Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1182 - The Silent Message Your Face Sends

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#1182 - The Silent Message Your Face Sends · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Today, parenting advice from Oprah's bestie and how it's going
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  Speaker 1: to help you to be a better parents. I'll do
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  Speaker 1: better tomorrow. Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, Real parenting
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  Speaker 1: solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
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  Speaker 2: We are Doctor Justin and Kylie Colson.
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  Speaker 3: What did I get promoted to Oprah's best friend?
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  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that's where you were going to go
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  Speaker 1: with that. I've got no idea what you're talking about.
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  Speaker 1: I just know what I'm talking about today.
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  Speaker 3: Hey, I've got a photo with her.
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  Speaker 2: You're keeping secrets with Oprah?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, since when.
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  Speaker 1: You saw Oprah at Madame Tussad'sman Wakes Museum, didn't you?
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  Speaker 3: It's a great photo.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's great.
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  Speaker 1: How exciting, Kylie. Today, as we always do, we review
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  Speaker 1: the week that was. We talk about our parenting experiences
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  Speaker 1: in the hope that what we've learned through our mistakes
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  Speaker 1: or by getting things right, can help everyone else to make.
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  Speaker 2: Their parenting and their families happier.
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  Speaker 3: Well, if I'm not Oprah's best friend, who's Oprah's best friends?
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  Speaker 1: You're going to find out about that in just a
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  Speaker 1: sec that's my older better tomorrow. It's coming up in
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  Speaker 1: just a sec. We do want to follow up on
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  Speaker 1: what we talked about last week though. Last week we
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  Speaker 1: described how our year twelve daughter participated in her first
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  Speaker 1: ever swimming carnival since entering high school so that she
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  Speaker 1: could fulfill her dreams of being an active and complete
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  Speaker 1: participant in everything. Year twelve, and she won everything, which
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  Speaker 1: was the world's biggest surprise.
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  Speaker 3: Well, what was even more of a surprise. She came
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  Speaker 3: home a few days later and she said, I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to district. She wasn't as excited about that as she
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  Speaker 3: was about winning.
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  Speaker 2: She's like, I'd better start training anyway.
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  Speaker 1: There's been this thing that's been doing the rounds on
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  Speaker 1: social media for some time now. It's a pretty old
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  Speaker 1: video and it goes for about two minutes. It's a
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  Speaker 1: little bit lengthy, but we wanted to share it with
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  Speaker 1: you today because it's a really nice way of underscoring
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  Speaker 1: our position on competition. That is that competition can be
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  Speaker 1: terrible for your identity if you take it as an
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  Speaker 1: inn decater of your value as a person, winning or losing.
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  Speaker 1: But if you have the right approach to competition, it
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  Speaker 1: can be tremendously beneficial.
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  Speaker 2: This is Frank Dick. Obe.
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  Speaker 1: Frank Dick is the former director of Coaching for UK Athletics.
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  Speaker 1: He's coached Olympic teams from the nineteen seventies through the
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  Speaker 1: nineteen nineties during the UK's golden years. I mean, this
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  Speaker 1: guy was a dead set a legend when it comes
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  Speaker 1: to athletic performance and competition. And Kylie, you dragged this up.
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  Speaker 1: It really spoke to you.
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  Speaker 3: I just love these first few seconds. Literally, the first
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  Speaker 3: few seconds just grabbed me because we get so called
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  Speaker 3: up in our kids needing to be better than other kids.
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  Speaker 3: But his definition and the way in which he's able
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  Speaker 3: to coach kids is just brilliant.
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  Speaker 2: Let's hear it.
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  Speaker 4: You know, one hundred years ago and I was a
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  Speaker 4: Scottish National Court so I used to go round the
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  Speaker 4: tracks of Scotland working with She's never now and again
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  Speaker 4: a little girl from this town or that town would.
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  Speaker 2: Turn up, mister Dick.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, will you coach me?
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  Speaker 4: Well, yeah, but not at the moment because I'm working
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  Speaker 4: with these people.
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  Speaker 2: Will you coach me later? Yes?
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  Speaker 3: Fine.
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  Speaker 4: She's nine years of age and she wants to go
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  Speaker 4: to run one hundred meters and I worked with her
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  Speaker 4: for a few weeks she goes to her first race.
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  Speaker 4: She lines up with another seven kids.
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  Speaker 2: Oh your march set, runs.
