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I'm Not Sure I Trust You (4 Laws of Love Series) - 205 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:00
  Michelle Moore: Dan will tell you, I'm a hard and difficult person.
• 0:03
  Michelle Moore: I'm very stubborn and I like everything to go my way.
• 0:08
  Michelle Moore: And we all laugh because all three of my brothers are that way and he just buried into the family and he just kind of laughs about it and, as my son would say, Mom, you've got him wrapped around your finger and I was like that's right, that's right, you know.
• 0:26
  Michelle Moore: But I have chilled a lot because, honestly, back then, if he didn't take my advice, I got very defensive about it and he knew it, he could tell.
• 0:36
  Michelle Moore: And I mean I feel bad now.
• 0:39
  Michelle Moore: I mean I look back and I think, as we're talking about some of this stuff and things keep popping up in my head and I'm like, oh dear, I was that way.
• 0:47
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, and, but I really thought my way was the right way.
• 0:53
  Daniel Moore: This week on Connecting the Gap, we continue our study on the four laws of love as we continue our episode.
• 0:58
  Daniel Moore: We started last week on communication.
• 1:01
  Daniel Moore: We're going to be getting into trust this week.
• 1:03
  Daniel Moore: We'll get into that.
• 1:04
  Daniel Moore: Right after this, surely to the sea.
• 1:48
  Daniel Moore: Welcome back to Connecting the Gap podcast.
• 1:50
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and, of course, this week I have my wife, michelle, with me, as she is co-hosting a series right now here on the podcast on marriage.
• 2:00
  Daniel Moore: I just want to thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 2:03
  Daniel Moore: If you're not familiar with our show, or if you are familiar with it, you can check out our website to learn more, and that's at wwwconnectingthegapnet.
• 2:10
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• 2:12
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• 2:14
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• 2:16
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• 2:18
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• 2:20
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• 2:25
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• 2:28
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• 2:36
  Daniel Moore: We'd be eternally grateful to you for doing that, and we thank you once again for joining us this week for another episode of Connecting the Gap.
• 2:44
  Daniel Moore: You once again for joining us this week for another episode of Connecting the Gap.
• 2:47
  Daniel Moore: Well, last week we started our episode on communication.
• 2:49
  Daniel Moore: We're in the law of priority right at the moment, and part of the law of priority is communication.
• 3:00
  Daniel Moore: It's a priority that we have good communication as spouses in order for our marriages to flourish and in order for them to grow in God and for them to go on that path that God set before us.
• 3:07
  Daniel Moore: Last week we got about halfway through the discussion on communication and this week we're going to continue that discussion here on Connecting the Gap.
• 3:17
  Daniel Moore: So, as we start out this week on this week's episode, last week we went over a couple of points when we started this discussion on communication and we have talked about tone so far, and that's the tone that we talk to each other as spouses, how a difference in tone and how you communicate can actually give different meanings to how you talk to a person, and that can actually be something that could cause issues in your relationship or cause it to grow, just depending on what tone that you speak to each other in your marriage.
• 3:58
  Daniel Moore: We also went through time and that's what we finished with last week and this week, as we told you, we are going to be starting with that dirty word called trust, and I know a lot of people seem to have issue with trust and I guess in the society that we live, in, the relationships that we have, it's real easy to lose people's trust in each other.
• 4:24
  Daniel Moore: It just doesn't seem like it takes much for that trust to be damaged and for things to happen.
• 4:30
  Daniel Moore: And I know we've mentioned this a couple of times in our episodes so far that we always have a tendency to, you know, hurt the ones that are the closest to us and so when that happens, it's real easy to breach trust.
• 4:43
  Daniel Moore: When it comes to you know, someone that you're intimately involved with, have a close relationship with, it's real easy to breach that trust between the two of you.
• 4:52
  Daniel Moore: But we know that communication of any type requires trust.
• 4:56
  Daniel Moore: There's just no way around that.
• 4:58
  Daniel Moore: And the deeper the level of communication, the more that trust must be present Open, honest and intimate sharing.
• 5:06
  Daniel Moore: That means that we must open our heart and expose ourselves.
• 5:11
  Daniel Moore: And I know, speaking for myself and I know, speaking with Michelle, I'm sure you probably know people as well that have these trust issues that they have a really hard time opening up and you know a lot of time it's probably it has to do with past relationships.
• 5:25
  Daniel Moore: You know a lot of time it's probably it has to do with past relationships.
• 5:26
  Daniel Moore: You know things that where walls were put up and that trust was broken and they never were able to regain that back and it created a damage, it created a divide there that they've really had a difficult time you know fixing and you know the most sensitive areas of our life.
• 5:44
  Daniel Moore: They're the most vulnerable, the places that we really care about the most, the deepest parts of our emotions.
• 5:50
  Daniel Moore: When those are wrecked, then that's when we start having these deep issues with this trust.
• 5:58
  Daniel Moore: We will not open the deepest parts of our hearts when there is a significant risk of hurt, betrayal or rejection.
• 6:05
  Daniel Moore: If there's a possibility for that betrayal to happen or that rejection to happen, or even if we have a sense that there's some hurt coming our direction, then we have a tendency to clam up yeah, and we just don't want to talk, and so there's a huge issue with that when that takes place.
• 6:22
  Daniel Moore: So the equation is the more that you gain my trust, the wider the door of my heart opens, the more that you violate my trust.
• 6:30
  Daniel Moore: Guess what that door is going to close.
• 6:33
  Daniel Moore: That's just pretty much the path of life and the way that that takes place, and that teaches us a lesson that we all have to learn, and that is that trust is earned in drops lesson that we all have to learn and that is that trust is earned in drops but it's lost in buckets, and I think that's just a phenomenal way to look at that, because it can take years to gain trust in someone and to believe in them, to believe that they're being honest with you, that, no matter what may come up, that you can trust them to be there, to be that person that's going to tell you the way it is and try to keep you in line, and that you can trust that they're taking you on a path that's definitely a positive direction for your life.
• 7:15
  Daniel Moore: It takes a long time to get to that point with someone, but it can only take seconds for you to completely lose every bit of trust you've ever had in somebody, and it's crazy how that works.
• 7:26
  Daniel Moore: So one thing to remember there is trust is earned in drops and it's lost in buckets.
• 7:31
  Daniel Moore: So if you've betrayed someone and there's a huge issue there, a huge gap that's been created or a chasm that's been created between you and someone else, and that trust has been violated and it's been damaged, don't expect that to be fixed overnight.
• 7:47
  Daniel Moore: It's just not going to happen, but it you can lose it overnight.
• 7:51
  Daniel Moore: So we have to be super careful with how we approach this issue of trust between two individuals, and especially spouses, and so we're going to get a little bit more into that as we get deeper into this study.
• 8:04
  Daniel Moore: So, as we start off this week, we're going to talk about some trust builders.
• 8:08
  Daniel Moore: You know, when it comes to losing trust in someone, there has to be a way to gain this back.
• 8:14
  Daniel Moore: Or even in the early stages of a relationship, there has to be ways that you actually can build that trust even from the ground up when you first meet these people.
• 8:24
  Daniel Moore: I know with Michelle and I, there was a time there that we had to build our trust between each other.
• 8:31
  Daniel Moore: And, of course, we have lived through the other side of that coin where we violated that trust as well and had to regain that trust again.
• 8:41
  Daniel Moore: So the first thing that you can do as a trust builder is consistently saying and doing the right things.
• 8:47
  Daniel Moore: And whenever I think of this one, I think of dating.
• 8:51
  Daniel Moore: Because when we're dating, what are we doing?
• 8:55
  Daniel Moore: We're consistently trying to always say the right things to win the love of the person that we're dating.
• 9:03
  Daniel Moore: Or, you know, saying the right things.
• 9:05
  Daniel Moore: We got this formula, I guess you could say, of what we think it's going to take to win that person's heart over.
• 9:12
  Daniel Moore: And so, when it comes to trust, if we consistently say and do the right things and we never mess that up, then that's going to build that trust that you have between two different people.
• 9:23
  Daniel Moore: And along with that, one is keeping promises.
• 9:26
  Daniel Moore: So what happens when somebody breaks a promise?
• 9:30
  Daniel Moore: You know that's.
• 9:31
  Daniel Moore: We all can say this, probably have the same answer to that.
