Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 472. Going Back to a Cheating Ex, How to Get Over Being Ghosted and Moving Cities in a Search For Love

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472. Going Back to a Cheating Ex, How to Get Over Being Ghosted and Moving Cities in a Search For Love · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to your Wednesday head Noise episode.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: So on this episode, we are doing an email head
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: noise thing We're going to do. I'm going to go
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: through ideally three. I've got three questions here that I
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: want to go through. Maybe I'll fit in a fourth,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: but I'll be thrilled if I get through three questions,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: and then of course tune in for Friday, where there
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: will be more head noise questions. Now I have been
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: banging on about I am going to do more voice
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: message questions, but Shanaia normally is the one that kind
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: of goes through them and you know, brings them and
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: sends them through to me that the voice note questions.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: And we've just been kind of like flat out the
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: last couple of weeks with the brunch, organizing the brunch,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and then organizing of course the live show and all
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: of that. So now we're finally finally settling in to
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: kind of a bit of a good rhythm of the years.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: So I will be doing voice message questions hopefully on
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Actually this Friday episode will with a voice question, So
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: if you're someone that submitted a voice question, your answer
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: will hopefully be coming up very soon. Now let's begin.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: We're gonna start with the first one. I will not
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: be giving a life update today. All is well, everything's fabulous.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Let's start with the first question. Hi, alexis absolutely love
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: your content. I've been listening on and off since the
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: start of the podcast, and I think it's the best
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: thing ever. Thank you. So, I have a very messy
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: situation I'd love some advice on please apologies in advance
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: for the long story. I actually don't think it's that long.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: So you're doing well. I've been in a long term
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: I had been in a long term relationship. It was
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: very stable, great, calm, all the qualities I love. Except
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: turns out he has a porn slash sex addiction. This
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: led to infidelity several times on his behalf, seeing sex
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: workers paying for content, looking at escort websites, contacting them. Unfortunately,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: he never opened up and was honest. I happened to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: discover all of this eventually, and it all came out.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: We attempted couple's therapy unsuccessfully, but remained together. We lived together,
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: close to each other's family, etc. I've I have been
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: really struggling to move past it all and trust again.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: It plays on my mind. I feel like I'm always
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: questioning what he's doing, where he's at checking his phone.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: It's toxic, I know. Towards the end of our relationship,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I unfortunately had cheated back with a couple of people.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Definitely not excusing any of this. I think it's a
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: horrible thing to do and absolutely out of character for
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: how I'd normally behave and the standards I uphold myself to.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I told my partner my now ex, about it all,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: and he wanted to continue to stay together and work
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: through things, but I broke it off. Well anyway, the
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: last guy I had seen before I broke it off
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: with my ex and I really hit it off more
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: than expected. I have continued to see him for now.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: By the way, yes, he is aware of the whole situation.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I've been completely honest with this new guy about everything.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I'm just filled with guilt about the whole thing and
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: moving forward. I'm thinking I shouldn't move forward with this
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: new guy due to the circumstances in how it started
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: and it being too soon to move on. I feel
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: terrible for hurting my now ex, as he was a
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: great person other than these issues. The X wants to
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: still be together. He assures me that he's changed. I
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: think maybe he has, but I really don't know. He
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: has been engaging in therapy himself and making some changes,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: but I feel it's too far gone. Now Do I
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: continue to move forward with this new guy despite the
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: circumstances around how things evolved. I really feel sad about
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: how things ended, and I really do feel bad for
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: hurting him and moving on this way. I was not
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: expecting to continue to see this new guy, but he
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: had been a great support, offering advice all of that.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Things sort of just continued on naturally, and I don't
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: know what to do. Thanks so much. You're amazing. Okay,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: so there's quite a few things that I would like
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: to say about this hectic conundrum that you have currently
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: found yourself in. Okay, the first thing that I want
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: to address is one sentence that you said in there,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: and we need to clarify this. We need to really
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: there's a few little things that you've mentioned that I
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: want to really get clear and sharp in your mind
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: so you don't keep going round and around in these
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: spiraling loops. Because with this listener advice, I often don't
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: actually tell you exactly what to do. But I try
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: and frame it in a way that you can give
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: yourself the answer. I try and raise things that maybe
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: you're not looking at in a certain way, looking at
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: things through a different lens, so you can find the
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: clarity that you need to find. Now, you said, where
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: is it, I'm just reading this thing. You said, I
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: feel terrible for hurting mine. Now, ex as he was
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: a great person other than these issues. You fucking hit
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: the nail on the head. You can be a great person,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: but a fucking horrendous partner, and that's what he was. Okay,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: So you need to get very very clear. You're not
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: judging him on how he is as person okay to
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: other people. You're judging him on what he was to
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: you as a partner, because that's all you can judge
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: him on. I don't give a fuck if he's nice
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: to everyone else. I don't give a fuck if he's intelligent, witty, charismatic, whatever.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: If he's a shit partner, he's a shit partner, and
