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How to Prevent Girls From Burnout Due to Their Activities · Raising Daughters

0:02
Speaker 1: Welcome back friends, Doctor Tim Jordan here, and I'm going
0:06
Speaker 1: to be talking today about a really, really important topic.
0:11
Speaker 1: And the reason it's on my mind is for several reasons.
0:14
Speaker 1: Number One, we're approaching the end of the year, we're
0:18
Speaker 1: starting a new year, and I've been hearing so much
0:21
Speaker 1: of late from kids in my weekend retreats with middle schoolers,
0:28
Speaker 1: high schoolers, and my counseling practice. So many kids who
0:31
Speaker 1: are burned out, burned out with their activities, burnt out
0:36
Speaker 1: with their sports. So I want to talk today about
0:40
Speaker 1: how to prevent your daughters from becoming burned out due
0:43
Speaker 1: to all the things that they're doing. Several months ago,
0:46
Speaker 1: I did one of these podcasts about how busy kids are,
0:49
Speaker 1: but I want to focus on the burnout part today.
0:53
Speaker 1: I think back to my childhood. I bet this is
0:55
Speaker 1: true for you too, even though I'm older than probably
0:57
Speaker 1: some of you have four and a half grandkids fifth
1:02
Speaker 1: ones on the way. But I think it was true
1:05
Speaker 1: for you like it was for me, in that when
1:07
Speaker 1: I was growing up, there were no select club sports.
1:11
Speaker 1: When I was on a team, we typically would practiced
1:13
Speaker 1: once a week, maybe have a game on the weekends.
1:18
Speaker 1: Very seldom. I don't know if I ever remember going
1:20
Speaker 1: out of town for a tournament, especially when I was
1:23
Speaker 1: in great school middle school. There was no tutors for
1:27
Speaker 1: ACT prep. We only took it once. I remember going
1:31
Speaker 1: out on a Saturday night and with my friends, had
1:33
Speaker 1: a great time. Next morning went to the ACT test.
1:38
Speaker 1: Never once thought about it, took it once and whatever.
1:41
Speaker 1: There was no pressure back then about getting into a
1:44
Speaker 1: top college. We talked about going to college. Back then
1:48
Speaker 1: it was important, least from what I remember, but it
1:51
Speaker 1: wasn't like top college, top university. We just about to
1:56
Speaker 1: get in somewhere. We also had much more freedom to
2:01
Speaker 1: be out and about unsupervised, way more than your kids
2:04
Speaker 1: have today in my In my world, back then, we
2:08
Speaker 1: played one sport a season, and when I was in
2:11
Speaker 1: high school, we played I played football in the fall.
2:14
Speaker 1: I played hockey in the winter. I people played baseball
2:19
Speaker 1: in the spring. Soccer was in the fall if you
2:22
Speaker 1: didn't play football, but it was one sport a season.
2:26
Speaker 1: There are a lot less enrichment activities. I took piano
2:29
Speaker 1: lessons when I was a kids for a couple of
2:31
Speaker 1: years until I decided not to. But it wasn't like
2:34
Speaker 1: I was taking piano lessons. You know, four days a week,
2:38
Speaker 1: are any of the activities the kids to today. It's
2:40
Speaker 1: not like it's just so much pressure. Right we're outside
2:45
Speaker 1: to play on a Saturday afternoon. There are kids out
2:48
Speaker 1: there on the street, lots of them. If you walk
2:52
Speaker 1: out onto the street today in the weekends, there's nobody
2:55
Speaker 1: there because they're all at a tournament someplace. They're all
2:58
Speaker 1: out and about doing their activities. I was talking in
3:03
Speaker 1: my counseling practice not too long ago with an eighth
3:06
Speaker 1: grader and she was stressed out because she was finishing
3:11
Speaker 1: up this three week prep class to take her pre act. Now,
3:18
Speaker 1: let me go back, eighth grader, she's taking a pre
3:22
Speaker 1: must be like a pre pre pre preact, and she
3:26
Speaker 1: was doing a three week prep class. I don't think
3:29
Speaker 1: any of us did that back in the day. I
3:32
Speaker 1: don't think most of us. Any of us. Most of
3:34
Speaker 1: us were pushed to load up our schedule with honors
3:37
Speaker 1: classes and AP classes. And I have so many girls
3:39
Speaker 1: like counsel who were in all honors classes and they're
3:43
Speaker 1: taking three or four AP classes when they're sophomore, seniors
3:46
Speaker 1: and seniors in high school. There actually was time back
3:50
Speaker 1: in the day to go out to recess at school,
3:54
Speaker 1: and it wasn't like a two minute, five minute recess.
3:56
Speaker 1: We had good recess. We had a couple of days.
