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Transcript

Tatted Face Roadkill Rapist & More · Cosmic Peach

0:00
Speaker 1: Baby, I'm a game statue.
0:02
Speaker 2: It takes a little tangle.
0:04
Speaker 3: You don't mess with me.
0:06
Speaker 1: Mess with me, baby, I'm a gangstatu. Puch, baby, you're
0:15
Speaker 1: a game statue.
0:23
Speaker 4: For good warning, this podcast is designed to take you
0:26
Speaker 4: outside of your comfort zone and make you question reality.
0:30
Speaker 2: Listening discretion is a vibe talkwardly fellas, this ain't my
0:42
Speaker 2: first time at the rodeo.
0:51
Speaker 4: Mhm h, Hello and welcome.
1:04
Speaker 3: Back to the show. No shout outs today. I think
1:11
Speaker 3: I may have a clip or two forrest current events
1:16
Speaker 3: stuff I want to talk to you about, and then
1:20
Speaker 3: a little interview that we're going to be watching and
1:24
Speaker 3: listening to together. How you been, how you doing, Thanks
1:29
Speaker 3: for being here, thanks for being born, Thank you for
1:35
Speaker 3: being listeners and supporters of the Cosmic Beach podcast. So
1:43
Speaker 3: I just assume all you assholes have Netflix, even if
1:49
Speaker 3: it's like me, the seven ninety nine plan with a
1:53
Speaker 3: shit ton of commercials. Some of you out there might
1:57
Speaker 3: not have Netflix, but you'd be a rare bird because
2:01
Speaker 3: these days everybody's got everything. You got HBO, Hulu, Stars, Amazon, Prime, Netflix, Peacocks,
2:16
Speaker 3: the Gamut, and in my cousin group text, they're always
2:25
Speaker 3: as oh did you see the new Netflix? Did you
2:27
Speaker 3: see the new Net? I have a baby, Okay, Sometimes
2:31
Speaker 3: I don't see my own face in the mirror all day.
2:34
Speaker 3: All right, I'd be running a gun and doing stuff
2:40
Speaker 3: all day long. But on a rare occasion, he will
2:45
Speaker 3: take a nap for like two hours. Sometimes good for
2:49
Speaker 3: recording and editing. Also good to catch up on current
2:54
Speaker 3: events and Netflix shows. So the one in particular that
2:58
Speaker 3: everyone kept asking me about was Crash on Netflix. Have
3:04
Speaker 3: you watched Crash yet? And I think what the particular
3:10
Speaker 3: draw to this one was is because it takes place
3:15
Speaker 3: in Strongsville, Ohio, and I think the prosecutor in the
3:19
Speaker 3: case was from Cleveland, and so all my family in
3:22
Speaker 3: Cleveland was, Oh, it's in Strongsville, this girl and she
3:27
Speaker 3: did this really fucked up shit, and you gotta watch it.
3:30
Speaker 3: So I watched it. I was thinking I was only
3:34
Speaker 3: going to get to watch half during one nap and
3:37
Speaker 3: finish it on another nap. But it's like I said,
3:39
Speaker 3: he took this miraculously long too, and some hour long
3:43
Speaker 3: nap watched the whole thing in one sitting. I felt
3:46
Speaker 3: so accomplished. And I watched it so you don't have to,
3:51
Speaker 3: although you probably already have. McKinsey Shrilla. Really cool last name,
3:59
Speaker 3: she said, sounds like a like Avenger or something. Mackenzie Sharrilla, Chinchilla.
4:09
Speaker 3: This little crazy bitch seventeen years old, got mad at
4:15
Speaker 3: her boyfriend because he probably said, I ain't getna tap
4:18
Speaker 3: that ass no more because you crazy. But that's just
4:22
Speaker 3: the thing is, the crazier they are, the harder it
4:26
Speaker 3: is to get away from them. And I have seen
4:29
Speaker 3: it time and time again. This little crazy bitch, he
4:33
Speaker 3: probably just had all he could take, and he said, listen, McKenzie,
4:36
Speaker 3: I ain't tapping that ass, no mo. And she said,
4:42
Speaker 3: how about I crashed this car? How about I wreck
4:45
Speaker 3: this car? So she went from zero to one hundred
4:48
Speaker 3: in a Toyota campre, screeching down the street, crashed into
4:53
Speaker 3: her high school building, killed her best friend, and her
4:57
Speaker 3: boyfriend tried to kill her damnself, but she survived. And
5:01
Speaker 3: then she was like, oh, I got medical conditions, that's
5:05
Speaker 3: what happened. Maybe the car mout the car didn't malfunction.
5:08
Speaker 3: They tested all the shit. She stomped the gas, no brakes,
5:15
Speaker 3: no car malfunction. Zero to one hundred in a Toyota
5:19
Speaker 3: campre down the street, crashed into her high school building,
5:24
Speaker 3: killed everybody but herself. She was life flighted the fuck
5:28
Speaker 3: out of there, recovered, acted like she didn't have no
5:31
Speaker 3: recollection of what happened. I've had trauma. I can't even remember.
5:38
Speaker 3: Uh huh, you can't remember nothing. That's so convenience. Then
5:43
Speaker 3: she said, I have POTS disorder. I could have blacked out.
5:46
Speaker 3: I could have been having a medical emergency. I know
5:50
Speaker 3: people that has POTS. I'm pretty sure my aunt definitely
5:54
Speaker 3: had it. I'm pretty sure I have it, and uh,
5:59
Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure mom had it. But it's like when
6:02
Speaker 3: your blood starts to settle when it shouldn't and you
6:06
Speaker 3: get up from sitting down or laying down, and you
6:09
Speaker 3: get like stars and shit in your eyes and you
6:11
Speaker 3: get light headed and woozy, and you're like, why is
6:14
Speaker 3: this happening? It's maybe you have POTS. Mine's undiagnosed. But
6:20
Speaker 3: and actually, since I gave birth, I haven't experienced it
6:24
Speaker 3: at all, So that's a win. Maybe that got straightened
6:28
Speaker 3: out along the way. But yeah, you can pass out,
6:34
Speaker 3: You sure the fuck can. When you have POTS, you
6:36
Speaker 3: can sure the fuck pass out. The problem is if
6:40
Speaker 3: you're having one of those episodes. You don't then stomp
6:45
Speaker 3: harder on the gas pedal. If you passing out, you'd
6:48
Speaker 3: probably have zero control over your legs and ease up
6:53
Speaker 3: on the gas pedal. So that little excuse made zero sense.
6:57
Speaker 3: Whatsover I have? Oh, I could have been having a
6:59
Speaker 3: metal emergency of my pots to hoard her. I could
7:04
Speaker 3: have been passing out. Well, then why the fuck was
7:07
Speaker 3: your leg so strong on that gas pedal? Hunty the
7:10
Speaker 3: whole thing, the mom and dad of And this is
7:14
Speaker 3: why I'm telling you this story, the mom and dad
7:18
Speaker 3: of this Mackenzie Shrilla. They are trying to she got
7:23
Speaker 3: fifteen years to life, by the way, they're trying to
7:27
Speaker 3: peel it and say, Oh, she's not a bad person,
7:30
Speaker 3: she'd never do this, she'd never well, she looked like
7:33
Speaker 3: a little cunt to me, But that's beside the point.
7:38
Speaker 3: How ferociously her parents were trying to protect her from
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Speaker 3: all of this and defend her. I mean a plus
7:48
Speaker 3: for parents, And before I had a child, I never
7:52
Speaker 3: would have thought that. I thought I would have thought
7:54
Speaker 3: they were scumbags for how because there's a level of
7:58
Speaker 3: accountability you should have, even if it's your own child.
8:02
Speaker 3: Until I had a child, and I became the parent
8:06
Speaker 3: I've always made fun of. And I was sitting there thinking,
8:11
Speaker 3: what if it were my boy who did this? And
8:18
Speaker 3: unfortunately I'm the kind of parent that would say, oops,
8:22
Speaker 3: he fucked up. Still love him though, and don't want
8:25
Speaker 3: him to be in jail, even though he probably deserves it.