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: that's who you're dating. You're dating him as the version
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: that he shows up as a partner. So, no, he
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: wasn't great. I'm sorry, Addiction, whatever you want to call it,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: he was shit. Okay, you still just because someone has
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: a sex addiction, if they've gone behind your back, if
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: they've lied to you, if they've potentially gone and you know,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: gotten some STI and passed it on to you because
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: they didn't want to tell you, that's fucking You're a shitcunt,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: You're a shit partner. Okay, So stop trying to guilt
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: yourself into feeling bad for him and all this stuff.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: At the end of the day, addiction or not, he
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: dragged you fucking through it with him, instead of being
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: honest from the get go saying, you know what, I
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: haven't addiction, I have problems. I really need to be
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: honest with you. I've got to work through this. I
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: need therapy, I need x y Z. And then, you know,
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: actually being that to me, I would hold him in
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: a higher esteem. I would say, you know what this
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: can't knows, you know what he needs. He knows what's up,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: he knows himself, his self aware x yzed. He chose
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: this was a choice, okay. He chose to drag you
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: through it. He chose to lie to you, he chose
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: to act upon his desires. He chose to do all
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: these things and you were the last thing on the list.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: So as far as pity, we're done. We're done. You
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: don't have to hate on him. You can be supportive
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: because he's decided to go to therapy, and I've applaud that.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: You can feel really happy that he's on a positive
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: trajectory moving forward, because he's a good person, like you said,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: but he's a terrible partner. So stop feeling sorry for
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: this person. As far as your relationship is concerned. We're
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: done all right. Again, don't have to hate on him,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: but this the pity party is over. We're all in
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: this situation. He also is an adult. He seems to
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: have acknowledged that he needs therapy. He's going to get therapy. Clap, cluk,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: clock clap. Everyone's happy. We're not feeling sorry for him anymore.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: That's done. Should you go back to him? No, is
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: my response, because at the end of the day, you said,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I think he's doing therapy. I think this. I think
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: that you're also seeing someone else. Your heart's not in
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: it one hundred percent. What you feel is guilt and pity,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: and you think he's a good person. That's not enough
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: for a successful relationship. You also had these crazy trust issues,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: and do you genuinely believe that you'll be able to
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: move forward comfortably with him having all these trust issues.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: I can't answer that question. It's like a genuine question.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: It's not you know, do you think you're seeing someone?
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: You're asking me, should I see? Should I go back
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: to my ex? Or should I stay with this person? Honestly,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: if someone if I was on the receiving end of that,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: and I was either the ex or the new person,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I would feel pretty shit if someone was arming and
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: ron between me and someone else. It's not a nice
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: position to be in, regardless of who's on the receiving end,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: you're the new guy or the ex. If you're arming
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: and iron between the two, you also now have to
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, should I be seeing anyone at this point?
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Should I have like wipe the slate clean and just
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: be alone? Because how badly can I want to be
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: with either one of them? If I'm torn? Okay, that's
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: the next question you got to ask yourself. Okay, So
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: as far as the ex is concerned, if I were you,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: not a chance would I be going back to him
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: no matter how sorry? Also, do you want to be
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: with someone because you pity them. Do you want to
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: be with someone because you feel sorry for them, or
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: do you want to be with someone because they actually
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: make your life better. They empower you, They motivate you.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: They make you feel good about who you are. When
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I look at who obviously I'm engaged, very much in love.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: But when you look at who you want to be with,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: the qualities that you're looking for are How do they
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: make you feel about yourself? A good partner makes you
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: feel empowered as an individual, makes you feel good about
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: yourself in life, makes you feel safe. They create a
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: safe space. If you're constantly thinking, oh my god, their
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: actions have caused me to not trust them. Now, I
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: don't trust them now, I think this, now I feel
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: bad for them now. This mental load mental load, mental load,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: mental load, mental load. A good partner reduces your mental load.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: A bad partner increases your mental load. No matter how
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: lovely they are. If they're increasing your mental load and
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: didn't factor you in prior to increasing your mental load,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: they're a problem and a problem that ideally you don't
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: want to have in your life. And right now you're
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: in a position where you don't have to go back
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: to increased mental load and feeling shit about yourself basically,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: So we're done with the X. If you're asking me
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: for advice, we're done with the X. Now the new guy.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: You said you had all this infidelity in the tail
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: end of the relationship, and it's not excusing it. Of
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: course that's not good. You yourself don't like being cheated on,
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: and you didn't want to cheat, so of course you
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: feel terrible about it. It goes. But what I am
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: going to say not to excuse your behavior, but it's
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: very clear again more evidence as to why you shouldn't
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: be with your ex that you have mentally and emotionally
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: tapped out of this relationship. You tapped out well before
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: it ended. That is why you went and cheated. And
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: not only just cheated because you fell in love with someone,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: but you said you saw multiple people. So this is