• 9:35
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 9:35
  Daniel Moore: You can't trust somebody that's a perpetual liar, right?
• 9:38
  Daniel Moore: You know somebody lies to you constantly and you probably you guys listening probably know people right now that you really can't trust the word that comes out of their mouth.
• 9:48
  Michelle Moore: Well, I think if you go back to consistently saying and doing the right things, that's how you're going to earn someone's trust.
• 9:55
  Michelle Moore: But I think honestly being yourself and who you are, that's being honest In a relationship, instead of trying to win that person over.
• 10:04
  Michelle Moore: Be who you are.
• 10:05
  Michelle Moore: Don't try to be that person that has to have everything right, because it's not going to work.
• 10:11
  Michelle Moore: But if you're doing those things in daily life, in and out, that's going to show people not just who you're pursuing or who you're married to, but it builds a rapport of knowing you're a trustworthy person.
• 10:27
  Daniel Moore: Right and I know Michelle and I both know people personally that we can't trust nothing.
• 10:31
  Daniel Moore: They say it's just.
• 10:32
  Daniel Moore: You know, whenever they talk it's like you got to weigh the balances, you got to throw this part away and keep this part of it, because there's just not much truth and it's a shame that people live a life like that.
• 10:44
  Daniel Moore: It really is, because that could lead to a very lonely life if people figure you out, because you know the Bible tells us that your sins are going to find you out and you can only be fake for so long and eventually everybody's going to see through that facade, that sheet that you've put up in front of you to try to block everybody from seeing the real you.
• 11:06
  Daniel Moore: Most generally, if anybody's around you any significant amount of time, they're going to figure that out and so it's never good to be dishonest and to lie like that.
• 11:18
  Daniel Moore: Another trust builder is being faithful and sexually pure, and this comes down even from you know, from dating all the way through marriage, anytime that there's any type of cheating going on or play in the field if you're dating somebody, if you're just in your dating stage and you're dating someone but you're flirtatious with other people and it makes it hard for people to know are you really dating them or what you know?
• 11:48
  Daniel Moore: What's going on here because of the way that you act.
• 11:50
  Daniel Moore: And then you get into being married and if you're married I know people that are married that flirt around and that's an easy way to lose trust in somebody really quick.
• 12:01
  Daniel Moore: And especially if you break that bond and you're not faithful, you're not sexually pure with your mate, that's definitely going to be a trust destroyer for sure and those are some really deep holes to try to dig yourself back out of Taking responsibility for your behavior and not transferring blame.
• 12:21
  Michelle Moore: That's so good.
• 12:22
  Daniel Moore: This is a tough one because a lot of people like to blame other people.
• 12:26
  Daniel Moore: They never want to take responsibility for anything that they do.
• 12:29
  Daniel Moore: They can do no wrong and I think when we look at that, you know it's another situation where if they're lying to you, it's just.
• 12:38
  Daniel Moore: If you can't trust that person that lies all the time, you also can't trust those people that don't have your back.
• 12:43
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 12:44
  Daniel Moore: And if they're going to constantly do things and then transfer that blame to someone else, someday they may transfer that to you.
• 12:50
  Daniel Moore: You may be the person that gets thrown under the bus.
• 12:53
  Michelle Moore: And just a disclaimer nobody is perfect.
• 12:56
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 12:57
  Michelle Moore: Yes, you cannot sit there and put the blame on somebody else and you not ever have an issue.
• 13:07
  Daniel Moore: Right, yeah, and it's.
• 13:09
  Daniel Moore: There's some people that think they can.
• 13:11
  Michelle Moore: Oh.
• 13:12
  Daniel Moore: And you know, we know some that think they can.
• 13:15
  Michelle Moore: But you got to understand, to accept the blame.
• 13:18
  Michelle Moore: That's that's being humble and you know that needs to be like OK, I made a mistake.
• 13:23
  Michelle Moore: I need your partner needs to know hey, if you made a mistake, let's work together, let's fix this and move on.
• 13:30
  Michelle Moore: If you never acknowledge it, it's going to be consistently there at all times.
• 13:35
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and if you, you know, constantly take, you know, transfer that blame, you'll never fix your problem in your marriage.
• 13:42
  Daniel Moore: It's just not going to happen.
• 13:44
  Michelle Moore: Well it comes back to if you don't accept it, you'll never fix your problem in your marriage.
• 13:47
  Michelle Moore: It's just not going to happen.
• 13:47
  Michelle Moore: Well, it comes back to, if you don't accept it.
• 13:49
  Michelle Moore: You're prideful Right and God doesn't love a prideful person, like you know.
• 13:51
  Michelle Moore: You have to understand that.
• 13:53
  Michelle Moore: Just take the responsibility and move on.
• 13:56
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, pride comes before a fall.
• 13:58
  Daniel Moore: Yep, if you continue to lie, continue to transfer blame, you're going to crash and burn eventually.
• 14:03
  Daniel Moore: It's just going to happen.
• 14:05
  Daniel Moore: The next one is being sensitive to your spouse and meeting their needs.
• 14:09
  Daniel Moore: You know Michelle has trust in me, knowing that I will do the best that I can to meet her needs.
• 14:17
  Daniel Moore: I mean, do you ever doubt that?
• 14:18
  Michelle Moore: No, and I think over time, I think seasons of your marriage.
• 14:23
  Michelle Moore: It's evident how things change in life.
• 14:27
  Daniel Moore: Yep, and it goes the other way.
• 14:30
  Daniel Moore: I know that if I ask Michelle to do something for me or something bad happens or whatever, she's got my back, she better have my back.
• 14:40
  Michelle Moore: Hey, I do laundry now every now and then, so that's a step for me, that was a huge step.
• 14:46
  Michelle Moore: Yes, it is.
• 14:49
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, she's not one that really likes to do that.
• 14:51
  Daniel Moore: I don't like to do laundry either, but I don't like seeing it there, so I force myself to go through it and take care of all of it.
• 14:58
  Michelle Moore: But I'm okay of it, but I also put my shoes up now?
• 15:00
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, she does.
• 15:00
  Daniel Moore: I used to have to do that all the time.
• 15:02
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, so I'm growing up, you're tattling on yourself, I know, but she's done a lot of other stuff that I didn't have to do with.
• 15:12
  Daniel Moore: You know, cooking and a lot of the cleaning and just different things like that that she would do without getting me involved.
• 15:18
  Daniel Moore: So that was my part.
• 15:22
  Michelle Moore: I got to tell them the story about push mowing the yard this summer.
• 15:25
  Michelle Moore: Daniel told me I couldn't mow the yard because it was kind of wet outside.
• 15:30
  Michelle Moore: He said I couldn't use the rider.
• 15:34
  Michelle Moore: So I was like, okay, whatever it needed mode, and I'm not a very patient person sometimes.
• 15:41
  Michelle Moore: So when I asked to do something or have him do it, if he doesn't do it immediately, I'm like he can.
• 15:48
  Michelle Moore: He's smiling at me because he knows me.
• 15:51
  Michelle Moore: I'm like are you gonna do that?
• 15:52
  Michelle Moore: I'm gonna do it.
• 15:53
  Michelle Moore: It's my time.
• 15:54
  Michelle Moore: Well, he left for a job and I push mowed the whole yard.
• 15:58
  Michelle Moore: He came home and he was so mad at me and he's like why I was going to do the writer later on and I was just like because I wanted it done now.
• 16:06
  Michelle Moore: I won't do that again.
• 16:08
  Michelle Moore: We have a big yard and I wore myself completely out.
• 16:12
  Michelle Moore: But I proved my point.
• 16:14
  Daniel Moore: I got it done.
• 16:15
  Michelle Moore: There was no point to even prove to begin with.
• 16:18
  Daniel Moore: She finally recovered about a week ago.
• 16:20
  Michelle Moore: It was horrible.
• 16:20
  Michelle Moore: Never do it again.
• 16:23
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, I could not.
• 16:23
  Daniel Moore: We have almost three-fourths of an acre and I could not believe it when I came home and saw that she had pushed Modelo hard.
• 16:31
  Daniel Moore: So I guess next time I just got to let her use the rider in the wet grass, that's right, have to protect her Next time.
• 16:36
  Daniel Moore: I just got to let her use the rider in the wet grass, that's right, have to protect her.
• 16:38
  Michelle Moore: I just didn't want him doing it simply for the mere fact of he's working in the morning.
