Latest / The World of Phil Hendrie / Episode #3957 The New Phil Hendrie Show

Transcript

Episode #3957 The New Phil Hendrie Show · The World of Phil Hendrie

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello everyone, this is Margaret Gray. I am going to
0:03
Speaker 1: be hosting today's program, and actually it is an encore show.
0:08
Speaker 1: Now before you all start to threaten suicide, or stepping
0:12
Speaker 1: in front of a trolley car, or you'll just never
0:14
Speaker 1: have anything more to do with Phil ever again, he
0:17
Speaker 1: is up early tomorrow for a series of ADR sessions.
0:21
Speaker 1: Those are voice sessions where you have to record new
0:26
Speaker 1: lines of something you already recorded. So it's taxing, it's tiring.
0:30
Speaker 1: It takes a long time, and Phil may wind up
0:33
Speaker 1: leaping from a window at the end of it. He
0:35
Speaker 1: also has a long workday early tomorrow. So this is
0:39
Speaker 1: why sometimes, especially these days, we do these encore shows.
0:44
Speaker 1: Phil thinks he's going to be some big TV star,
0:46
Speaker 1: so let's just humor him. Now, this is from last year.
0:50
Speaker 1: I was hosting. We were in New York City. Phil
0:54
Speaker 1: was having a lot of fun. Everybody else, Bud, you?
0:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was having fun.
0:57
Speaker 3: Everyone was having fun.
0:58
Speaker 4: I was.
0:59
Speaker 3: Sure. Yeah, okay. I was having fun. Anyway, here we are.
1:03
Speaker 5: Last year, Jay Santos makes an appearance. General Shaw is here.
1:08
Speaker 5: Some people I've never heard of as well.
1:10
Speaker 2: The following is a world-famous Phil Henry show.
1:13
Speaker 3: That's it. Encore presentation. Yes, hello.
1:17
Speaker 5: This is Margaret Gray from New York City. And I'm
1:22
Speaker 5: here hosting today's Phil Henry show. Phil has just completed,
1:27
Speaker 5: along with his castmates, another performance of Tom Alper's The Pitch. Yes,
1:33
Speaker 5: I am here on the streets of New York, and yes,
1:36
Speaker 5: I'll be perfectly honest with you, because... Hold on, bud.
1:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, you.
1:40
Speaker 5: Hold on, bud.
1:42
Speaker 3: Because there was a little bit of... We did get
1:44
Speaker 3: some emails, and some controversy.
1:47
Speaker 5: People say, well... And it was interesting, you know, people
1:49
Speaker 5: will say this behind your back. Will they say it
1:51
Speaker 5: to your face? Well.
1:55
Speaker 5: I know there's a siren.
1:56
Speaker 3: Would you?
1:56
Speaker 5: Bud, why don't you back off? And so they said
2:03
Speaker 5: in some of these emails that they say behind, you know,
2:05
Speaker 5: it's easy to email someone and say, I'm sorry I
2:09
Speaker 5: wasn't there. I'm not even going to dignify it. Margaret was,
2:12
Speaker 5: a lot of people wrote in and said, boy, I
2:14
Speaker 5: wish I was there while you were squatting on a box.
2:17
Speaker 5: The animation being that they wanted to look up her.
2:21
Speaker 3: So anyway, I'm here.
2:24
Speaker 5: We're on 8th Avenue, where we were last night. Phil
2:27
Speaker 5: has gone on ahead to get some sleep, I think
2:31
Speaker 5: is what he's saying. I guess I'll answer the question. Yes,
2:36
Speaker 5: we are using different things to sit on. And again,
2:41
Speaker 5: I say the words sit on as in sitting down
2:45
Speaker 5: on something, not the way this one here.
2:46
Speaker 4: I was only sitting with Mr.
2:48
Speaker 2: Hayden.
2:49
Speaker 5: Go ahead, General. Phil insisted that Bud be here, that
2:54
Speaker 5: Margaret would... I got it. Phil is off sleeping, and
2:57
Speaker 5: he said I could do the show as long as
2:59
Speaker 5: Bud and the rest of the crew were here. He
3:02
Speaker 5: didn't want any changes, but he did tell you, Bud.
3:05
Speaker 2: He told me that I was.
3:07
Speaker 3: He didn't tell you that you could.
3:08
Speaker 5: Every time I say the term... Here, I got it.
3:11
Speaker 5: When Margaret says sit on it or anything like that,
3:13
Speaker 5: Bud is not allowed to laugh. Did you understand that
3:16
Speaker 5: when Mr. Henry said that?
3:17
Speaker 2: Yes, sir, I did.
3:18
Speaker 5: I am also chewing on some Altoids because I have...
3:23
Speaker 5: I detected, anyway, some fetid breath. My breath has been bad.
3:28
Speaker 5: And I don't have a problem talking about this. My
3:31
Speaker 5: breath has been bad, I'd say, the last 14 hours, General.
3:35
Speaker 2: Well, I gotta.
3:36
Speaker 5: You don't have to tell us what.
3:38
Speaker 2: He said he got a whiff of it.
3:39
Speaker 5: What did I tell you?
3:41
Speaker 2: Oh, she didn't hit him.
3:43
Speaker 5: I pushed you a little bit.
3:44
Speaker 2: You're not allowed to.
3:46
Speaker 3: Oh, you're gonna make a big deal out of it, bud?
3:47
Speaker 2: You pushed me.
