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My Husband Has A Secret Bank Account · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

0:00
Speaker 1: Okay, So I'm sneaking money into a secret account, siphoning,
0:05
Speaker 1: siphoning outside even sneaky.
0:07
Speaker 2: You're turning this into like Walter White and breaking bad
0:09
Speaker 2: money wandering.
0:10
Speaker 1: I am channeling Marcus right now. I'm Marcus. I'm married
0:13
Speaker 1: to Melissa, and I have a big secret that I'm keeping,
0:17
Speaker 1: and I'm watching this bank account grow and she has
0:20
Speaker 1: no idea that I am going to go on some
0:23
Speaker 1: kind of midlife crisis trip.
0:25
Speaker 3: I wonder if it felt empowering to him to see
0:28
Speaker 3: the number grow.
0:34
Speaker 1: Things we find therapeutic here on Therapy Thursday, the podcast
0:38
Speaker 1: Being with My Son. I was with my son over
0:40
Speaker 1: the weekend, and oh, my gosh, it's just so it's
0:43
Speaker 1: just it's I really think it's my greatest joint.
0:46
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, so sweet.
0:47
Speaker 1: And he's twenty four. So we ordered cocktails and we
0:50
Speaker 1: talk about things and so he's an adult now, he's
0:53
Speaker 1: an adult now.
0:54
Speaker 4: It's just so cool.
0:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, Rian, what what is yours? What's therapeutic to.
0:58
Speaker 4: You right now? Currently in my life?
1:00
Speaker 1: Because we're making sure it's friendly it is we're doing.
1:05
Speaker 2: We decided pretty last minute to do a trip this summer,
1:08
Speaker 2: so I'm like, you know, I'm like knee deep in
1:10
Speaker 2: planning and picturing the hotels and you know, so I'm
1:13
Speaker 2: like every night I'm carving out time for that and
1:15
Speaker 2: that makes it just really makes me happy.
1:17
Speaker 1: I love it.
1:18
Speaker 3: I love doing that too. I love the planning of
1:20
Speaker 3: the trip.
1:21
Speaker 1: Yes, therapist, what's therapeutic for a therapist? What's therapeutic for
1:26
Speaker 1: a therapist?
1:26
Speaker 4: I was gonna.
1:27
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm kind of in the same bus with Ryan.
1:31
Speaker 3: It's travel for me. It is travel is the planning,
1:34
Speaker 3: it's the anticipation and then just so amazing.
1:38
Speaker 2: Like we're going to Athens. I don't want to put
1:40
Speaker 2: I'll spend two hours just looking at I don't want
1:42
Speaker 2: to pick the wrong hotel. I don't want to I
1:43
Speaker 2: don't want to not go to the same the right restaurants.
1:46
Speaker 4: So it's wonderful. You can get lost in that, you
1:48
Speaker 4: really can't.
1:49
Speaker 1: I love it.
1:49
Speaker 3: But that's like a beautiful pastime because you're kind of
1:52
Speaker 3: creating your fantasy.
1:53
Speaker 4: That's it, Sarah.
1:54
Speaker 1: Oh, there you go with creating a fantasy, comes fantastical thing.
2:00
Speaker 1: Thanks all right, Well, Sarah, you ready for Melissa, because
2:04
Speaker 1: Melissa needs your help.
2:06
Speaker 3: I'm very ready for Melissa.
2:07
Speaker 1: Okay, Hey, Melissa, welcome to Therapy Thursday.
2:11
Speaker 5: Hi, thanks for having me.
2:13
Speaker 1: Thanks for coming on with us. So what's happening?
