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8 Steps to overcome burn out (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: So today is an Encore episode because I am going
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: on maternity leave. I have hand selected with my assistant Shanai.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: We've hand selected episodes that we think will be like
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  Speaker 1: just honestly your favorite. They're episodes that have either really
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  Speaker 1: great feedback or have been shared a lot amongst you guys,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: or have been shared a lot on socials and reshared
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: on stories, so we thought, you know, we'd bring back
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: kind of the top favorites are the ones that resonated
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: the most with you guys. So I'm going on just
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: three well, the podcast is going on three weeks of
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: maternity leave. I am going on four months of maternity leave.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: But fear not, fret not, I have created an entire
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: back catalog. So after these three weeks of Encore episodes,
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  Speaker 1: you will be receiving your normal dose of a Monday
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: episode and a head Noise episode, and also some really
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: cool mini series scattered throughout up until the end of
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: the year, and then I will come back for regular
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: programming mid January after kind of the Christmas break. So
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  Speaker 1: without fucking around any further, enjoy the episode. The encore
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  Speaker 1: episode of today, Love you guys so much. Wet Jim
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  Speaker 1: to today's episode. So today's episode, I'm going to be
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: talking about burnout. Actually did a little votes on which
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: episode you wanted to come out first on my Instagram.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: If you want to be voting for all this shit,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: just follow me at Alexis Predez that's pie d Z
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: and then you can be in on all these polls
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: and votes. But basically I asked, do you want burnout? Lol?
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  Speaker 1: Do you want me to talk about burnout? Or would
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: you like me to talk about dealing with energy vampires?
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: And I am going to be talking about dealing with
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: energy vampires in an episode coming up, but the requested
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: one was burnout. So today I'm going to be doing
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: a brain Fact, which we're talking about the effects of
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  Speaker 1: alcohol on your sleep and in particular your rem sleep.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: There's a full episode that I want to do on
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  Speaker 1: this topic in the new year. There's so much that
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  Speaker 1: I can talk about on this topic, but I just
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  Speaker 1: thought i'd summarize it for you know, the brain Fact
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  Speaker 1: of today. Then we're going into the body of the episode,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: and then we're going to go into a listener question
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  Speaker 1: where I've got some hard hitting kind of advice to
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: give this bean because I yeah, anyway, just stay tuned
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: for that one. I'm not even going to get into
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  Speaker 1: it now because I just get worked up. Okay, so
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  Speaker 1: let's begin with the brain fact of today. Okay, So
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  Speaker 1: the brain fact of today is all about why alcohol
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  Speaker 1: impacts your quality of sleep. There's this guy called Professor
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  Speaker 1: Matt Walker. He's actually brilliant, so go check him out.
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  Speaker 1: I believe he has a podcast, but even if you
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: just look him up on YouTube, he's this nearest is
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  Speaker 1: to focus heavily, focuses heavily on sleep, and he does
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  Speaker 1: a lot of brilliant research, like I think he's published
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  Speaker 1: over one hundred papers. Is absolutely amazing. Anyway, but I
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  Speaker 1: was reading up on a lot of the stuff that
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  Speaker 1: he talks about. I was watching a lot of his videos,
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  Speaker 1: and I thought, this is just a great brain fact
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  Speaker 1: to do. So basically, alcohol is something that impacts your
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  Speaker 1: sleep negatively, and I think it's important to talk about
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  Speaker 1: it so you have a better understanding because a lot
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  Speaker 1: of people think that they have a load to moderate
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: intake of alcohol, but it's still consuming one to two
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  Speaker 1: drinks an evening or five out of seven evenings and
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  Speaker 1: that actually has an effect on your sleep and how
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: you sleep, has an effect on your performance and your
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: mood the following day, and basically every day that you're
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: drinking before you're going to sleep, and therefore has an
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  Speaker 1: impact on your overall quality of life. So I think
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  Speaker 1: it's really really important to understand what it is that's
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  Speaker 1: going on in the brain so you can better decide
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  Speaker 1: if you're going to be drinking at night time before bed,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, maybe just choose to be a bit
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  Speaker 1: more selective on the times that you drink. Because I'm
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  Speaker 1: all about balance in your life. I'm not saying never drink,
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  Speaker 1: because yeah, there's many things you could do in your
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  Speaker 1: life that will get you at like peak optimum health.