3:58
Speaker 1: I remember our summers had a lot more free time
4:02
Speaker 1: because we weren't overloaded with these tournaments and out of
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Speaker 1: seasoned club sports. I don't ever remember having a practice
4:10
Speaker 1: in my sport life that ended at nine or nine
4:13
Speaker 1: thirty at night, like it is for many of the
4:15
Speaker 1: girls who I counsel. If the girls I work with
4:21
Speaker 1: ask for a night off because they're just fried and
4:23
Speaker 1: they're tired, their parents say they can't do that. They
4:27
Speaker 1: need to stay busy, because if they're not busy, they're
4:29
Speaker 1: going to get in trouble. I saw a girl several
4:33
Speaker 1: months ago. I'll never forget this quote. She said to me,
4:36
Speaker 1: I know I need to take a break, but then
4:38
Speaker 1: the voice in my head tells me I haven't done
4:41
Speaker 1: enough to deserve it. Is that one of the saddest
4:44
Speaker 1: things you've ever heard or not. There's a high cost.
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Speaker 1: All that a high cost, high levels of stress, pressure, anxiety,
4:55
Speaker 1: kids feeling overloaded, overwhelmed. I see that so often kids
5:00
Speaker 1: who are a sleep deprived and with all the symptoms
5:03
Speaker 1: that come with that anger, anxiety, body symptoms, distracted, feeling
5:09
Speaker 1: disconnected from themselves and their family and their friends. And
5:13
Speaker 1: what I want to focus on today, which is the
5:15
Speaker 1: loss of the joy and the love of the game.
5:18
Speaker 1: Are the activities that they're doing. They're burned out. I
5:23
Speaker 1: saw a girl where my retreats this fall, and she
5:26
Speaker 1: looked at me with tears in her eyes. And this
5:28
Speaker 1: is a high level swimmer who has always loved to swim,
5:31
Speaker 1: and she said, I don't enjoy swimming anymore. I go,
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Speaker 1: I'm doing well, but it's no fun. It's just not fun.
5:40
Speaker 1: I see a lot of kids who are burned out,
5:42
Speaker 1: who feel like they're never good enough. It's never enough.
5:45
Speaker 1: A lot of them are overwhelmed with perfectionism, and they
5:49
Speaker 1: feel out of control and they start looking for things
5:52
Speaker 1: to control that are outside of themselves. She's some kids
5:55
Speaker 1: who over control. They're eating different things. They snap at
5:59
Speaker 1: their parents because are angry and crabby and overwhelmed. More
6:02
Speaker 1: arguments at home power struggles. There was a study done
6:06
Speaker 1: in twenty and sixteen. There's a Journal of Family Relations,
6:10
Speaker 1: and the author Adorsh and his colleagues found that the
6:13
Speaker 1: more money families poured into their youth sports. The more
6:17
Speaker 1: pressure their kids felt, and the less they enjoyed and
6:21
Speaker 1: felt committed to their sport. That's what I'm hearing today,
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Speaker 1: nine years later, just burned out. They've lost the love
6:31
Speaker 1: of the game, lost the love of the sport. I
6:36
Speaker 1: asked girls who were burned out, I said, what's missing
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Speaker 1: in your life? What's missing for you? And what they'll
6:42
Speaker 1: say to me is time off, down time. I remember
6:46
Speaker 1: one time this past fall, we were at a school.
6:50
Speaker 1: They're working with a sixth grade class, and we were
6:51
Speaker 1: talking about the value of downtime, and one of the
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Speaker 1: girls raised her hand. She said, what's downtime. Downtime is
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Speaker 1: time with yourself, time with your family, time with your
7:03
Speaker 1: friends where there's no agenda, you're just hanging out, you're
7:06
Speaker 1: having fun. I was with a group of girls recently,
7:11
Speaker 1: seven of them, and I asked them how many nights
7:13
Speaker 1: a week they had family dinners together. And you know
7:16
Speaker 1: what the answer was, none. None of them had family
7:20
Speaker 1: dinners together. It's very rare. Sometimes on the weekends, during
7:22
Speaker 1: the week, almost never because of their schedules, because of
7:28
Speaker 1: the enrichment, enrichment activities all that. A lot of girls
7:32
Speaker 1: will complain to me with tears in their eyes, just
7:36
Speaker 1: I don't even have time to take a hot bath
7:38
Speaker 1: or a shower. That's how stressed and how busy I am.
7:42
Speaker 1: There's also no time to sample their other interests, doing
7:45
Speaker 1: things that they would enjoy that would enrich them, things
7:48
Speaker 1: like just drawing, writing in their journals, writing poetry, whatever
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Speaker 1: it may be. There's no time for them to just be.
7:59
Speaker 1: Let me see that again, there's no time to just be.