3:48
Speaker 5: I'm sorry, okay? My breath has been fetid. I would
3:52
Speaker 5: say it's been even rank. From, I don't know what it,
3:55
Speaker 5: the coffee? Well, I think it's a combination of coffee,
3:58
Speaker 5: not brushing your teeth. Excuse me, but I did not
4:02
Speaker 5: have the opportunity to brush my teeth this morning. Why
4:05
Speaker 5: are we even talking about this?
4:06
Speaker 2: Here, I got it. I'm Bud Dickman.
4:10
Speaker 5: And we're here on the streets of New York. Yes, okay,
4:12
Speaker 5: I'll go ahead and I'll continue what I was saying.
4:14
Speaker 5: I'm not ashamed of, most people, what is the honking
4:17
Speaker 5: going on?
4:17
Speaker 3: Is that the guy again?
4:19
Speaker 5: That's that same cab driver from yesterday.
4:20
Speaker 3: Hey, up yours. No, let me do it. Hey, you,
4:24
Speaker 3: just sit on this, huh?
4:26
Speaker 5: This, what I'm pointing at.
4:28
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll bet you would. Vulgar, crude, slob-like.
4:34
Speaker 5: Some of the cab drivers here in New York, not
4:36
Speaker 5: all of them, but a moment ago, this man drove by,
4:40
Speaker 5: and he did recognize me, right?
4:42
Speaker 3: He did.
4:42
Speaker 2: He said, you, Margaret Gray, and Ms. Gray, you ignored him.
4:46
Speaker 5: I ignored him, but I nodded, yes. Oh, so you
4:49
Speaker 5: did acknowledge it. Yes, and that's when he said, I've
4:51
Speaker 5: got something for you to sit on.
4:54
Speaker 2: Can we start this all over again? Yeah, let's roll back. Hello, I'm... Hi,
4:58
Speaker 2: I'm Margaret.
4:59
Speaker 3: Wait a minute. I'm Margaret Gray from the streets of
5:02
Speaker 3: New York, and that sounds bad, too, because it sounds
5:04
Speaker 3: like I'm walking the streets.
5:07
Speaker 2: Like all I've got.
5:08
Speaker 3: To do is show you a $ 20 bill. Well, you
5:10
Speaker 3: don't have to put it that way, you slob. Let's
5:13
Speaker 3: take a break. Wipe that up there.
5:15
Speaker 5: Wipe that up there. I put my elbow in it.
5:17
Speaker 2: What is it? It looks like it's apple juice or something.
5:21
Speaker 5: It's not apple juice.
5:23
Speaker 3: Oh, God.
5:24
Speaker 5: It's some kind of rotten fruit. They got a rotten
5:28
Speaker 5: tangerine here and something like a... Oh, God, I put
5:31
Speaker 5: my elbow right in that, Bud.
5:33
Speaker 2: I know about it.
5:34
Speaker 5: If we can get somebody to hose this part of
5:36
Speaker 5: the street off, that's good luck for that.
5:39
Speaker 2: Three, two, one, you.
5:42
Speaker 5: And welcome back to the World Famous Phil Henry Show.
5:44
Speaker 5: I'm Margaret Gray. I'm General Galen Shaw.
5:46
Speaker 2: I'm Bud Dickman.
5:47
Speaker 5: And Phil has gone ahead after a successful performance this evening,
5:52
Speaker 5: along with his wonderful castmates of The Pitch, at the
5:56
Speaker 5: Actors Temple Theater on 47th Street. We are here on
5:59
Speaker 5: 8th because we've been allowed to sit here, where we've
6:04
Speaker 5: tried to stop. The problem is Phil's trying to get
6:07
Speaker 5: some sleep up in his apartment, and so in order
6:10
Speaker 5: to complete the show for tomorrow, we've had to sort
6:12
Speaker 5: of get a makeshift.
6:14
Speaker 3: And.
6:14
Speaker 5: We've had to just set the studio up where we can.
6:16
Speaker 5: We got rid of the milk crates. A lot of
6:17
Speaker 5: you will be happy to know. And we have a...
6:20
Speaker 5: This is a.
6:21
Speaker 2: Well, it had diapers.
6:22
Speaker 5: I don't care if it had diapers.
6:24
Speaker 3: It's a box.
6:25
Speaker 5: It's an empty box that used to have diapers in it.
6:27
Speaker 5: Bud thinks that means that there's.
6:29
Speaker 2: What are they? You think there's baby shit in it?
6:30
Speaker 2: I thought there might be baby shit.
6:32
Speaker 5: Cut all of that out, okay?
6:34
Speaker 3: Sorry. And we found a very large and substantial box.
6:39
Speaker 2: Your arm's in front of your mouth.
6:40
Speaker 5: I'm getting two Altoids. As I was mentioning... My breath,
6:44
Speaker 5: because of coffee and occasionally... Coffee and, all right, truth
6:49
Speaker 5: be told, on the rare occasion I smoke a pipe.
6:53
Speaker 3: There.
6:53
Speaker 2: Something we haven't really told... We haven't really told the
6:55
Speaker 2: listeners that.
6:56
Speaker 5: Well, I'm telling them now because I've had this... Let
6:59
Speaker 5: me just double-check my breath.
7:02
Speaker 3: Ah, oh, God.
7:03
Speaker 5: Well, God damn it, Margaret.
7:05
Speaker 2: All right, hold on.
7:06
Speaker 5: So I am eating Altoids because my breath is... I
7:09
Speaker 5: won't say it's foul... But I smoke a pipe on occasion.
