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9: The Ten Magic Words w/ Sandee Sgarlata · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living I
• 0:15
  Hello, everyone. This is Kelly Siegel with the Harder Than Life podcast. I haven't been doing this podcast very long, but I can honestly say today's guest gives me goosebumps. I've never officially met her in person. Her energy and aura made me instantly love her. And hence, I had to have her as one of my initial guests.
• 0:34
  She is called America's happiness coach. She has ran a marathon, is a two-time award-winning author, a certified life coach, professional speaker, a gold medalist in ice dancing, and has spent the last 20 years inspiring happiness to all. It's my honor to introduce my good friend, Sandy Scarlatta. Hello, Kelly. Thank you so much.
• 0:59
  It's so great to see you. And I can't wait. I can't wait to meet you in person next week. Next week, I get to see you by the time this airs, we will have been long friends. And as I was gonna say, by the time this airs, we've been met in person in New York, and I'm beyond excited to share your brilliant mind. I hope it doesn't get weird. I wanted to start off with a layout for you, though.
• 1:22
  You have a vastly experience of multiple multitude of topics from champions mindset to smashing, limiting beliefs, to changing your perspective, to changing your life, to change your life, which leads to my question. It reads in the declaration of independence that we all have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What is happiness as defined by you and why is this so darn hard to achieve?
• 1:53
  Yeah, because people are pursuing it. That needs to be changed. It's not the pursuit of happiness because happiness is a journey. It's not a destination. So when you say the pursuit of happiness...
• 2:09
  It's like the end game, right? It's like there's an end game there. Well, there's not an end game. It's a journey. It is something that you will always be working on. And it's a practice. I like to say it's a practice. Just like doctors practice medicine, lawyers practice law. You know, it's a practice. I practice choosing happiness every minute of every day. Because otherwise, you know, life happens when we're busy making other plans. And, you know, shit hits the fan all the time.
• 2:39
  We're three minutes into this and you just dropped a bomb. I love it. Keep going. Yeah. I mean, my gosh, you know, harder than life. I was thinking about that when I was just making my tea that I forgot to drink and now it's getting cold.
• 2:56
  Harder than life. You know, I think some people may think that finding happiness is harder than life. That's why you're on here. It's quite the opposite. It's quite the opposite. You know, I am not a religious person at all. I'm very spiritual. I'm a recovering Catholic. And...
• 3:20
  But Jesus, who is a great man that I believe walked this earth, he was a great man just like Buddha and all of the great spiritual folks that have been on this planet. He says something to the effect of, and I don't quote scripture and I wouldn't even know where to find it in the Bible, but he says something to the effect of, you know, you can obtain heaven on earth. Well, most people choose hell on earth. Okay. And their existence is hell on earth. No, no.
• 3:47
  Flip that around. Get rid of that limiting belief. Yes, I believe that we've got two planes here on Earth. And most people are choosing hell, but you can choose heaven. And it's all just a matter of flipping that switch and making a choice and seeing things in a different way. Getting rid of those limiting beliefs and all of the above. These podcasts just keep getting better and better.
• 4:12
  You I'm going to deviate from from my questions because you just went into something. So if you read my book, Harden Life, I'll bring you one next week. It talks about choosing. I made a lot of bad choices in my life and I was living in hell.
• 4:29
  So talk about, because everybody's like, oh, I have bad luck. And talk to me about choices that people make on a daily basis that they don't even realize are leading to this hell that you speak of. And the contrast of what they could be doing to live heaven. Because I can tell you, I live now heaven on earth. Yeah. Yeah.
• 4:54
  Well, we all have made many bad choices in our life. And yeah, I think there's two sides to that because part of it is making choices that lead you down the wrong path. And then sometimes things just happen that you didn't ask for. And so that's two different conversations. So let's talk about choice. And I always like to use driving as an example because I feel like even though I've been on this spiritual journey for 33 years, up until...
• 5:23
  just probably within the past five years, I was one of those people that I'd get behind the wheel and I'd be flipping everybody off. And, you know, I mean, heck, 30 years ago, I would stop at a stop sign and get out and go up to people and confront them. You know, I mean, I was just, that shit. I'm going to call BS on that one. You're just too nice of a person. There's no way.
• 5:47
  And so now it doesn't even affect me. But the thing is, is, you know, somebody almost cuts you off in traffic and rightly so you get scared, right? It's the fight or flight DNA reaction that pops up and you get scared. You're like, oh my gosh. Yeah, feel that emotion. Yes, it's scary. It's just that we automatically make an assumption that that person tried to hit us or they're being a jerk or whatever the case may be. But if you look at it a different way,
• 6:14
  Anybody who's a parent out there or have anybody in your life that you love, put yourself in the shoes of maybe their loved one
• 6:24
  was just in a car accident and they're racing to get to the hospital. Maybe they're sick. Maybe they're about to have a baby. Fill in the blank because we're never going to know unless you chase them down and find out. That's not a good idea anymore. We know that. You're never going to know why they hit you. Instead, just chalk it up as like, oh, well, because you know what? 99.9% of the time, they didn't see you. We've all done it behind the wheel where you almost ... Now, a lot of cars today, and my car warned you.