• 16:43
  Michelle Moore: I didn't want him to have to come home in the afternoon, and do it.
• 16:46
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and that was the whole purpose of it.
• 16:54
  Daniel Moore: What you call taking one for the team, but that's the relationship that her and I have, though, and you know there's times that I've done things for her, there's times she's done things for me where we paid for it for a week because we were so sore or whatever, but you know, it's just one of those things that you do for each other, and when you have that kind of trust in someone that they're going to you know do that for you, then you know that's a huge thing to know that you can trust them to be there when you need them to be.
• 17:21
  Daniel Moore: The next thing here is treating your spouse as an equal and valuing their input and also validating your spouse's feelings, even when you don't understand or agree.
• 17:31
  Daniel Moore: And that's a big one, because a lot of times, if there's a dominant spouse big one because a lot of times, if there's a dominant spouse and we talked a little bit about this last week the spouses can be dumbed down to an extent by the other spouse and humiliated, and that definitely does not grow trust, and so we have to be super careful with that whenever we're talking to our spouses and you know if there's issues that arise that they're dealing with, we're the ones usually that's going to be there first to bounce that stuff off of because that's part of being a spouse.
• 18:07
  Daniel Moore: That's the closest person to you and the last thing your spouse wants to hear when you say something like that is well, that is the most stupid thing.
• 18:14
  Daniel Moore: You're so retarded for saying that you know spouses.
• 18:17
  Daniel Moore: That's not how you talk to a spouse, and when you start talking that way, then that trust factor is going to go out the window.
• 18:24
  Michelle Moore: So how did you feel like when we and our really our arguments were either financially or about our children, other than that, after we got past everything, those were the two big things.
• 18:37
  Michelle Moore: But how did you feel when I'm pretty stubborn and he knows it when I disagreed with you Agree to disagree is what I used to say a lot.
• 18:49
  Daniel Moore: Well, my personality.
• 18:51
  Daniel Moore: I feel most of the some of the things that we argued over.
• 18:55
  Daniel Moore: I still felt like I was correct in the argument.
• 19:00
  Daniel Moore: I think it was more frustrating to me that you didn't see my point or understand my point.
• 19:08
  Daniel Moore: Rather, I don't really feel like it killed my trust in you.
• 19:11
  Daniel Moore: It was hard for me to understand why you didn't understand the situation, because to me it was black and white, and so that just really raised my frustration and anger level, probably more than it did anything, which I guess in a way you could say that would hurt the trust to a point, because it does kind of.
• 19:32
  Daniel Moore: I do remember where there was times I didn't know if I even wanted to talk to you about it anymore because I felt like that was going to be your response, and so I guess in a way I didn't trust the fact that you would, you know, understand what I was, the point I was trying to make, and you know, try to get you to understand my side of it and see it for what I thought that it was.
• 19:53
  Daniel Moore: So I guess there's different ways there that that trust can be breached to a point, because I think sometimes when people don't trust each other, it's a type of untrustworthiness that makes them feel belittled or humiliated or not good enough, that kind of thing.
• 20:11
  Daniel Moore: But there's a different kind of untrustworthiness, that the other person just doesn't seem to understand what you're saying, and it just raises the level of emotions where you get into an argument, more so than either the individuals feeling like they're less than and you know, what's funny is, as I listen to you talk about that, it's not that I didn't ever understand where you were coming from.
• 20:36
  Michelle Moore: I understood where you were coming from.
• 20:37
  Michelle Moore: I understood where you were coming from.
• 20:39
  Michelle Moore: I think part of it is I just didn't agree how you wanted to handle it.
• 20:44
  Michelle Moore: And I think even there are times now you know, and I think that's in every couple I mean as a husband and wife you're not always going to agree.
• 20:54
  Michelle Moore: So what would you suggest to couples who have that situation going on now?
• 21:02
  Daniel Moore: Well, I think, first of all, prayer is very important, because we did not step back and do that.
• 21:08
  Daniel Moore: And now I will say and we've talked about this a couple of times already there were times I was wrong.
• 21:13
  Daniel Moore: Now I felt like I was right at that moment and it just angered me because you didn't step up to my level and accept the solution that I had to the problem.
• 21:24
  Daniel Moore: But now, as we've moved along and our kids have grown up and we've been through what we've been through, I've re-evaluated a lot of that and looked back and now I understand a little bit more about where you were coming from when that took place.
• 21:38
  Daniel Moore: And I think some of that was stemming because a lot of this that we're referring to here probably that happened the most was disciplining our kids and the way that I grew up.
• 21:49
  Michelle Moore: And being in a blended family is very difficult on how to discipline.
• 21:55
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and the way that I grew up was pretty harsh and strict, so I brought that into our relationship as well, and not saying that that's not ever an option, probably because sometimes you have kids that are really bullheaded and it takes a little bit more aggressiveness probably to take care of those problems.
• 22:14
  Daniel Moore: But every time you have an issue with your kids, you shouldn't just be a bull in a china cabinet and just charging in every time and being so hard like that.
• 22:22
  Daniel Moore: There's different ways to handle those situations and, as we talked about last week, a lot of the directions that we did have as parenting comes from the Bible, and you had mentioned that, and we failed in that area, I feel, because we didn't approach things very biblically.
• 22:41
  Daniel Moore: We approached them in the way that we grew up.
• 22:47
  Daniel Moore: The way that I grew up, society that kind of socially, that kind of thing is how we approached it instead wasn't very healthy.
• 22:55
  Daniel Moore: So not only did it cause issues with the children and us, but it caused issues between us.
• 23:01
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 23:02
  Daniel Moore: And it's just a vicious cycle.
• 23:04
  Michelle Moore: I think what you mentioned was prayer.
• 23:06
  Michelle Moore: I mean 100%.
• 23:07
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, I agree with that.
• 23:09
  Daniel Moore: So, yeah, if there's issues like that going on and you guys can't click trying to figure out between the two of you who's right and who's wrong, Really both spouses need to step back for a minute and pray, read some word together and do this God's way, Because you can sit there and fight for months and never get a solution if you do it on your own.
• 23:33
  Michelle Moore: Well, because in most cases the father is the discipliner and the mama has such a compassionate heart that we forgive and okay, not a big deal and just move on.
• 23:46
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 23:46
  Daniel Moore: So, yeah, there's a lot there.
• 23:50
  Aria: Yeah.
• 23:50
  Daniel Moore: And you just have to be super careful with that.
• 23:52
  Daniel Moore: There's just a few more here and I'll just kind of read through the rest of these here.
• 23:56
  Daniel Moore: There's just a few more here and I'll just kind of read through the rest of these here.
• 23:58
  Daniel Moore: One's protecting your spouse from children, in-laws and others who are doing things that are negative or harmful, and that is very important as parents, that we should protect our children, and that's definitely a trust builder, being truthful in a loving manner.
• 24:12
  Daniel Moore: And that means when something comes up and a person's doing something wrong and you're trying to, in a lovingly kind way, tell them that hey, you need to look at this a little different.
• 24:26
  Daniel Moore: You're not quite correct on this.
• 24:31
  Michelle Moore: You don't just want to come in and be harsh with them.
• 24:32
  Michelle Moore: I think that requires prayer.
• 24:33
  Daniel Moore: It's hard to do, so this is a good prayerful moment.
• 24:35
  Daniel Moore: Yes, that's for sure.
• 24:37
  Daniel Moore: You always want to be honest with people, but you've got to do it in the right way or you can cause some issues.
• 24:43
  Daniel Moore: Keeping confidence and not divulging private matters to others.
• 24:46
  Daniel Moore: There is something there to privacy.
• 24:58
  Daniel Moore: People like to have friends or they like to have spouses that they can tell things to that are deep and intimate, that they don't want anybody else to know and trust the fact that it's going to stay there.
• 25:02
  Daniel Moore: You know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas kind of the same concept there and so you don't want your spouses just blurting this stuff out there to the whole world to see, unless you both are on the same page, I mean, if you're both okay.
• 25:11
  Daniel Moore: You know, michelle and I we're in a lot of dirty laundry here with this series, but we're doing this together and we're doing this for a purpose.
• 25:19
  Daniel Moore: We feel that God's wanting to use what we've been through.
• 25:21
  Daniel Moore: That's different.