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: very much tapping out because you're going you're seeking an escape,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: you're seeking to get away. It's not this like, oh
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: my god, I'm torn because I'm in a relationship, but
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I'm in love with someone else. This is a different
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: kind of affair that you're having. You're having multiple affairs
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: where there wasn't emotion attached to a lot of the
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: other ones. Okay, so again not excusing it, but that
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: is the underlying reason why. Because you have tapped out
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: of this relationship, you are no longer feeling like this
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: is the be all, end all for you. So you
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: already gave yourself the answer. You don't like how things
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: started with this guy. Okay, Yeah, it's true. Sometimes it's
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: relationships start under not ideal circumstances, and this is one
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: of them. Is this a reason the reason to not
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: go forward with this new guy? No, I do think
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: that really successful relationships have come out of, you know,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: people having an affair. I'm not saying that's how it
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: should be done, but it can happen. You can fall
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: in love with the right person when you're currently in
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: another relationship. These things can happen. Not ideal, but they
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: can happen. So I don't think that is a good
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: enough reason for you to not be with him just
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: because of how it started. The guy was also aware
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: of your situation, maybe the fact that you were so
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: honest about the whole thing and where you stood. Maybe
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: he himself was like, this is going to end. This
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: is not healthy. I'm just going to be waiting around
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: until she's ready to progress. There could be a lot
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: of these things going on. Well, you have to ask yourself,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: is I'm going to judge this guy and the relationship
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: with this new guy based on the merit of what
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: I have with him? Now? We can look into the
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: past as long as we want. We can dig and
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: dig and dig and dig, But a lot of the
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: decision that we make also has to be made on
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: what are we getting out of this relationship? Now? The
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: past serves as the teacher, but so does the present,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: looking at how is this relationship genuinely? Now? Was it
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: the branch that I needed to get out of my
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: old relationship? Was it the safe landing because leaving my
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: ex and just being single I probably never would have done.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Did this guy just give me the kind of the
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: segue into exiting and now I can be alone? But
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I just look at him as a safe space? Or
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: am I really in love with this guy? Or am
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: I really the thought of not being with him really
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: like really breaks my heart? Because I don't think it
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: breaks your heart because you keep asking me should I
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: get back with my ex? So? Do you actually like
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: this guy? Maybe you do? Maybe this is a wake
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: up call and you're like, what am I doing? The
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: thought of not being with this new guy would break
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: my heart. I just get the vibe you're not into
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: either of them, and you're torn. One represents the safe
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: space that allowed you to leave the relationship, and the
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: other one represents the past and this sun cost fallacy
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: of thinking maybe I should give it another go because
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: he was a good person, which no, he wasn't. Okay,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: so be single is what I would do. But if anything,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: be with the new guy. But ideally you're gonna be
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: single because I don't see you. Really, I don't see
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: a compelling reason for you to be with either of them. Now,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: there might be one, and you haven't shared it with me. Therefore,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: you know. That's why I say you can't absolutely just
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: take my advice. But based on what you've given me
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: on paper, what I'm reading, I don't think there's a
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: good enough reason for you to be anything other than alone,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: single and just healing, repairing, building up like your ability
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: to trust other people after going through that shit show
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: with your ex and then re entering another relationship in
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: a healthy way. If your answer to that is like,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: oh my god, there's nowhere I could leave the new
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: guy that I'm with, then maybe you are in love
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: with him more than you realize. But if you're in
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: this back and forth between him and your ex, him
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: and your ex, him and your ex, I would go none.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: You deserve you deserve clarity for yourself and this new
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: guy also deserves and you're expert for your x fox
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: you ever said what about But the new guy also
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: deserves to be a priority as well. Okay, probably used
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: to not being the priority because this was you know,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: this came, this was born, the relation was born out
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: of an affair. But everyone in a relationship deserves to
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: be the priority of the other person. And if you
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: think you can't give that to this new guy, I
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be with him. He deserves better. You deserve better,
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: and your ex deserves therapy in a good way, not
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: as an insult. Actually deserves therapy. Okay, Hopefully that helped.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: Hopefully that gave you some clarity. Hopefully you're able to
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: be like, yeah, okay, I need yeah, I need to
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: ask myself these hard questions so I can move on
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: in the most kind of productive way possible. Good times.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Next one, Wait, I need a sip of my coffee,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: which has now gone cold. Well, there's nothing worse than
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: cold coffee. Well, if you have an iced coffee, divine,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: but a warm coffee that's gone cold not okay, okay,
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Next question that the title is anxious attachment and walking
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: away from emotional limbo love the title, Hi, Alexis you
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: mentioned your name, but I'm not going to give you
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: the name. I'm not going to say the name. I'm
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: a first time listener. I found your podcast on Spotify.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: Were looking for something to help me out through what
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: I'm dealing with. A little about me, I like to
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: think I'm quite self aware. I have an anxious attachment style,
