Latest / The Midlife Pivot / Why Midlife Is a Crossroads, Not a Crisis | 002
Transcript
- Amanda: we're back! It's so exciting. The response that we got from our first try was unbelievable, Amanda. Really and truly unbelievable. And now we've decided that if people do like us, or when people do like us, we can come on with confidence. I am so unbelievably impressed with you, Mum. I mean, here you are. you know, in your 80s and you, as I said last week, you embraced me with such positivity and warmth having me do something like this. It was something that I've been really thinking about for so long. I've had so many pivots in my life and You know, I'm so appreciative that I've got you to do this. And we recognize that last week we had a couple hiccups. The mic wasn't in the right place. obviously this week we've done our testing beforehand. And I guess those are things, that we pivot. My darling, nothing is always perfect. If it was perfect, it wouldn't be an exciting world. I know. So as long as we can adapt. Right. And I had my son being very critical and he goes, Mum, if I was doing a drinking game and every time the two of you said pivot, he said I would be completely drunk at the end of this. And I go, but Erin, this is what the topic is. We're talking about pivoting. But those are kind of things we'll be cognizant of. Absolutely. And your father, as you know, who's blessed with being 91 years old, he heard the first step and he said to me, what exactly are you? pivoting, what is this pivot? And I had to explain to him that it's a change that we've had in our, okay, that's good. Yeah, no, he was actually very impressed. It was very sweet to see. And I think he kind of liked the fact that you spoke about him every now and again and you threw in there how, you know, because I think he feels left out that he's not part of this, you know, part of this new venture that we're here. But I think yes, I think that I will reiterate your sentiment in being so overly appreciative of the amazing support just from a trailer. I mean, we originally put out the trailer to kind of hook everybody in and got such lovely responses. And for me, gives us, I think, yes, as you said, gives us the confidence. Confidence to go forward. But now, my darling, let's talk a little about you. We spoke about me and we'll speak more about me because as you know I've got lots to talk about. Lots of But let's, I'm not going to ask you questions. I want to hear one of the pivots in your midlife. Absolutely. So I think, one of the, one of the reasons we spoke about it little, again, we spoke about it a little bit last week where I came to this crossroads in my, in my, and I loved how you said that in our intro. where you said, you know, it's not an ending, it's not a crisis, it's a crossroads. And it is. When we get to our midlife, we suddenly are faced with different things that happen to us, whether it be internally or whether it be socially, we have to make decisions. And I touched on the fact that I, you know, I had this 30-year career in infertility, when Mark and I emigrated to to America, being sponsored and I had to wait until we got our green cards in order for me to start working. And, at the time the Shady Grove Fertility Center was just being started and I was asked- Boy, I remember those days. Do remember? Coming to visit, you were sitting in a tiny little office, you were the front desk, you were the coordinator, you were everything, right? tiny little office and the doctors had their own place now, but it was tiny, absolutely tiny. I always laugh. Cathy Bueger had used to say to me, she would say to me, because I would arrive there, I mean I was 22 years old, Mum. I mean I was a baby, I was married so young, I was so, and I would arrive in my little black. And Cathy was the main nurse there, she was the one and only. yeah. I remember Cathy used to laugh because I would come in in my little leather mini skirts and sit at the front desk. But you know, Mum, it was the most incredible launching pad for me, in starting a career here in the States. And I knew nothing. I arrived, I knew absolutely nothing. And I took the bull by the horns. You know, I recognised that this was an amazing opportunity for me and you know, I don't know you remember this but I actually didn't start as a front desk receptionist. I started as a filing because one of the doctors who left shortly after turned around and said, I won't have family working here. And I ended up starting and then the front desk receptionist went off and had a baby. She was going on maternity leave. my God. and I was going to come in as a fund desk receptionist and that was kind of how I started at Shady Grow Fertility and that then just grew. It grew to me eventually going into billing and creating the financial program. remember the billing was in the basement of your time house? Yes. You know and then as it grew you had more people working in that basement. It's incredible. It's incredible. You know you talk about pivoting. My God. That was Pivots for everybody in and I kind of just grew in that space. And then when we started trying to get pregnant, I wasn't getting pregnant. And you know, I didn't, I was young. I was young, granted I was 26 but I wanted to bounce into the office one day and say, I'm pregnant. You know, and I was obviously around a lot of infertile patients and, You you start to wonder, you start to think, well, me too, is it me too? And I remember, you know, going to see my OB-GYN and