• 25:22
  Daniel Moore: But if you have a spouse that wants you to zip your lip and not say a word about something that's happened or whatever, you need to zip your lip because if you don't, that truth factor is not going to be there.
• 25:33
  Daniel Moore: It's going to be non-existent.
• 25:34
  Daniel Moore: They'll quit talking to you.
• 25:35
  Daniel Moore: That spouse will never share anything with you again if you're not careful.
• 25:39
  Daniel Moore: That goes with friends too.
• 25:42
  Daniel Moore: I mean it can go all different directions, saying you're sorry and asking for forgiveness.
• 25:46
  Daniel Moore: That's a bomb.
• 25:48
  Michelle Moore: And being genuine about it.
• 25:49
  Daniel Moore: Oh, my goodness, yeah, it's hard to.
• 25:51
  Daniel Moore: That's pride, taking that pride down there Absolutely To be able to say you're sorry and ask forgiveness.
• 25:57
  Daniel Moore: Because if you feel like you're right and they're wrong, you're going to come to a point where it's either not going to matter and you worry about care more about the relationship than being right or wrong, or if you actually come to a point through prayer, however it may be that you realize you are wrong, then you do owe somebody an apology, and so we've got to be able to do that, being forgiving and gracious.
• 26:20
  Daniel Moore: When somebody gives you that apology, you know you need to be trustworthy, that you can, you know, forgive that person and be gracious with them, just like Christ is with us, and then being positive and faith-filled.
• 26:32
  Daniel Moore: That's a good way to end that.
• 26:34
  Daniel Moore: So if you have violated your spouse's trust, the best thing to do is sincerely apologize to them and take responsibility for your mistakes, be consistent, follow through with your commitments and when you make mistakes, deal with them quickly.
• 26:50
  Daniel Moore: I think that's some really good words of wisdom right there.
• 26:54
  Daniel Moore: So if you guys have trust issues out there, you definitely need to get those taken care of.
• 26:59
  Daniel Moore: It's going to be a long road if you're trying to live with somebody that you can't even trust them.
• 27:05
  Daniel Moore: I know the short period of time that Michelle and I really had the trust issues.
• 27:10
  Daniel Moore: It was very stressful and very tough, a very stressful time in our life and you can't live 40 or 50 years like that.
• 27:18
  Daniel Moore: No, it's just, it's too much.
• 27:20
  Daniel Moore: So the next one is truth.
• 27:23
  Daniel Moore: When it comes to communication, truth is very, very important and this probably kind of goes back into the trust side as well.
• 27:32
  Daniel Moore: When you trust somebody, then you know that they're going to be truthful with you.
• 27:37
  Daniel Moore: Ephesians 4.15 says instead speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head that is Christ.
• 27:48
  Daniel Moore: So in the context of marriage, this verse is emphasizing the importance of speaking truthfully with love and kindness.
• 27:57
  Daniel Moore: So some truths about truth is truth without love is mean and truth without love is meaningless.
• 28:06
  Daniel Moore: Love without truth is like a cheerleader without a team.
• 28:09
  Daniel Moore: But truth and love is medicine, it is meaningful and it's the only way that communication can be effective and cause growth in relationships.
• 28:20
  Daniel Moore: So when we say speak truth in love, we need to define what that means.
• 28:25
  Daniel Moore: Even though the Bible is the standard of truth for today, it isn't necessarily what we mean regarding truth in marriage.
• 28:32
  Daniel Moore: A great portion of the truth that we need to speak in marriage isn't Bible truth.
• 28:37
  Daniel Moore: A great portion of the truth that we need to speak in marriage isn't Bible truth.
• 28:40
  Daniel Moore: It's actually our own personal truth In marriage.
• 28:43
  Daniel Moore: It is common for couples to express their personal truths and opinions based on their own perspectives and experiences.
• 28:48
  Daniel Moore: However, it's also important to differentiate between personal truths and what we call biblical truths.
• 28:55
  Daniel Moore: Personal truths those can be influenced by your emotions or past experiences that you've went through.
• 29:03
  Daniel Moore: They can be influenced by even your individual beliefs, just things that you believe that aren't necessarily biblical.
• 29:10
  Daniel Moore: Maybe it's just like your social beliefs or your societal beliefs, while biblical truths are rooted in God's Word and principles.
• 29:19
  Daniel Moore: So when applying the Scripture and Ephesians here in chapter 4 to marriage, couples should strive to communicate honestly and openly with each other, but also be mindful of speaking the truth in accordance with biblical principles.
• 29:31
  Daniel Moore: This means being willing to listen to each other, seek mutual understanding and align their thoughts and words with what the Bible teaches.
• 29:40
  Daniel Moore: By speaking the truth in love and grounding their communication in God's Word, couples can grow together in their faith and become stronger, more united partnership and we should be able to openly share with each other in a safe atmosphere.
• 29:55
  Daniel Moore: The environment to share our truth begins with an atmosphere of love and respect for one another.
• 30:03
  Daniel Moore: It is important to give our spouses the right to complain and be honest without being attacked or accused.
• 30:10
  Daniel Moore: Defensiveness shuts down honesty and keeps truth from being expressed, and I think you know this one is a very important one, because we both know that if the spouses don't feel safe with each other, then you're not really going to be able to communicate the truth between the two of you.
• 30:32
  Daniel Moore: You know there's going to be a difficulty there in trying to make that happen.
• 30:37
  Daniel Moore: So we are going to get into the complaining issue here in a moment.
• 30:43
  Daniel Moore: We're going to talk about that a little bit.
• 30:45
  Daniel Moore: But we do know that sometimes there can be irritation between spouses and the spouses like to vent.
• 30:54
  Daniel Moore: Well, it's hard to vent to somebody if you know they're going to blow up like a bomb and just try to totally destroy you when you start venting to them.
• 31:04
  Daniel Moore: There has to be a little bit of some accommodation there between the spouses, a safe space, if you will, so that you can vent to each other while the other one is listening and trying to understand what you're saying.
• 31:21
  Michelle Moore: And, if I remember right, didn't we at one point in time sit down and kind of write I mean, some couples do this, some don't but I think we kind of talked things through, a couple of things that we didn't really like.
• 31:34
  Michelle Moore: I think we wrote a list.
• 31:35
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, we did Because I forgot about that, but now that you mentioned that we did't really like about I think we wrote a list.
• 31:38
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, we did, because I forgot about that.
• 31:39
  Daniel Moore: But now that you mentioned that, we did at one point there Some of the things that kind of irritated us.
• 31:44
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and it was really.
• 31:47
  Michelle Moore: I mean he was healthy for us.
• 31:49
  Michelle Moore: I mean because really honestly yes, I mean you're 100% honest the truth comes out and it's hard to hear, but you have to be open to receive that, and I mean in all honesty, that person's rooting for you, they love you, so being honest with them, does that mean that you're going to change everything?
• 32:09
  Michelle Moore: Absolutely not, but begin praying about those things.
• 32:12
  Michelle Moore: And that's exactly what we did.
• 32:14
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I don't, neither one of us were very defensive about it, but I mean we knew going in, writing these things down and sharing these things just between the two of us that you know we were willing to accept it.
• 32:28
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, but we were also at a point where we knew it was, you know, sink or swim.
• 32:34
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 32:34
  Daniel Moore: We were trying to fix our issue and trying to reformulate this love and this marriage that we had, and so we were both in that state of wanting to sit there and listen to each other and try to understand the problems.
• 32:49
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we were both open to that, and so that's very healthy, that's the healthy way to do it.
• 32:56
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and you know, if you're not in that situation, if you're not in that state of mind, then if you try to share the things that are bad about your marriage or the things you don't like or that irritate you, then if both spouses aren't on the same page with that, then you can definitely cause a major issue, because that other spouse is probably going to get very mad and upset that you would even accuse them of something like that, and so that's probably.
• 33:25
  Daniel Moore: That's a door we always need to keep open.
• 33:28
  Michelle Moore: Well, and I was sitting there thinking about just as we were talking, and I'm really going to air out some laundry.
• 33:34
  Michelle Moore: I'm a very difficult.
• 33:35
  Michelle Moore: I wouldn't say now I think I've changed a lot, but when we first got married and went going through stuff, and then just right after, dan will tell you I'm a hard and difficult person.
