Transcript

Chase · Recovery Chronicles

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Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into the inspiring journeys of
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individuals who have triumphed over adversity and found healing and resilience on the path to
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recovery from drunks and alcohol. We'll sit down with people who have embrace changed
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and emerged stronger than ever. Get ready to be uplifted, motivated, and
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empowered as we embark on a journey of healing, growth, and possibilities.
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Welcome back to the Recovery Chronicles. Today we have the amazing Chase, So
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let us know what is your drug of choice and how long have you been
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sober? Hello? Everyone, my name's Chase. My drug of choice.
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Uh, honestly, it started with uh, it started with opioids. I
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got really heavy into pills, and then from there it led to you know,
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iv us. Once I got into ivus, that's when I really started
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to experience like the withdrawals, you know, and like the symptoms of coming
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down off of opioids. And and then to prevent that from happening and continuing
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to occur, I would trick my body in by numbing it and using meth
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sure. And so then I slowly started getting heavy into meth. I currently
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have a little over two years of sobriety. Wow, that's awesome. Yes,
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February seventeenth was my sobriety date. Awesome. After you know, it
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took me a while to get there. I finally decided to get sober after
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like ten years years of drug use. Wow. So tell us where they
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using started for me? It? You know, growing up, I didn't
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really dabble much into drugs, you know. I you know, tried weed
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here and there, you know, smoked that with some friends, you know,
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a few times, but experienced a lot of like paranoia with it.
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So it wasn't really my thing, you know, with drinking. It was
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like, you know, like just the occasional like get together as parties,
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you know, like any other high school teenager. And it didn't really kick
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off until I had graduated and attended college. During my first year of college.
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Where did you go to college? I'm down here in Bismarck, Okay.
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So was it like a party scene or people were using or you were
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at parties and people were using or what would that look like? Or was
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it the freedom for me? It was I've always I grew up like,
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you know, very uncomfortable, just played that awkward. I always struggled to
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fit in, like I always just wanted you know, like I just I
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mean I was always friends with everyone, you know, Like I didn't really
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have that group, you know, like or that thing that identified me,
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you know, like some people are like a good at this sport or they
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have this hobby, you know. For me, I like just floated around
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and sure, so then when the people I was hanging out at that time
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like had their thing going on, then it was like, oh I got
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to jump to the next group, you know, and sure you were just
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trying to find your niche, yeah, playing and in college, the same
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thing continued to occur. And I feel like with drugs, I just kind
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of like you know what I mean, I almost just like fell into like
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a spot where I felt like I belonged. I know how bad that sounds,
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but it started off with just the you know, get together weekend like
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socializing, partying, you know, which then slowly just led into like from
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one drug to the next. You know, It's like snorting pills here and
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there to then smoking methu. It all really started taking off once, you
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know, once I got into that IVU. So and how old were you
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when that started? It wasn't too long into my drug addiction that that started
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up, maybe like like six months into doing drugs, you know, so
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you were like still nineteen or twenty. Around twenty, I'd say, okay,
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So then what happened from there? Were you still in college at this
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point? I was continuing to go to college. So the myth you know,
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started, you know, to get worse, you know, with shooting
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up and stuff, and I and pills on top of it, you know,
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and pills are like way more expensive than the myth ever was. And
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you know, and I was trying to work a full time job, continuing
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to pay bills. I was going to college full time, paid for all
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my college out of pocket. Uh you know, so I didn't have much
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money to survive on, and you know, with my addiction taking a majority
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of that money, I slowly started getting behind on bills. Was calling home,
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you know, asking for help, like in my head, nobody knew
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like back home, what was going on? Like I was, you know,
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so good at hiding it, I thought, right, And you know,
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here I was just manipulating the people that I love and care for,
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like my family, just to get buy, you know, like lying to
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them, like every time I'd call home, like I I I would cover
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my bills with the money I was making, and then the money I needed
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for drugs. You know, I was calling home, can I get help,
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can I get this, you know, lying about what it was going
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towards, just to have that money in my pocket for the next high.