8:30
Speaker 3: Those parents were trying to defend her so ferociously, and
8:35
Speaker 3: I was thinking to myself, I probably did the fucking
8:37
Speaker 3: same if it was my boy. Yeah, he's fucked up,
8:40
Speaker 3: he's a little messed up, he's a little narcissistic. Still
8:45
Speaker 3: love him though, Still love him, And that's where that
8:48
Speaker 3: term unconditional love comes from. And that's a baby Daddy's
8:56
Speaker 3: always telling me, oh, you do you doing this? You're
8:59
Speaker 3: doing that. You're going to raise him to be like
9:01
Speaker 3: ed Gee, and he's gonna be like, he's gonna wear
9:04
Speaker 3: skin mask he's gonna wear skin masks, and he's gonna
9:09
Speaker 3: because you gotta You're gonna have a toxic mother and
9:12
Speaker 3: son relationship with him. You better stop it. That might
9:17
Speaker 3: be true. And if he does grow up to be Edgi,
9:20
Speaker 3: and I hope it's because he got involved with the
9:23
Speaker 3: CIA program and it's not just because I've fucked him
9:26
Speaker 3: up so bad he thinks he's gotta dig my corpse
9:30
Speaker 3: up and dress it up and put lipstick on it
9:32
Speaker 3: and wear skin masks and murder the local townswomen, hack
9:37
Speaker 3: their tits off and wear them around in a boost
9:40
Speaker 3: the A. I hope, I hope I don't do that
9:45
Speaker 3: to him. He'll become some kind of a taxidermist with
9:50
Speaker 3: heads in a freezer, just a little bit of thigh
9:55
Speaker 3: me stored in a lunch box, No big deal. And
9:59
Speaker 3: then people are gonna be doing podcasts about him, and
10:02
Speaker 3: they're gonna say, did you know that serial killer who
10:06
Speaker 3: cut taints off? The taint killer? He his mom was
10:12
Speaker 3: a podcaster who talked all about this stuff and she
10:16
Speaker 3: ended up raising him, and he was a crazy kook
10:19
Speaker 3: of a motherfucker. Could happen? I don't know. We'll see
10:25
Speaker 3: what the cards have in store for us. Something else
10:30
Speaker 3: I watched just one episode of caught my attention. Something
10:33
Speaker 3: about the Deadpool killer. Wade Wilson had tattoos all over
10:38
Speaker 3: his face. Crazy motherfucker. Now see this one. The most
10:45
Speaker 3: of the time when you see serial killers, it's because
10:49
Speaker 3: it ain't exactly as it appears. To be notorious serial
10:55
Speaker 3: killers John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Zodiac BTK,
11:03
Speaker 3: Henry Lee, Lucas, Otis Tool. I talked about the Chicago
11:08
Speaker 3: Ripper Crew. I've talked about the dating game Killer, I've
11:11
Speaker 3: talked about what was the one before that, Oh Government Cheese,
11:16
Speaker 3: Randy Kraft. You see him, Patrick Kearney, and then that's
11:22
Speaker 3: all you get. You just get a little sliver of
11:25
Speaker 3: an iceberg of the truth, the tippity topity, but you
11:29
Speaker 3: never see what's underneath. And in this case, sometimes there
11:35
Speaker 3: are just genuine and authentic psychopaths who got real fucked
11:43
Speaker 3: up in the head as children. They grew up unable
11:45
Speaker 3: to feel empathy or sympathy or compassion or any of
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Speaker 3: the regular human emotions, and they just want to murder
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Speaker 3: a bitch, strangler, rape the corpse. And this is a
11:59
Speaker 3: case of that, in my opinion. No cia, funny business here,
12:04
Speaker 3: just a regular old, genuine psychopath. And he would scam
12:12
Speaker 3: people on online dating sites, which is terrifying to me
12:17
Speaker 3: because you know, your girl don't want to be alone
12:21
Speaker 3: the rest of her life. But I also don't want
12:23
Speaker 3: to end up a victim of the deadpool killer, although
12:26
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have dated somebody with tats all over their face,
12:28
Speaker 3: so I'm probably good there. This dude, he'd meet up
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Speaker 3: with them, torture them, bash them over the head, punch
12:36
Speaker 3: him in the gut, stab slice, leave them alive, sometimes
12:41
Speaker 3: brutally rape them. And then at the very end of
12:47
Speaker 3: all of this story, he started up in the ante
12:52
Speaker 3: a little bit and he would actually kill his victims,
12:56
Speaker 3: just strangle him just because he could. Picked one lady
13:00
Speaker 3: off the street, just because she was just happened to
13:03
Speaker 3: be walking on that street, took her into his car,
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Speaker 3: drove her around, beat her, punched her, brutilated her, mutilated her,
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Speaker 3: pushed her out of the car, stabbed her multiple times,
13:16
Speaker 3: strangled her. She was still hanging on for dear life.
13:21
Speaker 3: So he put the car in reverse, ran over her
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Speaker 3: body several times like roadkill, got out of the car,
13:30
Speaker 3: checked to make sure the bitch was dead, raped her
13:33
Speaker 3: corpse when they found her body in the bushes that
13:39
Speaker 3: she had tire marks. She was practically flattened, totally brutilated, mutilated,
13:47
Speaker 3: almost unrecognizable, and he had raped that corpse. I mean,
13:55
Speaker 3: you would think running her over that many times he
13:59
Speaker 3: would have completely flat in the vagina, there wouldn't have
14:02
Speaker 3: been nothing too rape. I don't even know how he
14:04
Speaker 3: raped it. She was all smushed up and gushed up
14:08
Speaker 3: and guts hanging out and eyeballs gouged out and all,
14:12
Speaker 3: I mean, how do you even rape that? It's literally
14:18
Speaker 3: I see. That's a genuine psychopath. And then his dad
14:23
Speaker 3: came to visit him in jail. Why did you do
14:26
Speaker 3: all this? How could you? You need to make this right?
14:29
Speaker 3: You need to tell police where they can find this
14:31
Speaker 3: woman's body. And then I just did it because I
14:34
Speaker 3: could and because I wanted to. That is a genuine
14:38
Speaker 3: psychopath right there, Okay, And a lot of these ladies
14:44
Speaker 3: I got to admit, I'm so sorry some of the
14:48
Speaker 3: stunts he pulled. And they would say, well, he was
14:50
Speaker 3: real good looking. And I just let him come right
14:52
Speaker 3: back into my life and let me take the fall
14:55
Speaker 3: for robbery and doing all drugs. And I just took
15:01
Speaker 3: the fall form and I just let him use my
15:03
Speaker 3: car and you and borrow money and stay at my
15:07
Speaker 3: place for free. And like, why would it? Why I
15:12
Speaker 3: blame your mother's for not I mean, you gotta have
15:17
Speaker 3: some type of confidence in yourself that you could do
15:20
Speaker 3: better than that. And I'm no better roses. I'm no
15:28
Speaker 3: Dolly Parton or anything, Okay, I I uh would say
15:33
Speaker 3: I'm maybe maybe a solid five out of ten, okay,
15:36
Speaker 3: especially with the melted titties, the stretch marks, the post
15:40
Speaker 3: baby body. But personality might carry me to the promised
15:45
Speaker 3: land we'll see one day. But even I with saggy, flabby,
15:52
Speaker 3: melted titties, stretch marks, and uh what used to be
15:59
Speaker 3: an ass, I don't even know what's going on back there,
16:03
Speaker 3: wouldn't allow someone to come up in my space and
16:07
Speaker 3: treat me like that. I just I, how do you?
16:11
Speaker 3: How do you get to the point where he's living
16:13
Speaker 3: with me for free, He's borrowing my car and I'm
16:17
Speaker 3: filling it up with guests. He just he just got
16:20
Speaker 3: himself into a burglary incident and put all the blame
16:24
Speaker 3: onto me. I took the fall for it. I had
16:26
Speaker 3: to sit in jail because of it. He beats me,
16:30
Speaker 3: punches me, kicks me in the tank, punches me in
16:34
Speaker 3: the crotch. And he's good looking, he's got tats on
16:40
Speaker 3: his face. So I'm just gonna let him continue to
16:43
Speaker 3: abuse me, use me, manipulate me like I'm just some
16:48
Speaker 3: kind of a garbage bag human being. I really just
16:52
Speaker 3: don't understand the justification behind allowing that stuff to happen
16:58
Speaker 3: to yourself. Even if you little heavy set, all right,
17:04
Speaker 3: you don't know, you don't know how to do your
17:06
Speaker 3: makeup that good. You never had that that they all said,
17:11
Speaker 3: seem I've never had somebody that good looking pay attention
17:14
Speaker 3: to me. That wasn't a red flag to you. Okay,
17:18
Speaker 3: you little heavy set, you don't do you make up
17:21
Speaker 3: that good. You got some bumps on your face, you
17:23
Speaker 3: look kind of tore up, and you got this guy
17:27
Speaker 3: that looks tent like a ten coming into your inbox
17:31
Speaker 3: talking about can I use your car and live with
17:33
Speaker 3: you for free? And you didn't think nothing weird about that.
17:36
Speaker 3: And oh, by the way, I'm gonna get into some
17:39
Speaker 3: robbery nonsense and blame it on you. You're gonna take the fall.
17:42
Speaker 3: You're gonna go to jail for me. That's all cool
17:45
Speaker 3: because you're attractive. And when the police interviewed in me
17:50
Speaker 3: said as much, it was like, Oh, I'm just good looking,
17:52
Speaker 3: and I can get any girl I want. He couldn't
17:54
Speaker 3: have gotten this woman be cause I didn't find him
18:00
Speaker 3: that attractive and when he spoke he sounded like he
18:04
Speaker 3: had a screw loose. Okay, like the lights are on,
18:07
Speaker 3: but w's home. Not very attractive to me. But you know,
18:14
Speaker 3: if you find yourself fifteen to twenty pounds overweight and
18:18
Speaker 3: you can't do you make up that good and you
18:20
Speaker 3: never had a good looking man talk to you, it's
18:22
Speaker 3: not your fault that you felt flattered by it. But
18:27
Speaker 3: I mean, let's be real, you knew going into this
18:31
Speaker 3: mess it was not I mean that at some point
18:35
Speaker 3: there had to be a red flag raised in this situation. Anyways,
18:41
Speaker 3: that's a deadpool killer. The show's called the worst Decks Ever,
18:46
Speaker 3: and you should probably check that episode out because it's
18:50
Speaker 3: absolutely oh action packed run over corpse the tire, Mark's
18:58
Speaker 3: eyes gouged out, hanging out, raped the corpse just because
19:04
Speaker 3: he could, just because he could. Current events though, moving on,
19:13
Speaker 3: Thanks for hanging with me through that little story time.