• 33:48
  Michelle Moore: I'm very stubborn and I like everything to go my way and we all laugh because all three of my brothers are that way and he just buried into the family and he just kind of laughs about it and, as my son would say, mom, you've got him wrapped around your finger and I was like that's right, that's right, you know.
• 34:10
  Michelle Moore: But I have chilled a lot because, honestly, back then, if he didn't take my advice, I got very defensive about it and he knew it, he could tell and I mean I feel bad now.
• 34:23
  Michelle Moore: I mean I look back and I think, as we're talking about some of this stuff and things just keep popping up in my head and I'm like, oh dear, I was that way, you know, but I really thought my way was the right way.
• 34:37
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it was a rough time, but when we're talking about this, here's the attitude we need to have whenever we start talking, writing these little lists.
• 34:47
  Daniel Moore: We just talked about it.
• 34:48
  Daniel Moore: That's how you choose to do it.
• 34:49
  Daniel Moore: We're just sitting there talking about it.
• 34:51
  Daniel Moore: This is the attitude you need to have between each other In your mind.
• 34:55
  Daniel Moore: You need to be thinking I want to be the best spouse I can be.
• 34:58
  Daniel Moore: I want our marriage to grow.
• 35:06
  Daniel Moore: I want you to know that if there's anything I am doing or not doing that is bothering you, I want you to share that with me and I want you to feel safe sharing that with me.
• 35:10
  Daniel Moore: I may not agree with everything you say, but I will validate it and we can talk things out.
• 35:16
  Daniel Moore: It comes back to communication, but I will validate it and we can talk things out.
• 35:19
  Daniel Moore: It comes back to communication, yep, so this is a big part of the foundation of creating that atmosphere of what we call honesty.
• 35:25
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's been the result of many counseling sessions that counselors have said the most chronic and serious issues in marriages are marked by defensiveness and not allowing open sharing without hostility by one or both spouses.
• 35:38
  Daniel Moore: If I am threatened by my spouse speaking his or her truth to me, then there is something wrong with me and it will inhibit all levels of communication and intimacy.
• 35:48
  Daniel Moore: So anytime you try to talk these things out, if the first instinct as soon as your spouse says I get sick and tired because you leave your shoes laying all over the place and then all of a sudden you come back and just chew them out because they even, you know, would even think such a thing that that's irritating, that you leave your shoes all over the place.
• 36:08
  Daniel Moore: You're not going to get anywhere with that communication.
• 36:10
  Daniel Moore: At that point, You're not going to fix any issues.
• 36:11
  Daniel Moore: You're going to create more is what's going to end up happening, and so when you go into these discussions I guess the best thing to call them that's what they need to be is discussions of things that are irritating or bothering you, or those kinds of things that may be causing some friction between the two of you.
• 36:32
  Daniel Moore: It's very important to talk that out.
• 36:34
  Daniel Moore: You both need to be on a level where you can talk to each other about that stuff without blowing up at each other because it's, you know, brought up, and then you need to be in a state of mind to okay, if these are the problems, and I truly have that issue, then we need to discuss between the two of us what's it going to take for me to fix that from your side of it?
• 36:59
  Michelle Moore: Tell me so I can see what I'm doing wrong and if there is a way that I can fix that.
• 37:01
  Michelle Moore: And I can tell you that as we went through that, I seen stuff that you did to irritate me.
• 37:08
  Michelle Moore: You were starting to try to correct it and because you know how important it was to me and vice versa, and that means a lot to that other spouse.
• 37:18
  Michelle Moore: I mean, like I said, definitely Dan's not going to get no 120 pound woman with long hair and you know it's not ever going to happen, you know.
• 37:27
  Michelle Moore: So there are some things you're just not able to change, but I mean my attitude on some things.
• 37:33
  Michelle Moore: It needs to be changed, and so yeah, so that's just something you know.
• 37:38
  Daniel Moore: We need to make sure we keep that pathway open.
• 37:41
  Daniel Moore: An important question to ask about allowing our spouses to share their truth is how can we know if we are succeeding at being the best husband or wife we can be unless our spouse tells us we are?
• 37:52
  Daniel Moore: I mean, that's really the only validation we're ever going to get if we're doing a good job is if we tell each other that we are.
• 37:58
  Daniel Moore: You know, my needs as a guy are much different than what your needs are, and if I just operate in my own sphere of understanding, I'm not going to meet your needs.
• 38:08
  Daniel Moore: And in order to succeed, I have to have your input, and you must have the freedom to openly share what you need and know that you're going to be heard, and the same goes for your side of it.
• 38:20
  Daniel Moore: You know, how are you going to know that you're a good wife if I never tell you you are, or that you make good dinners, if I never tell you that you make them?
• 38:26
  Daniel Moore: If your defense even feel threatened by my input, then you won't meet my needs or fulfill the role in my life.
• 38:36
  Daniel Moore: And so in order for this to work, then you need to let me tell the truth to you without losing my dignity, and let me know that I am the first priority in your life except Jesus, and being a good wife to me is one of your highest goals in life, and if both of us can approach those discussions in that manner, then you can have huge success in trying to fix these issues and these problems.
• 39:03
  Daniel Moore: So this brings us up to what we was talking about just a little bit while ago criticism and complaining.
• 39:11
  Daniel Moore: Criticism is very harmful.
• 39:14
  Daniel Moore: It's very dangerous for a marriage.
• 39:15
  Daniel Moore: It introduces negativity and is focused on what the other person did wrong.
• 39:21
  Daniel Moore: So a typical critical remark in marriage would be something like this you said that to me yesterday and you meant to hurt me.
• 39:29
  Daniel Moore: You are so spiteful, you never forgive anything and I don't trust you In that statement.
• 39:36
  Daniel Moore: Notice how many times the word you was used and notice the behavior of the spouse that he had been judged and the final verdict had already been delivered.
• 39:48
  Daniel Moore: Complaining is very different in marriage and it's very different than criticism.
• 39:52
  Daniel Moore: You know, taking the same issue that we just used, the proper way of complaining in a marriage sounds like this Honey, you said something to me yesterday.
• 40:02
  Daniel Moore: You know it really bothered me and I would like to talk about it.
• 40:06
  Daniel Moore: I'm not saying that you meant anything bad by it, but I just want to talk this out because you know my feelings may be wrong, but I don't want to allow the devil in your room to work by not being honest and trying to talk this situation out.
• 40:19
  Daniel Moore: So when you're criticized, you feel like you're being attacked and judged.
• 40:24
  Daniel Moore: Since the verdict is final, your only option left is just to confess and say yes, I did it.
• 40:30
  Daniel Moore: I know, give me some leniency here.
• 40:33
  Daniel Moore: That violates our sense of fairness and trust.
• 40:36
  Daniel Moore: Communication at that point is going to be shut off and problems cannot be resolved.
• 40:40
  Daniel Moore: But when you complain, the opposite occurs.
• 40:44
  Daniel Moore: Complaining isn't judging or attacking you.
• 40:47
  Daniel Moore: If it's coming from me, it's simply saying something about me.
• 40:50
  Daniel Moore: You know I may be angry because I'm immature, ignorant, uninformed, hormonal or for any good reason.
• 40:57
  Daniel Moore: You know my emotions may not be right.
• 40:57
  Daniel Moore: I'm just ignorant, uninformed, hormonal or for any good reason.
• 40:58
  Daniel Moore: You know my emotions may not be right.
• 41:00
  Daniel Moore: I'm just saying that they are real and for the sake of our marriage, I need to talk them out.
• 41:06
  Daniel Moore: So when it comes to this thing and you know, a lot of spouses criticize each other really bad.
• 41:12
  Daniel Moore: You see this a lot and there's a lot of validation to this point where you don't just come right at somebody and already have them judged and put in a slammer for something that they did when we have issues.
• 41:30
  Daniel Moore: We need to find a different way to word all of that and try to keep it on a mutual ground, instead of just coming out and saying you're the most horrible, worst husband I've ever had because you do this and you do that and you're never going to change.
• 41:44
  Daniel Moore: That's not a way to solve a problem and you know it goes both ways, for the husband and the wife.
• 41:51
  Daniel Moore: And so whenever we have these issues in our marriages and we're trying to fix them, you know that's something me and you used to do a lot.
• 41:59
  Daniel Moore: We criticized each other a bunch and we played that blame game, you know, quite often before everything started happening and that degraded the relationship and the love that we once had between each other.