• 6:53
  before I even get to that point. So it's, but there's still times when I still almost cut people off and you just don't mean it. So it's just about taking that, you know, that's just one example, taking that one little thing and switching it. There's another way to look at it.
• 7:10
  I could tell you if I cut you off, I can guarantee you it was because I was texting and driving because that's how I'm going to die for sure. And on top of it, I always give up. If I do do it and then somebody comes up to me, they're in for a rude awakening because I don't look like I do. I'm deceptively big and I carry a gun. So good luck coming up and talking to me. Yeah.
• 7:34
  So you live a life of abundance now. It hasn't always been the case. All too often we see the highlight reel of people's lives on social media and hear about it on podcasts, but your life hasn't always been that way. Tell the listeners the backstory and what was the breaking point of your change and please be vulnerable like you were on your podcast. So yeah, it was 33 years ago.
• 8:03
  January 1990 when I hit rock bottom with cocaine abuse. And I was given an ultimatum
• 8:14
  I was engaged to my ex-husband. So funny now to talk about it because we were engaged to be married then and had just gotten engaged. As a matter of fact, we'd been together for over four years and he had no idea that I was using drugs. And that was the only drug I ever really used. I never liked marijuana. Alcohol was just like, whatever, you know, alcohol was a by-product of, you know, you drank when you use cocaine. And so- Hold on, hold on.
• 8:44
  way around. It's usually you do cocaine or you drink and then you do cocaine to drink more. But I digress. Sorry. Yeah. And maybe, I mean, I was a beer drinker. Like I would just drink a few beers and, you know, in high school I was the one, you know, I could, I mean, I guess it's genetics, whatever. I mean, I could, I could hold my own with alcohol. It just was never something that was just really...
• 9:10
  for me and never liked the hard stuff, put it that way. Because most people, when you start drinking, you end up going to the hard. Anyway, so he gave me this ultimatum and the next thing you know, my parents show up. I'm like, oh shit, not only do I have him, now my mom and dad are sitting here.
• 9:29
  I'm like, oh, like worst day ever. I have to admit to my mom and dad, you know, because my brother passed away when I was 12 years old and that was another big turning point in my life. But that was that turning point just put me numb, no feelings, just didn't know the difference between anger, pain, suffering. Like it was just all consuming. So, so yeah, so, so I didn't, the last thing I wanted was my parents to know that I was using drugs because my brother had.
• 9:59
  he was pushed out of a window, but there was drugs involved. And so needless to say, I gave it up. I gave everything up. I had to pick up the phone and call people that I was using drugs with and say, don't lose my number.
• 10:14
  And this was before cell phones, obviously, so it was pretty easy for people to do. And that was that. But it put me on the trajectory that I have been on ever since. And that is, I became a self-help junkie and I just became obsessed with self-improvement because when you get to the other side of that, and I know that you've gone through this, Kelly, when you get to the other side and you realize that you were living in a fog for so long,
• 10:40
  that the whole world opens up and it's just, you know, just life just becomes so much more precious. And I, you know, I just want to make the most of every day. I want to rewind because what you just said was, I just want everybody to hear that again. Just.
• 10:58
  When you give up the drugs and the alcohol life begins, I call it the rebirth. And people get sick and tired of me talking about not drinking. And I always say to the people that say that if you don't want to hear it, that you're the person I need to get a hold of. That is my mission is to show and model that.
• 11:20
  what heaven on earth looks like. And I, you just nailed it. So I want, I want everybody to hear what Sandy just said. So say it again, when you give up drugs and alcohol, what happens? Yeah. The fog lifts and it's like you turn the lights on and the lights come on. It's like going, you have a dimmer on your lights, you know,
• 11:45
  And the dimmer's down here and you just brighten it up and it's just like, oh, you know. I've been talking to people about contrast a lot lately. So I drank for so many years that I didn't know another story. So I just tell people my stories. Take 90 days off and just see how you feel. If you don't feel amazing at day 91, go back. I don't know a single person that quit drinking that said I shouldn't have done that.
• 12:11
  So to me, you know, I, and I think you're a lot like me. I didn't work a program. I just basically I alcohol was a crappy roommate that would steal my money and always take my cars and leave them at bars. So I kicked out the, the, the crappy roommate and just said, I just never picked it back up. I choose not to drink. I never worked a program. I never went to AA. I never did anything. Just said I made a choice. Did you do the same thing?
• 12:38
  No, I went through an outpatient recovery program. And part of that commitment was to go to a 12 step program. I tried cocaine anonymous. I tried narcotics anonymous, didn't like it. And I found it was somebody that my, my ex-husband worked with. His wife was in AA and there was a women's group. So I started going there because it was a requirement I had to. And I mean.
• 13:06
  I didn't have to have paper signed. It wasn't like ordered by the court, but, but it was my commitment to my fiance at the time, before we got married, I committed to him that I would,
• 13:16
  that I would do this and take it very seriously. And I loved AA. I think it's a really incredible program for people who really need it because a lot of the people that I talked to in those rooms were so severe in their level of alcoholism that they had to have something to help them. They were at such low, low places.
