doing and I
24:55
just put the pen down there. And there was one
24:58
night and I had a dream and it was I
25:00
just saw her red nails typing on the typewriter. And
25:03
I had asked myself before I went to sleep, I
25:05
wonder if I should change that paragraph, rewrite it and
25:09
move it up. And I took it as a sign,
25:11
which I did, and I did move the paragraph. But
25:13
as soon as I saw her nails, her fingernails on
25:16
the keypad. But thank you, mom, I'm going to move that.
25:19
Thank you for editing. You're still editing in my life.
25:22
You are still working, and it's just a different form
25:26
of energy. And my girlfriend wrote me a beautiful letter
25:30
and she said, remember, the best way to honor anyone
25:35
you've loved, but especially your parents, is to live a full,
25:41
significant life. You owe them a life. That's the only
25:45
thing you owe them is to live, because that is
25:49
the best way to honor them. Is if they've taught
25:52
you great things and given you great lessons and given
25:55
you tools, go on and carry the baton. And even
25:59
for the ones who don't. Let's say you don't have
26:01
parents that were good to you. Because that happens, and
26:04
you don't have parents that show up for you, you can
26:06
choose to be different than they were and show up
26:09
as a completely different type of human being in the world.
26:12
I've seen it, you've seen it, I've seen I've heard
26:15
about I've heard horrific stories about abuse and trauma and neglect.
26:21
And these young people have chosen to be very different
26:26
from what they receive from their parents. And I have
26:29
such respect for that because that's hard. It's hard to
26:34
carry on a memory if your memories are terrible. And
26:38
when that happens, then your job now is to I
26:41
have to create new memories.
26:42
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, people by their actions are either showing us
26:46
how to live or how not.
26:49
Speaker 1: To live, or how not to live.
26:50
Speaker 2: And oh yeah, I can definitely identify with that. With
26:54
the home I grew up in, I was just taking
26:56
notes to my whole life of how not to be
26:59
a dad, to be a husband, how not to be
27:03
a person in the workplace, how not to be a family.
27:06
Speaker 1: Especially in the workplace. I mean, yeah, I had people
27:10
around me all the time where I would say, okay,
27:13
so when I when I'm older and I'm working and
27:15
i have this position, I'm definitely not going to be
27:17
like that. And then there were certain people where I'd
27:20
take notes and I'd say, I want to be just
27:22
like Carol. She's great, she's so helpful, she's so patient's
27:26
you know, and then serving. I mean I was a
27:27
waitress for a long time. My parents had me work,
27:30
you know, since I was ten and thirteen, and just
27:32
on and on and on. I sold shoes, I worked
27:35
at a dry cleaner, I did my mom would say,
27:37
I'm throwing you into these experiences because to your point,
27:42
people will show you who they are and you can
27:44
learn how you want to be. But the only way
27:47
you do that is when you're in interaction with others,
27:51
and gosh, especially serving people. You see, I saw the
27:56
best of people, and I saw the worst of people.
27:59
I was either completely just non existent, or somebody took
28:05
the time to be really kind and smile at me
28:08
and ask me how I was. And so you become
28:10
very sensitive to it.
28:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
28:12
Speaker 1: And Tony and Sarah. You know my stepkids with Ted,
28:15
they they're the same. Sarah. I threw her into waitressing
28:18
and she said, my gosh, some people don't even see me.
28:23
I'm nobody to them. And I said, now you know,
28:26
and now she's very sensitive as a young adult when
28:28
we go to restaurants. Did you make sure you tip this?
28:31
Did you make sure I she looks at the waitress
28:33
and waiters all the time. She looks at every server.
28:34
How are you? What was your day? How are you?
28:37
I mean, she's so engaged. But to your point, because
28:40
she's experienced the opposite, and she took notes, I don't
28:45
want to be like that.
28:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, So beautiful. I was reminded as you were talking
28:49
about you said this beautiful statement of you know, we're
28:53
spirits in the material world having this experience, and therefore
28:56
energy lives on and there's this beautiful mess that you receive.
29:01
You say, I'm reading from your book if you don't mind,
29:03
if that's okay. So this is page fifty three for
29:05
those who are reading along with us and think you'll
29:08
be happy. And you say, a few days after my
29:13
mother died, Pharrell Williams callt He's like a brother to me,
29:16
he's family, and he says, we're going to celebrate your mum.
29:21
He said, we're going to celebrate her legacy. She's a
29:24
big deal and we're not going to let anyone forget her.
29:27
She created a life worth talking about. Do you realize
29:31
that hundreds of thousands of babies were born around the
29:33
world the day she passed over. There are one hundred
29:37
and forty million are years all around the world. Life
29:40
is always continuing, Nicole, and you must continue her life
29:44
by living yours to the fullest. And he concluded, God
29:47
is still the greatest. And you said that for our
29:50
says this all the time, through good or bad times,
29:53
and He's right, God is still the greatest. What I
29:56
find really unique about your journey Nicole as well, is
29:59
that you are able to keep and strengthen your faith
30:02
in your own spirituality in the way you practice it
30:06
at a time when it's very natural. And I would
30:10
never judge anyone if it would actually.
30:12
Speaker 1: Veer them a way, right and just say.
30:15
Speaker 2: No, no, exactly, Yeah, what do you mean?
30:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've been so good and I've had so much faith,
30:21
and how can this happen? You know? And as I
30:24
say in the book, it's like why not us? It
30:26
tragedies and trials and everything it happens to, you know,
30:30
as it says in script you know, it rains on
30:31
the just, and it rains on the unjust. It's everyone
30:34
kind of gets hammered. But it goes to the power
30:37
of choice. For me, and the reason that I grew
30:40
stronger in my faith as opposed to leaving it is
30:44
because I really do believe that the universe has kind
30:47
of laid it all out. Life has laid it out
30:50
various scripture, you know, your Buddhist script everything is laid
30:53
it out, which says here it is you're on this earth,
30:58
and it kind of here here's how you played this game.
31:01
But these things were not gonna lie. These things will
31:03
show up. But the power of free will, which my
31:07
mom always reminded me about, is that you know, listen,
31:10
we as human beings do have free will. We have
31:13
the freedom to choose how we're going to live, choose
31:16
how we're going to think. As opposed to any other animal,
31:20
you know, they don't have the power of imagination and choice.
31:23
We do. So to blame the creator for the choices
31:29
that people make is not something that I wanted to
31:32
subscribe to. I was like, I'm not even going there.
31:35
People make choices all the time. I see it every day.
31:37
We all do. People who have had the worst childhoods
31:40
make great choices, have great lives. I've seen people who
31:43
I grew up with in a very affluent neighborhood make
31:45
the worst choices and had nothing to do with their environment.
31:51
It was their choice. So I wanted to stay my faith.
31:55
For me, really was believing in something that is so
32:00
much bigger and greater than me that you know swing.
32:04
You know, the stars come out at night. I'm not
32:06
in control of that. The earth is spinning, That's not
32:09
my power. You know, the birds wake up every morning,
32:11
the sun is up, the sun goes down. That's a
32:13
power that is Yes, I'm a part of that and
32:16
I'm connected to it, but I did I'm not the creator,
32:20
and so I just decided to lean in more with
32:26
that power and just say, Okay, I accept this. I
32:32
don't understand it. I may never understand it, but I
32:37
still do love life, and I still do believe in
32:40
life and the goodness of people and the goodness of life.
32:45
And I don't want to get bitter. That was my
32:47
mate ja. I was so afraid of becoming a bitter person.
32:51
And I could feel the root. I could feel, I
32:54
could feel it starting, and I was like, no, no, no, no,
32:57
I got to get rid of this. I And that's
33:00
where I just went into the forgiveness of not condoning
33:04
the behavior, not saying oh, it's okay that this happened,
33:08
and making an excuse forgiveness for me, was I am
33:11
casting this burden or these burdens of anger and shame
33:14
and doubt and disappointment and frustration and fury, Because I
33:19
was furious, and I thought, but if I hold on
33:22
to these feelings, I'm going to sink myself and I'm
33:27
not giving anyone the power to take me out now.
33:32
I'm not doing that. So I'm going to stand in
33:34
my faith. I'm going to believe in what I believe in,
33:37
and I'm going to believe in life, and I am
33:39
going to I choose to believe that things will get better.
33:43
I don't know when, and I don't know how. I
33:45
didn't care, but I knew that they would and I believe.
33:47
And I'm a big believer in tomorrow. I love tomorrow.
33:50
I do, I really do. I'm always saying okay, because
33:52
if I don't get it right, I'm like, oh, there's
33:53
always tomorrow, and it keeps me hopeful. Tomorrow keeps me hopeful.
33:59
I don't try to stay out of the present, but
34:01
I do look forward. You know, my mom always just
34:03
to say you have to have something to look forward to,
34:06
because otherwise you if you don't train your mind to
34:10
And I'd say, well, I have nothing coming up that
34:11
I'm looking forward to, and she used to say, make
34:13
it up, make it up. Pretend you have some partner,
34:17
Pretend you have some whatever it is, that something that's
34:20
going to make your heart smile. Because we can all
34:23
fall into despair very quickly.
34:26
Speaker 2: I love that. That just brought a massive smile to us.
34:28
It's so beautiful how how someone's energy and spoke can
34:31
be so big that it can, you know, truly live
34:34
on and and truly truly be fought and shared. It's Yeah,
34:37
there's this beautiful line that you share from your friend
34:41
Penny who says, grief is the receipt from the universe
34:46
showing that you loved someone or something and loved them
34:50
very deeply.
34:50
Speaker 1: It's not the best. When she reminded me of that,
34:53
I said, okay, wait, say it again. I have to
34:55
write this down. Say it again. That is so good.
34:58
But she said, baby, that's what it is. It's a receipt.
35:02
And it could be a mother, a father, a sister,
35:04
a brother, a dog, cat, whatever, something that you love
35:08
that is no longer there, that has changed form, even
35:11
if it's the most peaceful transition, the grief is proof
35:17
that you loved. You know, the grief is most of
35:21
the time, and there's a lot of grief also where
35:22
there's regrets and all that. I understand that and I
35:26
respect all forms of grief, but it is it's a receipt.
35:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, a receipt that you loved, and you were loved,
35:33
and I was loved deeply, deeply. This one line in
35:37
the book, you really I just felt it was perspective
35:41
shifting in a way that oh, I just I just
35:45
feel like that statement, just like you know, you just
35:47
embodied and captured everything. And you said that even though
35:52
your mother's death was shocking, her life was beautiful. So
35:56
you imagine, even though the end was so terrible, her
36:00
life was beautiful. And that's what you're celebrating, that's what
36:03
you're putting emphasis and focus and your light on. And
36:08
I find that's very difficult because when we lose someone,
36:11
it's so easy and natural again and normal, And that's
36:14
when it's normal for us to obsess over how we
36:17
lost someone and how we left them, which is the
36:19
shortest amount of time we actually experienced them most mostly,
36:24
but we have all of this time. But the brain
36:26
and our memory and our mind is so good at
36:30
just fixating on the end.