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And uh, it got to a point where I was missing classes or I
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was just like too high to like, you know, to the point where
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I woul get paranoid to like even walk into on campus, you know,
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so I would just churn around and drive back home. And then it got
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to the point where I was, you know, behind on you know,
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assignments and stuff. So then I tried the next semester. I dropped out
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of a few classes that semester. Then the next semester I tried to do
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online classes, thinking like, well, I can just do it at home,
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you know, like I'm I'm up all the time. I can do
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it. I have plenty of for hours a day. But you know,
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all the time goes by so fast when you're high, and you lose track
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of the time, and you you know, I'm you your first priority is
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you know your drug, you know your addiction, and you eventually I just
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dropped out completely and was you know, just working more, trying to make
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more money to survive, you know, and continue with that addiction. And
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it got to the point where I was, you know, like barely making
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it by and I, you know, realized I had a problem. And
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so I tried treatment for the first time in twenty thirteen, checked myself in
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like on my own and where was that at? My first time attending treatment
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was at New Freedom okay, and this is twenty thirteen, yep, here
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at Bismarck and that in patient or outpatient intensive outpatient Okay. That did not
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work for me. I you know, I continued to you know, abuse
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pills, try to like plan it out, you know, like try to
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control you're using well and trying to figure out their system, like you know,
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like with UA's and stuff, you know, like trying to like,
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you know, know when I could get high, what days I couldn't you
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know, But it was all random testing, you know, But I thought
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I could figure it out, but never could. I was actually I failed,
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for you ay, there and was given the option to you know,
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either you know, they added two extra weeks onto my treatment, you know,
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before I could graduate, and and I if I couldn't quit, like
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they were going to have to, you know, ask me to leave,
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they said, And I just you know, I kept coming up with their
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excuses or I kept blaming other people, like just coming up with lies,
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you know, to cover the fact that it was you know, me doing
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it, like a couple of those lies. Like I like literally I told
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them, like, well, because while I was there, I had this
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accident at home and I like ended up slipping and falling on my back.
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And so then I was trying to like tell them, well, my friend,
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I told them my back ord and they brought me some iprofram and I
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didn't look at the medication. I just took it, you know, like
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I thought I could trust that, you know, like yeah, well,
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and then I honestly I ended up going to the doctor and I lied to
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the doctor. I was like, oh, no, I have a meth
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problem, you know, like I don't have an opioid problem. I'm not
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in treatment for meth. Because I had to take a form with the treatment
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center set me in with a form for the doctor to sign sure so that
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they were aware that I was in treatment, and so I had to bring
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this back to the treatment facility and the doctor had signed it, but I
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had told the doctor it was for meth, and he prescribed me hydros,
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you know, like and then at that point the treatment centers like, well,
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what can we do now, you know what I mean? Like hydros
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at that point weren't really my drug of choice when I came to pills,
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like, I liked anything I could inject, and so my plan there was
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just to sell them for money. Sure, I happened to go out with
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my aunt one morning on a Saturday for breakfast, and she saw this slip
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on my seat of my car, you know, like for the prescription,
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and she grabbed it out and tore it up right in front of me,
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and she's like, you're in treatment. You cannot be doing drugs, Like,
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you know, I left it at that. I could have, honestly
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probably went back to the doctor, but at that point I was just almost
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exhausted, you know, of like trying to keep up with the lies.
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What did I say? What am I going to say next? Like,
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you know, like trying to keep my story straight, you know, And
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then again I got threatened to buy them to you know, get my story
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or my act right or you know, or they're gonna, you know,
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have to ask me to leave. And so did you leave or did you
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complete it? Well, according to them, I completed, But but you
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were using the whole time. But I think that they were just kind of
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tired of me and we're trying to just you know, kind of give up.
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Yeah. Sure, I didn't really have the desire to quit at that
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time, right I. So then what happened. My goal with that time,
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with attending treatment was just to like make it look like I was sober.