• 42:13
  Daniel Moore: Because, we felt like neither one of us was good enough for the other one, because we could never, never, you was good enough for the other one, because we could never, you know, stack up.
• 42:20
  Daniel Moore: I mean, you know, we never felt like we were good enough, or whatever, because we were constantly degrading each other and just criticizing each other for everything that we did, and so Well, I want to just say one thing.
• 42:35
  Michelle Moore: I think you know it's really important, obviously, if you have something that's bothering you, to tuck it in for just until you have that time to sit down with your husband face to face and talk about the negative of the week.
• 42:52
  Daniel Moore: That cool off time.
• 42:53
  Michelle Moore: Yeah and then follow it up with a positive.
• 42:56
  Michelle Moore: I don't know if you guys can tell the difference between Dan and I.
• 43:01
  Michelle Moore: He's a doomsday.
• 43:02
  Michelle Moore: He calls himself a realist.
• 43:06
  Michelle Moore: I'm an optimistic person, very positive.
• 43:08
  Michelle Moore: I look at things in a very positive way and always trying to see the best of everything.
• 43:14
  Michelle Moore: He's totally opposite of me.
• 43:16
  Michelle Moore: Always trying to see the best of everything, he's totally opposite of me.
• 43:21
  Michelle Moore: So there are a lot of things that I can see that will like oh, that was kind of hateful, you know, and I'll take, you know, some time, not so much now, but back then I was like, well, when you said this, you know, and it was kind of mean, and he was like, well, I didn't mean it that way and it's like that's how you came across and it kind of hurt me.
• 43:37
  Michelle Moore: And you know we talked that through.
• 43:39
  Michelle Moore: But I think you know, having a date night once a week after you've had a fight or something, if something's bothering you, you need to talk about it.
• 43:50
  Michelle Moore: You need to be honest, real and truthful to your spouse and you both have had a cooling off period and sometimes your spouse doesn't even know it.
• 44:01
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 44:02
  Michelle Moore: But it needs to be talked about.
• 44:04
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 44:05
  Michelle Moore: Because I think personalities and emotions women are emotional.
• 44:09
  Michelle Moore: I'll be 100% honest with that one.
• 44:12
  Michelle Moore: I'll be real.
• 44:14
  Michelle Moore: I guess let's just say it that way, let's be a realist.
• 44:16
  Daniel Moore: Yes, let's be a realist for a second.
• 44:18
  Michelle Moore: We do.
• 44:18
  Michelle Moore: I mean, we have emotions and you know we can play on those, and that's the reason why I think it's very you got to take time away from the situation and really pray about it.
• 44:30
  Michelle Moore: Then come to your spouse and be like, okay, hey, let's talk about this, you know.
• 44:34
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 44:34
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, hey, let's talk about this, you know, yeah, yeah, just don't attack and judge.
• 44:37
  Michelle Moore: No.
• 44:38
  Daniel Moore: Right off the bat, because you got to leave some room there for the discussion to take place and you're going to automatically shut that conversation.
• 44:46
  Daniel Moore: You're going to lock that door as soon as you start coming at them and automatically give them that verdict.
• 44:53
  Daniel Moore: And so that's the point we're at now is, if we do have issues, me and you can talk about it.
• 44:58
  Daniel Moore: Because if I hurt your feelings over something, you're not scared one bit to come and talk to me about it.
• 45:06
  Michelle Moore: If you know vice versa, I'm not scared one bit to come to talk to you because we know that we're both going to talk it through Well and again, because we've been married so long too, your seasons change and how you look at things are a lot different, and it's you know.
• 45:19
  Michelle Moore: We don't really have any disagreements.
• 45:22
  Michelle Moore: Very, very often, again, it comes back to kids.
• 45:25
  Michelle Moore: Mama wants to do anything and everything for kids and grandkids.
• 45:31
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it makes it hard.
• 45:32
  Daniel Moore: So the moral there is don't have any kids.
• 45:35
  Daniel Moore: What?
• 45:38
  Michelle Moore: He was joking on that.
• 45:41
  Daniel Moore: I couldn't let that one slide by.
• 45:42
  Daniel Moore: So yeah, I think we got our point across there.
• 45:46
  Daniel Moore: On the criticism and complaining, Just be careful with that.
• 45:50
  Aria: Yes.
• 45:50
  Daniel Moore: Because that'll make or break a marriage real quick and talk about it If you're not careful.
• 45:54
  Daniel Moore: Truth in marriage also means not lying.
• 45:57
  Daniel Moore: When lies are present in the marriage, the relationship isn't real and of course, for that reason there can't really be any true intimacy at all, because you're just lying about everything.
• 46:07
  Daniel Moore: The most destructive lies are those husbands and wives tell each other when they're having an affair and when the truth comes out it is devastating to the betrayed spouse.
• 46:17
  Daniel Moore: And so Michelle and I, you know, in our marriage there was a point, if you listen to our testimony, that I flat out lied to my wife, to Michelle, you know, when it came to having more kids.
• 46:33
  Daniel Moore: You know, from the very beginning, when we first started dating, we had both talked about this and we were on the same page at that point about having more children.
• 46:37
  Daniel Moore: And then, as the things played out like they did, I changed my mind and I decided that I was going to fix the problem permanently.
• 46:47
  Daniel Moore: And she didn't agree with that.
• 46:50
  Daniel Moore: Obviously she was still thinking the other way, that we were going to still have some children together Because we had kids from our previous marriages, but we didn't have one between the two of us.
• 47:00
  Daniel Moore: And so I lied through a whole situation there to trick her into signing paperwork and going to the doctor with me to get the procedure done and, as she stated in our testimony, that totally devastated her.
• 47:15
  Daniel Moore: I think probably that bucket full of trust, whatever was left in that testimony, that totally devastated her.
• 47:18
  Daniel Moore: I think probably that bucket full of trust, whatever was left in that bucket, probably pretty much dumped out that day whenever she found out later and, of course, when all that happened and everything.
• 47:30
  Daniel Moore: And it never pays off to do that, because at that point you were for sure questioning everything about us, about who I really am, who I really was, and you know, all that trust and everything that you put into me was just gone at that point and that's not a healthy place to be at all no.
• 47:53
  Daniel Moore: At all.
• 47:53
  Daniel Moore: And then, of course, later on, as time went along and our marriage continued to deteriorate down to the place where it just was non-existent anymore really.
• 48:10
  Daniel Moore: Then the affair happened with you and of course, then that flipped the tables on me, because you know I'd already done this, what I had done to you, and crushed all of your trust and everything.
• 48:18
  Michelle Moore: Well then, when that was done back to me in a different fashion, I was going to say I don't think, I don't think, I know I didn't set out just to do something to you.
• 48:29
  Daniel Moore: It wasn't a retaliation.
• 48:30
  Daniel Moore: No, it was never a retaliation at all.
• 48:33
  Daniel Moore: It was inevitable.
• 48:34
  Daniel Moore: It was going to go that way because of the way our marriage was.
• 48:37
  Michelle Moore: But it still.
• 48:37
  Michelle Moore: You know, and we've talked about this, you know, multiple times not multiple times, but we talked about it in the past of you know, it's something that should have never happened.
• 48:46
  Michelle Moore: Had my relationship been in Christ, I would have never crossed that line, I would have never allowed the conversations to take place and the feelings to become.
• 48:56
  Michelle Moore: I wouldn't have ever done that, and you know, I don't blame Daniel at all, you know, and even though he says he took part in it, and the thing is, I made a choice and that choice was wrong.
• 49:11
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so we know there's probably people listening.
• 49:14
  Daniel Moore: That's either in an affair at this point, maybe trying to get out of it, maybe you are toying with the idea of having an affair right at the moment and I knew it was wrong.
• 49:24
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, in the back of my head, I knew it was wrong.
• 49:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and there's nothing right about it, whether if you're at the point where you're thinking about it right at the moment or if you've already done it.
• 49:34
  Daniel Moore: Even the thought process is a sin, and so that's something you need to stay away from.
• 49:39
  Daniel Moore: But if you have had an affair and this is something that you're still struggling to get through and you're struggling to get past it the only way that healing is going to ever occur after an affair is there's going to have to be complete repentance and honesty, and Michelle and I can both vouch for that.
• 49:57
  Daniel Moore: We both were brought down to our lowest valley, to the point where we both completely understood what we did to each other and was truly repentant for it.