36:31
Speaker 1: The end and not the life. Yeah was yeah, and
36:35
not the life. And I had to get to the end.
36:38
So I used to say, but but but, and then
36:40
I realized, wait, I can have both. This is shocking
36:44
and terrible and hurtful and I'm going to celebrate her
36:49
life and I'm going to think of the good times
36:51
and I'm going to try and think of all the
36:54
great memories that will bring a smile to my face.
36:56
So it was no longer a butt and once I
36:59
changed but to and I didn't have to choose which one.
37:04
I was going to do both and move through life
37:06
with the shock and the trauma and the stress and
37:10
the beauty of her life, the beauty of how she lived,
37:13
the energy of what she gave. So I was I
37:16
was moving with all energies and it was only until
37:20
I shifted because I was definitely in that. But this happened.
37:23
So I don't know how I could ever smile again.
37:26
But this happened, and it was so tragic. And then
37:29
as soon as I said, this happened and it's tragic,
37:33
and I'm going to think positively, I'm going to think constructively.
37:38
You know, my dad always used to say to me, girl,
37:40
keep your mind right, keep your mind right, crucify your mind.
37:44
Every day. You got to keep your mind right, And
37:47
so that really helped me, you know. And that my
37:51
friend TD Jake's had called me and he said, I
37:55
understand you're angry, of course it's normal to be angry
37:58
and all the things you're feeling. But I have a
38:01
question for you. Do you want your focus to be
38:04
on her last five minutes or are you going to
38:08
focus on the eighty one years that she lived? And
38:12
it's your choice, and you have to choose every day
38:15
which one are you going to focus on? You're going
38:17
to give him five minutes, the five minutes and the trauma,
38:21
or are you going to focus on the eighty one years?
38:24
And I remember it through all my tears on eighty
38:27
one years eights and it was but it was beautiful
38:31
because he helped me shift and I had to go
38:33
to that every day. It wasn't like he'd said it
38:35
one day and then, but every day and every time
38:38
it was very challenging for me, Jay, and every time
38:40
I did want to quit. And there were days where
38:44
I didn't stop all the time. But you know, sometimes
38:46
you have to push pause in life. And there were
38:48
days where I would lay in the bed and just
38:50
lay there and be still and think or not think
38:54
and just lay there and I but I still decided
38:59
to focus on her eighty one years and to focus
39:02
on what I loved about her, and to focus on
39:04
her contributions to life and society and other people, and
39:08
how she made people feel so powerful.
39:10
Speaker 2: That shift for me was, you know, I was like that,
39:13
I can That's something I'd like to remind myself every
39:17
day with the people that I've lost. Like that, that
39:19
really felt like a real gift, that that gem of
39:22
advice and insight think you you know, again, another natural
39:27
thing is, especially in a circumstance like this, is to
39:30
focus on how to get justice on you know, how
39:34
to make sure that the perpetrator and the person gets
39:38
what they deserve. And I found and like and that
39:41
that again is a very normal reaction. It makes sense.
39:44
How did you navigate that at the same time as
39:47
navigating grief, like walk me through that, because sometimes we
39:50
lose people naturally. This wasn't that. This was rare. So
39:54
it's an additional kind of energy direction because here you
39:59
are dealing with lost, but then you're also dealing with
40:02
an individual who's you know, acted so recklessly.
40:06
Speaker 1: Yes, and I thought, oh my god, and my father
40:09
it broke my heart one day because he said, oh boy,
40:12
because they hadn't caught him yet, and he said, and
40:16
then he was curious about that obviously and like wondering,
40:18
oh my god, this person is still around, and my
40:20
dad immediately went to other people. He wasn't just focused
40:23
on my mom. He immediately went to, Oh my gosh,
40:25
I hope this person is not hurting somebody else because
40:29
he's obviously shown he can do this. He does this.
40:33
But I still I had to present on behalf of
40:36
my mom and the family to the judge. You know
40:40
what my intention was, and it really was, listen, you know,
40:43
whatever the divine justice is going to be in this.
40:46
I'm not the divine justice here, but I will say
40:49
that my intention was, I want to make sure that
40:52
this doesn't happen to another family. I don't want this
40:55
to happen to anyone else. I don't want other people
40:58
to feel that. So if I had any little of
41:01
just stating that and making a difference, that gave me
41:04
something to live for. Actually, can I try in my
41:08
little square? Can I hopefully stop this from happening to
41:13
other people? And thank God that that he's not on
41:18
the streets, you know, because there's a lot of reckless
41:21
people on the streets and a lot of violence today
41:24
in various different forms, and it's really heavy and it's
41:29
so unnecessary, and it's cruel and unkind and and but
41:35
I like it. It's reckless.
41:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's I mean, it's horrific.
41:38
Speaker 1: It's horrific.
41:39
Speaker 2: It's reckless.
41:40
Speaker 1: But it happens to so many people in so many
41:43
different ways. And I don't think people realize, you know,
41:46
what we see the science of what it does to
41:50
families when there's a tragedy. It could be a child
41:52
drowning or a car accident or anything, and families sometimes
41:58
fall apart. And I understan why and Ted and I
42:02
had to look at each other. And I sat with
42:04
my dad and I said, listen, you're going to come
42:06
live with me. I'm never leaving you. We're going to
42:10
be Lockstep. You're gonna be my road dog wherever I go.
42:13
You're in the car with me, whatever my life is.
