Latest / Wake Up with Marci / Anxious Attachment, Fear of Abandonment & Healing Your Nervous System | Valerie Rubin

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Anxious Attachment, Fear of Abandonment & Healing Your Nervous System | Valerie Rubin · Wake Up with Marci

0:00
Speaker 1: Chasing is just a symptom of not feeling safe, because
0:04
Speaker 1: when we've never found that internal safety, when we've had
0:07
Speaker 1: an anxious attachment, we learn that my safety is external.
0:11
Speaker 1: So of course, if I've never had safety in my life,
0:13
Speaker 1: I need it externally. I need it outside. And so
0:17
Speaker 1: when we start to build that internal safety in our body,
0:20
Speaker 1: we're going to feel less of The grip is how
0:24
Speaker 1: I describe it. When I've gotten triggered, That's what it
0:26
Speaker 1: feels like, gripping chasing, and it's like when we come
0:29
Speaker 1: back to everything in this moment that I'm looking for
0:33
Speaker 1: is already within me.
0:35
Speaker 2: This is Wake Up with Marcy, a space for honest
0:38
Speaker 2: conversations about healing, recovery, and women's wellness.
0:42
Speaker 3: I'm Marcy Hopkins. Take a breath. You're safe here. Let's begin.
0:50
Speaker 2: Have you ever found yourself chasing someone who keeps pulling away,
0:55
Speaker 2: wondering why you always seem to attract emotionally unavailable people,
1:00
Speaker 2: or maybe you've asked yourself, why do I care so
1:03
Speaker 2: much whether someone chooses me? The truth is it may
1:08
Speaker 2: have very little to do with the relationship you're in
1:10
Speaker 2: today and everything to do with the wounds you never
1:15
Speaker 2: had the chance to heal the ones you haven't faced.
1:18
Speaker 2: Today we're talking about anxious attachment, fear of abandonment, and
1:23
Speaker 2: how healing your nervous system can completely change the way
1:27
Speaker 2: you experience love. Hello all, Welcome to Wake Up with
1:31
Speaker 2: Marcy or welcome back. I'm so grateful you are here,
1:34
Speaker 2: whether you're watching, whether.
1:36
Speaker 3: You are listening.
1:38
Speaker 2: I am so astounded by the feedback that I have
1:43
Speaker 2: gotten and by all of you that show up in
1:48
Speaker 2: this community. This is a safe place. This is a
1:52
Speaker 2: show where we have honest conversations about healing and recovery
1:56
Speaker 2: and relationships, self discovery and what it really takes to
2:01
Speaker 2: rebuild your life. I'm Marcie Hopkins. I'm your host. I
2:05
Speaker 2: am an author, a TV host, motivational speaker, mental health advocate,
2:10
Speaker 2: and I myself am in long term recovery. And if
2:15
Speaker 2: today's conversation resonates with you, please make sure to like
2:19
Speaker 2: common and share this episode with someone who may need
2:23
Speaker 2: to hear it. Because these conversations help people realize that
2:27
Speaker 2: they're not alone.
2:29
Speaker 3: I need you to help me to create that ripple effect.
2:33
Speaker 2: Today's conversation is one I think that so many people
2:37
Speaker 2: need to hear because if you've ever felt like you're
2:40
Speaker 2: always the one giving more, always worrying whether someone is
2:45
Speaker 2: going to leave, always overthinking a text message, been there,
2:49
Speaker 2: or constantly trying to earn someone's love.
2:52
Speaker 3: This isn't just.
2:53
Speaker 2: About relationships, It's about healing, and my guest today is
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Speaker 2: going to help us through that. Today we're going to
3:00
Speaker 2: meet Valerie Ruben. Valerie is an anxious attachment specialist, trauma
3:04
Speaker 2: informed somatic coach, and the host of the Anxiety Recovery podcast.
3:09
Speaker 2: She helps people heal anxious attachments, regulate their nervous systems,
3:15
Speaker 2: and break the cycle of being attracted to emotionally unavailable
3:18
Speaker 2: partners so they can finally build healthy, secure relationships. So
3:23
Speaker 2: let's meet Valerie now. Hello, Valerie, welcome to Wake Up
3:27
Speaker 2: with Marcy.
3:29
Speaker 1: Hi, Marcy, thank you so much for having me on.
3:32
Speaker 1: I'm super excited to be here today.
3:35
Speaker 2: Well, I love the work that you're doing, and you're
3:37
Speaker 2: truly helping so many people, and it's just it's really
3:42
Speaker 2: a fascinating topic. So I'm excited to dive in. But
3:48
Speaker 2: I always like to rewind a little bit and get
3:51
Speaker 2: to your story and what happened for you and what
3:55
Speaker 2: made this work so important? For you, because you yourself,
4:00
Speaker 2: we're dealing with chronic pain and anxiety at early twenties
4:05
Speaker 2: and doesn't seem like you're too far from that anymore.
4:08
Speaker 2: But can you share with us what was happening for
4:12
Speaker 2: you at that time?
4:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you so much, Mercy. So now I'm in
4:17
Speaker 1: my late twenties, but yeah, so for me, I was
4:20
Speaker 1: doing all the quote unquote right things that they were
4:23
Speaker 1: telling me, doctors, mental health therapists that were telling me
4:27
Speaker 1: the right things what to do. I was seeing a
4:30
Speaker 1: talk therapist for five years. I was eating an anti
4:35
Speaker 1: inflammatory diet, I was doing yoga every day. I was
4:38
Speaker 1: meditating every single day. I was even taking medication, and
4:43
Speaker 1: I wasn't finding any relief from my chronic anxiety. And
4:48
Speaker 1: then what ended up happening was it started to manifest
4:53
Speaker 1: into my body because right like anxiety or emotions like
4:57
Speaker 1: what we persist and so it's like the load just
5:00
Speaker 1: keeps on stacking and stacking. And so it looked like
5:06
Speaker 1: starting with chronic headaches, then it was chronic neck pain,
5:09
Speaker 1: then it was shoulder pain, then it was IBS, then
5:13
Speaker 1: it was cystic acne. I mean, I have no magabile
5:17
Speaker 1: right now, but there it was like flares all over
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Speaker 1: my cheeks, all over my face, like it. It was
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Speaker 1: like I was living in a ninety year old's body
5:29
Speaker 1: when I was in my early twenties and so and
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Speaker 1: then when I found hypnotherapy and somatic work, the chronic
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Speaker 1: pain went away in six months and the anxiety started
5:41
Speaker 1: to become a lot more manageable. And so that's why
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Speaker 1: I'm so deeply, deeply passionate about this work, because it's
5:48
Speaker 1: not just saved, you know, my life and my quality
5:51
Speaker 1: of life, but the hundreds and thousands of people that
5:55
Speaker 1: I've been blessed to support.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's so many people that are dealing with anxiety,
6:02
Speaker 2: obviously at different levels, and our bodies start to manifest
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Speaker 2: sickness in some sort of way, it comes out in
6:13
Speaker 2: other ways, and we start to go to these different doctors, right,
6:18
Speaker 2: and we're trying to figure out why is this happening?