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Yeah, you know for the outside world, like for my family,
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like my parents. Did your parents or your family ask you to go to
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treatment? They didn't, But that's why, you know, like you wanted
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to make it look good before they intervened. Yeah, I had lost a
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lot of weight within like a year there and from like Matthews, And so
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without them even having to like ask or find proof, they like that's all
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they needed to know, like why is he one hundred pounds less? You
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know, like yeah, wow, So after treatment, what happened, Well,
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I was, you know, attending treatments, you know, like daily
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through the week. So I had to cut back on hours with work and
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stuff. So I got kind of behind on bills there and so at that
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point I was like, well, I'm going to just move home. So
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I moved back home to Beulah and with your parents. Yeah. I moved
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in with my dad for a while there, and then he had asked me
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to leave because I continue to use. And at that point I was like,
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well, you know, like even like if I tell them I've changed,
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like you know, they don't believe me, even though like I really
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hadn't. But yeah, but you know what I mean, like just h
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you always blame someone else, you know. Yep, absolutely, they're gonna
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accuse me of it. I'm gonna do it. Well, then I took
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that as an excuse to get high, you know, yeah, absolutely,
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Well I have nowhere to go. You don't care about me, you know,
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like I'm just gonna go get high, yep. You know. Like
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so that's what I did twenty thirteen, like you know, like beginning of
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the summer, and moved back to Beulah continue to use there. For some
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reason, my head I was thinking like, oh, Bill will be good
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for me because my drug using started down here in Bismarck, you know,
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what I mean. Like, so I was like, maybe if I go
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back, maybe it'll help me a little bit. But it didn't just continue,
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you know, like I even down there, you know, you find
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the people to get drugs from, or you find the way to get to
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the drugs, if that means like coming down here to Bismarck, you know,
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or whatever. And so I continue to do that, and it just
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continued, you know, on for years. You know. Eventually, you
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know, you just become like mentally exhausted, really honestly, like to the
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point of like becoming unaware of what you're like even doing. Like it's almost
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just like a daily routine of like up, get up, up, get
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high, you know, and like or try to find the way to get
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high. And then you know, and then by the time that you get
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high, like it's like you don't even like enjoy the high. Towards the
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end there and like realize that you're high, like because your mind is constantly
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thinking of like where's the next high, where do I have to go,
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who do I have to call, what do I have to do? You
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know, Like it it's almost just like you're like I don't even know howice
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when it like just like zoned out, you know, like going through the
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motions in a sense. Yeah, and then you like you're doing all this
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you know, all this work and it's you know, draining, you know,
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like of your energy. And by the time you're done, like it's
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like you're so exhausted, like your only other option is to get high again,
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you know, like, oh I'm so drained, I'm so exhausted.
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I got to get high, yeah, Like there's always a reason to get
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high. And it got you know, you know, it got to be
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like that. And honestly, like for like the last like five years,
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it continued day after day, like that, were you working homeless, I,
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I mean I had I wouldn't say I was working. I was doing
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what I had to do to make money, you know. Sure, I
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mean I was on a payroll, but like what I was making wasn't even
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enough to like survive off of, you know, but it is enough to
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get high. Like I manipulated my grandma a lot into the point of her
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like, you know, I like I believe she just I can't speak on
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her behalf, but from my standpoint, I would say that she just felt
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guilty, you know, and like because of the things I would say what
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I how I would act like you know, and I made her feel guilty,
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and you know, and she, you know, would help me out
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with whatever she could, you know, giving me a roof over my head,
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you know, the food I needed to eat to survive. Like there
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were days where I would you know, just be you know, so high,
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like and I wouldn't eat for days, you know, like and she
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would bring me food like just to make you know, and set it there
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on the counter like or in the fridge, just you know, so that
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it was there for me to have something to eat, you know, like
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because she knew that I wasn't eating or you know what I mean, like
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the necessities and like like supplies like that, you know, like water,
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the toilet paper, you know, like laundry stuff like all that, like
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didn't pay for any of it. Like yeah, And do you feel like
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she was enabling or you were manipulating her into from the outside. I have
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had family tell me that she was an enabler, you know, like a
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lot of people have told me. Not a lot of people, but a
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few people have told me that. You know, if it wasn't for my
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grandma enabling me, then maybe I wouldn't have been addicted or you know,
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in my active addiction for as long as I was. But they don't know
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the things that I've said, the way that I acted, or you know,
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like the lies. You know, like I don't blame my grandma one
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bit for my addiction or for how long it carried out. It's all am
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I doing. Yeah, the manipulation. Yeah, were you living in her
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house or a house she provided or CouchSurfing? Was the house she owned?
