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BETWEEN SESSIONS: The Unbearable darkness of Potential · Mental Health Matters

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to Mental Health Matters Between Sessions with me, Dr.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Audrey Tang.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: In this episode, it is another one of my reflections on what I've been doing and thinking about during this week.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you like this sort of thing, there's a few more look for between sessions on this podcast, or head over to my Retrain Your Brain, which is again a short podcast, quite self-contained, really focusing on something that I've been thinking about this week.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this week it is the unbearable darkness of potential.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Brownie points to anyone who can guess what the original title that I've sort of bastardized is.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And before you turn off and stop worrying about it, um, it was, of course, the unbearable likeness of being.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: But let's go to the unbearable darkness of potential.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Does this sound like you?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, you overinvest in some people.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Time, emotion, finance, and then you wonder why you're let down.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or number two, you have all these plans for life change and you don't do any and you wonder how things got worse.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or number three, you agonize about a job that you haven't even applied for.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: If that's the case, you are likely working on potential, not reality.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's worth noting that because those are the positive things.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you invest or think about or see potential for the positive, you might also be seeing the potential for the negative as well.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, potential is great, it's exciting, it's the future, it's the dream, the goal, the thing that we're often told to imagine that.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if we get caught in it, one of two things happen.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, the above situations, those three things I outlined, go wrong and we don't know why.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or number two, we get there and we don't actually realize it.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Potential can also be damaging.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's not reality.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: In therapy and in my field of coaching, we are taught to meet clients where they are.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if we don't, no matter how effective your tools and techniques, they will not work.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because the reality is the person or the organization is not in that space yet.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean they can't be.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're only seeing them through the eyes of potential, you are seeing them through your own rose hints.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: A sort of I would do this, or I do do this, so they'll find it easy.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But that's you.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're not meeting them where they are.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So let's break down the above.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: For example, in friendships.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've overinvested in all sorts of ways because I've seen what could be, but I've forgotten or perhaps ignored that it really takes two to make an outcome.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in my fantasy world, I may have thought that that person wants the same things that I do, but in reality, they've actually given me no indication that this is the case.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So my pattern becomes invest, keep going, sunk cost bias, resent, withdraw, and loop round again.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: When actually it was my own faulty thinking that set up the situation in the first place.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So try this.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you're someone who sees potential, wonderful, it's exciting, it's beautiful, and it's very likely you're pretty driven yourself.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: But watch out for the reality when you're bringing others into this.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what that reality is, ask.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do not simply offer or anoint.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because while you may be disappointed if that person doesn't want what you want, at least you know before you have invested time, money, and emotion in the hope.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Next reflection is on life change, and this is a common one around new year.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You've got all these new plans for new you, except we sometimes fail to appreciate that it's the old you or at least the current you having to put them into action.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if your lose a stone in a month involves running 5k three times a week, but your lifestyle, your current lifestyle, doesn't have the capacity, you'll not only not do it, but worse, you might not even do one run because you think what's the point?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: That won't achieve anything.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So try this.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on building little habits.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I look at that plan and then I decide what for me is the minimum action that will be acceptable to me, keeping in mind life happens, and be able to engage in that minimum action every single week.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I also set my goal for a much longer term because realistically, and there's that word again, it isn't about lose the stone and go back to my old habits and put it back on, but become the person for whom a fitter, healthier body is the norm.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore, it takes time because you have to become that person.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So my only goal for this whole year is to not be worrying that I've got less healthy than last year.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know what exactly the changes to my body or behavior will be, but I plan to not lose ground even if I don't gain it.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then we've got career change.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is a classic I deal with a lot in training and coaching.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: People agonize over a job they haven't even applied for.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: They worry about the potential situation of having been offered it when the reality is they haven't even thrown their hat in the ring.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there is a caveat here.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It is worth considering if the job is going to fit all your priorities.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: For example, a great job that involves travel may need to be passed over if home life and being where you are is of paramount importance.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: But you need to remember there are many stages to this situation in reality.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to get through the application process, you've got to get through the interview, you've got to accept the job.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And at any point in that process, you can still withdraw, or things can change.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So try this.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you've decided that there are no non-negotiables being crossed, apply anyway.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because you still have time to think about whether you want to go to the interview in the first place if you're offered it.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then even at interview, you might recognize there are a number of red flags in the company which put you off, or green flags which make the prospect of the job more exciting.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then, if you're offered the job, again, the next reality, you can accept or reject it on better information.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: But on top of that, you'll also have an updated CV and interview experience because if you were already thinking about a new job anyway, you are likely in the very real mindset of wanting to make a change.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that little step will help you, and it will also help you open your eyes to other opportunities.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: The point I'm making is focus on reality and do what you need to do within that reality.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Potential is exciting, and never ever ever stop dreaming big if you are a big dreamer.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: But make sure when you're taking action, it is the best choice based on what you're actually experiencing and seeing, not what you hope it could be.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's all from me for a while.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: We'll be dropping different podcast episodes for the next few Fridays, and then I will be back with more reflections.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Have a healthy week.