Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Stop Faking Org*sms! | Sarah Perry | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Stop Faking Org*sms! | Sarah Perry | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yay! I'm so excited to be here! How are you guys doing?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah! I'm pumped to be anywhere, anywhere, but my twin sister's bachelorette party.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's where I just was, which was awkward because I wasn't invited.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um I no, I was so invited I had to plan that thing.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody ever plan a bachelorette party in here?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Any ladies?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: No?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'd rather shove a dick straw down my eye.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I had to plan my twin sister's party with my older sisters, and the entire time they were like, Don't forget.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta play those games.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta play those bat track games.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget, we gotta play those backtrack games.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Those batch track games, don't forget, those bat track games.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Why do we have to play games with this thing?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And they said, Well, we have to get to know the bride.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you guys, she is our fucking sister.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we should know her by now.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: They made us play the underwear game.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys know what that is?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody know what the underwear game is?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: No?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: This guy's like, I wanna know.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Uh everybody at the party, everybody buys the bride to be, my twin sister, a pair of sexy underwear, a pair of sexy lingerie.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you throw all the underwear in a bag, and then after she's had 18 bottles of wine and a bowl of penis-shaped pasta, okay?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: She picks out the undies one by one.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And the game is she guesses which one of us picks, which one of us brought her which pair of underwear.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Based on what?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Our personalities, right?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what are we like Wacky and Becky got me those assless chaps, that silly bitch, right?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what are we- I was like, can we not?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do we have like my dad is gonna be there?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do we have to do this?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And we did, we did play, but it was over in two seconds because she knew immediately that I got her the used pair.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So it was it was a quick.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm broke.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm gonna need those back, okay?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Those are my trusty crusties.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I oh, you've never had sex with a woman.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, uh I know.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, okay, uh I don't know.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: My sister was too chill with her engagement, too chill.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: We know her reaction because her fiance hid a hidden camera in the room.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: He got down on one knee, professed his love for her, asked for her hand in marriage.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: She looked at him and said, sure.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: She said, sure.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: That sounds harsh, but in my opinion, that's how it should be.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: It should be very little emotion.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that big of a deal.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have another one, right?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: And uh people laughing around their second marriages.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh, that's how it should be.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: It should be very chill.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because a few days after she got engaged, I saw the complete opposite reaction.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: The reaction I hate.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I saw my my bully from high school.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, this fucking bitch I hated in high school.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: She also this year got engaged.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hannah is her name.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And Hannah, she did that long bullshit Facebook post.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: You guys know what I'm talking about.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: You look like you've written one.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh, and we're like an 18 paragraph.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: She insisted over and over and over again that she had no idea that Bradley was gonna propose.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she didn't know.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like she didn't know, no, she didn't know, no, no, she didn't know, no, no, she didn't know, no, no.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, You guys, I didn't know.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had no idea he was doing it.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: He totally shocked me.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had no fucking idea.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had no idea.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know, no, I didn't know.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you had no idea, you're pregnant with his kid.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like a little inkling.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that big of a deal.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you guys met at a cracker barrel, he was your boss.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Relax.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not it's not a fairy tale, it's Missouri, right?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let's calm down.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: My sister and her, well now husband, they met on an app.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Did anybody meet on an app in here?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty wild.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: They got married off an app you did.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: A good one, a bad one, what which one?
• 3:29
  unknown: Tinder.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Tinder?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the worst one.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh are you guys married off Tinder?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: No, she's like, no, I'm just fucking him.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh anybody, did anybody meet on a different one?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Other than Tinder?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, yeah, which one?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Hinge.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Hinge, the classy one.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: The two you met on Hinge?
• 3:45
  unknown: Yeah.
• 3:45
  unknown: Yeah.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, whatever.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, do you like her?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: A little bit?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's the class.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: My sister and her friends have met on the one that I refuse to do.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: They met on Bumble, right?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I will never do that.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because isn't Bumble the one where the girl has to pay for the abortion?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I don't wanna.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: I just think it should be 50-50.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm on the road like every other weekend and I tell that joke, and then I'm like, fuck, what state am I in?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: But I thought that California was cool.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I no, the guy I'm seeing, I am seeing a guy right now.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a woman, you guys are like, but you're combat boots, but I'm seeing a guy right now.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and uh he little fun fact, catch you or fun fact about him, yeah, because he's not here, so fuck him, okay?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: This guy I'm seeing right now, he only has one ball.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: How about that, huh?