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Speaker 3: Why is that happening? And you're never really.
6:23
Speaker 2: Getting to the root of what is happening. And a
6:28
Speaker 2: lot of times it is maybe something that's happened in
6:33
Speaker 2: your past, depression, anxiety, this trauma that you're pushing down.
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Speaker 2: So it's so incredible that when you did find that,
6:44
Speaker 2: and I'd be so interested in how you did find it,
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Speaker 2: how it changed your life in such a short amount
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Speaker 2: of time. So what led you to that work?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, so honestly it was pure curiosity. I wasn't even
6:58
Speaker 1: looking for hypnotherapy. I also, I know a lot of
7:02
Speaker 1: people listening to this can relate, like after struggling for
7:06
Speaker 1: so many years, like with anxiety or with chronic pain,
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Speaker 1: I think that becomes your normal. And so I was
7:13
Speaker 1: just scrolling on TikTok in twenty twenty nineteen and I
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Speaker 1: found this hypnotherapist who specialized in anxiety, and I started
7:24
Speaker 1: to realize, whow each session is like ten years of
7:27
Speaker 1: therapy in one This is the deepest work I've ever done.
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Speaker 1: And in my head, I wasn't even which is so
7:37
Speaker 1: crazy to say out loud, Like in my head, I
7:39
Speaker 1: didn't even think I was struggling that much until I
7:41
Speaker 1: started getting better and I was like, wow, like what
7:44
Speaker 1: you were going through it might be common, but it's
7:49
Speaker 1: not normal. Like no one in their early twenties should
7:54
Speaker 1: feel stuck in a nine year old's body. Like our
7:57
Speaker 1: bodies are made to feel alive, were made to come
8:01
Speaker 1: back into homeostasis, so if we're stuck in that anxious state,
8:06
Speaker 1: it's like things will manifest. And so a lot of
8:10
Speaker 1: people can get really aggravated with doctors when they're like,
8:13
Speaker 1: it's all in your head. It's not just all in
8:16
Speaker 1: your head, it's all in your body.
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Speaker 3: Yes, and doctors do do that a lot.
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Speaker 2: I've heard so many stories and how people have to
8:26
Speaker 2: truly advocate for themselves and they can make you feel
8:30
Speaker 2: like you're going crazy, like you're you are the problem,
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Speaker 2: and you're doing something wrong, and when in fact, something
8:38
Speaker 2: is happening for you. So one of the things that
8:42
Speaker 2: you talk about is anxious attachments.
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Speaker 3: What exact exactly is that.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, So anxious attachment is how we attach to our
8:55
Speaker 1: early caregivers and our relationship to them. So an anxious
8:59
Speaker 1: attack attachment, I can start with saying like some symptoms
9:03
Speaker 1: in adulthood and then like how that was formed. So
9:06
Speaker 1: that's really a big part of the root of the
9:09
Speaker 1: anxiety I was experiencing, was this anxious attachment. So anxious
9:14
Speaker 1: attachment symptoms in adulthood look like codependency. So this could
9:18
Speaker 1: look like if my partner's having a bad day, now
9:22
Speaker 1: I'm having a bad day. This could look like a
9:25
Speaker 1: lack of confidence, of feeling that I'm not good enough,
9:29
Speaker 1: just chronic anxiety, hypervigilant. So if you are living somewhere
9:34
Speaker 1: and you hear someone coming in the door, you already
9:37
Speaker 1: know who it is just by their footsteps. They don't
9:40
Speaker 1: even have to say anything. Some other things are lack
9:45
Speaker 1: of trust in others and then lack of self trust.
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Speaker 1: Jealousy is a really really big one because it's just
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Speaker 1: that like in your mind, it's like thoughts of like, Okay,
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Speaker 1: if you're dating someone, it's like, oh, it's so so
10:00
Speaker 1: prettier than me. Am I not smart enough? Am I
10:03
Speaker 1: not interesting enough? Am I not X y Z enough?
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Speaker 3: So where does that come from?
10:09
Speaker 1: Yeah? So really what this comes from is when you
10:12
Speaker 1: have an inconsistent caregiver, most likely your primary attachment, which
10:17
Speaker 1: is your mother. And so especially now you know in
10:21
Speaker 1: these times, people need to incomes, mothers need to work,
10:26
Speaker 1: and so what this ends up doing is we have
10:28
Speaker 1: to put our children in daycare, right and to a baby,
10:32
Speaker 1: like even just an example, like mothers and like a
10:36
Speaker 1: baby does not understand that they are a different, separate
10:39
Speaker 1: being until six months, after six months of life. And
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Speaker 1: so when there's separation, the baby thinks, oh my god,
10:48
Speaker 1: I'm literally going to die without my mother if they're
10:50
Speaker 1: in a daycare or if they're with someone else. And
10:53
Speaker 1: so what ends up happening is now this like imprints
10:57
Speaker 1: this anxiety. And then this is why a lot of
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Speaker 1: people can have panic attacks because we're having a somatic experience.
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Speaker 1: This is why no amount of talking reassurance or trying
11:10
Speaker 1: to logic your way out of feeling anxiety is going
11:14
Speaker 1: to help you, because it's in your body that imprint,
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Speaker 1: that pre verbal trauma from zero to three. So that's
11:20
Speaker 1: one piece of it. And then if your emotional needs
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Speaker 1: were inconsistently met, so say sometimes your mother was there
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Speaker 1: for you and sometimes she wasn't. What this creates is
11:29
Speaker 1: a very hyper vigilant child. The child now begins to
11:34
Speaker 1: abandon their needs. Feel like I'm too much, I'm not enough.