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  Speaker 1: But we also want to strike a balance with things
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  Speaker 1: that we also enjoy doing. But let's talk about the
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  Speaker 1: effects of alcohol on sleep on the brain. So the
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  Speaker 1: first thing is that alcohol is a sedative. Okay, being
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  Speaker 1: sedated and being asleep are two completely different things. When
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  Speaker 1: you are sedated, your brain does not go through the
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  Speaker 1: normal sleep cycles and the normal functions that occur in
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  Speaker 1: sleep versus when you fall asleep naturally, Okay, and when
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  Speaker 1: you like kind of you know, have that wave of
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  Speaker 1: melotone and that helps you fall asleep, and then the
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  Speaker 1: dip in cortisol, and then of course you've got these
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  Speaker 1: like different cycles of your blood sugar and all of that.
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  Speaker 1: All of this stuff is happening when you're naturally falling asleep.
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  Speaker 1: When you are sedated, that is a drug that is
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  Speaker 1: causing you to basically lose consciousiness at a certain degree
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  Speaker 1: and knocks you out basically. And alcohol is a sedative
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  Speaker 1: because it is a depressant, So it is something that
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  Speaker 1: depresses the central nervous system, which is basically just something
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  Speaker 1: that is going to increase inhibition. So you've got excitatory
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  Speaker 1: neurotransmitters and you've got inhibitory neurotransmitters, and depressant is something
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  Speaker 1: that is going to increase inhibition. That's you know, less
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  Speaker 1: activity in many brain regions. In particular, when we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about excitation and we're talking about alcohol and sedatives like that,
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  Speaker 1: you're looking at a lot of inhibition in the cortical
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  Speaker 1: regions of the brain, the cortex that's the outer kind
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: of surface of the brain, but of course in other
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  Speaker 1: areas of the brain as well. So also I've spoken
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  Speaker 1: about this before, but just to be very clear, when
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  Speaker 1: you refer to a drug or a substance as a depressant,
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  Speaker 1: it's not because it causes depression, or it's not because
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  Speaker 1: it makes you sad. It is because it is depressing
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  Speaker 1: the central nervous system. There's a lot of people that
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  Speaker 1: don't get sad drinking alcohol. Some people do, some people don't.
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  Speaker 1: It's got nothing to do with giving you sad thoughts
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  Speaker 1: and making you feel sad. Okay, anyway, So, because alcohol
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  Speaker 1: is a sedative, it's like a sleep aid, and many
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  Speaker 1: people kind of resort to alcohol to help them fall asleep,
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  Speaker 1: even if it's just one drink, because you do, you
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  Speaker 1: feel relaxed, because you've increased inhibition, You feel like you
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  Speaker 1: can kn't easily drift off this kind of tension. This
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  Speaker 1: stress is probably going to subside momentarily or temporarily, and
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  Speaker 1: that's what kind of helps you. Kind of you loosen
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  Speaker 1: up and basically become sedated. And then in this sedated state,
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  Speaker 1: it helps you fall asleep. But the issue is that
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  Speaker 1: even though you're dropping into this sleep state or this
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  Speaker 1: sedated state, it's actually affecting more so the problems are
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  Speaker 1: in the actual entire sleep cycle that you experience throughout
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  Speaker 1: the whole night. So the main thing that occurs when
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  Speaker 1: you drink alcohol, and even this is studies have shown
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  Speaker 1: that this occurs even when you have one or two drinks,
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  Speaker 1: is that it breaks your sleep up in an unnatural way.
