Latest / Natty Unfiltered / E31 Give Yourself a Chance: Stop Waiting and Start Building the Life You Want

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E31 Give Yourself a Chance: Stop Waiting and Start Building the Life You Want · Natty Unfiltered

0:00
Foreign welcome
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to Natty Unfiltered, the podcast for moms who love their kids but know they
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were meant for more. I'm Natty, a mom of three real estate
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agent and online entrepreneur, and this is where
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we talk confidence, mindset, money, and building a life that
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actually feels like yours. Today, I want to talk
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about something that affects all of those things.
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Your mindset. Especially how you handle
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your emotions when life isn't going the way you hoped.
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Because you can live in a beautiful neighborhood.
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You can have a house, the clothes, the vacations,
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and a life that looks amazing in pictures.
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But what happens when you put your phone down?
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How do you feel when it's quiet and you're alone
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with your thoughts? How do you handle disappointment?
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What do you do when you're angry? Can you explain
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what's bothering you or does everyone around
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you have to guess? Those questions matter to
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me more and more because so much of our
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energy goes into building a life that looks good.
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I want us to give some of that energy to building a life
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that feels good to actually live.
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I'm still working on this myself. I still have fears,
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I have doubts, and there are days when
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I also need support. I'm sharing
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this as a woman who's been working on herself for
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quite some time and I want
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to keep growing right along side you.
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So wherever you're listening from, take a breath.
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We're going to have an honest conversation.
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What success can and cannot give you First,
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I want to be clear about something.
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Money matters. Financial security
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matters. Being able to pay your bills
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without feeling sick to your stomach. Matters.
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I care about building income and creating opportunities for
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myself or my family. And I'm not going to pretend
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those things don't affect our quality of life.
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But I also believe we sometimes ask
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success to do a job it cannot do on its
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own. We think once I make more money,
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I'll finally feel enough. Once we move,
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I'll stop comparing. Once my business grows,
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I'll believe in myself. Once everything settles
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down, I'll deal with what's been bothering me.
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And then we reach one goal and then
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another one and then another one.
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And we find ourselves still carrying the same
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fears into different situation.
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Imagine getting home you've wanted for years,
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but spending every evening arguing
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in it. Or finally taking that vacation but being
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so overwhelmed by what's going on inside you that you
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can't even enjoying being there.
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The good things are still good. You're allowed to appreciate them,
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but they cannot have difficult conversation for you.
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They can't explain why you Feel angry
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or help you apologize when you've hurt someone.
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Those are the things that you need to understand of
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why you have those feelings. How do you going
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to deal with those feelings? And that all stems from your
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mindset. Now I'm a real estate agent
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and of course I appreciate beautiful homes, but even the
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most beautiful kitchen cannot do your emotional work.
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It already has enough to do with everyone asking what's for dinner?
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And you know this. You're a mom and you know this.
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If you always making dinners,
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making lunches, making breakfast. That's why
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I want both. I want us to build financial stability,
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pursue things we love, and learn how to take care of what's happening
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inside us along the way. You don't have to postpone
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the inner work until your life is more comfortable and
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you don't have to feel guilty for struggling. When there are good things
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in your life. You can be grateful for what you have and
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honest about what needs attention.
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Until you get your mindset straight,
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until you have a strong mindset, until you have a positive mindset,
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until you can describe to yourself
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and to somebody else your feelings
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and why are you feeling certain way and why are you
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the way you are. Then no matter how
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much money you have in the bank, no matter how
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much you can afford, it will not matter.
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A positive mindset has room for hard feelings.
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When I say mindset, I don't mean waking up every morning
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thrilled about everything.
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If you've got kids, responsibilities and
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a phone full of reminders, you probably know that some mornings
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require a little more effort than others.
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I mean paying attention to the way you talk to yourself,
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the meaning you give to what happens and what you
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do next. If something falls through, do you immediately
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decide nothing ever works out for you? If somebody
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disagrees with you, do you hear that as a proof that
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you're not good enough? If you feel anxious, do you shame
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yourself for feeling it? Those are the moments where mindset
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shows up. A positive mindset can sound like,
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I'm disappointed, I wanted this to work,
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I need a little time and then I'll figure out
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my next step. There's room for this, for the disappointment
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in that sentence. You're also leaving room for a
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future beyond it.
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Sometimes people hear, you know, be positive.