• 13:38
  with alcohol addiction. And I can't relate to that because, you know, but, but most people, I mean, alcohol is one of the, one of the few drugs alcohol. And I believe it's heroin that you can die. If you, if you don't, if you're not withdrawing the proper way. The weirdest thing about alcohol to me is this, the only thing that you, if you abstain from it, you have to explain to people about, and I tell you, when I did, when I did finally get,
• 14:07
  walk away and I walked away. I took a, I took a drink and I'd been on a bender for a while and set it down, never looked back. I am convinced now looking back, I was in withdrawals. I, for days were shaking and it was, I wouldn't recommend doing it my way, but I do everything backwards. Well, you're a tough guy. So, right.
• 14:29
  Yeah, I'm into some tough situations. And I said, you'll read in my book, I'll bring you one. And it's just tough times don't last, tough people do, man. And mine was totally different. I just, when I gave it up, all of a sudden I felt the emotions. And now I just feel my way through life. And I still feel the feelings. I still have triggers. I still have, but I know what they are and I'm aware of them. I wasn't even aware. So I would literally drink.
• 14:56
  So I wouldn't feel these feelings and I wouldn't, I didn't even know what they were. And it turns out when I just let myself feel them, they really weren't that bad. I mean, they were bad at the beginning, but if you just sit in those feelings, they pass so fast that by the time you poured a drink, drank it, and it actually hits your system, you've already lost the feeling.
• 15:18
  Well, one of my favorite quotes that I was actually on a friend's podcast, it's sitting on the other side of my room, so I can't show you, but he quoted me and sent it to me. It's this little plaque and I have it sitting there to remind myself and it's in order to grow, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable. And that's really what it's about. And I remind myself all the time because there's times when, like, I love doing podcasts and I was on a roll getting on live TV.
• 15:46
  and being interviewed and I was on national television, I'm so uncomfortable doing that that I haven't even pitched it in a year because I'm so uncomfortable being on live television. Oh, anything that- Now podcasts, I could do these all day long. Anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I know immediately I have to do it. It just, I just run straight into that. I'm just wired so backwards, but we were just talking about this with mutual friends on our weekly call and I don't have any fear.
• 16:14
  Because I've had fear my entire existence growing up. I was scared to death. So I just, I think I've used up all of my drinking and then used up all of my fear. I just don't have anymore. But this is going to lead to my next question because I have so many daily habits to fall back on that if I do have any feelings, I know how to deal with them. Journaling, meditation, going to the gym, talking to my friends. I don't talk to my friends as much anymore because it's...
• 16:42
  I'm so weird about my daily habits. It's just, I don't know that many people identify, but I'm starting to make new friends like you that would totally get it. So people want to know what a day in the life of America, what the day in the life of America's happiness coach looks like. What are your daily habits, routines, as well as non-negotiables you instill to be who you are? Non-negotiable.
• 17:12
  is making sure that I take the time for myself every day. And it's usually meditation and it's always meditation. And, and the meditation sometimes turns into a 20 minute nap, which is okay. You know, because, because it's like resetting, it's a recharge for me. So that's my recharge, which is my non-negotiable. And I do it every single day. And, um,
• 17:36
  And, you know, I've studied meditation. I've been doing it for many, many years. I've done meditation retreats. I've done days of silence and, you know, crazy stuff like that. And I love all that stuff, you know. For me, a day in the life with me is just, you know, keeping my, it's all about staying in that high frequency. You know, you know, we, our mutual friend, Craig, Craig Siegel.
• 18:04
  your brother from another mother, I guess, right? Same last name and everything. You know, he was like, pick out a word for this year. What's your word? And my word is frequency. And I remember that every single day that I have to get into that frequency because when I'm in that frequency, magic happens and miracles unfold in front of me every single day.
• 18:25
  And how I get into that frequency because life happens, you know, you know, I, I have a child, you have kids too. We got one son and, you know, we haven't had any, nothing recently, but you know, when you've got kids and my kids in college, you know, sometimes things happen and that's, that's a trigger for me, you know, with my son. And so I've learned this mantra that
• 18:50
  that I practice all the time. And it's what I use when I meditate before I start a project. You know, it's, it's, it's like the fuel behind it. It's the energy, it's putting energy behind it. And it's four very simple sayings. And I say, I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. That was from a book. I read it. Who was it? Who's the book? Kumar? Dr. Dr. Joe Vitale.
• 19:16
  Zero limits. I read that book when I first stopped drinking, and I said that mantra to myself a thousand times a day. And that's what got me through. When you said it, it just triggered me. It took me right back to when I quit drinking. It's, wow, that's amazing how the world... Yeah, and I'm telling you, it is...
• 19:39
  It's Dr. Joe Vitale. He's the one that brought Ho'oponopono. It's Ho'oponopono is what it is. He's the one that... The book I read it in... Sorry, I keep stepping on you. The book I read it in was Live...
• 19:52
  Live life like your life depends on it because it does or I don't know. Anyways, it's just amazing. So it may have just been somebody else that introduced Ho'oponopono because, you know, it's an ancient Hawaiian healing practice that has been around for centuries. And this Dr. Hugh Len, Hen Liu, Hugh Len, I always mess that up. He brought, he studied this. He's from Hawaii. Well, he passed, I believe, a couple of years ago.