2:21
Speaker 5: I really don't know what to do? Okay, So my
2:26
Speaker 5: husband Marcus left his laptop open while he's in the shower, okay,
2:30
Speaker 5: and like a banking notification popped up. And at first
2:37
Speaker 5: I thought like, maybe it was fraud. You know, I'd
2:39
Speaker 5: never seen this account before, but it turns out it
2:44
Speaker 5: was real. And it's like a completely separate savings account
2:50
Speaker 5: with almost fourteen thousand dollars in it, that's what. And yeah,
2:55
Speaker 5: I mean I had never seen it, never been told about,
2:58
Speaker 5: we have not discussed it at all, and my stomach
3:01
Speaker 5: just dropped. I mean, like I just oh, we have
3:06
Speaker 5: been talking for months about replacing our car because it
3:10
Speaker 5: keeps breaking down, right, and I've been really stressed about it,
3:14
Speaker 5: and I've been clipping coupons and I have given up girls'
3:17
Speaker 5: weekends and I'm just stressing over every single grocery bill
3:21
Speaker 5: because I thought that money was tight. And then there's
3:24
Speaker 5: this like account with fourteen thousand dollars in it. And
3:27
Speaker 5: I confronted him and he didn't deny it, and he
3:32
Speaker 5: he was like he got a little bit defensive for
3:34
Speaker 5: a second. I was like, it's not another woman, and
3:38
Speaker 5: then I was like, Okay, what is it for? And
3:41
Speaker 5: he told me that it that he has secretly been
3:45
Speaker 5: saving for a month long solo trip through Europe for
3:48
Speaker 5: his fiftieth birthday.
3:50
Speaker 1: We were just talking about traveling and how the planning
3:53
Speaker 1: it just makes you feel really good.
3:57
Speaker 5: Yeah, if you're included in the plan.
3:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, why the secret?
4:01
Speaker 5: Yeah yeah, I mean that's exactly what I was like,
4:05
Speaker 5: why are you doing? Like what are you talking about?
4:08
Speaker 5: Then he was like, he loves me, he's not leaving me,
4:10
Speaker 5: but he really needs to find himself before he gets older.
4:13
Speaker 5: And he was like, every single married person deserves to
4:17
Speaker 5: have an adventure that's on their own. And I'm taking
4:20
Speaker 5: this for me and it's like self care for him.
4:24
Speaker 5: And I was like, why couldn't you have just told
4:28
Speaker 5: me about it instead of like keeping it a secret
4:30
Speaker 5: while you're like saving this money and we're at you know,
4:33
Speaker 5: like we are really suffering, and I'm really suffering trying
4:36
Speaker 5: to keep a budget and trying to save every penny
4:40
Speaker 5: and he's got this whole account and I'm just sad.
4:43
Speaker 5: It just makes me feel betrayed and sad.
4:46
Speaker 3: What do you think about the word deserve When he
4:48
Speaker 3: says he deserves this, How does that land with you?
4:52
Speaker 5: I mean it makes me really pissed. I deserve it too,
4:57
Speaker 5: Like I don't know what you deserve it more than like,
5:01
Speaker 5: you know, we need a car to like drive, I
5:03
Speaker 5: mean we have to have it to get around. And
5:06
Speaker 5: it's like, I don't know. I just I just feel
5:09
Speaker 5: like I deserve to be able to go to work.
5:11
Speaker 3: You know?
5:12
Speaker 1: Is he a selfish person? Just generally?
5:16
Speaker 5: I mean no, but I'm not. I don't think. I
5:19
Speaker 5: mean not really. I wouldn't like say, like number one thing,
5:21
Speaker 5: is you selfish? But like this is such a secret
5:25
Speaker 5: and he was like I didn't know anything about it
5:27
Speaker 5: at all, And I don't know. It's just I mean,
5:30
Speaker 5: he's got the general selfishness of any male person.
5:35
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm gonna okay, I'm gonna ask you something. If
5:43
Speaker 3: he had come to you two years ago and says,
5:45
Speaker 3: I'm turning whatever age he's turning, I would like to
5:49
Speaker 3: have this experience in Europe. How would you feel about that?
5:54
Speaker 3: How would you have responded?
5:56
Speaker 5: I feel like that would I would have been prepared
5:58
Speaker 5: and it wouldn't have felt like I was being like
6:01
Speaker 5: gas lit of like we're so broke, we don't have
6:03
Speaker 5: any money, we can't but.
6:04
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm I'm gonna stuff you for a second. Not
6:06
Speaker 3: just how you what would you would have done? But
6:08
Speaker 3: how would you have felt that he wanted this experience,
6:11
Speaker 3: this solo experience.
