Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #87 How to discipline a 7 year old

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#87 How to discipline a 7 year old · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, where Luke
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  Speaker 1: and Susie parents of three little boys, and this is
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  Speaker 1: the podcast for those of us who are time poor
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  Speaker 1: parents but just want answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: Thank goodness for our parenting expert because we've had a doozy.
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  Speaker 3: You have a question come to the show that we're
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  Speaker 3: going to get into answer because I can't.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we've got a seven year old who's been egged
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  Speaker 1: on to do something wrong and a parent who seems
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  Speaker 1: that it's end on how to actually deal with the scenario.
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  Speaker 1: It's going to be hard for you to answer this one,
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  Speaker 1: but as the parenting expert, you'll give it a go.
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  Speaker 1: I've got a feeling we're going to be talking about
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  Speaker 1: the definition of discipline in just to start us off.
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  Speaker 2: Just have I done that many conversations for you in
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  Speaker 2: a while?
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  Speaker 1: It has been, but it's a wonderful foundation of everything
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  Speaker 1: that you've brought into our world is to really work
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  Speaker 1: through what this is. Because this is the opening line
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  Speaker 1: of a question that's come to the show, let's look
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  Speaker 1: at it.
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  Speaker 3: I'm really struggling with discipline my seven year old seven
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  Speaker 3: year old seven years old egged on by a friend
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  Speaker 3: image some private property. Recently was a sign outside of
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  Speaker 3: a gym, and I was so shocked that he would
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  Speaker 3: do that. Our usual discipline tactics are withholding his favorite
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  Speaker 3: things like weekend, I've had time or similar. But I
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  Speaker 3: feel like nothing's working.
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  Speaker 4: That's because that kind of discipline doesn't really all it does. Okay,
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  Speaker 4: so let's go over the very brief summary of this.
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  Speaker 4: I've certainly shared this on the show many many times.
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  Speaker 4: Discipline and punishment are different things. If you look up
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  Speaker 4: in the dictionary today, disciplone means punish, But historically discipline
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  Speaker 4: has always meant to teach, or to guide, or to instruct.
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  Speaker 4: It's about showing somebody the way to be a disciple.
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  Speaker 4: To be disciplined is to follow a path. Punishment means
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  Speaker 4: that you hurt somebody, You make them pay a price
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  Speaker 4: for something they've done that you don't like.
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  Speaker 2: In other words, punishment is all.
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  Speaker 4: About using your power to inflict pain and to hurt.
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  Speaker 4: Discipline is all about using your relationship to influence, guide,
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  Speaker 4: and help. If I was to summarize, do you want
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  Speaker 4: to hurt your child or do you want to help
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  Speaker 4: your child when they start to struggle with peer pressure
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  Speaker 4: or making poor choices.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, this is the logic that I think has really
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  Speaker 1: helped us many times over countless examples of really trying
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  Speaker 1: to work with frustrating children who just continuously do the
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  Speaker 1: opposite to what you ask them to do, despite how
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  Speaker 1: many times you've sort of had that conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Let's look at this specific scenario well in concept, because
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  Speaker 3: I'm sure many parents have been through this where their
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  Speaker 3: child has behaved in a way that they just weren't
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  Speaker 3: raised to be. They've done something they you know, oh
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  Speaker 3: my gosh, I can't believe my child did this. So
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  Speaker 3: how then if it feels like what you're doing isn't working,
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  Speaker 3: then what do you do about a behavior that has
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  Speaker 3: already been done? So there's been a removal of time here.
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  Speaker 4: Sure we need to talk about what's happened in this
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  Speaker 4: specific scenario. Okay, So often when our children with other kids,
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  Speaker 4: especially as they start to get older normally seven's a
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  Speaker 4: little bit young. Normally for about eight or nine, they
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  Speaker 4: start to be aware of what's going on around and
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  Speaker 4: they want to have popularity. They want what's like just
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  Speaker 4: call social capital, and so they'll do well, there's no
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  Speaker 4: other way to say it. They'll do dumb things because
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  Speaker 4: they think that they're going to get kudos. They think
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  Speaker 4: they're going to develop some level of capital within the group,
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  Speaker 4: so they'll become popular. Because everyone wants to be popular, right,
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  Speaker 4: Our kids just want to not all of them, but
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  Speaker 4: many of them want to be in the in crowd.