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Okay? So a property that she owned and she would basically take care of
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it and you were living there? Yeah, okay. Electrical was paid by
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her, you know, water, sewer, gas. Okay, When was
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the next time you went to treatment? After New Freedom? So towards the
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end there, you know, you just I was just exhausted. It was
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either get high or you know, or kill myself. Honestly, you know,
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the thought of like suicide, you know, like different ways you know,
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or things I could do to end my life, like you know,
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and then like things would happen, and it's like but like for example,
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one time I did like some met that was like cut with ventanol, and
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like my body you know, like just went nice cold, like you know
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my heart, like I thought I was gonna die, like yeah, you
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know, like I just got I don't know how to explain it, but
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I I don't. I was afraid to even like close my eyes and like
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try to sleep like that night, because I was like what if I don't
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wake up? You know, like when you like face death, you don't
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want it to happen. Yeah, but when you are facing nothing but addiction,
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you're like, oh, I wish death was here. Yeah you know
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what I mean? Like yeah, but you know, I always had thoughts
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of like, well I could just like go lay on the tracks and fall
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asleep, you know, like let the train like run me over, like
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if I'm sleeping, I won't know. Yeah, like just random crazy thoughts
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like that, like and that's how it was like weekly like for like the
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last two or three years. And wow, and I you know what with
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all those thoughts, you know, like you just you really you get to
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a point where you don't care. You don't care what people are thinking,
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you don't care how you present yourself. You don't care like if you get
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caught, if you get in trouble, like what they're saying about you.
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You just you don't care and so like I like was walking around like the
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small town like like I owned it, you know in a sense. But
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but you know, it was just all because I didn't care, you know
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what I mean, Like if the cops stops me whatever, I'll talk to
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them if they want to arrest me whatever, you know, Like I just
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didn't care at that point. And you know, and then I don't honestly
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know what happened. Like, but I got high, and I you know,
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I was talking to myself, I was hearing people talk back to me,
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like sometimes I was like hallucinating and seeing things like you know, and
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then like you know, like you convince yourself like of the thoughts that you're
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thinking, like you convince yourself that like things in real time, like they
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add up with the thoughts or like the things you hear, you know,
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or you make yourself believe that like to the point where you don't even know
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like what's actually happening. Yeah, you know, like is you know,
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like I don't know how to explain it. But I got to that point
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of like being crazy, and and I got high one time one night and
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I you know, like like lost it, and I was calling my grandma
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and telling her she needs to call nine one one. You know, she
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ends up calling in. You know, the cops arrived, you know,
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to the scene before like they would call help for an ambulance, you know,
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m because my grandma wasn't like giving them an explanation of what was going
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on, you know, like, oh, he he just needs help.
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He's like, you know, I was like just losing it, you know.
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And so they came, they you know, talk to me and stuff.
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They they ended up taking me in to the hospital, you know obviously
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just do like a check up and stuff like you know, blood pressure and
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all that, which all that, you know, showed that I was on
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under the influence of something. They didn't do a drug test or anything,
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because I admitted to like, you know, getting high shooting up Methye.
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They detained me for a couple of days until I saw a judge. This
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was like a I honestly don't even know if it was like a Friday night
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or whatever. Kept me until like Monday, so technically you were rested.
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Yeah, and for what Well, they charged me with ingestion, okay,
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and which is like a misdemeanor charge. And then I had given him like
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the needle that I had shot up with because he had asked like what I
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had done, like how did I do it? You know, And I
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at that point like I just didn't care, you know, yeah, like
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I'm gonna, you know, if I go to jail, I go to
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jail. Yeah, and you know, and it helped me though, Like
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that's like what got me to recovery. They they told me that, you
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know, and you know, sometimes you just don't know, like if the
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cops say what they say, just like let you hear what, you know,
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hear something. But they told me that I was arrested or that I
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was detained and taken in only because my grandma had mentioned to them because they
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had taken me, detained me in the car and my grandma was talking to
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them or they were talking to my grandma and she had told them how I
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had been suicidal and talking about you know, suicidal like thoughts and stuff.
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And that's what they told me. That they were taking me in for,
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you know, just to like do like the whole evaluation thing at the hospital
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and and you know, and then they wanted to hold me like for the
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weekend, you know, just so I could like sober up. But then
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they ended up going through with those misstermeor charges being the first charges like that
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I had faced, you know, like on my record. They the judge
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had given me a deferred sentence if I you know, with completing treatments,
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you know, and any evaluation like like that whole thing, plus on supervised
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probation for I don't I don't don't even know what it was like maybe eighteen
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months, a year and a half or something. But yeah, but I
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you know, so I ended up getting out of jail after seeing the judge.