discovering that we in fact did have a fertility problem. And that was in itself such a, you know, moment stopping moment. Mind boggling. It was, it was. And I suddenly, but you know what? I truly believe, and I said this to a friend this week, I truly believe that everything everything in life happens for a reason. And I believe that not that everyone that works in a fertility clinic has to go through infertility, but I do feel for myself it was a calling for me because I think what I was then able to do in being able to be there for my patients in a different way and I will never forget a few years after I was in billing at that point and a gentleman had called me up about his bill and obviously it's a very expensive process. People are very overwhelmed by the expense. And I remember him calling me up and saying to me, you have no idea what we go through in doing this. And I went, hang on a second. Yes, I do. I've done two IVF cycles already. I've just been able to get pregnant. it brought down this wall. it took away this wall and I think what I was able to do then was really understand what patients, what my patients and that ultimately was where I was in the practice. became a patient services coordinator. I worked with patients first from the billing perspective and helping them navigate the finances. And then from there moved on to take over this, you know, international egg donation program and I was so fortunate. I I made some of my closest friends through that. Some of the nurses that I worked with overseas. in England, I mean, your patients still today send you pictures of their children, of their grown. And some of them are what, 10, 11? Whoa, no, gosh, some them are young, like 15 even. I mean, this was, you know, because I was in that for that long. I think that was your success there. you know, being able to understand these people from your point of view. Each patient you had, you had experienced something that was going on in their lives. And you'd be, we were able, you know, to empathize with them. And they appreciated that so much. I remember teasing, I remember teasing Mark after having gone through infertility, having had the kids. And of course we did IVF, had the twins and back in those days, mean, mommy, the twins are going to be 30 this year. Wow, no. It's just mind-blowing. then obviously, wanting a third child and there's seven years between Erin and Kayla. My memories there was having an accident on the 270. Yes. Coming along, having this huge accident, being in absolute tears. So who do I call? I call my daughter. And straight away, you came. And you poor thing. You had a belly. that stood in front, you couldn't even see your face for this billy, it was so huge. And you came rushing and you really helped me on that situation and I was all depleted and, mom, don't worry, let's go. But that's me, I like to fix a problem. You took me back to the office, I remember, and you gave me sugar water. You said, just calm down. Meanwhile, I had this big truck that had come right into my window of the car. So yeah, so there was, but yeah, wonderful memories. So they are wonderful memories. But I gave, you know, I gave everything, everything of myself to that, to that career and grew. And, you know, I always said I didn't really have any knowledge or anything before I started. I came in, you know, as a new immigrant, fresh off the boat, as they say. And really learned so much. And I think just having the empathy that I did. And I continue to do it. I have people calling me. I haven't worked now for six years at Cheney Grove. And I still have people who call me up and say, do I know the best fertility clinic to go to? And mothers now that are calling me for their daughters, looking at egg freezing. So that's something that I love. But I did make that decision. I think I touched on it very briefly last week when I said that COVID arrived, I was running this international program, we couldn't travel anymore and time was up. Yeah, but that's where the pivot comes Correct. That is it. And it was also in your middle. It was. I've just turned 50. I was going into my 51st year and I realized that my time was up. I had given everything that I could to that profession. And in that time, I had started on this Peloton journey. Which was also a pivot. I I'd always worked out. I, you know, again, I've always struggled with my weight. As you know, it's just I've been up. Well also Amanda, just remember, you carried two huge babies. Okay? That was the start, the beginning of the end. I I remember them being so small and having legs like chickens and I still said, my god, how are we going to ever put a diaper on, which is the size of a stamp. Those babies were born at 34 weeks. I six weeks early. Right. I took those two home. They were four pounds 13 ounces and four pounds 15 ounces. And I took those babies home with me. They were not in a NICU. They were in Look at them today. These Langalocchans and these Langalocchans is very big people. Tall people. yeah, but I, we lost track of what we were saying. were talking about your years that you had, that I did. I, from an immigration, went into this huge... And then having had those 30 years, 29 years, I was just short of my 30th year. And giving that up and... Obviously, as I was saying, I had always struggled with my weight. Yes, the twins absolutely took me a long time to lose it. And I'll never forget, I'll never forget you saying to me when I was so desperate for that third child. You know, you