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And I always say that I'm one of those people that always
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says, be positive. Try to throw out negativity.
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And I know that it's always easier said than done.
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And I'm sure to others it feels like you're being told
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to stop talking about what hurts.
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So I don't want this conversation to do that to you.
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If something is painful, you can say it's painful.
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If you're exhausted, you can admit you're exhausted.
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You don't have to put an inspirational quote over every
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difficult experience before you're allowed to talk about it.
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And having a hard time doesn't tell me you have a
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weak mindset. People face grief,
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illness, financial pressure,
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family situations, job situations,
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and overall circumstances they did not
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choose. So they deserve care and practical
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support. I myself have
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plenty of those days where,
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you know, I can be feeling exhausted, maybe mentally, not so much physically.
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I can have bad days, and I can have days
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when they're not so great. And not because of me,
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but because of somebody
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that I. You know, some people in my life,
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it could be friends, it could be significant other. You know, maybe sometimes
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kids are not listening and it's
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okay to talk about those things. It's okay to not feel
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great on those days. And sometimes those days could be weeks
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and they could be months. Because as we know it, unless you
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are on your own and you have nobody around you,
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then you're the only one who can control your,
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not just behavior, but your mindset how, how you are to
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other people. But when you have friends, when you have significant
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other and kids, there's a lot that goes into how you
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feel. And a lot of times you can feel like you want to feel
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happy, you want to be joyful, you want to make plans,
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but you have people in your life that are sort of
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putting a damper on those things because
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you constantly worry, you stress, you anxious, and you want
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to have that outlet where you can just let
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out those fears, though, that unhappiness.
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And maybe there could be another family member you can go
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to. Maybe it can be your best friend or you can be your
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close friend. You should have this safe
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space where you can let it all out
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and not be judged and you can
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have that support. And the people that,
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the people that actually for you feel like a safe,
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safe place, safe space, they're not
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going to get tired of listening to you. They're not going to tell you to
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just suck it up and to move on or
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just tell you, you know, this is how it is, or what do you think
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it's going to be better if you were alone
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or something like this. You want to, of course, you don't want to always
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hear the. For somebody to sugarcoat things for you, but it's
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also how you are approach the situation. It's. I always say
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it's not what you say, it's how you say it. And when
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you see that you have somebody in your life that's hurting,
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and they might be hurting for who quite some time,
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are you willing to be there for them or
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are you there just to have a good
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time? Because we all want to have a good time, but that's just not life.
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I don't know. You know, there's. There are people
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who, they have everything great in their life and that's
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wonderful. But a lot of us go through things
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and a lot of us go through things silently. We don't want to burden other
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people with our problems. Or if you've been shut down multiple
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times, then you don't want to open up and you just suffering inside.
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And sometimes when you out with people, it can really
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show. Or maybe you can shutting down and you're not picking up
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that phone, you're not making plans. And this is when those that
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close to you, when they notice it, they try
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to see what's going on to understand and just say,
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you know what, I'm there for you whenever you want
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to talk and maybe make those phone calls,
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it's not ticked for Tag, but just to be there for
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that person. And however time they need to go through what they're
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going through, it's comforting to know that you have
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somebody there that will be there for you no
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matter what. So the question I want to explore is within
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whatever choices are available to me today,
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how can I respond in the way that helps me?
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You know, some days that response is taking action. Some days
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is it's resting. Some days it's
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saying, I need someone to help me with this.
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Now, what is your anger trying to tell you?
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Think about the last time you got really angry.
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And you know, you might say, well, I don't really
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get angry. There's hardly anything that in my life will
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make me angry. And maybe there's some of
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you that say anything, that anything makes me angry.
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Even if I'm driving and somebody's driving slow, that makes me angry.
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Or my kids didn't make bed and that
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makes me angry. Whatever it is, you know, we have, some of us get
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angry super easy. Some of us just brush it off. And there's
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only a few things that makes us angry.
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But you have to think about, like what happened right before you
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got angry. And if someone had asked you why you
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were angry, could you have explained it beyond because
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they're annoying me? Well,
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that's not quite the answer because anything
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and everything can be annoying to you sometimes.
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The reason is clear, and somebody spoke disrespectfully,
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broke a promise, or crossed a boundary.
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Your anger may be telling you that something needs to change,
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and other times you have to sit with
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it a little longer to understand what's actually
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going on.