8:05
Speaker 1: And the girls who I see who are burned out,
8:09
Speaker 1: some of the symptoms I see in them that you
8:11
Speaker 1: might look for in your daughters if they're busy little bees,
8:16
Speaker 1: is the loss of love and the loss of the
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Speaker 1: joy of the game that they used to have, the
8:21
Speaker 1: loss of the joy they used to have doing that activity,
8:24
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. They become apathetic about their victories,
8:28
Speaker 1: even if they're doing well. They're like, eh, like, how's
8:31
Speaker 1: that feel? It's like, I don't know whatever. A lot
8:35
Speaker 1: of kids will say to me, I feel like I'm
8:36
Speaker 1: just going through the motions. Have you ever heard your
8:39
Speaker 1: daughters say things like that? Girls used to love to
8:43
Speaker 1: go to practice now start resisting. They dig their heels
8:46
Speaker 1: and they don't want to go. They seem irritable, they
8:49
Speaker 1: seem down, they've lost their spark. Now, that could be
8:53
Speaker 1: from a lot of things, not just their busyness and
8:56
Speaker 1: the burnout. But it's part of the burnout syndrome that
8:59
Speaker 1: I increase the anxiety because of all the pressures on them, sadness,
9:05
Speaker 1: more moody, and that apathy that they oftentimes feel about
9:10
Speaker 1: their activity, their sport, whatever. That oftentimes then carries over
9:14
Speaker 1: to other parts of their life, like their schoolwork, like
9:18
Speaker 1: even friendship stuff, family things. They get really overwhelmed with
9:23
Speaker 1: all the things that they're doing with their schoolwork, their activities,
9:26
Speaker 1: friendship issues at school, doing the chores at home. When
9:30
Speaker 1: girl was saying that she doesn't even have time to
9:33
Speaker 1: put her clothes away, you see any changes in your
9:38
Speaker 1: daughter's mental health, I'd be curious about why, obviously, and
9:43
Speaker 1: I'd also be obsessitive to are they overly busy? Are
9:47
Speaker 1: they feeling excessive pressure to perform and be the best?
9:51
Speaker 1: Do they have down time to recharge their batteries? Does
9:58
Speaker 1: any of this sound like anybody in your home? I'm
10:00
Speaker 1: guessing it is for some of you, many of you,
10:04
Speaker 1: and you may not have thought of it this way.
10:05
Speaker 1: When you see some of those symptoms. But I think
10:07
Speaker 1: that's the case for many girls today. So what to do.
10:12
Speaker 1: What can we do about our daughters' lives and their
10:15
Speaker 1: schedule so they don't experience this burnout. One of the
10:19
Speaker 1: things is for us to know us. Back in my
10:22
Speaker 1: training a long time ago, I learned about a concept
10:26
Speaker 1: called ghosts in the nursery, and that was a phrase
10:30
Speaker 1: coined by a psychiatrist Selm of Freiberg, And what she
10:35
Speaker 1: was describing was that parents bring issues, old stories from
10:40
Speaker 1: their past into their parenting, and sometimes those stories end
10:44
Speaker 1: up getting mixed in with their kids' stories and in
10:49
Speaker 1: a not good way. Let me give you example. I
10:54
Speaker 1: had to older brothers growing up who bullied me a
10:57
Speaker 1: lot physically in a lot of ways, and so I
11:01
Speaker 1: was extra sensitive about that when I had kids, and
11:06
Speaker 1: I had two sons, and I had to be very
11:09
Speaker 1: conscious that if the older one was playing a little
11:11
Speaker 1: bit rough with the younger one, there's a four year
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Speaker 1: age cap and I wouldn't jump in and bring my
11:17
Speaker 1: childhood anger and frustration into their situation. Goes to the
11:22
Speaker 1: nursery meets there's stuff from our past, old feelings, old situations,
11:27
Speaker 1: old stories that can come back and haunt us in
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Speaker 1: our in our parenting. So you need to check in
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Speaker 1: with yourself and say, am I putting too much pressure
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Speaker 1: my kids and their activities? Because because of my story.
11:42
Speaker 1: I saw had one time and his daughter This is
11:45
Speaker 1: a long time ago, and she was a soccer player,
11:49
Speaker 1: and she complained to me about how stressful it was
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Speaker 1: at her practices and her games because her dad's was
11:55
Speaker 1: up in the stands screaming and yelling at the coach,
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Speaker 1: at the referees. Her and I mean, and so you know,
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Speaker 1: she couldn't stand it when her dad was in the stands.
12:08
Speaker 1: And so I asked him about his story, and what
12:12
Speaker 1: I learned from him was that his parents never came
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Speaker 1: to his games when he was a kid growing up.
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Speaker 1: They were both busy, worked long hours. It never came.