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And I don't even think I had a phone with me. I honestly
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don't even know if I owned a phone at that time. Okay, I
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don't think I had a phone. I mean, you did say you called
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your grandma, so you must have had a phone of some sort. It
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must have been at home. Okay. I went through periods of time where
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I would have phones, and then I would I wouldn't because I would I'd
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either get pissed off. I mean, I'd get upset because I couldn't get
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high, or because somebody, like eventually people stopped believing you, you know,
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like my grandma or their family, like they aren't you know, they
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got to the point where like they knew it was for drugs, like yeah,
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or they you know, they were just tired like so, or they
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honestly probably couldn't afford it. Like, but I'd get mad and then I
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would end up like smashing my phone or like just throwing it so hard against
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the wall, like it would just shatter, like and I would, you
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know, go through some like phone after phone after phone like m hm,
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but I would. There were times where I didn't even have servis on my
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phone, so like I'd have to go places with just Wi Fi because I
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couldn't afford it. Right, it was that or it was either like phone
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service or you know, or drugs, you know. Right, So I
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got out of jail though after seeing the judge, I tried calling my I
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think, I don't remember. I tried calling my grandma though, and she
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didn't answer. So then I was in Stanting, you know, And that's
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like a ways from Beulah, where I was living. And so I went
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to the local bar and stand and thinking maybe I'll see somebody I know,
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or maybe you know, I'll run into somebody that you know that's heading like
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that way. Well, there was nobody there that at that time that you
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know, was heading in that direction. So then I started like walking down
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the highway like I had no other way to get home but walk and hitch,
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you know. And eventually like somebody drove by, they stopped, I
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you know, ran up to them. They you know, gave me a
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ride to Hazen, and then from Hazen I got dropped off, you know,
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and eventually from there I ended up getting a ride back home to beula
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got back to Beulah, you know, everyone like I knew I had gotten
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arrested, you know, like are you gonna change now? Are you gonna
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get you know, and it was always like, well I don't have a
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problem, you know. It was it was a one time thing, like
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it's not a problem though, you know, yeah, like you always find
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a way to fight the addiction, like as much as you wanted to end,
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you know, like with that being death or just getting sober. Like
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it's like you your body doesn't want it, you know, like in your
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head you want it, but your body doesn't like mentally yes, physically no,
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like I need the drug or I need something. So I uh,
28:06
you know, I tried to convince myself like I had I don't. Honestly,
28:10
I don't remember either like how long I had or the courts had given
28:14
me to do that evaluation. And then after the evaluation I had sold I
28:19
had. I don't know, there was a deadline for the evaluation to get
28:22
done. There was a deadline for you know, treatment to be completed.
28:26
Yeah, And I had done any evaluation in town there at at the clinic,
28:37
and they said I needed treatment, but they didn't have any openings at
28:44
like the program they had there. And you're talking in Beulah, yes,
28:49
So if you're just tuning in, we have Chase here talking about his recovery
28:53
story. So we were discussing you getting an evaluation in Beulah. They didn't
29:00
have openings for you. You were provided with options of where you could get
29:06
treatment, and then what happened. Oh yeah, So after that first evaluation
29:14
there, I I was kind of annoyed, honestly, like you know,
29:18
like I you know, like how am I going to get to Bismarck to
29:22
any of these other facilities? How am I going? You know, I
29:25
didn't at that time in my life, didn't own a car, you know,
29:29
like I I had always had a car to use, but it like
29:33
but I ruined, you know, I destroyed things, and I destroyed the
29:37
things that I was given, you know, the privilege to use like lets
29:42
just say that that'd being relationships, any kind of you know, material things.
29:47
Uh. So, I you know, I was kind of annoyed.
29:51
You know, I had no idea how I was going to get this done.
29:55
In my head, I was still thinking like, oh, I can
29:56
do this on my own. I don't need treatment like they think I do.