• 20:22
  But he was able to heal a entire ward of the criminally insane. It was like 25 patients by simply saying that mantra and reading their patient chart. He never saw them face to face. So that kind of intrigued me. I recently interviewed Dr. Joe Vitale on my podcast, and it was so exciting because I got to really dive into this with him. And so...
• 20:49
  You break it down. I love you. What you're doing is you're expressing your love for creator, power, universe, God, Jesus, whoever it is you pray to. I love you. I'm sorry. And I want to just talk about that just really briefly because that's something that trips people up all the time. He's like, well, what did I do wrong? I didn't do anything wrong. And so many people have that attitude and they're choosing, you know, I didn't do anything wrong. So Dr. Joe Vitale, he explained to me.
• 21:19
  Think of it as like when you're in the grocery store and you accidentally bump into somebody. What is the very first thing you say? I'm sorry. Most people do. There's a lot of a-holes out there that wouldn't. But most people say, oh, I'm sorry.
• 21:32
  Why are you saying you're sorry? Because I was unconscious. I didn't mean to hit you. I didn't realize it. So when you're saying I'm sorry, you're saying I'm sorry because I'm having these unconscious thoughts. I'm having these negative thoughts. You know, whatever the case may be, I'm sorry. And then you say, please forgive me. Please forgive me for being unconscious. Please forgive me for having that negative thought. Please forgive me for whatever it is, fill in the blank. And then you're saying thank you because thank you is expressing gratitude and gratitude.
• 22:00
  Gratitude is the quickest way to raise your vibration and get you out of any mess that you're in.
• 22:07
  and any state that you're in. What I take all that is that's just the universe's energy and you're acknowledging every level of it. And if you think about it, that's many of the steps, many of the 12 steps are engulfed in those four little things. Yeah, exactly. That is, it's so powerful. I mean, I'm telling you, the first year and a half, I must have said that literally a thousand times a day, and I'd forgotten about it. I'm gonna go look the book up
• 22:37
  I say it several thousand times a day. I say it all the time because here's what happens. You've got these negative thoughts, right? We have about 60 to 100,000 negative thoughts every single day.
• 22:50
  85% of our thoughts are negative. And the thing is, is we don't realize it. We don't realize we're having negative 85% of our thoughts. And so I'm kind of somebody like, I'm not a scientist, but I love experimenting with stuff. So, so when I started using Ho'oponopono, I started with an experiment. Okay, let me test this stuff out. Let me see how it works. So it just, it was very serendipitous because I started listening to the book on my way to Hawaii last March.
• 23:19
  And I had heard about Ho'oponopono back in 2006, seven or eight, whatever. Um, after I discovered the secret with Dr. Joe Vitale. And funny thing about that is I'd been teaching courses on law of attraction since early two thousands. Didn't even know there was such a thing called the law of attraction. I was like, I've been talking about this for years. That's a thing. I'm like, I just, it was just something that always made sense to me. So anyway, it was very serendipitous that I'm traveling to Hawaii and I start listening to this book on tape. And, uh,
• 23:49
  I just became obsessed with it. So we're coming back from Hawaii and I am very fair skinned. I bruise easily. I can hit my arm on the side of a coffee table and I'll get a bruise. And as I've gotten older, I started getting these red spots. Well, coming back from Hawaii, I had two laptops in my backpack. It was really heavy. And before we even got out of Hawaii, I had a bruise on my wrist that was almost three inches wide and it was bright red, just from taking on and putting on
• 24:18
  on and off my backpack because it was so heavy. So I started messing around with Ho'oponpono and I would just rub my hands and my arms. Do you know that I haven't had a bruise since on my arms? Because when you think about it, right, our body is energy. So, you know, I play tennis. I'm, I'm a very high performing athlete and have been my whole life. And right now my thing is tennis. I'm obsessed with tennis. You would think I'm training for Wimbledon and I play as much as I can.
• 24:47
  I finally hired a personal trainer. I'm working out at the gym because it's now, it's not because I want to get big muscles like you, Kelly. It's because it's for injury prevention. It's because I've gotten to the point in my life where if I don't do this, I'm going to get injured because I can't play tennis the way I want to play unless I'm building my muscles up. So I keep messing with my quad muscles and just twinking them. So, you know, the same thing. Our bodies, our whole body, we're energy bodies. Everything about it. So, you know, if we're raising our frequency in our mind, why not?
• 25:15
  you know, apply it to your legs, to your arms, you know, everything, every cell in your body needs love, right? It all needs love.
• 25:24
  I say vibrate higher all the time. So I'll let you in a little secret cause it's just happened last night. So what in my, uh, meditations daily, I ended up with, uh, um, my affirmations of what I, what I want or want isn't the correct thing, but this is what I'd like to happen to them. One of them is, uh, to be an Amazon number one bestseller for the book. And it just last night hit Amazon number one bestseller in three categories.
• 25:48
  Oh, congratulations. Thank you. In my morning meditation this morning, I said, I said, well, I guess I don't need to add that one. But thank you. And I acknowledge your gift. So you're talking to an energy person. I believe in that so much. It's not even funny. So I want to ask you, because we have these. What do you do when you get sad? Because it happens. Yes.
