Latest / CelinaSpookyBoo / It_s Time To Tell The Truth

Transcript

It_s Time To Tell The Truth · CelinaSpookyBoo

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Oh no, Selena's sitting at her desk and the title
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: of this video is rather heavy. Am I stating facts? Yes.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Am I probably going to cry during this video? Yes.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I don't want to. This is definitely a video that
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: I have been the most scared to make. It's one
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: of the things that makes me feel the most vulnerable.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: So let's jump into it. A few years ago, I
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: went to a place in London, Ontario, where they do executive... physical.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: So I knew something was wrong. Something has been wrong
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: with my body for a long time. And I've talked, um,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: kind of loosely about my health issues over the last
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: five years as things, you know, got better and got
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: worse and got better and got worse. When I first
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: started TikTok, I was probably at my heaviest weight. Now
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: I want to put a little content warning out there.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: A I talk about health and I understand that can
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: be a super triggering subject but I'm going to and
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: I need to so this is your warning if you
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: need to bail bail here I love you I appreciate
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: you for stopping by but this is an important moment
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: for me when I first started TikTok um I got
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: a little fatter really quick because um I finally made
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: this my job and after a couple months I was
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: able to like fill the cart at the grocery store
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: and go to the fast food restaurant And in my
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: brain growing up, we always celebrated achievements with food. And
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: for the first time in a very long time, I was, um,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: doing better in life, um, existing, making a livable wage.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: So I kept eating. Um, I ended up getting up
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: to just under 240 pounds. I think, I think the
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: highest I saw the scale was at 239 pounds. I
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: am just about five foot three, just a hit, just
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: a hairline, just a hairline underneath of it. Um, But
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I don't have, here's the thing, and this is where
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: people get really upset. People are like, you can be
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: fat and healthy. Yeah. Some people have the genetics for that.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Some people are built for that. I am not. So
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I have my grandmother's body type who was four foot
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: 11 and she weighed 90 pounds. Interesting. I am at
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: the weight I am now. I have gone before. You've
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: probably seen a video before where I was like, how
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: I lost 50 pounds. Yes, I was 180 something and
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: I had gotten down from that. to 39. Currently right now,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I'm sitting at exactly 200 pounds. I'm not ashamed to
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: say that. I'm not one of those people that won't say,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: I might not say my age, but I will absolutely
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: say my weight. I don't care. And I think that
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: that's something that I want to be super transparent about.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: You can see my body on the internet. An interesting
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: thing though, is when people usually see me, they're like, wow,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: you're a lot shorter than I thought you were going
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: to be, which I am. But Today, we are going
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: to talk about a massive change that I need to
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: make in my life, and honestly, I need you guys
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: to help me stay accountable, and hopefully, if you are
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: going on any journey, weight loss or not, weight gain,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: any of that, we can work together, okay? Because here
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: are the deep and dirty details. I got up to
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: that high weight. I started feeling very weird. Things were
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: not okay in my body. Two years before TikTok, I
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: had been told by my doctor that that I had
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: become a type 2 diabetic. This is something that runs
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: in my family. My grandfather passed away by the time
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: he was 50, dropped dead because of the after effects
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: of diabetes. This was really hard because at this time,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I did only weigh, I think, 190 pounds, maybe something
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: around there, maybe 187 and something like that. But what
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: bothered me leading up to this is that my doctor
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: kept saying, oh, your A1C is a little high. You
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: should watch your sugar. He didn't explain to me. And yes,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: that could be on me. And I absolutely understand that.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: But I wish you would have told me how serious
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: getting type 2 diabetes is and how it would affect
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: my life. Because what's happened in the last few years
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: has been kind of crazy. And I know there's going
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: to be people screaming at me through this camera and saying, Selena,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: oh my God, Why didn't you just stop eating? Why
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: didn't you just stop doing all of that? And I
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: think it's, I wish I had an answer. And I
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: think in a way I do, I have a binge
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: eating disorder. I have a, I have an eating disorder
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: and being a fat girl and saying that sometimes, and
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: this is crazy and I'm not getting canceled for this. Okay.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: But when you think eating disorder, you don't immediately jump
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: to fat people. You jump to, you're thinking of Eugenia
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Cooney and all of this, but both ends of the
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: spectrum completely exist. And that's something we're aware of. My
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: whole life, I found all my peace and my comfort
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: in food. When I was going through miscarriages and infertility
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: for 12 years, what filled that hole for me? Food.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: When I was a young little girl and my mom