42:16
We're just going to merge. But I had to sit
42:19
with Ted and I had to say to him, we
42:21
had to look at each other in the eyes. I said, listen,
42:25
this is horrible, and both of us are grieving in
42:28
very different ways, but we have to make a decision
42:31
and look at each other in the eyes right now
42:34
and make a commitment to each other that we're going
42:36
to walk through this and no matter how hard this gets,
42:40
and no matter if any each of us want to bail,
42:43
I'd understand, but we're not going to. We're going to
42:46
stick this out. I've got your back, You've got my back.
42:50
We're going to be here take care of my father.
42:52
And my intention was we're going to give him a
42:55
space where he feels loved and honored and safe and scene.
43:03
And if we can do that, then we've done our job.
43:07
But we have to have a commitment because the pain
43:11
is so deep, Jay, and I see it now. I
43:14
used to read articles like why would they They had
43:16
a baby, and I understand this strategy, but why would
43:19
they divorce after that? Why would they? Oh? I get
43:21
it until you go through it, I get it because
43:24
the shock is so insane. It's your brain isn't the same,
43:29
Your heart's not the same, your brain's not the same.
43:31
Speaker 2: Yeah. And that's another reminder to us all where it's like,
43:35
if we haven't been through a experience, how not to judge,
43:39
how to take a step back, how to be compassionate.
43:41
But when I hear you being able to take a
43:44
step back, to the point of view of saying I
43:46
want to look at this from the point of view
43:48
of how this will not happen to someone else. That's
43:50
like model behavior. I mean that is that is such
43:54
an elevated spiritual space to come from that you're not
43:59
going I think this person deserves this because of what
44:02
happened to this, which would be fair, Like that would
44:05
be totally fair. There'd be nothing wrong if you fell away.
44:09
But the fact that you could come from a place
44:10
to say, actually, I just want to make sure it
44:13
doesn't happen to anyone else again. And I believe actually
44:15
after the unfortunate event at your home, like he went
44:18
off and did more that same day, right after, you
44:22
were very right to actually, yeah, have that feeling.
44:26
Speaker 1: Yes, that news was crazy.
44:28
Speaker 2: Yeah.
44:29
Speaker 1: And so one of my friends, Amy, who's in the book,
44:31
she's the one who went to the house and got
44:33
my mom's things for me, and got the Bible and
44:34
found the Christmas card, all these things. Amy shows up
44:37
at the house that afternoon and she says, I am
44:40
so sorry, I am late. I heard about your mom
44:43
this morning, but we were woken up last night by
44:46
helicopters and sirens. Right next door to my house. There
44:50
was a home invasion and it was craziness, and the
44:55
guy shot himself and there was madness and blah blah blah,
44:57
and we were all out in the streets. She's going
44:59
on and I said, really, She goes, can you believe?
45:02
In the same night it happened to your mom. She
45:05
comes over twenty four hours later. Why does a ghost
45:08
eyes wide open? And I said, what's going on? She said, uh,
45:12
remember I told you that there was a home invasion
45:16
next door to me. And I said yes. She said,
45:19
that was the same person. That was the same person
45:23
that left your mom and showed up right next door
45:26
to a best friend. Just that out of all places,
45:31
LA is pretty big. Out of all things, but the
45:34
energy and the connection and interesting enough, I had this
45:37
huge crystal that I bought from myself and I couldn't
45:41
figure out the right place to put it. And it
45:43
happened to be Amy's birthday coming up, and I was
45:46
on the phone with my mom. This was months before
45:48
she died, maybe six months before she died, and I said,
45:50
I don't know what to do with this crystal so gorgeously,
45:53
I don't have the right room. And Ted's like, what
45:54
are you doing with that big thing? And she said, well,
45:57
didn't you say you didn't know what to get Amy
45:59
for her? They why don't you give that to Amy?
46:02
I said, oh, I absolutely will. And of course she
46:04
had put it right in her backyard, on the fence
46:06
line of where this Amy just fell my mom. Everywhere.
46:12
It's just but again of how we're all connected, and
46:17
you don't even realize that out of all places. But yeah,
46:20
he did this to someone else, and that family was traumatized.
46:23
There was a young girl in the house. So I
46:25
think that also helped me knowing that story, knowing that
46:29
there was a teenage girl in the house and she
46:31
was petrified and all this and thank god nothing happened
46:34
to them, but that it is about other people too,
46:37
that this didn't just happen to us. That's why I
46:40
went to the place of Okay, there's so much trauma here.
46:44
My prayer is that it doesn't go any further.
46:47
Speaker 2: You know, I'm listening to you, and obviously I've read
46:49
the book and I'm hearing just it's almost like your mind.
46:53
You allowed your mind to naturally go to all of
46:55
the the butts, but then you've found like that tiny
47:00
crack of light and that breakthrough and you've kind of
47:03
found your way there. And for everyone who's listening, I
47:06
can see Nicole nodding, and it's like that that feeling
47:10
that we often have is like the amount of light
47:12
that shining through is so small, like the teeny right,
47:15
like the.
47:15
Speaker 1: Tiniest yeah, like litad of oh.
47:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's not because it just looks dark. And
47:21
you know, one of the biggest ones that I think
47:23
a lot of people again naturally feel, are why me,
47:28
I could have done this, I should have been there
47:30
like that can just you know, I've heard that like
47:33
destroy people inside.
47:34
Speaker 1: I was just going to use that word it will
47:36
destroy you, Yeah, it will destroy you, And I felt it,
47:39
you could feel the destruction in What did you do
47:41
with that emotion? I immediately said, you know, why not me? First?