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  Speaker 4: So what we've got here as a child who is
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  Speaker 4: behaving in a way that is not consistent with the
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  Speaker 4: values that he's been taught because he wants something from
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  Speaker 4: his friends. Embarrassing story. When I was about fourteen fifteen
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  Speaker 4: years old, my friends came over one night. I used
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  Speaker 4: to be like a really competitive swimmer. I was swimming
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  Speaker 4: ten sessions a week, two hours per session. I was
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  Speaker 4: swimming the dozens of killer meters a week. It was
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  Speaker 4: ridiculous how much I was in the pool, which meant
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  Speaker 4: that I could consume a whole lot of food, and
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  Speaker 4: I had a really healthy appetite, was strong and fit
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  Speaker 4: and whatever. My friends came over this night. I just
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  Speaker 4: finished a two hour swimming session. I think I've swum
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  Speaker 4: six or seven k's in that two hours. I did
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  Speaker 4: my big bowl of spaghetti bolon A's and one of
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  Speaker 4: the guys says, to me, Hey, justin have you ever
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  Speaker 4: done the milk challenge? I said, what's the milk challenge? Said,
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  Speaker 4: You've got to drink two liters of milk in I
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  Speaker 4: can't remember. It was five or ten minutes, whatever it was.
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  Speaker 4: It was pretty quick for two litters of milk. I
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  Speaker 4: looked at him my laughs. I'm like, that's so easy.
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  Speaker 4: Bear in mind, I've just eaten spaghetti bolo aize and
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  Speaker 4: it was a lot because I used to really pack
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  Speaker 4: it away. I've opened up the fridge. There's two liters
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  Speaker 4: of strawberry milk.
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  Speaker 2: I've said, watch this.
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  Speaker 4: He's pressed go on the stop Watch and I had
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  Speaker 4: to gone in about three and a half minutes.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, it just gone.
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  Speaker 4: A few years later, I'm about eighteen or nineteen. Some
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  Speaker 4: friends are getting together on the weekend.
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  Speaker 2: We catch up.
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  Speaker 4: One of them says, hey, I thought we should do
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  Speaker 4: the milk challenge today. I'm like, what's the milk I know,
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  Speaker 4: I said that the milk Challenge, that's lame. I did
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  Speaker 4: it when I was fourteen. He looked at me incredulous.
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  Speaker 4: You've done the milk challenge. Uh huh, You've drunk four
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  Speaker 4: liters of milk in an hour. I said, oh no,
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  Speaker 4: I did two in a few minutes, and he said,
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  Speaker 4: anyone can do two.
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  Speaker 2: The four leaders is where it's at.
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  Speaker 4: And so that morning we all went down to the
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  Speaker 4: shops and we bought four liters of milk each.
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  Speaker 2: We set the stop watch.
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  Speaker 4: And you know, when that quantity of milk leaves your
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  Speaker 4: system via your mouth, after your body simply rejects it
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  Speaker 4: and says, I can't hold it anymore, it is extraord
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  Speaker 4: What we saw was I can't believe I'm sharing this.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry it is. I'll stop there.
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  Speaker 4: The point that I want to make is this though,
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  Speaker 4: what teenage boy I mean, teenage boys are sensation seeking,
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  Speaker 4: their risk taking.
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  Speaker 2: They're the ones that are more likely to do this.
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  Speaker 4: What teenage boy has ever been home alone, open the
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  Speaker 4: fridge on Saturday morning, gone four leaders of milk?
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  Speaker 2: I wonder, I wonder, that's not what happens.
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  Speaker 4: We only do this stuff when our friends are around.
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  Speaker 4: So we've got a little boy who's doing something that
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  Speaker 4: he knows is not right, and he's in conflict with
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  Speaker 4: his values.
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  Speaker 2: Because his friends are there.
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  Speaker 4: That's the context, and we need to take that into
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  Speaker 4: consideration when we work out how we can discipline. That
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  Speaker 4: is how we can help him to make better decisions
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  Speaker 4: next time. So when we rely on punishment, what we're
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  Speaker 4: essentially doing is we're being the police. And you know
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  Speaker 4: what happens when you drive down the road and you
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  Speaker 4: see the police, You get the brakes, you slow down,
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  Speaker 4: the front of the car goes.
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  Speaker 2: About good emotion, no, not at all, and then once.
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  Speaker 4: The police are out of your rearview mirror, chances are,
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  Speaker 4: if you're like most motorists, you're speed up. I'm not
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  Speaker 4: suggesting everyone's out there speeding like crazy, but most people
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  Speaker 4: are less vigilant of their speed. They know that they
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  Speaker 4: can get away with a bit, and so many of
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  Speaker 4: them will. It's the same with behavior when we're using punishment.
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  Speaker 4: Our kids hit the brakes when we're around, but once
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  Speaker 4: we're not there, they know that they can. The police
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  Speaker 4: aren't watching. In other words, the being externally regulated. I
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  Speaker 4: want my children, and I know you want your children
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  Speaker 4: to be internally regulated. That is, they want to do
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  Speaker 4: the right thing because it's the right thing, and they're
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  Speaker 4: deciding they're not doing it just because they're being watched.
