Latest / Three Rebel Souls / Episode 2: Adriana's Story

Transcript

Episode 2: Adriana's Story · Three Rebel Souls

0:05
Hi.
0:05
Hi.
0:06
What's
0:07
going
0:07
on?
0:08
Hello.
0:08
Here
0:08
we
0:09
are,
0:10
back
0:10
again.
0:11
How
0:12
we
0:12
doing
0:12
this
0:12
week?
0:13
I'm
0:13
nervous.
0:15
Now
0:15
you're
0:15
nervous.
0:16
What
0:17
are
0:17
you
0:17
nervous
0:17
about?
0:19
Um,
0:21
I
0:21
guess
0:21
doing
0:21
my
0:21
story,
0:22
I'm
0:22
nervous.
0:23
Not
0:23
so
0:23
much
0:23
that,
0:24
like,
0:24
what's
0:24
the
0:25
story.
0:25
It's
0:25
more,
0:25
that
0:26
I
0:26
have
0:26
to
0:26
say
0:27
it
0:27
out
0:27
loud
0:28
to-
0:29
other
0:29
people,
0:30
you
0:30
know,
0:31
outside
0:31
of
0:31
the
0:31
people
0:31
that
0:32
already
0:32
know
0:32
the
0:32
story.
0:33
So,
0:34
um,
0:35
yeah,
0:35
I
0:35
guess
0:36
just
0:36
putting
0:36
it
0:36
out
0:36
there,
0:37
'cause
0:37
it's
0:37
the
0:37
first
0:38
time
0:38
that
0:38
I'm
0:38
actually
0:39
doing
0:39
it,
0:39
like,
0:39
publicly,
0:40
right?
0:40
Like,
0:42
up
0:42
until
0:42
this
0:43
point,
0:43
I'm
0:43
not
0:43
someone
0:43
who
0:44
posts
0:44
on
0:46
social
0:46
media
0:47
or
0:47
anything,
0:47
so
0:47
nobody
0:48
un-
0:48
uh,
0:48
you
0:48
know,
0:48
other
0:48
than
0:49
the
0:49
people
0:49
that
0:49
know
0:49
me,
0:50
nobody
0:50
knows
0:51
my
0:51
story,
0:52
right?
0:52
Or
0:52
anything
0:53
that's
0:53
happened,
0:53
so
0:53
I
0:53
guess
0:54
that's
0:55
goes
0:55
back
0:55
to
0:55
what
0:55
you
0:55
were
0:56
saying
0:56
originally
0:57
about-
0:58
Being
0:59
seen
0:59
a
0:59
little
0:59
nervous.
1:00
Yes,
1:01
exactly.
1:01
Mm-hmm.
1:01
Being
1:02
scared
1:02
and
1:02
stuff
1:02
about
1:03
that,
1:03
yeah.
1:03
But,
1:03
but
1:04
I
1:04
mean,
1:04
I'm
1:04
excited,
1:05
but
1:05
just
1:05
the
1:05
doing
1:06
the
1:06
part
1:06
is,
1:06
like
1:08
You
1:08
know,
1:08
a
1:08
little
1:08
bit
1:08
of
1:08
that
1:09
perfectionism
1:09
coming
1:10
out.
1:10
I
1:10
don't
1:10
want
1:11
Okay,
1:11
and
1:11
by
1:11
the
1:11
way,
1:11
I'm
1:12
reading
1:12
my
1:12
story,
1:13
'cause
1:13
I
1:13
feel
1:13
more
1:13
comfortable
1:15
reading
1:15
it-
1:17
Yeah
1:17
than
1:17
off
1:18
the
1:18
top
1:18
of
1:18
my
1:18
head.
1:18
I'll
1:19
probably
1:19
go
1:19
off
1:19
on
1:19
a
1:19
tangent
1:20
and
1:20
forget
1:20
to
1:20
say
1:20
everything
1:21
I've
1:21
wanted
1:21
to
1:21
say,
1:22
so
1:22
it's
1:22
easier
1:23
for
1:23
me
1:23
to
1:23
just
1:23
read
1:24
it.
1:25
But
1:25
yeah,
1:26
so
1:26
that's
1:26
where
1:26
I
1:26
am
1:27
today.
1:27
Awesome.
1:28
Yeah.
1:28
I
1:29
love
1:29
that.
1:30
Good,
1:30
but
1:30
now
1:30
I
1:30
don't
1:31
care
1:31
'cause
1:31
I
1:31
just
1:31
wanna
1:32
hear
1:32
your
1:32
story,
1:33
so.
1:34
But
1:34
I
1:35
wanna
1:35
hear
1:36
how
1:36
you
1:36
guys
1:36
are
1:36
doing.
1:36
Not
1:36
nervous
1:36
for
1:37
this
1:37
one.
1:38
No
1:38
pressure
1:38
on
1:39
us.
1:39
Right,
1:40
exactly.
1:40
But
1:40
I
1:40
wanna,
1:41
I
1:41
wanna
1:41
know
1:41
how
1:41
you
1:41
guys
1:41
are
1:42
doing.
1:43
Hmm.
1:44
Real
1:44
answers
1:45
only.
1:45
Let's
1:45
see.
1:46
How
1:47
am
1:47
I
1:47
doing?
1:48
I'm
1:50
tired.
1:51
I
1:51
feel
1:52
like
1:52
there
1:52
is
1:53
a
1:53
lot
1:54
happening
1:56
astrologically
1:57
and
1:58
in
1:58
the
1:58
world,
1:59
and
1:59
just
2:00
in
2:00
my
2:00
life
2:01
and
2:01
at
2:01
work,
2:02
and
2:03
I
2:04
am
2:04
feeling
2:04
the
2:05
effects
2:05
of
2:05
it.
2:06
Mm.
2:06
Normally,
2:08
I
2:08
wake
2:09
up
2:09
every
2:09
single
2:10
morning
2:10
with
2:10
no
2:10
alarm,
2:12
and
2:13
yesterday
2:13
morning,
2:15
uh,
2:16
my
2:16
partner's
2:16
alarm
2:17
started
2:17
going
2:17
off,
2:18
and
2:18
I
2:18
was
2:18
like,
2:18
"What
2:18
the
2:18
hell
2:18
is
2:18
that?"
2:19
Because
2:19
I
2:19
was
2:19
still
2:20
sleeping,
2:20
and
2:20
I
2:20
was
2:21
like,
2:21
"Whoa,
2:21
that
2:22
never
2:22
happens,"
2:23
'cause
2:23
I'm
2:23
usually
2:23
up
2:24
a
2:24
good
2:24
30,
2:25
45
2:25
minutes
2:25
before
2:26
that
2:26
alarm
2:26
goes
2:26
off,
2:27
and
2:27
I
2:27
just
2:27
feel
2:28
like
2:28
I'm
2:28
very
2:30
tired
2:30
this
2:31
week.
2:32
Yeah.
2:32
Mentally,
2:32
physically,
2:33
emotionally
2:35
Yeah,
2:35
I
2:35
feel
2:35
like
2:35
when
2:35
you're
2:35
doing
2:35
a
2:36
lot
2:36
of
2:36
work
2:36
and
2:36
it's
2:36
energetic,
2:37
you
2:37
get
2:38
really
2:38
tired,
2:39
right?
2:39
Mm-hmm.
2:39
It's
2:39
like
2:39
you're
2:39
not
2:39
even
2:40
aware
2:40
that
2:40
it's
2:40
happening,
2:41
but
2:41
it's
2:41
happening
2:42
and
2:42
it's
2:42
exhausting.
2:43
Yep.
2:45
Just
2:45
feeling
2:45
the,
2:46
the
2:46
compound
2:46
effect
2:47
of
2:47
everything
2:48
that's
2:48
going
2:49
on.
2:49
And
2:49
it's
2:50
even
2:50
hard
2:50
to
2:50
tell,
2:50
like,
2:51
exactly
2:52
what
2:52
it's
2:52
from,
2:52
right?
2:52
You're
2:53
just
2:53
like,
2:54
"It's
2:54
just
2:54
a
2:54
lot."
2:55
It's
2:55
D,
2:55
all
2:56
of
2:56
the
2:56
above.
2:56
It's
2:57
every-
2:58
everything.
2:59
Yeah.
3:00
Exactly.
3:01
How
3:01
about
3:01
you,
3:01
Slim?
3:02
Um,
3:03
same.
3:03
Yeah,
3:03
tired.
3:04
Have
3:04
been,
3:05
been
3:05
waking
3:05
up
3:06
at
3:06
2:00
3:06
or
3:06
3:00
3:07
AM
3:07
again
3:07
every
3:08
day.
3:08
Like,
3:09
and
3:09
then
3:10
can't
3:10
get
3:10
back
3:10
to
3:10
sleep,
3:11
and
3:13
yeah,
3:14
it's
3:14
fun.
3:16
Uh,
3:17
yeah.
3:18
So
3:18
funny,
3:18
last
3:18
night
3:19
I
3:19
woke
3:19
up,
3:19
and
3:20
you
3:20
know
3:20
I
3:20
never
3:20
look
3:20
at
3:20
the
3:21
time,
3:22
ever.
3:23
I
3:23
looked
3:24
last
3:24
night,
3:24
and
3:24
it
3:24
was
3:24
2:22.
3:26
Nice.
3:27
I
3:28
was
3:28
like,
3:28
"Oh."
3:28
I'm
3:28
like,
3:29
"So
3:29
weird
3:29
that
3:29
I
3:29
actually,
3:30
like,
3:30
just
3:30
looked
3:30
at
3:30
it,"
3:31
'cause
3:31
I
3:31
refuse
3:31
to
3:32
look
3:32
at
3:32
it,
3:32
but
3:32
I
3:32
was
3:32
like,
3:32
"Thank
3:32
God
3:32
I
3:33
have
3:33
so
3:33
much
3:33
more
3:33
time
3:34
to
3:34
sleep."
3:35
It
3:35
wasn't,
3:36
like,
3:36
7:00
3:36
AM.
3:38
Oh,
3:39
yeah.
3:40
I've
3:41
already
3:41
got,
3:41
like,
3:43
two
3:43
hours
3:44
of
3:44
my
3:44
day
3:44
in
3:44
by
3:44
7:00
3:45
AM.
3:45
Yeah.
3:47
Like,
3:47
same,
3:47
same.
3:47
Yeah.
3:49
Yeah,
3:49
I
3:49
can't.
3:50
Uh-
3:51
I
3:51
mean,
3:51
during
3:51
the
3:51
week
3:51
it's
3:52
no-
3:52
I
3:52
don't
3:52
have
3:52
an
3:52
option,
3:53
but
3:53
on
3:53
the
3:53
weekends
3:53
if
3:53
I
3:54
see
3:54
7:00
3:54
AM,
3:54
hell
3:55
no.
3:56
Ah.
3:58
All
3:58
right.
3:58
Well-
3:59
Yeah
3:59
lady,
4:00
shall
4:00
we
4:00
dive
4:01
in?
4:01
Okay.
4:02
So
4:02
we
4:02
rip
4:03
the
4:03
Band-Aid
4:03
off.
4:04
We'll
4:04
hear
4:04
your
4:05
story.
4:05
We'll
4:05
let
4:06
you
4:06
get
4:06
it
4:06
all
4:06
out.
4:07
Yes.
4:07
And
4:07
then
4:08
we'll
4:08
discuss
4:09
Okay
4:11
The
4:11
floor
4:12
is
4:12
yours.
4:12
Here
4:12
it
4:12
goes.
4:13
All
4:13
right.
4:14
So
4:14
for
4:15
most
4:15
of
4:15
my
4:15
life,
4:16
I
4:16
didn't
4:16
realize
4:16
I
4:16
was
4:17
living
4:17
through
4:17
other
4:17
people's
4:18
expectations.
4:19
I
4:20
thought
4:20
I
4:20
was
4:20
just
4:20
loving,
4:21
supportive,
4:22
dependable,
4:23
the
4:23
strong
4:23
one.
4:24
But
4:25
underneath
4:25
that,
4:25
I
4:25
was
4:26
constantly
4:26
adjusting
4:27
myself,
4:27
what
4:28
I
4:28
needed,
4:28
what
4:28
I
4:28
felt,
4:29
how
4:30
honest
4:30
I
4:30
could
4:30
be,
4:31
just
4:31
to
4:31
keep
4:33
harmony
4:34
and
4:34
connection.
4:35
You
4:35
know,
4:35
say
4:35
that
4:36
in
4:36
air
4:36
quotes,
4:36
'cause
4:38
harmony
4:38
and
4:38
connection.
4:40
Um,
4:41
my
4:41
journey
4:42
really
4:42
began
4:42
when
4:42
my
4:43
mom
4:43
passed
4:43
away.
4:45
I
4:45
started
4:45
reflecting
4:46
on
4:46
the
4:46
life
4:46
she
4:46
had
4:47
lived
4:47
and
4:47
realized
4:48
I
4:48
was
4:48
slowly
4:49
repeating
4:50
patterns
4:50
that
4:50
didn't
4:51
feel
4:51
true
4:51
to
4:51
me.
4:53
I
4:53
knew
4:53
I
4:53
wanted
4:54
something
4:54
different,
4:55
even
4:55
though
4:55
I
4:55
didn't
4:56
know
4:56
what
4:56
that
4:56
was
4:56
yet.
4:58
So
4:58
I
4:58
began
4:59
questioning
4:59
everything,
5:00
but
5:00
instead
5:01
of
5:01
clarity,
5:01
societal
5:02
conditioning
5:03
confused
5:03
me
5:03
more.
5:05
After
5:05
thinking
5:06
about
5:06
it
5:06
for
5:06
several
5:07
years,
5:08
I
5:08
made
5:08
a
5:08
decision
5:09
I
5:09
had
5:09
been
5:09
avoiding
5:10
and
5:11
finally
5:11
found
5:11
the
5:11
nerve
5:12
to
5:12
ask
5:12
for
5:12
a
5:12
divorce.
5:14
I
5:14
wasn't
5:14
certain.
5:15
I
5:15
wasn't
5:15
confident.
5:16
I
5:16
was
5:16
actually
5:17
terrified.
5:18
But
5:18
I
5:19
knew
5:19
I
5:19
had
5:19
to
5:19
follow
5:20
what
5:20
was
5:20
calling
5:21
me,
5:21
even
5:22
though
5:22
I
5:22
didn't
5:22
know
5:22
where
5:23
it
5:23
could
5:23
lead.
5:24
That
5:25
was
5:25
the
5:25
moment
5:25
my
5:25
real
5:26
awakening
5:26
began,
5:27
because
5:27
for
5:27
the
5:28
first
5:28
time,
5:28
I
5:28
listened
5:29
to
5:29
my
5:29
gut.
5:30
Uh,
5:31
the
5:31
last
5:31
several
5:32
years
5:32
of
5:32
my
5:32
marriage
5:33
felt
5:33
like
5:33
something
5:33
was
5:34
off.
5:35
From
5:35
the
5:36
outside,
5:36
my
5:36
life
5:36
looked
5:37
good.
5:37
Stability,
5:38
comfort,
5:38
nice
5:39
things.
5:40
But
5:40
inside,
5:40
something
5:41
felt
5:41
empty.