• 50:07
  Daniel Moore: If we had never gotten to that point and really wanted to be honest with each other again, we wouldn't be sitting here right now.
• 50:12
  Daniel Moore: It would have been completely over with.
• 50:15
  Daniel Moore: There can't be justification, you can't rationalize it and you cannot blame transfer.
• 50:20
  Daniel Moore: That's not going to fix having an affair.
• 50:23
  Daniel Moore: There must be total ownership for the failure by the sinful spouse and subsequently there must be complete honesty about every detail of that affair.
• 50:33
  Daniel Moore: You can't leave things out because, as dirty and dark as it can get, if you don't air all of that stuff out and get it completely out in the open, then over years, if little things keep trickling out, it's going to reopen those wounds again.
• 50:49
  Daniel Moore: So you don't want that to happen.
• 50:51
  Daniel Moore: You don't want to band-aid it.
• 50:53
  Daniel Moore: You need to make sure that everything, the whole slate, is wiped clean.
• 50:57
  Daniel Moore: The betrayed spouse must be able to ask any question and get an honest answer for healing to occur and for trust to be rebuilt over time and thankfully, you and I were able to do that.
• 51:10
  Daniel Moore: And that fixed our marriage.
• 51:12
  Daniel Moore: Truth also means being honest about feelings and thoughts that compromise the ability to relate properly.
• 51:18
  Daniel Moore: It isn't the big issues that threaten a marriage.
• 51:21
  Daniel Moore: It's all those little foxes that spoil the vine.
• 51:24
  Daniel Moore: It's all the little things that eventually pile up until they become dynamite and explode.
• 51:30
  Daniel Moore: You must have a daily house cleaning and discipline yourself to ensure the lines of communication stay completely open.
• 51:37
  Michelle Moore: So good.
• 51:38
  Daniel Moore: There's just no way around that.
• 51:39
  Daniel Moore: So all of you out there that if you're in an affair right now, or just came out of one, and you're fighting all of this stuff, you're going to have a long road ahead of you to try to fix all of this.
• 51:50
  Daniel Moore: But at the core of fixing the issue and getting your marriage back where it needs to be is 100% open honesty.
• 51:58
  Michelle Moore: And it's taken me years.
• 52:00
  Michelle Moore: I mean what?
• 52:02
  Michelle Moore: 10, 15?
• 52:03
  Michelle Moore: It's taken me a long time to be able to even talk about it because Satan had such a hold on me with shame.
• 52:13
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 52:14
  Michelle Moore: And you know it shocks me to even be able to talk about it right now.
• 52:18
  Michelle Moore: I mean, there's a part of me that you know Satan's like.
• 52:21
  Michelle Moore: I can't.
• 52:21
  Michelle Moore: You know, I can't believe you would even speak this, but I know if this is for anyone that has walked through this.
• 52:29
  Michelle Moore: God can restore that and Satan be gone you.
• 52:34
  Daniel Moore: Satan's still going to fight your mind and he's still going to try to make you think that you're worthless and not worthy of the forgiveness, and that you're still a loser, or even your love.
• 52:58
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, he's going to attack your love, our marriage.
• 52:59
  Michelle Moore: It was so hard, even when we were trying to work things through.
• 53:02
  Michelle Moore: And it doesn't happen overnight, no, I kept thinking like do you deserve this, do you deserve me?
• 53:09
  Michelle Moore: It was broken because I did what I did.
• 53:12
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and those thoughts of dishonesty are going to be there, even if you're totally honest, you've laid everything out on the table and every detail of everything that happened through.
• 53:22
  Daniel Moore: The whole mess is all out there and both spouses know there's still going to be a year or two or three, or however long it takes you to get past all of that.
• 53:31
  Daniel Moore: There's going to be moments you're going to think I wonder if there's still something going on I don't know about.
• 53:38
  Michelle Moore: And you have to be okay, the one that's committed.
• 53:40
  Michelle Moore: You have to be okay with them checking your phone, your cell phone and stuff like that.
• 53:45
  Michelle Moore: Not necessarily, you know, but they need to understand that that's okay, because you had broke that trust.
• 53:56
  Michelle Moore: That's a trust builder, yeah you have to be okay with that and I think you know I don't want to say it took us forever or took me a long time.
• 54:05
  Michelle Moore: I feel like you know, once Dan and I started working through it and really put God first, his redemption and his restoration of our marriage was just unbelievable For me.
• 54:20
  Michelle Moore: It was like wipe slate clean.
• 54:22
  Michelle Moore: That, you know.
• 54:22
  Michelle Moore: It's like that's the past.
• 54:23
  Michelle Moore: Move forward, you know, and this is what God's provided for us now.
• 54:27
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and you've done an excellent job with keeping my trust, because you've it's gotten to a point at one point in time.
• 54:35
  Daniel Moore: you know in the previous years that I got to a point where I just knew in my heart that you would never do something like that again, and so I had no doubts and that's what I pray helps the people that's listening today.
• 54:48
  Daniel Moore: I pray that they if anybody's going through that right now or has been through it and you're still struggling, I just pray that God will give you that sense of purity and honesty in your life that you can trust your spouse and, you know, regrow that relationship.
• 55:05
  Daniel Moore: So the final point here it's just a short one is teamwork, and I have written next to that.
• 55:13
  Daniel Moore: Teamwork makes the dream work.
• 55:14
  Daniel Moore: That's the first thing I thought of, you know, whenever I put a little smiley face by it.
• 55:19
  Daniel Moore: Men and women are different by God's design.
• 55:23
  Daniel Moore: One of the surest ways to fail is to try to change the unchangeable, and there are things in all of our lives that we would like to change, but we can't.
• 55:34
  Daniel Moore: You know, there's things I'd like to change about Michelle and there's things that she would like to change about me.
• 55:40
  Michelle Moore: Not much, Not a whole lot probably.
• 55:41
  Michelle Moore: I would like a little bit more hair on the head.
• 55:43
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and she can't do that.
• 55:46
  Daniel Moore: It's not going to work.
• 55:49
  Daniel Moore: I mean, I've been trying to figure out how to do that and I can't even figure it out.
• 55:56
  Daniel Moore: There's just things that that's inevitable.
• 55:58
  Daniel Moore: There's things about your spouses that you're always going to think, man, I wish is a little bit different.
• 56:01
  Daniel Moore: But you can't change some of that stuff, and God gives you the grace to accept that.
• 56:07
  Michelle Moore: Now I'm going to be sitting here wondering all night long what it is that you haven't told me, that you want me to change.
• 56:13
  Daniel Moore: Well, once I can trust you, I'll tell you.
• 56:16
  Michelle Moore: Oh, I see.
• 56:19
  Daniel Moore: But yeah, the four basic needs of women are this Security, open and honest communication, soft, non-sexual affection and leadership.
• 56:29
  Daniel Moore: The four basic needs of men are honor, sex friendship with his wife and domestic support.
• 56:37
  Daniel Moore: So if you're married to a normal person, they aren't like you in very many areas.
• 56:42
  Daniel Moore: They're going to be totally opposites.
• 56:44
  Daniel Moore: That's why they say opposites attract, and some people have the misconception that compatibility is based on sameness, and that's just not true.
• 56:54
  Daniel Moore: There's Michelle is a totally different person than I am.
• 56:57
  Daniel Moore: I have completely different likes and dislikes.
• 57:00
  Daniel Moore: There are things that we have that are compatible with each other.
• 57:04
  Daniel Moore: There's no doubt about that.
• 57:06
  Daniel Moore: But there are things that we could both list, that are things that I like, that are me, that you're not going to find on Michelle's list, and there's things on her list you're not going to find them on mine.
• 57:17
  Daniel Moore: And so don't get that misconception that you're not compatible with somebody unless you are exactly the same, because that's not the way that works.
• 57:25
  Daniel Moore: Compatibility in marriage is based on shared faith, it's based on character, it's based on values and life goals.
• 57:33
  Daniel Moore: There's no such thing as a marriage where two people are just alike, even though we want to have many things in common our needs, natures, love, languages, giftings, money, languages, talents and many other things about each other are very different.
• 57:47
  Daniel Moore: There's just a lot of things there that aren't, and some of those might be the same in some cases, but then you may have other things that are different.
• 57:55
  Daniel Moore: There's no way you're going to be completely the same.