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  Speaker 4: The way we get there is that we use my
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  Speaker 4: three ease of effective discipline. So we've got the seven
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  Speaker 4: year old who's destroyed the sign because he's been egged.
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  Speaker 2: On by some friends.
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  Speaker 3: So that's really the behavior we're concerned about. It's how
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  Speaker 3: easily influenced you?
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  Speaker 4: So how do we help him? Because that's actually the question.
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  Speaker 4: The question isn't how do I hurt him, how do
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  Speaker 4: I punish him, how do I teach him a lesson?
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  Speaker 4: The question is how do I help him to learn
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  Speaker 4: to be the kind of human doesn't believe that it's
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  Speaker 4: okay to destroy signs? And the way we do that
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  Speaker 4: is we do a couple of things. First of all,
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  Speaker 4: we explore. We explore how it was feeling. How did
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  Speaker 4: it feel when you were with all your friends and
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  Speaker 4: they were saying to do it? Did you feel like
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  Speaker 4: it was the right thing or the wrong thing? What
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  Speaker 4: was going on for you? Now, the questions will vary
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  Speaker 4: depending on the age of the child. A seven year old,
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  Speaker 4: we're kind of going to make it a bit easy
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  Speaker 4: for them, but we want to say, how did it
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  Speaker 4: feel after.
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  Speaker 2: You did it? What were you thinking? Did you feel
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  Speaker 2: good afterwards? Did you feel nervous afterwards?
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  Speaker 4: Were you're scared later because you knew you might get
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  Speaker 4: in trouble for this. We want to explore deeply, not
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  Speaker 4: just superficially. We explore, you've heard me say a few times.
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  Speaker 4: We explore, We don't explode. We get curious, not furious.
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  Speaker 4: We understand, not reprimand the idea here is that we
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  Speaker 4: want our child to know that we're just trying to
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  Speaker 4: understand how they're feeling, what's going on, and what really
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  Speaker 4: sat behind that behavior. Then we explain, We say, you
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  Speaker 4: know what, there were there a few things going on
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  Speaker 4: here that we're wrong. I can tell you what they are,
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  Speaker 4: and so you might or you might instead say why
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  Speaker 4: don't you tell me what you think went wrong here?
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  Speaker 4: Why don't you explain it to me. The more they're explaining,
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  Speaker 4: by the way, the more their mouth is moving, the
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  Speaker 4: more their brain has to move, which means that they're
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  Speaker 4: going to learn and internalize the most important part of this.
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  Speaker 4: Once we've explored and explained, though, is that we empower
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  Speaker 4: our child. So we say to the seven year old, Okay,
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  Speaker 4: well what do you think we need to do now
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  Speaker 4: to fix this and to make it right now? Our
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  Speaker 4: child is unlikely to say, well, Mum, well dad, I
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  Speaker 4: think we should go down and apologize, and I should
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  Speaker 4: do some work to make sure that we can fix
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  Speaker 4: things up at the gym where I destroyed the sign.
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  Speaker 4: Seven year old boys are not really inclined to go
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  Speaker 4: and make restitution whatever they recommend. Ideally, we're going to
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  Speaker 4: be able to say that's a great idea. If they
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  Speaker 4: make a dumb decision, if they shrug their shoulders say munlu,
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  Speaker 4: you say, well, something needs to be done. We need
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  Speaker 4: to work out how we can do, how we can
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  Speaker 4: fix things, and how we can make sure this doesn't
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  Speaker 4: happen in the future. So what you're looking for ultimately
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  Speaker 4: is the opportunity to guide them towards some sort of restoration,
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  Speaker 4: to fix up what they've done. But there's a second
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  Speaker 4: part of the conversation, and that is, next time you're
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  Speaker 4: in this situation, what do you think would be a
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  Speaker 4: better response?
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  Speaker 2: How can I help you? How can I guide you?
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  Speaker 4: How can I teach you to respond better when all
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  Speaker 4: of your friends are pressuring you?
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  Speaker 2: As parents, is our.
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  Speaker 4: Job to socialize our kids, and the best way we
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  Speaker 4: can do that is to help them finances within themselves.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, great, wonderful. It's lots to explore, explain, empower. Doctor
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  Speaker 1: Justin Wilson, Thank you so much for hell.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks guys.
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  Speaker 3: You can find more information on all of Justin's books, programs,
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  Speaker 3: and podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot au. But
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: if you'd like to find out how to have Justin
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  Speaker 3: come and speak at your school, organization, or event, go
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  Speaker 3: to Justinkilson dot com