• 26:13
  Of course, you feel it. You feel the sadness. You have to feel it. You have to allow yourself to feel. And it's like that with any emotion. I was saying earlier how my son is a trigger. He's a trigger because I am like the fiercest mama bear on the planet. So don't mess with my son because I'm going to come after you, theoretically. Haven't you created a monster? Isn't he just a trained killer at this point? Yeah, right.
• 26:41
  No, my son is the most compassionate lover boy. Oh, he's so sweet. So who would mess with him? Yeah, exactly. It's just a mama. So, you know, I can be a punching bag sometimes. And there's times when he'll get mad at me. And it's just like, oh, it's so hard. How old is he? He's 22. Tell him if he gets out of line and I'll come deal with him. Yeah. No, I mean, it's actually gotten really better now.
• 27:11
  And I'm attributing it to Ho'oponopono because I visualize people and I use it with my clients too. And I teach it to my clients. I don't even tell them what it is. I'm like, just say these four things. Okay, I can say those four things. Like they don't need to know the backstory. They don't care. Like I'm telling you, just use this. Use these four things. Say these four things and things are going to go away. But when I'm feeling sad, it's the Ho'oponopono. And I just say it to myself. I've had PTSD. I've had PTSD.
• 27:41
  Um, from since I was 13 years old when my brother passed away, it was an extremely traumatic time in my life. Um, since I started practicing that and saying that mantra.
• 27:54
  I've only had one episode and it was gone in less than 30 seconds. 30 seconds. That's how powerful. So meditation, hope the, the, the, the four, the four sentences. It's so simple, but yet so hard. It's so simple. And everybody wants to run to drugs and alcohol or a crutch or sex or, or gambling or work. And it's for the mantra to say the mantra. It's worth it.
• 28:21
  And when I'm talking, when I had, I would have these anxiety attacks where every, I couldn't, it was paralyzing the anxiety and it, and it's always around. It used to be loved ones. Now it's just my son. And it's that stinking thinking kind of thing where we're, you know, oh my gosh, did something bad happen to him? And then it's like, nope, stop. You know, you put the brakes on it and you just start saying the mantra over and over and over and the anxiety is gone. It's gone.
• 28:50
  Well, it's putting everything in faith instead of fear. And that's really, if you're going to believe in something, let's believe in faith in the future rather than fear of the past. We've got it backwards, as you said, at the very beginning. So moving on a little bit, what project, presentation, or thing that you have done do you consider the most significant accomplishment in your career to date?
• 29:17
  Kelly, that's so tough. That's so tough because I've done so many good things. I have so many more questions for you when I see you in person too, by the way, this is just for entertainment. I mean, you know, I am on this planet to make a difference in others' lives. And
• 29:39
  The first one was I was a skating coach, you know, and I became a U.S. national and international coach. You know, watching my young male skater who I took from rental skates to U.S. nationals, and I watched him get a gold medal in his first international competition. That was incredible. I now have clients now that are competing in junior worlds. I'm a sports psychology coach to them.
• 30:02
  I'm not coaching skating anymore. So I've got a team going to Junior Worlds in approximately one month. I have another team that just got third place at U.S. Nationals last week. Like to me, that's my greatest accomplishment. If it's for me personally, it's suddenly becoming a single mother to my kid in all respects when his father went to prison.
• 30:30
  and he was 13 years old. Being able to raise him into the man that he is today without that father figure, that has to be my greatest accomplishment personally. It's very cliche to say, I want to give back, everybody says it. You know how I know that it was very genuine and authentic? Your lip quivered.
• 30:54
  You literally, it just went, it was your soul came out and said it. So that's why I love you too. It's why I magnetized to you immediately because I feel the same way and we're, we're going to do some stuff together. Who knows what it is yet, but I'm going to put that out there. We're going to do something together. I got to ask, I'm going to deviate again from my questions because I didn't get this even in your podcast. So you're.
• 31:19
  husband, your ex-husband asked you to get off of drugs and then he went to jail. And then that's where you got divorced back, back this, this good stuff here. Tell me about it. No. So we, we, it was interesting because we had actually agreed to separate.
• 31:37
  in the year 2000, early the year 2000, and then I found out I was pregnant with my son and we stayed together for 10 more years. We had been married for nine years. And together we had five pregnancies and one child. So we went through a lot together. So he's my miracle baby, which is why I'm such a fierce mama bear because he's it, right?
• 31:59
  So yeah, so my ex-husband, very, he was a very, very high powered lawyer. Um, did not drink on a daily basis. However, he would drink and get behind the wheel. So we w we had been divorced for a year and a half and he was driving home from a bar, was pulling into McDonald's motorcycle came flying around the corner.
• 32:27
  They collided and two people were killed. And, uh, he ended up serving. He was in prison for seven years, but the sentence was a little bit longer because he was on house arrest and stuff like that before he had to turn himself in, um, so he's only been out for a year now. And, um, I supported him the whole time he was in prison. He and I are like brother and sister.
• 32:55
  Um, you know, he, it was, it was just so sad on so many levels because not only did two people lose their lives, um, you know, when, when that happens to you, you know, that's a life sentence right there, just knowing that you've done that. And then there's my son, you know, we live in a very affluent area.