12:25
Speaker 1: And at one point, halfway through high school I think
12:28
Speaker 1: you mean, it was a sophomore or a junior, he
12:31
Speaker 1: broke his back and he couldn't play sports anymore because
12:35
Speaker 1: because the doctor said, you could you do something that
12:37
Speaker 1: would affect you for the rest of your life. And
12:41
Speaker 1: so he remembers saying to himself, someday, when I have kids,
12:46
Speaker 1: I will be there for them, I will support their
12:49
Speaker 1: athletics and their activities. And by god, he has been
12:53
Speaker 1: just too much. But it was because he had a
12:55
Speaker 1: ghost in his nursery. So check in with yourself and
12:59
Speaker 1: make sure that you don't have a story from your
13:02
Speaker 1: past that you're adding to your children's experience that's causing
13:05
Speaker 1: undue stress or pressure. There's also the sense that I
13:12
Speaker 1: tell kids that I want them to start focusing on
13:15
Speaker 1: what they do have control over, because some things in
13:17
Speaker 1: their life they don't. There's an old story about an
13:22
Speaker 1: older man who was walking along the train tracks at
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Speaker 1: a train station trying to catch a train. He was
13:28
Speaker 1: a little bit late, so he was trying to run,
13:30
Speaker 1: but he was having a hard time. He was carrying
13:32
Speaker 1: a big cardboard box, and inside the box were about
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Speaker 1: twenty little chicks, little chickens, And at some point he
13:41
Speaker 1: tripped and he fell over, and the box opened up,
13:43
Speaker 1: and all these little chicks started scurrying all around. And
13:48
Speaker 1: people who were nearby saw this, and they all ran
13:50
Speaker 1: over and they were trying to chase these little chicks.
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Speaker 1: They were having a hard time because they were so quick.
13:55
Speaker 1: But the old man did not do that. What he
13:58
Speaker 1: did was he sat down he reached into his coat
14:02
Speaker 1: pocket pulled out a handful of grain, and he just
14:06
Speaker 1: sat there, and one by one the chicks noticed, they
14:08
Speaker 1: came over to get some of the grain. He picked
14:11
Speaker 1: them up and put them into the box. Sometimes instead
14:15
Speaker 1: of us focusing so much energy outside of ourselves, need
14:19
Speaker 1: to focus on inside of ourselves. Let me give you
14:23
Speaker 1: an example from a retreat from last year. There's a
14:28
Speaker 1: girl who was describing symptoms of being burned out, stressed, out, overwhelmed,
14:35
Speaker 1: and so we asked her what were some of the
14:37
Speaker 1: things that were kind of bearing down on her. So
14:41
Speaker 1: she started listing all these things, like she had these
14:43
Speaker 1: beliefs that she wasn't good enough, felt criticism, stressed, anxiety
14:49
Speaker 1: is about I'll never measure up, I can't be the best,
14:51
Speaker 1: I'll never get into college, on and on. She had
14:55
Speaker 1: all these things. And so what we did was we
14:57
Speaker 1: picked a camp counselor to represent each of those thoughts
15:01
Speaker 1: that rummage around in her head. And then we had
15:04
Speaker 1: her sit in the circle, in the middle of the
15:06
Speaker 1: circle with her eyes closed, and we said just listen
15:10
Speaker 1: and take it in. And so those camp counselors slowly
15:13
Speaker 1: walked around her and said their part. You're never good enough,
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Speaker 1: you're never gonna measure up, you're not gonna get into
15:20
Speaker 1: a good college, you don't belong in college anyway. You're
15:23
Speaker 1: not gonna with your sports, you don't try hard enough,
15:25
Speaker 1: you're lazy. All these counselors are walking around saying all
15:28
Speaker 1: those things simultaneously, and this girl in the middle, with
15:32
Speaker 1: her eyes closed, you could see her starting to feel it.
15:36
Speaker 1: And eventually some tears started rolling down her eyes, and
15:38
Speaker 1: we stopped and one of the female counselors went behind
15:42
Speaker 1: her and gave her a big hug, and she just
15:43
Speaker 1: started bawling. And we asked her what was going on,
15:47
Speaker 1: how she was feeling, and she said, this is how
15:48
Speaker 1: I feel every day. And the words she described it
15:53
Speaker 1: was overwhelmed, overwhelmed from all the stuff, all the activities,
15:59
Speaker 1: all the pressures, all that stuff. And so what we
16:04
Speaker 1: did was we repeated that exercise. We told her to
16:07
Speaker 1: close her eyes. We're gonna do it again. The counselors
16:09
Speaker 1: are gonna walk around her, but we said this time,
16:12
Speaker 1: we want you to focus on just doing some deep,
16:15
Speaker 1: slow breathing and some of these thoughts pop in your head,
16:19
Speaker 1: just just breathe, just tell yourself. Just breathe slow down.
16:23
Speaker 1: I got this repeat a really calming mantra and breathe slow.