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  Speaker 4: Down the track, hers herself at the line, eighth out
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  Speaker 4: of eight in eighteen seconds. Comes back, Oh, mister Dick,
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  Speaker 4: I was last. No, you weren't last, Yes, it was
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  Speaker 4: you were eighteen seconds. What do you mean, Well, you've
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  Speaker 4: smashed the twenty second barrier and I had you down
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  Speaker 4: for nineteen seconds. You're a whole second first than that.
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  Speaker 4: Do you know what this means? No, this means it's
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  Speaker 4: your lifetime best performance, your own personal world record. Really, yes,
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  Speaker 4: in some ways, you're a first. What do you mean,
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  Speaker 4: she's the first athlete I've ever coached who's run eighteen
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  Speaker 4: seconds for one hundred meters. Now, listen, in a few
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  Speaker 4: weeks time, she's got another race. How does she think
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  Speaker 4: winning is? Now? If she does seventeen point nine, she'll
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  Speaker 4: grab a flag and she'll run around the track, because
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  Speaker 4: that's what winning is. Winning is being better today than
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  Speaker 4: you were yesterday, every day. And if she keeps on
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  Speaker 4: working at that, in a few weeks time, she's fighting
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  Speaker 4: with other kids to get to the line. And you
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  Speaker 4: might think yourself, well, surely winning now Frank is beating them.
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  Speaker 4: Not if it's in nineteen seconds, it's not, or we've
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  Speaker 4: killed our definition. The reason you go into tough arenas
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  Speaker 4: in life is to be challenged to perform better. You
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  Speaker 4: cannot perform better if you're not challenged.
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  Speaker 3: Listen.
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  Speaker 4: You don't learn to climb mountains in life by going
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  Speaker 4: round them or asking somebody for a ladder. You learn
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  Speaker 4: to climb mountains by climbing mountains by seeking out the
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  Speaker 4: really toughest challenges, because that makes you perform better when
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  Speaker 4: you keep on going at that one day you'll be
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  Speaker 4: a one and oner. But the truth is sure was
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  Speaker 4: is and will be.
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  Speaker 1: Kylie, how inspiring it makes you just want to go
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  Speaker 1: and climb a mountain right now, doesn't it?
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  Speaker 3: I kind of you?
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  Speaker 2: I keep up. I love Mside on the shore.
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  Speaker 3: I love that acknowledgment that he says, you don't get
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  Speaker 3: better by kind of going around the mountain. You actually
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  Speaker 3: have to climb it. And the idea that competition is
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  Speaker 3: against other people is not going to help our children.
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  Speaker 1: Like if your PB is eighteen seconds and you'll beat everyone,
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  Speaker 1: but you do nineteen you didn't run a good race.
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  Speaker 3: But other people motivate us because they give us the
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  Speaker 3: hard to work against. Without that, we don't we don't
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  Speaker 3: have anything to work with.
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  Speaker 1: Interesting story about that cockroaches. A research called Zion z
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  Speaker 1: aj onc Zion back in the nineteen sixties did these
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  Speaker 1: experiences with cockroaches. He found that when they had to
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  Speaker 1: run down a little track to get some food at
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  Speaker 1: the other end, he figured out what the average time was.
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  Speaker 3: Then you know that cockroach races are actually a thing.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Then he put an audience cockroaches there and these little
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  Speaker 1: cockroach grandstands that he made out of card stock or whatever.
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  Speaker 1: And the cockroaches run faster when they've got an audience,
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  Speaker 1: and so do we. Isn't that fascinating. It's called the
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  Speaker 1: mirror exposure effects, just being exposed to audience, I know,
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  Speaker 1: just random factoids that you learn when you study psychology.
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  Speaker 2: All right, So we're using up all of.
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  Speaker 1: Our time and we haven't even done all Do better
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  Speaker 1: Tomorrow yet, Kylie, what is your old do better tomorrow today?
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  Speaker 3: Just really short little story. A couple of weeks ago,
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  Speaker 3: I found something on my feed. It was a conversation
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  Speaker 3: that a nutritionalist was having with the idea that our
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  Speaker 3: taste buds actually change every two weeks, huh. And what's
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  Speaker 3: interesting about that is we get it in our minds
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  Speaker 3: that we don't like something. Our children specifically, they try
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  Speaker 3: something and they don't like it, and then the idea
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  Speaker 3: that they would try it again, knowing full well that
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  Speaker 3: they don't like it doesn't make sense. But I shared
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  Speaker 3: this idea with Emily after I watched it.
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  Speaker 1: So, for those who are not familiar Emily are year
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  Speaker 1: old is she eats yellow food and she eats white food.
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  Speaker 1: She's really really, really difficult to get and then she gets.
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  Speaker 3: Crazy things like cucumbers.
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  Speaker 2: And cucumbers aren't that crazy.