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: got so sick And I felt like I was taking
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: care of the whole world and I didn't have her there.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: And my dad was so angry. What was the only
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: thing that consoled me? It was food. When I was
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: dealing with people being assholes in high school, it was food.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: When I was dealing with everything that has happened in
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: my life, it was food. If we were celebrating, it
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: was food. If I was crying, it was food. It was,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I'm not okay, but you know what will make me
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: feel okay? A McChicken from McDonald's. And I would eat
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: that McChicken and I would feel better for a few
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: minutes because that just set off those serotonin receptors in
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: my brain. So me and food, it's spooky. And I
• 5:23
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• 5:28
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• 6:55
  Speaker 1: I cry. I've been lucky. Because I have Chris and
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Chris is my friend. And if you know Chris, Chris
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: has dealt with eating issues as well. And she's someone
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: who I felt really safe with. And I'm thankful for her.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: But it's gotten so bad. I got down to that
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: like 189. And here's the thing. I've tried it all.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I've tried it all. And the interesting thing is when
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: I first started YouTube, I started YouTube on this weight
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: loss journey. I got down to 174 and I was
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: super happy. And that was back in like 2014, 2015.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: But I'm at a critical state and I'm going to
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: explain why. A couple of years ago, I went to
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: this healthcare center that you pay for in Canada. So
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: in Canada, our healthcare is covered. It's not great, but
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: you can pay to go to this place and you
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: get a, it's called an executive physical. So I did
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: not have a good relationship with my doctor. He was
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: an older guy. Something had happened that made me feel uncomfortable.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I moved on. I just didn't really go anymore. So
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: I decided I wanted to do this executive physical. I
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: knew things weren't great. I had been put on blood
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: pressure medication at this time. I had tried many different
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: medications for diabetes. And I don't understand what happened. So
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: the first thing they put me on was metformin. Two
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: months into metformin, I started feeling absolute feelings of impending doom.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I was having the worst anxiety I'd ever experienced, which
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: is really strange with metformin. It doesn't really happen to people.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: But I also react very weirdly to medication. Like Tylenol
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: to me will dampen anything. I am very sensitive to medication.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: It's very strange. So then my doctor decided to put
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: me on Ozempic. And now you, if you remember, then
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: you know the video of me on Ozempic. I almost
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: died on Ozempic. Not only did I have extreme gut
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: and stomach issues that I have to this day. Like guys,
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: I was pooping white. Like I, my body was not okay.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And it created unbelievable idealization. I remember I was filming
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: the Mary Bailey story. I was on the 18th floor
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: of a hotel room. And that in that moment, I
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: understood why people decide to leave. And I almost did.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: And that was the scariest moment of my life. Funny
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: thing about Ozempic, I didn't lose any weight on it either.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: It just, it did, it did help with my sugars,
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: but it was not okay for my body. I was
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: not going to probably live for much longer. And the
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: whole time I was on Ozempic, my heart rate never
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: went below 100%. 100 and when i went to that
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: executive physical and i told them that their minds were
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: blown they're like what are you doing so i go
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: to this physical and they look at my heart and
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: they i do all of the different tests they call
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: me in they sit me down and they say here
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: are your results to everything here is all your blood
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: work here are all the different enzymes for all the
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: organs and all of these here are all your tests
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: selena If you do not make a change this year,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: you are going to cause catastrophic things to your body.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: that you will not be able to repair you will
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: not be able to get back from this something big
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: is going to happen and I'm sitting there and at
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: this point I'm 190 pounds I feel okay-ish I'm on
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: my blood pressure medication which I don't want to be
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: on I was just coming off Ozempic at that moment
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: or around that time period I was like, it couldn't
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: be that bad. It couldn't be that bad. They're, they're,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: they're just saying this. Like it couldn't be that bad.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I sit in my car, I'm bawling my eyes out.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I say, I call Adam. They're like, they said like,
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I'm going to die. Something big and something bad is
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: going to happen. And all of this, I got diagnosed
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: with hypertension, which is why I was on blood pressure medication.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: So the highest level of my blood pressure medication and
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: my reading sitting in this office was still coming in
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: at 180 over 120. That's insane. That is insane. They say,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: we're going to send you to an endocrinologist. We need
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: to take a look at your diabetes and where it's
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: coming from. Cause my kidneys were okay. Other things were okay.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Like I wasn't, my type two diabetes was strange. It
