Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #491 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#491 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, what I've been really working on hard as a
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: dad is having regular gentle kind touch points with the
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: kids when they're talking to me, having my phone down
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: on my screen closed, and actually focusing on my child
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: rather than the other things that could distract me.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: And now here's the scars of our show.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: My mom and dad. We love Fridays, especially Fridays when
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: there's a long weekend coming. We're going to keep this
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: one short today so that you can head into your
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: long weekend, be excited about spending time with your family,
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: have Monday off, and spend some time with gratitude in
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: your heart for the ANZACs that have fought for our
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: freedom and given us the amazing country that we live in.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Courson. I'm here with Kylie, my
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: wife and mum to our six kids. I'll do better tomorrow. Oh,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: before we do, I'll do better tomorrow. I do need
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: to tell you the other day, our dog, so it's
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: not our dog, our daughter's dog that hasn't been with
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: us for rages because we're moving out of home, was
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: back with us. And I didn't tell you this, but
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: I had to take her to the vet. She swallowed
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: a bag of scrabble letters. Kylie, scrabble letters.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Coder, we don't even known scrabble.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: Well, no, that's right, because she swallowed the scrabble letters,
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: took it to the vet. No word yet. Hey, just
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: before we actually dive into old do better tomorrow. For
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: those of you who are new to the podcast, Every Friday,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: we talk about the learnings of the week, the intentional
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: ways that we can better tomorrow as a result of
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: our experience as parents this past week. Before we do that,
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: we always like to share a little bit of fun
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: stuff as well, And this last week I found something
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: that I thought you might like. This is a list
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: of proverbs that kids were asked to complete. You know,
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: those sayings that everybody knows. I'm going to get you
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: to say the saying and then I'll tell you what
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: the kids said. Okay, And I just want to test
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: to see whether or not you know them as well,
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: putting you on the spot. Are you nervous you know them?
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Where you don't know them? There's nothing to be nervous.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Okay, You strike while the iron is hot. Yeah, you do.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: Except the kids in grade one said, you strike while
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: the bug is close. It's always dark as before the dawn. Correct,
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: except the kids said it's always darkest before daylight saving time.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Another one was you can lead a horse to water,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: but you can't make it drink. The kids said, you
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: can lead a horse to water. But how that was it?
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Don't bite the hand that fed you feeds you. Yeah,
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: so they said, don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: I like this one as well. No news is good news, apparently,
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: except these kids thought, no news is impossible. A miss
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: is as good as a I've stumped you.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know that one. A miss is as good
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: as a mile.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: A miss is as good as a mile. You didn't
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: know that one. No, it's basically saying, if you miss
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: by a little bit, you might as well miss buy
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: a mile because you're still missed. That's the right.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: I've never heard that one.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Well, these kids said, a miss is as good as miss.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: See it's twenty twenty two. We're finally getting the message.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: How good is that. You can't teach an old dog
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: new tricks? Except the kids thought it was you can't
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: teach an old dog new math and the one that
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: I thought was perhaps the most fun of all, the
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: one that I thought I would share is better late
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: than never, except the kids said better late than pregnant.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Oh gosh, get it, better late than better? Yeah, of
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: course you get it. Sorry, you've had six kids, all right,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: let's just focus on the things that were supposed to
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: be focusing on. I thought they were very funny. I
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: also thought that my joke about the dog eating the
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: scrabble no wood yet was great, But you didn't like
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: that at all.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: So now talking about words. I had a conversation with
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: one of our daughters over the holidays because she's been
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: doing a bit of work for you. It's actually had
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: to do the subtitles for all of your videos.
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  Speaker 2: You're going to bring that up. I can't believe you're
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: bringing that up. We're supposed to be talking about old
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow. We're supposed to be building people up here,
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: and you're gonna me down.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to slap you down, but I am
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  Speaker 1: going to highlight that. All this time we've been recording
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: the podcast, you have talked to me a lot about
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: all of the verbal crutches that I have.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: Things like you know, as an example, or you know
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  Speaker 2: it's interesting that, or.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so the subtitles have kind of suggested that
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: you might have a few of your own.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I try so hard not to.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And our daughter said, do you know how many times
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: I've had to get rid of?