47:44
I was like, Okay, we're human, We're in a human experience,
47:48
and bad things happen around the world to really good
47:51
people all the time. Bad things happen to bad it
47:53
it's everybody, right, you know, It's funny. My mom used
47:56
to she loved the theater, she loved stories, she loved film, television,
48:01
and song. Also because her point was each of these mediums,
48:06
most of them especially film intelligence is showing you the
48:08
hero's journey. You are the hero of your story, but
48:13
you don't go to the movie because you know the ending.
48:16
We all go and we pretty much know the ending
48:18
and the trailer, but we go because we want to
48:21
see the middle, which is the challenge, which is the butt,
48:25
which is what do I do? Am I going to survive?
48:28
The decision, the turning point, the pivot. So the pivot
48:32
for me was everything because I thought, right, Mom told
48:35
me this, like things happen. People make decisions every day.
48:39
You know, you've got laws on the books now, you know,
48:42
mothers against drunk driving, all these things. But that happened.
48:46
Those good things came from a very tragic place. And
48:52
it is looking for the light at the end of
48:54
the tunnel. It's really grasping for that light, looking even
48:59
if it's I was looking around like it's got to
49:02
be there somewhere. And some days I didn't see any light.
49:04
I have to be honest. There were some days there
49:06
was no light. I felt it, but I didn't see it.
49:08
But there were some days where I just was sitting
49:10
in darkness and sitting I felt like I was sitting
49:13
in mud and just or quicksand, and it just was heavy.
49:19
And those were the days that I thought, Okay, I've
49:23
got to now purposely look for a little light. And
49:26
I would go outside and i'd sit in my yard
49:29
and I would stare at the flower. I would sit
49:31
in nature and I would look at the trees, and
49:32
I would watch the birds, and I would watch life.
49:35
I would watch the sunsets every day. I never looked
49:38
at them every day. I took advantage. I took that
49:40
for granted. Oh there's a sunset all, you know, a
49:43
couple times a year. Oh, every day since my mom,
49:45
I would watch the sun go down. I would make
49:48
sure to watch that sun go down because it reminded
49:50
you there is a cycle of life, and the sun's
49:53
going to rise again. And if I knew the sun
49:55
was going to rise again, then I knew I was
49:57
going to rise again.
49:57
Speaker 2: You know, the more disconnected we've become from Nate, the
50:01
harder it is to acknowledge the natural transitions and the
50:05
natural seasons, the juvenations, the seasons, the the ability for
50:10
things to wither and then.
50:12
Speaker 1: Yeah and then come back, come back. And my mom died,
50:16
you know, in the it was winter. It was December
50:18
first and I remember I just trimmed back everything and
50:21
pruned everything, and everything was barren. And then I remember
50:25
in April everything that I had cut back, everything was reblooming,
50:30
showing up again, gorgeous, and it had pushed through that.
50:36
It was that harvest time. You know, there's seed time
50:38
and there's harvest, and there's this growing time. And I
50:42
understood growing pains. That's what I was like, Oh, this
50:44
is what growing paint. Well, this is what this means. Okay.
50:49
But nature helped because the seasons helped me because, like
50:53
I said, it was rainy and it was dark when
50:55
she passed, and then a few months later the sun
50:58
was coming out, the the weather changed, the flowers were out,
51:02
the hummingbirds were around, and it was a reminder of
51:06
this too, Shell pat like, things will continue and you
51:10
have to go on with life.
51:12
Speaker 2: And of course while you were writing this book, I
51:15
believe it was when it went to print. You also
51:17
lost to your father at that time, and he knew
51:19
you were writing the book.
51:20
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, he was into it. He was great. He
51:24
was pushing me to write because he knew it would
51:26
be cathartic for me. And I said, Daddy, I've been
51:29
writing this book, but mommy's died, so I'm going to
51:31
put this away. He goes, no, no, no, I want
51:33
you to write about Jackie. I want you to write
51:35
about life. I want you to write Nicole. And he
51:37
was so I was so happy to have his presence
51:41
in my home because yes, I was taking care of him,
51:44
but he was really taking care of me too. And Ted,
51:47
like you would just acknowledge he had just lost his father,
51:50
so to have a patriarch back in the house when
51:52
Ted is grieving the loss of his own father, to
51:55
have my father's energy was great. And my dad was
51:57
a real doer. I mean he was always moving and
52:00
shaking and getting things done. He never really sat down,
52:05
never really relaxed. And he said to me, you have
52:08
things to say in this book, and you'll help people, hopefully,
52:13
you know. And what I loved, He's like, this book
52:16
is about being an offering. It's not about business right now.
52:19
This is an offering, Nicole, write your book, finish your book.
52:23
Your mother would want you to finish the book. And
52:25
I said, I know, but I don't know how to
52:26
pivot this because you'll figure it out and you could
52:28
throw Jackie in there. But he did read it, and
52:31
he read five chapters for sure, and then he said
52:34
he flipped through a lot. But he was so proud
52:37
Jay because he knew his legacy and my mom's legacy
52:41
were not going to be lost. And he was a
52:44
big believer in history and legacy. And he said, every
52:49
generation has the responsibility to honor the generation before them,
52:55
of all races, of all religions, everybody who sacrificed. The
53:00
greatest way to say thank you to the people that
53:03
you will never have met you can't say thank you to,
53:06
is to honor them by taking the baton that they've
53:10
given you and live your life. That's why my dad's
53:14
big thing to me growing up was you better use
53:15
your freedom wisely. I didn't have the freedom that you have.