30:03
So I continue to try to prove that to myself that I didn't need
30:08
the treatment that they thought I did, like the courts and so I you
30:15
know, I tried to continue to stay sober off the drugs as that you
30:21
know, as I continued to succeed with that, I realized that maybe it
30:25
was more than just drugs, you know, like the problem, like because
30:29
I started to like heavily drink that being daily. Eventually the drinking led to
30:37
like the morning time, you know, before the day started, just to
30:41
like you know, get myself up and going. Uh continued throughout the day,
30:45
and then it would lead into the evening and to the point of me
30:51
passing out. I you know, got myself a job, like a full
30:59
time job, like the first full time job I had had in like years,
31:03
you know, like just continuing to try to prove, like, oh
31:07
I can I can get so where, I can stay sover, I can
31:10
do the things that normal people do, like without treatment. And you know,
31:14
I held that job, but like I said, you know, I
31:18
stayed off the drugs. I said, I had the temptations. I had,
31:23
you know, people around me that were using I you know, knew
31:27
where to go to get it. I would receive phone calls or you know,
31:33
or you know, I would just see someone face to face. But
31:37
I always like I was trying to prove to whoever you know, and myself
31:41
that I didn't need the treatment, and so I would, you know,
31:45
I'd say no to the drugs. And it continued. The drinking continued to
31:51
like just get worse and worse and worse throughout that time. Eventually it got
31:55
to the point where one evening after my shift, I was drinking at a
32:01
bar and like the i'l caohol at that point wasn't enough, Like it wasn't
32:07
satisfying me anymore. And it clicks in my head, well, hey,
32:13
you could you know, you don't have to shoot up math you can just
32:15
smoke it, yeah, you know, like you don't like, you know,
32:20
needles iv us. That was your problem. Like if you smoke it,
32:22
you'll still be able to function, You'll still you'll be okay, you'll
32:25
have more control, you know. And like that thought came to mind,
32:30
and that's what I did. And that short period of time that I had
32:35
of without using drugs, you know, like it vanished and you know,
32:40
and then I started smoking you know, meth, and on top of that,
32:45
I continued the drinking that I'd picked up, you know, due to
32:50
the lack of drugs or you know, from not using drugs that happening,
32:55
you know, and that's the reason why I you know, I identify as
33:00
an alcoholic and not a drug addict, you know, Like drugs are a
33:05
major part of my story, but you know, alcohol it was always there
33:09
in the background. Sure, Like there were times where the drugs were heavy,
33:14
you know, and the the booze was you know, just there in
33:19
case, you know, like sometimes not used at all, but but you
33:25
know, it was always there, and I experienced it firsthand, you know,
33:34
like drinking and eventually that leading to drugs. You know. I hear
33:39
some people that are like well, I don't want to drink, just in
33:44
case I relapse on drugs, Like I've been there where I did drink and
33:51
it led to drugs, and therefore I identify as alcoholic in order to prevent
33:55
myself, you know, I will never pick up that first drink, as
34:00
I am afraid uh repeating you know what had already happened in the past,
34:07
you know, like is they'll call eventually going to lead to drugs again,
34:12
you know, and so to keep that from happening, I I choose to
34:17
you know, not drink. So you're drinking, you're using math. Then
34:23
what it got down to the point, you know where there was a time
34:29
crunch. I had less than a month, you know, wasted that whole
34:34
year like trying to prove to whoever you know, that I didn't need treatment.
34:39
And it got down to that last month, and I, you know,
34:44
I was like, well what do I do, like do like eventually
34:47
I just gave in. I was like, fine, I'll just do what
34:50
they want me to do and go treatment, like you know, like my
34:53
grandma was, you know, like, well don't you to do treatment?
34:57
When are you doing that treatment? Like I thought they said you have I
35:00
had to go to treatment, like you know, like just saw me about
35:01
it, and I was like, I still have time, you know,
35:05
like that time when like that window of time like was disappearing. I I
35:12
got down to the last minute, I you know, had asked my grandma
35:16
if she would give me a ride down here to Bismarck, you know,
35:19
to do any evaluation at Heartview, and she, you know, came down
35:24
here game let me, or came down here with me, you know,
35:29
in her vehicle. And I did that evaluation. And the day that I
35:34
had checked myself into treatment, or that I at first attended treatment, was
35:38
the day that the courts I was supposed to have it completed, you know.
35:44
So I had called the courts, you know, of course, you
35:45
know, like as the addicts always do, you know, you come up
35:49
with an excuse or lie or reason of why it hadn't happened yet. Yeah,
35:53
and you know, they as long as I, you know, had
35:58
submitted proof that I was attending treatment, that they were okay with that.