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  Speaker 2: And then she's told us all of my verbal crutches.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: I loved it.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: It was so funny because the reality is we all
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: have them. Apparently, Yeah, even radio announces.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm not a radio announcer anymore. I used to be,
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: and you will note that I don't have very many.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: And it's interesting because she said she's had to do
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: a lot.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: Well, I try really hard not to have them, and
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: now I'm even more aware of them. And I guarantee
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: if she was doing I'm let's just move on. Can
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: we just move on? All right? Are you going to
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: share our eye? Yeah? I'll go first, because my older
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: better Tomorrow is really short, It's really brief, and it's
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: just really simple, like when it comes to making our
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: family happier and having great quality interactions with the children
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: and being intentional about things. I don't have any massive
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: stories to tell about a special endearing moment or a
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: complete stuff up this week It's been a fairly run
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: of the mill week. The kids are back at school,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: we're living separately for the final week. Today's actually the
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: last day that we're separate. The furniture truck arrives a
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: little bit later today and all of our gear gets
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: moved out of our house. I'm so excited to be
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: coming up the coast with you, and from this point
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: forward we're back in the same premises. I'm going.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: But I don't know where you plan on working.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: No, we're going to have some really interesting podcasts, and
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: who knows what's going to happen. But what I've been
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: really working on hard as a dad is having regular,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: gentle kind touch points with the kids. So just when
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: they enter the room, smiling and being happy when they're
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: talking to me, having my phone down or my screen closed,
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: and actually focusing on my child rather than the other
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: things that could distract me, being delighted in the experiences
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: that they're sharing after school or whatever it might be.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Those tiny, little intentional moments, the moments that are actually
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: meaningless and don't offer anything. They're the moments that I've
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: been focusing on this week, and it has just it's
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: felt beautiful. I felt like my interactions are richer, I
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: feel like my engagement with the children is stronger. Those
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: gentle touch points have been a real highlight for me,
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: and so I wanted to share that just to highlight
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: that when it comes to old do better tomorrow. When
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: it comes to our parenting, we don't have to be
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: doing big things all the time and making a big
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: deal about how great we are as parents. In fact,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: I think that it's the consistency of doing the unspectacular
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: but important that leads to the best parenting.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Well, you can't have those spectacular moments without the underbed,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: the foundation of unspectacular day by day, increment by increment,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: positive experiences with our children.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so that's why take our message for today's I'll
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow. After the break, we'll find out what
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Kyl's story is. Just when you think you've got this
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: parenting gig nailed, your child hits some new milestone that
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: leaves you figuratively banging your head against the wall. You wonder,
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: where's the instruction manual? Your growth guide? Is that instruction
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: manual a webinar outlining basic milestones so you know where
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: your child's at, where they're going and what you can expect.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: Get insights, reassurance and support from your growth Guide, available
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: online at happy families dot com dot a you.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, The podcast for a time
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, my story is
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: a little bit different to yours.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's hear it.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: One of our children is an absolute creative. If you
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: had to pick a word to describe her, it would
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: be creative. And she is creative in the way she dresses,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: in the things that she chooses to spend her time doing,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: in the way she acquires money.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: Yes, you've got to share this story. Is that what
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: you're going to?
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Oh? No, actually wasn't. But now that we're here, she
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: has decided that she doesn't want a job because she
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: wants to focus on her studies right now.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: But she's feeling the pinch of a very very empty
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: bank account.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: Because I'm not going to keep on giving a cash
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: for nothing.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: And so an ad came up for some medical research
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: and she decided that she'd give it a go. She'd
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: had a friend who tried and they'd been pushed back.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: So we kind of said to her, look, we're not
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: really kind of happy about.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: This pharmaceutical company. Let's inject you with something, we'll do
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: a clinical trial, and we'll pay you to do it.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: But she's thinking, I'm going to get paid. I get
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: get paid for like a couple of days worth of.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: Work, and it's been money, like they pay really well.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: So anyway, she rang up and did the preliminary interview
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: and she made it through to the you know, the
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: next stage, and she came back and she said to
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: her she said, so I'm going to do this medical study.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: She said, do you know how much they're going to
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: pay me?
