Latest / Drawn of History / Theo and Joey Diaz Tell INSANE Greyhound Bus Stories(M4A_128K)

Transcript

Theo and Joey Diaz Tell INSANE Greyhound Bus Stories(M4A_128K) · Drawn of History

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Do you ever take Greyhound to go up to the
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: shows or whatever? How was it up here?
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: What do you mean Greyhound?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Greyhound bus?
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Or Peter Pan?
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: You ever take one of them? No, just Greyhound. Greyhound, bro.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: I used to take Greyhounds when I was a feature actor. Yeah.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Oh, dude, when early on, I would be taking some
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Greyhound sometimes, dude. Bro, we had this one stop. It
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: was over by like Hammond, right? And they had some dude,
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: he would always, they call him the Hammond slurper, right?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: This dude would get out. And he was just a
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: gay dude or he pretended like he wasn't gay or whatever,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: but he was really being gay. But he would be like,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: you know, hey, guys, if anybody wants it here in Hammond,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: he would just make an announcement. I was like, you know,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: like I'm giving it out, you know, and everybody be
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: sitting there like fucking who's going to get up, you know,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: who's like winning the gay lottery or whatever. And every
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: now and then you'd see some dude like I'm a
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: step out to smoke or something and somebody go follow
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: him over there. And he was blowing dudes over there
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: in Hammond over there, Hammond, Louisiana. Where the blow job's
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: always wet, brother, because of the humidity anyway, you know?
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You fucking just put your wiener in the air and
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: you feel like something's sucking on it. Just that kind
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: of area over there. But yeah, Greyhound, I'm trying to think.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Bring up anything on Greyhound. You got any crazy stuff?
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Some of the stuff that's happening on Greyhound, I used
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: to get on Greyhound Twitter feed, right? This is what
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I used to do. I would get on there because
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: they have a bus help. It's at Greyhound bus help
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: or something. And people would be like, look, we pulled
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: over here off the LIE. This motherfucker's on fire, right?
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Somebody's calling somebody's four-year-old a f * * k or whatever.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: And I would be like, I would just reply from
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: my personal Twitter. I'd be like, don't you worry, guys.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: We'll be right there, right?
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: These motherfuckers. What do we have here? Here we go.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Here's one right here. The dude on the left is
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: doing knife hits of meth on a Greyhound bus. Both
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: are arguing constantly. Oh, yeah, that's hound, baby.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: That's hound, dude. So that's the neighborhood where you would
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: take the bus at?
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: No, this is just random people talking about stuff on Greyhound.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: During reloading in Tallahassee, the driver left me at the
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: station and most of my luggage was in the bus
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: number 86846 heading to Jacksonville. It passed now, then 24
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: hours I reported about it.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: No feedback still. Same shit here. My silver luggage was
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: stolen on 822 from my way to Buffalo. I made
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: a claim and they didn't do shit. Want me to
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: wait for what? Yeah, you're done. You lose anything on Greyhound,
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: there's no customer service.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Bro, they motherfuckers, they won't give you a hug. They
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: won't even give you a fucking hug.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: That's a cold way to travel, but when you're making
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: $ 400 for fucking 18 shows and you want to snort
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: coke and have a good time, you got to cut
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: back at some different divisions. Yeah. And that's why, sure.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: I used to take the L.A. bus to El Paso, Texas. Nuh-uh.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: as a feature act, and then he started headlining. He
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: didn't pay much, so I would take the fucking Monday night, Express, 11.45,
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: got your tell, pass, or 1 o'clock the next day. Nuh-uh.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: You were on that bus overnight. Yeah. But the Express
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: only made a few stops. Oh, yeah. But fucking, I
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: was on that thing one time, and the heat broke,
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: and there was like 20 Asians going to Texas. And
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: after about two hours, that bus started kicking. Not that
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: the Asians were dirty. I'm not saying that. Yeah. But
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: it was hot. And the body sweat. That whole bus
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: smelled like a Ying Ying fucking factory. Oh, yeah. I
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: was on. And they had great coke and whatever. So
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: my first time ever in El Paso. I'm about to
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: leave Saturday night. I just got paid. And some guy's like, hey, man,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: you want to do a bump? And he gave me two.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: And I looked at him. You know, I could buy something.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: He goes, nah, just take the rest out of this.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: It was like four grams of Coke he gave me.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: I'll never forget the next day. I didn't do it
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: all that night. I'm going to save some to take back.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: How do you save some? Listen to the fucking story. Yes, sir.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Something made me pass out. I woke up the next day,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: got the three grams, whatever was in there, put it
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: in my pocket, got on the bus. Take off. I'm
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: happy as shit. I go in the back of my pocket.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: I do two bumps. I'm ready to sit there for
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: 11 hours doing little bumps. And all of a sudden,