36:04
And so I had you know, PaperWorks submitted to the courts, you know,
36:09
showing proof that I had started a treatment and that I was attending I
36:16
attended at Heartview Intensive I was in intense about patient, you know, attending
36:22
Monday through Friday, and you know, nobody was really you know, wanting
36:30
to help me. Honestly, I don't think it was that they weren't wanting
36:35
to help me at that point, you know, like you just you don't
36:37
even want to accept the help, you know, like it's like, no,
36:40
I can do this on my own. Like you know, I don't
36:44
like the whole thing, like with proving to the courts, like oh,
36:46
I'm not I can get sober on my own, Like the same thing with
36:49
like family, with you know, those that are close to you, like
36:52
you're you know you I mean for me, especially like I'm like I've always
36:57
been stubborn, but you know, like you just want to prove to everyone
37:00
like oh I can do this without your help. I can do this on
37:04
my own. And that's kind of what I did. I you know,
37:07
got to treatment. I didn't have insurance or anythings, you know, so
37:12
I had to apply for Medicaid expansion. Through that, I got you know,
37:17
the transportation you know, provided to the treatment facility. You know,
37:23
so I was getting there, getting back home, I you know, throughout
37:29
the week, you know, I was doing all that on my own figured
37:31
it out and with you know, some help through you know, staff at
37:38
heart View, and you know, eventually you know it. You know,
37:45
like I got to uh, were you sober when you started treatment or were
37:50
you still using as you were coming to treatment? I got high my last
37:57
time. The last time I got high was like the weekend before, so
38:00
like the Sunday before I had started treatment, and I had started on a
38:04
Monday, okay, And for the first two days after treatment, I continue
38:10
to drink i'l caohol okay. So I attended treatment and ended, you know,
38:17
had no longer done drugs alcohol. I continued for two more days.
38:23
So that third day of treatment is when I completely your sobriety day, Yeah,
38:29
stopped everything, Okay, But I do think you stopped because it sounds
38:36
like up to this point you were very I don't have a problem. I
38:39
have a court family problem. I don't know. Maybe you know, just
38:45
being around other people, you know, like in Beulah. You know,
38:52
it wasn't like there was I was surrounded by other people like that were getting
38:54
sober or that. Sure, you know, you get to treatment, you
38:58
know, like you're around you know, counselors, you know, or you
39:02
hear stories from you know, people that come in to speak that are you
39:08
know, sober or have you know, you know a good amount of sobriety,
39:15
or just others that are attending treatment, you know, and hearing about
39:20
their sobriety if you know, and you know, you never know, like
39:22
if what they're saying is true, but you know, you would like to
39:27
believe it's true, like with what they're saying in treatment in group or you
39:31
know, the story the stories are sharing and you know, and it's truly
39:37
like what I had always wanted. But I think I was just always afraid.
39:44
I don't, you know, I honestly don't know, Like maybe there
39:45
was just a thought in the back of my head like I didn't deserve it,
39:49
sure, you know, like you know, I like I for a
39:53
long time believed that the life I was living was intended for me because for
39:58
some reason I deserved it, you know, like and you know, like
40:01
maybe you know, like maybe that's why it was so hard to get sober,
40:06
because you just, you know, you think sometimes that you don't deserve
40:12
anything a good life, yeah, absolutely, but just being around it and
40:15
stuff, you know, and just being somewhere you know, with a more
40:21
positive energy around, positive you know, energy from others as well, like
40:27
you just you know, I something clicked and I just wanted it. So
40:32
I tried my hardest to stay sober and continued to stay sober after you know,
40:38
that third day, and I eventually got to a point where you know,
40:46
like a couple of weeks went by, and then it was like,
40:50
you know, in those first few weeks, you know, like every weekend
40:52
was kind of hard because I went two days without group, two days without
40:55
being around those people, kind of alone, you know, like back in
41:01
Beulah, and so those days were always a struggle. But I, you
41:07
know, just honestly, I just locked myself in the room and watched TV,
41:13
like, stayed indoors. Yeah, only when outside of smoke cigarettes.