7:13
Speaker 5: I had a couple of... I smoked some of the
7:15
Speaker 5: rum-soaked tobacco. It's a pipe my father gave me, and
7:20
Speaker 5: on rare occasions, I take a few hits on a pipe.
7:24
Speaker 2: It's not marijuana or anything. No, it's not.
7:25
Speaker 3: It's tobacco.
7:27
Speaker 5: But you combine that with the fact that I did
7:28
Speaker 5: not have an opportunity to brush my teeth this morning.
7:32
Speaker 5: I drank a couple of cups of coffee. And yeah,
7:35
Speaker 5: I keep blowing my breath into my hand, and it is.
7:38
Speaker 2: Jesus Christ.
7:39
Speaker 5: It's nothing, it's not good, and that's why I... Can
7:43
Speaker 5: you do me a favor? Are we still recording?
7:45
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am.
7:45
Speaker 3: All right, cut, stop the recording. Get me an appointment
7:49
Speaker 3: with Dr. Hauser-Boberman.
7:51
Speaker 2: Hauser-Bober?
7:53
Speaker 3: No, I said Bober, and you know I said Bober.
7:55
Speaker 5: Hauser-Boberman. He's over on Killaney Hill in New Jersey.
8:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, could I have the number?
8:03
Speaker 5: Don't do it now.
8:04
Speaker 2: Sure.
8:06
Speaker 5: This is General Galen Shaw.
8:07
Speaker 2: Hello?
8:08
Speaker 5: Margaret Gray is with us. She has been eating Altoids,
8:11
Speaker 5: and I'll do it. And the reason why is because
8:16
Speaker 5: ordinarily I'm very careful with my breath, but my breath
8:20
Speaker 5: has been foul and fetid for three days, and every
8:23
Speaker 5: time I go, if I breathe into my hand to
8:26
Speaker 5: smell my breath, I don't even want to talk about it.
8:30
Speaker 5: This is hanging you up, huh? It's not making this
8:33
Speaker 5: easy to do.
8:34
Speaker 4: Well, Ms.
8:34
Speaker 2: Gray, I did get a whiff of it.
8:37
Speaker 3: What does that mean?
8:38
Speaker 4: I did get a whiff of it as you turned
8:40
Speaker 4: and you went, hey, bud, uh, you know. And it did,
8:43
Speaker 4: it did, yeah.
8:44
Speaker 5: So, so what, oh, God damn it. Ordinarily, I'm very
8:48
Speaker 5: fastidious with my personal habits, ladies and gentlemen. But as
8:51
Speaker 5: I say, coffee, a couple of pops on a pipe
8:53
Speaker 5: that I smoke, people think that that, what does that
8:56
Speaker 5: make me.
8:56
Speaker 3: Butch or something?
8:57
Speaker 5: Well, Margaret, you know. I love the misogyny, you know,
9:00
Speaker 5: don't you, ladies? Because I smoke a pipe. Well, how
9:04
Speaker 5: often do you smoke the pipe?
9:05
Speaker 3: What business is it of yours? You say that it
9:07
Speaker 3: gave you foul breath.
9:09
Speaker 5: I smoke a pipe once a month, if that. It's
9:13
Speaker 5: something I shared with my father. My dear departed father,
9:16
Speaker 5: he and I would share a pipe.
9:18
Speaker 2: Well, how old were you?
9:19
Speaker 3: I was 15. General Shaw is laughing.
9:26
Speaker 5: Margaret Gray is now flipping me off and she's walked
9:28
Speaker 5: to the other side.
9:29
Speaker 3: Ms. Gray, we have a show to do.
9:31
Speaker 2: Ms. Gray.
9:32
Speaker 3: Shut up.
9:32
Speaker 5: She's flipping me off, holding her hand, extending it out,
9:37
Speaker 5: Now both hands extending out, flipping me off.
9:40
Speaker 3: She's smiling.
9:41
Speaker 5: She's waving them up and down.
9:43
Speaker 3: Jesus.
9:44
Speaker 2: All right, I'm done.
9:44
Speaker 3: Did you get the message, though?
9:46
Speaker 2: Yes, you flipped me off with both hands.
9:52
Speaker 3: I'm Margaret Gray. I don't know how much of this...
9:54
Speaker 3: Bud Dickman will be editing this. I shouldn't even say that, though,
9:57
Speaker 3: should I?
9:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, because people will think it'll be... it'll be edited talk.
10:02
Speaker 5: Much Margaret just alright this is Margaret Gray and welcome
10:06
Speaker 5: again to the world famous Phil Henry show we're in
10:09
Speaker 5: the wonderful city of New York who did oh god
10:13
Speaker 5: a guy walked by and farted a pedestrian walked by
10:16
Speaker 5: and just oh god A man walked by and cut,
10:21
Speaker 5: you know, broke wind.
10:23
Speaker 3: And the wind was just right.
10:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, it blew back into the.
10:27
Speaker 4: We're actually sitting here on the steps of a closed
10:31
Speaker 4: store here on 8th Avenue.
10:33
Speaker 2: Ms. Gray is... Well, you're not squatting, but you're sitting...
10:36
Speaker 2: Your knees are almost up to your chin.
10:38
Speaker 5: I'm sitting on a short step. My knees are up
10:40
Speaker 5: to my chin, thanks.
10:41
Speaker 3: Well, Margaret, you are.