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: and I've realized that in relationships, I don't always fall
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: in love with the person as much as I fall
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: in love with the feeling of being loved totally. When
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: someone pulls away or leaves, I struggle with abandonment and
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: feelings of not being good enough. I recently moved back
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: to my hometown and started a new job. On my
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: very first day, I met someone who was my supervisor.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I was instantly attracted to him. Not ideal, I know.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Things became flirty, small touches, looks, and him checking in
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: on me When I was stressed. I wasn't looking for
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: anything serious, but there was definitely chemistry. He gave me
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: his number and we started spending a lot of time together, breakfast, lunches, dinners,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: and eventually we were sleeping together. The chemistry felt strong
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: and everything felt easy. I later left the job because
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: it was very full on and I wasn't getting much
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: work life balance, but we continued to see each other.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: We even went on a small trip together, and everything
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: felt great until we got back. From that point on,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I felt a shift. He became distant. When I tried
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: to talk about it, he would say he was busy
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: or tired, which I tried to be understanding about. But
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: we started spending less time together. I would message, asking
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: him how his day was, and he would reply very
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: briefly and rarely ask about mine. He stopped making plans,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: stopped initiating, and left me feeling like I was always
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: the one reaching out. This made me feel anxious, unwanted,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: and unsure of where I stood. I constantly felt like
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: I was waiting, guessing, and trying to read between the lines.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: When I tried to communicate how I was feeling, he
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: would tell me to quote, stop or leave it, or
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: sometimes wouldn't reply at all, which felt like silent treatment.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: It is silent treatment if someone's not replying to you.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Instead of feeling heard or reassured, I felt dismissed, confused,
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: and emotionally worn down. I started doubting myself and questioning
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: whether I was too much just for wanting basic clarity
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: and connection. I had a constant gut feeling that he
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: didn't really want to see me anymore, but he also
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: wouldn't clearly say that. This gray area kept me emotionally stuck,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: still attached, but not actually being chosen. Eventually we had
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: an argument, and I'm now told him that I don't
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: want any further contact. I'm just wanting your perspective on
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: this and why it affected me so deeply, and how
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: I can move forward heal and avoid ending up in
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: something like this again. Thank you so much for what
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: you're doing, for creating such a supportive space. Okay, great question,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: and I can't I can't emphasize enough how many people
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: have gone through something very similar to what you've gone through.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: I have so many people have and it is just awful.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: And the reason Okay you ask, I'm wanting perspective on
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: why this has affected me so deeply because it was
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: a breakup. It was a breakup. You were broken up with.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: You might have said I don't want contact. But when
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: someone kind of ices you out in that way, that
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: is their way. That is such a cowardly like coward, cowardy, embarrassing, dud,
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: wet piece of bread, wheyh of breaking up with someone. Okay,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: so for whatever reason, he didn't want to be with
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: you anymore. People are entitled to their own emotions. People
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: are entitled to feel that way. There's nothing wrong with that.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: It hurts you, but that's okay. Someone can say I
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: don't want to be with you anymore. I've seen, you know,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: certain things in our dynamic that made me realize this
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: is not what I need in a relationship. Or maybe
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: i've just for whatever reason, it might hurt, but it's okay.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Someone can decide not to be with you. But when
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: they do that and they kind of ic you out
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: and start to you know that ghost you or they're
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: giving you absolutely the dregs of their attention just to
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: keep you up baby, because they don't want to look
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: you in the eye. They don't want to say I
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: have come to the realization that I just am not
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: into you anymore, that I can't do this anymore, that
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: whatever that is the cowards way out, But that is
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: then breaking up with you, And it's so cowardly, so
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: cowardly because they do it, so you break up with
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: them like it is. Do you know what I can
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: guarantee you right now? It hurts a lot, But when
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: someone behaves like that, once you're over it, you will
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: look back and you will get such an ick, such
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: an ick that it will be satisfying when you can
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: get an ick from someone that once broke your heart.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: And then you look back and be like, woola, I
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: can't believe I actually fell for that shit. You're gonna
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: feel so fucking good and so empowered because there is
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: nothing more unattractive then. And I'm not saying a man,
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: because this guy was a man, but a person, but
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: in this scenario, a fucking man who can't be a
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: fucking man and say, listen, it's not working out whatever
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: to be such a weak dog to string you along,
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: and then you are the one that has to pull
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: the pin when they've done all the shit in the
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: leader and you're the one that still has to have
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: the hard conversation when they're the ones that need to
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: have the hard conversation but can't bring themselves to it. Disgusting, Okay, disgusting,
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: you're weak dog. Okay, so you don't want to update that.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: You don't want to that weak energy. But the reason
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: you're so hurt is because he broke your heart. Okay,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: you are. You got broken up with emotionally, that's why
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: you're hurting, and it's perfectly normal to feel that way.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I also don't want you thinking that because you're probably
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: in this situation being like, why am I so hurt?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Why am I feeling this way? You were in love?