19:17
Speaker 3: Sonic booms being heard all over the earth, distant lands,
19:25
Speaker 3: different states, sonic booms erupting everywhere. I saw a video
19:32
Speaker 3: where someone was reporting on two specifically, but I've seen
19:36
Speaker 3: quite a few videos from remote locations all around the
19:40
Speaker 3: world where people are hearing sonic booms shaking the earth,
19:47
Speaker 3: omitting some type of frequency, and where are people looking. Well,
19:53
Speaker 3: they're looking to the sky, right, something like that happens.
19:57
Speaker 3: You're looking around, you're looking up, because why they want
20:03
Speaker 3: you to look up. That's why they did this whole
20:06
Speaker 3: UFO disclosure thing. Look up, look up. It might be
20:13
Speaker 3: a UFO. They might be coming down to take us
20:16
Speaker 3: to TGI Fridays and talk about how many cuns they
20:20
Speaker 3: have and get a little blood slide from you. No,
20:24
Speaker 3: it's not. These sonic booms aren't coming from our mystery
20:30
Speaker 3: friends in the sky my opinion, and I could be
20:37
Speaker 3: just a jerk off here, but I think they're coming
20:39
Speaker 3: from underground. I think the inner Earth theory is proving
20:44
Speaker 3: itself to be more accurate every day. They have shit
20:50
Speaker 3: under the ground. People, it's under the ground. And if
20:56
Speaker 3: you're gonna sit here and tell me, oh, it's the Alliance,
21:00
Speaker 3: it's the Alliance. It's the White Hats. They're going underground
21:04
Speaker 3: and they're blowing up the bases and saving kids. They
21:08
Speaker 3: not doing that. I don't know where you got that
21:11
Speaker 3: crazy idea, but aren't wrong tho. I now see again,
21:18
Speaker 3: we can be friends and disagree on this, but I
21:21
Speaker 3: do not think that's the fuck. What's going on under there.
21:26
Speaker 3: They're about to present us a corpse. They're about to
21:30
Speaker 3: present us a dead alien carcass. They might even give
21:33
Speaker 3: us a live one. They're going to show us Hillary
21:36
Speaker 3: Clinton's lizard Puss. They're working on shit. They got these
21:41
Speaker 3: these beings, these entities underground. They're doing stuff, the sonic booms,
21:45
Speaker 3: all of it. And it ain't got shit to do
21:49
Speaker 3: with them being our friends, not shit to do with
21:53
Speaker 3: them being our friends. And the booms. People are looking around,
21:59
Speaker 3: Oh maybe it's a eightiels. They're coming. They're doing They're
22:02
Speaker 3: gonna be that. Don't stop looking up to the sky
22:07
Speaker 3: because you're not gonna find the answers there. These cave systems.
22:13
Speaker 3: These motherfuckers are in the earth. They have been for
22:17
Speaker 3: a while now, and you just be careful because they're
22:22
Speaker 3: gonna start emerging. But anyways, enough of that. We are
22:27
Speaker 3: skipping Apothecary Corner today. We'll pick it back up when
22:32
Speaker 3: I feel like it got an interview here for us.
22:38
Speaker 3: It's a lot like Kimberly's story. It's coming from the
22:42
Speaker 3: soft white underbelly. I'm going through a phase right now.
22:45
Speaker 3: A lot of interesting stories. It's a little shorter, but
22:50
Speaker 3: it's really interesting and I wanted to watch it with
22:55
Speaker 3: you guys. This one, her name is Rebecca, and she
23:02
Speaker 3: went through some crazy ass shit.
23:05
Speaker 1: You know.
23:05
Speaker 3: I interviewed a woman. Maybe I'll use it as a
23:08
Speaker 3: throwback Thursday. Her name was doctor Juliet Ingall and she
23:15
Speaker 3: went through some SRA stuff in the Laurel Canyon era
23:20
Speaker 3: in the Laurel Canyon, and it was a really incredible interview.
23:26
Speaker 3: This story kind of reminded me of hers really interesting
23:33
Speaker 3: story here, but I thought you'd enjoy it. We're gonna
23:36
Speaker 3: watch it together. I'm gonna go ahead and share my
23:41
Speaker 3: cream and all of the things. Here we go, Here
23:45
Speaker 3: we go, and we'll meet back up. We'll break through
23:51
Speaker 3: here and there.
23:54
Speaker 2: Here we go.
23:55
Speaker 3: This is Rebecca traffic and dra as a child.
24:02
Speaker 2: I enjoyed him too, And I like the attention. My
24:04
Speaker 2: mother is violent, my father was sometimes very just checked
24:07
Speaker 2: out with his addiction. So somebody's paying attention to me,
24:11
Speaker 2: Like that's such a ripe and fertile terrain through which
24:14
Speaker 2: a child can be abused, like trusting the adult.
24:22
Speaker 1: All right, Rebecca, Rebecca, where are you from originally.
24:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, I grew up in New Hampshire, south of New Hampshire, Nashua.
24:30
Speaker 2: That was where I, yeah, came of age there about
24:32
Speaker 2: left pretty quickly as soon as I could. And I've
24:35
Speaker 2: been in Alaska for a while now, and that's really
24:37
Speaker 2: my home.
24:38
Speaker 1: So the story you're about to tell is mostly in Alaska.
24:40
Speaker 2: No, it's actually in New Hampshire, Yeah, got it. Yeah,
24:44
Speaker 2: really a Boston suburb.
24:45
Speaker 1: And tell me about your family growing up.
24:50
Speaker 2: I want to say that it probably looked normal on
24:53
Speaker 2: the surface, but I also am kind of like, was
24:57
Speaker 2: it really true? What was happening closed doors was a
25:00
Speaker 2: different story. So, you know, my mother was a homemaker,
25:04
Speaker 2: my father went to work. But I think there beyond that,
25:09
Speaker 2: the normalcy ends. You know, there's a lot of things
25:11
Speaker 2: that were happening that caused me to dissociate and suffer
25:17
Speaker 2: a lot later in life. I'm sure my parents themselves
25:19
Speaker 2: came through a lot of abuse. So and I think
25:24
Speaker 2: that that normalcy on the surface, which I'm speaking of,
25:28
Speaker 2: probably caused me to feel like everything was okay. You know,
25:34
Speaker 2: like somebody's bringing in money and I've got food and
25:36
Speaker 2: shelter and clothing, and I'm going to school, so everything
25:40
Speaker 2: must be fine, and my parents are still married. But
25:43
Speaker 2: my mother had a dissociative identity disorder formerly multiple personality disorder,
25:49
Speaker 2: and she kind of juckle and hide personality. She would
25:54
Speaker 2: abuse me till I was unconscious in.
25:56
Speaker 1: Uh personality, not remember were there certain personalities she would.
26:00
Speaker 2: Shed her the ordinary personality and then the main thing
26:04
Speaker 2: that I would see she had almost like a very
26:07
Speaker 2: young part I want to say, was a child part
26:10
Speaker 2: that would be emergent sometimes that needed care, and then
26:13
Speaker 2: another very violent part. And she would come out in
26:16
Speaker 2: that violent aspect and not remember what she had done.
26:20
Speaker 2: And I think I learned to forget what was happening
26:24
Speaker 2: inside of that. So she was sexually abusing me and
26:28
Speaker 2: then my father. My father worked with a military industrial complex,
26:34
Speaker 2: luckied Martin. He was working with the CIA and ASSA
26:37
Speaker 2: through subcontracts with contracted with military, yeah, naval intelligence. So
26:44
Speaker 2: he traveled a lot, and I didn't know too much
26:47
Speaker 2: because he had a high clearance. I didn't know what
26:49
Speaker 2: he was involved with. Wasn't till he died. Five ors
26:54
Speaker 2: so twenty twenty he died, and on his deathbed he
26:58
Speaker 2: revealed a lot about the secrecy of his work. But
27:03
Speaker 2: back to my early life, he was a severe alcoholic
27:07
Speaker 2: and also sexually abused me, So there was just a
27:11
Speaker 2: lot of instability there. But I think the the story
27:17
Speaker 2: that I have today isn't just about mother, father and
27:20
Speaker 2: natal family. When I was born, I was given to
27:23
Speaker 2: my father's best friend, I call him mister E, who
27:27
Speaker 2: also worked in the same sort of deep black that
27:32
Speaker 2: my father did. He was I come to understand now
27:36
Speaker 2: through more sophisticated adult eyes, that he was a handler
27:40
Speaker 2: and he owned me from the time I was born
27:42
Speaker 2: till the time I was seven, and he trafficked me
27:45
Speaker 2: into job pornography.
27:50
Speaker 1: Why would your parents allow that?
27:52
Speaker 2: I don't know if they knew, and they that might
27:55
Speaker 2: be naive on my part. I think, especially my father
27:57
Speaker 2: probably had some idea, but I don't know. I wish
28:00
Speaker 2: I had asked him that before he had passed away.
28:04
Speaker 2: I wish I had asked, but I didn't have the courage,
28:06
Speaker 2: did you know? Because I think I didn't want to know.
28:09
Speaker 2: And Dad has gone a lot, so anything could be happening.