6:13
Speaker 1: I would feel sad myself, Yeah, like why don't you
6:16
Speaker 1: want me?
6:16
Speaker 5: I mean I feel excluded and like what are you
6:19
Speaker 5: going to get up to? But also like I don't
6:21
Speaker 5: know if it for me, it's it's the secrecy that
6:24
Speaker 5: really is like driving me nuts. And of course I
6:26
Speaker 5: would like to go on a trip to Europe. I mean,
6:28
Speaker 5: come on, like together, that's that would be great. But
6:32
Speaker 5: like if it's something that he'd been planning for without me, yeah,
6:37
Speaker 5: well exactly, this is something he's been saving. I mean,
6:39
Speaker 5: like you know, I don't know evert.
6:41
Speaker 1: And energy and planning, Yeah.
6:43
Speaker 4: It does.
6:44
Speaker 3: And also here here that you've been restricting yourself in
6:48
Speaker 3: terms of your weekends. You've been very mindful where every
6:51
Speaker 3: dollar is going. And at the same time, I mean
6:55
Speaker 3: even with a car, you're saving for a car. But
6:58
Speaker 3: then you see, you know, fourteen thousand dollars of shared
7:01
Speaker 3: resources they're gonna be allocated toward this solo adventure.
7:07
Speaker 5: It feels wrong, it feels hurtful. I mean, I just like,
7:10
Speaker 5: I'm just so sad. I don't know how to get
7:12
Speaker 5: past it because I'm so sad and I feel so
7:14
Speaker 5: betrayed over it.
7:15
Speaker 2: Mellliss, I'm gonna ask you a question, and you know,
7:16
Speaker 2: answer to the best of your ability. There's it's kind
7:18
Speaker 2: of the I guess, the elephant in the room on
7:20
Speaker 2: this conversation. What is the breakdown of who's bringing in
7:23
Speaker 2: what money?
7:25
Speaker 4: Is this his money?
7:27
Speaker 5: I mean we contribute to like all of our other
7:30
Speaker 5: counts are totally shared, right, everything is shared. This is
7:33
Speaker 5: an absolute secret.
7:35
Speaker 2: Like I mean, I right, But is he does he
7:37
Speaker 2: out earn you by you know, two hundred percent? Like
7:40
Speaker 2: is this something that he can afford to do without
7:43
Speaker 2: affecting the family.
7:46
Speaker 5: No, No, you don't get offended.
7:48
Speaker 4: I mean, just ask real question.
7:50
Speaker 5: He earns like fifteen thousand dollars more than me, But
7:53
Speaker 5: it's like we're still shared. It's not like I don't
7:57
Speaker 5: know you're not.
7:59
Speaker 3: It's interesting that it's almost the exact same number that
8:02
Speaker 3: he's kind of scrolled away and his fun is right
8:05
Speaker 3: around that amount that he has for himself.
8:07
Speaker 5: To as but we contributed to like one hundred, you
8:09
Speaker 5: know what I mean, Like it's fifty to fifty split
8:11
Speaker 5: on like all of our other household extens.
8:13
Speaker 2: But if he's doing a good job of saving his
8:15
Speaker 2: own money that he would have otherwise spent, you know,
8:18
Speaker 2: out at bars or at concerts or something like, what's
8:20
Speaker 2: the what's the problem with him buckling down to save
8:25
Speaker 2: his own money because he did it in secret.
8:28
Speaker 5: He did it in secret, and it's like, I mean,
8:30
Speaker 5: you don't have a staff, Like that's not exactly extra,
8:33
Speaker 5: that's just like it's not like extra, it's just he
8:36
Speaker 5: earns a little bit more, you know what I mean.
8:38
Speaker 1: A really good friend of mine has a husband. They
8:41
Speaker 1: don't have any kids, and they were kind of in
8:43
Speaker 1: the same situation where they were trying to like, you know,
8:47
Speaker 1: buy a house and do all these things together. And
8:50
Speaker 1: he goes out without telling her and buys a brand
8:53
Speaker 1: new car. He traded in his old car and got
8:56
Speaker 1: that this brand that he had ordered, and they broke
8:59
Speaker 1: up for that.