• 4:41
  unknown: Huh?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: How about that, huh, ladies?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: One less thing to worry about, huh?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not that, like, if you had two, I can't handle it, you know what I mean?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: But like three would be like, I don't want to juggle him, you know, but like, yeah, but one is fun.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: One is fun.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: I got a cute little nickname for him.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: I call him my little uniballer.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's cute, right?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's cute.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's way better than his nickname in high school.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: His nickname in high school was single sack.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Ugh, right?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: He had really mean teachers.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, um, but I think it's fun.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's a fun.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't think it was a big deal.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: He made it a big deal, okay?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because before the very first time we ever had sex, you know when you're having sex for the first time with somebody, it's exciting, you don't know if it's gonna be good or bad, and we're getting undressed, and I'm like, fuck yeah.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: And he he stops at his boxers and he goes, He got so shy, his whole personality changed, and he goes, I've got to tell you something.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: I only got one ball, and I laughed like you guys laughed, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was like, who gives a shit, right?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Well, the thing is, like, you might give a shit, like you might give a shit, because like the thing is, like, when I come, it's not gonna be like a lot of gum.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be like a little amount of cum.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I had to be like, oh.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: This is the best day of my li! What?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you think we want more cum?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Put it away.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been hanging out with my girlfriends, like talking about a recent hookup.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, he was cute and he was a good kisser, but you know what I was missing?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: A bucket of his jizz.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: I wanted it to drown me.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted it to ruin my fucking day.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Enough.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, we have nice dry sex.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's January.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody have any New Year's resolutions?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody doing that?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: A few guys in here are like, well, come less now.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh, nobody?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not a single hundred people in here.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what was it?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm boy sober.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're what?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Boy sober.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Boy sober.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: So uh you're so no, I know.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Some guys like she's a fucking lesbian, right?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: That makes sense.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So now you're dating a woman, okay?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's your New Year's resolution.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: No dick.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm not even that's not my resolution.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've uh completed it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, uh, yeah.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even talk shit.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Mine's the same thing every year.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: I renew I have the same resolution.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Every year I renew it like a little library book, okay?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: And it's to be cool.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's a little adult, but be cool.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's every year to stop be cool.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's to be cool.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's to stop be cool about it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's to stop faking all of my orgasms for the year.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: The women laughing, the men look pissed.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Just listen.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Just listen.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's cliche, but we need to start being honest with who we're like hooking up with, who we're having sex with, as long as it's consensual, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: You need to be like, you know what?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I came that time.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: That time I didn't come.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: That time I was close, but a gentle breeze just threw me off.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: The women again.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: The men are like, I could come if you shoot me in the dick, okay?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'd have to focus, but it'd still feel good.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I did.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I followed through this year, January 1st.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I had a very serious sit-down with my shower head.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm kidding.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I uh her name's Leslie.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I did okay, this is a very this is a very personal, very personal fact about me.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: I personally have never had an orgasm from just vaginal penetration before, you guys.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I take that back.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: One time I was riding my bike super fast downhill and I slammed on the brakes, and it was indescribable.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's been a soul cycle.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, yeah, okay.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: But other than that, I have and I don't tell that to a room full of strangers to like feel bad for me or like as a challenge after the show, right?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I say it.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't know if you guys know this, but 68% of women, 68% of all women in the world have never had an orgasm from just vaginal penetration before.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, yeah, yeah, yep, yeah, yep, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a fact that I just made up just right now.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: But I saw a lot of relieved faces.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but I here's the thing.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: We know, as ladies, was looking up with a guy, sometimes it ha she switched for a reason, you know what I mean?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And every time it would happen, I'd be like, all right.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And every time it wouldn't, I'd be like, we'll give next time.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I was always positive about it until I hooked up with this real life human man once.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: We had sex.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: We finished having sex.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't finish.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't come.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even mention it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't even mention it.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: This guy had the balls to the ball.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: No, the balls to tell me.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: He had the balls to tell me that the reason I didn't come, the reason he couldn't make me come, the reason he couldn't give me an orgasm was because I have such a small clitoris.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: He called it that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what are you, a health teacher?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Get the fuck out of my apartment, right?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: This dude looked me dead in my eyes and goes, Oh, Sarah.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Gosh darn.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that you have such a small clitoris.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I couldn't find it.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: So in case you're wondering, that's why you didn't come this evening.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, thank you so much.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was wondering.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Also, fuck, fuck you.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck you.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a thing, right?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Small clits, not a thing.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Small dicks, I've seen a few, you know what I mean?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you want it to be big?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: You want it to be a golf ball?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: You want to choke on it?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: What are we talking about here, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's like getting mad at a train conductor because he couldn't find the train stop.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: You follow the tracks, you're gonna run into it, right?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: No one's hide- no one's like hiding their clit.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're never gonna find it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Not tonight.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: No, we're not doing that, right?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: And this, it's fucked up because this dude made me feel bad about it.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: He made me feel bad about my body, which is so fucked because I've seen dicks, you guys.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen plenty of dicks.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen big dicks, small dicks, your dad's dick.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen it all, okay?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I've never once made a dude feel bad about his situation down there.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because he can't help it.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing he can do about it.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I once saw a dick, okay.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Picture it in your own head in the light, okay?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: And once saw a penis identical.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Width, girth, shape, length, circumference, all the measurements, identical to one of those, um, one of those Bert's bees chapsticks.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Uncanny.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a man right now and you're not laughing, it's very telling.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Uh identical to one of those Bert's bee's chaps.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: But did I mention it?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Did I say anything to the guy?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: I just tried twisting it up the bottom to see.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's it for me.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks so much, guys.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Sarah Perry.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good night.