28:12
Speaker 2: And my mother adored this man, mister E, you know,
28:15
Speaker 2: my godfather. She thought the world of him. He would
28:17
Speaker 2: come bringing gifts, and you know he was. He was
28:19
Speaker 2: scrooming me. Trust, yes, complete and utter trust. Yeah, I'm
28:31
Speaker 2: just pausing, journeying back into that landscape and that to
28:35
Speaker 2: rein in my life. So yeah, I think with everybody
28:41
Speaker 2: enjoying him so much, I enjoyed him too. And I
28:44
Speaker 2: liked the attention. My mother was violent, my father was
28:46
Speaker 2: sometimes very just checked out with his addiction. So somebody's
28:50
Speaker 2: paying attention to me, like, that's such a ripe and
28:53
Speaker 2: fertile to rain through which a child can be abused,
28:56
Speaker 2: like trusting the adult. Yeah, so I didn't. I didn't
29:02
Speaker 2: really realize what was happening to me. And for the
29:04
Speaker 2: first few years of life, my main memories come around
29:07
Speaker 2: age three or four. For the first couple of years,
29:09
Speaker 2: I don't know exactly how he was using me. I
29:13
Speaker 2: would be gone for a few days with him. I
29:16
Speaker 2: remember going in a vehicle waving to my mom, and
29:18
Speaker 2: my mom's all excited, Oh, you're going off with your godfather.
29:21
Speaker 2: That's great. And also he had come out of the military.
29:25
Speaker 2: He was with the Air Force. He had a private
29:27
Speaker 2: plane and a pilot's license, and we flew places with
29:32
Speaker 2: other kids. I don't have my recall is you know,
29:37
Speaker 2: it's in fits and starts. Around age four is when
29:39
Speaker 2: they really start getting clear. And he would take me
29:43
Speaker 2: to events with other children that were in like concrete,
29:49
Speaker 2: cold environments. I don't know exactly where we were hypnotized
29:54
Speaker 2: and also drugged, and I don't know. I suspect ketamine
29:58
Speaker 2: or its analog, which you know, I was complete amnesia
30:01
Speaker 2: and compliance, utter incomplete compliance. So it's amazing that I've
30:08
Speaker 2: been able to have recall about any of these experiences.
30:12
Speaker 2: And with that, I want to say too, there's some
30:14
Speaker 2: element of want to know and don't want to know,
30:16
Speaker 2: want to know, don't want to know, and as of
30:18
Speaker 2: Asian and mister E died just over a year ago,
30:20
Speaker 2: and that's when like a flood of memories started coming
30:22
Speaker 2: back because it's like what it's safe to remember. As
30:25
Speaker 2: my father was dying, it was safe to remember what
30:27
Speaker 2: he had, you know, had done to me. And my
30:31
Speaker 2: mother is still alive in her late very late eighties.
30:35
Speaker 2: So I think this is just a time in my
30:37
Speaker 2: life where a lot is coming up from the depths
30:39
Speaker 2: of my psyche that I had kept and evolved forever
30:41
Speaker 2: to stay safe, and I tried to move on with
30:44
Speaker 2: my life but in the scenarios that he brought me into,
30:50
Speaker 2: I was so deviant, And I think that's why I
30:52
Speaker 2: couldn't look at this for so long, because I didn't
30:55
Speaker 2: want to believe it was true. Like how much depravity
30:58
Speaker 2: are we capable of? As humans? Was shocking. I think
31:02
Speaker 2: also because it was like, this is my family, and
31:05
Speaker 2: this happened with the people who are supposed to be
31:06
Speaker 2: protecting me and they're supposed to care about me and
31:09
Speaker 2: all of that. I'm sure you've heard this before, like
31:11
Speaker 2: how does this happen? I and the other children were
31:16
Speaker 2: raped in horrible ways, hard, horrifying rays anally, a lot
31:23
Speaker 2: of oral rape. I had a lot of idental issues
31:26
Speaker 2: and things with my jaw that I kind of wonder
31:32
Speaker 2: why there wasn't any flag at my school about the
31:36
Speaker 2: physical signs that I was having. And I think, I
31:43
Speaker 2: again that that what's coming to my mind here with
31:46
Speaker 2: you now is like I felt special, and so I
31:49
Speaker 2: was complacent with the abuse, and if you add drugging
31:54
Speaker 2: on top of that, you know you're not going to fight.
31:58
Speaker 2: I almost I feel like I almost looked forward to
31:59
Speaker 2: him coming for me, even though that's very twisted, extremely twisted.
32:04
Speaker 2: But when you're a kid, this becomes normalized. This is
32:07
Speaker 2: what the people who love you do to.
32:09
Speaker 1: You, especially when it starts at such a young age.
32:12
Speaker 2: Start so soon you don't have a chance to do.
32:14
Speaker 1: You don't know right from wrong or from death.
32:17
Speaker 2: Well, and even I think about this too as I
32:19
Speaker 2: work with my young parts that are they don't have
32:21
Speaker 2: language yet. Things happened to me before I could speak,
32:24
Speaker 2: before I could walk or talk, so that you know,
32:27
Speaker 2: sort of the odds are a bit stacked against you,
32:29
Speaker 2: and that's going on. I'm proud of the journey I've
32:35
Speaker 2: made since then. And it went on for so many years.
32:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, how long did this go on?
32:41
Speaker 2: Well, he moved on out of my life when I
32:43
Speaker 2: was seven, and that's the last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that
32:52
Speaker 2: was it. I'm too old after age seven, you're done.
32:55
Speaker 2: I think they can only use you for so long.
32:58
Speaker 2: And there might have been things going on that like
33:00
Speaker 2: be you know, something happening that I might be in
33:06
Speaker 2: a compromised position according to their mind. You know that
33:08
Speaker 2: I would tell or you know, would they get in
33:11
Speaker 2: troubles in some way? Yeah, I trying to find which
33:20
Speaker 2: way to go, and it's it's emotional. I mean, you
33:21
Speaker 2: can't tell this story without some of that. But it
33:25
Speaker 2: seems like a ripe time on our planet for this
33:27
Speaker 2: all be coming up and out.
33:28
Speaker 1: So collective can heal so much, but it gets hidden.
33:32
Speaker 2: It's so in anything, a wound that's captain secrecy in
33:36
Speaker 2: darkness is just going to fester. And I think that's
33:38
Speaker 2: part of why I'm here. It's not just for me,
33:40
Speaker 2: but for this is still going. That's what pains me.
33:43
Speaker 2: I'm fifty three. This happened fifty years ago. Oh my god,
33:47
Speaker 2: I can't. It pains me to think that there are,
33:50
Speaker 2: as we speak, children in our world that are being
33:53
Speaker 2: trafficked into all kinds of there's sex trafficking. You know
33:58
Speaker 2: about this, This is you know, you hear about lots
33:59
Speaker 2: of this, and it's my job as a survivor. I
34:03
Speaker 2: think at this point, because I've heeled so much to
34:05
Speaker 2: be able to tell the story, and I don't think
34:08
Speaker 2: people know necessarily the depravity. It's not This wasn't just
34:12
Speaker 2: my godfather and I in a back room with a camera.
34:14
Speaker 2: He was a photographer. But there was more to it.
34:17
Speaker 1: You know.
34:17
Speaker 2: I was raped with objects. I had a gun in
34:20
Speaker 2: my mouth, a gun in my vagina, loaded guns. They
34:23
Speaker 2: film that, and I wish I could unforget that, you know,
34:27
Speaker 2: I wish I could. I wish I would not remember that.
34:31
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that to traumatize your audience or anybody else,
34:34
Speaker 2: but the level of deviance has no ceiling with this
34:38
Speaker 2: kind of group. And I recognize too that I never
34:42
Speaker 2: looked at this, you know, as I kind of tried
34:44
Speaker 2: to grow up and go on with my life, bandage
34:47
Speaker 2: things up and move on. I didn't realize the sophistication
34:52
Speaker 2: and the precision and the intelligence involved in what would
34:54
Speaker 2: I would say now it be an organized crime network.
34:58
Speaker 2: It was much bigger than him, I think he was,
35:00
Speaker 2: and handle light people too. I mean, I can't say
35:02
Speaker 2: I don't know. I was a kid, but just looking
35:04
Speaker 2: at it with again the adult mind, adult perspective, there's
35:09
Speaker 2: something else going on there. And oh, I said, I survived.
35:20
Speaker 2: And this is the most I think, the tragic piece
35:23
Speaker 2: and a horrifying piece, and the piece that has caused
35:25
Speaker 2: so much dissociation for me. Children are killed in these scenarios,
35:33
Speaker 2: and I watched that.
35:35
Speaker 1: I watched them die.
35:37
Speaker 2: I watched children die. I can't forget that. And I survived,
35:42
Speaker 2: so I have to be here, they didn't all live. Sometimes,
35:47
Speaker 2: in order to program us, child's deaths would be sexualized
35:55
Speaker 2: and filmed. I don't know how they got away with that.
36:01
Speaker 1: How are they not investigated?
36:03
Speaker 2: How are they not investigated? That's my question?
36:06
Speaker 1: And you saw this happen, Yeah, can I ask how
36:10
Speaker 1: it happened?