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Speaker 1: Maybe I'm burdening my mother with my needs. So I'm
11:41
Speaker 1: going to become as small as possible. And so that's
11:46
Speaker 1: why a lot of people in adulthood fear receiving. And
11:50
Speaker 1: so yeah, it creates that codependency and that lack of
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Speaker 1: feeling safety within because they were never taught how to
11:58
Speaker 1: consistently meet their needs, and that is learned. So if
12:03
Speaker 1: you don't have that being learned, you can understand why
12:07
Speaker 1: people cling to, oh my god, my business has to
12:10
Speaker 1: make twenty k a month, Oh my job, this has
12:13
Speaker 1: to go a certain way. Oh my partner, you know
12:16
Speaker 1: he's not acting a certain way. So now I feel unsafe.
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Speaker 1: So you how now in adulthood, we're gripping onto the
12:23
Speaker 1: external because we've never cultivated that internal.
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Speaker 2: So would you say that that that would be about
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Speaker 2: feeling abandonment?
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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, nice being part of it.
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Speaker 2: So you can you can think of it that way,
12:39
Speaker 2: and how exactly for those out there, because not everybody
12:44
Speaker 2: knows what somatic work is right.
12:47
Speaker 3: And and so.
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Speaker 2: I recognize this because I myself have abandonment issues from
12:56
Speaker 2: my mother. And I mean, thankfully I have had my
13:00
Speaker 2: grandmother step in and there were there was support in
13:04
Speaker 2: other areas that helped me. And I think that usually
13:08
Speaker 2: there is somebody else that steps in, and there is
13:11
Speaker 2: so much that happens in that.
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Speaker 3: First three years of our lives.
13:16
Speaker 1: And on.
13:18
Speaker 3: And then those become our.
13:20
Speaker 2: Behaviors and the ways that we think about ourselves. Right,
13:23
Speaker 2: Because I didn't have any confidence about myself, and I
13:28
Speaker 2: did stay small, and then you become a people pleaser
13:31
Speaker 2: and a perfectionist and all the things right because you're
13:35
Speaker 2: always looking to others to validate you, which doesn't bring
13:39
Speaker 2: you happiness or peace, I mean, because that does come
13:41
Speaker 2: from within. So how does that somatic work? If you
13:46
Speaker 2: can explain to the audience what exactly that does and
13:50
Speaker 2: how that helps with this anxious attachment.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, such a great question. So really how it works
13:58
Speaker 1: is right, like, when we have these emotional needs that
14:01
Speaker 1: are unmet, it's like they're bubbling to the surface. You
14:04
Speaker 1: feel like you're drowning. You feel all these emotions and
14:08
Speaker 1: you really don't know what to do with them. So
14:10
Speaker 1: sematic therapy is working with the emotions stored in your body.
14:14
Speaker 1: So let's say you have this anxiety, feel it in
14:17
Speaker 1: your chest, you feel it with the tension in your shoulders,
14:21
Speaker 1: you feel it through that pit in your stomach. And
14:25
Speaker 1: so with sematic work, we work on processing those sensations
14:29
Speaker 1: and emotions because when we don't have that coregulation, that
14:35
Speaker 1: has never we have never been able to complete that
14:38
Speaker 1: trauma cycle. Those emotions that have been stored in our
14:41
Speaker 1: bodies since we were a baby, or three or five,
14:44
Speaker 1: or whenever a trauma or a stressful event happened to you,
14:47
Speaker 1: if you didn't have that caregiver like meeting your needs
14:52
Speaker 1: one hundred percent of the time, you know, just because
14:55
Speaker 1: misattutmins happen, life happens. Parents need to work, you know,
15:00
Speaker 1: and just might not be there or they have many,
15:02
Speaker 1: many children, right, And so the somatic coach or therapist
15:08
Speaker 1: helps to almost be that surrogate parent, helping you to
15:13
Speaker 1: process those emotions through the body. And so also modality
15:18
Speaker 1: that I'm trained in is called brain spotting. So brain
15:21
Speaker 1: spotting just helps to locate where your trauma memories are
15:25
Speaker 1: stored and helps to process them through the body. And
15:27
Speaker 1: that does that through our visual field. So say you
15:30
Speaker 1: know you're looking this way and you feel that anxiety
15:34
Speaker 1: in your chest when you're looking there, as like where
15:37
Speaker 1: you look affects how you feel, So brain spotting helps
15:40
Speaker 1: to process that out through the body. Because you've ever
15:43
Speaker 1: had an anxiety attack or a panic attack, or you're
15:48
Speaker 1: really really anxious in your relationship, you can't just talk
15:52
Speaker 1: your way out of it. So we're actually meeting the
15:55
Speaker 1: sensation and emotion where it's at and letting it complete
15:59
Speaker 1: that psych.
16:00
Speaker 2: I myself have not really had panic attacks. I will
16:04
Speaker 2: say recently, the only thing that I can identify with
16:07
Speaker 2: this is I started to feel that anxiety within me.
16:11
Speaker 2: And at this point I've done so much healing work.
16:15
Speaker 2: I was able to talk myself through it and recognize
16:20
Speaker 2: that this is an overreaction and emotion that I'm feeling,
16:25
Speaker 2: that I don't need to feel this right right now,
16:29
Speaker 2: And I did the breath work and I calmed my
16:32
Speaker 2: nervous system and I was able to get through that
16:35
Speaker 2: and change that for me. But so many people are
16:38
Speaker 2: out there walking around and they do have this I
16:43
Speaker 2: mean it literally is debilitating. It just yeah, and you
16:48
Speaker 2: feel like you can't breathe. And people are out there
16:50
Speaker 2: and they feel like they're having.
16:51
Speaker 3: A heart attack.
16:53
Speaker 2: So if someone is dealing with this anxiety or maybe
16:58
Speaker 2: they have panic attacks. And there's so much stress too,
17:01
Speaker 2: I think kids, there's so much stress on young people
17:05
Speaker 2: and so much more stress today even than there was
17:10
Speaker 2: in the past.
17:11
Speaker 3: Like where do you start?
17:14
Speaker 2: What is something that a young person could do or
17:18
Speaker 2: even you know, someone of my age.
17:21
Speaker 3: Where could they start to help themselves through this?
17:24
Speaker 1: That is such a great question. Processing your emotions every
17:28
Speaker 1: single day, and I have a free meditation that literally
17:31
Speaker 1: walks you how like walks you through how to do it.
17:35
Speaker 1: And it's like, Okay, this anxiety, the stress that I'm feeling,
17:39
Speaker 1: where am I noticing it showing up in my body?
17:42
Speaker 1: Is it a shortened breath? Is it my heart racing?