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: You act like you weren't, but you were. You're saying, oh,
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: you know, it just felt convenient. It just felt like
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: you felt him. There's nothing wrong with that. I think
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: once you can start owning and admitting your emotions, you
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: will start to be way more empowered and you'll be
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: way more in control off the rest of your life
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: and how you're going to deal with things moving forward.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: to say I fell in love with this guy. And
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: when you can own it, then everything starts making more
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: sense of course things hurt. You liked the guy, you
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: went on trips together, you were sleeping together. There was chemistry.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: It was ticking all the boxes, and it sounds good.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: It sounded like fun. I was reading and I'm like,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: this sounds great. Nothing wrong with it. Okay, the caunt
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: doesn't know how to communicate, and so that that's why
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: you were in this position. Another reason why it's so
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: painful is because it's stretched out of not only did
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: he not want to be with you, but he did
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: it in a way where you were feeling like bottom
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: of the barrel in his list of priorities. When someone
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: does that in future, okay, you have to learn to
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: read people based on interactions you've had in the past.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: That's how we learn, that's how we get wiser, based
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: on the road bumps and shit that we've had in
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: our time, or based on seeing and happen to other people,
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: or hopefully my podcast helping you see these things as well.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: But you will have that knowledge now that maybe you
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: didn't have before, and you will start to see it
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: coming a mile away. If someone was to do that
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: to you again, trust me, you will still hurt, but
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: you'll be able to walk away. With your fucking head
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: held high way earlier. And the reason for that is
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: because instead of being rejected once, you allow yourself to
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: be rejected multiple times by the same person. That is
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: why it hurts so much, because you are setting yourself
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: up to be rejected and you get rejected. You set
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: yourself up again to be rejected, and you get rejected.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: So you're saying, this is my worth, and then they're
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: rejecting bank. This is the again, again again. You will
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: start to feel better when someone rejects you. Don't give
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: them the chance to reject you again. It's done, okay.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: If I have to double triple text you, we're done. Okay.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: If you then want to come crawling back and you
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: demonstrate through your actions that you're a changed person, I
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: might give you another chance, and that's okay. I might
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: if I'm in the mood, But stop giving people the
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: chance to reject you multiple times. Stop it. So you've
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: got to say to yourself. You have to tell yourself,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I am done allowing people to reject me multiple times. Okay,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: they do it once, I might give them another chance,
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: but nobody, nobody who's into someone forgets to reply. They
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: might take hours because they genuinely might be tied up
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: with something. But you'll know straight away because if someone
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: if someone's into me and they forget to reply for
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: a few hours, trust me, when they get home, they're
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: thinking about me, and they're going to send me a
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: message being like, oh my god, today I've got slam
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: blah blah blahlah blah. They'll tell me about the day,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: and then this is the key, key indicated that they're
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: into me. They're going to ask me a question about myself. Okay,
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: that's it. Simple. Humans are fucking simple creatures. So all
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: you have to say to yourself is how genuinely are
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: they message. If you've got this crazy anxiety building up
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: based on how they replied, that's instinct. Okay, we talk
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: about the difference between anxious and instinct. That's you knowing
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: this person's not into me anymore. And I felt really rejected,
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: and I feel like the only way I'm going to
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: feel better is if that same person who hurt me
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: makes me feel better again. But we need to stop
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: playing that narrative. We can't say to ourselves the person
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: who hurt me has to make me feel better. No,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: the person who hurt me has shown me a very
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: important piece of information. I have to be the one
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: to make myself feel better again. That's the cycle you've
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: got to break. When you've anxiously attached, when you're securely attached,
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: when you're when you've got insecure attachment. For all attachment styles,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: you have to tell yourself, if someone hurts me, it
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: is not their job to make me feel better. That way,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: we stop seeking closure from that individual. That way, we
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: stop seeking that we get into that rhythm, that loop
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: that feeds itself of seeking validation from the individual that's
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: taking away our validation. You have to provide that for yourself.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: So next time, like you said, next time, if this
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: happens to you again, the moment you see that you've
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: already experienced it. You know what it looks like. The
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: moment someone pulls away, stops messaging you as much. It's
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: been three days in a row where you feel like,
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm the only one
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: messaging me, and they're giving me the dregs and they're
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: not asking me anything. Stop messaging. Simple, you don't have