just know, you know when your family is complete and not, and I think I had been so overwhelmed by having had twins that I just wanted to be able to experience one baby. I really did. I just wanted to be able to, you know, I... I mean it was amazing and I was so blessed. had a boy and a girl and I truly was so blessed with my second IVF cycle, my first one wasn't successful. But again, we're talking many, many years ago so technology was very different. Can I ask you a quick question? I don't think I've ever asked you before. did you find you had to go through the whole fertility cycle again with Nicole? I did. So it wasn't a matter of... Well, what ended up actually happening, that's a great question, what ended up actually happening was I did have frozen embryos from the twins. But they were back in those days, IVF was so different. So back in those days, they put back embryos on day three. So now they actually have embryos grow to what's called blastocyst. So they get to day five or six where they can actually kind of hatch. out of, you know, the embryologists can see the quality of the embryos. So back in the day, I mean, with Erin and Kayla, we put back four embryos. Today, they would never even be remotely entertained, something like that. But back in those days, because they didn't really know what they were putting back, and they were going blind. We put back four embryos, and thank God I only have twins. But that's why people would have quadruplets and triplets and whatever. But with Nicole, we had some embryos and I remember going to Mark and saying, I need to put closure to this. I've got these embryos that are frozen. I need to put closure to this. And the embryologist, who's just a fabulous friend of ours and had worked with us for many years, Mark, those embryos are terrible. They're never going to work. And I was like, and then of course we did them. They didn't even survive the thought. were They called 2PN in those days. They were nothing. They were just terrible. And they died as soon as they thought then they didn't even, we couldn't even transfer them back. And you know what? Look, I was very fortunate. I worked for an infertility clinic. We both did. You we were in the infertility industry and I said to Mark, I said, I'm doing this again. You know, we're so fortunate that we have it at our fingertips. And I said, I'm doing it again. So yeah. I had to go through that entire process again. And you said to me, are you sure? Are you sure you really want to do this? And I said, mom, just, need to do this. I knew that my, for me, my family wasn't complete. And we did it and we were very fortunate. Well, you know, Amanda, just to cut you short there, I went through the same experience because I had two children and I wanted more children. I love babies. I love children. I love people. And I couldn't get pregnant. And of course, at that time there was no infertility And I waited six years before I got pregnant. Every single month for six years. And then I had you. So. Well, I think our life, I do see a lot of parallels in our life. I mean, there's no question. Yes, I mean, you had a boy and a girl, but you really wanted this third child. I came six years after, Nicole came almost seven. But there are lot of parallels in our life. how you felt. Yes, right. you could, yeah, that's why you did encourage me, actually. You asked me, you didn't ask me, do you really want to do this? But you did encourage me and said, if this is what you want to do, you know, do it. And, I don't regret it for a minute. She drives me crazy, as all our children do, as I'm sure I drive you crazy half the time. the irony of it all, as you know, mom. is that she, she hates it when I say this, but she probably won't even listen to the podcast, so it's fine. She's a mini-me. I mean, she is a literally, and I remember you saying that to me. You said to me once, you said, Amanda, she is you re-incognite. mean, looks in every way. And she was that, yes. And as I said last week, know, the twins went off. to college and I had this, you I had her around for those six years, seven years. And you still have her around. They don't stop phoning, they don't stop asking three, four times a day and that's because they love you. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Absolutely. And I wouldn't change it for the world. yes, so I think that I do believe that everything does happen for a reason. And I was meant to go through fertility. Yeah. I was just meant to go through it. I could then embrace the anguish and the anxiety and the loss that these patients were going through and being able to provide that to say, do know where you're going through. I know what I was going to say. And we flipped over. I was going to say when I started working with the egg donation program, I remember saying to Mark, okay, well maybe now I need to go through egg donation. So I really need to really know what my patients are going through. He looked at me. need blue. He looked at me and goes, with your next husband, but we're not doing it. I'm now too old. So we're fine, we're safe. No more kids coming out of me because there are age cutoffs. even though I was able to relate to patients, I was able to provide a sense of just comfort and I think my patients really appreciated it. Absolutely. Till today. Yeah, well you're out of it completely. So that was a big, part of your life. was a big, it was a huge And then another pivot. And then another. So you know, that pivot word