5:43
Our
5:43
conversation
5:44
stayed
5:44
on
5:44
the
5:44
surface,
5:44
and
5:45
we
5:45
kept
5:45
having
5:45
the
5:45
same
5:46
arguments.
5:48
I
5:48
kept
5:48
thinking
5:48
this
5:49
should
5:49
make
5:49
me
5:49
happy.
5:50
I
5:50
couldn't
5:51
understand
5:51
why
5:51
it
5:52
didn't.
5:53
Then
5:53
came
5:53
along
5:54
a
5:54
period
5:54
of
5:54
confusion.
5:55
I
5:55
couldn't
5:56
clearly
5:56
explain
5:57
what
5:57
was
5:57
wrong
5:57
or
5:58
how
5:58
I
5:58
felt.
5:59
I
5:59
tried
6:00
to
6:00
convince
6:00
myself
6:01
I
6:01
should
6:01
be
6:01
grateful.
6:02
I
6:02
minimized
6:03
my
6:03
feelings.
6:04
Excuse
6:05
me.
6:05
I
6:06
assumed
6:06
the
6:06
problem
6:07
must
6:07
be
6:07
me.
6:09
I
6:09
pushed
6:09
for
6:09
couples
6:09
therapy
6:10
and
6:10
tried
6:10
harder
6:11
to
6:11
fix
6:11
it.
6:13
Most
6:13
of
6:13
my
6:13
life
6:13
had
6:14
been
6:14
about
6:14
taking
6:14
care
6:14
of
6:15
others
6:15
and
6:15
putting
6:15
their
6:16
needs
6:16
first.
6:17
I
6:17
didn't
6:18
actually
6:18
know
6:18
myself
6:19
outside
6:19
of
6:19
that.
6:20
Over
6:21
time,
6:21
the
6:21
confusion
6:22
turned
6:22
into
6:22
exhaustion.
6:24
I
6:24
realized
6:24
I
6:24
was
6:24
the
6:24
only
6:25
one
6:25
sacrificing,
6:26
and
6:26
it
6:26
quietl-
6:27
it
6:27
had
6:27
quietly
6:27
become
6:28
expected.
6:30
I
6:30
cared
6:30
about
6:30
him,
6:30
but
6:31
I
6:31
couldn't
6:31
pretend
6:31
the
6:31
connection
6:32
was
6:32
there
6:32
anymore.
6:34
The
6:34
same
6:34
conversations
6:35
repeated,
6:35
and
6:35
I
6:36
felt
6:36
myself
6:36
getting
6:36
quieter
6:37
and
6:37
more
6:37
tired
6:38
inside.
6:40
I
6:40
felt
6:40
strongly
6:40
called
6:41
to
6:41
be
6:41
alone.
6:42
I
6:42
even
6:42
withdrew
6:42
from
6:43
friends
6:43
and
6:43
family
6:44
because
6:44
I
6:44
needed
6:45
silence
6:45
to
6:45
hear
6:45
myself.
6:47
At
6:48
some
6:48
point,
6:48
it
6:48
stopped
6:49
being
6:49
about
6:49
understanding
6:50
and
6:50
became
6:50
about
6:51
honesty.
6:52
I
6:53
couldn't
6:53
keep
6:53
participating
6:54
in
6:54
something
6:55
that
6:55
didn't
6:55
feel
6:55
true.
6:57
Around
6:57
that
6:57
time,
6:57
I
6:57
realized
6:58
I
6:58
was
6:58
about
6:59
20
6:59
years
6:59
younger
7:00
than
7:01
my
7:01
mom's
7:01
age
7:01
when
7:01
she
7:02
passed
7:02
away.
7:03
I
7:03
asked
7:04
myself,
7:04
"If
7:05
I
7:05
only
7:05
have
7:05
20
7:06
years
7:06
left,
7:07
would
7:07
I
7:07
regret
7:07
not
7:08
changing
7:08
my
7:08
life?"
7:10
The
7:10
thought
7:10
of
7:10
reaching
7:11
the
7:11
end
7:11
of
7:11
my
7:11
life
7:11
and
7:12
knowing
7:12
I
7:12
never
7:12
took
7:13
a
7:13
chance
7:13
on
7:13
myself
7:14
scared
7:14
me
7:14
more
7:15
than
7:15
staying.
7:17
I
7:17
just
7:17
knew
7:17
I
7:18
had
7:18
to
7:18
ask
7:18
for
7:18
the
7:18
divorce.
7:19
I
7:19
decided
7:20
to
7:20
take
7:20
the
7:20
risk
7:21
on
7:21
myself
7:21
even
7:22
though
7:22
I
7:22
was
7:22
scared.
7:23
I
7:23
didn't
7:24
know
7:24
what
7:24
a
7:24
better
7:25
life
7:25
looked
7:25
like.
7:26
I
7:26
just
7:26
knew
7:27
this
7:27
wasn't
7:27
it.
7:29
I
7:29
wasn't
7:29
leaving
7:29
to
7:30
find
7:30
someone
7:30
else.
7:31
I
7:31
was
7:31
leaving
7:32
to
7:32
be
7:32
alone
7:32
and
7:32
find
7:33
me.
7:34
I
7:34
realized
7:35
if
7:35
I
7:35
wasn't
7:36
happy,
7:36
neither
7:36
of
7:36
us
7:37
really
7:37
was.
7:38
I
7:38
chose
7:39
uncertainty
7:39
over
7:40
familiar
7:40
unhappiness.
7:43
After
7:43
I
7:43
said
7:43
it,
7:44
everything
7:44
became
7:45
real.
7:46
I
7:46
second-guessed
7:47
myself,
7:47
and
7:47
the
7:47
guilt
7:48
didn't
7:48
disappear,
7:49
but
7:50
I
7:50
stayed
7:50
with
7:50
the
7:50
decision.
7:52
I
7:52
still
7:52
lived
7:52
in
7:53
the
7:53
house
7:53
while
7:53
the
7:53
divorce
7:54
unfolded,
7:55
learning
7:56
to
7:56
stand
7:56
inside
7:56
a
7:57
choice
7:57
I
7:57
had
7:57
made.
7:59
Fear
7:59
was
7:59
loud,
8:00
but
8:00
there
8:01
was
8:01
also
8:01
a
8:01
steady
8:02
voice
8:02
inside
8:02
me
8:02
that
8:03
didn't
8:03
go
8:03
away.
8:05
I
8:05
didn't
8:05
feel
8:06
free
8:06
yet,
8:06
but
8:07
I
8:07
felt
8:07
honest
8:09
Looking
8:09
back,
8:09
the
8:09
divorce
8:10
wasn't
8:10
the
8:10
transformation.
8:12
It
8:12
was
8:12
the
8:13
beginning
8:13
of
8:13
a
8:13
relationship
8:15
with
8:15
myself
8:16
I've
8:16
been
8:16
intentionally
8:17
nurturing
8:17
ever
8:17
since.
8:19
These
8:19
years
8:20
haven't
8:20
been
8:20
about
8:20
becoming
8:21
someone
8:21
new,
8:22
but
8:22
about
8:23
freeing
8:23
myself
8:23
from
8:23
societal
8:24
conditioning
8:25
to
8:25
be
8:26
who
8:26
I
8:26
truly
8:26
am.
8:28
For
8:28
a
8:28
long
8:29
time,
8:29
I
8:29
thought
8:29
awakening
8:30
meant
8:30
becoming
8:31
confident
8:31
or
8:31
having
8:32
life
8:32
figured
8:33
out,
8:34
but
8:34
it
8:34
was
8:35
actually
8:35
learning
8:35
to
8:36
trust
8:36
my
8:36
own
8:36
voice
8:37
and
8:38
choosing
8:38
it,
8:38
even
8:39
when
8:39
fear
8:39
was
8:39
still
8:39
present.
8:41
Nothing
8:42
changed
8:42
because
8:42
I
8:43
suddenly
8:43
became
8:43
fearless.
8:45
It
8:45
changed
8:45
because
8:46
I
8:46
stopped
8:47
abandoning
8:47
myself
8:48
in
8:48
order
8:48
to
8:48
feel
8:49
safe.
8:50
And
8:50
now
8:50
trust
8:51
doesn't
8:51
come
8:51
from
8:52
knowing
8:52
what
8:52
will
8:53
happen
8:53
next.
8:54
It
8:54
comes
8:54
from
8:55
knowing
8:55
I'll
8:55
always
8:56
choose
8:56
myself.
8:58
So
8:58
that's
8:58
the
8:58
story
8:59
that
8:59
really
8:59
changed
8:59
the
8:59
direction
9:00
of
9:00
my
9:00
life,
9:01
and
9:01
I'm
9:01
happy
9:02
to
9:02
discuss
9:02
anything
9:02
with
9:03
you
9:03
guys.
9:03
I
9:04
will
9:04
now
9:05
be
9:05
taking
9:05
questions.
9:06
Thank
9:06
you
9:06
very
9:06
much.
9:07
Um-
9:07
I
9:08
will
9:08
now
9:08
be
9:08
taking
9:09
questions.
9:10
Um,
9:12
wow,
9:13
lady.
9:13
There
9:13
were
9:13
a
9:13
couple
9:14
moments,
9:15
um...
9:16
You
9:16
have
9:16
to
9:16
look
9:16
back
9:16
at
9:16
our
9:17
faces
9:17
when...
9:19
cause
9:19
you
9:19
weren't
9:19
looking
9:19
at
9:20
the
9:20
screen-
9:20
Yeah
9:20
while
9:20
you
9:20
were
9:21
reading.
9:21
Right,
9:22
yes.
9:22
Well,
9:22
I
9:22
couldn't
9:23
look
9:23
at
9:23
you
9:23
'cause
9:23
I
9:23
feel
9:24
like
9:24
if
9:24
I
9:24
looked
9:24
at
9:24
you
9:25
guys,
9:25
I,
9:25
I,
9:25
I
9:25
would
9:26
get
9:26
distracted
9:26
and
9:26
in
9:27
my
9:27
head.
9:27
So
9:27
I'm
9:27
like,
9:28
"Just
9:28
focus
9:28
on
9:29
the
9:29
task
9:29
at
9:29
hand
9:29
here."
9:30
You're
9:30
probably
9:30
right
9:31
because
9:31
we
9:31
made
9:32
a...
9:32
We
9:32
said
9:32
a
9:32
lot
9:33
of
9:33
things-
9:34
Okay,
9:34
good.
9:35
Yeah
9:35
with
9:35
our
9:35
faces
9:36
without
9:36
saying
9:37
words.
9:38
Um-
9:38
Okay.
9:39
Now
9:39
you
9:39
can
9:39
say
9:40
them.
9:40
Say
9:40
'em.
9:41
I've
9:41
scribbled-
9:42
I
9:42
wanna
9:42
hear
9:42
them
9:42
I've
9:42
scribbled
9:42
so
9:43
many
9:43
things.
9:44
Okay.
9:45
Me
9:45
too.
9:45
That's
9:46
exactly
9:46
what
9:46
I
9:46
was
9:46
gonna
9:47
say.
9:47
Like,
9:47
I
9:48
have
9:48
so
9:48
many
9:48
notes.
9:49
You
9:50
know,
9:50
it's
9:50
so
9:50
funny,
9:50
that's
9:50
exactly
9:51
what
9:51
I
9:51
was
9:51
picturing.
9:52
That
9:53
we
9:53
would
9:53
both
9:53
take
9:53
notes?
9:54
Yeah,
9:54
yeah.
9:54
Yeah.
9:54
But
9:54
I'm
9:54
like,
9:55
"They're
9:55
just
9:55
gonna
9:55
take
9:55
notes
9:56
and
9:56
then
9:56
they're
9:56
gonna
9:56
ask
9:56
me
9:56
questions."
9:57
Yeah.
9:59
Question
9:59
number
9:59
one
10:01
on
10:01
my...
10:02
Yes,
10:02
ma'am.
10:03
No.
10:03
I
10:03
wanna
10:04
go
10:04
to
10:04
the
10:04
part
10:05
where
10:05
you
10:05
said
10:07
you
10:08
put
10:08
harmony
10:08
and
10:09
connection
10:09
in
10:09
air
10:09
quotes.
10:10
Let's
10:10
just
10:10
go
10:10
all
10:11
the
10:11
way
10:11
back
10:11
to
10:11
the
10:11
beginning.
10:13
Yeah.
10:13
Harmony
10:14
and
10:14
connection
10:14
in
10:15
air
10:15
quotes.
10:17
I,
10:17
I
10:18
think
10:18
I
10:18
understand
10:19
the
10:19
air
10:20
quotes.
10:20
Yeah.
10:20
But
10:20
why
10:21
did
10:21
you-
10:21
Uh-huh
10:21
why
10:22
did
10:22
you
10:22
emphasize
10:23
that?
10:24
Well,
10:25
because,
10:25
um-
10:26
That's
10:26
what
10:26
I
10:26
was
10:27
taught,
10:27
right?
10:27
Like,
10:28
I
10:28
have
10:28
to
10:28
hold
10:28
everything
10:29
in,
10:29
keeping,
10:30
keep
10:30
everything
10:30
inside,
10:31
your
10:31
feelings,
10:31
everything.
10:32
Th-
10:32
you
10:32
know,
10:33
that
10:33
doesn't
10:33
matter.
10:34
What
10:34
matters
10:34
is
10:35
harmony
10:36
and
10:36
connection,
10:37
right?
10:37
We
10:37
wanna
10:38
keep
10:38
peace,
10:38
right?
10:39
Like,
10:39
that's
10:39
what
10:40
I
10:40
was
10:40
always...
10:41
Whether
10:41
I
10:41
was
10:41
told
10:42
verbally
10:42
or
10:42
it
10:42
was,
10:43
it
10:43
was,
10:43
um...
10:45
Crap,
10:45
what's
10:46
the
10:46
word?
10:46
I
10:46
was
10:46
just,
10:47
just,
10:48
um-
10:48
Was
10:48
it
10:48
conditioned?
10:50
It
10:50
was
10:50
conditioned,
10:50
but
10:50
that's
10:51
not
10:51
the.
10:51
Implied?
10:53
Thank
10:53
you.
10:53
Yes.
10:54
Implied,
10:55
you
10:55
know?
10:55
Ah,
10:56
yes.
10:56
Yeah,
10:56
yeah.
10:57
So,
10:58
you
10:58
know,
10:58
I
10:58
lived
10:58
with
10:58
that
10:59
for,
10:59
for
10:59
so
11:00
long,
11:00
so
11:01
yeah,
11:01
it's
11:01
just,,
11:01
shove
11:02
everything
11:02
down.
11:03
And
11:04
it's
11:04
like
11:04
harmony
11:04
and
11:05
connection
11:05
for
11:05
who?
11:07
E-
11:07
exactly.
11:07
For...
11:07
Like,
11:07
maybe
11:08
it
11:08
feels
11:08
that
11:08
way
11:09
for
11:09
everybody
11:09
else,
11:09
but
11:10
the
11:10
inner
11:10
turmoil
11:11
that
11:11
that
11:12
causes-
11:13
Right.