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  Speaker 1: So it makes you wake up throughout the night. And
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  Speaker 1: sometimes you're aware that you have worken up throughout the night,
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  Speaker 1: and other times you're not aware that you've worken up
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  Speaker 1: throughout the night because it's just these minor, little, you know,
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  Speaker 1: disturbances within your sleep, but it's pulling you out of
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  Speaker 1: your sleep cycles. Okay, so as far as these proper
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  Speaker 1: sleep cycles, when you're going into like REM sleep and
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  Speaker 1: a deep sleep and then a light sleep, it's kind
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  Speaker 1: of fragmenting these cycles and because of that, you're not
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  Speaker 1: getting enough or you're not getting proper amounts of time
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  Speaker 1: in this restorative phase of sleep or in REM sleep
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  Speaker 1: in particular, and REM stands for rapidi movement. It's a
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  Speaker 1: stage of your sleep cycle where obviously your eyes are
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  Speaker 1: moving around quickly, but there's a lot of things that
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  Speaker 1: are going on within the brain, which is a very restorative,
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  Speaker 1: refreshing phase of your sleep, which is crucial for you
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  Speaker 1: to be able to operate at your like optimum, optimal
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  Speaker 1: level when you're awake. And then for a lot of people,
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  Speaker 1: we realize that when we've been drinking, even if it's
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  Speaker 1: just a few drinks, you might wake up feeling like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: I didn't really get a decent sleep. I didn't feel
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  Speaker 1: like I know. You don't bounce out of bed. You
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  Speaker 1: definitely need an alarm to get you up. You feel
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  Speaker 1: like you could sleep more, You feel a little bit groggy.
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  Speaker 1: That's all because your actual sleep has been broken up
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  Speaker 1: at it inappropriate times. Okay. And if you have a
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  Speaker 1: lack of quality sleep, because a lot of people bang
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  Speaker 1: on about quantity sleep, and I think it's important that
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  Speaker 1: you dedicate X amount of hours to be asleep, but
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  Speaker 1: then you need to really be focusing on the quality
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  Speaker 1: of that sleep because it's no good being knocked out
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  Speaker 1: by some sedative for eight hours and they're waking up
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  Speaker 1: and doing that every single night. That's not quality sleep
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  Speaker 1: and that does not equal health. Okay, So we're looking
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  Speaker 1: at yes, you want a good enough amount of time
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  Speaker 1: to be getting the quality sleep, but your focus is
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  Speaker 1: on quality more than anything else. Okay, And if you
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  Speaker 1: have a lack of quality sleep. These are the symptoms.
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  Speaker 1: You are easily stressed, you are more irritable, you are
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  Speaker 1: more emotional, so you're less likely to be able to
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  Speaker 1: intercept these emotional thoughts with logic, and therefore you become
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  Speaker 1: more reactive, So you become very emotional, very stressed, reactive,
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  Speaker 1: upset easily, you get annoyed easily, Your threshold for what
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  Speaker 1: you would normally put up with gets reduced. And if
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  Speaker 1: you're someone who has alcohol, even just a couple of
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  Speaker 1: nights a week, like let's say four nights, three nights
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  Speaker 1: a week, and even if you're just having one or
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  Speaker 1: two drinks, then you're likely not getting quality sleep. And
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  Speaker 1: that is then going to impact you the following morning
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  Speaker 1: or the following day, Okay, we're talking about it impacts
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  Speaker 1: you emotionally, your focus, your memory, your stress levels, you're overwhelmed.
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  Speaker 1: And this is something where you can basically you just
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  Speaker 1: know it. You know how you feel the next morning.
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  Speaker 1: You're not bouncing out of bed, You're like hitting snooze,
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  Speaker 1: hitting snooz, hitting snooze and dragging you up. I have
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  Speaker 1: a lot of people that say to me, you know,
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  Speaker 1: I really struggle to get out of bed in the morning,
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  Speaker 1: I really struggle to get up. I just can't get
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  Speaker 1: up earlier. I can't get up earlier. And I can
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  Speaker 1: guarantee you that a lot of those people that are
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: writing to me and saying that, I can guarante not all,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: I'm sure, but a lot of people do have alcohol
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  Speaker 1: one drink, two drinks before bed and that is impacting
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  Speaker 1: their ability to get up early. And why it's because
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: your brain has not rested. It needs more rest. That's
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  Speaker 1: why it's happening. So basically, when you're in rent sleep,
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  Speaker 1: which is what alcohol kind of breaks up and ruins
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  Speaker 1: in your sleep cycle. When you're in your rent sleep,
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  Speaker 1: this is where your hormones get kind of recharged. You know,
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  Speaker 1: they might get depleted during the day and then there's
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: this kind of recharge phase that they go through when
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: you're asleep, as well as a lot of other things
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: you're getting, you know, cerebral spinal fluid flushing through your
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: brain and kind of doing like maintenance work or clean
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: out if you like to think of it that way
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: of your brain. But the hormones that get recharged in
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  Speaker 1: your sleep, It's found that just a few glasses of
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  Speaker 1: alcohol will reduce how these hormones get replenngshed in your sleep.