10:44
Speaker 5: So her knees are almost up to her chin. Mine
10:46
Speaker 5: are almost up to my chin. And anyway, a guy
10:50
Speaker 5: just walked by and he cut.
10:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, he did cut wind. And it blew just perfectly
10:57
Speaker 2: into Miss Gray's face.
10:59
Speaker 5: All right, I'm better now. You can hear the sirens
11:02
Speaker 5: in the background, the steps of people moving along the
11:05
Speaker 5: avenue here in New York. I'm Margaret Gray, and this
11:08
Speaker 5: is the world-famous Phil Henry Show. When we talk about
11:12
Speaker 5: theater in New York, I don't think there's too many
11:15
Speaker 5: people that skip over the name Duck Buckward. Duck Buckward
11:21
Speaker 5: has been one of our great playwrights, and most of
11:25
Speaker 5: what he's written has not yet been published, nor has
11:28
Speaker 5: it been put on the stage, but I think people
11:30
Speaker 5: understand Duck. Well, I hope so, because what I attempt
11:35
Speaker 5: to do is write for the common man, and I
11:39
Speaker 5: insist that only people are cast that I approve of.
11:44
Speaker 5: The production process is slowed because I have exacting and
11:49
Speaker 5: demanding standards. This is what I was trying to tell people.
11:52
Speaker 5: When the name Duck Buckward is mentioned here in New York,
11:57
Speaker 5: everyone knows who thinks they're going to produce one of
11:59
Speaker 5: your plays. They know that.
12:00
Speaker 3: You'll be there.
12:02
Speaker 5: I'm always at the elbow of anyone who's going to
12:05
Speaker 5: produce a Duck Buckward play, what I call the Duck
12:09
Speaker 5: Buckward Joint or the Duck Buckward Way.
12:14
Speaker 2: Mr.
12:14
Speaker 5: Buckward.
12:15
Speaker 3: Don't call me Mr. You call me Father Buckward. What
12:19
Speaker 3: do you mean, Father Buckward? Don't ask. That's just... I
12:22
Speaker 3: prefer to be called Father Buckward.
12:24
Speaker 5: Are you religious?
12:25
Speaker 3: Are you in a religious order? No, I'm not.
12:29
Speaker 5: My name is Doug Buckward, but if you want to say,
12:31
Speaker 5: excuse me, sir, simply say, excuse me, Father Buckward. All right, well,
12:36
Speaker 5: how many of your plays have actually been performed? Oh,
12:39
Speaker 5: all of them have been performed, but in New York,
12:42
Speaker 5: I don't want to put any of them on a stage.
12:44
Speaker 3: In New York until I'm assured.
12:47
Speaker 5: of what I call the cleanliness, until I'm assured that
12:51
Speaker 5: it is clean, it's swept, it's been wiped down. There's
12:57
Speaker 5: not a theater in New York that I think is
12:58
Speaker 5: worthy of a Duck Buckward project.
13:03
Speaker 3: And a lot of people are asking, then why would
13:05
Speaker 3: you have this man on?
13:08
Speaker 5: Yes?
13:08
Speaker 3: Can I interrupt?
13:09
Speaker 5: Are you going to ask why would you have this
13:11
Speaker 5: man on your show? And the answer is because Duck Buckward...
13:15
Speaker 5: is because there's no theater in New York without Duck Buckward.
13:21
Speaker 5: Why do you say that? Because I see every play
13:27
Speaker 5: in New York. I go from theater to theater, and
13:31
Speaker 5: I will watch each production, and I have extensive notes
13:35
Speaker 5: for the actors and the directors and the people that
13:37
Speaker 5: produce these plays. And when people see Duck Buckward coming
13:41
Speaker 5: down the street... See, they'll be looking down the street.
13:43
Speaker 2: There's no one.
13:43
Speaker 5: Then they see suddenly rounding the corner, they'll see the
13:46
Speaker 5: very familiar checkered sports jacket and checkered slacks with a
13:49
Speaker 5: checkered shirt.
13:51
Speaker 3: This is a distinctive duck buckward look, by the way.
13:54
Speaker 2: Yes, it is.
13:55
Speaker 5: I wear a checkered sports jacket, checkered slacks. I have
13:58
Speaker 5: checkered and checkered socks. And then you wear these, what
14:01
Speaker 5: are these?
14:03
Speaker 3: What do they look like?
14:04
Speaker 5: Well, they're sort of a boot, a half boot.
14:06
Speaker 3: They're a half, they're what I call an Irish boot. Okay.
14:09
Speaker 5: Okay. And you wear the big hat. I wear a
14:12
Speaker 5: large checkered hat and sunglasses. And when you see Duck
14:16
Speaker 5: Buckward coming, you better... Man, I don't know what to say.
14:20
Speaker 3: You better know that a theater expert is coming.
14:24
Speaker 5: Yes.
14:25
Speaker 2: Did you see that?
14:26
Speaker 3: He just flipped me off. Oh, no, he hung his... Oh,
14:28
Speaker 3: my God.
14:28
Speaker 5: We got a guy.
14:29
Speaker 3: Okay, a guy just drove by and hung his.
14:31
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying? Go ahead, for Christ's... A
14:35
Speaker 2: guy just drove by and hung his bare rear end out.
14:41
Speaker 3: Is this the kind of thing that you have on
14:42
Speaker 3: your show, Ms.
14:43
Speaker 2: Gray?