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: And it was a large sum, Like I was surprised
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: how much they're paying for a fairly modest level of input,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: like not much time.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: We were very concerned.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Obviously they're going to experiment with her with experimental medical
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: drugs and she's I'm like, what are you actually gonna
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: let them do to your body? Like this is craziness.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Well, one of the things one of the questions they
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: asked her was if she was okay with needles.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is the this is the child who have tantrums,
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: who as a seventeen year old we had to drag
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: into the medical facility so she could get a needle.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: She's eighteen now, by the way, so she can do
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: whatever she wants.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: She said, I'm fine. I said, it's amazing. What a
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: big money pouch we'll do. So anyway, she is one
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: hundred percent creative. And the other day we were driving
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: the car. Oh so that's not your old about that
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Actually wasn't my old be able tomorrow? The other day
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: we were driving in the car and anyway, she she
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: turns to me and she says, Mum, I think I
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: know what I want to be when I grow up.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: And I said, uh huh, And she said, I think
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be a tattoo artist. Yeah, you and
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: I don't have tattoos. We kind of you know, it's
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: not our thing.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: We're not tatoo people.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: And and she was.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: No shame, no judgment. If you are, by the way,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: we're not. We're not making any judgments, just saying we're not.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: She was staring a hole through me from mum, Mom,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: did you hear me? Did you hear what I said?
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be a tattoo artist? She said, Can
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: you imagine how cool that job would be? She said,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: I just love the idea of being part of people's
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: like special moments when they come in and they say
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: they want to have, you know, like their baby's name
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: or whatever. And she kind of listed all of these
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: different things that she thought were spectacular moments that she'd
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: be a part of, and she said, did.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: You highlight that a lot of those moments would just
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: be drunken idiot moments?
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: Well? And then I said to her and she said, well,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: and I bet you there'd be a whole heap of
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: funny ones as well. And she said, and meanwhile, I'm
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: just I was sitting there smiling and I'm listening to her,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: but I'm not really responding. And she finally looks at
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: me when she realizes she's not going to get the
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: rise out of me that she wanted. She said, I
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: just don't know how serious anyone would take a tattoo
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: artist that doesn't have a tattoo. And she just left
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: it there and we both had a really big laugh.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: And she came home that night and around the dinner table,
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: she decided to see if she'd get her rise out
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: of you.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: She put it on me. Yeah, And what was my response.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: I was eating dinner when she said it, and she.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: You put another mouthful of food in your mouth. I
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: believe when it came out, because the response.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: From me when I'm not sure what to respond is
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: always increase the space between what's just happened and response
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: so that I can make sure that the response is
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: the right one.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: And then she took another step further. She decided to
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: tell her grandmother, who is very, very conservative, Oh yeah,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: and my mum's face literally dropped at All of her
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: siblings were around, and they're all looking at me, waiting
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: to see what I'm going to do. And I've just
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: got the smile on my face. And then her big
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: sisters lost it, and my mom's realized and she's decided
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: she can laugh.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: You know what, I think that that particular child would
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: probably make a really great tatoo artist. I'm just putting
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: it out there. I think she'd be amazing at it.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: And I just look, I just love that our kids
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: have these totally different personalities. Yeah, and I had an
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: experience in my teenage years that really kind of, I guess,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: changed the way I wanted to respond to my kids.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Me and my friends fourteen year olds, we decided we
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: wanted to move out of home, and her mum had
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: a downstairs apartment space that we could use, and so
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: we spent the whole weekend on the sleepover planning everything
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: that we needed so that we could move in together.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: We told her mum and she was ecstatic. She was
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: so excited, and she said, well, you can use the
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: clock room in that room and you can take the
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: bed from there, and she helped us kind of bring
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: it all together. I went home and told my mum
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: and she lost it. She was so worked up about it.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: The reality was that it probably was never going to happen,
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: but because of the way my mum responded to me
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: about it, it severed my relationship with her. It actually
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: put a big gap in the relationship, and it meant
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: that I didn't want to tell her any more of
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: the things that I thought I wanted to do with
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: my life. And so, you know, whether my daughter decides
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: to be a tattoo artist or not, it's not actually
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: up to me. It's up to her and just being
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: able to kind of have that perspective and allow her
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: to explore options, because anybody who's anybody would know that
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: just because you think you're going to do something doesn't
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: mean that you will. And so often as parents, we
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: get so worked up about what our children think they're
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: going to do without giving them the space to kind
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: of work it out and realize that maybe this isn't
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: what I want to do, or maybe they do end
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: up down that road, but they're doing what they want
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: to do and their life is going to be so
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: much richer for it.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, great take home message. Thanks so much for listening
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: to The Happy Family's podcast. We would love it if
• 13:58
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• 14:16
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• 14:19
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• 14:21
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• 14:23
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• 14:27
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• 14:30
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• 14:45
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