11:14
Ex-
11:14
exactly-
11:14
is,
11:14
is
11:14
like
11:14
not
11:14
worth
11:14
'cause
11:14
it's
11:14
on
11:14
the
11:15
surface.
11:16
Yeah.
11:16
It's
11:16
all
11:17
surface,
11:17
right?
11:18
Yeah.
11:18
Because
11:18
inside
11:19
you're
11:20
fucking
11:20
in
11:20
turmoil.
11:21
It's
11:21
just
11:21
you're
11:21
destroyed.
11:22
Yeah.
11:23
And-
11:23
And
11:23
there's
11:23
no
11:23
harmony
11:24
for
11:24
you
11:24
Right.
11:25
No.
11:25
And
11:25
no
11:25
con-
11:25
It's
11:25
destroying
11:26
you
11:26
one
11:26
little
11:26
bit
11:26
at
11:26
a
11:27
time.
11:27
Every
11:27
time
11:27
you're
11:28
told,
11:28
you're
11:28
just
11:28
destroyed
11:29
a
11:29
little
11:29
more.
11:30
Yeah.
11:30
Exactly.
11:31
And
11:31
no
11:31
real
11:32
connection
11:32
either,
11:33
because-
11:33
Right
11:34
that's
11:34
not
11:34
even
11:35
you.
11:35
There's
11:36
no
11:36
truth
11:36
in
11:36
it.
11:37
There's
11:37
no
11:37
authenticity-
11:38
Right
11:38
in
11:38
that.
11:38
Yes,
11:38
yes.
11:38
Yeah.
11:39
That's
11:39
why,
11:39
that's
11:39
why
11:39
I
11:39
had
11:40
to
11:40
put
11:40
air
11:40
quotes,
11:40
like
11:41
harmony
11:41
and
11:41
connection-
11:41
Yeah
11:42
because
11:42
it's
11:42
such
11:42
bullshit.
11:43
It's
11:43
performative,
11:44
yeah.
11:44
Totally,
11:45
totally.
11:46
Yeah.
11:46
Yes.
11:46
It's
11:46
performative.
11:46
But,
11:46
uh,
11:47
but
11:47
I
11:47
was
11:47
a
11:47
good
11:47
little
11:47
performer.
11:48
I
11:48
was
11:48
like,
11:48
"Oh,
11:48
got
11:49
it."
11:49
Yes.
11:50
I
11:50
know
11:50
my
11:50
lines.
11:51
I
11:51
will
11:51
perform.
11:51
Yes,
11:52
exactly.
11:53
I
11:54
should
11:54
have
11:54
been
11:54
an
11:55
actress.
11:55
Watch
11:56
me.
11:56
Watch
11:57
me
11:57
work.
11:57
Right.
11:58
I
11:58
was
11:59
an
11:59
actress.
11:59
I
11:59
was
11:59
just
12:00
an
12:00
unpaid
12:00
actress.
12:01
Exactly,
12:02
exactly.
12:03
Uh.
12:03
Yes.
12:04
Same.
12:04
Not
12:04
even
12:04
underpaid.
12:05
Totally
12:06
unpaid.
12:06
Unpaid.
12:07
Unpaid
12:08
labor.
12:08
For
12:08
fucking
12:08
free.
12:09
Worse.
12:10
Worse.
12:10
Right.
12:10
Exactly.
12:11
Actually,
12:11
it
12:11
cost
12:12
us
12:12
a
12:12
lot.
12:12
Yeah,
12:13
yep,
12:13
no
12:14
benefits.
12:14
We,
12:14
we
12:15
were
12:15
paying.
12:16
Oh,
12:17
yeah.
12:17
It
12:17
was
12:17
bad.
12:17
Yeah.
12:19
Exactly.
12:19
No
12:19
benefits.
12:21
Okay.
12:21
I'm
12:21
gonna...
12:22
Let's
12:22
ping
12:22
pong
12:22
this.
12:23
Sloane,
12:24
you
12:24
go,
12:24
'cause
12:24
I
12:24
could
12:25
just
12:25
run
12:25
all
12:25
the
12:25
way
12:25
down
12:26
the
12:26
page.
12:26
Yeah.
12:28
I'm
12:28
gonna
12:28
bounce
12:29
around.
12:30
Okay.
12:30
Because
12:31
I'm
12:32
gonna
12:32
come
12:32
back
12:32
to
12:32
something.
12:33
I
12:33
think
12:33
there
12:33
was
12:33
a
12:33
giant
12:34
theme
12:34
here.
12:35
Some
12:36
of
12:36
my
12:36
bottom
12:36
lining.
12:37
I
12:37
was
12:37
like,
12:37
I
12:37
notice
12:38
one
12:38
thread
12:38
through
12:38
the
12:39
whole
12:39
thing.
12:39
Um,
12:40
but,
12:40
um-
12:41
This
12:42
jumped
12:42
out
12:42
to
12:42
me.
12:43
Um,
12:43
you
12:43
said
12:44
that
12:45
you
12:45
went
12:45
to
12:45
couples
12:46
therapy
12:47
and
12:47
you
12:47
tried
12:48
harder
12:48
to
12:48
fix
12:49
it.
12:50
Mm-hmm.
12:51
But
12:51
what
12:51
I
12:51
heard
12:52
you
12:52
say
12:53
was
12:53
to
12:54
fix
12:54
me.
12:56
Because
12:56
you
12:56
said,
12:57
"I,
12:57
I
12:57
must
12:58
be
12:58
the
12:58
problem
12:58
or
12:58
it
12:59
must
12:59
be
12:59
me."
13:00
Yeah.
13:01
I,
13:01
you
13:01
know,
13:01
honestly,
13:02
I
13:02
feel
13:02
at
13:02
that
13:03
point
13:03
I
13:03
was
13:03
just,
13:04
like,
13:04
desperate
13:05
to
13:05
try
13:05
anything.
13:06
Mm.
13:07
And,
13:07
and
13:07
like
13:07
I
13:07
also
13:08
said,
13:09
my
13:09
life
13:09
had
13:09
been
13:09
so
13:09
much
13:10
about
13:10
everyone
13:11
else
13:11
that
13:11
I
13:11
didn't
13:12
even
13:12
know
13:13
that,
13:13
right?
13:13
Like,
13:14
I
13:14
didn't
13:14
even
13:14
see
13:14
that
13:14
in
13:15
myself
13:15
then.
13:17
Um,
13:18
so
13:18
it
13:18
was
13:18
just
13:18
keep
13:19
trying
13:19
harder,
13:19
keep
13:19
trying
13:20
harder,
13:20
uh,
13:20
is
13:21
it
13:22
to
13:22
make
13:22
everything
13:22
right.
13:23
For
13:23
you
13:23
to
13:23
tell
13:23
me
13:24
what
13:24
I
13:24
need
13:24
to
13:24
do
13:25
to
13:25
make
13:25
it
13:25
right,
13:26
right?
13:27
Whether
13:27
it
13:27
was
13:27
him,
13:28
the
13:28
therapist,
13:30
just
13:30
tell
13:30
me,
13:31
you
13:31
know?
13:31
'Cause
13:32
I
13:32
need
13:32
to,
13:32
I,
13:32
I
13:33
needed
13:33
to,
13:34
to
13:34
fix
13:34
it.
13:34
Mm.
13:35
Like,
13:35
because
13:35
again,
13:35
it
13:35
wasn't
13:36
about
13:36
me.
13:37
I
13:38
see
13:38
what
13:38
you
13:38
mean
13:38
about
13:38
it
13:38
being
13:39
about
13:39
me,
13:39
yes.
13:41
It
13:41
felt
13:41
empty,
13:43
hollow.
13:44
Yeah.
13:44
It
13:44
was.
13:45
Therapy
13:45
wasn't
13:46
to
13:47
f-
13:47
it's
13:47
this,
13:48
I'm
13:48
inter-
13:48
I'm
13:48
completely
13:48
interpretating.
13:49
Interpretating.
13:49
Interpreting-
13:50
what
13:50
you're
13:50
trying
13:50
to
13:50
say.
13:52
S-
13:52
Yes
13:52
what
13:52
happens
13:53
when
13:53
I
13:53
don't
13:53
think
13:53
before
13:54
I
13:54
speak.
13:54
Um-
13:55
I
13:56
know
13:56
the
13:56
feeling.
13:57
I
13:57
just
13:58
combined
13:58
all
13:58
my-
13:58
I'm
13:58
very-
13:58
words
13:59
together.
13:59
Um-
14:01
It
14:01
was,
14:01
I
14:02
mean,
14:02
when
14:02
you
14:02
say
14:02
fix
14:03
it,
14:03
you
14:03
were
14:03
talking
14:04
about
14:04
the
14:04
marriage,
14:05
right?
14:05
Correct.
14:05
But-
14:06
Yes
14:06
I
14:07
feel
14:07
like
14:08
underscoring
14:09
that
14:10
even,
14:10
like
14:10
even
14:10
just
14:11
what
14:11
you
14:11
said,
14:12
right?
14:13
Like,
14:14
is
14:15
To
14:15
fix
14:16
me
14:16
so
14:16
that
14:17
I'm
14:17
happy
14:17
because
14:18
everybody's
14:18
telling
14:19
me
14:19
I'm
14:19
supposed
14:19
to
14:19
be
14:19
happy
14:21
If
14:21
you
14:21
look
14:22
at
14:22
the
14:22
situation
14:23
I'm
14:23
in
14:24
where
14:25
We're
14:25
comfortable.
14:26
We
14:27
get
14:27
along
14:28
primarily.
14:29
Like,
14:30
he's
14:30
not
14:30
abusive,
14:31
he's
14:31
not
14:31
a
14:31
drug
14:31
addict,
14:32
he's
14:32
not
14:32
a
14:32
gambler.
14:33
Right.
14:33
Yeah,
14:33
he's
14:33
not
14:33
a
14:33
cheater.
14:33
Right.
14:33
Like,
14:34
it's
14:34
just
14:34
a
14:34
normal,
14:36
average
14:36
family.
14:37
I
14:37
should
14:38
be
14:38
happy-
14:39
Right
14:39
but
14:39
I'm
14:39
not.
14:40
So
14:41
what
14:41
do
14:41
I
14:42
need
14:42
to
14:42
do
14:42
to
14:43
fix
14:43
me
14:44
to
14:44
fit
14:44
into
14:45
the
14:45
situation?
14:46
Right.
14:47
Y-
14:48
I
14:48
mean,
14:48
even
14:49
though
14:49
I,
14:49
I
14:49
did,
14:50
um,
14:52
put
14:52
a
14:52
lot
14:52
of
14:52
blame
14:53
on
14:53
myself
14:54
quietly,
14:54
I
14:54
also
14:55
n-
14:55
there
14:55
was
14:56
also
14:56
this
14:56
part
14:56
of
14:56
me
14:56
that
14:57
knew
14:57
it
14:57
wasn't
14:58
all
14:58
me,
14:59
right?
15:00
Mm-hmm.
15:00
So...
15:01
And
15:01
that's,
15:01
and
15:01
that's
15:01
the
15:02
confusion.
15:02
Yeah.
15:02
That
15:02
was,
15:02
like,
15:03
the
15:03
huge
15:03
confusion
15:04
of
15:04
it
15:04
all,
15:04
is
15:04
that-
15:06
I
15:06
knew
15:06
it
15:06
wasn't
15:06
all
15:06
me,
15:07
but
15:07
in
15:07
a
15:07
sense
15:08
I
15:08
was
15:08
willing
15:08
to
15:08
take
15:09
that
15:09
also.
15:10
Like,
15:10
because
15:10
again,
15:11
people
15:11
pleaser,
15:11
right?
15:13
Okay,
15:13
fine.
15:13
Well,
15:13
no,
15:13
that's
15:14
the,
15:14
that's
15:14
the
15:14
conditioning.
15:15
Yeah.
15:15
Right?
15:16
Exactly.
15:17
Yeah.
15:17
We're
15:17
looking
15:17
outside
15:18
and
15:18
saying,
15:18
"Everybody's
15:19
saying
15:20
this
15:20
is
15:20
good."
15:21
Right.
15:22
Mm-hmm,
15:23
"And
15:23
I'm
15:23
not
15:23
feeling
15:24
that,
15:24
so
15:24
that
15:25
must
15:25
mean
15:25
I'm
15:26
broken."
15:27
Right.
15:27
Something,
15:27
something
15:28
must
15:28
be,
15:28
something
15:29
must
15:29
be
15:29
wrong
15:29
with
15:29
me.
15:29
But
15:30
that's
15:30
why
15:30
I
15:30
tried,
15:30
like
15:30
I
15:31
tried,
15:31
like,
15:31
oh
15:31
maybe
15:31
I
15:31
just
15:31
need-
15:32
Yeah
15:32
to
15:32
be
15:32
more
15:32
grateful.
15:32
Like,
15:32
I
15:33
remember
15:33
thinking
15:33
that.
15:33
I'm
15:34
like,
15:34
"Maybe
15:34
I
15:34
just
15:34
need
15:35
to
15:35
be
15:35
more
15:35
grateful,"
15:35
so
15:36
I
15:37
performed
15:37
that
15:37
too.
15:38
Like,
15:38
like,
15:39
oh,
15:39
did...
15:40
You
15:40
know,
15:41
it's
15:41
like
15:41
when
15:41
you
15:41
force
15:41
yourself
15:42
to,
15:42
like,
15:42
um,
15:42
to
15:43
be
15:43
happy,
15:43
to
15:43
think,
15:44
like,
15:44
"Oh,
15:44
but,
15:45
oh
15:45
yes,
15:45
but
15:45
this
15:45
is
15:45
so
15:46
good
15:46
and
15:46
that's
15:46
so
15:46
good,
15:47
and
15:47
so
15:47
I
15:47
should
15:47
be
15:47
happy
15:48
because,
15:49
we
15:49
have
15:49
this
15:49
house."
15:49
And
15:49
so,
15:49
"Oh
15:50
yeah,
15:50
no,
15:50
my
15:50
life
15:50
is
15:50
great."
15:50
And
15:51
then
15:51
I'm
15:51
like,
15:51
"Nope,
15:51
still
15:52
n-
15:52
that
15:52
feeling's
15:52
still
15:52
there,"
15:53
you
15:53
know?
15:53
Like-
15:54
Yeah
15:54
that
15:54
feeling
15:54
is
15:55
still
15:55
not
15:55
going
15:55
away.
15:56
Yeah.
15:57
Yeah.
15:58
Well,
15:58
yeah,
15:58
you
15:58
said
15:59
that
15:59
too.
15:59
It's
15:59
like
15:59
we
16:00
have
16:00
nice
16:01
things,
16:01
like,
16:01
we've
16:02
e-
16:02
like
16:02
X,
16:02
Y,
16:03
and
16:03
Z.
16:03
Yeah.
16:03
It's...
16:05
And
16:06
there's
16:06
also-
16:07
On
16:07
paper
16:07
it's
16:07
great.
16:08
Yeah,
16:08
on
16:08
paper
16:08
it's
16:09
great.