17:45
Speaker 1: Is it my stomach getting tight? And then what if
17:47
Speaker 1: I can just be with those sensations for like thirty seconds? Right?
17:53
Speaker 1: What if I can just allow it to be here
17:55
Speaker 1: without trying to change it, fix it, judge it, make
17:58
Speaker 1: it go away? And what if we can find a
18:02
Speaker 1: part in our body that feels even one percent more safe,
18:06
Speaker 1: grounded or neutral. So maybe you scan your body and
18:09
Speaker 1: you feel like you feel rooted and grounded with your
18:13
Speaker 1: feet on the floor, Okay, I'm going to place my
18:16
Speaker 1: awareness and my attention on my feet on the floor,
18:20
Speaker 1: feeling that relaxation, feeling the floor, holding my feet. So
18:25
Speaker 1: now doing that for about thirty seconds to a minute.
18:29
Speaker 1: Then now going back to that original stress and feeling,
18:34
Speaker 1: and then just going back and forth, even starting out
18:37
Speaker 1: with five minutes. And then it's like listening to your body, now,
18:41
Speaker 1: do you want to shake? Do you want to do
18:44
Speaker 1: you want to sway from side to side. What is
18:48
Speaker 1: your body wanting you to do in this moment after
18:53
Speaker 1: doing that, you know, going back and forth. Because and
18:57
Speaker 1: why I suggested that technique is because we have been
19:01
Speaker 1: taught we shouldn't feel these emotions, that they're wrong, that
19:05
Speaker 1: they're bad, that.
19:06
Speaker 3: They're get over it.
19:08
Speaker 1: Get over it right.
19:09
Speaker 3: Get over it.
19:10
Speaker 1: Especially if you've experienced trauma. People are just like, just
19:14
Speaker 1: feel your feelings, but it feels very like overwhelming or
19:18
Speaker 1: we could become true. And so that's why I utilize
19:22
Speaker 1: that technique called titration, because that shows our body. Okay,
19:25
Speaker 1: I was with these sensations for thirty seconds. Now I'm
19:29
Speaker 1: with this calm spot in my body. Wow, I was
19:33
Speaker 1: in that sensation and I didn't die. And that's our
19:37
Speaker 1: body that we are safe to, you know, experience those
19:42
Speaker 1: emotions and then we can come back down because the
19:44
Speaker 1: body is made to come back into homeostasis, back into
19:48
Speaker 1: that regulated state. And so that's what I would really
19:52
Speaker 1: really recommend people to do every single day because even
19:55
Speaker 1: if your anxiety isn't at like an eight out of
19:58
Speaker 1: ten on intensity, you know, maybe not having panic attacks,
20:01
Speaker 1: but we have that like chronic you know, low grade
20:05
Speaker 1: anxiety that's always just kind of lurking in the background, right,
20:09
Speaker 1: And so yeah, these are some things that can really
20:12
Speaker 1: really help you to feel just like way more capable
20:16
Speaker 1: and just be able to trust your own body that like,
20:20
Speaker 1: I don't have to fear these sensations or fear this
20:24
Speaker 1: anxiety because I know how to handle it.
20:26
Speaker 3: Yeah.
20:27
Speaker 2: Yeah, And our brains are supposed to keep us safe, right,
20:32
Speaker 2: So we're always scanning for things that could possibly harm us, right,
20:39
Speaker 2: and then we're kind of in that fight or flight,
20:41
Speaker 2: especially if there was trauma or that abandonment or something
20:45
Speaker 2: that has happened to us. And what I hear you
20:49
Speaker 2: saying and through what I've learned, it all goes back
20:54
Speaker 2: to our nervous system, right. So it's calming the nervous
20:59
Speaker 2: system and that and that's just naming what's happening, right, because.
21:03
Speaker 3: We're just feeling out of out of whack, if you will.
21:07
Speaker 1: Right.
21:08
Speaker 2: The other thing that you're sharing about is bringing yourself
21:12
Speaker 2: back to that present moment m hm. Because I think
21:16
Speaker 2: a lot of times where we're overthinking everything where and
21:22
Speaker 2: that's what's meant giving us that anxiety, right, It's the
21:25
Speaker 2: the brain is overactive and it's telling us all these things.
21:30
Speaker 3: And so with the work that.
21:32
Speaker 2: You're doing, you are bringing us back into the present
21:35
Speaker 2: moment and it's okay. And and the things about us
21:40
Speaker 2: storing these things in our body that it's it's the
21:44
Speaker 2: energy withinside of us. And so I was thinking about
21:47
Speaker 2: as you were swaying, right, So that's moving the energy
21:51
Speaker 2: that's maybe.
21:52
Speaker 3: Trapped in the body.
21:53
Speaker 1: Right.
21:54
Speaker 2: So now we've talked about what the somatic work is
21:58
Speaker 2: and what this abandonment and the anxiety attachments, but what
22:04
Speaker 2: about when we bring that into relationships mm hmm. And
22:08
Speaker 2: a lot of times we feel like that I don't
22:12
Speaker 2: know the anxiety or things that we're feeling.
22:14
Speaker 3: We can mistake that is like a feeling of love.
22:18
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, right, and I myself, I mean I did
22:22
Speaker 2: that so many times, right, yes, And so how would
22:27
Speaker 2: you say that we can feel the difference of love
22:32
Speaker 2: or just when we're being activated?
22:36
Speaker 1: What a great question. I just I love that question. Yeah,
22:40
Speaker 1: it's first starting out with how we can start to
22:44
Speaker 1: tell the difference. Is if we're always in an anxious state,
22:48
Speaker 1: like one hundred percent of the time, we're not going
22:50
Speaker 1: to be able to tell the difference. So it's like
22:53
Speaker 1: starting to practice processing your remoments every day, starting to
22:57
Speaker 1: heal the origins of what created these survival patterns of
23:01
Speaker 1: feeling anxious, of creating this anxious attachment. That's when we
23:05
Speaker 1: can start to be like, oh, like I'm maybe I'm
23:08
Speaker 1: going on a date and i was feeling really good
23:12
Speaker 1: before the date. Now I'm walking away from the date
23:16
Speaker 1: and I'm feeling anxious. That's like a short surefire away.
