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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just-Cultivating Sensitivity: Avoiding Embarrassment and Fostering Peace 9.17.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Of what the Gamal talks about, Hasidou doesn't directly say the
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  word Hasidou, but what it says is each rabbi was asked what you
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  do, what was your item to help you live a long life and all
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  gave different answers. And our point is that each one
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  is that the rabbi took a certain topic and he took it all the
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  way. It was his passion.
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  So the example we tell yesterday was what Rabbi said.
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  I never enjoyed my friend's embarrassment.
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  Someone said joke about my friend in my presence.
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  I didn't laugh, I didn't pile on, I didn't make him feel
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  better. An item.
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  That's a tough one. And that's his thing.
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  That's his rabble. He told me about an Amora rabble
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  from the Gemara who probably that's his idol and that was his
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  idol. He was careful and sensitive in
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  that area and that became who called his passion.
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  And that's why he married a long life.
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  A few more. Another one on 347.
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  My fellow's cursed. Never climbed with me into my
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  bed. Now, what does that mean?
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  Before he went to sleep around the bottom, before he went to
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  sleep every night, he wished well on everybody.
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  You know, we have in our Karachi, Malamita, we forgive
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  people every single night. All right?
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  I am forgiving anyone who upset me, who angered me every single
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  night we say that. That's a reality for all of us.
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  Why do we say that every single night?
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  Because we don't want other people to have to suffer because
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  of us. We do not want ourselves to be
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  caring and harming other people. I know people wronged us.
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  I know they don't have a right and deserve to just be rolling
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  in life while they mess us over. I'm not understand that.
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  But we don't want at the same time us to be the source under
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  and the reason that they have problems in life.
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  Nobody wants that. OK, so he says every single
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  month. And this rabbi is saying I was
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  sincere every night when I said it, I was real.
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  Some people, you know, you play lip service to this concept.
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  I actually meant it. It's hard to mean.
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  It's hard to really wish well on the entire Rd.
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  There's always a guy out there who messed you over as it being
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  business. Block your driveway did
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  something to you, something severe.
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  So you're small. I stole big money from you,
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  stole money from you. So I I can't help to have a
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  smile on my face when I see something bad happening, right?
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  I agree, it's very difficult. This is a lot of work.
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  This is a lifetime doer. But I understand.
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  I'm not saying you're normal. I'm not saying you're not
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  normal, but I am saying the goal, the goal is to have a
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  sense that I'm good with everyone.
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  I don't wish any well, anybody, for example, dare Mara Katve.
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  Firstly, he never reads the story.
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  I'm reading the words. There was a rabbi who was
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  cowering a spade in his shoulder.
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  A rabbi came and attempted to help a mother of when I told
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  him, if you're used to carrying this thing, carrying my spade,
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  the love. If you're not used to carrying
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  such a tool, don't. I don't want to be the one that
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  causes you Bouchard. I know you see a rabbi carrying
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  something and you want to step in.
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  Don't do it. Just my sake.
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  Only if he's doing am I going to allow you to carry and you see a
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  rabbi carrying a bunch of packages.
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  It looks IE, but it looks like Azit, you want to help him.
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  The rabbi would say in this example, I'm only allowing you
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  to help me if you're used to doing so.
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  You know, I used to doing so I'm not allowing you.
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  I don't want to be stressful. I don't want you to embarrass
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  yourself or didn't degrade yourself for myself.
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  That is the way Rabbi is saying I do.
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  I am not willing to allow somebody else to get any
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  disrespect for my own sake. Now you'd say the guy is doing
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  him. It's far from me.
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  He's giving the rabbi kavod. True, but this rabbi wasn't
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  willing to even accept kavod if it meant another person being
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  diminished even the slightest bit.
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  Now this is a high level and nobody is saying it has to be
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  across the board. What did you say that cop What
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  said that Conde can English things say that cop because you
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  don't want to harm the other guy's funds?
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  No, that's not embarrassment. That's the difference has to be
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  the other person is doing an act.
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  It's someone embarrassing. So the guy is a beautiful thing
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  and therefore there's nothing wrong with giving it actually
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  better. But they gotta give right?
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  That's what it means. Hayesh Avapi, you have in this
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  example, even though this is not really embarrassing a guy
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  helping a rabbi's not embarrassing.
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  Shamashmo dekund javido, when we said before the rabbi stated I
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  would not allow myself to enjoy someone else's embarrassment.
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  We said the better example is laughing with so make funny a
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  friend, not allowing someone to carry a package for you who are
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  Misha de la Bazzot Javido? The real example of enjoying
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  someone else's embarrassment is enjoying someone else's real
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  embarrassment. Not this case.
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  This rabbi was so sensitive to the concept, he wouldn't even
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  allow somebody else to get embarrassed at the slightest.