16:09
And-
16:09
Mm-hmm
16:09
there's
16:09
also
16:09
the
16:10
theme
16:10
of,
16:10
like,
16:12
when
16:12
you
16:12
were
16:12
talking
16:13
about,
16:13
like,
16:13
harmony
16:13
and
16:14
connection,
16:14
and,
16:14
like,
16:15
the,
16:15
the
16:16
sort
16:16
of,
16:16
like,
16:16
the
16:16
conditioning
16:17
and
16:17
the
16:18
performative
16:18
nature,
16:18
like
16:18
the
16:18
people-pleasing
16:19
tendencies.
16:20
It's
16:21
immediately
16:22
like,
16:22
"If
16:23
there's
16:23
a
16:23
problem,
16:24
hi,
16:25
it's
16:25
me.
16:26
I'm
16:26
the
16:26
problem.
16:27
It's
16:27
me."
16:27
Like,
16:27
it's...
16:28
Right?
16:28
Like,
16:28
we
16:29
are
16:29
so
16:29
self-critical
16:30
when
16:30
you're
16:30
in
16:31
that,
16:32
like,
16:32
people-pleasing
16:33
mentality.
16:33
"Well,
16:34
there's
16:34
something
16:34
I
16:34
should
16:35
have
16:35
done
16:35
differently
16:35
here.
16:36
It
16:36
must
16:36
be
16:36
my
16:36
fault
16:37
if
16:37
the
16:37
thing
16:37
went
16:37
wrong."
16:38
Like,
16:39
right?
16:39
So
16:39
you
16:39
took
16:40
accountability-
16:40
I-
16:40
in
16:41
a
16:41
place
16:41
where,
16:41
like-
16:43
Yeah.
16:43
Like,
16:43
there's
16:45
Like,
16:45
I
16:45
appreciate
16:46
the
16:46
idea
16:46
of,
16:46
like,
16:46
shared
16:47
responsibility,
16:48
knowing
16:48
that
16:48
it's
16:48
not
16:48
100%
16:49
you.
16:50
Um,
16:51
but
16:51
there's
16:51
also,
16:52
like,
16:52
so
16:52
many
16:53
elements
16:54
that
16:54
are
16:54
like
16:55
we,
16:56
we,
16:56
like,
16:56
should
16:57
ourselves
16:57
to
16:58
death
16:58
based
16:58
on
16:58
our
16:59
conditioning.
17:00
Yeah.
17:01
Like,
17:01
I
17:01
should-
17:01
Like,
17:01
you
17:01
know-
17:01
be
17:01
happy.
17:02
This
17:02
should
17:02
be
17:02
good.
17:03
Right.
17:03
Everything.
17:04
Well,
17:04
I
17:04
just
17:04
always
17:04
felt
17:04
so
17:05
responsible
17:05
for
17:06
others,
17:06
right?
17:06
Yes.
17:06
Because
17:07
at
17:07
such
17:07
a
17:07
young
17:08
age,
17:09
I
17:09
became
17:09
responsible
17:10
for
17:10
my
17:10
mother.
17:11
Like,
17:11
I
17:11
was
17:11
doing
17:11
the
17:11
emotional
17:12
labor,
17:13
right?
17:13
Yes.
17:13
So
17:13
I
17:14
did
17:14
so
17:14
much
17:14
emotional
17:15
labor
17:15
as
17:16
a
17:16
child-
17:17
Horrendous
17:17
that,
17:17
that
17:17
just,
17:18
that
17:18
just
17:18
transferred
17:18
into
17:19
my
17:19
adult
17:19
life,
17:19
and
17:19
that's
17:20
what
17:20
I
17:20
did,
17:20
so
17:20
even
17:21
if
17:21
I
17:21
con-
17:22
even
17:22
if
17:22
I
17:22
did
17:22
understand
17:23
it
17:23
on
17:23
some
17:23
level
17:24
that
17:24
it
17:24
wasn't
17:24
my
17:24
fault,
17:25
I
17:25
still
17:26
felt
17:26
responsible.
17:27
Yes.
17:27
I
17:27
made
17:28
it
17:28
my
17:28
responsibility
17:29
that,
17:29
like,
17:29
somehow,
17:30
I
17:30
could
17:30
fix
17:30
it,
17:30
'cause
17:31
if
17:31
I
17:31
just
17:31
loved
17:31
harder,
17:32
if
17:32
I
17:32
just
17:32
gave
17:32
more
17:33
of
17:33
myself,
17:34
then
17:35
that
17:35
alone
17:35
should
17:36
change
17:37
it,
17:37
and
17:37
you're
17:37
gonna
17:37
wanna
17:38
give
17:38
me
17:38
the
17:38
same
17:38
back.
17:40
That's
17:40
the,
17:41
that's
17:42
the
17:42
hope,
17:43
right?
17:43
Like,
17:44
we
17:44
sort
17:44
of
17:45
When
17:46
you're
17:46
a
17:46
giver-
17:48
Mm-hmm
17:48
we
17:48
expect
17:50
I,
17:50
I
17:50
read
17:50
a
17:51
thing
17:51
once
17:51
that
17:51
said,
17:51
like,
17:52
"Stop
17:52
expecting
17:53
you
17:53
from
17:53
other
17:54
people."
17:54
And
17:55
I
17:55
was
17:55
like,
17:55
"Oh,
17:55
shit.
17:56
That's
17:56
literally
17:56
what
17:57
I've
17:57
been
17:57
doing
17:57
my
17:57
whole
17:57
life."
17:58
Damn
17:59
it.
17:59
Because
17:59
you
18:00
kind
18:00
of,
18:01
I
18:01
mean,
18:01
you
18:01
have
18:01
this,
18:02
like,
18:02
hope.
18:03
Yeah.
18:04
Because
18:04
you
18:04
wanna,
18:04
like,
18:05
see
18:05
the
18:05
best
18:05
or
18:05
believe
18:06
the
18:06
best
18:06
in
18:06
people,
18:07
that,
18:07
like,
18:07
if
18:07
I
18:08
do
18:08
this,
18:08
then
18:08
they'll
18:09
do
18:09
this.
18:10
Then
18:10
they'll
18:10
meet
18:11
me.
18:11
Well,
18:11
the
18:11
thing
18:11
is,
18:11
you
18:11
can
18:11
see
18:11
it.
18:12
You
18:12
can
18:12
see
18:12
their,
18:13
their
18:13
You
18:13
can
18:14
see
18:14
the,
18:14
the
18:14
potential.
18:15
Yes.
18:16
You
18:16
can
18:16
see
18:17
it,
18:17
because
18:17
you
18:17
can
18:17
see
18:17
that
18:18
they
18:18
can
18:18
be
18:19
that
18:19
person,
18:19
'cause
18:20
it's
18:20
in
18:20
them.
18:20
I
18:20
mean,
18:20
really,
18:21
it's
18:21
in
18:21
all
18:21
of
18:21
us,
18:22
right?
18:22
But
18:22
it's
18:22
just
18:22
a
18:22
matter
18:22
of
18:22
what's
18:23
blocking
18:23
those
18:23
things.
18:24
But
18:24
that's
18:24
the
18:25
part
18:25
where
18:25
you're
18:25
unrealistic
18:26
about,
18:26
or
18:26
that
18:26
sh-
18:26
I
18:27
should
18:27
said
18:27
I
18:27
was
18:27
unrealistic
18:28
about,
18:29
because
18:29
it
18:29
also
18:29
came
18:29
from
18:30
me
18:30
not
18:30
knowing
18:30
myself.
18:31
Mm-hmm.
18:31
Yeah.
18:32
Right?
18:33
And
18:33
so-
18:34
Yeah
18:34
I
18:34
just
18:36
made
18:36
myself
18:36
responsible
18:37
for
18:37
everybody.
18:38
Not
18:39
knowing
18:39
yourself
18:39
and
18:39
not
18:40
trusting
18:41
yourself,
18:41
right?
18:41
Like-
18:42
Right
18:42
so,
18:43
but
18:43
I
18:43
loved
18:44
the,
18:44
like,
18:45
the
18:45
turning
18:45
point
18:46
for
18:46
me
18:46
was
18:47
when
18:48
you
18:48
said,
18:48
like,
18:50
"I
18:50
didn't
18:50
even
18:50
know
18:50
what
18:51
a
18:51
better
18:51
life
18:51
would
18:51
look
18:52
like.
18:52
I
18:52
just
18:53
knew
18:53
it
18:53
wasn't
18:53
this."
18:54
Yep.
18:55
'Cause
18:55
you
18:55
start
18:56
to,
18:56
like,
18:56
even
18:56
if
18:57
we
18:58
can't
18:58
exactly
18:59
pinpoint
19:01
the
19:02
or,
19:03
or
19:03
articulate
19:04
it
19:04
with
19:04
clarity,
19:05
sometimes
19:06
knowing
19:06
what
19:07
you
19:07
don't
19:07
want
19:08
gives
19:08
you
19:08
just
19:08
as
19:09
much
19:09
clarity
19:09
as
19:10
thinking
19:11
about
19:11
what
19:11
you
19:11
do
19:11
want.
19:12
And
19:12
that
19:12
was-
19:13
Mm-hmm.
19:13
So,
19:14
like,
19:14
that's
19:14
the
19:14
turning
19:15
point,
19:15
but
19:15
I
19:15
love
19:15
the
19:16
anchoring
19:16
that
19:17
in,
19:17
like,
19:17
would
19:17
I
19:17
regret
19:18
not
19:18
changing
19:18
my
19:19
life
19:19
if
19:19
I
19:19
only
19:20
had-
19:20
Yeah
19:20
20
19:20
years
19:21
left?
19:21
I
19:21
was
19:21
still
19:22
second-guessing
19:22
myself.
19:23
There
19:23
was
19:23
still
19:24
guilt,
19:25
and
19:25
I
19:25
did
19:25
it
19:25
anyway.
19:26
Yeah.
19:27
Like,
19:27
that
19:27
was
19:29
huge,
19:29
because
19:30
even
19:30
just
19:30
that
19:30
first
19:31
act
19:31
of,
19:32
like,
19:32
trust
19:34
is
19:34
the
19:34
catalyst
19:35
for
19:35
more
19:35
trust.
19:36
Like,
19:37
doing
19:37
that-
19:37
A-
19:37
absolutely.
19:38
Yeah.
19:38
Like,
19:39
getting
19:39
that
19:39
first
19:40
domino
19:40
to
19:40
fall.
19:42
Yeah.
19:42
Woo.
19:42
I
19:42
mean,
19:43
that
19:43
was,
19:43
that
19:43
was
19:43
hard,
19:44
you
19:44
know?
19:45
Cause
19:46
losing
19:46
my
19:46
mom
19:46
was
19:46
really
19:47
hard.
19:47
And,
19:48
um-
19:50
I
19:50
mean,
19:50
I
19:50
was
19:50
the
19:51
exact
19:51
same
19:51
age.
19:52
I
19:52
mean,
19:52
not
19:52
exact
19:52
same
19:52
age,
19:53
but
19:53
20,
19:53
exactly
19:53
20
19:54
years
19:54
younger,
19:54
and
19:55
I
19:55
was
19:55
like,
19:56
my
19:56
mom
19:56
was
19:56
sick
19:56
for
19:56
a
19:56
little
19:57
while,
19:57
and
19:57
so
19:58
having
19:58
gone
19:59
through
19:59
that,
19:59
like
19:59
I,
20:00
you
20:00
know,
20:00
I
20:00
wondered
20:01
also
20:02
what
20:02
she
20:03
went
20:03
through,
20:03
'cause
20:03
my
20:03
mom
20:03
didn't
20:04
really
20:04
say
20:04
a
20:04
lot,
20:05
'cause,
20:05
you
20:05
know,
20:05
to
20:06
her
20:06
it
20:06
was
20:06
protection,
20:07
right?
20:07
Mm-hmm.
20:08
But
20:08
it
20:08
could
20:09
have
20:09
been
20:10
an
20:10
opportunity,
20:11
right-
20:11
Yeah
20:11
to
20:11
connect
20:12
on
20:12
a
20:12
different
20:12
level
20:12
before
20:13
she
20:13
went.
20:13
But
20:13
that's
20:13
okay.
20:13
That's,
20:14
that
20:14
was
20:15
her
20:15
process
20:15
and,
20:15
you
20:15
know,
20:16
it's
20:16
okay.
20:17
Um,
20:18
but
20:19
Uh,,
20:20
I'm,
20:21
I'm
20:21
always
20:21
someone
20:21
that
20:22
I've
20:22
always
20:22
looked
20:23
at
20:23
other
20:23
people
20:25
and
20:26
learned
20:26
something
20:27
from
20:27
them,
20:28
right?
20:28
Or
20:28
from
20:28
their
20:28
situation,
20:30
right?
20:30
And,
20:31
uh,
20:32
I
20:32
just
20:32
remember
20:33
looking
20:33
at
20:33
my
20:33
mom's
20:33
life
20:33
and
20:34
was
20:34
like,
20:34
uh,
20:35
because
20:35
it,
20:35
I,
20:35
because
20:36
I
20:36
remember
20:36
thinking
20:36
back
20:37
that
20:38
she
20:38
had
20:38
had
20:38
such
20:38
a
20:38
sad
20:39
life,
20:40
because
20:40
she,
20:41
she
20:41
had
20:41
suffered
20:42
through
20:42
a
20:42
lot.
20:43
And
20:45
again,
20:45
yeah,
20:45
I
20:45
was
20:45
noticing
20:46
those
20:46
patterns.
20:46
And
20:47
not
20:47
only
20:47
was
20:47
I
20:47
noticing
20:48
them
20:48
with
20:48
my
20:48
mom,
20:48
I
20:48
was
20:49
noticing
20:49
with
20:49
my
20:50
ex's
20:50
parents
20:51
as
20:51
well.
20:51
Not
20:52
because
20:52
they
20:52
were
20:52
bad
20:52
people,
20:53
but
20:53
they
20:53
had,
20:53
they
20:54
had,
20:54
um,
20:55
dysfunctional
20:56
patterns
20:56
too,
20:57
and,
20:57
um,
20:57
and
20:57
it's,
20:58
and
20:58
now,
20:58
and
20:58
now
20:58
it's
20:59
two
20:59
of
20:59
us
20:59
and
20:59
we're
20:59
gonna
20:59
put
20:59
that
21:00
together,
21:00
and
21:00
I'm
21:00
like
21:02
I
21:02
c-
21:02
I
21:02
can't
21:02
do
21:02
this
21:04
Mm-hmm.
21:05
So,
21:06
um,
21:07
yeah,
21:08
it's,
21:08
um
21:09
Mm.
21:10
All
21:10
good
21:10
though.
21:11
You
21:11
know?
21:11
Like,
21:12
I,
21:12
I
21:12
always
21:12
say,
21:14
I
21:14
know
21:14
it's
21:14
difficult
21:15
to
21:15
find,
21:16
and
21:17
maybe
21:17
it
21:17
sounds
21:17
morbid
21:17
to
21:17
some
21:18
people,
21:18
but
21:18
I
21:18
always
21:19
say
21:19
that
21:21
that
21:21
was,
21:21
like,
21:22
the,
21:22
the
21:22
good
21:23
thing
21:23
that
21:23
came
21:23
out
21:23
of
21:24
my
21:24
mom's
21:24
passing,
21:25
was
21:25
the-
21:26
Mm
21:26
that
21:27
it
21:27
made
21:28
me
21:28
think,
21:28
really
21:29
think
21:29
about
21:29
my
21:29
life.