9:00
Speaker 3: She was like, who are you well, it feels like
9:04
Speaker 3: a betrayal. Yeah, I think I said this maybe the
9:07
Speaker 3: last time we got together. I mean, the concept of
9:09
Speaker 3: a financial infidelity.
9:11
Speaker 1: Is very real.
9:12
Speaker 3: I mean, do you feel like this is a financial infidelity?
9:15
Speaker 3: Would you categorize it as such?
9:18
Speaker 5: I mean, yes, I think it is. It was a
9:21
Speaker 5: total I mean it was a total secret, like it's
9:24
Speaker 5: I don't know. That's if I had been included, if
9:27
Speaker 5: I had known, or if he had said, no, we're
9:29
Speaker 5: not going to do this now, because it's like I'm
9:32
Speaker 5: giving up all these things to save, right, and then
9:35
Speaker 5: he's going to go on this like joy right trip.
9:38
Speaker 3: Did you say that he he says something about finding himself.
9:42
Speaker 3: Did he use that word or is that just something
9:43
Speaker 3: I'm picking up on that? Yeah, he used that way.
9:45
Speaker 5: He said he wants to find himself.
9:47
Speaker 1: What do you think that means?
9:49
Speaker 4: What do you hear?
9:51
Speaker 5: I hear that he doesn't know who he is anymore
9:56
Speaker 5: and that he's turning fifteen, he's freaking out.
9:58
Speaker 3: That sounds threatening. I would I think I would feel
10:00
Speaker 3: threatened if my partner, my love says, you know, I
10:03
Speaker 3: don't know who I am anymore, because there would be
10:05
Speaker 3: possible implication.
10:07
Speaker 4: It's destabilizing to the foundation absolutely.
10:10
Speaker 1: Of who he is. Yeah, right, yeah, okay.
10:13
Speaker 5: Yeah, absolutely, I mean it does feel like what if
10:16
Speaker 5: what if what he finds is he's out? You know,
10:18
Speaker 5: I don't know. It just it really does like jar me.
10:24
Speaker 3: How would you describe the intimacy in your relationship? And
10:26
Speaker 3: I'm not just talking about sex sometimes include sex if
10:29
Speaker 3: you're comfortable, but the level of closeness, the level of
10:33
Speaker 3: knowing that exists with.
10:36
Speaker 5: I mean other than this, it seems it seems to
10:38
Speaker 5: me that it was pretty We're pretty transparent and share
10:42
Speaker 5: a lot. That's why this feels so like, I don't know,
10:45
Speaker 5: I feel like blindsided by the fact that I didn't
10:47
Speaker 5: know he wanted to do this.
10:48
Speaker 1: What's your frequency? And do you ever say no to him?
10:51
Speaker 3: Oh?
10:51
Speaker 4: Good questions? Yeah, thanks, very good.
10:54
Speaker 5: I am. I'm a pretty much a pleaser. I'm usually
10:56
Speaker 5: like yes, okay, okay, yeah, like okay, that's fine, we'll
10:59
Speaker 5: make it work. Like that's good, It'll be inconvenient, but
11:02
Speaker 5: will make it work, you know. So it's like that's
11:05
Speaker 5: why it also feels like why it's a secret's not
11:07
Speaker 5: like I would have.
11:08
Speaker 3: Been like, yeah, that's from getting is that you know,
11:11
Speaker 3: you're not this ultra controlling person who while it may
11:15
Speaker 3: not feel great to you that it is something that
11:17
Speaker 3: you would have been willing to try to understand, accept
11:21
Speaker 3: and support if you were given knowledge beforehand.
11:26
Speaker 4: Is that fair?
11:27
Speaker 5: Yes, I mean I would. I mean he said he
11:29
Speaker 5: didn't tell me. That is one of the facts he
11:31
Speaker 5: did bring up, like he thought I would talk him
11:33
Speaker 5: out of it. But I don't have a history of
11:35
Speaker 5: like telling him no, you know, like, so that is
11:38
Speaker 5: where it feels like he's been keeping something from me.
