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The Villain | When Protection Turns into Control · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: In this conversation, I'm inviting you to take the next step in your story.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: And before we go any further, I want to say this clearly.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: The step in the journey is not about labeling you as the bad guy.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about shame.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's definitely not about pointing fingers.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's about understanding what happens when pain goes unhealed.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because when suffering isn't tended with compassion and truth, it often doesn't soften you.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: It hardens you.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the villain role begins.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what you need to hear right away.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: The villain role or villain energy isn't who you are.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's what happens when pain goes unhealed.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And agency hasn't fully awakened yet.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you listened to the last episode, I shared a little bit about the victim role, the place in your story where pain is named honestly.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And today, friend, I'm inviting you to take the next step in your story.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Here is where you'll find conversations where faith meets story and strategy for lasting transformation.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Amy Wicks, here to help you find wisdom and wholehearted rhythms for moments that matter most.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're learning your type or deepening your spiritual formation, these conversations will remind you that the Enneagram shines a light, but Christ is the transformation.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: The villain is someone who has learned to protect themselves and to control others rather than heal.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: The villain role or villain energy forms when fear, disappointment, or betrayal teaches you, I can't trust, I have to stay in control, and I won't let this happen again.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: At first, these themes of protection, well, they feel wise.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: They feel strong and even necessary.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: But over time, what once kept you safe can begin to harden you.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is so important.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: The villain role doesn't usually grow out of victim pain.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't become controlling or defensive or closed off out of nowhere or just because you got hurt.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: You learn it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: You adapt, and it's all about surviving without holy lament.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: There was a season in my life, and actually more than one season, but especially in the years of early motherhood, I just didn't recognize myself.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was tired and overwhelmed.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to do everything right.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly I noticed that I had become more controlling.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was rigid and less patient.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't being cruel necessarily and I wasn't intentionally harmful, but I was self-protecting from chaos and disappointment and exhaustion.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time, I thought my behavior was about being responsible.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: But looking back, I can see that I was just afraid and worn out.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's sometimes what the villain role can look like.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's not malice, but rather it's control that hasn't yet learned to trust and is being ruled by fear and exhaustion, not getting the help you need, and carrying responsibilities that were never yours to begin with.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Villain energy doesn't always look dramatic.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: More often than not, it's very subtle.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: It might sound like I know better, this is just how I am, I can't risk being disappointed again.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't stay on top of this, everything will fall apart.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Some of that sounds responsible or maybe even self-aware, but more often than not, it becomes blame, unhealthy withdrawal, control, criticism, or even emotional armor.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the key insight I want you to hear.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: The villain's motivation isn't typically a desire to destroy.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: The villain's motivation is to prevent pain.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: But protection without healing eventually costs you connection.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what matters.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Scripture never treats self-protection as unforgivable.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, Jesus met Peter after his betrayal, Paul after violence, and the gospel doesn't withhold grace from those who harden.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, the gospel offers healing.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where the Word of God can meet you with incredible tenderness.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus doesn't come only for victims, he comes for villains too.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, he meets Peter with love after the betrayal.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: He meets Paul with healing and a ministry and gives Jonah chance after chance, even after he has walked out and lived out from a place of bitterness.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to be clear, scripture never excuses harm, but it also never withholds grace from those who are willing to notice and to turn.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Repentance in the biblical sense is not about self-condemnation.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's about realignment, a willingness to soften, and a choice to let God tend to what fear has hardened.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say this directly: noticing the villain role in your life does not make you bad.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you aware.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Awareness is not punishment.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's just the first step to wholehearted freedom.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: The moment that you can see and say, oh, this is self-protection, then you're no longer trapped by it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: God is not going to shame you for the ways you've learned to survive.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But remember, your starting point doesn't have to be your step point.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, the Lord invites you to heal.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a simple reflection that you can sit with this week.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, where do I feel the need to stay in control right now?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: What am I protecting myself from?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: What fear might be underneath my response?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I have one more.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: It goes a little deeper.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: But what would it look like to soften just one degree this week and not to collapse, but to trust just a little bit more?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this is not about fixing or even confessing everything at once or digging it all up at once.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to just notice with loads of grace.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to believe that noticing is already a beautiful step towards wholehearted healing.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So when the villain energy stops working and it's a role that you want to leave, because control has become exhausting, something else is up next.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a realization, a choice, exercising agency.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the hero role enters your story.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: So next time I'm going to share about what happens when you realize that I don't have to stay here.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can choose differently.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give some insights about awakening agency and why hero moments matter, even eventually when those hero moments ask for something more.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation stirred a little discomfort, I want you to hear this.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: You are not irredeemable, you have not gone too far, you are not beyond grace, and even though protection has kept you alive, it doesn't have to lead your story forever.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: The Enneagram shines the light, but Christ brings the freedom.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can also visit simply wholehearted.com to take the free Enneagram quiz and also get your personalized podcast playlist specific for your Enneagram type.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, friend, your starting point doesn't have to be your stuff point.