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You've been answering messages, working, driving kids
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around, and thinking about tomorrow. You walk into the kitchen and
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there are dishes everywhere. Somebody asks you where
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their sweatshirt is, and suddenly you're
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furious. Maybe the mess really is frustrating,
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but maybe there's also something bigger.
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I feel like I'm responsible for noticing everything,
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and I'm tired of having to ask for help.
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That's a very different conversation from nobody in
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this house cares about anything. When you can name what's
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bothering you, you can give yourself a better chance of asking for
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something specific, like, I need you to handle the
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kitchen tonight without waiting for me to direct it.
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Or imagine you see someone online doing something you wanted
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to do and you feel irritated and your first thought is
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to criticize them. If you pause, you might
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realize, I'm disappointed that I keep holding myself back.
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That realization can be uncomfortable.
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It can also give you something useful to work with.
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So I'll ask myself, what happened?
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What am I feeling? What meaning am I giving this?
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And what do I need now? You might
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be angry and hurt. You might be angry and scared. You might simply
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be angry about something unfair. There doesn't
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have to be a hidden explanation every time.
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The point is to get curious enough to understand yourself
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before you expect everyone else to understand you.
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Because if you don't understand yourself, how can
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anybody else understand you? How can anybody else even
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help you? Also giving
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yourself time before you respond, Understanding your
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feelings doesn't automatically make the next moment easy.
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You can know you're overwhelmed and still be very
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close to saying something you wish you hadn't said.
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That's where I think a pause can help.
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This is where you actually put
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in the work with your for yourself
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and realizing that when you
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know somebody says something, somebody does something,
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you stop and think. Don't just kind of blur things out.
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Don't say, well, this is how I am. Well, I'm just straight shooter.
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I just say how I feel and what I see.
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No, you need to stop and pause and
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think about, what exactly am I going to say? How am I going to
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respond? Because it's kind of like that saying, once you let that
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birdie out, it's very hard to catch. So once you say
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something, those words are out there and you can apologize all
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you want, but what you said can actually hurt
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somebody else. And even though they might say, okay, I'll forgive you,
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they will not forget. And it's still going to be with them.
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So it's not going to happen every time. But the
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more you actually stop and think and pause and
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decide how you're going to respond, what you're going
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to say is actually going to play a big role
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on how other people respond to you.
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And a lot of times you can be like an argument with somebody and
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another person is telling you things just to hurt you. They might not
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be true, but they're just trying to get under your skin. They're trying
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to pull every nasty thing that they can
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just to get a rise out of you. And this is when you decide,
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are you going to stoop to the side, same level,
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or you're going to rise above it? And if you know that
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things that are being said are not true,
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then maybe you don't need to respond. You just kind
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of let the person vent and you just stay calm.
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So your response is also fueling the
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other person how they're going to continue. And sometimes, yes, you can stay quiet
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or you, you know, you can have a response,
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but not in a vicious way. It can either
19:13
calm the other person down or they can get more
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angry. But you cannot control the other person's response.
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What you can do is you can control yourself and
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how you respond. So it might sound like,
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I want to talk about this, but I'm too upset to do
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it. Well right now. Can we come back to it in
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20 minutes? If you say that,
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follow through. Otherwise, taking space can
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turn into avoiding the conversation and the other person is
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left wondering whether you're ever going to address it.
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During that break. Try to give yourself an actual break.
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You know, you can put the phone down, get some water,
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sit somewhere quiet, or take a short walk if you can. Now,
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if you're in an argument with somebody, you're like a friend or something,
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yeah. You might not take a break because you guys
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are having a conversation. But if you, let's say,
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have an argument with significant other or maybe with the kids,
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sometimes you just need to take that time and say,
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okay, let's regroup and then we can discuss it further.
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Now you can,
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you can go as far as maybe take notes while
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you know that you're going to revisit that argument so
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that you know what you're going to know, what you're going to talk about,
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the subject that you're going to touch up, you know, during that discussion.
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It all depends on the different circumstances.
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But if you are discussing something that's been brewing,
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then maybe it does help to put things in writing.
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And then you can touch upon each kind
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of subject or each point so
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that you don't have to come back later on, say, oh, well, I wanted to
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discuss this and this. It's just better to talk about it
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all in one setting and resolve the
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situation and then kind of move on.
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You can ask yourself the question, what do I
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want from this conversation? Do you want an apology?