36:15
Speaker 2: Yeah? Oh sorry, Yeah, it's okay. It's like we said,
36:22
Speaker 2: if it's held in darkness, it doesn't heal, and the
36:24
Speaker 2: wounds in a way belong to our whole society. It's
36:31
Speaker 2: part of the programming and part of the filming. I
36:35
Speaker 2: can shoot a child, say if you ever tell this
36:39
Speaker 2: is what will happen to he who kill you? And
36:43
Speaker 2: so caused a lot of causes, even as I say,
36:53
Speaker 2: at some level of dissociation, like I can see those
36:56
Speaker 2: events as if I'm far far away, up ahead, up
37:01
Speaker 2: above in the sky. Yeah, I felt that those moments
37:14
Speaker 2: almost as if I was dying, probably because of the
37:17
Speaker 2: drugs and because of a very empathetic and pathic child,
37:21
Speaker 2: like I felt myself leaving with them, and I was
37:26
Speaker 2: right close to death myself in a way. Say this,
37:29
Speaker 2: enjoy that there's some kind of hit they get off
37:33
Speaker 2: of bringing a child, particularly in the flavor of innocence
37:37
Speaker 2: in sight of that bringing them close to suffocation, strangulation,
37:41
Speaker 2: these things. Yeah, I felt like I could feel like
37:52
Speaker 2: what it was like to die. And maybe that gave me,
37:55
Speaker 2: in a twisted kind of backhand way, it gave me
37:58
Speaker 2: the ability to understand something about our spiritual nature or
38:05
Speaker 2: at a young age, that we're I believe now in
38:08
Speaker 2: adult language, I would say we are spiritual beings having
38:12
Speaker 2: immaterial experience here on earth, Like there's more to the story.
38:15
Speaker 2: And maybe those those near death experiences and and more,
38:20
Speaker 2: you know, gave me some understanding something beyond the veil,
38:25
Speaker 2: something of the mystery of our existence. Maybe that's how
38:30
Speaker 2: I have to look at it now or something. There's
38:32
Speaker 2: some silver lining in there, not that there should be
38:34
Speaker 2: a silver lining inside of this, it's it's really beyondwards.
38:40
Speaker 1: So how has this affected you as in your adult life?
38:43
Speaker 2: Hm? It was bad for a while, bad for I mean,
38:47
Speaker 2: how could it not be? Yeah, how could it not be?
38:50
Speaker 2: I I left there as soon as I could, you know.
38:54
Speaker 2: I went away and trying to pull my life together
38:58
Speaker 2: and go to college. It didn't work, falling apart with
39:00
Speaker 2: eating disorders and I was very suicidal. I never went
39:04
Speaker 2: into drugs and alcohol, but I was hospitalized with because
39:10
Speaker 2: I didn't want to be here anymore because everything I
39:12
Speaker 2: was having nightmares, and I in the nightmares that came
39:15
Speaker 2: in my teens, there would be wall to wall Florida
39:18
Speaker 2: Florida ceiling like polaroid pictures of me and sexual positions
39:23
Speaker 2: either by myself or with men as a child, kind
39:26
Speaker 2: of forgotten.
39:27
Speaker 1: Did you ever question whether these memories?
39:29
Speaker 2: I totally did. I wanted them, every bit of them
39:31
Speaker 2: to not be real, you know. I didn't want this
39:34
Speaker 2: to be any of it to be true. Yeah. I
39:39
Speaker 2: questioned it and questioned it and questioned it for years,
39:41
Speaker 2: and I just tried to put it away.
39:43
Speaker 1: What helps you determine that they were real?
39:48
Speaker 2: Well, i'll tell you something. In the last months, I said, mister,
40:00
Speaker 2: I had died just over a year ago. In the
40:04
Speaker 2: last months I've had I've been overtaken at night my child,
40:12
Speaker 2: parts that were part of me that I didn't know,
40:16
Speaker 2: and they were terrifying what they had to say, like
40:18
Speaker 2: camp coming up and out of me, overtaking my body
40:21
Speaker 2: and my consciousness. My partner was with me, Well this
40:24
Speaker 2: is happening night one night, and I said, I wanted
40:26
Speaker 2: him to film it and get this on record, like,
40:28
Speaker 2: we have to remember this, remember this, Chris, because I'm
40:30
Speaker 2: not going to you have to. This is fucking real.
40:33
Speaker 2: I can't make this up. And these child parts of
40:37
Speaker 2: me were outlining some of the memories that I already knew,
40:42
Speaker 2: but different things. How we were taken and what was
40:45
Speaker 2: done to was and they were screaming and they said
40:49
Speaker 2: they heard us, they hurt us, they heard us. I
40:52
Speaker 2: tell it now, I tell it now, I say it.
40:54
Speaker 2: I say it because it's trying to break through the
40:56
Speaker 2: programming that I'll be killed if I tell It's kind
41:01
Speaker 2: of nervous coming to your studio today.
41:05
Speaker 1: Have you told these stories before, not to this.
41:08
Speaker 2: Level and not to this depth, because more has come
41:10
Speaker 2: up in the recent months and it's brought it home anyways, Like, okay,
41:14
Speaker 2: I can't deny this anymore.
41:16
Speaker 1: Did you ever report it to law enforcement?
41:19
Speaker 2: And I've wondered about that, Mark, and what do we
41:22
Speaker 2: do decades later? Do I go to the police, the UPBI?
41:25
Speaker 2: Like who? I don't know? And it's I think that's
41:28
Speaker 2: why I started to talk about it, because I don't
41:31
Speaker 2: know that I can go through any of those channels
41:33
Speaker 2: fifty years later, right, But I can't speak at least
41:39
Speaker 2: I can speak to those to all of this, and
41:42
Speaker 2: especially for those kids who didn't make it out. I
41:45
Speaker 2: don't know. I haven't done what to do. And like
41:48
Speaker 2: I said, for decades, it was like, just put it
41:51
Speaker 2: over here, it's probably not true. I wanted to not
41:53
Speaker 2: be true. I hope this was a fucking fiction because
41:56
Speaker 2: it's so bad. I want this to end. You know,
42:10
Speaker 2: it's a miracle that I'm still here, and like I've
42:12
Speaker 2: pulled my low life very well together. That wasn't true
42:15
Speaker 2: for many years. Like I said, I didn't go into
42:18
Speaker 2: drugs and alcohol, but it became like an uber athlete.
42:25
Speaker 2: All I did was train. I was living in Colorado
42:27
Speaker 2: at the time. I was mountaineering and rock climbing and
42:29
Speaker 2: mountain bike racing, multi adventure sport racing kind of thing,
42:37
Speaker 2: socially acceptable addiction. But it was there that I found,
42:39
Speaker 2: you know, I could run away but also be strong
42:41
Speaker 2: and like I could never protect myself in those situations,
42:44
Speaker 2: but I think helped me feel steadier inside myself.
42:55
Speaker 1: You've seen therapists, I'm sure yes, I had.
42:57
Speaker 2: I did back in oh back in those years when
43:00
Speaker 2: I said you know, I was having those all the
43:03
Speaker 2: nightmares and all the night terrors and crazy things coming
43:07
Speaker 2: up at night. I wasn't therapy. But when I tried
43:13
Speaker 2: to talk about this to the therapist I was seeing,
43:17
Speaker 2: she didn't really know what to do with it. It
43:21
Speaker 2: wasn't the most successful, but I went back in other
43:24
Speaker 2: I just thought I stopped seeking to talk about that
43:27
Speaker 2: and just went in because I was a messer. Helped me.
43:30
Speaker 2: I need to talk about something. My psyche's not well,
43:33
Speaker 2: you know, I knew I needed help, and sometimes I
43:37
Speaker 2: would just sit in the therapist's office and cry, like
43:40
Speaker 2: what happened to you? I don't know, And I found
43:44
Speaker 2: other kinds of therapy. Somatic experiencing is more a newer
43:49
Speaker 2: modality that wasn't available in the seventies and eighties or
43:51
Speaker 2: nineties and helps kind of ring out unprocessed trauma from
43:57
Speaker 2: the body. So because I had such bad PTSD and
44:00
Speaker 2: panic attacks and these things, I was on a training
44:04
Speaker 2: ride in northern New Mexico in twenty twelve, February seventeen,
44:08
Speaker 2: twenty twelve, and I had a head injury quite bad.
44:13
Speaker 2: And it was after that time that also there's another
44:16
Speaker 2: like break where more memories were coming up after that.
44:18
Speaker 2: I think it did something to my brain that I
44:22
Speaker 2: don't know how to explain this. Maybe a neuroscientist could
44:25
Speaker 2: tell me what happened in that moment of collision. Did
44:30
Speaker 2: it bring things backward that we had been locked in amnesia?
44:33
Speaker 2: I think our subconscious and also the soma know exactly
44:37
Speaker 2: what's happened to us. And after that point I started,
44:42
Speaker 2: I didn't know what else to do because my life
44:43
Speaker 2: was quite painted into a corner. I started meditating, like,
44:48
Speaker 2: I don't know what the fuck happened to me, but
44:50
Speaker 2: I gotta sit. I don't know what else to do,
44:53
Speaker 2: but I have to do this. And I just started
44:56
Speaker 2: a practice where I was just working with a breath
44:58
Speaker 2: and things began to emerge from my subconscious.
45:01
Speaker 3: Now.
45:02
Speaker 2: I didn't go to meditation because I wanted that, you know,
45:04
Speaker 2: I wasn't looking for psychic information or intuitive opening that
45:09
Speaker 2: certainly happened, but I knew I needed to just sit
45:11
Speaker 2: with my experience and be brave, like what is in
45:13
Speaker 2: me that I'm so frightened of? What is this thing?
45:16
Speaker 2: So trying to access the meditation did lead to great
45:19
Speaker 2: spiritual awakening, which I never wanted wasn't seeking after that bit.