11:40
Speaker 3: You know. I think it says more about his feelings
11:42
Speaker 3: about what he's going to do, rather than your reaction.
11:46
Speaker 3: I hear that he's kind of putting it on you,
11:48
Speaker 3: but I don't hear that that would necessarily, you know,
11:52
Speaker 3: impede the trip. I'm wondering if he doesn't feel entirely
11:56
Speaker 3: comfortable with doing something, if he perceives it as selfish,
12:00
Speaker 3: maybe that's why he's holding back because it doesn't kind
12:02
Speaker 3: of line up with what I'm hearing about the marital experience.
12:06
Speaker 1: Well, let's channel him. Let's be Marcus. Okay, Okay, So
12:10
Speaker 1: I'm sneaking money into a secret account.
12:13
Speaker 3: Siphoning, siphoning outside even sneaky.
12:17
Speaker 2: You're turning this into like Walter White and breaking bad
12:19
Speaker 2: money wandering.
12:20
Speaker 1: I am channeling Marcus right now. I am Marcus. I'm
12:22
Speaker 1: married to Melissa, and I have a big secret that
12:26
Speaker 1: I'm keeping, and I'm watching this bank account grow. And
12:28
Speaker 1: she has no idea that I am going to go
12:32
Speaker 1: on some kind of midlife crisis trip. And she always
12:36
Speaker 1: says yes to me, and I love her, so she's
12:38
Speaker 1: gonna say yes again. She's a rollover.
12:41
Speaker 3: I wonder if it felt empowering to him to see
12:44
Speaker 3: the number grow, Like as you're saying that, I'm imagine
12:46
Speaker 3: him looking at his account, not necessarily in a farious way,
12:49
Speaker 3: but feeling very empowered as he sees this scorel fund grow.
12:56
Speaker 1: Does he get pushed around in life, like by a
12:58
Speaker 1: boss or by friends or anyone or you.
13:02
Speaker 5: He didn't have a big work transition lately, so I mean, like,
13:05
Speaker 5: I think there was a lot of job insecurity that
13:07
Speaker 5: he was dealing with. But it's like that's he's doing well,
13:12
Speaker 5: Like he's well liked, he's doing well, so I know,
13:15
Speaker 5: you know, he's he's in tech, so it's like, you know,
13:19
Speaker 5: you never know when the shoes going to drop these days,
13:20
Speaker 5: but it's just it just doesn't make it just I
13:24
Speaker 5: don't know. It just feels like we're watching our joint account,
13:28
Speaker 5: you know, and we're like, oh god, groceries are so expensive,
13:31
Speaker 5: gas prices, you know. Every time we do anything, we're
13:34
Speaker 5: like aware of what it costs. And so I just
13:37
Speaker 5: feel like I've been really really scrimping.
13:41
Speaker 3: And he's like, well, you're not operating within the same reality, right,
13:46
Speaker 3: It's not a shared financial reality exactly.
13:50
Speaker 5: And that's where I'm like, who are you? This feels
13:53
Speaker 5: like I'm.
13:54
Speaker 1: Still Marcus and I'm licking my chops to go on
13:57
Speaker 1: a solo vacation and get into all kinds of stuff.
14:00
Speaker 4: I have two questions for you, Melissa.
14:02
Speaker 2: Okay, hypothetically, would you still be feeling this way if today,
14:07
Speaker 2: he says, you know what I've been thinking about this.
14:09
Speaker 4: I changed my mind. I want you to come with me.
14:11
Speaker 4: Are you still pissed?
14:13
Speaker 5: No, that's what I thought.
14:15
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, but Brian, that doesn't qualify. It doesn't make it.
14:18
Speaker 5: Right as much. Okay, not as much. I still feel like, oh,
14:22
Speaker 5: this was like if I was included, then it's like
14:26
Speaker 5: this is a surprise, So.
14:29
Speaker 3: It's a different wound.
14:30
Speaker 1: It's always trying to make people quite off raided.