53:20
We're living in the same lifetime right now. I didn't
53:23
have what you have. I couldn't go to school I
53:24
wanted to go to and then go to the hospitals
53:26
I wanted to go to, couldn't get the healthcare, nothing.
53:28
I didn't have your rights, but I did not stop
53:31
because you are the promise, and you j are the promise,
53:34
like all our generation, everybody is the promise. You think
53:38
of all these wars that have been fought and all
53:41
around the world. Then it's for a freedom that the
53:44
Western world has. And war is not pretty, it's ugly,
53:48
it's unfair, all of it. It's all nothing great. But
53:51
the truth is that it has happened from the beginning
53:53
of time. So I think I love that my father
53:57
reminded me use your freedom wisely, and remember your ancestry,
54:03
remember the people who came before you, and remember that
54:06
you are the promise. You are the promise, So show up.
54:12
Speaker 2: Your parents are phenomena. Yeah, they're just.
54:14
Speaker 1: They're so it's funny because they were so opposite. I was,
54:17
I told somebody today my dad was Archie Bunker from
54:20
all the family, and my mom was Queen Cleopatra and
54:23
they but their energies got together and they made magic
54:26
and they were complete opposites.
54:28
Speaker 2: But I just love how clear they were in their
54:32
communication with you, that today their ideas are so clear
54:38
for you, and they're so coherent for you, not just
54:41
that you can repeat them. You know, when children can
54:44
repeat smart things, we get impressed, But when we become adults,
54:50
we don't get impressed by repetition. We get impressed if
54:55
someone can actually live and apply the idea, apply the
54:58
d and to be living and applying the idea in
55:00
this much at a time of such horrendous pain. That
55:06
speaks volumes to just how deeply your parents taught you
55:09
these incredible.
55:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, they really wanted to make sure I never forgot,
55:16
and it took advantage or took for granted what I had,
55:20
you know, and the blessings that I had.
55:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, there was one line in here about the blessings
55:23
that I loved, because you have an area called the
55:25
blessings of our ancestors. But no, actually there was this
55:29
is this that I wanted to pick out. This is
55:31
for anyone who's going to be reading the book as well.
55:33
This is on page ninety nine. I know now that
55:38
my parents, my mother especially truly were preparing me for
55:42
a terrible day like this. The lesson was this. It's
55:46
not about the loss and the death. It's about the life,
55:50
the dash between the dates, as my dad would say,
55:54
that there is truly the art of living. Yeah, the
55:57
fact that you believe that your parents were preparing you
56:01
for something hard and.
56:03
Speaker 1: Different, it was a subconscious knowing. But I would always
56:07
say to them, does everything have to be a lesson
56:10
to a lesson. It felt like every day I came home,
56:13
I got it. Can we just can I just go
56:15
to soccer practice and come home and eat dinner and
56:16
go to bed. And there was always a lesson. But
56:20
my dad would say, you come with a number and
56:22
you end with a number. What are you going to
56:25
do with your dash? And it was all the time.
56:29
And because they had seen so much tragedy. And my dad,
56:32
I mean, he's born in nineteen thirty one, segregated America.
56:35
He has seen his fair share of tragedy. So he
56:38
didn't want me to be ignorant to the ills of people.
56:41
He had already grown up with it. He had seen it.
56:43
He was taught do not look up in the sky
56:46
because you might see someone that you know who's lynched.
56:50
That was the world he grew up in. But the
56:52
beauty of him is that he still found a way
56:54
to look at the great things of life. He still
56:56
felt I have something to do in this life. He
56:58
still felt I'm sickificant, he still felt that I'm going
57:02
to go out and fight for my rights and fight
57:04
for the rights of other people. And so he wanted
57:07
to make sure that I didn't become complacent and so
57:11
I think a lot of their lessons of reminding me
57:13
of my history. There was so much pain or history
57:16
in general, of all people of all races. Because my
57:19
mother loved you know, you know we all say now
57:21
that cultural appropriation. She's like, it's appreciation, it's appreciation because
57:27
she she believed that you have brothers and sisters all
57:31
around the world, that you're connected energetically. They're going to
57:35
be different races, different religions, different genders, doesn't matter, You're
57:39
still connected. And they they were really big on that,
57:43
which I love. But with that came the history of
57:46
a lot of people. And so that's why I think
57:49
they were preparing me because I saw with all the
57:53
great history of every culture, there is also so much
57:57
pain and trauma that got them to the prom. And
58:01
so my mom, that's what I meant by that, that
58:03
they had prepared me because they gave me this appreciation
58:08
of every culture that has been through something horrific, and
58:12
yet they still chose to live, and they chose to
58:16
to still be good. And my mom's prescription always was
58:19
be good, do good, be good, do good. That's a
58:22
start there. She'd always say, I'm going to start there.
58:25
What do I do with this, be good and do good.
58:27
And even right after she passed away, I went to
58:30
a restaurant and the hostess was really rude and I
58:34
was still fresh in my trauma, and she said something
58:37
to somebody, and I remember I pointed my finger at her.
58:39
I go, no, hey, wait, stop that, and she said, oh,
58:43
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But even though I
58:46
was quote in the right, I walked in and I
58:49
could feel my mother inside of me saying, you don't
58:51
ever put your finger in somebody's face.
58:53
Speaker 2: Now, don't you.
58:54
Speaker 1: Ever put your finger in someone's face. So I remember
58:56
walking over to the owner of the restaurant. I said,
58:58
I'm really sorry. I just want to take ownership of this.