• 33:16
  in Loudoun County, Virginia, which has been the wealthiest county in America for decades. And it was very, it was a stigmatism around it, you know, like there's a lot of stigma around that, that, you know, my gosh, you know, you know, his father. Heaven forbid we have grace, uh, the people that make mistakes. I mean,
• 33:36
  Who says – Yeah, people make mistakes. He didn't – nobody got – he didn't get up that day saying that he was going to do that. It was – and he will – he lives in service now of others and that's really great. Or do you lose your license because of that? No, he'll be able to get it back because it wasn't a crime of –
• 33:58
  I'm going to say this wrong, fortitude. I forget how you say it. Like he didn't do anything that was damaging to his client. Absolute dumb question, but I got to ask, does he drink anymore? I have no idea.
• 34:09
  You know what? I shouldn't even have asked it because it's personal. I apologize. You know what? That's his choice. You know? I can't... You know, there were so many... The reason why I ask, and I'll be personal about it, the reason why I ask is, looking back on my party life, there were so many signs, there were so many warning signs that the universe kept showing me. Like, man...
• 34:35
  You need to stop. You need to stop. You need to stop. And I just kept ignoring them. And I would make excuses. I would rationalize and justify my own BS. And you just talked about drinking and driving. I had a driver, a full-time driver. So I never, ever drank and drove. And I used to rationalize and say, well, I'm not hurting anybody else, just myself. So what's the big deal? And realistically, I didn't, I was speaking from lack of contrast. And now that
• 35:02
  I choose not to drink. I'm so much more present. I can give so much more love. I am compassionate and tolerant and quiet and forgiving. And I just want to feed my mind and grow and expand my being and help everybody to see that if you have an unhealthy relationship with someone,
• 35:25
  some sort of crush. I want to help you. And that's where it's all over the book. And that's what I think you're trying to say, which is kind of funny. Cause my next question is going to be right into you stayed married for nine years or 10 years after you decided to get a divorce. If you were offered a mulligan in life, what would it, what would you do over and why? So it's, it's interesting. I get asked that question a lot. Um, I wouldn't change a thing.
• 35:56
  Not surprising. Because everything that's happened has happened for me. And, you know, I am who I am today. Yeah, you're beautiful. You're successful. You're smart. You're kind. All the things that I would want my daughter to be.
• 36:14
  Thank you. That's the highest compliment you can give anybody. Thank you. You know, it's, um, no, I mean, you know, sure. There's times I look back and think, Oh, okay. Well if I went home with my mom and dad that day and I didn't marry him, you know, and now, you know, why bother? There's, you know, this is my life. My uncle said, my uncle asked me, wouldn't you, don't you wish you would have quit drinking sooner? It just wouldn't have taken, it just wouldn't have taken. It happened when it was supposed to, and it's fine. I'm fine with that.
• 36:43
  I have my son who's a byproduct of me and my ex-husband, and I love him. You know, there's nothing about him that I would ever change either, you know? And I know, you know, if I may, because this is so brilliant, my son in my book. She's putting on her glasses, everybody, so there's something profound that comes. Get ready for it, here comes the drum roll. So I know, because I hate it.
• 37:10
  Oh, I just love you. I have to have my reading glasses. So my book, Happiness Solved, Climbing 100 Steps, it's a part memoir, part self-improvement and part workbook. And there's four chapters that I talk about my life and the whole book is very brief. You know, I like short reads and I think most people appreciate it. So I wanted to talk about what happened with my ex-husband because that's a huge part of my story, but it's not my story. And so my son...
• 37:39
  had actually wrote his college essay about how he experienced the accident with his father. And the very last paragraph just sums up
• 37:52
  what we're talking about. And he says, my mother always says, everything happens for a reason. And I truly believe this because without the accident, I would have been spoon fed my whole life because of the accident. I am independent and I make smarter choices. Most importantly, I learned that life happens in moments and that you cannot let one moment ruin the rest. He was 16 when he wrote that.
• 38:19
  That's profound. When I was 16, I didn't know freaking anything. Well, you know, and the thing is, the weird thing, Kelly, is that my brother died two weeks before I turned 13. My son's father's accident was a little over two weeks after he turned 13. And I was just...
• 38:41
  I said to one of my best friends, I said, how the hell am I going to deal with this? I am not equipped. You know, when you see your kid on his hands and knees screaming and crying and punching the ground, because he knew. He knew. How are you going to deal with it? It's the same way that there's nobody more equipped to deal with it than you who went through something very similar.
• 39:04
  Exactly. It's just at the time I couldn't see it. It was like, oh my gosh. You know, I remember, I mean, my son and I, we were driving to, his dad was in prison, was in jail for three weeks after the accident. They wouldn't release him. Um, partly cause he was a lawyer and there was a lot of backlash because you know, a lawyer should know better, right? Obviously. And, um,
• 39:30
  So we were driving to the county jail to visit him and I'm driving, I'm like, here we are. I'm driving in my $80,000 Lexus SUV. There's a homeless shelter over there. My older brother is living in a tent across from the homeless shelter because he was such a chronic alcoholic. He was chronically homeless. Yeah.
• 39:54
  my ex-husband's in a jail. And I'm like, I'm looking at my son and we were almost, we were like, you have to sometimes find the comedy in it. It's like, who would have thought? Who would have thought that this would have been my life? You know? And you're like, holy moly.