14:43
Speaker 5: What do you mean, the thing? What are you talking about? Well,
14:46
Speaker 5: I was invited to talk about the theater in New York,
14:49
Speaker 5: and a guy just drove by and shoved both cheeks
14:51
Speaker 5: and then put his hands and spread the cheeks so
14:54
Speaker 5: you're looking right up the.
14:55
Speaker 2: God damn.
14:57
Speaker 5: That was vulgar and vile. Well, don't look at me.
14:59
Speaker 2: I didn't do it.
15:00
Speaker 5: I know that. Duck buckward.
15:03
Speaker 3: Well, I... Now, you mentioned your breath, and I just, yeah,
15:07
Speaker 3: I just got what.
15:08
Speaker 2: Not much, Ms.
15:08
Speaker 5: Gray, but I got a small... Just a small, a
15:11
Speaker 5: breeze blew it into my face. Yes, as I said,
15:15
Speaker 5: I've been drinking coffee and I smoked a pipe earlier.
15:17
Speaker 5: And I had onion soup last night over here at
15:20
Speaker 5: Rosie O'Grady's.
15:22
Speaker 2: That's the restaurant of 51st. Yes.
15:26
Speaker 5: And you put that all together with the pipe, onion soup.
15:29
Speaker 5: I have stale breath.
15:32
Speaker 3: And.
15:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, I.
15:33
Speaker 3: Just, yeah.
15:35
Speaker 2: Let me just catch my, let me just.
15:37
Speaker 3: Oh....
15:40
Speaker 2: Do I need what? Bud, sit down.
15:43
Speaker 3: I've never done a radio interview where I'm sitting on
15:48
Speaker 3: the ground.
15:49
Speaker 2: I'm sitting on the sidewalk here.
15:51
Speaker 5: Do we have a chair here for Mr. Buckward?
15:53
Speaker 2: I had planned on getting you a chair, Mr.
15:55
Speaker 4: Buckward, but unfortunately all we have is this box here.
16:00
Speaker 3: That's the one that says Bounty Tom's on it?
16:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, we got it at the supermarkets.
16:06
Speaker 3: I thought that, Ms. Gray, you were doing much better
16:08
Speaker 3: in life. I am doing well in life, Buck. Okay. Well,
16:11
Speaker 3: you're sitting on a box that says diaper, and I'm
16:15
Speaker 3: on a... Okay.
16:17
Speaker 5: This is the world-famous Phil Hendry Show.
16:19
Speaker 3: Sitting in for Phil is Margaret Gray. Here's Margaret.
16:22
Speaker 5: Duck Buckward is my guest, and Duck has written some...
16:26
Speaker 5: How many plays have you written?
16:27
Speaker 2: Oh, upwards of 300 and... Around 300, 400. 300 to 400.
16:28
Speaker 2: All right, 300 to 400 plays....
16:35
Speaker 5: None of them have been performed in New York.
16:38
Speaker 2: No.
16:39
Speaker 3: And yet, you see me around?
16:41
Speaker 5: Yes, you are known far and wide here in New
16:43
Speaker 5: York City. You go to different meetings and you tell
16:46
Speaker 5: people how to do things. Yeah, but I don't want
16:50
Speaker 5: my plays to be on stage in New York. Well,
16:53
Speaker 5: why don't you tell the truth?
16:54
Speaker 3: What are you talking about?
16:55
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to.
16:57
Speaker 3: I'll do it. No one really has any interest in
17:00
Speaker 3: putting your plays on Because they don't understand them.
17:03
Speaker 5: They consider them to be... Well, the New York Magazine
17:07
Speaker 5: said that the duck buckward... The duck buckward method, as
17:11
Speaker 5: he calls it, is to wipe in such a way
17:15
Speaker 5: as to see a word on.
17:16
Speaker 2: The toilet paper. You see what I'm saying?
17:20
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's terrible.
17:22
Speaker 2: They don't like your writing. It doesn't make any difference.
17:24
Speaker 2: Can I have another one of those, Vince? Because I
17:26
Speaker 2: can smell my own breath. Ah, God, my breath.
17:30
Speaker 5: Mine too.
17:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I know that.
17:31
Speaker 3: I could spell you a block off.
17:35
Speaker 2: Oh, God damn you.
17:36
Speaker 3: I just slapped your stupid... Get your ass out of here.
17:39
Speaker 3: You don't publish anything.
17:40
Speaker 5: Go on.
17:40
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're going to hear from my lawyer. I hope so.
17:46
Speaker 5: Margaret Grant has just slapped Duck Buckward. He's a nothing.
17:49
Speaker 3: He hasn't published anything or produced anything here in New
17:52
Speaker 3: York for at least 20 years.
17:55
Speaker 5: He's a good writer, but no one cares.
17:57
Speaker 2: I don't know the lawyers.
18:00
Speaker 3: Would you shut up and get lost? Mr.
18:02
Speaker 2: Buckward, we don't need you any longer, so... No, really? Well,
18:06
Speaker 2: I'm going to tell you something.
18:08
Speaker 3: Hey, Buckward, blow, okay?
18:11
Speaker 2: Do you want the mint, though?
18:12
Speaker 5: Yeah, you can have it.
18:13
Speaker 2: Why do you want the mint? Because my breath stinks.
18:15
Speaker 5: Duff Buckward has been my guest, and I slapped his
18:18
Speaker 5: filthy mouth because he thought he'd be cute, and no,
18:22
Speaker 5: he wasn't. I'm Margaret Gray. I'm eating mints because I
18:25
Speaker 5: have fetid breath.