23:21
Speaker 1: I would say, like, love is supposed to feel peaceful, calm, grounded, stable, consistent, right,
23:30
Speaker 1: because relationships will test us. You know, we might feel
23:34
Speaker 1: activated when we're in conflict. We might feel triggered by
23:37
Speaker 1: our partner. But it's like how fast can I come
23:41
Speaker 1: back to that presence? But yeah, It's like I like
23:46
Speaker 1: to think of it this way. It's like, if you
23:48
Speaker 1: are on a first date with someone and you have
23:51
Speaker 1: intense butterflies and anxiety, that is a sign that your
23:55
Speaker 1: attachment trauma has been activated. So versus if you are
24:01
Speaker 1: just feeling calm and steady and you feel like you're
24:04
Speaker 1: safe to be yourself, that is how you can really
24:07
Speaker 1: start to tell the difference.
24:09
Speaker 2: I love that you say that, because I think that
24:12
Speaker 2: that's another thing where we're always seeking maybe our mom's
24:16
Speaker 2: love or our dad's love or whatever, and so we're
24:18
Speaker 2: just we're comfortable in that feeling, and that's what we
24:24
Speaker 2: associate with love, right, Feeling nervous or like having those butterflies,
24:31
Speaker 2: we think, oh, well, I must really like them.
24:33
Speaker 3: I want them to like me.
24:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a surefire away. It's that your attachment is activated.
24:41
Speaker 1: And like something else that isn't talked about enough and
24:48
Speaker 1: it's kind of touchy, is if you're on a first
24:51
Speaker 1: date with someone and you know, we're all human, we're
24:54
Speaker 1: biological creatures. Of course we're attracted to people. But if
24:58
Speaker 1: you feel this, this butterflies, the spark, this intense like feeling,
25:05
Speaker 1: and then coupled with I want to have physical intimacy
25:08
Speaker 1: with this person, that's most likely triggering your nervous system
25:12
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, this is someone familiar. This dynamic
25:17
Speaker 1: reminds my nervous system of whom I craved the love
25:21
Speaker 1: from the most growing.
25:24
Speaker 3: That's cool, that's that's powerful m hm and so true.
25:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just when you just are so used to
25:35
Speaker 2: that chaotic state, even though you say it, we want
25:38
Speaker 2: it to be different.
25:40
Speaker 3: You keep you're attracted to it over and over again.
25:44
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly, because it's unconscious.
25:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's like you think, oh, well, that's that's
25:50
Speaker 2: safe because that's the feeling, I know, But then it's
25:55
Speaker 2: actually not.
25:56
Speaker 3: You're wanting to get away from that.
26:00
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
26:01
Speaker 2: What about negative coping mechanisms or especially like young people,
26:07
Speaker 2: what are you saying with that?
26:09
Speaker 1: What a great question. And I'm also trained in somatic
26:14
Speaker 1: iss and so when we look at quote unquote negative
26:19
Speaker 1: coping mechanisms, this could be cutting, this could be binge eating,
26:23
Speaker 1: this could be scrolling on TikTok for eight hours a day.
26:26
Speaker 1: I know my teenagers be listening to this and are like, oh,
26:30
Speaker 1: VALI that is me. You know, we all want to
26:33
Speaker 1: look at it as a form of how is this
26:36
Speaker 1: helping you in some way? You know, maybe it's the
26:40
Speaker 1: TikTok is numbing you from the state of the world,
26:44
Speaker 1: the stress that you're feeling, the you know, it's distracting
26:47
Speaker 1: you from you know, after you had an argument with
26:50
Speaker 1: your mom, right like, how is this binge eating stopping
26:57
Speaker 1: your emotional pain? It's like when we learn and look
27:01
Speaker 1: at how is this helping me? Versus immediately shaming the behavior,
27:07
Speaker 1: then the person can feel acknowledged and accepted. And because
27:12
Speaker 1: we cannot change through shame, we can only change through love.
27:17
Speaker 1: And so I'll I'll just call myself out here, right,
27:20
Speaker 1: like this is one that I've been working through that
27:23
Speaker 1: like has kind of come up. And I'll say I
27:26
Speaker 1: most of the year I live in Tulu, Mexico, but
27:29
Speaker 1: in July this month, I decided to come back visit
27:32
Speaker 1: friends and family. And you know that there can be
27:36
Speaker 1: triggers there. And an old pattern of mine used to
27:39
Speaker 1: be like watching like this show called Swat like it's
27:45
Speaker 1: very high dopamine, like it's it can be a very
27:48
Speaker 1: stressful show, right, like they're saving people's lives, et cetera.
27:52
Speaker 1: So I was watching that pretty late last night, and
27:55
Speaker 1: then after I turned it off, in the show, like
27:59
Speaker 1: this girl lost her best friend in like on duty
28:04
Speaker 1: and she was crying, and that triggered my own grief,
28:07
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, this makes sense, right, Like
28:10
Speaker 1: this makes sense that it was stopping me from feeling this,
28:15
Speaker 1: and like, wow, how much compassion I can have for
28:17
Speaker 1: myself and these parts that these parts are protecting me
28:21
Speaker 1: so deeply from something they feel might be too overwhelming
28:25
Speaker 1: and it's like, but the more we tried to get
28:28
Speaker 1: rid of these feelings, the more we're actually stopping ourselves
28:33
Speaker 1: from feeling support and feeling our own unconditional love. Because
28:38
Speaker 1: after I allow myself to feel that grief, I just
28:41
Speaker 1: felt pure unconditional love for you know, the part of
28:46
Speaker 1: me that was experiencing this specific grief around six months ago.
28:50
Speaker 1: And it's like, when we give ourselves that commission to
28:55
Speaker 1: drop in and be like, how is this supporting me
28:59
Speaker 1: in this moment by watching slat or scrolling TikTok? What
29:03
Speaker 1: is this actually protecting me from feeling.
29:06
Speaker 2: I love that because it's asking the questions and it's
29:08
Speaker 2: getting curious exactly why am I feeling this way? And
29:14
Speaker 2: that's so important for me. I spent years drinking. That's
29:20
Speaker 2: where I masked all of my trauma and my pain
29:25
Speaker 2: and pushed it down and pushed it down.
29:27
Speaker 3: And just going to take a quick moment.
29:30
Speaker 2: Just recently released a book, wake Up, You're Not Broken,
29:34
Speaker 2: and it's a gentle companion for those who are ready
29:36
Speaker 2: to stop drinking, take their life back, and move from
29:39
Speaker 2: that chaos to piece one day at a time.
29:42
Speaker 3: So we'll be right back.