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  Speaker 3: Well kind of it is if you're if you're a
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  Speaker 3: white food yellow food kid, like cucumbers is really out
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  Speaker 3: of the box, and so is passion for it with
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  Speaker 3: its crunchy seeds, and she just yeah, random things. But anyway,
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  Speaker 3: I talked to her about the fact that her taste
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  Speaker 3: buds change all the time and that.
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  Speaker 1: And when you say change, you mean like the tastebuds
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  Speaker 1: that you have today will not be the same taste
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  Speaker 1: buds that you have in two weeks.
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  Speaker 3: Food of the way sells kind of like shed themselves.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, And.
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  Speaker 3: So The idea is that you would reintroduce foods at
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  Speaker 3: a regular interval because there's a chance that you might
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  Speaker 3: actually decide that you like something.
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  Speaker 2: When I was younger, I could need have a card.
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  Speaker 2: I know now I love it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, Well there's so many foods that I didn't
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  Speaker 3: eat as a child, and over time you've introduced me
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  Speaker 3: with different foods.
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  Speaker 2: Yet to get you there with oysters. Yeah, I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if I'll ever get there anyway.
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  Speaker 3: But the other day it was hilarious because there's a
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  Speaker 3: treat that I make in the house on special occasions,
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  Speaker 3: and I had some lefto from an event that I'd done,
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  Speaker 3: and she loves part of it, but not all of it,
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  Speaker 3: and so she was trying to steal some of it
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  Speaker 3: off you. You didn't want to share it with it
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  Speaker 3: because she didn't want to eat the whole thing. She
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  Speaker 3: just wanted to take part of it, and.
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  Speaker 2: Like skimming the cream off the top, that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And what was so cool about it was she
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  Speaker 3: did it and you just said, no, no, if you
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  Speaker 3: want it, I'm really happy to share with you, but
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  Speaker 3: you need to take the whole thing, not just the topping.
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  Speaker 3: And she kind of looked at you, and she went
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  Speaker 3: all right, and so she dug in. She took a bite,
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  Speaker 3: and she looked at me with these wide eyes and
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  Speaker 3: she said, I think my taste changed. And then you
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  Speaker 3: had to hide it because she wanted more of it.
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  Speaker 1: I just handed it over. I just gave it to it.
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  Speaker 1: I'm off sugar anyway. So that wasn't such a bad idea.
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  Speaker 3: But what was delightful about that was just again these
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  Speaker 3: little we just plant these seeds and help our children
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  Speaker 3: to recognize things, and in their own time and their
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  Speaker 3: own way, they will. And so that is such a
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  Speaker 3: beautiful stepping stone as we continue with our food journey
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  Speaker 3: together in helping her to recognize it. I know you
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  Speaker 3: didn't like it two weeks ago. That's okay, let's give
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  Speaker 3: it another go. So may I'll do better tomorrow. Is
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  Speaker 3: taste buds change every two weeks, and we can encourage
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  Speaker 3: our kids to try things in different ways at different times,
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  Speaker 3: and hopefully over time things will get better.
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  Speaker 1: Kylie, my old but it's tomorrow is built on something
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  Speaker 1: that Oprah Winfrey said, Well, it wasn't Oprah.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't Oprah. I'm not best friend. Yeah, it's not Oprah.
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  Speaker 1: But it was something that happened on the Oprah Show,
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  Speaker 1: and we're going back years like I don't know, I
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  Speaker 1: don't know how long ago it was, but she had
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  Speaker 1: Tony Morrison on her program, and this is what they said.
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  Speaker 5: I said, it's interesting to see when a kid walks
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  Speaker 5: in the room, your child or anybody else's child, does
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  Speaker 5: your face light up. When my children used to walk
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  Speaker 5: in the room when they were little, I looked at
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  Speaker 5: them to see if they had buckled their trousers, if
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  Speaker 5: their hair was combed, or if their socks were up.
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  Speaker 5: And so you think your affection and your deep love
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  Speaker 5: is on display because you're caring for them. It's not
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  Speaker 5: when they see you, they see the critical face. What's
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  Speaker 5: wrong now? But then if you let your face speak
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  Speaker 5: what's in your heart. Because when they walked in the room,
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  Speaker 5: I was glad to see them. It's just as small
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  Speaker 5: as that you see. That is what I think is
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  Speaker 5: so profound, because that is how you learn what your
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  Speaker 5: value is. That's right, not by what the person is
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  Speaker 5: saying to you, but what you feel.