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: was acting very different compared to other people. So I wait,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I'm in denial. I'm in denial because how can I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: eat what everyone else eats? Not that bad. Honestly, not
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: that bad. I do not drink anything but water. I
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: don't drink coffee. I don't, I'm not a huge sweets person.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I really don't eat that bad, but my body reacts
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: to things so differently. I'm fighting with them. I'm like, hey, well,
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: they said I have PCOS, but then I go to
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: another fertility doctor who says, actually, other than the weight
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: gain in your stomach, you don't have any cysts on
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: your ovaries. Your cycles are completely normal. We don't actually
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: think that you have PCOS. I don't have any of
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: the hair. I don't have any of these other things.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So that's a fight. I don't actually know if I do.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know. So in the midst of all of this,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I am having all these insane tummy issues. All of
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: these crazy, crazy things. If you've seen the TikTok, I've
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: been in and out of hospital. And I post about
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: it once. But when I'm in the hospital, in and out,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: I don't post about it all the time. I don't
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: like to live in that negative state. I like to
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: be a place where I make people happy and people
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: are having a good time. Okay. So I go to
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: an endocrinologist. We do all these tests. She sits me down.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: She says, Selena, you have diabetes for one reason. Yes,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: you have a genetic. You were genetically, you know, just
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: like disposed. I'm like, I'm frustrated. I say to her,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I'm frustrated. I have friends who are 400, 300 pounds.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: They suck back pop all day. They smoke all day.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: They eat candy bars all day. They're always eating. Every
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: time I see them, they're eating. They're eating off people's plates.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: They're fine. They're fine. I am eating two meals a
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: day and I am, you know, I'm making poor decisions.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: I am not going to sit here and be one
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: of those people who are on like doctor now where
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: they're like, I only eat healthy stuff. I don't. I'll
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: eat too late. I'll eat before I go to bed.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I'll definitely eat out a few times a week. But
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: it's not like I'm like gorging myself like crazy. But
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: are the decisions I'm making right for me? No, they're not.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: They're not right for me. And especially being insulin resistant
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: and having this type 2 diabetes, it's not correct for me.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: But I'm sitting across with an endocrinologist. She literally lays
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: it down in front of me and says, here is
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: the magic and you can fix this. And what she
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: says is, Selena, the only reason that you have type
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: 2 diabetes is because there is too much visceral fat
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: around your pancreas. Your organs are being smashed. If we
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: remove that visceral fat from your pancreas, Your diabetes will
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: go into remission and you will live a completely normal life.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Did I make the change? Why didn't I? No, why
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: didn't I? Why didn't I go home that day and
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: make a plan? Did I go home and make a plan? Yes,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: I did. But did I immediately fall off? Probably that afternoon, yes.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: Because the instant gratification of food won. And I think
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: what scares me, I am a control freak in a
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: good way. I have achieved everything that I have put
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: my mind to. Everything on my list. My list is
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: not done, but we have a life to live. Those
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: are going to take time. But if I decide something,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: I fucking do it every single time. Am I going
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: to write a book? I'm going to do it. I
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: want to post on social media. I do it. I'm
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: going to make a YouTube video. I do it. I
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: want to get in the New York Times. I do it.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I write the book. I go the place. I help
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: the person. I show up for every single person in
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: my life, but I won't show up for me, for
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: my health. I won't show up for my health. And
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: what blows my mind, and I'm getting mad at myself
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: and I understand that, what blows my mind is that
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: nothing matters if I'm sick. Your health is the number
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: one thing in your life. And people will get mad
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: when I talk about this and say, you're beautiful the
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: way you are. I like me. I like me. I
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: like how I care about people. I love... Who I
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: am as a person. I go to bed every night
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: knowing that I have done everything that I can for
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: everyone in my life. And I am a good friend
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: and I'm a good wife and I'm a good mother.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: And I don't feel guilt in those places. But I
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: treat me bad. My self-speak is horrible. Which blows my
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: mind because I have a man beside me who says,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: You are capable and I love you and you are
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: beautiful and you are everything. But every morning when I
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: wake up and I walk in and I go into
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: that bathroom and I go in that mirror, I go.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: What are you? How'd you let it get like this?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: What does he see? I catch myself in old videos
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: and I go, wow. And I hate that. But it's
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: not like I'm looking at myself and just looking at
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: my physical. I don't want you to confuse that I'm
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: just looking at my physical. I look at this weight
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: as a just compounded trauma. Wouldn't I want to release that?