29:44
Speaker 2: Are you in the first thirty days of sobriety or
29:47
Speaker 2: wondering if now is your time to start. Hi. I'm
29:50
Speaker 2: Marcy Hopkins and I wrote wake Up You're Not Broken,
29:53
Speaker 2: just for you. It's a real raw guide to those
29:56
Speaker 2: first thirty days, what no one tells you, what you feel,
30:00
Speaker 2: and how to keep going. This isn't about perfection, It's
30:04
Speaker 2: about progress. Or to your copy now on Amazon. Remember
30:09
Speaker 2: you're not alone, You're not broken, You're waking up. Okay, Valerie,
30:15
Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone. God, what an incredible conversation we're having.
30:20
Speaker 2: And Valerie, you have just brought to light so many
30:25
Speaker 2: things that I myself have worked through. And I just
30:30
Speaker 2: I love the work that you're doing and you're I
30:34
Speaker 2: just know that you're helping so many people with the
30:36
Speaker 2: work that you're doing.
30:38
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yeah, it's just such a gift
30:41
Speaker 1: for me to share this with the world. And if
30:44
Speaker 1: I can inspire or help someone release their shame or
30:49
Speaker 1: feel understood and seen, then I know that I've I've
30:53
Speaker 1: done my mission here.
30:54
Speaker 3: Yeah.
30:55
Speaker 2: So we were talking about the nervous system, right and
30:57
Speaker 2: regulating the nervous system, and that's what you teach. That's
31:00
Speaker 2: a big part of what you do, So, can you
31:04
Speaker 2: just share with us a little bit like what that
31:08
Speaker 2: actually means, yes, and why it's so important for our healing.
31:14
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
31:15
Speaker 1: So what the nervous system means is we all have one, right,
31:19
Speaker 1: So we have four different states of the nervous system.
31:21
Speaker 1: So flight, which is that anxiety that we've been talking about,
31:26
Speaker 1: freeze are shut down. So this is when too much
31:29
Speaker 1: overwhelmed has been accumulating, and so now our body is
31:32
Speaker 1: conserving energy. We become depressed, lacking motivation, lacking energy, and
31:39
Speaker 1: so that looks like depression, and then we have that
31:44
Speaker 1: fight response, that anger, and then we have fawning, which
31:48
Speaker 1: is people pleasing looking like that, codependency looking like I
31:53
Speaker 1: want to say no, but I'm saying yes. I feel
31:56
Speaker 1: guilty when setting boundaries. And so the work that I
31:59
Speaker 1: do is I have specific tools for specific nervous system states.
32:04
Speaker 1: Because on the Internet they will tell you okay, if
32:07
Speaker 1: you're really anxious or overthinking, just journal Journaling can be
32:11
Speaker 1: a great tool, but journaling actually keeps you out of
32:15
Speaker 1: your body and just in here. So what we want
32:18
Speaker 1: to do is we want to when we're anxious, like
32:21
Speaker 1: kind of what I talked about earlier, we want to
32:25
Speaker 1: match the intensity with the tool. So say your anxiety
32:30
Speaker 1: is a seven out of even a five out of
32:33
Speaker 1: ten plus, right, So first, it's like shaking out our body.
32:38
Speaker 1: When a deer is hit or when we have something
32:41
Speaker 1: stressful or we're in a car accident, our body wants
32:44
Speaker 1: to shake, and so literally intentionally shaking out the adrenaline,
32:49
Speaker 1: the cortisol. Doing this for about a minute will help
32:53
Speaker 1: to bring down that activation. Having a cold ice pack
32:57
Speaker 1: on the sides of your neck, on your cheeks, on
33:01
Speaker 1: the back of your neck, this helps to stimulate that
33:04
Speaker 1: vegas nerve. Our vegus nerve sends signals to our body
33:07
Speaker 1: that we're safe and that nerve controlled whether or not
33:12
Speaker 1: that fight or flight system is turned on. So vegus
33:15
Speaker 1: nerve exercises is also something that I teach clients to do,
33:18
Speaker 1: even with routines like with less than five minutes a day,
33:22
Speaker 1: and so that's another tangent. But going back to the
33:26
Speaker 1: resistant regulation, Yeah, shaking, standing up and doing arm swings,
33:31
Speaker 1: doing because if you feel like in our body when
33:35
Speaker 1: we're in that high anxiety state, we feel like we're
33:38
Speaker 1: running from a tiger. So it would be pretty silly
33:42
Speaker 1: if we are sitting down with our eyes closed or
33:46
Speaker 1: journaling if we feel a tiger is coming toward us.
33:50
Speaker 1: So these are some of the exercises that I teach
33:52
Speaker 1: clients so that we can actually start to discharge and
33:57
Speaker 1: release that access stress and adrenaline. And so that's for anxiety.
34:02
Speaker 1: So for depression or that free state. Like with anxiety,
34:07
Speaker 1: we have a lot of energy, okay, so with the
34:10
Speaker 1: freeze shutdown response, we don't have enough energy. So we
34:13
Speaker 1: want to mobilize and bring more energy. So this even
34:17
Speaker 1: looks like sternum tapping, and this looks like rubbing the
34:22
Speaker 1: arms really quickly the legs that heat. Feeling that heat
34:27
Speaker 1: that's bringing up some mobilization. Doing two part breathing, so
34:33
Speaker 1: inhale through the chest, inhale through the belly exhale, and
34:36
Speaker 1: doing that somewhat quickly. These are just three of some
34:39
Speaker 1: of the exercises that I do. You know, mobilizing that
34:44
Speaker 1: energy because people can tell what people who are struggling
34:49
Speaker 1: with depression or shut down just meditate. That is the
34:54
Speaker 1: worst thing to do, like a sitting down meditation. You're
34:59
Speaker 1: in that state eight. Yeah, it's bringing you more relaxation
35:04
Speaker 1: and more groundedness. Versus we want to mobilize that energy
35:10
Speaker 1: that's kind of put further into that dysregulated state. Oh wow, yeah,
35:15
Speaker 1: and so that's and then like anger. Right. I also
35:19
Speaker 1: used to be a boxing instructor. Yeah, so it's like okay,
35:24
Speaker 1: letting out that anger. I don't know, this could be
35:27
Speaker 1: location specific, going to a rage room, going.
35:30
Speaker 3: To let's stop their valerie for one second.
35:34
Speaker 2: A rage room is and not everybody may know what
35:39
Speaker 2: a rage room is, Yes, but they're so cool because
35:42
Speaker 2: they're just like plates and glasses and all these different
35:45
Speaker 2: Do you just go in and break everything?