41:15
Like then I go back in, like I didn't go anywhere. I tried
41:19
not to, you know, go around that you know, like that way,
41:23
continue or continue that way. And as I went through treatment and you
41:30
know, and with the fear of having to go the weekends without you know,
41:37
and like worry about relapsing or you know, or giving in or you
41:40
know, like temptations like that's what scared me and got me to like move
41:50
down to Bismarck attending you know, you know, moving into like sober living,
41:57
Knowing like that I was having a hard time, a difficult time,
41:59
like just you know, getting through the weekend without you know, like with
42:04
the thoughts that I had, you know, without like the giving in to
42:07
the temptations and the wanting to get high or use. I knew that by
42:14
you know, I knew that moving back, you know, or continuing to
42:16
live in Beulah and not moving back to continue to live in Beulah like after
42:20
treatment like would probably be hard, you know for me to continue with my
42:25
sobriety, yeah, and staying sober. So I extended my treatment by a
42:32
couple of weeks with heart View. While I was waiting to move into a
42:40
sober living here in Bismarck. I had there was like a waiting list I
42:45
had, you know, a couple of weeks I had to wait, and
42:49
you know, eventually that week came to where I could move in. I
42:52
finished up with treatment. Then on the day that I moved into sober living,
42:58
since I had the transportation you know, provided with Medicare or Medicaid expansion,
43:04
I had packed up my stuff, you know, I did what I
43:08
could, you know, to the best my ability, you know, with
43:12
kind of cleaning up you know, kind of getting my grandma's you know place,
43:17
you know, like where I was living, you know that she owned
43:22
back into an original state. You know, I guess I could say,
43:24
cleaned up my mask, you know, washed everything, you know, like
43:30
vacuumed all that. And you know, I tried my best to leave it
43:35
like in a good state, in a better state than what I had,
43:38
you know, made it to be. And you know, got picked up
43:45
in the morning for treatment, drove there with all my bags, with what
43:47
I had brought with, which is pretty much like all that I owned,
43:51
you know, just a suitcase of clothes, and you know, started my
43:57
journey down here in Bismarck, you know, with recovery, with you know,
44:00
sober living, and I just continued on, yo, growing, you
44:08
know, spiritually and you know, just in the recovery community, you know,
44:15
and you know mentally, you know, with myself. You know,
44:22
just how long were you in I stayed in sober Living for I signed up
44:30
for nine months and ended up staying for a total of like sixteen months.
44:43
Okay, wow, almost a year and a half. Why did you stay
44:50
that long. I honestly, I don't know. I just I just continue,
45:00
you need to work, you know, the program continued to just do
45:04
the action. There was no rush for me to move out, you know.
45:09
And you know, people came and people and they would leave, you
45:15
know, some you know, ended up staying, you know, and you
45:20
know, you meet people that become like family and friends and and you you
45:25
know, I don't, I don't know. I just I don't know how
45:34
to answer to that. Okay, I just I felt safe. I guess
45:36
you know, it becomes a home. So are you still in sober living
45:39
currently? No? I moved out last fall. Okay, so how's that
45:45
going? Like? What's your recovery look like? Now? I continue?
45:50
You know, I found a home group, you know, I went through
45:54
a few home groups, you know, you know, with meetings and stuff
46:00
in here in Bismarck, and I, you know, I but I continue
46:07
to go to the home group that I'm currently a part of at weekly.
46:12
I have a commitment there. At that home group, I currently have a
46:17
sponseee that I've taken through the steps and you know, through the book I
46:27
I do a book study at Heartview here in town. At one of their
46:34
facilities every week. Just try to carry the message, try to carry my
46:37
story and just share my experience, strength and hope. Cool. What is
46:44
relationship with like with grandma? Now, with my grandma, I try my
46:51
best to send like any extra money that I have, you know, to
46:55
her financial amends. Yes, I I definitely like could not even put a
47:01
dollar amount on what I owed just through you know, damaged you know property
47:07
like I, you know, wrecked vehicles that she had to get repaired,
47:13
you know, like all those like mechanical bills, like even like an oil
47:17
change. I never even paid for the oil change I was driving the car,
47:21
like, but the only thing I did for the car was put gas
47:23
in it, like oil changes, like up keep on that, you know,
47:27
like all the expenses you know, just for living under her roof.
47:30
Like there's no way that I could put a dollar amount on it. But
47:34
and she knows that. But I do my best to repair that, you
47:40
know, relationship, even financially, by you know, doing what I can
47:45
and giving her what I what extra I have. Sure, are you closer?
47:53
My grandma and I have always been close, Okay, But is it
47:59
different? Oh? I mean it definitely continues to grow and gets stronger.
48:07
It was never like a weak relationship though, you know, you know the
48:10
love was always there, but you know, the love just continues to grow
48:16
now. So anyone who might be listening who's currently struggling, or know someone
48:22
who's struggling, what would you tell them? Stop fighting yourself. You know
48:30
the battle can only be one if you surrender as well. Thank you for
48:38
joining us today and sharing your story. It's very brave to do so I
48:43
really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Is that it