• 57:57
  Daniel Moore: For communication to happen in marriage, we need to let our spouses know that we accept and celebrate their differences.
• 58:03
  Daniel Moore: If we reject them or just tolerate the differences, it damages the sense of unity and teamwork that is so crucial to a marriage relationship.
• 58:12
  Daniel Moore: Teamwork is developed by letting our spouses know that we need them they are God's gift to us to fulfill what was lacking when we were single.
• 58:22
  Daniel Moore: It is also in celebrating their differences.
• 58:26
  Daniel Moore: As on any great team that has great accomplishments, you need a variety of skills.
• 58:31
  Daniel Moore: Baseball team you've got a catcher, you've got a pitcher.
• 58:34
  Daniel Moore: You've got a first baseman.
• 58:35
  Daniel Moore: You've got an outfielder.
• 58:37
  Daniel Moore: There's people out on that team that that's their specific spot.
• 58:40
  Daniel Moore: You know we played softball for years in adult league and the best spot that I found that I played the best was at pitcher.
• 58:47
  Daniel Moore: My wife could be a left fielder.
• 58:49
  Daniel Moore: She could take the ball and throw it clear into home plate.
• 58:52
  Daniel Moore: If I'd have done that, I'd have threw my arm out of socket and had to have surgery on it and have it repaired.
• 58:57
  Daniel Moore: I just I did not have that kind of an arm, but you did.
• 59:01
  Daniel Moore: So we both had our spot on that team and that's the way it works for our marriages.
• 59:08
  Daniel Moore: You have positives that you bring to the table, I have the positives that I bring, and whenever we focus on those and we try to have good accomplishments out of all of that, that's what makes that team work between spouses.
• 59:25
  Michelle Moore: So good.
• 59:26
  Daniel Moore: If both of us are the same, one of us is unnecessary, and you know that's just the truth of it.
• 59:35
  Daniel Moore: If both spouses are identical and there's nothing different between one or the other, then really one of us is unnecessary.
• 59:42
  Daniel Moore: The best moment of our marriage is when we accepted each other for the differences that we had and what it brought to the table of our marriage.
• 59:53
  Daniel Moore: So, as we close this week's episode, the five pillars of communication are the right tone, enough time, trust, truth and teamwork.
• 1:00:04
  Daniel Moore: If you've never put these priorities into practice, you can start today.
• 1:00:08
  Daniel Moore: As we finish this episode, right where you are, you know.
• 1:00:12
  Daniel Moore: Don't become discouraged and give up, because it all is worth it.
• 1:00:15
  Michelle Moore: Yes.
• 1:00:16
  Daniel Moore: And when it comes to being a team, I feel like at this point in our marriage and in our life, michelle and I make an excellent team.
• 1:00:23
  Daniel Moore: We both, you know, we share in leadership in some places within the church, and then we both have our things that we do on our own as well, and with all of that in the big picture, it all meshes really well, and I think it's because I'm rubbing off on you and you're becoming a little bit more optimistic than a realist.
• 1:00:47
  Daniel Moore: Just be careful, because if I become just like you, one of us are going to be unnecessary.
• 1:00:52
  Michelle Moore: Well, just so that you know it was just a smidgen of the optimistic.
• 1:00:58
  Michelle Moore: It wasn't much, but I think you know that's.
• 1:01:01
  Michelle Moore: I keep you in line with that.
• 1:01:04
  Daniel Moore: Yeah Well, there's just not much void inside of me.
• 1:01:07
  Daniel Moore: So that little piece, that little spot there of void, I think you might've got a little optimism in there, but it's full.
• 1:01:15
  Daniel Moore: You can't put any more in there, oh goodness.
• 1:01:20
  Michelle Moore: And guys, this is what it's all about.
• 1:01:22
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I'm sitting here watching my husband laugh and smile and you know that's the best thing ever for me.
• 1:01:29
  Michelle Moore: I just I absolutely love it and spending time talking about all of our issues that we had in the past and hopefully this will help you and you know we look forward to talking to you on the next one.
• 1:01:45
  Michelle Moore: I am so appreciative of all of you guys for going before us, praying about this podcast and giving us feedback and loving on us, because it's not an easy thing to do.
• 1:01:57
  Michelle Moore: It's probably easier for Daniel than it is for me and I just appreciate everyone that has been close to us, that has literally been involved by praying with us for us and encouraging us.
• 1:02:12
  Daniel Moore: Yes, and I want to put this out as we close today I've not been really saying much about this here in the last weeks of our episodes, but if anybody listening, if you guys are having any issues in your marriage right now and have some questions and you've heard us talk about some things today that you're going through and you saw that we've been able to overcome that If you have questions and that kind of thing, we'd love to try to help.
• 1:02:38
  Daniel Moore: Like we said before, we don't have all the answers.
• 1:02:40
  Daniel Moore: We're not going to claim that we do, but we do have some experience and, if anything, we can give you some good biblical feedback of how we accomplish some things in our marriage to wrong some rights and to change some direction on some paths in our lives.
• 1:02:57
  Daniel Moore: And if you'd like, you can reach out on the website.
• 1:03:00
  Daniel Moore: There's a form there that you can fill out and it'll send it to us, or you can email Daniel at connectingthegapnet and, of course, we'll keep anything that you send private, unless you allow us to share it on the podcast.
• 1:03:13
  Daniel Moore: We definitely won't do that, but we just we want this to be a faith builder.
• 1:03:18
  Daniel Moore: We want this to be a marriage builder, everything that we're discussing with you guys each week that we've been through this so far and we've got a long ways to go.
• 1:03:25
  Daniel Moore: This study is awesome and it's got quite a bit more to it, and so we're going to continue to grow with you guys in this, and we just want this to be a ministry that serves you.
• 1:03:38
  Daniel Moore: You know, god has done a miracle a little miracle in our lives, between Michelle and I, and we'd love to see that miracle take place in your life, and so if there's anything at all that we could, you know, help you, just pour into you a little bit.
• 1:03:50
  Michelle Moore: Even if you want to go for a cup of coffee and a chat.
• 1:03:53
  Michelle Moore: If you're close yeah.
• 1:03:55
  Daniel Moore: If you're over in Germany listening to this or somewhere that's going to be a little difficult?
• 1:04:00
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, because this podcast does go worldwide, it's not just in the US.
• 1:04:03
  Daniel Moore: But yes, if you're close and would like to do that, we're open to that as well.
• 1:04:08
  Daniel Moore: But we just pray that God's blessing be upon each of you in your marriages and any issues you may have.
• 1:04:14
  Daniel Moore: We'll stand in that gap in prayer.
• 1:04:16
  Daniel Moore: We bind Satan in Jesus' name.
• 1:04:18
  Daniel Moore: There's nothing Satan can speak over your marriage that can come to fruition unless you allow it, and so always keep God on your side.
• 1:04:28
  Daniel Moore: Well, we're going to call it good for this week.
• 1:04:29
  Daniel Moore: It's been a little bit longer episode than what we've had, but we just wanted to finish this section here on communication and we hope you receive something from that.
• 1:04:37
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, the host for this podcast, and my wife Michelle's been in with me this week here co-hosting as we go through this series on the four laws of love.
• 1:04:47
  Daniel Moore: We thank you so much for listening.
• 1:04:48
  Daniel Moore: The show wouldn't be possible without you.
• 1:04:50
  Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, subscribe to us on your favorite platform and the links are in the show notes on most of our platforms.
• 1:05:00
  Daniel Moore: That's all for this week, and we believe that God's word never fails us.
• 1:05:03
  Daniel Moore: God's word has stood the test of time and through God's Word has stood the test of time, and through Jesus' death on the cross, he has connected the gap.
• 1:05:09
  Aria: You've been listening to Connecting the Gap Podcast.
• 1:05:12
  Aria: In this world, there are many disconnects that cause chaos in our lives.
• 1:05:15
  Aria: This podcast is birthed from the desire to share hope and restoration of the power of the gospel by being transparent and open in our biblical walk with God.
• 1:05:23
  Aria: Each week, we take a few moments as we navigate God's Word and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap.
• 1:05:30
  Aria: We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble.
• 1:05:35
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• 1:05:38
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• 1:05:48
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• 1:05:51
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• 1:05:56
  Aria: We hope you are blessed by this ministry.
• 1:05:58
  Aria: This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.