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: to pull them up, you don't have to ask them,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: you don't have to have just stop messaging them, and
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: if a few days goes by and they haven't messaged you,
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: then you can send them. You can either keep going
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: as you're going. But I think a lot of people
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: like to have a final whatever. That's when you send
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: a message saying, just for the record, it was great
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: the time we spent together wherever this weak energy I'm
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: not about. If you can't communicate, thank you for letting
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: me know based on your lack of communication, have a
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: good life, not interested, and you end it. Okay, that
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: is what you do. You're gonna feel fucking empowered. And
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: you might think, oh, but what if they're having a
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: bad day, Fuck off? Fuck off with those thoughts. People
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: have their phones in their hands all the time, more
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: than ever. Okay, if I know it's said so many times,
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: but if they wanted to, they would if they can't
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: communicate their problem, okay, you are opening it up for
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: them to be able to talk to you, and they
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: keep rejecting, rejecting or ghosting or ghosting or ghosting. The
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: reason you're so hurt is one, you got broken up
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: with that's gonna hurt, and two because you allowed yourself
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: to get rejected a thousand times. I have a boy,
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: the same individual. Okay, And then when you do that
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: again and again, you're bringing your own self worth down
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: because you keep saying I need this person who's clearly
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: rejected me yesterday to validate me again today, instead of saying,
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: wait a minute, if I respect it myself more, someone
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: who's rejecting me and unbottom off the barrel and they
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: can't even have the effort to ask me a question,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: or they don't have the effort to and respect to
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: tell me to my face that they're not into me anymore,
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: because that's a lack of respect of my time. If
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: someone can't have the balls to break up with me,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: they are disrespecting my time. So if someone's going to
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: disrespect me that way and I keep crawling back to them,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: of course I'm gonna feel like shit because I'm telling
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: myself that's what I'm worth. I'm worth the dregs, the
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: fucking dregs of society. That's what I'm worth. The moment
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: you start pulling away, the moment you read rejecting, Okay,
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: you've rejected me once, I may give you another chance.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: Reject me twice. You're done. I don't have to hate
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: on you. I don't have to do this. I don't
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: have to that, but I've got better things to do
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: with my time. I've got bigger fucking fish to fry,
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: and I'm not interested. I'm not interested in this behavior,
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: and your self worth will start to go up. You
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: might be rejected again in the future, but it won't
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: hurt the way it hurt this time because you've learned.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: You've learned something very valuable, and it's painful, but you're
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: going to go through it and you come out stronger
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: on the other end if you can learn from it,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: if you can apply those lessons moving forward. I hate
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: that you went through that, but it's a very important
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: lesson in life to learn. Stop letting yourself get rejected
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: by the same person again and again and again. All
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: it's going to do is going to lower your self worth.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: That's it. You achieve nothing. You don't change the person.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: You don't. Oh, maybe they'll come round. No, No, I
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: don't care. If your friend's auntie's second cousin has a
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: story where someone treading them like that, now they're married
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: and happy, I don't care. That's like the zero point
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: zero zero zero one percent of the population. So no,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: thanks for listening to my Ted talk. Now we've got
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: one question left sense question for the pod called to
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: Move or Fucking up a Good Thing. High Alexis, Congratulations
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: on your beautiful twins. Thank you and thank you for
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: the pod. Your advice has gotten me through breakups, moving
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: cities and everything in between. I'm very grateful for you
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: and any wisdom you have on the below. I'm twenty
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: nine years old living in a beautiful beach side town
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: in New Zealand. Love that for you. I moved here
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: in twenty twenty three off the back of the breakup.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: I found my community, my people, and such a deep
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: sense of belonging here. Ever before have I felt so
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: at peace and seen and felt stable in my friendships
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: and lifestyle. I have made the best friends who know
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: me inside and out. I'm only a few hours drive
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: from my parents, who are a huge support and we're
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: very close. And I have bought a home here which
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: is a few hundred meters from the beach, which is
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: very important to my well being. I have built up
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: my own business and work independently in New Zealand, which
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: offers me amazing flexibility of my time, a relaxed lifestyle
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: which I do enjoy. However, despite all of this and
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: being so aware of what I have, the last few months,
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: I have been feeling like something is off and I'm
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: feeling called to move to Sydney. I think a big
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: part of this feeling is that I have been single
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: in the last few years. I'm now at a stage
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: where I'm wanting to share my life with someone. However,