35:48
Speaker 3: Yes?
35:48
Speaker 1: Yes, it can be very cathartic and I highly recommend. Right,
35:53
Speaker 1: it's also like okay, punching a pillow, maybe screaming into
35:57
Speaker 1: your pillow, screaming in your car, if you're you know,
36:02
Speaker 1: the things stomping your feet, that's going to start to
36:06
Speaker 1: release that anger so that you're not internalizing it and
36:10
Speaker 1: bringing that anger into like internalizing it, bringing it into yourself.
36:14
Speaker 2: So if we have the anger, like for me, like
36:17
Speaker 2: a lot of times, I don't get angry a lot,
36:20
Speaker 2: but when I do, it's like I feel this heat
36:22
Speaker 2: inside of me and I just oh my god, I
36:25
Speaker 2: feel like I could hurt somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, And
36:30
Speaker 2: so it's in those moments when you start to feel
36:33
Speaker 2: that heat that maybe what can you do?
36:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, So exactly like you said, we're guiding the natural impulses.
36:42
Speaker 1: So punching a pillow, okay, pushing up against the wall,
36:47
Speaker 1: like there's like a wall here, but it's like, okay,
36:50
Speaker 1: standing with your feet planted and pushing that frustration, pushing
36:55
Speaker 1: that anger into the wall. And as you do that,
36:58
Speaker 1: letting out audible side or a scream, right, that helps
37:02
Speaker 1: to really release that anger, you know.
37:05
Speaker 3: To scream at somebody else.
37:06
Speaker 1: Exactly.
37:07
Speaker 2: That's how your relationships, right, your children or your husband.
37:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, because postpartum rage, mom rage and just anger
37:18
Speaker 1: is a real thing. And we need to stop telling
37:21
Speaker 1: women that you shouldn't be angry, that it's not okay
37:24
Speaker 1: to be angry when in every mammal we're born with that.
37:29
Speaker 1: Like it's it's showing how a boundary has been crossed.
37:33
Speaker 1: Something is not okay with me, and it's like where
37:35
Speaker 1: can we notice what value is not being prioritized here?
37:42
Speaker 3: Yeah?
37:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, gotta love that. So for someone that's watching or
37:47
Speaker 2: listening and god, I mean they're they're exhausted because you
37:52
Speaker 2: are when you're in these unhealthy relationships. H what's the
37:57
Speaker 2: what's the first step that they could take to detach.
38:05
Speaker 3: Move away?
38:07
Speaker 1: That's a great question. So like the absolute first step
38:13
Speaker 1: is kind of going back to that first thing is
38:15
Speaker 1: processing your emotions, because when we are attached, well, so
38:20
Speaker 1: much in there, but when we're really attached to someone
38:24
Speaker 1: who's not good for us. I say that in quotes,
38:27
Speaker 1: what ends up happening is we're looking to them for relief.
38:30
Speaker 1: We're just looking for them to soothe our anxiety. We're
38:34
Speaker 1: looking to them to not feel alone. We're looking to
38:37
Speaker 1: them to distract us from what we're feeling. And so
38:41
Speaker 1: if we can start to build a relationship with the
38:45
Speaker 1: sensations or our body, slowly and building that relationship, we learn, hey,
38:50
Speaker 1: I can be the adult here, I can be the
38:53
Speaker 1: one to soothe you, to regulate you, and you are
38:57
Speaker 1: not alone. And so when you start to do that,
39:01
Speaker 1: over time, you will build that relationship and you'll slowly
39:04
Speaker 1: start to be able to detach because that intention and
39:09
Speaker 1: that me that they've been feeling, you can now feel
39:11
Speaker 1: that on your own. But also I think a big
39:15
Speaker 1: thing is getting somatic work because if we cannot detach
39:20
Speaker 1: and we consciously know, hey, this person isn't right, we
39:25
Speaker 1: need to go back to what is this person activating
39:29
Speaker 1: inside of me? Maybe they're activating my parts that want
39:33
Speaker 1: me to prove my worth because that was familiar with
39:35
Speaker 1: me with my mother. Let's just say as an example
39:38
Speaker 1: of someone's listening. And so it's like when we heal
39:41
Speaker 1: that original wound of Okay, this person is triggering me.
39:45
Speaker 1: They're making me feel not good enough, They're making me
39:47
Speaker 1: feel anxious. When was the first time you started feeling that?
39:51
Speaker 1: What does this feeling remind you of in your past?
39:54
Speaker 2: Oh?
39:54
Speaker 1: How I acted with my mother?
39:56
Speaker 4: Okay, what if we can just process those sensations and
39:58
Speaker 4: emotions in the body that that are not like this
40:02
Speaker 4: person is just triggering it, right like people who are
40:06
Speaker 4: anxiously attached.
40:06
Speaker 1: And this was my pattern? Is I used to be like,
40:09
Speaker 1: oh my god, my partner isn't meeting my needs or
40:13
Speaker 1: my partner if only they were to just go to therapy,
40:17
Speaker 1: they would just be such a better partner. Da da da,
40:19
Speaker 1: If only they would do this, this and this. That
40:23
Speaker 1: again is looking for our partner to rescue us. It's
40:26
Speaker 1: looking it's putting our power away. Really when it's like
40:30
Speaker 1: we are the savior and the rest you are to
40:34
Speaker 1: our inner child, not our partner.
40:37
Speaker 2: I love that you said that because I was exactly
40:40
Speaker 2: the same and it really was when I stopped going
40:44
Speaker 2: outside of myself and went within that I changed everything
40:48
Speaker 2: and I and I found that love for myself. And
40:50
Speaker 2: then you have touched on that multiple times about like
40:55
Speaker 2: when you have that love for yourself, it changes everything
41:00
Speaker 2: m hm. And you are able to become comfortable in
41:05
Speaker 2: so many of the decisions that you make and understand
41:07
Speaker 2: the feelings and again like you ask like like you said,
41:10
Speaker 2: asking those questions of yourself, like why am I feeling
41:14
Speaker 2: this way right now?
41:16
Speaker 3: Why am I being triggered?
41:18
Speaker 2: And it's just there's just like this connection with yourself
41:23
Speaker 2: that you never had before.