16:28
Speaker 1: So then the counselors started walking around her. They said
16:30
Speaker 1: all those things the same way, and after maybe thirty seconds,
16:33
Speaker 1: the counselors slowed down because this girl just sat there
16:36
Speaker 1: looking really calm and peaceful. We said, open up your
16:41
Speaker 1: eyes and she's and all those feelings that she had,
16:43
Speaker 1: the weight in her chest had gone away because what
16:46
Speaker 1: she controlled was herself instead of focusing so much energy
16:52
Speaker 1: outside of herself. So I tend to ask girls, and
16:55
Speaker 1: this is something you could ask your daughters, what do
16:57
Speaker 1: you have control over? Always have control over your feelings,
17:02
Speaker 1: how you're feeling about things, and how you take care
17:04
Speaker 1: of your emotions. You do have some control over your schedule.
17:09
Speaker 1: You can keep, you know, adding on another ap class
17:12
Speaker 1: or you cannot. You can have a more balanced schedule,
17:15
Speaker 1: maybe even with one of those hours of study hall
17:19
Speaker 1: hours in the middle of your day to get some
17:21
Speaker 1: of your homework done. You also have control over your
17:25
Speaker 1: mental health, and part of that is for them to
17:29
Speaker 1: learn how to be in control of why they're doing
17:32
Speaker 1: what they're doing, their intention for why they're doing piano, soccer, gymnastics,
17:39
Speaker 1: whatever it might be, why are you doing it? Because
17:41
Speaker 1: if you're doing it for other people, to please other people,
17:47
Speaker 1: if you're doing it to not disappoint your parents, if
17:50
Speaker 1: you're doing it for you want to be the best,
17:53
Speaker 1: and you're trying to win a college scholarship, if you're
17:56
Speaker 1: doing it for those sorts of reasons, If you're doing
18:00
Speaker 1: it to be noticed, to be the best, to not
18:02
Speaker 1: disappoint your parents, to not disappoint your coaches, to not
18:05
Speaker 1: disupport your teammates, those are all external things that will
18:09
Speaker 1: not end up fulfilling you. So you can shift your
18:14
Speaker 1: intention without even shifting what you're doing. I saw a
18:19
Speaker 1: quote from a former Olympic gymnast, Tasha Schweikert, and she
18:23
Speaker 1: put it this way. She said, at the end of
18:26
Speaker 1: the day, I look at that gold medal and it's
18:29
Speaker 1: not joyful. I just look at it and what I
18:31
Speaker 1: see is pain, a lot of pain. She doesn't see
18:36
Speaker 1: joy because she wasn't doing it for her reasons. So
18:40
Speaker 1: you can ask your daughter, why are you doing gymnastics,
18:43
Speaker 1: Why are you doing soccer? Why are you playing violin?
18:46
Speaker 1: Why are you in a play? Why? Why? Why? Why
18:48
Speaker 1: do you want to do those things and then listen.
18:52
Speaker 1: And for her reasons are about pleasing you, are being
18:55
Speaker 1: the best, or those sorts of things. I think you
18:58
Speaker 1: can encourage her to rethink that. I remember years ago
19:04
Speaker 1: I was reading a book. I can't remember which one
19:05
Speaker 1: it was. I found a story about Mia Hamm. Mia
19:12
Speaker 1: Uh was a girl who's family moved to I think
19:16
Speaker 1: it was France when she was a little kid, and
19:18
Speaker 1: she learned how to play France, and we learn how
19:20
Speaker 1: to play France. You learn how to play soccer in Europe.
19:25
Speaker 1: And she was really good, and she was so good
19:29
Speaker 1: that she ended up going to college and playing. And
19:30
Speaker 1: one time, when she was playing in college at the
19:34
Speaker 1: University of North Carolina, the coach had each of his
19:37
Speaker 1: players walk into his office one at a time and
19:39
Speaker 1: he would talk to them about about the upcoming season.
19:42
Speaker 1: And he asked Mia one day, he said what do
19:46
Speaker 1: you want? What do you want for the season? And
19:49
Speaker 1: Mia was taken aback at first, but then she quickly
19:52
Speaker 1: blurted out, I want to be the best. And her
19:56
Speaker 1: coach very smartly said what does that mean? And Mia
20:01
Speaker 1: struggled with her answer, so her coach got up walked
20:06
Speaker 1: over to the light switch. He turned the light switch off,
20:09
Speaker 1: and he turned it back on and he said, it's
20:11
Speaker 1: just a decision, but you have to make it each
20:14
Speaker 1: and every day, and then he walked out of the
20:17
Speaker 1: room and left her to grapple with her truth. Mia
20:22
Speaker 1: had never really taken the time to figure out, why
20:24
Speaker 1: do I want to do this? What's important to me?
20:27
Speaker 1: And lovett was about not disappointing her parents and her teammates.