21:29
And
21:30
I
21:30
don't
21:30
know.
21:30
And
21:31
maybe
21:31
I
21:31
would
21:31
have,
21:31
but
21:32
I
21:32
don't
21:32
know
21:32
if
21:32
I
21:32
would
21:32
have
21:33
had
21:33
she
21:35
still
21:35
be
21:35
alive,
21:35
you
21:36
know?
21:36
Not
21:36
saying
21:36
I
21:37
wouldn't
21:37
have
21:37
changed,
21:37
but
21:38
maybe
21:38
it
21:38
would've
21:38
taken
21:38
me
21:38
even
21:39
a
21:39
little
21:39
longer.
21:40
Mm.
21:40
'Cause
21:41
that
21:41
really
21:41
made
21:41
me
21:41
question
21:43
life.
21:43
Yeah.
21:45
Yeah.
21:46
I
21:46
wanna,
21:47
I
21:47
also
21:48
wanna
21:48
talk
21:48
about
21:48
the
21:48
thing
21:49
that
21:50
almost
21:50
made
21:50
me
21:50
throw
21:51
my
21:51
little
21:51
notebook
21:51
across
21:52
the
21:52
room
21:52
when
21:53
you
21:53
said
21:53
it.
21:54
Okay.
21:54
I
21:54
needed,
21:55
I
21:55
needed,
21:56
I
21:56
needed
21:57
silence
21:57
to
21:57
hear
21:58
myself.
22:00
Mm.
22:01
Yeah.
22:03
That
22:03
was
22:03
such
22:03
a,
22:04
that
22:04
was
22:04
such
22:05
a
22:05
powerful
22:06
line.
22:08
But
22:08
I,
22:08
but
22:08
I
22:08
wanna
22:09
dig
22:09
into,
22:09
like,
22:10
why
22:10
that's,
22:12
why
22:13
that
22:13
feels
22:14
so
22:15
profound,
22:16
so
22:16
rebellious,
22:17
if
22:17
you
22:18
will.
22:18
Um-
22:20
Because
22:22
that's
22:22
a
22:22
hard
22:23
thing
22:24
for
22:24
the
22:24
people
22:25
pleasers.
22:27
Yeah.
22:28
I
22:28
just,
22:29
I,
22:29
you
22:29
know,
22:29
at
22:30
that
22:30
time
22:30
I
22:31
I
22:31
didn't
22:32
wanna
22:32
explain
22:33
anything
22:34
to
22:34
anybody,
22:36
because
22:36
I
22:38
didn't
22:38
even
22:38
understand
22:39
it
22:39
myself,
22:40
right?
22:40
Like,
22:40
I,
22:41
I
22:41
couldn't
22:41
put
22:42
words
22:43
to
22:43
what
22:44
I
22:44
was
22:44
feeling,
22:45
so
22:45
I
22:45
couldn't,
22:45
I
22:45
couldn't
22:47
express
22:47
it
22:48
to
22:48
anybody.
22:49
And
22:49
the
22:49
last
22:49
thing
22:50
I
22:50
wanted
22:51
was
22:51
for
22:52
anybody
22:52
to
22:53
try
22:53
and
22:53
convince
22:53
me
22:53
of
22:53
of
22:54
doing
22:54
anything
22:54
else,
22:55
because
22:55
that's
22:55
what
22:55
people
22:56
do.
22:56
Because
22:57
you
22:57
should
22:57
have
22:57
been
22:57
grateful.
22:59
Right.
22:59
You
22:59
know?
23:00
Everything
23:00
was-
23:00
Or
23:00
he's
23:00
such
23:00
a
23:00
good
23:01
guy
23:01
fine.
23:01
Yeah
23:01
and
23:02
your
23:02
life,
23:02
and
23:02
this.
23:03
And
23:03
of
23:03
course,
23:03
there
23:03
is
23:04
no
23:04
arguing
23:05
that.
23:05
Right.
23:06
I
23:06
never
23:06
argued
23:07
those
23:07
things,
23:07
right?
23:08
Right.
23:08
But
23:08
something
23:09
was
23:09
missing.
23:09
There
23:09
was
23:10
no
23:10
connection,
23:11
and
23:11
some
23:11
people
23:11
just
23:11
don't
23:12
understand
23:12
that,.
23:12
Even
23:13
if
23:13
I
23:13
didn't
23:13
understand
23:14
myself
23:16
as
23:16
deeply
23:17
as
23:17
I
23:17
do
23:17
now,
23:18
I
23:18
still
23:18
knew
23:18
then
23:19
what
23:19
a
23:19
deep
23:19
person
23:20
I
23:20
was.
23:21
Yeah.
23:22
Right.
23:22
And,
23:23
and
23:23
I
23:23
just
23:23
knew
23:24
there
23:24
was
23:24
no
23:24
connection,
23:24
and
23:25
I...
23:25
You
23:26
can't
23:26
force
23:27
that.
23:27
You
23:27
can't...
23:28
I,
23:28
you
23:28
know,
23:28
I,
23:29
I
23:29
tried.
23:30
Mm-hmm.
23:31
Well-
23:32
And
23:32
so
23:32
being
23:32
alone
23:32
was
23:32
the
23:32
best
23:33
thing
23:33
that
23:33
I
23:33
could
23:33
do
23:33
for
23:33
myself
23:34
to
23:34
just...
23:35
Aside
23:36
from
23:36
the
23:36
fact
23:36
that
23:36
that's
23:36
just
23:37
me
23:37
anyway,
23:37
but
23:37
this
23:37
was
23:37
so
23:38
big
23:39
that
23:39
I
23:40
just,
23:41
I
23:41
just
23:41
wanted
23:41
to
23:41
be
23:41
alone.
23:42
I
23:42
just
23:42
wanted
23:42
to
23:42
just
23:44
be.
23:45
Well,
23:46
and
23:47
because,
23:47
I
23:47
mean,
23:48
I
23:48
didn't
23:48
wanna
23:49
have
23:49
to
23:49
explain
23:49
myself,
23:50
was
23:51
because
23:51
you're
23:52
exactly
23:52
right.
23:52
That's
23:53
what
23:53
would've
23:53
been
23:53
on
23:53
the
23:53
other
23:54
side
23:54
of
23:54
that.
23:54
Yeah.
23:55
"But
23:55
you
23:56
should
23:56
be
23:56
grateful.
23:56
But
23:57
this
23:57
seems
23:57
so
23:57
good."
23:58
Right,
23:58
right.
23:58
"I
23:58
thought
23:58
you
23:58
guys
23:59
were
23:59
so
23:59
good
23:59
together."
24:00
Like,
24:00
the,
24:00
all
24:00
those
24:01
things
24:01
that
24:01
are
24:01
like,
24:02
again,
24:03
it's
24:03
not
24:04
untrue,
24:04
but
24:04
it's
24:05
really
24:05
hard
24:05
to
24:06
explain
24:06
and
24:06
justify
24:07
to
24:07
someone
24:07
who
24:07
hasn't
24:08
felt
24:08
or
24:08
experienced
24:10
that-
24:12
That
24:12
level
24:12
of
24:13
loneliness
24:14
even
24:15
when
24:15
you're
24:15
not
24:15
alone,
24:17
right?
24:17
Because
24:18
you're-
24:18
Yeah
24:18
lacking
24:18
that
24:19
depth
24:19
that
24:19
you
24:20
need.
24:21
Right.
24:21
Well,
24:21
you
24:21
know
24:22
what?
24:22
And,
24:22
and
24:22
the,
24:22
and
24:22
the
24:22
reason
24:23
why
24:23
people
24:23
don't
24:23
understand
24:24
or
24:24
see
24:24
it
24:24
as
24:24
a
24:24
good
24:25
thing
24:25
is
24:25
is
24:25
because
24:25
it's
24:25
condition
24:26
is
24:26
because
24:26
we've
24:27
been
24:27
told
24:27
that
24:27
those
24:27
are
24:28
the
24:28
things
24:28
that
24:28
are
24:28
required
24:29
for
24:30
a
24:30
good
24:30
relationship.
24:31
Till
24:31
death
24:32
do
24:32
us
24:32
part.
24:34
What
24:34
if
24:34
I'm
24:34
dying
24:35
right
24:35
now?
24:36
Right.
24:37
What
24:37
if
24:37
the
24:37
death-
24:37
And
24:37
if
24:37
you
24:37
are
24:37
unhappy-
24:38
has
24:38
already
24:38
happened
24:38
you
24:38
just
24:38
have
24:38
to
24:38
suffer
24:38
through
24:38
it
24:39
'cause
24:39
it's
24:39
just
24:39
life.
24:39
Right.
24:39
Get
24:40
the
24:40
fuck
24:40
out
24:40
of
24:40
here.
24:42
What
24:42
if
24:42
staying
24:43
here
24:43
is
24:43
what's
24:44
fucking
24:44
killing
24:44
me?
24:45
Yeah,
24:45
exactly.
24:46
Right.
24:46
And
24:46
what
24:46
if
24:47
I'm
24:47
already
24:47
dead?
24:49
All
24:49
the
24:49
fucking
24:49
decades.
24:49
Not
24:49
only
24:49
that,
24:49
it
24:49
does
24:50
fucking
24:50
kill
24:50
you.
24:51
Okay.
24:51
Yeah.
24:51
Why
24:51
are
24:51
so
24:51
women,
24:52
why
24:52
would
24:52
women
24:52
get
24:53
so,
24:53
so
24:53
sick?
24:55
Yeah.
24:55
And
24:55
my
24:55
mom.
24:56
Yeah.
24:57
I'm
24:57
not
24:57
saying
24:57
that
24:57
it
24:57
was
24:57
just
24:58
her
24:58
relation,
24:59
but
24:59
that,
24:59
that
25:00
highly
25:00
contributed
25:01
because
25:01
she
25:01
held
25:01
everything
25:02
inside,
25:03
her
25:03
unhappiness.
25:04
She
25:05
just
25:05
always
25:05
put
25:05
up,
25:06
put
25:06
on
25:06
a
25:06
smile,
25:08
you
25:08
know,
25:08
to
25:08
hide
25:09
the
25:09
pain,
25:10
and
25:11
at
25:11
64
25:12
years
25:12
old,
25:12
she
25:13
dies
25:13
from
25:13
cancer.
25:13
That's
25:14
ridiculous.
25:15
Yeah.
25:16
Literally-
25:17
Wow
25:17
the,
25:17
the
25:17
weight
25:18
or
25:18
the
25:18
toll
25:18
that
25:18
takes
25:19
on
25:19
the
25:19
body.
25:20
Absolutely.
25:20
Yeah.
25:21
Yeah.
25:22
And
25:22
that's,
25:23
I
25:23
mean,
25:23
that's
25:23
the
25:24
thing,
25:24
right?
25:24
Like,
25:26
w-
25:26
we
25:27
are,
25:28
again,
25:28
it
25:28
goes
25:28
back
25:29
to,
25:29
like,
25:29
the
25:29
conditioning,
25:30
the
25:30
things
25:30
we're
25:30
told.
25:31
Like,
25:31
as
25:31
long
25:31
as
25:31
you've
25:31
checked
25:32
all
25:32
these
25:32
boxes-
25:33
Exactly
25:35
then,
25:35
you
25:35
know,
25:36
again,
25:36
it
25:36
makes
25:37
you
25:37
feel
25:37
like
25:37
you're
25:37
the
25:37
problem
25:38
because
25:38
I
25:39
should
25:39
be
25:40
happy
25:40
since
25:41
I've
25:41
done
25:42
this,
25:42
this,
25:42
this,
25:43
and
25:43
this
25:43
thing.
25:43
Yeah.
25:44
And
25:45
it's,
25:47
it's
25:47
really,
25:48
um,
25:50
that's
25:50
hard
25:51
because
25:51
you
25:51
feel
25:51
like
25:52
you
25:53
can't
25:53
talk
25:53
about
25:53
it
25:54
with
25:54
other
25:54
people.
25:54
You
25:54
feel
25:55
like
25:55
you
25:55
can't,
25:55
right?
25:56
Like,
25:56
there
25:56
has
25:56
to
25:56
be
25:57
something
25:58
catastrophic
25:59
to
26:00
warrant-
26:01
Right
26:02
ending
26:02
a
26:02
marriage-
26:03
Mm-hmm
26:04
beyond
26:05
this
26:05
just
26:05
isn't
26:06
right
26:06
for
26:06
me.
26:07
Right.
26:07
Right?
26:08
I,
26:08
I
26:08
hope,
26:10
I
26:10
think,
26:11
that
26:11
there's
26:12
a
26:12
little
26:12
bit
26:12
of
26:12
a
26:12
shift
26:13
happening-
26:14
Oh,
26:14
yeah
26:15
in
26:15
that
26:16
right
26:16
now.
26:18
Um,
26:19
because
26:21
women
26:22
have
26:22
been
26:22
told,
26:23
and
26:23
you
26:23
s-
26:23
you
26:23
actually
26:24
said,
26:24
and
26:24
it's
26:24
just
26:25
this,
26:26
"Abandon
26:26
yourself
26:27
for
26:27
the
26:27
needs-
26:28
Mm-hmm
26:28
of
26:28
everyone
26:28
else."
26:29
Totally.
26:30
Is
26:30
it-
26:30
Yeah
26:30
right?
26:30
Like,
26:30
you're
26:30
last-
26:31
Yeah
26:31
on
26:31
the
26:31
list,
26:31
and
26:32
I
26:32
don't
26:32
think
26:33
that
26:33
that's...
26:34
We're
26:35
moving
26:35
away
26:35
from
26:36
that
26:36
as
26:36
a
26:36
society,
26:37
which
26:37
is
26:37
v-
26:38
I
26:38
mean,
26:39
big
26:39
part
26:40
of
26:40
the
26:40
reason
26:40
we're
26:40
doing
26:40
this
26:41
right
26:41
here-
26:43
Yeah,
26:43
exactly
26:44
We've
26:44
all
26:44
done
26:45
it
26:45
or
26:45
we're
26:45
doing
26:46
it,
26:47
and
26:47
we
26:47
continue
26:48
to,
26:48
like,
26:49
move
26:49
towards
26:50
that.
26:50
But
26:51
one
26:52
thing
26:52
we
26:52
are
26:52
absolutely
26:53
not
26:53
doing
26:53
anymore
26:54
in
26:54
any
26:55
way,
26:55
shape,
26:55
or
26:55
form
26:56
is
26:56
abandoning
26:56
ourselves.
26:57
Yeah.
26:58
Because
26:58
you
26:58
know
26:58
what?
26:59
Like,
27:00
sacrificing
27:01
yourself
27:01
gets
27:01
you
27:01
nowhere.
27:03
Mm.
27:03
It
27:03
doesn't.
27:04
And
27:04
we're
27:04
being
27:04
told
27:05
to
27:05
sacrifice
27:06
time
27:07
and
27:07
time
27:07
again,
27:07
especially
27:08
women,
27:09
right?
27:09
That
27:09
we
27:10
have
27:10
to
27:10
fucking
27:10
sacrifice
27:11
everything
27:11
for
27:11
everyone
27:12
else.