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Do you want help with some responsibilities?
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Do you need to say that something can't
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continue? Or whatever it is is just your
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preparation of how you want that conversation to be handled.
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And you can be direct. You can say, when you speak
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to me that way, I feel heard. I'm willing to discuss the problem, but I
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need us to speak respectfully. Of course, that doesn't
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guarantee that the other person will respond well, you can work on your
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communication and still need boundaries around someone else's behavior.
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Your feelings deserve attention. So does
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the effect of your actions.
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Being upset doesn't give any of us permission to insult,
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intimidate, or take our anger out on the
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people around us. And if we do speak harshly,
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there's room to repair it. I was overwhelmed and
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I raised my voice. That wasn't, okay, I'm sorry.
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Here's where I was trying to say.
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That kind of accountability is part of the work, too.
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You, whenever you take the accountability for your actions
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or for what you said, it goes really a long way.
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But you also have to keep in mind is that when
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you say I'm sorry, and you realize what you've done or what you said,
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and you can't be playing that card every single time
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when you recognize what you've done or what you've said might
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have hurt the person or how you reacted. Then whenever
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there's a next time you need to be doing better, you can be
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saying I'm sorry and then acting the same way.
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Because at some point then it's like, okay, you keep on saying
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you're sorry and you keep on saying, I'll do better next time. But when
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next time rolls around, you keep on repeating the same thing.
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So you have not learned the lesson. And me,
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let's say as a person, then I'm going to act accordingly. Because when
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you say, sorry, next time, I'm not going to believe you. I'm not really going
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to accept it because you keep on repeating the same
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thing, the same mistakes that you said that you're not going to do.
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So when relief becomes a way of avoiding what
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hurts let's talk about
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what we reach for when we don't want to feel what we're
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feeling. Because when you're upset, exhausted or
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angry, of course you want relief. Wanting a break from
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pain is understandable, but it's worth
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asking. Is what I'm doing helping me face my life?
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Or is it making it easier to keep avoiding something that
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needs attention? For example,
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alcohol can offer temporary relief from emotional discomfort,
24:46
while repeated drinking to cope can make
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difficult feelings worse. Over time,
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the argument, the worry or the hurt you were
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trying to escape may still be there afterwards.
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I want to say this carefully.
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Struggling with alcohol or other substances doesn't
25:08
mean someone lacks character or simply needs to think more
25:12
positively. Addiction can require professional treatment.
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Mindset work alone isn't substitute for that care.
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If you're recognizing a pattern yourself, you can deserve
25:27
support without shame. You can speak honestly with
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qualifying healthcare professional about what you're using,
25:34
how often, and what you are trying to get relief from.
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You don't have to know the perfect way to explain it.
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I've been using this cope and I'm concerned is
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enough to start a conversation. There are also
25:50
everyday ways to avoid ourselves.
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Constantly staying busy, shopping when we are upset,
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scrolling until we're too tired to think.
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Those habits aren't all equivalent to substance dependence,
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and enjoying them doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.
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I'm asking about the role they're playing in in your
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life. Afterward, do you feel rested and more
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able to deal with things? Or have you postponed the same feeling again?
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And sometimes we need comfort before we're ready to deal with
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a problem. That's okay. I just want us to notice
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when temporary comfort becomes our entire plan.
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Now, hearing the way you speak to yourself another
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place I think this work matters is the conversation you have with
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yourself all day. Maybe you make a mistake and immediately it's of course
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I messed that up or something takes longer than you expected and it becomes
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I'm so behind everyone else knows what
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they're doing. After a while, that voice can feel so familiar
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that you stop questioning.
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Through my own self work, including working on my
27:09
subconscious mind, I've been paying more attention to the beliefs I
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keep repeating. You know, the fears about showing up,
27:17
the doubts about whether I know enough, the worry about what
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other people might think. And I still have things to work through.
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I'm not going to sit here and tell you that once you
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begin, you never have anxious thoughts again.
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But I can ask whether the way I'm speaking to Myself is
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fair. If I'm learning something,
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why am I expecting myself to already be an expert?
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You know, if I'm having a hard day, why am I making a
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judgment about my whole life? You know, you can try a
27:53
more accurate sentence. I'm learning and I need more practice or
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I didn't handle that well. I can apologize and
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try a different approach. You don't have to force yourself to say
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something you don't believe. Start with something honest.