20:31
Speaker 1: So she did some soul searching and she decides she
20:34
Speaker 1: wanted to be the best because she wanted to She
20:36
Speaker 1: wanted to make the World Cup team, and she wanted
20:40
Speaker 1: to make the Olympic team. That was something that she
20:43
Speaker 1: thought would be just. She wanted that for whatever her
20:45
Speaker 1: reason was. And they also she realized, I have to
20:48
Speaker 1: choose between mediocrity and excellence. But it's the decision I'm
20:52
Speaker 1: about to make every day, every day practice, and it's
20:54
Speaker 1: every match we do. And so she did. She rededicated
20:58
Speaker 1: herself like she never had before because she was clear
21:01
Speaker 1: now why she wanted to do it. And Mia Hamm
21:06
Speaker 1: won the Women's World Cup in nineteen ninety one and
21:08
Speaker 1: nineteen ninety nine. She took Olympic gold medals in ninety six.
21:12
Speaker 1: In two thousand and four, and when she retired, she
21:16
Speaker 1: held the record for most international goals scored in women's soccer.
21:20
Speaker 1: It's been broken since then by Abbie Wallambach Wambach but manyway.
21:25
Speaker 1: The point is this, she decided what she wanted to
21:29
Speaker 1: do with her soccer based upon what was right for her.
21:33
Speaker 1: I want your daughters to do the same thing. If
21:35
Speaker 1: they're doing it for their reasons, there's less of a
21:38
Speaker 1: chance that they're going to get burned out. I also
21:42
Speaker 1: want you to ask your daughters about what are they
21:44
Speaker 1: going to do for self care, because they do have
21:46
Speaker 1: control over that. Are you getting enough sleep? Oh, it's
21:50
Speaker 1: a big one. Are you taking some quiet time, some
21:53
Speaker 1: quiet downtime to do some things that fill you up.
21:57
Speaker 1: It might be journaling, meditation, just doing some reathing, drawing, artwork.
22:03
Speaker 1: Can you get more organized with your activity and your homework.
22:06
Speaker 1: Stop multitasking so it takes less time, so you can
22:09
Speaker 1: get more sleep, et cetera. Are you eating healthy? All
22:13
Speaker 1: those things you do have control over, and they do
22:16
Speaker 1: add on to self care, which means you're less likely
22:19
Speaker 1: to burn out. Also, you can ask your daughter, what
22:23
Speaker 1: level do you want to play? At and why. Back
22:28
Speaker 1: in the day when I was a kid, I remember
22:29
Speaker 1: in the summer, I think we would play like a
22:31
Speaker 1: dozen and fifteen baseball games, like in a season. We
22:35
Speaker 1: weren't playing one hundred baseball games in the summer. We
22:37
Speaker 1: weren't traveling out of town every weekend and ipt you know,
22:41
Speaker 1: never being home. So you can ask your dough you
22:44
Speaker 1: can have fun and enjoy the sport, but not be
22:48
Speaker 1: on a team where it's like so intense. If you're
22:53
Speaker 1: burned out, that's a sign that it's maybe too much.
22:57
Speaker 1: So I want your kids to share how they're feeling
22:59
Speaker 1: about about about what they're doing, their activity, their sport,
23:02
Speaker 1: whatever it is, what they want. They also can tell
23:07
Speaker 1: their parents, these are some things that you do that
23:10
Speaker 1: feel helpful and supportive, and these are some things that
23:13
Speaker 1: you do that don't that feels like it adds stress
23:16
Speaker 1: to me. Let them tell you that. I would listen
23:19
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't argue. I would say thank you for
23:22
Speaker 1: sharing that. I heard about a parent one time I
23:26
Speaker 1: read this somewhere. It was like a confession. The parents said,
23:29
Speaker 1: when my kids were little, I treated them like there
23:31
Speaker 1: were many adults trained to be Olympians. I knew how
23:35
Speaker 1: to help them get better. I just didn't know how
23:37
Speaker 1: to create an environment for a lifelong love of the sport.
23:42
Speaker 1: When we go outside to play, I would correct their
23:44
Speaker 1: form and get frustrated if they are running around and
23:47
Speaker 1: not listening and just having fun. Don't be that parent.
23:52
Speaker 1: Listen to your kids, Listen to what they're saying to you.
23:56
Speaker 1: Ask them, how can I support you. I don't want
23:58
Speaker 1: to add pressure and stress. You're putting more than enough
24:02
Speaker 1: of that on yourself. You also look at ask them
24:05
Speaker 1: you seem if you see it, the burnout symptoms, you
24:08
Speaker 1: seem to have lost your spark. What's going on? What
24:12
Speaker 1: do you need? What do you need to do to
24:14
Speaker 1: take care of yourself? What do you have control over
24:17
Speaker 1: that you could grab on to. I'd make sure that
24:21
Speaker 1: there are off ramps for your kids with any of
24:23
Speaker 1: their activities, so if they're getting burned out, they can
24:26
Speaker 1: stop playing it, stop doing it, and do something else
24:30
Speaker 1: for a while. I have family meetings where you can
24:34
Speaker 1: talk about things of this sort. We had family meetings
24:38
Speaker 1: every week when my kids were growing up. One of
24:40
Speaker 1: the best things we ever did is parents and they
24:43
Speaker 1: were fun. We would discuss things, to discuss the schedules.