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Wouldn't I want to let it go? And then I
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: think maybe it's that instant gratification because getting healthy is
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: going to take time. Getting healthy isn't something that I
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: can sit down and write in four months. But it is.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: It's just making a choice to choose me every day. Yesterday.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: And this is the reason for this video. This is
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: the reason for this video. This is what really inspired
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: this video. I was blow-drying my hair. And I was...
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: I watched things on YouTube. And I... It just rolls
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: into the next video. I don't know what I was watching.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: I watched a lot of TLC stuff. A show started
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: called Dangerously Obese. And it was about a woman named Molly.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Molly was 579 pounds. And she wanted to be a counselor.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: She wanted to help people. She had a son. And
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: she just wanted to live for her son. And I
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: think that's what did it for her. and she goes
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: she has the surgery seven months later she died it
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: was too late she died of cardiac arrest and I
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: remember putting my blow dryer down and I just started
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: hysterically crying and I go out to the living room
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: and I put it on for Adam and we watched
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: it and he just looked at me Because she was
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: that big, but she didn't have diabetes. She didn't have
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: this other stuff. They didn't talk about that. I just
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: said it, but I'm like, I don't want to miss
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: Remy's life. Like, I am not 579 pounds. But where
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I am, I am not okay. I have type 2 diabetes.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: I have hypertension. And my blood pressure has been elevated
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: for years. last night I was laying in bed and
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it was just the anxiety of
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: thinking about everything I take my blood pressure this morning
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: laying in bed and it's 160 over 100 that's not
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: okay like that's not okay and I feel like I'm
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: insane just saying this over and over and over again
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: to you guys and being open about this but I
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: am I am embarrassed to make this video and I'm
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: very vulnerable and I know people will run with it
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: on the internet and say terrible things But I don't
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: care because I need to change. When Remy was born,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: I got so scared. I thought I'd waited for 12
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: years and when he came, like, it would be good.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Everything would be good. But when he was born, the
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: fear in me grew for a while. Not forever. And
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: I was so scared of something going wrong. And I've
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: talked to a lot of moms since. We're like, that
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: is just mom guilt. That is just, that's how you feel.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: And then, then you're dealing with lack of sleep. And
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: I found that the only thing that calmed these like
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: insane feelings was it was eating. There wasn't time to
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: prepare meals. It was, it was hard. And now I'm
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: to the point where I look at this boy and
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: he is the most incredible, funniest person. And I know
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: he's going to change the world. And I just don't
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: want to miss it. And I don't want to be sick.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: And I don't know if a lot of people know
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: this about me, but I've been a caregiver my whole life.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: My mom got really sick when I was young. She
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: has MS, and by the time I was 14, she
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: was full-time in a wheelchair. I've grown up in hospitals,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: and I've grown up sick. Ground sickness. And then Adam
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: got his injury, and I just... People really depend on
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: me and I am not the kind of person who
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: needs to fall apart. But I wanted to post this
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: video because... I want to be held accountable. And I
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: know if I put this video out in the world,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I won't want to let you guys down too. I
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: can make excuses. Adam will... Be kind to me, which
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: I need the kindness, don't be mean. But Adam will
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: be kind to me and he understands and he sees
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: the daily struggle. But I feel like if we all
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: do this together, it doesn't have to be about weight loss.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be about weight gain. It could
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: be about any goal that you're working towards. We can
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: help each other. A couple weeks ago... mascara come back
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: a couple weeks ago um i made a mini gym
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: in my house i haven't touched it actually i did
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: touch it but you want to know why i touched
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: it i used as an excuse to eat worse food
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: because i knew if i jumped on the cross trainer
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: i could bring my sugars back down and that is
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: so frustrating to me that that's immediately what i did
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: I am not coming on here being like, I want
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: to get skinny and I want to get pretty and
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I want to do all that. I think I'm pretty.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I think I'm a cutie. I'm a cutie pie. But
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: I want to lose 50 pounds. I want to be
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: 150 pounds. I haven't been 150 pounds since I was
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: 14 years old. 14. I want to lose 50 pounds.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: and see if it fixes all the illnesses in my
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: body because I'm scared to do everything. Every time I
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: feel a little weird, I'm like, Oh God, is this, this,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: is this the moment? Am I having the stroke? Am