45:24
Speaker 2: It also I realize now again this is how many
45:27
Speaker 2: years later, thirteen fourteen years on, I have a daily
45:30
Speaker 2: meditation practice which I credit entirely with how well I
45:33
Speaker 2: am sitting here speaking to this now, and how my
45:36
Speaker 2: life has blossomed so much. But it also deep is
45:40
Speaker 2: a brainway state, and through that, you know, if we
45:44
Speaker 2: move from the beta brainway state through which we're speaking now,
45:47
Speaker 2: into the alpha data and so on, you can access
45:50
Speaker 2: what's in a subconscious mind and start to work. For
45:53
Speaker 2: an example I might give is working with the very
45:56
Speaker 2: young parts that don't have language, the pre verbal types
45:59
Speaker 2: of traum, well like those those sort of baby parts
46:02
Speaker 2: come up and out of me. Or I can relate
46:04
Speaker 2: to what I would call the inner child aspects I've
46:07
Speaker 2: worked heavily in my healing path with, like interfacing with
46:11
Speaker 2: these child parts, the parts that came up, you know
46:15
Speaker 2: in more recent times the last few months, wailing and
46:18
Speaker 2: screaming and writhing and making gestures like they were being violated.
46:24
Speaker 2: I didn't have control over that, but I could I
46:26
Speaker 2: can and have interface them like hey, sweetie, what do
46:30
Speaker 2: you need? I hear you, I hear you, and I
46:31
Speaker 2: see the story. And I know you suffered. I know
46:34
Speaker 2: you suffered, and you weren't the only one who suffered.
46:38
Speaker 2: What did those kids need? They need to feel safe
46:39
Speaker 2: and loved? So retroactively, I can repairent those children. That's
46:46
Speaker 2: a gift we have that in us to do that,
46:48
Speaker 2: no matter what has happened to us. We get to
46:50
Speaker 2: be the master of that or reparent, you know, give
46:53
Speaker 2: yourself what you didn't have. And I think that's a
46:58
Speaker 2: powerful kind of soul retrieval in a way. You know,
47:00
Speaker 2: we cannot kind of go back retroactively. And you know something, Yeah, were.
47:13
Speaker 1: You ever able to tell your parents ever?
47:18
Speaker 3: No.
47:19
Speaker 2: I had mentioned some sexual abuse that happened with a
47:21
Speaker 2: cousin to my mother at one point in my maybe
47:24
Speaker 2: my twenties, and she just dismissed as she wrote it off.
47:28
Speaker 2: I go, you must be just imagining that, like, okay,
47:31
Speaker 2: let's put my tongue in the water. Okay, let's got okay.
47:34
Speaker 1: And there's two children that were murdered. There was no
47:40
Speaker 1: investigation after that.
47:42
Speaker 2: I can't imagine it. I don't know, I don't know.
47:45
Speaker 2: I'm so young, I don't I don't know what would
47:47
Speaker 2: have happened. I'm not sure, and that's I guess something
47:52
Speaker 2: I will. I will always wonder about that.
47:54
Speaker 1: But you've washed it, and I think you.
47:58
Speaker 2: Know, something happens when it's almost like something. So it's
48:05
Speaker 2: beyond shocking, it's beyond human language. As we speak to
48:08
Speaker 2: this in limited crew terms. The only thing we have
48:12
Speaker 2: right right now that shatters and fragments everything in every
48:17
Speaker 2: psyche in the room is totally blown. You know, the
48:21
Speaker 2: circuits are blown, and it can cause such dissociation that
48:25
Speaker 2: almost nobody will remember. It's like there's a child gone missing,
48:29
Speaker 2: but you think of that moment of horror if you
48:33
Speaker 2: had a car accident or something. It's like, I think
48:38
Speaker 2: it can cause a lot of forgetting is the only
48:44
Speaker 2: word that comes. I don't know if that's the right word.
48:47
Speaker 2: Beyond forgetting like that never happened.
48:51
Speaker 1: It's so horrific. Yeah, I just have to ask, like,
48:55
Speaker 1: there's no way you just imagine this or created it
48:57
Speaker 1: in your mind.
49:01
Speaker 2: I suppose that's always possible, but I recall it, the
49:04
Speaker 2: body recalls it. In those child parts that came up
49:07
Speaker 2: recently threw me in such a visceral kind of shocking way.
49:11
Speaker 2: Really we're talking about that, Yeah.
49:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, were there a lot of other kids that went
49:25
Speaker 1: through similar things.
49:27
Speaker 2: It always seem like there would just be there would
49:29
Speaker 2: be a few. It wasn't like scads of kids in
49:31
Speaker 2: the room. And maybe that was to keep us from
49:34
Speaker 2: talking to each other or connecting or bonding, like keep
49:37
Speaker 2: the kind of small.
49:41
Speaker 1: I can imagine if he's doing it with too many kids,
49:43
Speaker 1: eventually one of them is going to speak up.
49:45
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And I would imagine again this is with
49:50
Speaker 2: my adult mind, more sophisticated bird's eye view, or in hindsight,
49:55
Speaker 2: they would have selected the children that would be less
49:58
Speaker 2: likely to have anybody to tell that would believe them,
50:01
Speaker 2: or it came from homes that were disturbed where there
50:05
Speaker 2: wouldn't be Yeah, there wouldn't be any safe place for
50:09
Speaker 2: them to go, and that would be like, as I
50:11
Speaker 2: was kind of, Oh, I feel special. These people pay
50:14
Speaker 2: attention to me. They some distorted mental narrative that we
50:24
Speaker 2: might have when we're very young about what's going on.
50:28
Speaker 2: And I think once they do that and they threaten
50:30
Speaker 2: you with death, you will never tell anyone.
50:34
Speaker 1: Never. Yeah, that's totally understandable. Yeah, especially after you're seeing
50:44
Speaker 1: something like what you saw, Like you're never going to
50:48
Speaker 1: say word to anybody.
50:50
Speaker 2: And that's the thing too. It does make you doubt,
50:52
Speaker 2: what is this true? Could this be a fiction? I
50:56
Speaker 2: had hopes so for so long. I do feel like
51:03
Speaker 2: there was a very high level of precision involved in
51:06
Speaker 2: this though when I look at it. Could they have
51:08
Speaker 2: covered their tracks easily? I don't know. Maybe I won't know.
51:14
Speaker 2: But more to the point is then I'm able to
51:21
Speaker 2: still be here and speak to the this issue.
51:24
Speaker 1: You see think so pretty together considering what you've been there.
51:30
Speaker 2: It's a miracle. And maybe that speaks too what I
51:35
Speaker 2: said earlier about the nature of our the soul. May
51:39
Speaker 2: bad call it the nature of the soul or spiritual existence?
51:42
Speaker 3: Here?
51:43
Speaker 2: Is there something bigger? And I said in other interviews,
51:49
Speaker 2: I think I came here to explore the belly of
51:51
Speaker 2: the beastand to be part of its undoing. If we
51:54
Speaker 2: talk about the big spectrum of I believe we have
51:56
Speaker 2: other lifetimes. In fact, that's been part of my journey.
52:00
Speaker 2: And a mother and father with the Crow tribe, you know,
52:03
Speaker 2: I have been shown lifetime's past lives with the native
52:08
Speaker 2: woman with the Crow people, and a mother and father
52:10
Speaker 2: came in in twenty eighteen and I just called them
52:11
Speaker 2: that and they were a big part of my healing.
52:14
Speaker 2: It just helped me a lot, and maybe they were
52:16
Speaker 2: those parents that I never had. But she said, Mother
52:20
Speaker 2: has alway said there's a point to why I'm going
52:21
Speaker 2: down that rabbit hole. And she said that if it
52:25
Speaker 2: happens to one person in the tribe, everyone carries the wound,
52:28
Speaker 2: and that has stayed with me. We're all holding this
52:32
Speaker 2: like you're holding so much, and you listen to these
52:35
Speaker 2: stories every day, day in and day out, You're holding
52:37
Speaker 2: a lot. You have a bigger mission, as though I
52:42
Speaker 2: think some of us come in to experience certain things,
52:45
Speaker 2: you know, before we're incarnated. I know that that's not
52:50
Speaker 2: maybe germane to how everyone understands how this world works
52:54
Speaker 2: in your audience, you know, But that's my perspective, given
52:58
Speaker 2: the sort of the psychic gates that have opened from
53:00
Speaker 2: and how I understand the bigger picture of what's going
53:02
Speaker 2: on here and we're moving through incredibly tough times on
53:06
Speaker 2: this planet. Understatement. I know, I don't have to say
53:09
Speaker 2: that everyone knows that, but maybe that's the bigger reason
53:12
Speaker 2: of why I'm still here and have been able to
53:15
Speaker 2: become well and also help other people heal And that's
53:18
Speaker 2: a miracle that I'm I'm like the classic wounded healer archetype,
53:23
Speaker 2: able to bring medicine and go down into the dark
53:26
Speaker 2: places where maybe other healers can't. I can hold that space,
53:29
Speaker 2: and you, I think, have a gift with that as well.
53:32
Speaker 1: Do you have regrets about how you handled everything? You
53:36
Speaker 1: wish you would That's a great question. Wish you'd spoken
53:41
Speaker 1: up or something I.
53:43
Speaker 2: Wish I had before my father died, if I would
53:47
Speaker 2: have asked him. I was too scared my father dying.