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  And the idea for all of us is let's take this example as our
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  example. Be very careful for all the
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  people around you. Make sure and no one's getting
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  embarrassed or hurt, even inadvertently.
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  It's one thing not to say anything negative to another
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  person. It's one thing not say anything
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  negative about another person, but it's a whole another level
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  to be conscious about other people getting hurt in the
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  process. There are many good people out
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  there who would never say derogatory term, who would never
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  put someone down. What about kidding?
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  But they but be careful. But they would allow you're
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  kidding them up, right? They would allow someone say
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  something in their presence and they laugh, they'd smile, they'd
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  enjoy it. His rabbi, his passion, his
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  life's work was don't allow that to happen in my presence.
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  I don't want to be the 'cause you know, there's damage and
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  then there's a cause of damage. There's hurting a person and
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  there's hurting and there's about causing another person to
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  hurt. I always say this, the worst guy
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  in the room. When insults fly, negative
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  comments go ashore. What happens?
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  Who's the worst guy in the room? The third party, the guy who is
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  there on the side, who's laughing along, who's nodding
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  his head, who's absorbing, who's actually probably doesn't
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  realize it. He's probably adding fuel to his
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  fire by being there. That guy is the worst guy
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  because he is the reason. Often and the words I even said,
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  they're saying and because they want to hang the left, they're
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  saying because they want to hear you, how you react.
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  And you have to be conscious of that.
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  If you were part of the picture, you have to make sure you're not
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  allowing it to pile on. And that's a level of
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  recognition of the cavort of other people.
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  How far do other people cavort go?
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  It goes all the way to the fact they want to make sure and
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  nobody is hurt or my presence. Nobody is hurt because of my
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  presence, right? That means I'll give you an
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  example. A Hashouf person is going to go
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  visit a certain place and there's ready a Hashou person
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  there. An important person is going to
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  visit a, I don't know, visit Hanukkarta Bait Zohar, a small
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  garden is right and there's ready.
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  Let's say you're having a Hanukkarta Bait.
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  There's 12 people that come to Hanukkarta Bait, right?
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  The uncles and brother in laws has to hold you and you invite a
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  rabbit and you invite another rabbit.
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  All rabbis have to be conscious. If there's another rabbi there,
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  I'm there, another guy's there. I have to be conscious.
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  I can't steal the show. Well, he's there.
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  He can't steal the show. Well, I'm there and he has to be
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  careful of what he's causing to me if he's not conscious.
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  I was once by a Hanukkah by it, and they told me beforehand.
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  Rabbi, can you please? No, it's a Zod.
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  Rabbi, can you please leave the Zod to my rabbi?
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  Did OK. Another guy in the shoe.
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  I come to the Zod in the middle. Someone walks in.
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  Who walks in? I just need someone out of the
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  rabbi. Hamid Tak yourself was in
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  America. God's dying, right?
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  And he was still chief Rabbi and he walked in and he obviously
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  was the king of the show. But he made sure, and I noticed
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  this, he made sure to agree with me.
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  He has no ham and no clue ham. I look like another guy, but
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  he's agree with the proper attention, if I remember
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  correctly, because you have to be conscious.
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  There's another rabbi sitting there.
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  I'm nothing compared to something like that.
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  Another element is sitting there, but you still need to be
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  conscious. He's there.
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  He probably gave up with his night.
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  He probably risked his class and all those things for the sake Be
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  conscious, be careful and recognize his existence.
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  It's true with rabbis and it's true to anybody.
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  If you're sitting here, you know, you're a little Lenny.
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  Go pay respects. There's someone there, and then
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  you all came and you have relationships.
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  So you basically just turn toward you.
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  Be careful. The other guy took time from his
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  day and he cares and he's there too, right?
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  These are actually both examples.
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  Happened to me yesterday. That's what they come.
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  Into my mind that's happened to me and it felt uncomfortable to
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  me. I sitting there in the front and
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  he's they're talking to me in the 2nd row.
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  Yeah. So what do you do?
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  You have to be always thinking about the people in room and try
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  to either turn towards them as you're talking to the bill, do a
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  trick that basically pulls people in because if you're
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  recognizing the whole room and you're reading the whole room,
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  you want to keep the whole room happy.
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  It's a very difficult life to live, actually.
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  It's actually an overly sense of likely, but it's a real 1.
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  You didn't come to make that person feel good and make the
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  people around you not feel good. If that wasn't your goal.
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  Your goal is to make the people there, everyone feel proper.
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  So you don't want to hurt anybody you had.
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  That thing in your backyard, you probably went over to everybody,
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  right? Right.
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  Yes. And that, yeah, in fact, I very
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  much do. I just.
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  Want to have my family over my grandkids.
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  I make sure I pay attention to everyone.
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  Yeah. You know, it's a big quarter
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  though. It's a big thing.
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  You know what happens when you do that?
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  People are happy to be there. Yeah.
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  Someone asked. In fact my wife asked me.