• 40:11
  I struggle with, in today's environment, and this was years ago, but in today's environment with Uber and Lyft, there is absolutely zero reason to drink a drive. You are an... Exactly. I'm going to stop myself because I don't want to be, but there is absolutely zero reason to get a DUI. There's no reason. Two seconds. Pay 20 bucks. Yep. You can pay $20 for an Uber ride. Right.
• 40:37
  Or you can pay five grand for a DUI or, or you can hurt somebody really bad. Kill two people and spent $800,000 in legal fees. Yeah. But I would pay $800,000 to have those two people back and I'm sure he would too. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, money was no option. If you could tell your 30 year old, some 30 year old self something, what would it be?
• 41:05
  That's an easy question because I really think that, you know, we, as we age and you just become wiser and wiser and wiser. And it would be, you know, don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Stop beating the shit out of yourself. Because as a high performer, I'm not just a high performing athlete. I'm a high performer in everything in my life. And that's why I,
• 41:34
  I pay Craig Siegel every month. It keeps me on track, right? I need that person to be telling me, okay, it's okay. Because I still will fall into that trap. And what do I do? I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. But it still pops into my consciousness all the time because I'm so much harder on myself than I am on anybody else.
• 41:58
  Man, the things we say to ourselves, we would never say to anybody else. Do you ever, I've read all of Brene Brown's books. I think that she is just one of the most brilliant minds. Do you experience shame? Do I experience shame? No, I used to. I don't allow myself to go down there. Yeah. I don't, I don't allow myself to go down that path.
• 42:23
  The only emotion that like really that sets in, I mean, anger, of course, you have to in order, the happiest people, science has proven the happiest people experience all every emotion. Shame is not one of them though, that I will allow myself to go down because that is, it's just such a low energy. It's, you know, no, I will forgive myself. It has to be also too, because of your choices. I mean, you make choice. What have you, what could you do?
• 42:52
  You probably haven't done anything to be shameful for in years because you make good choices. That's what people don't realize. We started it off that way. If you make poor choices, you end up in poor situations to be shameful for. If you make good choices, good things happen, and you make good choices, and you don't have any shame. It's literally a math equation. It's just...
• 43:16
  It's so frustrating how people want to be the victim instead of the victor. And I just, I don't have any time. But I love it because I studied that for my daughter. I was quite contrary. It was in my book. And I've experienced a lot of shame. I've done a lot of dumb things.
• 43:34
  things dumb just thinking I was a life of the party saying things that were nothing but hurtful thinking I was keeping it real I mean that's just the stupidest saying anybody can ever say if it's going to hurt somebody's feeling shut up that's right yeah I mean I think that there's there's definitely been times when my son and I have gotten into an argument and I say something that I've you know immediately realized oh boy
• 44:03
  I have a 14-year-old. Tell me about it.
• 44:07
  I say things like, oh, I didn't mean that. Even as healed as I am. Exactly. I look at her and go, oh my God, honey. I keep repeating to her all the time. I couldn't love you anymore and I'll never love you any less. Because the bar is so high for her as it is for me. And I just, I sit there and I apologize. I'm so sorry I'm your dad. I expect you to be a trained killer, an assassin, a savage. Get your love from inside. Yeah.
• 44:35
  You know, I just, I've got to fast forward to taking over dad's companies and being, all of her friends are following me on social media now. They think I'm just the most intriguing guy in the world. I said, just wait, I'm human. So. Right. We're all human. But, you know, I mean, but the thing is, is like, we're all going to say things and maybe do things that we don't mean.
• 44:54
  And that's life. That's part of growing up. It's part of learning. It's part of evolving as a human. The difference is what you do after it. It's how you react, how you choose to react. Like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I said that. I shouldn't have said that. And then you forgive yourself. You ask the other person for forgiveness and it's just how you handle it. It's how you handle the situation. So yeah. I saw Oprah do something with her husband. He said that
• 45:19
  he apologized immediately said, don't worry about it. That's not who I want to, that's not who I'm, who I am. And I'm not going to be that person again. So it made me think of that because I apologize to everybody from my, from my drinking days and everybody forgive me right away. Cause they said, you know, we knew it wasn't you. So it turns out I'm just as obnoxious. So, or, you know, not drinking as I was drinking and I have just as much fun, but I remember it all. I don't have to apologize. Speaking of good choices, um,
• 45:48
  So we got to start wrapping this up and I got four more questions and I just want, because there's, you're so good and this is going to help people. Um, you don't get to where you are without being an excellent, excellent communicator. What are your pet peeves when communicating? My pet peeves when communicating. Oh, geez, Kelly. I don't even know.
• 46:14
  I'll give you mine if it'll help. It'll jar something. Tell me yours. When somebody just absolutely just immediately disagrees with you just to disagree with you. Or says you're wrong. Like, wait a minute. Hold on a second. I can tell you right now if it's something about, and I'll tell you an instance, it's usually around my life choices now. And I look at people like, are you serious? I take in more content in one day than usually the person I'm trying to help has taken out in their entire life.