53:49
Speaker 2: You know, like you said, did you ever confront your parents?
53:52
Speaker 2: Did they know what was happening? I was too scared
53:55
Speaker 2: to ask my father point blank? Did you know what
53:59
Speaker 2: your best friend was bringing me to? Do you know
54:01
Speaker 2: how I was treated? Did you know this went on
54:03
Speaker 2: for years? Where were you? I never did that, I
54:07
Speaker 2: think because I didn't want to know. But to your
54:09
Speaker 2: point about regret, I mean maybe that's one of them.
54:13
Speaker 2: Minute And if I had had my stuff more together
54:18
Speaker 2: earlier in my life, could I have gone to law
54:22
Speaker 2: enforcement or something, would somebody believe me about what I
54:25
Speaker 2: had seen? But I was so young I just couldn't
54:33
Speaker 2: and I was all the programming to not tell, and
54:37
Speaker 2: that's been a really destructive thing in my life and
54:41
Speaker 2: coming back into healing, and even part of the path
54:44
Speaker 2: for me right now as we're speaking has been like
54:46
Speaker 2: I'm not responsible for my own victimization. I'm not responsible
54:50
Speaker 2: for the dust, and I'm not responsible for the perpetrators.
54:53
Speaker 2: I'm responsible for my healing and doing all I can
54:56
Speaker 2: to bring goodness to this world. Now, that's my responsibility.
54:59
Speaker 2: But to understand that I didn't. You know, there's always
55:01
Speaker 2: this I see it in clients that I serve as well,
55:04
Speaker 2: Like when there's abuse, we blame ourselves, especially when we're kids.
55:08
Speaker 2: I did it, It must have been my fault. And
55:12
Speaker 2: I've had to go back and rewrite the script over
55:14
Speaker 2: and over and over so that I can stop taking
55:16
Speaker 2: responsibility in in the ways we're speaking to in this
55:18
Speaker 2: abuse scenario, but also in little ways where where you know, oh,
55:24
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry about that thing, and that thing isn't
55:26
Speaker 2: even my fault. So just kind of reconditioning again, working
55:30
Speaker 2: with a subconscious mind, I've been able to unravel that,
55:35
Speaker 2: and that's my life is a total work in progress,
55:38
Speaker 2: but that's you know, I've been able to a lot
55:44
Speaker 2: of different avenues through which healing has come to me.
55:46
Speaker 2: And I'm an ongoing project and I'm very grateful that
55:51
Speaker 2: I have had. Yeah, just something in me stabilized. You know,
55:57
Speaker 2: my relationships with men early on challenging at best, and
56:05
Speaker 2: remain a little there's a fear of man, of love,
56:08
Speaker 2: of intimacy to some degree.
56:09
Speaker 1: You know, it's very quiet expected.
56:11
Speaker 2: But yeah, it's like, oh, I see that, but I'm
56:13
Speaker 2: working on it, you know, I see that, and I
56:15
Speaker 2: can work to recondition those beliefs that are held in
56:17
Speaker 2: the subconscious due to the abuse. Right, But it's liberating
56:22
Speaker 2: to know that I'm I'm responsible for that healing. I
56:25
Speaker 2: didn't put that there, but I can do something about it.
56:27
Speaker 2: I find that incredibly empowering.
56:29
Speaker 1: So the abuse that you had to go through sounds
56:32
Speaker 1: like child pornography with there other things that you had
56:36
Speaker 1: to go through.
56:37
Speaker 2: That's the main I want to say, that's the main thing.
56:40
Speaker 2: That's the main thing that's kind of been on the
56:41
Speaker 2: menu for me recently. There was some dark occult abuse
56:44
Speaker 2: in my mother's side of the family, which her father
56:48
Speaker 2: was a reverend, playing kind of on both sides. I
56:52
Speaker 2: would call them a bit of a black magician. And
56:55
Speaker 2: there's some very fragmented memories that I think will come back,
56:59
Speaker 2: probably more after my mother's passed away, kind of deviant
57:04
Speaker 2: things that I just need to keep sitting with and say,
57:07
Speaker 2: like is this real again? The things that look normal
57:12
Speaker 2: on the surface, but that there's other elements at play here. Yeah,
57:21
Speaker 2: I think all of the main abuses were sexual in
57:23
Speaker 2: nature and happened in the first few years of life.
57:26
Speaker 2: That impacts you for so long, And I know there's
57:36
Speaker 2: hope for us as humans as we are all kind
57:38
Speaker 2: of moving through some kind of insanity together, and there's
57:43
Speaker 2: a lot of love in my heart. I feel like
57:45
Speaker 2: too to look at mister e and the people who
57:49
Speaker 2: are involved in all this. He was he was? Was
57:52
Speaker 2: he not handled himself? Was he had a boss? He
57:56
Speaker 2: didn't mastermind this whole thing. So I I wonder how
58:00
Speaker 2: much my father and he and other men were kind
58:03
Speaker 2: of you know, what is the best way to compromise
58:05
Speaker 2: somebody film I'm having sex with a child one hundred
58:08
Speaker 2: percent half down. So in that case, it becomes less
58:11
Speaker 2: about Saxon powers. It's a it's power high hierarchy in here.
58:17
Speaker 2: And I would say a kind of black males scheme
58:21
Speaker 2: to degree that this was carried out and went on
58:23
Speaker 2: for so long and seemed to have been organized. But
58:26
Speaker 2: my point was that did these mister E and other
58:30
Speaker 2: people involved themselves experienced some deep trauma? And how is
58:33
Speaker 2: that trauma cycle ending? You know? Are we everybody's response?
58:37
Speaker 2: They're responsible for what they carried out there, one hundred percent.
58:41
Speaker 2: But also I would say, you know, if I look
58:43
Speaker 2: at how we began, my mother and father, they came
58:45
Speaker 2: from traumatized the background. So we got to end the
58:47
Speaker 2: cycle somewhere?
58:47
Speaker 1: Were there are there adults around when this was all going.
58:50
Speaker 2: On, when he would take me to these I don't
58:52
Speaker 2: know what else to call him beside events. Yes, there
58:55
Speaker 2: was other Oh yeah, yeah. It wasn't just mister E
58:58
Speaker 2: and this group of kids. There were other men there
58:59
Speaker 2: and other various different abusers. I don't remember all their faces,
59:07
Speaker 2: and maybe that's to my advantage that I don't I remember. Yeah,
59:11
Speaker 2: I always remember the weight of their bodies and the
59:13
Speaker 2: smell and just faded kind of.
59:21
Speaker 1: Yeah. And this was happening in New Hampshire.
59:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I don't know, I don't We would go
59:28
Speaker 2: at night and I don't know exactly where I don't
59:32
Speaker 2: have a vision in my mind of like the place,
59:35
Speaker 2: the street, and also where he was flying me to.
59:38
Speaker 2: Yet all you know, I don't know where. I wish
59:41
Speaker 2: I had more of those details. I don't know. There's
59:52
Speaker 2: so many things unanswered. As much as I do know,
59:54
Speaker 2: there's a lot that I don't. And maybe, like I
59:56
Speaker 2: said here too today, I think, probably in some way
59:59
Speaker 2: to my advantage, that I don't know all there is
1:00:01
Speaker 2: to know. Then the push and pull of the need
1:00:04
Speaker 2: to remember, the need to forget, I think is still
1:00:06
Speaker 2: somewhat alive in me. You know, they need to speak
1:00:09
Speaker 2: the stories. Apparently winning that's good.
1:00:13
Speaker 1: That's good.
1:00:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's hope inside of that.
1:00:17
Speaker 1: You're very strong and brave for doing this.
1:00:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, I hope it inspires other people too. You don't
1:00:23
Speaker 2: have to go through what I've been through to have
1:00:26
Speaker 2: something you might need to look at saying that to
1:00:28
Speaker 2: all of us. So you're on the human journey. We
1:00:32
Speaker 2: all go through suffering and painful things. So just I
1:00:35
Speaker 2: think whatever we've been through, deep in our core, we
1:00:39
Speaker 2: are resourced a deeply humbling human level to do business
1:00:46
Speaker 2: with whatever's happened, even to be friended. So we can
1:00:51
Speaker 2: take our lives back from the clutches of whatever it was.
1:00:59
Speaker 2: So hopefully there's I don't know, deeper inspiration to those
1:01:02
Speaker 2: people who are watching.
1:01:07
Speaker 1: Do you see what happened to you and these people
1:01:11
Speaker 1: as some evil or do you see it as just
1:01:14
Speaker 1: they were just coming They came from dysfunction and they're
1:01:17
Speaker 1: just it's.
1:01:17
Speaker 2: A you know, symptomatic of the culture that's gone down
1:01:20
Speaker 2: the wrong road. I don't have any and this is
1:01:24
Speaker 2: I find this really what's the word I'm looking for?
1:01:30
Speaker 2: Its shocking in a way to me that I don't have,
1:01:32
Speaker 2: like a big vendetta. I really don't. And maybe because
1:01:35
Speaker 2: I see the suffering inside, why I heap more for suffering?
1:01:38
Speaker 2: You know, I want you dead, I want you you know,
1:01:42
Speaker 2: I just want people to heal. I don't have any
1:01:47
Speaker 2: kind of retribution or any violence inside of me. I
1:01:51
Speaker 2: went through anger, but mostly it was directed at myself
1:01:54
Speaker 2: and self violent self mutilation in a way, or self
1:01:59
Speaker 2: self aggression. I took the anger out and probably on me.