27:13
And
27:14
It's,
27:14
it,
27:15
it
27:15
is.
27:15
It
27:15
is,
27:15
it
27:15
is
27:16
quietly
27:16
expected,
27:17
you
27:17
know?
27:17
Otherwise
27:18
you're
27:18
the
27:18
emotional
27:18
one,
27:19
you're
27:19
the
27:19
this
27:19
and
27:20
you're
27:20
the
27:20
that,
27:20
right?
27:20
Like,
27:20
you're
27:20
not
27:21
allowed
27:21
to
27:21
fucking
27:22
feel
27:22
any-
27:22
I
27:22
don't
27:22
think
27:23
it's
27:23
quiet.
27:24
Well,
27:24
now
27:24
it's
27:24
not.
27:25
Now
27:25
it's
27:25
definitely
27:26
not
27:26
quiet,
27:26
it's
27:27
definitely
27:27
gotten
27:27
louder,
27:28
but,
27:28
it,
27:28
but
27:29
it's
27:29
in,
27:29
it's
27:29
in,
27:30
in
27:30
all
27:30
areas
27:30
of
27:31
life,
27:31
and
27:31
I
27:31
feel
27:31
like
27:31
for
27:32
me
27:33
It
27:33
was.
27:34
It
27:34
was
27:34
expected
27:35
to
27:35
just
27:36
con-
27:36
continue
27:37
doing
27:37
what
27:37
you're
27:37
doing
27:38
and
27:38
s-
27:38
Suck
27:38
it
27:39
up
27:39
that's
27:39
what
27:39
you're
27:39
supposed-
27:39
yeah,
27:39
exactly,
27:40
suck
27:40
it
27:40
up.
27:40
And
27:40
I
27:40
was
27:40
like,
27:41
"Mm."
27:41
And
27:41
you
27:41
know,
27:42
that
27:42
just
27:42
felt,
27:43
I
27:43
just,
27:44
it
27:44
felt
27:44
so
27:45
wrong
27:45
to
27:45
me,
27:46
but
27:46
on
27:46
top
27:46
of
27:46
that,
27:46
it
27:47
just
27:47
felt
27:47
like
27:48
being
27:48
told
27:48
how
27:49
to
27:49
live,
27:49
and
27:49
yeah,
27:49
it's
27:49
just
27:50
not
27:50
one
27:50
thing
27:51
that
27:51
I'm
27:51
okay
27:51
with
27:51
ever.
27:53
You
27:53
know?
27:53
It's
27:53
like
27:53
I
27:53
might
27:54
give
27:54
in
27:54
a
27:54
little
27:54
bit
27:54
because
27:55
maybe
27:55
I'm
27:55
a
27:55
little
27:55
confused,
27:56
but
27:56
still
27:57
no.
27:58
Yeah,
27:59
but
27:59
there's
27:59
a
27:59
breaking
27:59
point.
28:00
Yeah.
28:01
Right?
28:01
Like,
28:02
I
28:02
think
28:02
when
28:02
you,
28:03
when
28:04
you
28:04
feel
28:06
as
28:06
much
28:06
as
28:07
you
28:08
feel,
28:09
right,
28:09
like
28:09
we
28:09
talked
28:10
about,
28:10
you're
28:10
a,
28:12
you
28:12
have
28:13
kind
28:13
of
28:13
felt
28:13
like
28:14
you
28:14
identify
28:15
with
28:15
the
28:15
idea
28:15
of,
28:16
like,
28:16
highly
28:16
sensitive
28:17
person.
28:17
Like,
28:17
all
28:18
of
28:18
the
28:18
sensory
28:18
input,
28:19
all
28:19
of
28:19
the
28:19
emotions,
28:20
everything
28:20
has
28:21
always
28:21
felt
28:21
big.
28:22
Mm-hmm.
28:22
We
28:22
just
28:24
When
28:24
you're
28:24
in
28:25
that
28:25
place,
28:26
and
28:26
you've
28:26
constantly
28:27
been
28:27
told,
28:28
like,
28:28
"You're
28:28
too
28:28
much,"
28:28
or
28:29
like,
28:29
"Don't
28:29
feel
28:29
that,"
28:30
or,
28:30
"Don't
28:30
express
28:30
that,"
28:31
or,
28:31
"Don't
28:31
talk
28:31
about
28:32
that,"
28:32
or
28:32
whatever.
28:32
Like,
28:33
push
28:33
it
28:33
down,
28:33
push
28:33
it
28:33
down,
28:33
push
28:33
it-
28:33
Don't
28:34
have
28:34
boundaries
28:35
yeah.
28:36
Then
28:37
you
28:37
learn
28:39
and
28:39
you
28:39
normalize
28:40
abandoning
28:41
yourself.
28:41
Yeah.
28:41
You
28:41
learn
28:42
and
28:42
you
28:42
normalize,
28:43
like,
28:43
well,
28:43
I'm
28:43
built,
28:43
there,
28:44
there
28:44
I
28:44
go
28:44
being
28:44
too
28:45
much
28:45
again.
28:45
I'm
28:46
just,
28:46
I
28:46
better
28:46
stop
28:47
that-
28:47
Right
28:48
so
28:48
that
28:48
we
28:48
can
28:48
keep
28:49
the
28:49
peace,
28:49
we
28:49
can
28:50
keep
28:50
the
28:50
harmony,
28:50
we
28:50
can
28:51
keep
28:51
the
28:51
connection.
28:52
Mm-hmm,
28:52
mm-hmm.
28:52
And
28:52
it's
28:53
you
28:53
start
28:54
to
28:54
become
28:54
so
28:55
disconnected
28:56
from
28:56
yourself,
28:58
and
28:58
at
28:58
some
28:58
point
29:00
we
29:00
just
29:00
have,
29:00
like,
29:01
we
29:01
have
29:01
no
29:01
more
29:01
tolerance
29:02
for
29:02
it.
29:03
We've
29:03
taken
29:04
on
29:04
way
29:04
too
29:04
much.
29:05
Um,
29:07
or-
29:07
Yeah
29:07
sacrificed
29:08
way
29:08
too
29:08
much.
29:09
Yeah,
29:09
yeah.
29:09
Exactly.
29:09
One
29:10
way
29:10
or
29:10
another.
29:12
I
29:12
couldn't
29:12
do
29:12
it
29:12
anymore.
29:13
I
29:13
just
29:13
couldn't.
29:14
Like,
29:14
I
29:14
just-
29:14
Yeah
29:15
I
29:15
mean,
29:15
like
29:15
I
29:15
said,
29:16
I
29:16
just
29:16
then,
29:16
it,
29:16
then
29:16
it
29:16
became
29:17
instead
29:17
of
29:17
trying
29:17
to
29:17
understand
29:18
what
29:18
the
29:18
problem
29:19
was
29:19
and
29:19
ki-
29:19
it
29:20
just
29:20
became
29:20
about
29:20
being
29:21
honest,
29:21
that
29:22
this
29:22
is
29:22
just
29:22
not
29:23
working
29:23
for
29:23
me,
29:24
and
29:24
I
29:24
needed
29:25
to
29:25
be
29:25
honest
29:25
with
29:25
myself.
29:27
Exactly.
29:28
Mm.
29:29
She
29:29
agrees.
29:30
She
29:30
desperately
29:30
wants
29:31
to
29:31
be
29:31
part
29:31
of
29:31
this
29:31
conversation.
29:32
She
29:32
does.
29:32
She's
29:32
popped
29:33
in,
29:33
like,
29:33
four
29:33
times.
29:35
Luna,
29:35
you're
29:35
a
29:35
rebel
29:36
soul,
29:36
too.
29:37
Yes.
29:37
She's
29:37
an
29:38
honorary
29:38
rebel
29:38
soul.
29:39
Right.
29:40
Yeah
29:42
What
29:42
else
29:42
you
29:42
got
29:42
in
29:42
your
29:42
little
29:43
notebook,
29:43
Sloan?
29:45
Uh,
29:45
I
29:45
think
29:46
I'll
29:46
just
29:47
do
29:47
one
29:48
more,
29:49
which
29:49
is
29:50
the
29:50
big
29:50
thread
29:50
I
29:51
noticed
29:51
through
29:51
everything
29:52
that
29:52
you
29:52
were
29:52
saying
29:53
is,
29:53
um,
29:54
I
29:54
summed
29:55
it
29:55
up
29:55
in
29:56
do
29:56
it
29:56
scared.
29:58
Yeah
29:59
That
29:59
is
29:59
something
30:00
I
30:00
learned,
30:01
just
30:01
do,
30:01
do
30:01
it
30:01
scared.
30:03
Because
30:03
before
30:04
I
30:04
was
30:04
too
30:04
scared
30:04
to
30:04
do
30:05
it,
30:05
and
30:05
that
30:06
was,
30:06
then,
30:06
and
30:06
when
30:06
I
30:06
mean
30:07
it,
30:07
I
30:07
mean,
30:07
I
30:07
mean
30:08
everything.
30:09
Not
30:09
just
30:10
this
30:10
one
30:10
thing.
30:10
All
30:11
the
30:11
things.
30:11
Right.
30:12
It
30:12
was
30:12
everything.
30:12
All
30:12
the
30:12
things.
30:13
Yeah.
30:13
And
30:13
now
30:14
it's
30:14
just
30:14
do
30:14
it
30:14
all,
30:15
and
30:15
do
30:15
it
30:15
scared,
30:16
and
30:17
it's
30:17
okay,
30:18
you
30:18
know?
30:19
Well-
30:20
And
30:20
it
30:20
i-
30:20
it
30:20
is.
30:20
It,
30:21
doing
30:21
this
30:21
is
30:21
scary.
30:22
Reading
30:22
that
30:23
was
30:23
scary.
30:23
Telling
30:23
my
30:24
story
30:24
was
30:24
scary,
30:24
but
30:25
do
30:25
it
30:26
anyway.
30:27
Well,
30:27
but
30:27
you
30:28
did
30:28
that
30:28
with
30:28
us.
30:29
Yeah.
30:29
Which
30:29
is
30:29
what
30:30
I
30:30
was
30:30
gonna
30:30
say.
30:30
It's
30:31
like
30:32
in
30:32
the,
30:32
in
30:32
that
30:32
moment,
30:34
in
30:34
like
30:34
the,
30:34
those
30:35
catalyst
30:36
moments
30:36
that
30:36
we
30:36
have,
30:37
right?
30:37
Like,
30:37
the
30:37
sort
30:37
of
30:38
the
30:38
catalyst
30:39
for,
30:39
like,
30:40
the
30:40
awakening
30:41
or
30:41
whatever
30:41
you
30:41
wanna
30:41
call
30:42
it,
30:42
right?
30:42
Yeah.
30:43
It's
30:44
you
30:44
felt
30:44
the
30:44
need
30:46
to
30:46
pull
30:46
away
30:46
from
30:47
everybody
30:47
else
30:48
because
30:48
you
30:48
needed
30:48
silence
30:49
to
30:49
be
30:49
able
30:49
to
30:49
hear
30:50
yourself.
30:51
I
30:51
also
30:52
think
30:53
that
30:53
it's,
30:55
or
30:55
at
30:55
least
30:55
this
30:55
is
30:55
how
30:56
it
30:56
felt
30:57
for
30:57
me,
30:58
this
30:58
isn't
30:58
about
30:58
me,
30:59
but
30:59
I'm
30:59
gonna
30:59
relate
31:00
it
31:00
to
31:00
what
31:00
I
31:00
think
31:01
as
31:01
how
31:01
it
31:01
felt
31:01
for
31:02
you.
31:02
I
31:02
didn't
31:02
feel
31:03
like
31:03
I
31:03
had
31:03
anyone
31:03
who
31:04
could
31:04
hold
31:05
that.
31:06
So
31:07
when
31:07
I-
31:07
Right
31:07
didn't
31:07
have
31:08
any
31:08
options,
31:09
my
31:09
only
31:10
option
31:10
was
31:11
me.
31:11
Yep.
31:12
Because
31:12
I
31:12
was
31:12
the
31:12
only
31:13
person
31:13
who
31:13
was
31:13
going
31:14
to,
31:14
like,
31:14
kind
31:14
of
31:15
affirm
31:15
that
31:15
I
31:15
was
31:16
on
31:16
the
31:16
right
31:16
track,
31:16
even
31:17
in
31:17
the
31:17
midst
31:18
of
31:18
doubt
31:19
or
31:19
guilt
31:20
or
31:20
all
31:20
the
31:20
other
31:21
feelings
31:21
that
31:21
you're
31:21
feeling
31:22
during
31:22
those,
31:22
like,
31:23
big
31:23
transitional
31:24
moments.
31:25
And
31:26
that
31:26
is
31:26
another
31:27
thing
31:27
that,
31:27
like,
31:28
that's
31:28
another
31:29
reason
31:29
that
31:29
all
31:29
of
31:29
this
31:30
stuff
31:30
feels
31:31
so
31:31
important,
31:32
because
31:33
if
31:33
another
31:34
moment
31:34
like
31:34
that
31:34
came
31:35
up
31:35
again,
31:36
I
31:36
would
31:36
absolutely
31:37
not
31:38
pull
31:38
away
31:38
or
31:38
isolate
31:39
because
31:39
now-
31:40
Right
31:40
I've
31:40
got
31:41
people.
31:42
Right.
31:42
Yeah.
31:42
I've,
31:42
I've
31:43
found
31:43
the
31:43
right
31:44
people
31:44
for
31:45
it,
31:46
right?
31:46
Exactly.
31:47
Yeah.
31:48
I
31:49
mean,
31:50
when
31:50
I
31:50
was
31:50
going
31:50
through
31:51
it,
31:51
I
31:51
mean,
31:51
it's
31:52
not
31:52
even
31:52
just
31:52
when
31:52
I
31:52
was
31:52
going
31:53
through
31:53
this,
31:53
that
31:53
my
31:53
whole
31:54
life
31:54
I
31:54
could
31:54
only
31:55
depend
31:55
on
31:55
me.
31:57
Yeah.
31:57
Right?
31:57
Like,
31:57
everyone
31:58
else
31:58
could,
31:58
everyone
31:58
else
31:59
could
31:59
depend
31:59
on
31:59
me,
31:59
but
32:00
I
32:00
only
32:00
had
32:00
me
32:00
to
32:00
depend
32:01
on.
32:02
Oof.
32:03
So
32:04
I
32:04
had
32:05
to
32:05
just
32:05
do
32:05
it
32:05
alone.
32:07
Yeah
32:07
until
32:09
The
32:09
universe
32:09
gifted
32:10
me
32:10
these
32:10
wonderful
32:11
friendships
32:11
that
32:11
I
32:11
can
32:12
be
32:12
myself
32:13
and
32:13
I
32:13
can
32:13
ask,
32:14
and
32:14
I
32:14
can
32:14
ask
32:15
for
32:16
help
32:16
or
32:16
just
32:16
say
32:17
what
32:18
I'm
32:18
feeling
32:18
and
32:18
we
32:18
can
32:18
discuss
32:19
it
32:19
where,
32:20
not
32:20
to
32:20
say
32:21
that
32:21
it's
32:21
not
32:21
a
32:22
little
32:22
uncomfortable
32:22
still,
32:24
'cause
32:24
it
32:24
is,
32:25
but
32:26
But
32:26
I
32:26
just
32:26
feel
32:27
safe
32:27
in
32:27
doing
32:28
so.