14:32
Speaker 3: No, but you're talking about two different wounds. One is like,
14:35
Speaker 3: I don't you know, I don't trust your allocation of
14:39
Speaker 3: funds all that kind of stuff. But now we're talking
14:41
Speaker 3: about hurt feelings. You're not being included in this adventure.
14:45
Speaker 3: And I'm not saying, certainly not going to tell you
14:47
Speaker 3: your feelings are wrong. But I mean, I think that
14:50
Speaker 3: differentiation in a marriage is really important. I mean, we
14:54
Speaker 3: need to be able to maintain a solid sense of
14:56
Speaker 3: self while we remain emotionally and sexually can that's good, Sarah?
15:02
Speaker 1: So you and you feel emotionally and sexually connected to Marcus.
15:06
Speaker 5: I mean I thought I did, I thought I did.
15:11
Speaker 5: You know.
15:12
Speaker 3: I'm wondering if he doesn't have this sense of self.
15:16
Speaker 3: And when people talk about finding themselves, it's kind of
15:19
Speaker 3: I think it sounds a little silly because it's internal,
15:22
Speaker 3: it exists. It's more like you want to discover yourself
15:27
Speaker 3: because you're not going out there and finding it on the.
15:32
Speaker 1: Something else.
15:33
Speaker 3: Maybe finding something else. It's about maybe him realizing who
15:37
Speaker 3: he is, who he is outside of the role of father, husband.
15:42
Speaker 3: It's an identity expansion that he may be looking for.
15:46
Speaker 2: Sure, Yeah, Okay, here's another question, Melissa. All right, let's
15:50
Speaker 2: let's run this through. Play it through. Let's say everything
15:52
Speaker 2: happens as planned, he continues to save whatever money he does,
15:55
Speaker 2: he goes on this trip where we at. What does
15:57
Speaker 2: that look like for you? When he is in Sanuri?
16:01
Speaker 5: I mean, I mean it's like I've got I've got
16:07
Speaker 5: like the house, the car, all the stuff to deal with,
16:11
Speaker 5: you know, like by myself, which is annoying. But I
16:14
Speaker 5: mean I don't know. I mean like on some level,
16:17
Speaker 5: it wouldn't be so bad that like a break, Okay, okay,
16:21
Speaker 5: I have some solo staycation time for myself could be
16:25
Speaker 5: I mean I could see the benefit in that for me, Like,
16:29
Speaker 5: but it's also just like I'll just be.
16:32
Speaker 1: Home, like I don't know, on a European getaway? Did
16:36
Speaker 1: you marry young? Like does did he miss out on
16:39
Speaker 1: some fun phases of life? Well?
16:42
Speaker 5: I mean he's always had a little bit hang up
16:44
Speaker 5: that he didn't do like a semester abroad in college.
16:47
Speaker 5: You know, he didn't do that, and like I see
16:50
Speaker 5: that that okay, so that I did. I got to
16:53
Speaker 5: go to this awesome semester abroad. So like I've and
16:57
Speaker 5: I have friends that are like we get together and
16:59
Speaker 5: we talk about that. Sure, so I can see maybe
17:01
Speaker 5: there's some envy of that experience, but like, I mean,
17:05
Speaker 5: he's fifty, this is not the same.
17:06
Speaker 3: It's like, well, Melissa, I did hear you know you
17:10
Speaker 3: talk about putting off girls weekends, so that in a
17:13
Speaker 3: case obviously that you have been having some girls weekends,
17:16
Speaker 3: some experiences to.
17:18
Speaker 5: Yourself two years.
17:20
Speaker 1: You know.
17:21
Speaker 3: I guess over the course of the marriage, do you
17:23
Speaker 3: feel like you have taken more time for yourself? Well
17:28
Speaker 3: and your husband.
17:29
Speaker 5: Guys, So my girlfriends are better at making plans, right
17:32
Speaker 5: than his friends. Like his friends are all over the
17:35
Speaker 5: place like our friends, while we're all over the place,
17:37
Speaker 5: Like we make a plan and we do it and
17:39
Speaker 5: we put it in the calendar. And he does get
17:42
Speaker 5: jealous of I mean, he has expressed that he's like, man,
17:45
Speaker 5: I wish my friends would just like choose a date
17:47
Speaker 5: or like, you know, we could do something like this,
17:49
Speaker 5: But your friends do that a lot. He doesn't hold
17:51
Speaker 5: it against me, like he's never I've never felt that
17:54
Speaker 5: he's holding against it. He's usually like, it's really awesome
17:56
Speaker 5: that your friends do this and you can do that.