1:02:03
Speaker 2: I don't even have much anger about it anymore. It's
1:02:06
Speaker 2: just like I think what I said rings too, is
1:02:07
Speaker 2: like I just want people to heal. And if you've
1:02:11
Speaker 2: done something that you know wasn't right, like you, not
1:02:16
Speaker 2: beyond redemption, not beyond redemption. I think the human heart
1:02:23
Speaker 2: is something we all have and we can always turn
1:02:27
Speaker 2: toward that light instead of the darkness, no matter how
1:02:30
Speaker 2: far down the path of darkness we have gone. There's
1:02:35
Speaker 2: something inside of this us like a flame that can't
1:02:38
Speaker 2: be extinguished. It's always there. I find that so inspiring. Really,
1:02:46
Speaker 2: my heart is really full that. Yeah, so thank you
1:02:53
Speaker 2: for that question. I think that was a good one
1:02:54
Speaker 2: because I don't it feels good and like spacious and airy?
1:02:57
Speaker 2: Am I am? I being that I don't have a
1:02:59
Speaker 2: lot of like I really want to harm somebody because I.
1:03:03
Speaker 1: It's a reflection how mentally healthy you are.
1:03:06
Speaker 2: Maybe, so thank you. That's a compliment. Yeah, we're hard
1:03:09
Speaker 2: to get here, toiling in my own quiet way for
1:03:13
Speaker 2: many years, and the fact.
1:03:15
Speaker 1: That you're keeping it together having gone through that, it's
1:03:19
Speaker 1: like this just shows your strength.
1:03:23
Speaker 2: Well, in my view, maybe strength garnered over many lifetimes.
1:03:27
Speaker 2: I don't know. Yeah, And like I said Peopar two,
1:03:30
Speaker 2: the work that I do with others, it's intuitive and
1:03:33
Speaker 2: even psychic in nature. I'm a bit of a psychic
1:03:35
Speaker 2: therapist in all of this is given the need the
1:03:37
Speaker 2: capacity to work with others in beautiful ways.
1:03:39
Speaker 1: What are you doing currently.
1:03:41
Speaker 2: I'm a medium, I'm an intuitive. Yeah, when I started meditating,
1:03:45
Speaker 2: so we talked about that here. Back in twenty twelve,
1:03:48
Speaker 2: I had this huge, like psychic I can't call it
1:03:52
Speaker 2: anything else but a psychic awakening, Like I started seeing
1:03:55
Speaker 2: things beyond the veil and receiving information that is very
1:03:58
Speaker 2: psychic in nature, not not maybe not possible with our
1:04:04
Speaker 2: convention on conventional understanding of reality, but nevertheless it was
1:04:07
Speaker 2: true and I eventually it just was called into doing
1:04:09
Speaker 2: readings for people because they might be having this thought
1:04:12
Speaker 2: or the other going on, and I could bring them
1:04:13
Speaker 2: information and then become a bit of a spiritual guide
1:04:16
Speaker 2: as a result, and became a healer too. I would say,
1:04:20
Speaker 2: I'm a heartseer. You know, I can see from my
1:04:22
Speaker 2: own heart. I can see what's going on in your heart,
1:04:24
Speaker 2: and we can work together to liberate that. You know,
1:04:26
Speaker 2: everybody's carried grief and wounds. A yeah, large and small.
1:04:30
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter. A lot of people say to me, well,
1:04:31
Speaker 2: I haven't been through what you've been through, but that's
1:04:33
Speaker 2: not there's no there's no hierarchy here. We've all been
1:04:37
Speaker 2: through shit. That's part of the human journey. But I
1:04:40
Speaker 2: love that I've survived and can now use use all
1:04:44
Speaker 2: that darkness that was visited upon me to bring in
1:04:47
Speaker 2: light that's powerful. And there's something at work that's bigger
1:04:51
Speaker 2: than me. Some people might call it in the universe
1:04:53
Speaker 2: or God or the quantum field. It works in mysterious ways,
1:05:00
Speaker 2: and so this is maybe I like to think. I'm
1:05:02
Speaker 2: maybe this is a tu mark. You know, when I
1:05:04
Speaker 2: say I don't know if I have survival's survivor's guilt,
1:05:08
Speaker 2: we could we could argue that for a while, maybe
1:05:09
Speaker 2: I do, but that maybe it retroactively brings something to
1:05:13
Speaker 2: to the table that I couldn't offer when I was
1:05:16
Speaker 2: a young child, to those who did not survive. I
1:05:23
Speaker 2: have to bring help now to somebody. That feels good.
1:05:28
Speaker 1: I feel sat you're doing it by giving u S talk.
1:05:32
Speaker 1: All right, Rebecca, thank you so much for sharing your story.
1:05:34
Speaker 2: Thank you, You're amazing. Thank you.
1:05:39
Speaker 3: And that is Rebecca's story. You know, I hate to
1:05:47
Speaker 3: do this because it's a very traumatic story, very interesting,
1:05:52
Speaker 3: fits in line with everything that we've learned.
1:05:55
Speaker 2: About so far.
1:05:58
Speaker 3: But audio wise, when somebody starts sounding like this. You
1:06:05
Speaker 3: need to give the bitch a glass of water because
1:06:08
Speaker 3: her mouth dry and that's sucking up the audio. I'm
1:06:12
Speaker 3: all about ASMR, but I don't want to hear that. Okay,
1:06:18
Speaker 3: she sound a little parched. Maybe get her some h two.
1:06:22
Speaker 3: Besides that, though some things that she said. People see
1:06:26
Speaker 3: missing children all the time, social media, bulletin boards, on
1:06:33
Speaker 3: the news. Oh little Sally went missing. Oh well, that's
1:06:38
Speaker 3: so sad. I can't imagine what her parents are going through.
1:06:41
Speaker 3: Imagine what the fuck has happened. It's like the Johnny
1:06:45
Speaker 3: Gosh thing. And then if you connect all the dots
1:06:48
Speaker 3: with Paul Benassi and what he said actually happened to
1:06:52
Speaker 3: Johnny Gosh, a lot of these kids that just go
1:06:56
Speaker 3: up and missing end up in Rebecca's store. And if
1:07:02
Speaker 3: that doesn't make your stomach sick, I don't know how
1:07:06
Speaker 3: else to get through to you, because if you can
1:07:10
Speaker 3: imagine it was your baby in this story that didn't
1:07:19
Speaker 3: make it out. Rebecca made it out, but your baby didn't.
1:07:25
Speaker 3: I don't know how else to break through to people
1:07:27
Speaker 3: that that is the story for a lot of these kids.
1:07:31
Speaker 3: Oh well, the Finder's Club and all this. We was
1:07:34
Speaker 3: at the park and I turned around and they were gone,
1:07:38
Speaker 3: all right. But in my opinion, a lot of these kids,
1:07:43
Speaker 3: and why nobody goes to the police and there are
1:07:45
Speaker 3: no reports on some of these kids that get used
1:07:50
Speaker 3: sacrificially in this way is because they're using breeders. These
1:07:55
Speaker 3: children grow up in cages, they don't even have a name,
1:07:59
Speaker 3: and and they're from birth raised for the slaughter. These
1:08:08
Speaker 3: are nameless, faceless children, bread and containment units. The mothers
1:08:15
Speaker 3: most likely sacrificed as well. So that's why they're able
1:08:21
Speaker 3: to get away with it for so long, because you
1:08:23
Speaker 3: might every now and again see a child from a
1:08:27
Speaker 3: loving home taken and never seen to again, like Johnny Gosh.
1:08:32
Speaker 3: But I think they learned from that. I think they
1:08:37
Speaker 3: learned there's a better way, in a less conspicuous way
1:08:42
Speaker 3: of doing this, and it's to have breeders impregnate them,
1:08:50
Speaker 3: torture them in the womb. I mean, that's the best
1:08:53
Speaker 3: way to do it because you have access to the
1:08:55
Speaker 3: child from birth and then you can kill them in
1:09:00
Speaker 3: some kind of a ritualistic way something else. She said.
1:09:06
Speaker 3: Going through something like this, I do believe opens you
1:09:12
Speaker 3: up to becoming a little bit more psychic. A mediumship
1:09:17
Speaker 3: type thing, because I have to admit to you guys,
1:09:22
Speaker 3: even with the kind of childhood I have had, going
1:09:26
Speaker 3: through serious trauma like that, not saying I'm an SRA survivor,
1:09:30
Speaker 3: but we've all got our shit. It can make you
1:09:33
Speaker 3: more sensitive to the world around you in a supernatural sense,
1:09:38
Speaker 3: and I think that's extremely accurate. You know, there are
1:09:43
Speaker 3: some people who just oh, I'm psychic, Oh I'm a witch. Well, okay,
1:09:47
Speaker 3: get your followers on Instagram, whatever. But there are people
1:09:51
Speaker 3: who have been through things like this that I do
1:09:54
Speaker 3: believe it has opened them up to having some type
1:09:56
Speaker 3: of abilities. But I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for
1:10:00
Speaker 3: in here, Thanks for sticking around. I love you. Take
1:10:03
Speaker 3: care of yourselves. We'll be back in a couple of days.
1:10:07
Speaker 3: Maybe I'll have some more current events for you and
1:10:10
Speaker 3: I will catch you on the next one.
1:11:00
Speaker 4: It's the best Mombast books in Wembasters Wembast