18:27
Speaker 2: You did not have to... Ms. Gray did not have
18:29
Speaker 2: to admit that.
18:30
Speaker 3: Back off, will you? Margaret, don't put your hands on
18:33
Speaker 3: him like that.
18:34
Speaker 5: Why don't I do this?
18:36
Speaker 3: You pushed me?
18:38
Speaker 2: Watch this. Oh, good.
18:41
Speaker 5: Oh, just hit him in the nuts. All right, I
18:43
Speaker 5: guess I'm going to have to leave.
18:46
Speaker 3: Oh, man, you almost gave my balls in. I kicked
18:50
Speaker 3: General Shaw in the balls because he thought he was
18:53
Speaker 3: going to put.
18:53
Speaker 5: The muscle on me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:58
Speaker 3: Duck Buckward is still Duck, would you bug off?
19:02
Speaker 2: Okay. General Seward, you want a sewer? Yeah, I'd like
19:06
Speaker 2: a sewer.
19:08
Speaker 3: Oh, take it easy.
19:08
Speaker 5: It's not that bad. I'm the one who's been made
19:11
Speaker 5: to look like a monkey here. I was squatting yesterday,
19:16
Speaker 5: literally squatting like the Chinese peasants do when they're taking
19:20
Speaker 5: their lunch break. It looks as if they're relieving themselves,
19:23
Speaker 5: but they're actually eating noodles.
19:24
Speaker 2: Shit. Ms.
19:25
Speaker 4: Gray was squatting in that way for much of yesterday's show.
19:29
Speaker 4: Until finally we put a box under her.
19:32
Speaker 5: Yes, but you had no right to slide the box
19:34
Speaker 5: under me, bud. You give me the box, I'll slide
19:37
Speaker 5: it under my own rear end.
19:39
Speaker 3: Well, gee.
19:41
Speaker 5: Here comes General Shaw.
19:42
Speaker 2: How you feeling?
19:43
Speaker 3: I don't... I don't... He got his balls kicked and
19:49
Speaker 3: he's pissed off.
19:50
Speaker 5: I just heard a man walk by speaking some tongue
19:52
Speaker 5: I've never heard.
19:53
Speaker 3: Did you hear that?
19:54
Speaker 4: Yeah, I believe it was East Anglican or something.
19:59
Speaker 5: What do you mean East Anglican?
20:01
Speaker 2: He says....
20:04
Speaker 5: You got your voice back?
20:05
Speaker 2: Yes, I do.
20:05
Speaker 5: You know, Margaret, you're a woman. Otherwise, I would have
20:08
Speaker 5: picked you up and dropped you on your head.
20:10
Speaker 3: Right in the middle of 8th Avenue. So a car
20:12
Speaker 3: could hit me. Yeah, yeah, huh? Yeah, huh?
20:15
Speaker 5: So you drop me on my head so a truck
20:18
Speaker 5: could roll over top of me and my son might
20:21
Speaker 5: read about it before actually being told by his father
20:23
Speaker 5: to soften the blow. My son might read Margaret Gray
20:26
Speaker 5: dropped on her head at 8th Avenue and a truck
20:29
Speaker 5: rolled right over top of her. Excuse me. Over top
20:32
Speaker 5: of her. Yes, something like that.
20:35
Speaker 2: Okay.
20:36
Speaker 5: I think Phil Henry's going to hear this show today.
20:39
Speaker 5: And he's going to want to kill somebody. I'm General
20:41
Speaker 5: Galen Shaw. We bring on now Chris Norton, who has
20:44
Speaker 5: another film in production. It was up to me. I
20:47
Speaker 5: did promise Phil that you would come on. Chris, how
20:49
Speaker 5: are you?
20:49
Speaker 2: I'm very good.
20:51
Speaker 5: You have a new film. You know I don't approve
20:53
Speaker 5: of the adult films that you create.
20:55
Speaker 2: Well, it's great. I've been on this program.
20:57
Speaker 3: Wait a minute. I haven't stopped talking.
20:59
Speaker 5: For Christ's sake.
21:01
Speaker 3: Margaret, relax. General, you see this?
21:05
Speaker 5: Why don't you relax onto this?
21:06
Speaker 3: She's holding her thumb up.
21:08
Speaker 2: I know.
21:09
Speaker 3: I've seen you say, you know... You haven't seen me
21:12
Speaker 3: say anything. Well, you're asking the general to relax on
21:15
Speaker 3: your thumb.
21:16
Speaker 5: Chris Norton, never mind. Chris Norton is here. What's the
21:19
Speaker 5: name of your new film?
21:20
Speaker 2: The new film is called Ball Four, and I've only
21:23
Speaker 2: got two.
21:25
Speaker 5: Ball Four, and I've only got two. What does that mean?
21:27
Speaker 3: Well, essentially, it's a film about a baseball star who's
21:30
Speaker 3: also an adult film performer. So he plays baseball, and
21:35
Speaker 3: then he knocks off for the afternoon, goes back to
21:37
Speaker 3: his condo, Yes, yes.
21:39
Speaker 5: So, in other words, this is the same premise as
21:41
Speaker 5: the Mexican cannibal zombie holiday?
21:45
Speaker 2: What?
21:46
Speaker 5: You did Mexican cannibals. It was a bunch of cannibals
21:49
Speaker 5: that knocked off for the day and went back to
21:51
Speaker 5: the condo.
21:52
Speaker 2: Well, yeah. Take it easy, man.