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That gives you room to grow. Think about
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how you speak to a friend who was trying.
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I mean, you'll probably acknowledge what was hard and help
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her. Him figure out what to do next.
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You deserve some of that patient for yourself.
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I mean, you deserve. You deserve from your. From yourself.
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Is that what I meant to say?
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Now, let's talk about mindset. When your
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plans fall apart, this comes up so much.
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When you're building something, you know, a business, a career,
28:47
social media presence, or a new direction
28:51
for yourself, you put effort into something. You care about
28:55
it. Then the results take longer than you hoped. And suddenly
29:00
the disappointment starts sounding like a verdict. Maybe I'm
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not good at this. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I should stop
29:08
trying. Maybe nobody cares. All those
29:12
thoughts start going through your head. I understand wanting
29:16
reassurance. I want that more than I can probably
29:20
say. When you're working hard and you have responsibilities,
29:25
uncertainty can feel exhausting.
29:28
But I want you to get better at looking at what happened
29:32
without turning into a statement about my
29:36
worth. If a video doesn't reach many people,
29:40
I can be disappointed. Then I can look at whether
29:44
the message was clear, whether I connected with the person I wanted to reach,
29:49
and what I could try next. In real
29:53
estate, a transaction can fall through. After a lot of work,
29:56
there may be real financial consequences.
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I don't think telling yourself to cheer up is a complete response
30:05
to that. You may need to review what happened.
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Talk with, you know, your team or maybe another agent,
30:14
your friend about it. You know, maybe you need to adjust the plan and
30:20
make practical decisions. You may also need a little time to
30:24
feel disappointed, which is perfectly okay.
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What I don't want is for a difficult outcome to convince
30:33
us that, Convince us that every future opportunity is
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already gone. Mindset can help us stay
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open enough to learn and act. It doesn't
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guarantee result, and it doesn't remove the need for skills,
30:48
support or actually having a realistic plan.
30:52
Sometimes moving forward means changing your approach.
30:55
Sometimes it means deciding an opportunity isn't right for you.
31:00
Giving yourself permission to evaluate honestly
31:04
is part of having Confidence in your judgment now,
31:11
your growth and the people around you. It is just
31:16
so important because when you
31:20
work on yourself, you may notice more about your
31:25
relationship. Relationships, I should say
31:28
as well. Maybe you start recognizing when you agree to something you
31:33
don't have the capacity for. Maybe you realize you've
31:37
been, you know, waiting for people to notice you need help without
31:41
ever saying it. Or maybe you have
31:45
said it clearly and repeatedly and you need
31:49
to decide what you'll do if nothing changes.
31:52
These are personal decisions, and I don't think one quote
31:57
on social media can tell you exactly what to do in every relationship.
32:02
But you are allowed to pay attention to how
32:06
you treat it. You're allowed to ask for respect, and you're
32:10
allowed to acknowledge that a situation is hurting you.
32:14
Having a positive mindset doesn't obligate you to keep tolerating
32:19
harmful behavior. You know, you can understand that someone is struggling
32:23
and still hold them accountable for how they treat you. You can
32:28
also love someone and recognize that you can't do their inner work
32:32
for them. Now, that's hard, especially when you
32:36
care deeply. You may want to find the right words,
32:41
offer enough support, or explain things one
32:46
or two or three more times so they finally understand.
32:51
You can offer support, you can communicate what you need,
32:56
but their willingness to seek help or change their
33:00
behavior belongs to them. And your own
33:04
needs still count while they're figuring that out.
33:09
Now, as a mom, I think about what all children learn
33:14
from watching how we handle hard moments. We tell them to
33:18
use their words, we ask them to explain what's wrong.
33:22
And then sometimes we expect ourselves to keep going without
33:25
ever naming what we feel.
33:29
I love for our kids to see that.
33:32
Adults can say,
33:35
I'm frustrated and I need a moment that
33:39
we can ask for help, disagree, you know,
33:43
respectfully, and apologize when we get something wrong. I mean,
33:47
you don't have to share adult problems with your children, with your children to
33:51
be honest about your emotions. They don't need
33:55
details of your finances or your relationship struggles.