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  Speaker 1: So Cali mild bit it tomorrow is just the wisdom
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  Speaker 1: of Tony Morrison on Oprah I've shared this in presentations
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  Speaker 1: for years. Make a bit of a joke about how
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  Speaker 1: I've got a PhD in psychology, I'm teaching parenting by
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  Speaker 1: Oprah who doesn't even have kids.
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  Speaker 2: But the real joy or the real delight that.
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  Speaker 1: I find when I hear that particular story, that particular
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  Speaker 1: piece of audio is I worked really hard. When you
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  Speaker 1: call me, I want you to hear the delight in
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  Speaker 1: my voice. When I walk into the house, I want
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  Speaker 1: you to see the smile on my face because I'm
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  Speaker 1: so glad to see you. I don't get it right
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  Speaker 1: all the time, but I try really hard to do
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  Speaker 1: that because I think that that matters. When our children
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  Speaker 1: walk into the room, I want them to see that
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  Speaker 1: joy as well. Although as we're recording this podcast, one
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  Speaker 1: of our children did walk in, and we have a
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  Speaker 1: rule that when the headphones are on our heads, nobody's
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  Speaker 1: laying to walk in, and she did not see joy
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  Speaker 1: on my face, even though we hadn't seen her all day.
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  Speaker 1: But to the extent that I can, I really really
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  Speaker 1: want them to see joy in my face when they
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  Speaker 1: look at me when I walk into the room or
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  Speaker 1: when they walk into the room. It really struck me,
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  Speaker 1: though the difference even when I'm trying with our kids,
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  Speaker 1: when our granddaughter Indiana comes into our home or into
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  Speaker 1: our orbit, when we see her, my face lights up
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  Speaker 1: in a way that it doesn't frown the kids. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm a bit embarrassed about it because I need to
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  Speaker 1: work harder with our own kids. But just the other
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  Speaker 1: day she came over for a visit. Our daughter brought
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  Speaker 1: her over and I looked at her and as soon
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  Speaker 1: as I saw her, my whole face came alive.
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  Speaker 2: It was like, this is the best news of.
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  Speaker 1: My life that you're here today and I get to
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  Speaker 1: have cuddles with you. I was just so filled with
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  Speaker 1: delight and joy to be able to see her. And
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  Speaker 1: as I reflected on it, that came into my mind,
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  Speaker 1: does your face light up? Does their face light up?
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  Speaker 1: What's going on? What are they seeing? And I thought, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm getting it right. And I was like, oh, hang on,
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  Speaker 1: that's my granddaughter. What's going on with the kids? And
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  Speaker 1: I thought, I know I'm doing a good job. I
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  Speaker 1: know I work really hard on it, but I don't
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  Speaker 1: think my face gets quite as excited as it does
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  Speaker 1: for Indie.
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  Speaker 3: And I think we're all the same though. Yeah, kids included.
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  Speaker 1: Everybody gets excited and they see indy. But my older
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  Speaker 1: about it tomorrow is just to be intentional. When you
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  Speaker 1: look at the people that you love, can they see
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  Speaker 1: how much you love them in your face? Or are
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  Speaker 1: they getting the critical face, the stressed face, the tired face.
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  Speaker 1: There's too many things to do, not enough time to
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  Speaker 1: do it, and you're not pulling your weight face.
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  Speaker 3: It's interesting that she brought up this idea of your
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  Speaker 3: critical face, even in the acknowledgment that in that moment,
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  Speaker 3: she's checking to make sure that everything's okay, they're presentable
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  Speaker 3: because she wants them to walk out feeling confident about themselves.
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  Speaker 3: So it's not even that she was angry.
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  Speaker 2: No, it's a critical face because I want what's good
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  Speaker 2: for you.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, And just the acknowledgment that that's what they
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  Speaker 3: see as opposed to what's actually in our heart and
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  Speaker 3: the intention behind our actions, even when our actions are kind. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So I love how you have just acknowledged just the
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  Speaker 3: contrast between having your grandchild walk in and how intense
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  Speaker 3: that emotion feels and our desire because words aren't the
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: essence of our relationship with our one year old grandchild
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  Speaker 3: yet she doesn't.
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  Speaker 2: It's just the feeling.
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  Speaker 3: It's the face that is, and the face means everything,
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  Speaker 3: and I just I'm such a beautiful reminder to light
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  Speaker 3: up when you see the people you love.
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  Speaker 2: Have a great weekend everyone.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: We really thank you so much for listening to the
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast. Hopefully it's giving you some inspiration, joy and.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Making your family happier.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. More information and more resources to make your
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: family happier at the Oprah Network and I'm
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Just kidding at happy families dot com dot au.