59:01
I did do this. I am very sorry. I have
59:04
apologized to her. It was rude and it doesn't matter
59:09
that just I just want to own this, and he thought,
59:12
you don't have to you really I go, no, I
59:15
really do, because I can feel my mother and I
59:19
do not want to be haunted by her. But I
59:22
could just hear her saying, doesn't matter how if something
59:25
an eye for an eye doesn't work. So just because
59:27
she was rude doesn't mean that you have to go
59:29
and be rude, you know, and that's what I had done.
59:32
She was rude, so I said, I'm going to get
59:33
you back, and I'm waving my finger and I could.
59:36
My mom used to say an eye for an eye
59:37
does not work. We all know that. It's proof. It
59:40
doesn't work. The karma doesn't settle. You just create more karma.
59:44
You just create more karma. Yeah, so it doesn't work.
59:48
It doesn't cancel it out. We think it's going to
59:50
cancel the karma, and all it does is make more
59:52
karma to get over.
59:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really fascinating. How I'm so glad you went there.
59:56
I feel like we were so convinced if someone does
1:00:00
something bad, then we can react however we want. We're justified,
1:00:05
but not realizing that it just creates more negative energy.
1:00:10
It doesn't perpetuate. Yeah, it creates more chaos.
1:00:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's nothing positive that comes out of an eye
1:00:15
for an eye. We think that there is, but it doesn't.
1:00:18
Speaker 2: At the start of this interview, Nicole, you said you're
1:00:20
in repair. I love that word. I think we're all
1:00:23
at the workshop. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, getting repair
1:00:29
done and you know, being renewed and refueled in so
1:00:32
many different ways, and I do you still cry?
1:00:36
Speaker 1: Yes a lot. Just the other day I saw something
1:00:40
and it reminded me just right there. It was this
1:00:43
dragon all a bunch of dragonflies. It was like a beehive,
1:00:46
and I've never seen that before, and my mom loved dragonflies.
1:00:50
And I when I tell you, I burst into tears,
1:00:54
but deep cry like melly cry, and I do cry
1:00:57
a lot, but it's helpful for me because I've noticed
1:01:00
the times where I want to stop crying, like, oh, Nicole,
1:01:02
it's been twenty months, stop crying. No, it's and it
1:01:06
does release. It's a release. And that's why I think
1:01:10
that the creator gave us the ability to cry, to
1:01:13
move that emotion, to get that emotion out, and to
1:01:17
honor the emotion, to look at it for what it is.
1:01:20
Because until I cry, I don't really know how I
1:01:22
feel about things. Until I do cry, and then I realize, oh,
1:01:26
that really did make me feel this way, or it
1:01:28
did hurt me. I didn't realize how much that hurt
1:01:30
me until the tears come.
1:01:32
Speaker 2: I'm so so yeah.
1:01:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, the crying is important. And I actually will play
1:01:38
music sometimes that I know will make me cry if
1:01:41
i'm feeling stuck. And I know that as soon as
1:01:44
I get this out, it's going to create a space
1:01:47
for new energy to come in. But you know it's
1:01:50
once you have that hard, stagnant energy, and if you
1:01:53
don't move it, new energy doesn't get.
1:01:56
Speaker 2: To come in. And Nicole, you've been so generous by
1:01:59
sharing your journey with us today, and I'm really just
1:02:03
appreciate how you've been down every normal natural path that
1:02:09
anyone would mentally and emotionally and spiritually after this, and
1:02:14
you've found the and at the end of every path.
1:02:17
You know, when we get to the end of every
1:02:19
path and it feels like there's nothing beyond it, and
1:02:22
then you've found the and which is that extension that
1:02:25
we all need to find? And I genuinely, genuinely, genuinely
1:02:30
believe that if anyone has someone they love, this book
1:02:34
is a toolkit. It's a guy to give someone the
1:02:37
transformation that we know is possible. But I am in
1:02:40
awe of how you've responded and been able to channel
1:02:45
your parents in this very difficult time. It's so easy
1:02:50
to say it and share it, but to use it
1:02:53
at this time is beautiful. And I pray and I
1:02:57
meditate that anyone who reads this book receives the the
1:03:00
courage that you have, the piece that you have gained,
1:03:04
and the helpfulness for others to pass on what they've
1:03:07
gained as well. Thank you. I appreciate that, Nicole. We
1:03:11
end every on Purpose episode with a final five. These
1:03:15
are questions that have to be answered in one word
1:03:17
to one sentence maximum okay, And I believe it will
1:03:20
be a really useful exercise because I think we'll even
1:03:24
discover further. So, Nicole Evan, these are your final five.
1:03:28
Oh boy. The first is what is the best grief
1:03:33
or advice you've received during grief?
1:03:36
Speaker 1: Love love matters, that game changer, healing bomb.
1:03:41
Speaker 2: And what would you say is the worst grief advice
1:03:44
or words to hear during times of grief.
1:03:47
Speaker 1: I know how you feel. I've said it so many
1:03:50
times to people. I mean, I had to learn I
1:03:52
was going through my own thing, going oh my god,
1:03:54
I've said all the wrong things and done all the
1:03:56
wrong things. But it's just a reaction that we all say.
1:04:00
Speaker 2: Yeah. It's because when we say we know, we actually
1:04:05
limit the other person's ability to share.
1:04:07
Speaker 1: Then share. Yeah, so it's over. I know how you feel, like, oh, well,
1:04:10
I can't even tell you how I feel. I can't
1:04:12
even call on you to come and sit and talk
1:04:15
with you and talk this out because you're already know.