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: the bus gets pulled over by three fucking immigration cops.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: And with dogs and shit. I'm dead. So I did
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: the best possible thing. I took the fucking grams out.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: And I snorted in one fucking swipe. Grounded it up,
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: threw it in the bathroom, washed my hands. He's like,
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: get to your seat. My hands were washed. There was
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: no coke on me. But now I had to deal
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: with the fucking three gram line I did. All of
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: a sudden I couldn't catch my wind and shit. And
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: then I just started sweating. Bro, by the time they
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: got there with the dog, the dog was barking at
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: me from a distance. You know, like, whoop, whoop, because
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: it was coming out immediately. I'm sitting there, 390 pounds,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: fucking sweating, cocaine juice, Malamalenka juice, and God knows what
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: else was coming out of me. That was not a
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: pleasant experience. Another time I was on one going to Buffalo.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: And I started a conversation with the girl. I didn't
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: even say nothing. She started telling me how she's a
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: stripper and she got an STD in Buffalo.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: It's not that girl who's pussy can hum up. No.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: Like a Christmas carol or whatever. Is that that girl?
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: No, no, no.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: This is a chick on a greyhound. That would have
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: been better. And even if she did, how do you
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: get to humming a Christmas carol with your pussy? That's
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: a complete different conversation. Usually that involves money and cocaine
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: before you get to be that open.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: I didn't know if it was the same girl.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: No, no. And she's telling me that if you go
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: to the doctor and they prescribe something, it goes on
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: your stripping license or whatever. So it goes on a
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: report and they won't let you dance until you go
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: back to the doctor. And she's like, I got three kids.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: I got to dance. So she was going from like.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: Buffalo to Syracuse before the paperwork shot over just so
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: she'd get a couple of wiggles and get paid before
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: the fuck. And everybody knew she had VD. This is
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: the kind of people you meet on the bus, which
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: makes it entertaining. All the best. And it's part of comedy.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: It's part of the fucking gig. Yeah. You know, think
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: about it. You might go to a gig now and
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: take a private plane. It's great. We've earned it. But
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: at the same time, look at how we used to
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: take a bus and be just fine and get there
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: with a story. And as a comic, We base our
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: lives on stories. Before I even go on my material,
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: I took a bus here today. I got an hour
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: of material of what I saw. People having sex. I
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: saw this fat couple fucking on the back. He got stuck.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: They started yelling. Shit like that. Yeah, for safety or whatever.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: What makes you think getting on a Greyhound, you can fuck?
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, where's your mentality? You want to fuck somebody,
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: fuck them in first class or in the bathroom on
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: a plane. I fucked on a Greyhound before. You're a
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: hell of a Christian. You're a better Christian than I am. Look, dude.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, dude.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: And I don't even know if I wanted to, but
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: I think- You just met her? Huh? No.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: It was a girl I knew.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: Okay. We were riding- No condom. Fuck it. Yeah. She's
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: going from point A to point B. You're going off
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: to two strangers.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: They didn't have any condoms on the bus. I remember
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: even asking a driver and it was at night and
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: he's like, I told him straight up. I was like,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to make out with my lady back here.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: And he's like, well, I'll drive real slow if you
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: break me off an extra $ 40. So I fucking hooked
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: him up and he drove like he probably drove 25
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: on the interstate. Almost like a romantic sort of thing
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: in a way. Because you don't get to go that
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: slow on the interstate. I mean, this was back when
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: miles per hour was probably 55. But he put the
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: flashing lights on and shit. I felt like a fucking,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: like a president or something. I felt like I was
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: traveling to heaven. But yeah, she was like sitting on
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: my lap or whatever, making love back there. But yeah,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I remember that, dude. Greyhound, they'd always have something. It
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: would be like some dude set his dick on fire
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: or whatever, or two dudes were looking for somebody's dick
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: or it was always the stuff that happened on there
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: was crazy. One time I'm on there, a guy's like,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: he said, hey, you want to see something, right? And
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I thought it was going to be his wiener or whatever.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: He opens his bag up and it's just a bag
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: of jewelry, right? Like he just robbed a jewelry store.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Then he picks the bag up and hands it to
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: me to look in it. When he does that, under
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: the bag, got his wiener out. So I lost, you know,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: or he won or whatever. I don't know what it was.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: But, yeah.