32:29
But
32:29
hard
32:30
things
32:30
are
32:30
easier
32:31
with
32:31
the
32:31
right
32:31
people.
32:32
Absolutely.
32:33
Right?
32:33
Like,
32:33
it's
32:33
even-
32:34
Absolutely
32:34
it's
32:35
even
32:35
just
32:35
the
32:35
idea
32:35
that,
32:36
like,
32:36
you
32:36
know
32:38
even
32:38
if
32:38
it's
32:38
hard,
32:39
even
32:39
if
32:39
it's
32:39
uncomfortable,
32:40
you
32:40
at
32:41
the,
32:41
at
32:41
a
32:41
bare
32:42
minimum
32:44
know
32:44
you're
32:44
not
32:44
gonna
32:44
be
32:45
met
32:45
with
32:45
judgment.
32:47
Or
32:48
you're
32:48
crazy.
32:49
Yeah,
32:49
yeah.
32:49
Or
32:49
you're,
32:49
yeah.
32:49
Or
32:50
dismissal.
32:50
Well,
32:50
I
32:50
mean,
32:50
judgment.
32:51
Exactly,
32:51
yeah.
32:51
Yeah.
32:52
Like.
32:52
It's,
32:53
it's
32:54
being
32:54
able
32:54
to
32:54
kind
32:55
of,
32:55
like,
32:56
to
32:56
know
32:57
that
32:57
you
32:57
have,
32:57
like,
32:57
a
32:57
s-
32:58
a,
32:59
a
32:59
safe
32:59
space
33:00
to
33:00
land,
33:01
right?
33:01
It's
33:01
just-
33:01
Well,
33:01
'cause
33:01
you're
33:01
met
33:01
with
33:02
curiosity
33:02
instead
33:03
of
33:03
judgment.
33:03
Yes.
33:03
Right?
33:04
'Cause
33:04
it's,
33:04
I
33:04
feel
33:04
like
33:05
that's,
33:05
like,
33:05
the
33:05
big
33:06
thing.
33:06
Yeah.
33:06
Like,
33:07
people
33:07
are
33:08
s-
33:08
so
33:08
quick
33:08
to
33:09
tell
33:09
you,
33:10
like,
33:10
they
33:10
have
33:10
the
33:10
answer
33:11
for
33:11
whatever
33:11
it
33:12
is
33:12
when
33:13
they
33:13
don't.
33:14
We
33:14
don't,
33:15
you
33:15
know?
33:15
Like,
33:16
it's
33:16
just,
33:16
like,
33:16
ask
33:17
questions,
33:17
right?
33:18
'Cause
33:18
then
33:18
if
33:18
you
33:18
get
33:18
to
33:18
know
33:18
what
33:19
it
33:19
is
33:19
deeper,
33:19
you
33:19
might
33:20
be
33:20
able
33:20
to
33:20
give
33:20
advice,
33:21
better
33:21
advice,
33:22
based
33:22
on
33:22
having
33:23
information.
33:23
But
33:23
when
33:23
you
33:24
have
33:24
no
33:24
information,
33:25
you
33:25
can't,
33:26
you
33:26
can't
33:26
tell
33:26
someone
33:27
else
33:27
what
33:27
to
33:27
do.
33:28
Right.
33:29
Or
33:29
how
33:29
to
33:29
feel.
33:30
Right.
33:31
I,
33:32
I
33:32
also
33:32
think
33:34
that,
33:34
like,
33:35
the
33:35
difference
33:36
of
33:36
where
33:37
we
33:37
are
33:37
now
33:37
in
33:37
our
33:38
lives
33:38
and
33:38
the
33:38
reason
33:39
that
33:39
we
33:40
can
33:40
kind
33:40
of
33:40
create
33:40
that
33:40
space
33:41
for
33:41
each
33:41
other
33:41
is
33:43
I
33:43
know
33:43
now
33:44
that
33:44
you
33:44
trust
33:45
you.
33:46
Mm.
33:47
And,
33:47
and,
33:48
and
33:48
as
33:48
a
33:48
result,
33:49
I
33:49
trust
33:50
that
33:50
you
33:51
know
33:51
what's
33:52
best
33:52
for
33:52
you,
33:52
or
33:53
I
33:53
trust
33:53
that
33:53
you-
33:54
Right
33:54
know
33:54
what
33:55
you
33:55
need,
33:55
right?
33:56
I'm
33:56
just
33:56
willing
33:56
to
33:57
hold
33:57
space
33:57
for
33:57
it.
33:58
Yeah.
33:58
And
33:59
there's
33:59
actually
33:59
no
33:59
pressure-
34:01
Right
34:01
to
34:01
solve
34:01
it
34:01
or
34:02
to
34:02
do
34:02
anything.
34:02
It's
34:03
just,
34:04
it's
34:04
just
34:04
space.
34:05
That's
34:05
all
34:05
it
34:06
is.
34:06
Because
34:07
through
34:08
all
34:08
of
34:08
these
34:08
things
34:09
we've
34:09
kind
34:09
of
34:09
learned
34:10
to
34:10
trust
34:10
ourselves,
34:11
and
34:11
therefore
34:13
we
34:13
trust
34:13
each
34:14
other,
34:14
right?
34:15
Like,
34:15
does
34:15
that
34:15
make
34:15
sense?
34:16
Yeah.
34:16
I
34:16
don't
34:16
know
34:16
if
34:16
I-
34:16
Yeah,
34:17
no.
34:17
I
34:17
feel
34:18
like
34:18
if
34:18
we
34:18
have
34:18
something
34:19
to,
34:19
like,
34:20
one
34:20
of
34:20
us
34:20
is
34:20
going
34:20
through
34:21
something
34:21
that-
34:22
We're
34:22
able
34:23
to
34:23
be
34:23
curious
34:23
enough
34:24
to
34:24
ask
34:24
questions
34:24
to
34:25
help
34:26
the
34:26
person
34:27
come
34:28
to
34:29
whatever
34:29
decision,
34:30
if
34:30
there
34:30
is
34:30
a
34:30
res-
34:31
a,
34:31
a
34:31
decision
34:31
required,
34:33
to
34:33
come
34:34
to
34:34
whatever
34:34
conclusion
34:35
they
34:35
need
34:35
to
34:35
come
34:35
to,
34:36
right?
34:36
Like,
34:36
that's
34:36
the
34:36
help.
34:37
Instead
34:37
of
34:37
telling
34:37
them,
34:38
"Oh,
34:38
you
34:38
should
34:38
do
34:38
this,"
34:39
it's
34:40
more
34:40
of,
34:40
like,
34:40
asking
34:41
the
34:41
questions
34:41
that
34:41
can
34:41
help
34:42
them
34:42
get
34:42
there.
34:43
Yeah.
34:43
And
34:43
essentially
34:44
coaching,
34:44
right?
34:45
Absolutely,
34:46
yeah.
34:47
And
34:47
so-
34:47
But
34:47
it's
34:47
not,
34:47
I
34:47
mean,
34:48
that's
34:48
not
34:48
what
34:48
we're
34:48
intending
34:49
to
34:49
do
34:49
in
34:49
the
34:49
moment
34:49
is
34:49
coaching,
34:50
but
34:50
it's
34:50
just,
34:50
it's
34:51
just
34:51
natural
34:51
to,
34:52
or,
34:52
I
34:52
mean,
34:52
not
34:52
for
34:53
everyone,
34:53
but,
34:53
um,
34:55
just
34:55
get
34:55
curious.
34:57
So
34:58
I
34:58
wanna
34:58
say,
34:59
as
35:00
we,
35:00
like,
35:00
kind
35:00
of
35:01
f-
35:01
wrap
35:02
this
35:02
conversation
35:03
up.
35:04
Mm-hmm.
35:04
I
35:04
wanna
35:05
say
35:05
that
35:05
I
35:05
think
35:05
it's
35:05
so
35:06
interesting
35:08
that
35:08
your
35:10
trusting
35:10
of
35:11
yourself
35:11
and
35:11
your
35:12
following
35:12
your
35:12
intuition
35:14
feels
35:14
so
35:14
recent
35:15
for
35:15
you,
35:16
because
35:17
that's
35:18
one
35:18
of
35:18
the
35:18
things
35:19
that
35:19
drew
35:20
me
35:20
to
35:20
you
35:20
the
35:20
most.
35:21
Mm.
35:22
And
35:22
I
35:23
think
35:23
that's
35:24
what
35:24
I
35:24
find
35:25
very,
35:26
um-
35:27
Like
35:27
that
35:28
inspires
35:29
me
35:30
to
35:30
trust
35:31
myself
35:31
more
35:31
because
35:32
I
35:32
feel
35:32
like
35:32
you
35:32
are
35:32
s-
35:33
you
35:33
are
35:33
such
35:34
an
35:34
intuitive
35:34
person.
35:36
Like
35:36
you,
35:36
you
35:36
strike
35:37
me
35:37
as
35:37
like
35:38
probably
35:39
one
35:39
of
35:40
the
35:40
most
35:40
intuitive
35:40
people
35:41
I
35:41
know.
35:42
Um,
35:43
and
35:43
I
35:44
know
35:44
you've
35:44
worked
35:45
on
35:45
that
35:45
a
35:45
lot,
35:46
but
35:46
like
35:46
by
35:46
the
35:46
time
35:48
our
35:48
paths
35:48
crossed,
35:49
I
35:49
was
35:49
like,
35:51
"Damn,
35:51
she's
35:51
tapped
35:52
in."
35:52
And
35:53
that
35:53
to
35:53
me,
35:53
like
35:54
that
35:55
is
35:56
where
35:56
I
35:56
feel
35:57
like-
35:58
That's
35:58
where
35:58
I
35:58
feel
35:59
like
35:59
you,
36:00
um...
36:02
I
36:02
don't
36:03
know.
36:03
I
36:03
don't
36:03
wanna
36:03
say,
36:04
like...
36:05
I
36:05
don't
36:06
know.
36:06
I'm,
36:06
mm...
36:07
Look
36:07
out.
36:08
I've-
36:08
I
36:08
don't
36:08
have
36:09
words.
36:10
Oh,
36:10
that's
36:11
a
36:11
first.
36:12
Doesn't
36:12
hap-
36:12
doesn't
36:12
happen
36:12
often,
36:13
but
36:13
I
36:13
don't
36:13
have
36:13
words.
36:15
That's
36:15
a
36:15
first
36:15
time.
36:15
But
36:15
I
36:15
feel
36:15
like
36:15
that's...
36:16
I
36:16
feel
36:16
like
36:16
your,
36:17
like,
36:17
your
36:17
heal-
36:18
your
36:18
more
36:19
healed
36:19
self,
36:20
I
36:20
won't
36:20
say
36:20
it's
36:21
not
36:21
over,
36:21
but-
36:22
It's
36:22
not
36:22
over
36:22
your
36:22
more
36:22
healed
36:23
self,
36:23
your
36:23
intuitive
36:24
self,
36:24
the
36:24
way
36:25
that
36:25
you,
36:25
like,
36:25
trust
36:25
and,
36:26
and
36:26
are
36:26
connected
36:27
to
36:27
yourself,
36:28
and
36:28
your
36:28
authenticity
36:30
is
36:30
what,
36:32
like,
36:32
kind
36:32
of
36:32
inspires
36:34
me.
36:35
Aw.
36:36
Because
36:36
that's-
36:36
Thank
36:36
you
36:37
that's
36:37
hard
36:38
for
36:38
me.
36:39
Yeah.
36:39
Um,
36:41
so
36:41
that's
36:41
where
36:42
I
36:42
feel
36:42
like
36:42
you
36:43
just
36:43
thinking
36:44
about,
36:44
like,
36:45
your...
36:47
This
36:47
dynamic
36:48
that
36:48
the,
36:48
that
36:49
the
36:49
three
36:49
of
36:49
us
36:49
have,
36:50
and
36:50
your
36:50
kind
36:50
of
36:51
the
36:51
part
36:51
you
36:52
play
36:52
in
36:52
it,
36:52
that's
36:52
what
36:53
it
36:53
f-
36:53
that's
36:53
what
36:54
feels
36:54
so
36:56
beautiful
36:56
to
36:56
me-
36:58
Mm
36:58
about
36:58
your
36:59
soul.
37:00
Thank
37:00
you.
37:00
I
37:00
love
37:01
that.
37:01
Thank
37:01
you.
37:01
Yeah.
37:02
And
37:02
for
37:02
me,
37:02
I
37:03
would...
37:04
I'll
37:04
pick
37:04
up
37:04
where
37:05
she
37:05
left
37:05
off,
37:06
or
37:06
Erica
37:06
left
37:06
off
37:07
at
37:07
the,
37:07
um,
37:08
authenticity,
37:10
and
37:11
all
37:11
of
37:12
the
37:12
things
37:13
that
37:13
people
37:13
say
37:14
are
37:14
too
37:14
much.
37:15
Mm.
37:16
It's
37:16
too
37:16
much.
37:17
It's
37:17
too
37:17
much.
37:17
Yeah.
37:18
I
37:18
love...
37:19
Those
37:19
are
37:19
my
37:19
favorite
37:20
things
37:20
about
37:20
you.
37:21
I
37:21
love
37:21
it.
37:21
Like,
37:21
seriously,
37:22
because,
37:24
you
37:24
know,
37:24
I
37:24
think
37:24
we've
37:25
all
37:26
heard
37:26
that-
37:28
Yep
37:29
frequently.
37:31
Uh,
37:32
the
37:32
fiery,
37:33
um,
37:33
emotional
37:34
pieces
37:34
of
37:34
us,
37:35
and
37:36
I
37:36
know...
37:36
I
37:36
mean,
37:37
I
37:37
know
37:37
I
37:37
have.
37:38
So-
37:39
Yeah
37:39
and
37:40
similar
37:41
to
37:42
that's
37:42
what
37:42
would've
37:42
driven
37:43
me
37:43
crazy
37:43
before.
37:45
Yes.
37:45
Right.
37:46
Right.
37:46
Is
37:47
why
37:48
I
37:48
love
37:48
you
37:48
so
37:48
much
37:49
now.
37:50
Right.
37:50
Because
37:50
now
37:51
it's
37:51
like,
37:52
yes,
37:53
be
37:54
loud,
37:54
be
37:55
passionate,
37:56
be
37:56
emotional,
37:57
feel
37:58
all
37:58
the
37:58
feelings,
37:59
express
37:59
all
38:00
the
38:00
feelings,
38:01
say
38:01
the
38:01
fucking
38:02
thing,
38:03
do
38:03
the
38:03
fucking
38:04
thing.
38:05
Love
38:06
all
38:06
of
38:06
that.
38:08
Is
38:08
it-
38:08
Thank
38:08
you
38:08
so
38:09
is
38:09
it
38:09
for
38:09
you...
38:09
Because
38:10
I'm-
38:10
I
38:11
agree
38:11
with
38:11
that
38:12
sentiment.