24:46
Speaker 1: I remember one time we all decide together as a
24:49
Speaker 1: family that we want to have time where we have
24:52
Speaker 1: meals together, we want to have downtime. They want to
24:54
Speaker 1: have downtime time for their friends. So we all agreed,
24:58
Speaker 1: all of us, not just mom and dad laying a
25:00
Speaker 1: rule down. We all agreed one sport a season, and
25:04
Speaker 1: we held them to it. And there was a couple
25:05
Speaker 1: of times when they pushed us to add a second sport,
25:08
Speaker 1: and we said, when we were clear headed and we
25:11
Speaker 1: were thinking all together, we all we all made a
25:13
Speaker 1: commitment that we said one sport a season, so we're
25:16
Speaker 1: not giving into that. And there were tiers a couple
25:19
Speaker 1: of times, and some frustration, but we stuck to it,
25:21
Speaker 1: and I think I think it was a good thing.
25:24
Speaker 1: So you can talk to your kids too about balance,
25:28
Speaker 1: balancing their activities with other things, sports, with music, the arts,
25:35
Speaker 1: having a job. There's so many kids that who don't
25:37
Speaker 1: work because their parents say their job is school or
25:39
Speaker 1: their job is soccer. Well, there's something really nice and
25:43
Speaker 1: valuable about being out in the world with a job
25:45
Speaker 1: and making some money and interfacing with the adult world.
25:50
Speaker 1: Family time is something that should be in that balance
25:53
Speaker 1: equation alone, down time, time to follow their other interests,
25:59
Speaker 1: not just their one thing. There'll be a much more
26:02
Speaker 1: rich person if they have tried to do lots of
26:05
Speaker 1: things growing up to this side. What are some of
26:07
Speaker 1: my interests? You don't know until you try it. Also,
26:11
Speaker 1: make sure that there are lots lots of breaks for them.
26:15
Speaker 1: There's time for family vacations. There's time for them to
26:19
Speaker 1: go to a quote unquote normal camp like my camp.
26:21
Speaker 1: We lo Kai. I have so many kids who tell
26:24
Speaker 1: me I want to come to camp in the summer
26:25
Speaker 1: so bad, but I can't go because my coach won't
26:28
Speaker 1: let me off practice for a week. I hate that. Ugh,
26:33
Speaker 1: hate hate, hate that they're playing twelve months of the year.
26:37
Speaker 1: You can't take a week off for a fun you know,
26:40
Speaker 1: stay away camp or a family vacation. There are a
26:43
Speaker 1: lot of families who don't have time in the summers
26:46
Speaker 1: for a vacation because because of all the tournaments. Also,
26:52
Speaker 1: what you have control over your kids and you together
26:55
Speaker 1: is what team they're going to be on and the
26:58
Speaker 1: coach of that team. Some coaches who understand where I'm
27:02
Speaker 1: talking about, and there's some coaches who are zealous and
27:05
Speaker 1: there's no room for breaks, time off, whatever. So you
27:10
Speaker 1: need to have you need your daughter to have a
27:11
Speaker 1: coach who has good intentions. That's about fun that when
27:16
Speaker 1: they're in sixth grade, the reason they're out there isn't
27:18
Speaker 1: to get a college scholarship. That's the reality check that
27:22
Speaker 1: we need to do. We need to watch our pressure,
27:25
Speaker 1: We need to watch why we're so pressuring our kids.
27:30
Speaker 1: According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, burnout, anxiety, depression,
27:35
Speaker 1: and attrition i e. Quitting things early, those are increased
27:40
Speaker 1: when you have early specialization. When you when your kids
27:45
Speaker 1: are allowed to only do one activity, one sport, and
27:48
Speaker 1: they let go of all the other ones, and coaches
27:51
Speaker 1: will push for that as early as fourth fifth, sixth grade.