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I'm struggling to find connection in this small town. I've
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: been on countless first dates that go nowhere. I'm also
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: feeling a bit stagnant in my work, losing interest in
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: doing house renovations and investing into my life in this town,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: and overall just feeling a bit stuck and like I
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing. So my question is is
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: it a bad idea to move to Sydney on the
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: loose hope that I will meet my partner and find connection,
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: and also to simply shake up my life a bit
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: and explore a new environment or country. I've been offered
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: a job in Sydney, which is interesting work. It will
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: mean employment as opposed to my current self employed role
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: and I and a longer commute. My expenses are going
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: to go up a lot. Yet, my pay is going
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: to stay the same, so there may be some financial
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: struggle here. I will be further away from my family.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: I've found an apartment in Bondai by the beach. I
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: can envisage life there where I go to. When I
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: go to Sydney, I do the same routine. I would
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: be at home in my beachy town. I stay in Bondai,
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: I would wake up, go to pilates, go to the beach.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: I love the hustle and bustle and the vibrancy and
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: population of people. This is what really sets Sydney apart
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: from my hometown. Bonda is often described as the town
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: where I live quote on steroids. It is a similar lifestyle,
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: but it seems everything is enhanced and there is definitely
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: more men and population there, which is feeling very attractive
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: to me. With where I am at this point in
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: my life. My relationship with my friends and my general
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: lifestyle is beautiful where I currently am, but I can't
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: help but feel that something is missing. I feel like
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I needed to move out of this town two years
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: ago if the back of my breakup, when I needed
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: support and community, and now I'm wanting something different, something more.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just me being bored and
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: ungrateful for the stability I have because historically I've moved
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: cities quite frequently with study work, and I'm also used
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: to living a bit of chaos, or is it just
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: a genuine feeling that should be acted on. It seems
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: silly for me to leave the lifestyle and friendships I
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: now have for something that might not actually be better
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: in reality, and maybe driven by the wrong reason. The
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: glamor of the big city life, the possibility of connecting
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: and meeting a partner just because the population is bigger.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: It feels irresponsible at my age, like something I could
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: get away with in my early twenties, but not now.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling I'm feeling torn because it feels like if
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I don't make this move, I will always wonder. But
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: am I worrying it is a move for the wrong reasons.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: I know I can return in a year or so
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: back to my home in New Zealand if I want to,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: and I have a beautiful life to come back to
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: here and lots of support. But I'm worried if I
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: don't meet someone over in Sydney that I will be
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: turning thirty years single, with less money and feeling even
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: more behind SOS. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Okay,
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: great question, Very good question, and I think a lot
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: of people could resonate with something like that. My response,
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: in a nutshell would be yes, I think you should move. However, however,
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: make sure that when you are doing this move, if
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: you choose to do it, it is for more than
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: just I have to find a partner. This energy I
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: have to find a partner will make you feel like
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: a failure if you don't find a partner and go
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: back to New Zealand. If the whole thing is I
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: have to find a partner at all costs, you're telling
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: yourself that that's the key goal in your life is
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: to find a partner. Which there's no shame in really
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: wanting to find a partner. But you always have to think,
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: when I'm doing something in my life that is not
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent in my control, I have to do
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: other things that are within my control to find that balance.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: There is a slim chance in hell that you will
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: never find a partner in your life, and you've got
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: to be single for the rest of your life. Right,
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: would you still be happy with your life if that
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: was the case. And if the answer is no, then
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: you've got to say, Okay, what can I be doing
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: to actually make my life enjoyable for me? Because I
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: can put everything out there, I can do all the
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: right things, but that still can't give me when I'm
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: going to find the right person and where I'm going
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: to find the right person. And if I mean the
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: numbers are stacked in your favor, you most likely are
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: going to find your person, but you don't know where,
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: when and if. You might find your person on the
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: plane on your way to Sydney. Right you might find
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: your person in New Zealand the day before you moved
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: to Sydney. Okay, So your life has to be set
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: around living for you if you think that spending a year,
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: two years, whatever potentially longer in Sydney is going to
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: be a beautiful chapter in your life that you can
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: look back on in twenty thirty years time, being like