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  Speaker 1: And a really key one that's been studied is growth
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  Speaker 1: hormone human growth hormone. So in some cases it's been
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  Speaker 1: seen that it can reduce the replenishment of this human
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  Speaker 1: growth hormone in some cases but up to fifty percent.
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  Speaker 1: And this is a hormone that's responsible for repair, muscle
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: repair and building of muscle. So you can imagine how
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: much that would impact you on a physical level. So
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: if you're someone that obviously uses, I mean everyone should
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  Speaker 1: worry about this or care about this. But if you're
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: someone that's using your body a lot, if you're someone
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  Speaker 1: that's quite physical, that likes to exercise, that wants to
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  Speaker 1: get fitter, that wants to get stronger, then sleep is
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  Speaker 1: gold for you. Quality sleep is gold because that's where
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: you recover, that's where you rebuild, so you're able to
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: go out there and then continue to train harder and
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  Speaker 1: more effectively. And because alcohol impacts the rem cycle of
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: your sleep as well as your deep sleep, you're just
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  Speaker 1: not getting this proper hormonal replenishment. Okay. And the problem
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: is that when you start relying on alcohol to fall asleep,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: you create kind of a bad habit in the brain,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: and it becomes harder and harder to fall asleep without
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: something like a sedative like an alcohol or you know,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: some people will take you know, benzos to fall asleep
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: and things like that, like these these central nervous system depressants,
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: and then you're making it really hard for your brain
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: to then return back to its natural way of letting
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: you fall asleep, you know, with that, you know that
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: natural wave of tiredness that comes over, and then you
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: take yourself to bed and then you drift off into
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: a sleep. A lot of people are not used to
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: falling asleep naturally, so they're trying to either exhaust themselves
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: until they're just collapsing, or they're taking some sort of
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: a sedative. It also increases insomnia. So while alcohol will
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: help you fall asleep, it's going to increase the rates
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: of insomnia and you're waking up throughout the night, and
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: then for certain cases, it's going to be really difficult
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: to fall back asleep at night. And then it also
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: increases the chances of sleep APNA and sleep APNA where
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: you're you know, you're stopping breathing throughout the night. Sometimes
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: For some people it also increases their snoring as well.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: And of course, if you've got sleep up now, that's
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: going to be affecting your memory, your mood, your photos,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: your attention, all of that because you're not getting quality
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: of sleep, you're not getting oxygen adequate amounts of oxygen
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: to the brain when you're asleep. And then of course
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: people who drink heavily before bed will also struggle to
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: sleep because the liver is doing so much work at
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: this time, and that causes people to wake up. It's
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: kind of fucking around with your blood alcohol levels and
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: your your glucose levels. These levels are just out of wax,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: so it's causing you to like wake up, go back
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: to sleep, wake up, go back to sleep. So you
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: should be having around four to five cycles off from
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  Speaker 1: light sleep, rem and deep sleep four to five cycles
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: in your whole night. And if you're not getting that,
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: you're probably going to be feeling kind of tie lethargic, moody,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: emotional the next day. So that is my little hot
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: tip on alcohol and its effects on rem and sleep.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: If you're someone that is struggling with your sleep and
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: you're really working on cleaning up your sleep hygiene. Maybe
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: try to limit the nights that you are drinking. And
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: if you are going to drink, maybe try, you know instead,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: say you're someone that likes to drink on weekends, maybe
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: try to have some drinks at lunch instead of drinks
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: at dinner and see if that changes. And if you're
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: going to get wasted, it doesn't matter if it's lunch or dinner,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: it's going to be affecting you. But if you're just
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: having one or two drinks, then try and do Oh,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: let's go for a nice lunch instead. I can have
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: those drinks and then not drink for hours and hours
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: and hours before I go to sleep, and see if
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: that changes. But you are definitely going to notice a
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: difference if you're someone who has insomni are cut out
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: alcohol altogether for weeks and see how that affects your sleep,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: and it should positively impact your sleep quality. Since since
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: we are getting straight into the podcast topic of today
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: and we are talking about burnout, So firstly, what is
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: burn out? Burnout is mainly referred to in a work
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: sense in a work environment, because most cases of burnout
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: are you know, it's people reporting or talking about a
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: lot of stress related to their work. So that is
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: definitely the case for a lot of for most people
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: with burnout, I would imagine, But burnout is not exclusive
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: to your work. It can happen in many other areas