today. All right Erin, stop drinking, okay? one can sit back and think, you know what, there is something to this, you know. Let's think of our life and how we've had turnarounds. And you know what, think one of the beautiful things is when you and I started talking about doing this podcast, I started thinking about people. And there are so many people that have had these pivots that we'll bring onto the show. And they've all kind of happened in that midlife. You they've all kind of happened where you raise your children, you work on your marriages, you're in that portion of your life that... you are so focused on just getting through the day. know, think about it. Think back. I I know for you it's many, many years ago, but I even think about us. You know, I worked, I had three kids. You know, we were just constantly on the go, on the go, on the go. And you suddenly arrive at a place in your life where your kids now leave home. They've gone off to college. You know, most people continue working. In my situation, it all it was like a tsunami. I do, I say it was like a tsunami because I literally went through all these changes at that happened at the same time. But even so, you turn that frown, you figure out, make lemonade out of lemons and that is how I was and it took me a little bit of time to get to this point. I agree, I agree totally with you because it becomes in a midlife was so different in different times. The other day, your father shows me a picture of his Bar Mitzvah picture with his mom and dad. His mom was like 30. Well, when you looked at it, she looked 60. You know? So you think, where is midlife? You know? When can you turn around and say... I think we're so fortunate in today's... And I mean, I use you as a perfect example. You and dad, you and dad, and yes... Again, I know that dad is frailing and obviously he's going to be 91 in a couple weeks and we are so blessed to have him. But who would have thought his father died at what? was 64. 60. Yes. You know, his father died at 60. dad was 19 years old when he lost his father. Right. You know, it was different. So yes, midlife is something we are living much longer. I mean, you are perfect. You are the epitome of somebody who, you know, and I know I tease you and I say, you're not going anywhere until you're at least 100. And I believe that and you will be sitting next to me and we're going to go make goddamn sure that we're still doing this podcast as you hit 90. Please God, we'll have lots of followers and people will continue to want to listen to what you have to say. Well, there are people today who have got podcasts, at 104. The other day I was reading in I know they have podcasts. Well, alright, it's not a podcast. She spoke on 10. No, right. On an interview. She was 104, a Holocaust survivor. I mean, can you believe what this woman has been through? And at 104, smile on her face, lipstick, nails Well, I always use the example, and I'm going to absolutely forget her name now. Maybe you will June. wait, wait, wait, wait, that film star, actress. Yes, the actress. She's amazing. And of course, I've forgotten her name and I'm so sorry. But June, it'll come to me. And she's still performing. She's 94 years old and she's still doing movies. I mean, she remembers lines. I mean, one of the movies she was lying on the floor when she was running after the, you know, going to find the money. the cart all over the place. And so there's no excuse. that's why, that's again another reason why I feel so privileged that you're able to do this. you know, yeah, we forget, but I forget things. I mean, look, I just forgot this damn, you know, actress's name, last name. I know her name, June. But I don't remember her. Do you know what saying? So, yes, you sometimes say to me, Amanda, I forgot, you know, I can't remember this or I can't remember that. remember that either. So it's just a question of making the most of it and that's why I push you as much as I do and I don't allow you. I want to tell you something as I told you before it's all a mind mindset. You know I have friends who are younger than me who completely gave up completely the depression and this, that and that and then again I have friends whose life have just started at the age of 80. you know, becoming a concert pianist or painting or whatever the case may be, you know, going to the opera and going to all kinds of things. It's a mindset. She was the type of person who was determined to live her life to the full. Are you talking about our favourite person in the whole wide world? Yes, my friend, And I know she's listening, so huge shout out to Corina. But yes, she was not going to allow any... and she's, you you're the same way. And that's how we should be and if anybody watching this can just turn around and say, look at her, she's amazing. She's 85 years old, she's sitting doing a podcast, she has all her marbles intact. And again, yes, there are absolutely ebbs and flows. There are times in our life that we do and we see dad struggling and we see him getting older, but even him, he's determined. He's not giving I must admit. You know, it's phenomenal to watch him be so focused on, like now, know this last week was challenging for him because I've taken over his accounts. And it was something, you he was losing that sense of independence. And I recognize, I recognize, and that's why I'm trying to be as patient as I can with him because I do recognize that he does know what he's doing, but I want to make sure that