41:26
Speaker 1: Yes, And I think a lot of people look at
41:29
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm starting therapy or I'm starting this
41:31
Speaker 1: coaching or I'm starting somatic work, like how daunting or
41:35
Speaker 1: maybe like overwhelming. It can feel are exhausting or this
41:40
Speaker 1: feeling of I'm broken. But actually on the other side
41:43
Speaker 1: of feeling your way through these emotions, you will feel
41:47
Speaker 1: the deepest sense of self love and confidence that you
41:52
Speaker 1: wouldn't have felt previously, because it's like a learned skill
41:56
Speaker 1: when you haven't learned it when you had emotionally unavailable parents.
42:00
Speaker 1: And so when we start to practice that skill and
42:03
Speaker 1: process these emotions through the body, love emerges because the
42:07
Speaker 1: shame is dissolving when we're with another person. And this
42:12
Speaker 1: is why AI is never going to be a replacement
42:16
Speaker 1: for coaches or therapists because complex trauma or anxious attachment,
42:22
Speaker 1: what wounds people is those original relationships. And so what's
42:27
Speaker 1: also healing. We need disconfirming experiences, meaning experiences that disconfirm
42:33
Speaker 1: our passed. My mother didn't listen to me, my mother
42:36
Speaker 1: was emotionally unavailable. Okay, I'm meeting with this coach or
42:39
Speaker 1: therapist once or twice a week or once every two weeks,
42:43
Speaker 1: like this is my space to be like I matter,
42:46
Speaker 1: My needs are important. This person is listening to me,
42:49
Speaker 1: they're acknowledging me, they're helping me process because you never
42:53
Speaker 1: got that as a child. So it's extremely healing and
42:57
Speaker 1: important that relationship with your coach or therapys.
43:00
Speaker 2: I agree one hundred percent. And just one last question
43:05
Speaker 2: for someone out there that's been chasing their love their
43:09
Speaker 2: love from somebody else, their entire life.
43:13
Speaker 3: What would you say to them today, what.
43:16
Speaker 1: A great question. Chasing is just a symptom of not
43:21
Speaker 1: feeling safe, because when we've never found that internal safety,
43:25
Speaker 1: when we've had an anxious attachment, we learn that my
43:29
Speaker 1: safety is external. So of course, if I've never had
43:31
Speaker 1: safety in my life, I need it externally. I need
43:34
Speaker 1: it outside through making seven figures of my business, through
43:40
Speaker 1: this perfect partner that's going to meet all my needs
43:43
Speaker 1: one hundred percent of the time. Right, I say that sarcastically.
43:46
Speaker 1: And so when we start to build that internal safety
43:50
Speaker 1: in our body, we're going to feel less of the
43:54
Speaker 1: grip is how I describe it, because when I can
43:57
Speaker 1: get when I've gotten triggered, that's what it feels like,
44:00
Speaker 1: gripping chasing, And it's like when we come back to
44:04
Speaker 1: everything I need in this moment is taken care of.
44:07
Speaker 1: Everything in this moment that I'm looking for is already
44:11
Speaker 1: within me. How can I start connecting with that and
44:15
Speaker 1: helping myself feel even one percent more safe and then
44:19
Speaker 1: we can start to access this love that we're desperately
44:22
Speaker 1: seeking through others.
44:25
Speaker 2: Gotta love that, So, Valerie, where can we find more
44:29
Speaker 2: about you and if need can you do soematic work
44:33
Speaker 2: online get like virtually.
44:36
Speaker 3: Yes.
44:36
Speaker 1: My practice is one hundred percent virtual, Okay. So where
44:39
Speaker 1: people can find me is two different ways. On Instagram
44:44
Speaker 1: heal with bel Hga l with val I share tools
44:48
Speaker 1: and tricks and all my opinions and thoughts on anxious attachment,
44:52
Speaker 1: how to really start to build healthy relationships after trauma.
44:57
Speaker 1: And then another way to connect with me is I
45:00
Speaker 1: myself have a podcast called The Anxiety Recovery Podcast. It's
45:03
Speaker 1: all about overcoming chronic anxiety, healing anxious attachment, and teaching
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Speaker 1: you the skills to build healthy relationships after trauma. I
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Speaker 1: have thought leaders, guest experts, people in the trauma healing fields,
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Speaker 1: and we talk about these topics in depth and give
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Speaker 1: you the tools and knowledge that you need to build
45:24
Speaker 1: that secure attachment.
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Speaker 2: Fantastic because I've been there. Thank God, I'm on the
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Speaker 2: other side of it, so that's fantastic. Valerie, thank you
45:34
Speaker 2: again for coming on Wake Up with Marcy And what's
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Speaker 2: next for Valerie?
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Speaker 1: Oh, what a great question. What's next for Valerie is
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Speaker 1: soon I'll be back in Toulom so I'm really excited
45:48
Speaker 1: about that for you. Yeah, I'm not sure when this
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Speaker 1: is going to be published, but I would love if possible.
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Speaker 1: I actually am having a free masterclass on how to
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Speaker 1: heal your fear of abandonment and the fear that people
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Speaker 1: will leave you. And that's completely for free. I'm going
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Speaker 1: to be sharing tools and ways to actually start to
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Speaker 1: hear this from the root using somatic therapy, explaining why
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Speaker 1: other methods have not been working for you. That's happening
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Speaker 1: on July fifteenth, I write, when we're recording, it's July eighth,
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Speaker 1: but that I would love for anyone to hop on
46:23
Speaker 1: listen to the replay if possible.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think that's amazing. You got to make
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Speaker 2: that a little ebook for people to grab.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely.
46:35
Speaker 2: All right, Valerie, thank you again, and for all those
46:38
Speaker 2: out there of this conversation resonated with you, please make
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Speaker 2: sure to like common and share this episode with someone
46:45
Speaker 2: who may need to hear it. And I think there's
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Speaker 2: a lot of people out there that may need to
46:49
Speaker 2: hear this. So healthy love doesn't begin with finding the
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Speaker 2: right person, which is something I used to think was true.
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Speaker 2: It really begins with feeling safe enough to be yourself
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Speaker 2: and with yourself, and if you're on your own healing journey.
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Speaker 2: I hope you'll also check out my book wake Up
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Speaker 2: You're Not Broken, available now on Amazon.
47:11
Speaker 3: And remember this.
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Speaker 2: Your past may explain your patterns, but it does not
47:16
Speaker 2: have to define your future. You are worthy of love,
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Speaker 2: you are worthy of healing, and you are worthy of peace.
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Speaker 2: So I look forward to seeing you next Thursday with
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Speaker 2: a new episode. Thank you so much again for listening
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Speaker 2: and joining. Goodbye everyone, Bye Valerie.
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Speaker 1: Bye,