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Why We Ghost Ourselves (and How to Come Back) — Part 1 · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we go quiet, not because we're done, not because we don't care, but because something inside us is being challenged and we haven't figured out what to say yet.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Today I want to talk about that quiet, why we ghost ourselves, why we drift away from the things that matter most to us, and what it means to come back.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Leaders, the parents, the solopreneurs, the overthinkers, the men who want to live with more meaning but feel pulled into a thousand different directions.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Let's go.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: This morning I was pacing my office with my coffee in hand, my mic wasn't even on yet, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to record today Because, honestly, I've felt quiet lately too, not shut down, just quiet Like there's something brewing that I can't quite name yet, and I wondered what the hell am I doing?
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Why am I still trying to speak in this noisy, chaotic world?
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: And, honestly, I remembered you, my listeners, the people who don't always hit reply, the quiet ones, and I know there are people out there listening, trying this stuff, reflecting and building some new version of themselves in the shadows.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: And so let me say this first If you are listening and you've gone quiet, thank you.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Thank you for coming back and listening.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: You're not broken, you're not behind, back and listening, you're not broken, you're not behind.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: You're just being called by something bigger, and that quiet might be your soul's way of integrating that call.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: So let me pull back the curtain a little bit more.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: A lot of people assume that coaches and other leaders have it all figured out.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Well, we don't.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: We're just trained to stay with the discomfort a little bit longer, to slow down instead of spiraling down mentally, to question, question the story that's trying to hijack us our own self for just a moment.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: And that's why this podcast exists.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: It isn't here for me to pretend, but to practice.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: And that means to practice speaking even when we're not sure, to show up when we feel awkward, and to trust that your inner compass isn't broken.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: It is just covered in some dust.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: In coaching, silence is the language.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: People stop responding to emails, people stop coming to their sessions and then they say they want change, but then they vanish.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I used to take it personally, but now I just get more curious.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Because people don't go quiet because they're lazy.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: They go quiet because the next step for them might cost them something.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: It might cost them having to let go of an old story about themselves.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: It might force them to admit that they don't have all the answers, or even having to stare down the truth of what they really truly want.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: And that brings me to a client I work with.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: We'll call him Jake.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Jake's a father, a husband and, for years, a high performer in the corporate world.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: He made great money, he hit his deadlines and he really provided, but it cost him something along the way Presence, peace, joy.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Now, well, now he's started his own business.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: He's building custom pieces for his neighbors and their houses and he's handing out business cards, he's ordering his new t-shirts and he's giving out handmade cutting boards as thank you gifts to his clients.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean it's easy.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: He said this line that stuck with me today.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I haven't convinced her of where I'm going or of who I am becoming.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: That other person was his wife, but I also think he meant himself too.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: He hadn't convinced himself that this new version of his life was real.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: He's carrying some guilt.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: He's carrying guilt around the shift in his income and the loss of his corporate certainty and, most of all well, about watching his wife carry the financial stress that he used to shoulder.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: The guilt is kind of eating him alive.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: And let's name this.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Guilt is one of the most sociably acceptable addictions that we have in modern adulthood right, especially for men, we wear guilt like a badge.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: We think it means we care more.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: But guilt can be sticky and if we don't work with it and recognize it it can become a way of staying stuck while feeling noble about it.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: So Jake and I talked about this how guilt unchecked becomes resentment.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: He felt it a little bit in some of the energy around his relationship, around his relationship.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Even more guilt can erode your confidence, even when everything looks okay on the outside.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: So he started small with me.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: He shared that.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: He wrote her some jokes and dirty jokes and slipped them into her wallet and he also left her a little folded note with dumb rhymes and inside jokes between them.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: And you know what happened?
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: He said she smiled and she laughs and that she felt seen.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: And in that one tiny act this became his new habit and we called it a love bid.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: It's an idea from the book Love 2.0, and a love bid is a micro moment of positive connection, a tiny signal that says to that other person I see you, I care.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: It could be making a cup of coffee for your partner, it could be sending that goofy text to a friend that might feel lonely.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: It could also be saying something simple to a friend who's talking.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Tell me more.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: These small moments, they build up trust, they build up a connection and they help us back away from that silence.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: So I'll ask you where have you gone quiet?
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Where have you ghosted your own growth?
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's your journaling, maybe it's dating, maybe it's reconnecting with your kid or calling your brother.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Listen, it doesn't take a whole life overhaul, it takes just one bid, one note, one breath.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: And speaking of breath, here's a quick practice Right now, wherever you're at, let your exhale get a little longer, not forced, just a few seconds longer.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Feel your feet, notice the room around you, come back, come back.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: You're back.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: You didn't need to fix anything.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: And let me leave a tool with you right now, a tool from the seven habits of highly effective people, one of the classics from Stephen Covey, and it's habit number two.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Begin with with the end in mind.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: So here's some journaling prompts that I would love for you to write down and spend a few minutes on.
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: The first question or prompt is what do you want said about you at your funeral?
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Funeral, what are three things or feelings or experiences that you want more of this year, and what is one small action today that reflects that?
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Seriously, pause this, write those down or speak them out loud while you're walking and let them simmer, let them soak into you.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Jake did this During our session.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: He discovered that it wasn't new goals or new targets in his life.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: It was really a new, deeper level of ownership Ownership of that tension that we might feel, ownership of his energy and ownership of how he wanted to love and show up for his family and wife better.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: So if you're waiting for a breakthrough, maybe this is it.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Stop waiting for permission, stop confusing guilt with love and, for the love of everything holy, stop pretending that your silence is strength.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Sometimes silence is just the sound of our new self trying to emerge.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: So be kind to it, but don't let it run the show.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: This is Fierce Encouragement.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: My name is Mark Walker and next week I'm going to jump into part two of this story and some of the things that I would like to share, especially around the first habit from Stephen Covey be proactive.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: We'll connect all of that to some Buddhist mindfulness meditation, the masculine obsession with needing to control and how to stop treating our inner work like a to-do list.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: So until then, make one love bid, write down one truth for you, and let that be enough for today.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Wherever you're at, I hope you have a good day, a good night, and we will catch you next time on Fierce Encouragement.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Be well, bye-bye you.