27:57
Speaker 1: The American Academy of Pediatrics says delaying specialization in most
28:01
Speaker 1: cases until late adolescents i e. Middle end of high
28:03
Speaker 1: school it increases the likelihood of athletic success. In a
28:09
Speaker 1: survey of two hundred and ninety six NCAA Division One
28:12
Speaker 1: male and female athletes, UCLA researchers discovered that eighty eight
28:17
Speaker 1: percent had played an average of two to three sports
28:20
Speaker 1: as kids, not one sport, not early specialization. They played
28:24
Speaker 1: a lot of sports. The other reality check is, even
28:29
Speaker 1: though there's so much energy about college scholarships, only about
28:32
Speaker 1: three to five percent of high school athletes are going
28:35
Speaker 1: to compete at the NCUBLEA division NC DOUBLEA level. Only
28:40
Speaker 1: three to five percent of all high schools kids playing
28:43
Speaker 1: sports are going to play in college, and only about
28:46
Speaker 1: one percent are going to get an athletic scholarship. And
28:51
Speaker 1: out of all those kids, only about point three too
28:54
Speaker 1: point five percent of high school athletes make it to
28:56
Speaker 1: the professional level. So all this energy that I hear
29:03
Speaker 1: from kids and their parents about scholarships in college, you
29:08
Speaker 1: know it's it's not reality. It's just not reality. And
29:13
Speaker 1: by the way, kids who do get some scholarship to
29:16
Speaker 1: play sports in college, most of them are not on
29:18
Speaker 1: full rides that covers all their educational costs. Most athletic
29:23
Speaker 1: scholarships for college get less than one thousand dollars per year.
29:28
Speaker 1: Less than ten percent are on full rides, and those
29:32
Speaker 1: numbers include division one, two, and three. So you actually
29:36
Speaker 1: have a better chance of getting more money by getting
29:38
Speaker 1: good grades and test scores than by being a top athlete.
29:42
Speaker 1: I also a couple more points not quick. This is
29:45
Speaker 1: getting too long winded. Focus on the present moment instead
29:49
Speaker 1: of the future. So many kids early on, you know, third, fourth, fifth,
29:54
Speaker 1: sixth grade, there's so much energy and talk about college.
29:58
Speaker 1: And when you're in grade school, it's like getting on
30:00
Speaker 1: your high schoo team. When you're in high school, it's
30:02
Speaker 1: boy getting on a college team, which takes away the
30:05
Speaker 1: fun of the moment, having fun with your friends and
30:08
Speaker 1: enjoying the teamwork, enjoying enjoying the camaraderie, just enjoying the
30:13
Speaker 1: present moment. And I think are over focused in the future.
30:18
Speaker 1: I think makes that hard. Also, our kids all need
30:22
Speaker 1: safe places to talk about their feelings and their worries
30:26
Speaker 1: and their fears and any of those symptoms that you
30:28
Speaker 1: may see that look like burnout. They need to talk
30:31
Speaker 1: to somebody. I want them to talk to you. Sometimes
30:34
Speaker 1: they need to talk to someone like me, like a
30:37
Speaker 1: counselor a therapist, because sometimes their emotions go deep and
30:41
Speaker 1: they have a hard time sharing with their parents at first.
30:45
Speaker 1: Just talking about all that can be therapeutic and healing
30:48
Speaker 1: for them and also allow them to start taking responsibility
30:52
Speaker 1: for the things that they do have control over. Also
30:56
Speaker 1: to have a chance to figure out what are my
30:58
Speaker 1: intentions for why I'm doing the things, so that's healthy.
31:02
Speaker 1: So it's more present moment as opposed to proving themselves
31:06
Speaker 1: or being better than other people, or getting approval all
31:08
Speaker 1: those things. So we're getting more and more kids who
31:12
Speaker 1: quit sports early and activities, and most of the time
31:17
Speaker 1: it's because of burnout, because of the things I've talked about.
31:21
Speaker 1: A few months ago, I did a podcast about how
31:24
Speaker 1: busy kids are. See if I want to go back
31:26
Speaker 1: and listen to that. If you haven't heard it, I'll
31:28
Speaker 1: put a link to the show notes my show notes
31:31
Speaker 1: for this one, so you can go back and listen
31:33
Speaker 1: or re listen to that one. Listen to your kids, balance,
31:39
Speaker 1: make sure that they're not getting burned out. Make sure
31:42
Speaker 1: that everybody's taking charge of what they can. And you
31:45
Speaker 1: have control over a lot of things that I think
31:49
Speaker 1: sometimes we feel like we're not, So take charge. Take
31:52
Speaker 1: charge so your kids don't get burned out. I'll be
31:55
Speaker 1: back here as always with a brand new podcast in
31:58
Speaker 1: a week and passes on to your friends. Visit me
32:02
Speaker 1: at my site Dr tim Jordan dot com and if
32:06
Speaker 1: you have questions, if you have some ideas about future podcasts,
32:09
Speaker 1: email me. Email me at d R Tim at dr
32:14
Speaker 1: tim Jordan dot com. I'm always looking for ideas about
32:16
Speaker 1: things that you want to hear about or want to
32:18
Speaker 1: learn more about. Thank you so much, as always for
32:21
Speaker 1: stopping by. I'll be back here with a brand new
32:23
Speaker 1: podcast in a week