• 46:43
  And they're telling me I'm wrong. Like, you're right. I say, hey, how's drinking going on? How's drinking working out for you? And oh, it's completely fine. I go, it seems a little out of bounds. You're wrong. And I'm okay. Yeah, I guess that would be, yeah. I mean, I,
• 47:01
  I think it's not so much that people pointing out that you're wrong, it's when they keep trying to prove they're right. That's what it is. See, there's why you're an excellent communicator. It's not working for you. You ask for my advice, I give it to you and you tell me that's not it. But it's usually over stupid stuff. It's usually over really stupid things.
• 47:24
  you know, talking about the weather or whatever. And they, and, and they have to keep proving why they're right. And you're wrong. Oh, politics. Just ask politics. Yeah. Just talk politics. I can't even go down that road. I have a dear friend of mine that I posted one little thing and it wasn't backing anybody. Cause honestly, I'm not a Democrat or Republican. I have a little bit of both. I just believe that we need to communicate better and, and everybody wants to be happy.
• 47:51
  how we get there, which is, let's start, let's start with what we agree on and work out from there. Exactly. We all want America to be the strong, independent, sovereign country with a bunch of amazing people. Let's start there and work our way backwards. Yeah, I agree. But we go right to what we don't agree on. And we fight about that. And then you want the other person to die because they don't agree with you.
• 48:20
  That, I don't know, no way, no how. I don't wish harm on anybody, even people that have done harmful things. I just, I don't have, I can't, I don't have that negative bone in my body. You don't want that energy behind you. Karma, as you said. All right, three more questions. If you could create one law, what would it be and why? Well, I would say, you know, that you have to be kind to other people. Be kind. You're going to make it a law. You have to be kind.
• 48:49
  You know, we have our mutual friend Dan on, he said the same thing, be kind. And it's, I say to my daughter every morning, it's time to be awesome and kind. Yeah. I love it. And it's so simple. So simple, but yet so hard. Just smile at somebody. Yeah. We're all human. If you could have dinner with one person alive or dead, who would it be and why?
• 49:22
  You know, it's a toss between Oprah Winfrey and Barack Obama. Yeah, I'm not into politics, but I love that man. He's one of the best speakers I've ever seen. And I will tell you. His presence. He's regal. He's just, ugh.
• 49:42
  I find myself, I just started following Oprah. I don't agree with some of the wokeness. I don't agree with some of the racism, in which I'm an anti-racist. Really, that is not my jam. I believe in equality for all. But I do agree with a lot of everything she says. And in the same respect, I respect her, and I love hearing from her. And I love, my feed isn't all...
• 50:10
  people that agree with me. I love hearing from other side. I'm one of the very few people who watched Oprah from the very beginning because she was a news anchor in Baltimore, Maryland, where I grew up. And I watched her every single day.
• 50:27
  And so, yeah, I followed her all these years. Yeah. She's incredible. She still makes money off of, like, Dr. Phil. She's a brilliant business lady. And she's got a brilliant mind. I remember watching her on her talk show the very first day and thinking, who is this lady? And how did she become so powerful? But I...
• 50:48
  That's a great, those are two great ones, Sandy. I didn't expect anything less. What's next for you? You wrote two books. What's, what's, what do you got in the, in the pipeline? Yeah.
• 50:58
  Well, I definitely have more books. I have, um, um, my very first book was a novel that I wrote for young adults and it was supposed to be five books and the publisher went out of business. So the second book was finished in 2010 and it's never been published. So I have put the two together, I'm updating them and I'm going to finish it cause it's not finished and I have to finish that story. This is really good. So it's definitely that, um, I'm going to be speaking on some stages this year. I'm really excited about that. And, uh,
• 51:27
  You know, I finally, I've, yeah, I'm known as America's happiness coach and that's all good. I have made the decision because all of my clients are elite athletes that I am only going to be working with high performers. I'll work with any high performer, but I really want to focus on athletes because that's what lights my fire. Like nobody's business.
• 51:51
  I love it. And yeah. Who was that guy? Trevor Moad. He just passed away. He used to work with all the high performance athletes. You can fill his shoes. Fill his shoes. I will gladly fill his shoes. He was a brilliant man. He has a book out. I am really good with what I do with my athletes. I am really good. Every single one of them have success. And I just signed on a minor league hockey player. I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going to. 16 years old. You are going to have to spend. You're going to. We're going to spend a lot of time. When do you get into New York? Friday night.
• 52:20
  I'll be there too I'll text you and we'll coordinate All of your Instagram and LinkedIn Will be in the show notes But please give your Instagram Because I think that's where you Predominantly do your Instagram right now Coach Sandy Scarlata And Scarlata is spelled S-G-A-R-L-A-T-A Yes Not to be confused with I have an impersonator now on Instagram Does that mean you made it? I think that means I've made it
• 52:49
  I can't believe somebody hasn't tried to mimic me. I have an impersonator. And on their page, they say that my page was hacked. You know, please don't message that account. I'm like, geez. Well, that means you've made it. I'm really proud of you. I've made it on Instagram, right? Anything I can do to support you, you know you have it. But I want to end it with, is there something I haven't asked you today that you feel compelled to share? Forgive for peace. Yes.
• 53:20
  microphone drop. I love you. This was so much fun. Until next time, be harder than life and remember to buy the book. I love you, Kelly. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to harder than life. And let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.