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: I passing out? I recently went to medieval times on
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Saturday plot twist. Um, and I went with a girl
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: with type one diabetes and we were talking about blood
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: sugar and I know it affects differently, but she gone
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: all white and she didn't feel well and she was
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: like oh I don't feel good and her insulin pump
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: kicked on and I said what are your sugars at
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: and she was 17 and I was like wow I
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: hit that every day she said what's the highest you've
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: hit 22 how'd you feel honestly okay She said that
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: she would go into like a coma and need to
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: go to the hospital and would be throwing up, throwing
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: her face off. And that made me circle back to
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: all my tummy issues that I've had all this year.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: And the doctors, you know, I've had colonoscopies. I've had
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: all this stuff done. A lot of the tests came
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: back that everything was fine. So I did research on
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: my own. It's the diabetes. It always was. my crazy
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: skin issues, diabetes. I learned that the blood sugar, the
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: blood pressure, they are fighting each other. The worse they get,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: they're both getting worse, worse, worse, worse. But I'm mad
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: because I've had the answer the entire time. It's been
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: half a decade and I'm still here. I remember when
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: I found out Remy was coming, I joined a gym.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I went to a trainer and I said, hey, I
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: need to get down to this weight before he's born.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: I need to be the healthiest version of myself for
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: this little boy. When this little boy gets here, I
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: need to show up for him. I've waited 12 years.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: He can't get here and I still look like this.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: And I weighed more than that day when he was born.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: I do need to be kind to myself, though. I
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: did leave that gym because... People were taking pictures of
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: me and posting them on Reddit fat sites. TikTokers in
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: the wild. World's really nice, isn't it? Talking about weight
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: loss and getting healthy on the internet can be a
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: very dangerous place because I am a very comfort creator
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: for a lot of people. And if you are big
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: and you are healthy, I am so happy for you.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Live your truth. But I do want to be an
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: advocate for trying to be the healthiest version of yourself.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I am not okay. And I don't want you to
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: tell me that I'm fine the way that I am
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: because I'm not and I'm going to die. And that
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: feels mean when you say that. And I know it's
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: coming from a nice place. But to me, it's not okay.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I don't want to shove it down your throat. I
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: don't want to be posting weight loss videos every week.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: I don't want to be that. But I made a decision.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make an Instagram page. Maybe a TikTok.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: But an Instagram page for sure. Where I'm going to
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: post all of this and I'm going to post so
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: fucking much and that might be irritating, but I need
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: to post everything that I'm doing. So you guys can
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: hold me accountable and we can work together and we
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: can inspire each other. I haven't even made it yet,
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: but here is going to be the, I'll make it
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: before this goes up. Here's the name. Go find it
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: on Instagram. It'll be, it'll be linked in the description below.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: The doctor told me if I lose 20% of my
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: body weight, then my diabetes would be gone, which was
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: 40 pounds. When she told me this, I think I
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: was 205 pounds. So it was 40 pounds about then.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: At 150, I want to do this experiment. Let's call
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: it an experiment, okay? Let's glow up with health. But
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: let's make this an experiment. Let's see if by 150 pounds,
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: 50 pounds, if my diabetes is gone... And my hypertension
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: is gone. I am sick and tired of looking in
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: the mirror and being reminded of all the times I
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: couldn't cope on my own. Because I am a rock
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: solid person. And again, I'm a little embarrassed making this
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: because I am rock solid. And anyone can come to
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: me with anything and I can deal with any situation
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: that you put in front of me. I am such
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: a manifester. I believe in myself. But this... Is the
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: one thing where I'm saying, I need your help. I
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: just need to flip the switch. And that is me
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: posting this video. I'm recording this on Monday. And I
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: know it's not going out until Saturday. And I'm like,
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: let's try not to fuck up all week. Because we
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: know this is coming out Saturday. Let's not use this
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: as a last. Let's not use this as an excuse.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Let's just start right now. I love you guys. Thank
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: you for being around for every version of me. I
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: know this is a version you're not used to seeing,
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: but she's me too. I love you. I need to
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: love me too. Hey you, you're still here? Well before
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: you go, don't forget to check out Free Cash using
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: the link in my description and start earning today. Thanks
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: again to Free Cash for sponsoring the channel and I'll
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: see you in the next video. Oh yeah.