1:04:18
Speaker 2: Yeah. There's no chance for me to feel understood or
1:04:21
seen scene yes, or loved because heard any of it.
1:04:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you already know.
1:04:27
Speaker 2: Thank you. That's really beautiful. I want to ask you
1:04:28
these three words you so eloquently chose. Third question for
1:04:32
you is walk me through when you needed grit, when
1:04:36
you required grace, and when you chose gratitude. You can
1:04:40
give me one for each.
1:04:41
Speaker 1: So the grit showed up for me on this journey
1:04:46
right when I got the news. I had to pivot
1:04:49
and I had to Your grit for me is a hustle,
1:04:52
it's a pivot, it's an action. And I had to
1:04:56
have grit to move through these terrible times where I
1:04:59
just wanted sit down and do nothing, and I had
1:05:02
to be present and on and figure this out. The
1:05:07
grace was choosing to forgive, choosing to give up the
1:05:15
anger and the frustration and the pain and giving it
1:05:17
up to a higher power and not letting it poison me.
1:05:20
So that was the grace, and the gratitude was being
1:05:25
so grateful that I had two parents who paid attention
1:05:32
to me and supported me throughout my life. And I
1:05:36
didn't understand a lot of things when I was younger.
1:05:38
You know, they were a little more strict than the
1:05:40
parents and a little more disciplined in all this. But
1:05:42
thank God that I had parents who did show up
1:05:49
for me, even in disagreements, even in hard times. I
1:05:53
never once thought they weren't going to be there for me.
1:05:56
And that's what I was the most grateful for that
1:05:59
I had, that I had them and my friends and
1:06:03
my friends that showed up for me. I'm grateful that.
1:06:05
That's when I went into the gratitude of my gosh,
1:06:08
people are showing up for me, and people are taking
1:06:11
care of me.
1:06:12
Speaker 2: Thank you so beautiful. Question number four too left, Question
1:06:16
number four, what was your most frequented prayer?
1:06:22
Speaker 1: I would say over and over again, my grand It
1:06:25
was my grandmother's prayer, which is today is the day
1:06:28
the Lord has made, and I choose to be glad
1:06:31
and rejoiceful. And I just I choose to be glad
1:06:34
and rejoice in it. Sorry, that's it. And I'd look
1:06:36
at her like, okay, grandma. Whatever she uses to sing
1:06:40
the song and she'd be cooking her food. But I
1:06:44
found that because it was repeated over and over again,
1:06:47
and I overheard her when I spent time with her,
1:06:50
and it was that word choice, and I choose to
1:06:53
be glad and rejoice in it. So I just thought, Okay,
1:06:57
I can do that too. I don't feel like it
1:07:00
and nothing is showing me that I should be joyful
1:07:04
or glad, but I choose to rejoice in and choose
1:07:07
to be glad, and then I found things to be
1:07:09
glad about.
1:07:10
Speaker 2: That's how you found.
1:07:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's how Yeah, that's how I That's how I
1:07:13
found it. I really was. And then my big mantra was,
1:07:16
you know, I'm just standing in my faith. I'm standing
1:07:19
in my faith. I would say that over and over
1:07:21
and over again, even though I didn't really believe that
1:07:25
I was. I just set it over and over again
1:07:28
because I needed to create some solid platform under me
1:07:33
otherwise it felt like Quicksand.
1:07:34
Speaker 2: Fifth and final question, Nicole. We asked this every guest
1:07:37
who's ever been on the show. If you could create
1:07:40
one law that everyone in the world had to follow,
1:07:43
what would it be?
1:07:44
Speaker 1: The Golden Rule?
1:07:46
Speaker 2: Nicole, Again, so grateful to you for coming on on
1:07:49
purpose for everyone who's been listening or watching. The book
1:07:51
is called Think You'll Be Happy. I want you to
1:07:54
find out why it's called out when you read the book.
1:07:56
That's why I did not ask the question. It's it's
1:07:58
a beautiful reason why it's called Think You'll be Happy.
1:08:02
The book is full of so many more stories, deep
1:08:06
texture of explanations behind things and the cold shared with
1:08:08
us today. Please go and grab a copy, Share it
1:08:12
with the loved one, Share it with someone who's lost
1:08:14
one when you don't know the right thing to say
1:08:16
or the right thing to text. If you feel the
1:08:19
best and is ready, offer this to them. Like I said,
1:08:22
I'll be offering it and have already been offering it
1:08:24
to friends. I wrote here as part of my testimonial.
1:08:29
This book should be required reading for anyone wanting to
1:08:33
understand how to trust in the light even at the
1:08:37
darkest times. And I truly mean that. The book by
1:08:39
Nicole Event Please, of course clip and cut as you
1:08:42
always do. TikTok's Instagram reels that resonate with you, that
1:08:46
connect with you, Share them across, spread them because I
1:08:50
hope you felt the energy that I felt by sitting here.
1:08:53
I want you all to feel it, and I want
1:08:54
you all to share it, because even if we're not
1:08:56
going through something like this right now, I know this
1:08:58
energy will be extremely heat for those who are, so
1:09:01
please pass it on and call them so grateful.
1:09:03
Speaker 1: To thank thank you, so grateful, to you, Thank you
1:09:06
so much, thank you, thank you.
1:09:07
Speaker 2: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with
1:09:11
Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to
1:09:15
heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
1:09:19
Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a
1:09:22
tree doesn't go oh, it's hard and thick, does it.
1:09:24
It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.