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: I did this year in Sydney, and it was this,
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: and I did that, or I did a couple of
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: years or whatever. Do it. It's never a waste having
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: a life filled with experience and says is the life
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: worth living? Doing something for yourself where you can look
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: back and there's memories, experiences, friendships, events, mistakes, hiccups along
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: the way, all these things. That's what makes for a
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: really rich life. Okay, so I think you should go anyway,
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: but you've got to be very intentional with going to
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: make your life feel richer in all areas. Yes, God,
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: with the intention to date. Yes, keep that intention that
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: I want to find my person in my life. That's
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: really healthy, But don't make that your only goal and
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: don't make that the be all end all. And if
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: I don't find my person, then I'll come back from
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: New Zealand that was a failed expedition. You've got to
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: know that if I come back to New Zealand and
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: I had the best time of my life but I
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: still didn't find my person, would that still feel like
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: a good idea to have gone. And if the answer
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: is yes, you should go. If the answer is like,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: oh my God, no, I have, then you need to
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: kind of reframe how you look at what you consider
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: to be you succeeding in life and what you consider
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: to not be succeeding. Because I think it's good that
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: you know that you want to partner I think it's
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: really healthy that you're putting yourself out there and you're
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: trying different places and trying for things to find that partner.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: And I think it's nice that when someone knows what
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: they want, they go after it. So tick tiktick to
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: all of the above. But like I said before, if
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: that thing is not one hundred percent in your control,
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: which it's not. Finding a partner unfortunately, is not one
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: hundred percent in your control, then you always have to
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: remind yourself that you have to put a few eggs
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: in other baskets that's going to make your life feel fulfilled. Okay,
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: you can still live a very very very very happy,
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: rich full life even when the things that you wish
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: would happen to you are not happening at the time
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: or at the pace that you wish they were happening.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: There are many different versions of your life that your
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: life could go in this year or next year or
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: the year after. You might think you're finding a person
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: this year, but it ends up being in two years
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: time or three years time. What can you do in
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: that time prior to finding that person that's going to
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: make you be like, oh, I'm so glad I did
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: that I'm so glad I went to Sydney. I'm so
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: glad and like you said, where you live now, that
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: place is always going to be there. You know, that
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: community that you got set up, You've earned those good relationships.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: You obviously a good friend, you're a good daughter, you're
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: a good all these things. So I think it's really
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: important that you think, you know, knowing that, knowing that
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: I've built up this life and I've set myself up,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: I can afford to go on these adventures. I can
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: afford to try this new lifestyle. You know. I know
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: that if it doesn't go well, the life that I've
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: been living here is a good life that I know
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: I would be happy to come back to. So in
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: a nutshell, all in all, yes, go to Sydney. Do
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: the trip. Come to Sydney, I should say, do the trip,
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: have that life experience, try and date, put yourself out there,
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: but do not feel like a failure if it doesn't
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: work in the way that you thought. When it comes
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: to the relationship, You've got to be going to Sydney
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: because there's because you also want to be going to Sydney.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: You want to be going to Sydney because like you said, like,
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: I feel like you've already sold it yourself in a
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: really good way. You've already mentioned all the things that
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: are good that you could experience in Sydney. Make sure
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: that that is top of mind, and not just the dating,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: because you want to have fun when you're in Sydney.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: You want it to be really fruitful, not just in
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: the dating scene, but all up. You want to when
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: you go back to New Zealand whenever that is, you
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: want to look back being like I really milked that time.
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: I really had a good time, and I wasn't caught
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: up on dating. Because the issue is if you think
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: I have to find a partner, then you might settle
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: for the wrong person. You've got to be like, I
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: have to find the right partner, and I'm only able
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: to do that if I'm living my life on my terms,
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: where I'm really honoring who I am and what is
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: good for me. Okay, hopefully that gave you a bit
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: of a push to still go, but for the right reasons.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: Great questions that you guys have been sending, and I'm
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: absolutely loving them. So it's just three questions today, I'm
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: already nearly at the forty minute mark of this episode long.
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: That's me just going on tangents when I answer your questions. Anyway,
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: that is off for today. Stay tuned for Friday's head
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: Noise episode. I love you guys so much. As always, remember,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: Don't e