17:58
Speaker 4: I don't hear that he holds it against you. I
18:00
Speaker 4: don't hear that he holds it against you.
18:01
Speaker 3: I do hear that he may want some of that
18:03
Speaker 3: for himself. Yeah, secretly, which is there and lies there
18:10
Speaker 3: and lies the Such a.
18:11
Speaker 1: Theme for all of our therapy sessions, Sarah is that
18:14
Speaker 1: the secrecy is the killer.
18:16
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the lack of transparency, that exactly, because then
18:20
Speaker 3: I could I could be prepared, you know, Okay.
18:23
Speaker 4: You I think you would be prepared.
18:24
Speaker 3: I do not think you would like it, but I
18:27
Speaker 3: think you would be prepared. And it's important to kind of,
18:30
Speaker 3: I think, be forthcoming with yourself about that.
18:35
Speaker 5: Mm hmmm.
18:36
Speaker 1: What about giving him an ultimatum and saying I'm not
18:39
Speaker 1: you're not allowed to go.
18:40
Speaker 4: Oh that's an interesting fact. You can't go. You go.
18:45
Speaker 1: You choose me, or you choose your little solo midlife
18:49
Speaker 1: crisis trip.
18:50
Speaker 5: I just feel like that that justifies his like secrecy.
18:56
Speaker 4: Okay, that's it.
18:57
Speaker 5: If I were to offer an ultimatum like that, and
18:59
Speaker 5: then it's like you shouldn't have that's going to say no,
19:04
Speaker 5: But I don't. Yeah, but I mean I'm not. I
19:07
Speaker 5: just feel sad, you know what I mean. I just
19:08
Speaker 5: feel like really, like I don't know, excluded, and like
19:12
Speaker 5: he why didn't he? Why didn't you share this with?
19:14
Speaker 1: I feel like he's kind of left you in a way.
19:17
Speaker 4: Oh my god, so drastic. No, I do. He hasn't
19:20
Speaker 4: left her, but a.
19:21
Speaker 1: Piece of him has.
19:23
Speaker 5: He's left me behind.
19:24
Speaker 1: He's dreaming. He's dreaming, and like you both just said,
19:28
Speaker 1: Ryan and Sarah, the thing that gives me feels therapeutic
19:33
Speaker 1: is the planning and the dreaming and the scheming. And
19:35
Speaker 1: this is where I'm going to stay and I'm going
19:37
Speaker 1: to eat and I'm going to get there like this.
19:40
Speaker 1: And he's doing all of that on his own, behind
19:43
Speaker 1: her back.
19:43
Speaker 3: And the question is is why? And I still don't
19:47
Speaker 3: have a solid answer. And I mean, you know you're
19:50
Speaker 3: not a mind reader, but I really wonder what the
19:54
Speaker 3: why is about here because it changes things sometimes. Okay,
19:58
Speaker 3: I talk to people, but I think sometimes the why
20:00
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter.
20:02
Speaker 1: Who cares about the why?
20:04
Speaker 3: This the why matters tremendously. Yeah, the why is everything here?
20:09
Speaker 5: Mm hmm, yeah. I mean, only like his birthday is
20:15
Speaker 5: I mean, I think he's weirded out, like his dad
20:19
Speaker 5: died recently, you know, I think he's just like the
20:20
Speaker 5: mortality thing. That's what I think it is. I think
20:23
Speaker 5: it's mortgage to do with like what is it that
20:26
Speaker 5: they say midlife crisis thing? I feel like that's part
20:29
Speaker 5: of it. But it's like I can I could be
20:32
Speaker 5: included in that. I don't know. I just feel excluded
20:36
Speaker 5: and abandoned and lied to.
20:39
Speaker 4: Okay, would it help you? Sorry, I know, we'll let
20:42
Speaker 4: you go here in a second.