38:12
Is
38:12
it
38:13
for
38:13
you
38:13
that
38:13
it
38:13
would've
38:14
driven
38:14
you
38:14
crazy
38:15
with,
38:15
like,
38:16
envy?
38:17
Oh,
38:17
yeah.
38:18
Because
38:19
your
38:20
outer
38:21
dialogue,
38:21
Adriana,
38:22
matches
38:23
my
38:24
inner
38:25
dialogue.
38:26
But
38:28
those
38:28
are
38:28
the
38:28
things
38:30
that
38:31
don't
38:31
c-
38:31
that
38:31
don't
38:32
come
38:32
out.
38:32
Right.
38:33
And
38:33
that's
38:33
where
38:33
I
38:33
f-
38:33
that's
38:34
why
38:34
I
38:34
feel
38:34
like
38:35
it's
38:35
kind
38:35
of,
38:36
it's
38:36
inspirational
38:37
to
38:37
me
38:37
because
38:37
it's
38:38
permission.
38:39
Right.
38:39
It's
38:40
permission
38:40
for,
38:40
like,
38:41
the
38:41
inner
38:41
dialogue
38:42
to
38:42
become
38:42
the
38:42
outer
38:43
dia-
38:43
to
38:43
set
38:43
the
38:44
boundaries,
38:44
to
38:44
say
38:44
the
38:45
thing,
38:45
to
38:45
let
38:46
my
38:46
fire
38:47
come
38:47
out.
38:47
Mm-hmm.
38:49
Um,
38:50
that's
38:50
definitely
38:51
what
38:51
it
38:51
is
38:51
for
38:52
me,
38:52
too.
38:52
Thank
38:52
you
38:52
for
38:53
the
38:53
words.
38:55
Nice.
38:56
Stacy
38:56
comes
38:56
through.
38:57
Gemini
38:57
rising.
38:59
Yeah,
38:59
no,
38:59
I
39:00
thank
39:00
you.
39:00
I,
39:00
I
39:00
love
39:01
you
39:01
guys,
39:01
um,
39:02
for
39:02
saying
39:03
that,
39:03
and,
39:04
um
39:05
For
39:05
everyone
39:06
out
39:06
there
39:06
listening,
39:07
this
39:07
is
39:07
why
39:08
you
39:08
have
39:08
to
39:08
find
39:08
your
39:08
people.
39:09
Mm-hmm.
39:10
Mm.
39:11
It's
39:11
exactly
39:11
why
39:11
you
39:11
have
39:12
to
39:12
find
39:12
your
39:12
people,
39:12
because
39:13
you,
39:14
you
39:14
can
39:15
be
39:15
who
39:15
you
39:15
are,
39:15
and
39:16
you're,
39:16
and
39:16
you're
39:16
accepted.
39:17
And
39:18
not
39:18
only
39:18
It's
39:19
not
39:19
just
39:19
even
39:19
being
39:20
accepted.
39:20
I
39:20
love
39:21
that,
39:21
that
39:22
you
39:23
love
39:24
those
39:24
parts
39:24
of
39:25
me.
39:25
It's
39:25
not
39:26
acceptance
39:26
or
39:27
tolerance,
39:27
it's
39:28
celebration.
39:29
Yeah.
39:29
Exactly.
39:29
Yeah.
39:30
Yeah.
39:30
And
39:30
I,
39:30
and
39:31
I
39:31
love
39:31
that,
39:31
so
39:33
yeah.
39:33
That's
39:33
why
39:33
we're
39:33
the
39:33
three
39:33
of
39:34
cups,
39:34
because
39:34
we're
39:35
always
39:35
celebrating.
39:35
That's
39:36
right.
39:37
Yeah.
39:38
It's
39:38
funny
39:39
'cause
39:39
I
39:39
It's
39:39
funny
39:40
'cause
39:40
people
39:40
have
39:40
told
39:40
me
39:41
that
39:41
before.
39:41
They're
39:41
like,
39:41
"Damn,
39:42
Adriana,
39:42
you
39:42
say
39:42
exactly
39:43
what
39:43
I'm
39:43
thinking
39:43
but
39:43
won't
39:44
say."
39:44
And
39:44
I'm
39:44
like,
39:45
"Oh,
39:45
okay."
39:46
But
39:46
I'm
39:46
like,
39:46
"I
39:46
can't
39:46
help
39:46
myself."
39:48
Why
39:48
should
39:48
you?
39:48
I
39:48
don't
39:49
know
39:49
how.
39:49
And
39:49
again,
39:50
like,
39:50
for,
39:50
I
39:50
think
39:51
for
39:51
other
39:51
people
39:52
or
39:52
for,
39:52
like,
39:52
you
39:53
know,
39:54
six
39:54
years
39:54
ago
39:55
me,
39:55
I
39:55
would've
39:56
been
39:56
triggered
39:56
as
39:56
fuck.
39:58
And
39:58
be
39:58
like,
39:58
"Damn,
39:59
who
39:59
does
40:00
this
40:00
bitch
40:00
think
40:00
she
40:00
is
40:01
just
40:01
saying-
40:01
Right
40:02
saying
40:02
the
40:03
quiet
40:03
things
40:03
out
40:04
loud?"
40:04
And
40:04
now
40:04
I'm
40:04
like,
40:06
Agreed.
40:07
I,
40:07
I
40:07
agree.
40:08
Yeah,
40:08
girl.
40:08
I
40:08
feel
40:08
the
40:08
s-
40:08
Yeah.
40:09
No.
40:09
But
40:09
I,
40:09
I,
40:09
I
40:10
feel
40:10
the
40:10
same
40:10
way.
40:10
Like,
40:11
I
40:11
think
40:11
those,
40:11
those
40:11
are
40:11
the
40:12
things
40:12
that
40:12
when
40:13
we
40:13
talked
40:13
about
40:13
in
40:13
our
40:14
other
40:14
episode
40:14
about
40:15
the
40:15
things
40:16
that
40:16
maybe
40:16
we
40:16
wouldn't
40:16
have
40:17
liked
40:17
about
40:17
each
40:17
other.
40:17
That's
40:18
why
40:18
for
40:18
me
40:18
it
40:18
was
40:18
like
40:19
that
40:19
too,
40:19
was
40:19
like,
40:20
it's
40:20
not
40:20
because
40:21
I
40:21
don't
40:21
like
40:21
that
40:21
about
40:21
you,
40:21
it's
40:22
because
40:22
it's
40:22
envy.
40:24
Yeah.
40:24
Exactly.
40:25
The
40:25
fact
40:25
that
40:26
I
40:26
can't
40:26
stop
40:27
to
40:27
think,
40:28
because
40:28
everything
40:28
just
40:29
comes
40:29
right
40:29
out
40:29
of
40:30
my
40:30
mouth
40:30
and
40:30
I
40:30
don't
40:30
have
40:31
a
40:31
filter.
40:32
You
40:32
know,
40:32
it's
40:32
like,
40:32
damn,
40:33
that
40:33
bitch.
40:33
Or,
40:33
like,
40:34
having
40:34
the
40:34
right
40:34
words
40:34
or
40:35
articulating
40:35
everything
40:36
so
40:36
nicely,
40:36
and
40:36
I'm
40:36
like,
40:37
"Fuck
40:37
her."
40:38
I'm
40:38
like,
40:38
"I
40:38
can't
40:38
fucking
40:39
find
40:39
any
40:39
words,
40:39
and
40:39
I
40:40
can't
40:40
fucking
40:41
figure
40:41
out
40:41
how
40:41
to
40:42
say
40:42
it."
40:43
So
40:44
it's
40:44
just
40:44
such
40:45
a
40:45
great
40:45
combination,
40:45
'cause
40:46
we
40:46
learn
40:46
from
40:47
each
40:47
other
40:47
and,
40:48
um-
40:49
And
40:49
we
40:49
give
40:50
each
40:50
other
40:50
permission.
40:51
Yeah.
40:51
Yeah.
40:52
And,
40:54
and
40:54
I
40:54
hope
40:55
that
40:55
it's
40:55
doing
40:55
the
40:56
same
40:56
thing
40:56
for
40:56
everyone
40:57
that's
40:57
listening
40:57
because-
40:58
Yeah
40:58
I
40:58
know
40:58
for
40:58
me
40:58
it's
40:59
really
40:59
my
40:59
intention
41:00
that
41:00
in
41:00
sharing
41:01
everything
41:01
and
41:01
just
41:01
being
41:02
open
41:03
about
41:03
everything
41:04
is
41:04
that
41:05
it
41:05
gives
41:05
other
41:05
people
41:06
permission.
41:06
'Cause
41:06
I,
41:06
I
41:07
guess
41:07
in
41:07
a
41:07
sense
41:08
when
41:08
I
41:08
was
41:08
younger
41:08
I,
41:09
I
41:09
kinda
41:10
needed
41:10
that,
41:10
and
41:10
I
41:10
couldn't
41:11
give
41:11
it
41:11
to
41:11
myself.
41:12
Yeah.
41:12
But
41:12
sometimes
41:12
when
41:13
somebody
41:13
else
41:13
gives
41:13
it
41:14
to
41:14
you,
41:14
it's
41:15
helpful.
41:16
Yeah.
41:16
Like,
41:16
yes,
41:16
we
41:16
always
41:17
say,
41:17
like,
41:17
you
41:17
should
41:17
give
41:18
yourself
41:18
permission.
41:18
Yes,
41:19
but
41:20
sometimes
41:20
we
41:20
just
41:20
need
41:21
somebody
41:21
else
41:21
to
41:21
give
41:21
it
41:21
to
41:22
us
41:22
so
41:22
that
41:22
we
41:22
can
41:22
just
41:24
go
41:24
ahead
41:24
and
41:24
do
41:24
whatever
41:25
the
41:25
thing
41:25
is.
41:26
Well,
41:26
yeah.
41:26
I
41:26
mean-
41:26
Not
41:26
that
41:27
we
41:27
should
41:27
go
41:27
looking
41:27
for
41:28
it,
41:28
but
41:28
I'm
41:28
just
41:28
saying.
41:30
Well,
41:31
I
41:31
think,
41:32
again,
41:33
it's
41:33
not
41:33
See,
41:34
I
41:34
take
41:34
the
41:34
p-
41:36
permission,
41:36
like
41:37
the
41:37
permission
41:37
or
41:38
the,
41:38
the
41:39
permission
41:39
is
41:39
just
41:41
you
41:43
moving
41:43
through
41:43
the
41:43
world
41:44
the
41:44
way
41:44
you
41:44
do
41:44
and
41:44
me
41:44
watching.
41:46
Mm.
41:46
And
41:46
saying
41:46
like,
41:47
instead
41:48
of
41:48
Like,
41:49
it's,
41:49
it's
41:49
a
41:49
conscious
41:50
choice
41:50
now.
41:50
Instead
41:51
of
41:51
choosing
41:52
envy,
41:52
I'm
41:53
like,
41:53
damn.
41:54
Right
41:55
that's,
41:55
it's
41:55
inspiring,
41:56
right?
41:56
So
41:57
it's-
41:57
Yeah,
41:57
it's
41:57
liberation
41:57
it's
41:57
not
41:57
a
41:57
choice,
41:58
but
41:58
it
41:58
comes
41:59
from,
41:59
like,
41:59
a
41:59
lot
42:00
of
42:00
our
42:00
own
42:01
inner
42:01
work
42:01
as
42:02
well.
42:02
Yeah.
42:03
It's
42:03
just
42:03
that,
42:03
like,
42:04
you
42:04
needed
42:05
the
42:05
permission
42:05
slip
42:05
bec-
42:06
but
42:06
everybody
42:06
was
42:07
too
42:07
busy
42:07
telling
42:07
you
42:07
that
42:08
you
42:08
were
42:08
too
42:08
much.
42:09
Right.
42:10
Right?
42:10
Like,
42:11
you
42:11
are
42:11
the
42:11
most.
42:13
Yeah,
42:13
'cause
42:13
it
42:13
made
42:13
them
42:13
uncomfortable.
42:13
And
42:13
I
42:14
wouldn't
42:14
have
42:14
it
42:14
any
42:15
other
42:15
way.
42:15
Yeah.
42:17
Yeah.
42:18
Give
42:18
me
42:18
all
42:18
of
42:18
it.
42:19
I
42:19
lo-
42:19
I
42:19
just...
42:20
Let's
42:20
go.
42:21
Be
42:21
careful
42:22
what
42:22
you
42:22
wish
42:22
for.
42:24
You
42:24
want
42:24
more
42:24
fire?
42:26
Always.
42:26
You're
42:26
a
42:26
Leo
42:27
rising.
42:27
I
42:27
think
42:27
I
42:27
can.
42:27
You
42:27
can
42:27
handle
42:27
it.
42:28
Yeah.
42:28
Exactly.
42:29
That's
42:29
what...
42:29
But
42:30
that's
42:30
what
42:30
I
42:30
mean,
42:30
and
42:31
that's,
42:31
I
42:31
think,
42:31
why
42:31
it's
42:31
so,
42:32
like,
42:33
why
42:33
I
42:33
feel
42:34
that,
42:34
like,
42:35
that
42:35
pull.
42:36
Because
42:36
that's
42:36
what
42:36
I'm
42:37
moving
42:37
towards,
42:38
right?
42:38
Yes.
42:38
Like,
42:38
that's
42:39
where
42:39
my
42:39
healing
42:39
is.
42:40
I'm
42:40
a
42:40
Leo
42:40
rising.
42:41
Yeah.
42:41
So
42:42
it's
42:42
getting
42:43
into
42:43
my,
42:44
getting
42:44
into
42:44
my
42:44
fire,
42:45
or
42:45
figuring
42:46
out
42:46
how
42:46
to
42:46
use
42:46
my
42:47
fire-
42:48
Right
42:49
in
42:50
a
42:50
way
42:50
that
42:50
doesn't
42:50
feel
42:51
destructive,
42:52
but
42:52
that
42:52
feels
42:54
constructive
42:54
or
42:55
reconstructive.
42:56
That's
42:57
a
42:57
whole
42:57
nother
42:57
episode.
42:58
Yeah?
42:59
Is
42:59
that
42:59
right?
43:00
Well,
43:00
thank
43:00
you,
43:01
guys.
43:01
Thank
43:01
you
43:01
so
43:01
much
43:01
for
43:01
sharing.
43:02
Oh,
43:02
thank
43:03
you-
43:03
Yes
43:03
for
43:03
listening.
43:04
This
43:04
was,
43:05
this
43:05
was
43:05
really
43:05
fun.
43:05
I'm
43:06
glad
43:06
that,
43:06
that,
43:07
um,
43:08
I
43:08
shared
43:08
everything.
43:09
You
43:09
did
43:09
it.
43:09
It
43:09
feels
43:09
good.
43:09
Did
43:09
it
43:10
anyway.
43:11
Exactly.
43:11
You
43:11
were
43:11
scared
43:12
and
43:12
did
43:12
it
43:12
anyway.
43:13
I
43:13
did
43:13
it
43:13
anyway.
43:14
You
43:14
did
43:14
it
43:14
scared.
43:14
Yes.
43:15
Thank
43:15
you.
43:16
Okay,
43:16
love
43:17
you,
43:17
bye.