there aren't any mistakes. He does not want to give up control. Right. But it's all a mindset and it's just, and as I said to him, it's trying to make life simpler for him. That's all I'm trying to do. He can still focus on what he's doing. But again, Amanda, getting back to how we are the way we are. Both your father and I exercised all our lives. He would go to the gym, as you know, he was a lawyer, and he had a gym in his building. And lunchtime he would go down and he would exercise. He always ate well. Until today, unfortunately, he has to curb his diet. But until today, he ate nutritionally well, he exercised, and that's what makes you. He was an avid golfer. Yeah. Avid golfer cries today that he can't swing a golf stick. Golf club. Yeah. And those things are very important. Very important to keep your mind going. And look at me. a couple of years ago, what did I do? I decided I want to learn Spanish. I don't want to sit there and hear Spanish and I don't understand what's going on. I was actually watching a movie on television one day and I said I can't understand, I've got to learn this language. And also my mother being a Sephardic Jew who spoke Ladino, which is a Spanish derivative from Spain, where the immigrants came from and so on. And I thought, this I've got to do. So I started Spanish classes and I've been doing this now for, what, eight years? I know, I know, it's phenomenal. And I haven't given up. I keep on because I'm doing well. I mean, I hope my Spanish teacher is listening to me right now. Well, you got to meet... one of my favorite people in the whole world, Mariana. And you spoke to her in Spanish and I was blown away. was like the two of you were having a conversation. was like, hang on, can you hold on for me? And my Spanish is better. I do my Duolingo every Monday morning. I do my Spanish yoga with her so that I could, and let me tell you, I have, I've caught on to so much. I don't even have to look at the screen anymore. know when she's talking about Perro and down dog and, and then you're the child's pose. And you this is what you push yourself to do things because you evolve. know, one thing I've tried and never been able to master and that is doing a crossword puzzle. really? There must be something in my brain that doesn't allow me to think of the words and where they've got to go. And I'm an avid reader. I read a lot, but I'll still conquer that. I will conquer that. It's just, you know, as I said, it's waking up every morning where we go and how we do it. again, it's just really, hopefully giving out there that are thinking about this next chapter in their lives. And a lot of people reached out to me in the past week since we released the episode and said, I'm there, I'm almost there. And it doesn't necessarily mean 50. I mean, I... I hope down the road I'll have somebody on that is pivoting earlier than 50, but making a massive social decision for themselves. the age is really irrelevant. It's how these pivots happen at different stages of our lives. I think it's just each week focusing on that. So we have... fun chats coming next week we will have a chat on menopause and talking about and kind of get that out of the way because that is a focus that a lot of us do look at. It's a huge focus. Everybody goes through it. Yes. You know it's something that must be addressed and thank God in today's world it is addressed. there's people you can turn to that can help you through that part. we hope to have Dr. Toby Beckerman on who will chat to us about how we deal with menopause in second chapter. then each week we'll just let everybody know kind of, you know, hopefully what's coming on next and go from there. But I think we will wrap this week up. You know, as I said before, I think it's kind of want to keep these episodes, you know, to about 30 minutes, 35 minutes. I think that's enough for people to have to hear what we have to say and want to come back for what the next story is going And you mustn't forget when we have our guests. It'll be a bit longer. And yes, and we will fade a little bit in the background while they speak. They are the people that are going to, you know. Absolutely. Take over. All right, good. So thank you. Thank you for... Thank you, my darling. And thank you all for having been so kind. with the words that you've given us on our first episode. I really appreciate it. And it's given me strength to tell you all my stories. And I have lots and lots of stories. You do have lots of stories and we're excited to share them. We're excited to share them in weeks to come. So as always, make sure that you like, follow us on whichever platform you get to listen to us. If you are listening to the podcast, are on Spotify and YouTube where you can get to watch us in video format, which we encourage you to do. And if you wouldn't mind just liking us, share us, make comments. I don't care if they're good or bad, but make comments because that then does allow. the podcast to get out there more because while I have so many amazing friends that are listening to this, we want other people to hear about us too. It shouldn't just be friends. So we encourage you to just, if you're enjoying what you're listening to and you want to hear more of it, make sure that you do comment, like, follow, subscribe so that each week you'll get to hear, you know, those will come up in your inbox and you'll get to hear the next week's episode. So I guess from us today, we can say bye and we will see you back here next week.