20:43
Speaker 2: Would would you Are you able to now take this
20:45
Speaker 2: as sort of something to you know, impel you to
20:49
Speaker 2: do something similar for you?
20:51
Speaker 4: Can you go, Okay, look, you had your your trip.
20:52
Speaker 5: And now you know, absolutely accept the savings of it.
20:58
Speaker 5: It's gone. I know that energy and time is gone.
21:01
Speaker 5: It's in his account, you know, like.
21:06
Speaker 4: Fans well, and he's gone for a month. It's a
21:15
Speaker 4: long time.
21:19
Speaker 1: This is the trip?
21:20
Speaker 3: Is a trip set already? Or is this like he's
21:22
Speaker 3: still saving for the trip or is he like, you know,
21:24
Speaker 3: tickets booked?
21:26
Speaker 5: He okay, so he has been saving for a month
21:29
Speaker 5: long soldier, but he has not booked it yet. So
21:31
Speaker 5: I mean, I I feel like that is what I
21:36
Speaker 5: would appreciate. I would appreciate him like recognizing the sacrifices
21:41
Speaker 5: that I have been making for our joints. If he's
21:43
Speaker 5: the understanding that, like this is not just his you know,
21:47
Speaker 5: like it's not just his savings.
21:49
Speaker 3: Right. I wonder if the length of the trip is negotiable, right,
21:56
Speaker 3: does it happen?
21:58
Speaker 1: Yeah?
21:58
Speaker 3: Well, I mean why why one month? Why not two weeks?
22:00
Speaker 3: Why not ten days? Why?
22:03
Speaker 1: Good point Sarah?
22:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, listen when he's gone for a month. I
22:06
Speaker 2: don't know if you're familiar with air Tasker, but they
22:08
Speaker 2: are general sponsors. They will help you so much with
22:11
Speaker 2: anything you have done around house, and I know you're
22:13
Speaker 2: saving money. You won't believe the quotes they will give
22:15
Speaker 2: you for minor things like you know, I know these
22:17
Speaker 2: things hung that my my deadbeat husband who's in Greece
22:20
Speaker 2: won't do. So air Tasker get the app, go to
22:23
Speaker 2: air tasker dot com. They get anything done.
22:28
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's that's a great idea. I'm gonna make a note.
22:32
Speaker 1: A month will give you a long time to get
22:34
Speaker 1: everything done.
22:35
Speaker 3: Yep, thank you for talking to us, Melissa.
22:37
Speaker 1: Yeah. Also the tasks are really too.
22:43
Speaker 5: I do feel I feel better just like having shared
22:45
Speaker 5: with someone because I just I do feel better having
22:47
Speaker 5: like just talked through it all. But I just still
22:50
Speaker 5: am like, oh, man, just hurt.
22:53
Speaker 4: Yeah, I get it.
22:54
Speaker 1: I feel hurt for you.
22:57
Speaker 5: Thanks.
22:58
Speaker 2: Got that first picture when he lands, when he sends
23:00
Speaker 2: it to you from Switzerland or whatever.
23:02
Speaker 4: Oh, it's going to be a dagger. Have a good day.
23:08
Speaker 5: Thanks.
23:11
Speaker 4: I'm sorry.
23:11
Speaker 1: I don't know if that was the most helpful. Are
23:16
Speaker 1: you still there, Melissa, I'm still We don't want to
23:19
Speaker 1: leave you like that.
23:20
Speaker 4: I'm sorry.
23:23
Speaker 3: Yeah.
23:23
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe maybe he's open to shortening the trip.
23:27
Speaker 5: I mean that would be I feel like that would
23:29
Speaker 5: make me feel better.
23:30
Speaker 1: But I mean you could say to him, Marcus, give
23:33
Speaker 1: me half the money, I'll shut.
23:34
Speaker 3: Up, exactly. Or I mean that's kind of where.
23:38
Speaker 1: My mind was going.
23:39
Speaker 4: Oh wow, Yeah, that's a good compromise.
23:42
Speaker 1: You go do your thing, I'll do mine. Yeah,