21:58
Speaker 3: Sorry, those were cannibals. Yeah, and they're eating people. Okay,
22:01
Speaker 3: it's 5 o'clock. Let's knock off and go back to
22:03
Speaker 3: the condo.
22:04
Speaker 2: Yes, yes.
22:05
Speaker 5: They went back to their zombie condo.
22:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was in Mexico.
22:11
Speaker 5: In Mexico.
22:12
Speaker 2: Yeah.
22:13
Speaker 3: Now you have ball four, ball four or four balls. Yeah, well,
22:18
Speaker 3: because basically it's about two baseball players that have four
22:23
Speaker 3: balls who are superstars in a sport. They hit a
22:27
Speaker 3: lot of home runs, and they strike out a lot
22:29
Speaker 3: of people, and then they knock off for the day.
22:31
Speaker 3: They go back to the condo.
22:32
Speaker 5: Let me guess.
22:33
Speaker 3: They knock off for the day and go back to
22:34
Speaker 3: the condo and have sex. Yeah.
22:36
Speaker 5: Well, I think, okay, so thank you very much, Chris.
22:38
Speaker 5: We'll look forward to that.
22:39
Speaker 2: People want to know more about it.
22:40
Speaker 3: We're at Norton Splodes. That's Norton Splodes. That's Norton Splodes
22:44
Speaker 3: Productions as well as Throb City Productions. It's called Ball
22:48
Speaker 3: Four or Four Balls. What are you laughing at, man?
22:53
Speaker 3: You trying to do better?
22:54
Speaker 2: I can do better in my sleep, man. Yeah. All right,
22:58
Speaker 2: thanks a lot, Chris.
22:59
Speaker 3: What are you looking at? I'm looking at you, Margaret.
23:01
Speaker 3: This show, in my opinion... Mr.
23:04
Speaker 5: Henry's going to look, listen, look.
23:06
Speaker 3: Mr.
23:07
Speaker 5: Henry's going to looky listen? What's he going to do?
23:08
Speaker 3: He's going to listen to this, and he's going to
23:11
Speaker 3: want to cry. I think that's how bad it's been.
23:13
Speaker 5: The only thing bad about this show is I was
23:15
Speaker 5: forced once again to squat on my haunches with my
23:19
Speaker 5: rear end almost dragging on the cement. Yeah.
23:23
Speaker 3: Well, Margaret, you're the one that.
23:25
Speaker 5: I'm the one that what?
23:27
Speaker 2: You're wearing underwear, but.
23:29
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I didn't think that I was going to
23:31
Speaker 5: have to pull my skirt up and go.
23:34
Speaker 5: So I'm sitting here, I should say squatting here, my
23:37
Speaker 5: rear end brushing the sidewalk. Everyone taking a look at
23:41
Speaker 5: what I got. General Shaw's laughing now. It rained briefly
23:47
Speaker 5: here in New York today, and it was nothing serious,
23:52
Speaker 5: but as you can hear behind me, lots of sirens.
23:55
Speaker 5: We thought we'd check in with Chase Sanders of the Citizens'
23:57
Speaker 5: Auditorate Police, who has been here in New York City
24:01
Speaker 5: helping out with the New York Patent Police I think
24:07
Speaker 5: the whole idea of the New York pretend police you
24:10
Speaker 5: know what I think of.
24:11
Speaker 3: You Jay.
24:14
Speaker 5: Jay Santos who's the guy that runs the New York
24:17
Speaker 5: pretend police well it's actually a couple one of them
24:20
Speaker 5: is my good friend Rick Ballone that's the man Rick
24:24
Speaker 5: Ballone and this is the real man what take it
24:29
Speaker 5: easy Margaret so what is Ballone it's difficult to say
24:35
Speaker 5: Is Rick Ballone here? Sorry, Rick Ballone's not here right now.
24:38
Speaker 5: Rick Ballone, along with Dave, I guess you'll think I'm
24:41
Speaker 5: kidding here, but he's got the head, what they call
24:44
Speaker 5: the head warrior of the New York pretend police is
24:48
Speaker 5: Rick Ballone, and his sub, not sub, what we call sub-commander,
24:53
Speaker 5: co-dependent warrior of the co-war is Dave Ballone. And it
24:59
Speaker 5: kind of goes like that. One of the things about
25:01
Speaker 5: the New York pretend police is all the names have
25:03
Speaker 5: to rhyme.
25:03
Speaker 2: All right.
25:04
Speaker 3: I don't want to be the takeoff general. Yeah, I
25:07
Speaker 3: don't want to sit and listen to this.
25:08
Speaker 5: What's his story? You understand that all of the names rhyme.
25:13
Speaker 3: That's correct.
25:13
Speaker 5: Apparently, these are co-warriors or the warrior interlude. These are
25:18
Speaker 5: the different ranks they have in the New York pretend police.
25:21
Speaker 5: Rick Malone is MasterChef.
25:25
Speaker 2: Talk MasterChef. You work at like a restaurant or something?
25:28
Speaker 3: You know, I'm... Take it.
25:30
Speaker 5: Easy, will you, bud, because Jay, he's already... He's starting
25:33
Speaker 5: to remove his pith helmet.
25:34
Speaker 2: What's that supposed to mean? Are we getting ready to
25:36
Speaker 2: rock and roll?
25:37
Speaker 5: I'm taking the pith helmet off.
25:38
Speaker 2: I'm going to take off the shirt.
25:40
Speaker 3: So you're going to see.
25:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm going to see how skinny you are. Okay,
25:46
Speaker 2: right now I'm getting flipped off.
25:48
Speaker 5: All right, stop it, Jay.
25:51
Speaker 3: Okay, fine.
25:53
Speaker 5: The New York Pretend Police also have as their squadron,
25:59
Speaker 5: and these are the people that like the Citizens Auxiliary Police,
26:03
Speaker 5: when we do our mobile street squad or street squawk,
26:07
Speaker 5: what we're doing in New York is what's called mobile
26:09
Speaker 5: street squad or squeaky, sorry, rain squeak. This is a
26:13
Speaker 5: mobile street squad. The New York pretend police join up
26:16
Speaker 5: with us and we become that which knows no bounds.
26:20
Speaker 3: That's the official title.
26:21
Speaker 5: When you hook up a New York pretend police and
26:23
Speaker 5: a Citizens Auxiliary Police squadrons, it becomes that which knows
26:27
Speaker 5: no bounds.
26:28
Speaker 3: That which knows no, are you kidding or something? No,
26:30
Speaker 3: I'm not. Now, first of all, you can hear the honking.
26:33
Speaker 5: What was the weather like today?
26:35
Speaker 3: The weather was wet.
26:37
Speaker 5: And Rick, come on over, Rick. So tell us about
26:40
Speaker 5: what you guys are dealing with today when you're at
26:42
Speaker 5: pretend police. We were basically just had some traffic and.
26:47
Speaker 3: There was rain.
26:48
Speaker 5: Do you guys know that I slept through most of today?
26:53
Speaker 5: He slept through most of today.
26:55
Speaker 2: Are you all right, Rick? I'm fine.
26:57
Speaker 5: Okay, so yeah, the thing I want to say more
26:59
Speaker 5: than anything else is that We respect the New York
27:02
Speaker 5: pretend police and Rick Ballone, Dave Malone, Rita Bone Lone.
27:09
Speaker 5: Who is Rita Bone Lone? Excuse me, but she happens
27:12
Speaker 5: to be second in command of the New York pretend police.
27:15
Speaker 5: You got Rick Ballone and Rita Bone Lone. Yeah? Well, General,
27:20
Speaker 5: what's in your mind? What's in my mind is the
27:22
Speaker 5: reality that these... Jay, it's tough enough accepting you as
27:26
Speaker 5: something real. Now I've got to accept that.
27:28
Speaker 2: What is that?
27:29
Speaker 5: It looks like, oh, see, he's giving you the finger.
27:32
Speaker 3: There's three fingers coming out of that cab. They're all
27:34
Speaker 3: directed in this way.
27:36
Speaker 5: So we are being flipped off by three different fingers.
27:39
Speaker 5: Are they three different people?
27:40
Speaker 1: Yes, they are.
27:41
Speaker 3: They're probably New Yorkers who recognize, they feel, they recognize
27:46
Speaker 3: General Shaw here and Miss Green.
27:49
Speaker 5: The name is Margaret Gray.
27:50
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, and Miss Gray. They recognize you as, what
27:54
Speaker 3: we call, they recognize you as a three-tee.
27:57
Speaker 2: That's a turd, the three turds.
27:58
Speaker 3: Turd one, two, three. One, two, three, buckle my shoe.
28:02
Speaker 5: What is that again?
28:03
Speaker 3: There are three T's and three turds. You, you, and you. God, Mr.
28:08
Speaker 2: Ballone, you just went you, you, and you. No, I
28:10
Speaker 2: did not. No, I did not. It did sound like it.
28:13
Speaker 3: Well, who gives a shit?
28:15
Speaker 5: I don't want any more of that language.
28:16
Speaker 3: Thank you, Mr.
28:17
Speaker 1: Ballone.
28:18
Speaker 5: Rick Ballone from the New York... So while we harassed him,
28:22
Speaker 5: what have you been doing, Jay? What I have been
28:24
Speaker 5: doing is I have been out with the citizens' auxiliary
28:28
Speaker 5: police in our move-in, and we're moving in. So we
28:32
Speaker 5: have on our yellow range flickers, on account that it
28:35
Speaker 5: was raining today, we did a sweep, what's called a
28:39
Speaker 5: move-in sweep, when we saw a, looked like, I don't
28:42
Speaker 5: know what it looked like, they were selling food in
28:45
Speaker 5: a stand on the street. We wanted to check out,
28:48
Speaker 5: make sure they had health, the restrictions and everything.
28:51
Speaker 3: Well, you're not going to interfere with those people doing business,
28:53
Speaker 3: are you?
28:54
Speaker 5: We went in and we said, you have a health certificate,
28:56
Speaker 5: And once again, we were told, and let me quote it,
28:58
Speaker 5: I've got it written down here, go.
29:00
Speaker 3: Blow your grandfather, was what a guy said to me.
29:04
Speaker 3: Go blow your grandfather.
29:05
Speaker 2: That's right.
29:06
Speaker 5: Thank you very much, Jay. Well, thank you very much,
29:08
Speaker 5: Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police.
29:12
Speaker 2: Tell me, go blow grandfather.
29:13
Speaker 5: No way, no way, no way. The world-famous Phil Hendry
29:20
Speaker 5: Show is executive produced by Phil Hendry for Siembre Incorporated,
29:27
Speaker 3: Me, I'm Margaret Gray.
29:29
Speaker 5: Yeah!
29:29
Speaker 3: That's who I am.