34:00
A simple I'm having a difficult day,
34:03
you haven't done anything wrong and I'm taking care of it. Can give them reassurance
34:08
without making them responsible for you. And when
34:12
you lose, when we lose our patience, we can come
34:16
back and say, I'm sorry I spoke, you know, sharply. You didn't
34:20
deserve that. We don't have to make a
34:23
long speech. And we can show them what taking responsibility,
34:27
responsibility looks like in ordinary moment.
34:31
I mean, I know that when growing up, I've kind of seen things with
34:36
My, you know, like with my parents, the, you know, whenever they had arguments
34:40
and depending, like when my kids
34:43
were growing up, they, they've seen the same thing. Some things are just, you cannot
34:48
avoid. Kids see it, they know it. And sometimes we don't give
34:52
enough credit to our kids that we think that
34:56
sometimes we, you know, we're sheltering them. But unless
35:00
you live in, I don't know, a huge house where you
35:04
can, the kids can be in one side, you're on the other side, and you
35:08
can have an argument, disagreement, and they might not know things
35:12
that are happening between you and your significant other.
35:15
But a lot of times kids can tell. They can tell even without you talking
35:20
because they see the interaction that you having with your significant
35:23
other. And then depending on the agent of the kids,
35:27
you know, you'll share certain things of
35:31
what's going on. And kids,
35:34
they're smart. They can also tell you, well, this is how I
35:39
feel about it, and kind of get their perspective.
35:47
Before we finish, I want to give you something simple to try next
35:52
time you feel upset. If you can pause before you
35:56
respond, you don't have to solve everything in that first
36:00
moment. Then ask yourself, what am I feeling?
36:04
Try to get a little more specific than bad,
36:09
angry, disappointed, lonely, overwhelmed, or afraid
36:12
might fit. There may be more than one
36:16
feeling next, separate what happened from what you're assuming.
36:22
They haven't replied. It's something, you know,
36:25
they don't care about me. Maybe a conclusion you're drawing.
36:29
You can acknowledge the hurt while giving yourself a chance to check
36:34
the facts and then ask, what would help there?
36:38
Maybe you need rest. Maybe you need to ask a direct question.
36:42
Maybe a boundary, a practical plan or professional
36:47
support would be useful.
36:50
Finally, choose one step you can actually take,
36:55
something small enough that it belongs in your real life.
36:59
Today you could write, I'm feeling overwhelmed
37:03
because I've taken on too much tonight.
37:06
I'm asking for help with one responsibility.
37:09
Or I'm disappointed about work tomorrow.
37:13
I'm setting aside 20 minutes to review my options.
37:18
You know, you might not feel better immediately.
37:21
The purpose is to give yourself a little more understanding and
37:25
direction to move in. And if you forget in that moment,
37:30
you can reflect afterward. What set me off?
37:33
What did I. What did I need?
37:36
What could I try next time? You were allowed
37:41
to learn this gradually. This is not going to be happening
37:46
over time. As soon as you start working yourself,
37:49
this is the work that's going to happen on a daily basis.
37:54
And if you continue putting the work, you can see
37:58
a real progress in how you
38:02
can how you can adjust
38:07
a different situation, how you can approach a different situation, how you can explain
38:12
yourself in your feelings and you
38:16
will see a big growth in yourself and you will actually appreciate all
38:21
the work that you have done. What I hope you take from
38:25
this conversation is that your inner life deserves attention
38:28
while you're building your outer life.
38:32
So keep pursuing the goals that matter to you. Build a
38:36
business, work toward financial security,
38:39
enjoy the home, the experiences, and the things
38:43
you've worked hard for along the way. Make space to understand
38:47
yourself, notice what makes you
38:51
angry, be honest about what hurts,
38:54
look at the habits you turn to for relief
38:58
and ask your whether you need more support.
39:02
You don't have to wait for crisis to take yourself seriously,
39:06
and you don't have to be finished growing to be proud of
39:10
the work you're doing. Like I'm still learning too.
39:14
I'm still growing. My hope is that we keep becoming
39:18
women who can hear ourselves clearly,
39:21
communicate what we need and take responsibility for
39:26
what we can change. If this episode connected with you,
39:30
follow Nadia Unfiltered on Apple Podcast or Spotify
39:34
and share it with a friend who might appreciate this conversation.
39:39
Your story, your pace, your lane is enough.
39:43
Keep rediscovering who you are and give yourself permission to
39:47
get support along the way. Thank you for spending this
39:51
time with me. I'll talk to you in the next episode.