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  To your point, why do you think people were happy?
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  I had a middle of get together for the families and my backyard
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  is passing up the man and honor my baby.
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  Why do you think people are happy?
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  I said, I think I hope because we tried to make them
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  comfortable and because we wasn't all about, you know, T
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  owing all those words and all that sort of, you know, greedy
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  one person, not another person. There's no, you know, one
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  speaker that stole the show and stuff like that.
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  You know, you have to be cognizant.
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  I give another example. You make a share of it and you
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  can't have everyone speak too much speeches.
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  So you have one person's speech and that one person is not does
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  not recognize the fact that there are many people in this
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  room. And you know what?
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  There are many people who are behind the chevre hood.
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  And again, many people who gave up their night with the chevre
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  hood, many families got the babysitter and all these things
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  to figure it out. If you don't recognize that and
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  you ignore half the room, half the room was in a walk away
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  saying, yeah, it didn't feel so good.
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  This Hannah is all flat. Why did I do that?
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  Why did I come here? You know, right, This is life.
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  He doesn't even. And that's called recognizing
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  the room around him. And this robber's example, he
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  made sure to avoid enjoying someone else's embarrassment,
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  which means make sure to be conscious every person's
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  feeling. I just opened up a job can yaze.
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  I'm not abuserrar me, am I? Look, Badi, but talk about tea.
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  Two major items already. Lloyd Baldi.
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  We talk Petit. This is probably a lifetime job
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  and a year's worth of a class. What is this like?
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  I never was mug beat in my home. Literally the meaning is I never
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  was particular about something that happened in my home.
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  I'll give you multiple examples. For example, the class is 1.
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  They always tell you, you come home, you're ready for dinner
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  after a long day of work. And you're right.
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  You might bring the soup, right? The line that they think men say
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  and no man says this anymore. They think men say, come, come
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  on, honey, why do you burn the soup?
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  You ever heard of men say that in your life?
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  No man says that and stays married or no man says about the
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  stays in the house you want to live, you don't stay in that,
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  right? They don't say those lines, but
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  that's the line they give you as an example.
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  But the truth is there are many people who don't verbalize those
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  words that clearly just got to burn your head.
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  Yeah, yeah. OK.
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  But they have another way of getting that point across,
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  right? That's an example, an extreme
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  example, an example of Iqbal di Bitakmati.
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  That means there are many good people out there who when they
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  come home, they show frustration towards certain areas.
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  Certain people who will never show any disappointment to
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  anyone around but to their children that show
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  disappointment. Certain husbands who will never
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  show any anger to anyone around but they have a way of showing
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  to the wife that they don't have any patience.
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  These different medoth that come out in our home are examples of
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  this concept called Hikpati Petoch Peti.
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  I was particular in my house. I got nervous over things in my
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  home and the rabbi is saying my lifetime mission that we have
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  many of these examples. My lifetime mission is to avoid
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  that. One of the worst me daughter
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  person can have is they call him Matil Emma to create fear on his
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  home. What does it mean?
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  Create fear on his home? That means his wife is nervous.
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  Life is nervous to say something 'cause he might jump.
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  He's nervous, says something 'cause she might jump.
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  That's Matthew, Emma, Matiola, Ramiz.
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  You have a certain tenseness and you create because you have
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  create tendency. You create because you don't.
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  You're very particular. When someone says something, you
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  jump and say why do you say that?
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  What do you mean by that? Come on, how could you say that?
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  These reactions, we're certainly speaking our reactions, or they
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  do is they create a cloud over the home.
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  But the husband and wife cannot be real with each other.
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  Now we all know if we ever were too real, we got a real, you
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  know, back in our face. But you can't be too real.
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  I understand you can't just be, you know, everything comes to
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  your mind and you say. But to apply a sense of fear and
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  a sense of particularness is a terrible me doubt because it
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  means that people around you are nervous in your presence.
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  And what that does, it creates a ya, a fear as it was special.
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  There's only one to fear in the world, and that's God.
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  There's nobody else we should be afraid of, and we shouldn't be
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  creating fear in the presence of anyone else.
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  I don't care if you're a parent, a a father, a husband, a wife
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  that matter as well a rabbi. I don't care if you're a
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  community leader and I'm making them as who you are.
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  The sense that you have a right to create fear in other people
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  is nothing more than gava gava gava.
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  It's all made-up arrogance. And this rabbi made sure that no
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  one was afraid of him. No one was afraid.
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  Of him, hey. No one was afraid of him.
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  Why should people be afraid of you?
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  Who are you? Who are we in?
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  The old days, they were afraid. That wasn't the you were afraid
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  of the hate to you, no days you're afraid of the hate.
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  My father was something called but the father was something
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  called respect in that sense, but the fear, the tenseness to
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  might be the angry. That's all nonsense.
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  That type of fear of sketch. Go stop this.