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: of your life and it is all work related. But
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: you've got to look at what, like, what do you
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: deem work to be. There's a lot of unpaid work
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: that people do. You know, you could be, you know,
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: overwhelmed with the amount of you know, you're doing all
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: the house work, the all you know, the parenting, or
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: you could have someone you could be someone with a
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: sick parent and you are their full time career and
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: that is a huge workload. But it's not a paid job.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: But it's to work, Okay, So it ultimately does come
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: down to work. But keep in mind that work encompasses
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: a lot more than what people initially might think of. Okay,
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: So technically out is described as a state of complete mental, physical,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: and emotional exhaustion. So where you constantly feel swamped. It's
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: difficult to engage in activities that you normally would find
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: entertaining or you normally would find meaningful. You don't care
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: as much about the things that are important to you.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: You're feeling hopeless, you have a short temper. You also
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: don't dedicate time to things outside of this work that
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I'm referring to, whether it be your job or whether
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: it be you as you know at home or as
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: a care you don't dedicate time to things outside of
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: that because this thing is consuming all of your energy.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: You're kind of feeling like you're drowning and shit to do,
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: and you also have difficulty sleeping. Okay. Now this is
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: currently not in the DSM five, but it is reported
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: alongside a whole lot of other things like stress and
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: things like that. Now it happens due to ongoing, prolonged
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: and excessive emotional, physical, and mental stress. Okay, Now let's
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: talk about the difference between stress and burnout, because they
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: are related. Burnout is not completely separate from chronic stress,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: but instead you want to look at it as the
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: far end of the spectrum of chronic stress. Okay, So
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: at the very end of chronic stress, when you've been
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: under chronic stress repeatedly again and again and again and overwhelm. Okay,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: then you're going to have these symptoms of burnout. But
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: stress can exist on its own without you being burnt
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: out and that's where you know, you could be highly stressed,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: but you still want to engage in activities outside of it.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: It's you know, some people have a very highly stressful life,
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: but it doesn't cut out their enthusiasm for other areas
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: of their life, and it doesn't cut out their willingness
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: to do things, and it doesn't necessarily make them feel
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: hopeless and things like that. So that's where it differs.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: But you kind of want to look at burnout as
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: being a form of stress, but it's the extreme end
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: of stress where you are just you've completely depleted yourself
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: and then you're feeling all these symptoms that I just mentioned. Okay,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: but I wouldn't say that they're separate things because they're
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: certainly not. Also, is burnout depression and is it linked?
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Burnout can cause a depressive episode, but depression does not
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: cause burnout. Okay, So they can be associated, but depression
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: isn't causing the burnout, although some people may have burnout
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: and depression. Okay. So now that we understand what burnout
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: is and if if someone, I think a lot of
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: us would have experienced burnout in some way, shape or form,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: and it's very it's a different experience for a lot
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: of people. So for some people, it's you know, very
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: specific to one big thing that was happening in their
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: life where they were overwhelmed with a lot of stress.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe work was just really really full on at that time,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: maybe they just weren't things weren't going well for them,
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: they were chasing their tail, they were really like inundated
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: with a lot of work. And then after a few
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: months it eased up, and then of course their burnout
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: also went away because they found balance again in their life.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: And then there's people who you know, seem to live
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: a life where it's just constant and they're always in
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: this state of burnout for a very very long time.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: And normally, if you're in a state of burn out
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: for a very long time, you're likely to have more
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: physical symptoms, symptoms and possibly health issues as well if
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: it's for a very very prolonged period of time. But
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: now that we understand burnout, I think most of us
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: can be like, oh, yeah, I've experienced that at some
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: point in my life, or I know someone who definitely
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: has experienced it, or my partner's currently going through that
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: or whatever. Like it's it's something that I think most
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: of us could relate to directly or indirectly. So now
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I want you to there's a few steps that I
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: want to go through for how to deal with with burnout.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: The first one is identified. So I've given you all
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: the symptoms of what it looks like, what could cause it.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: Just take a moment, and if you think that you
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: are experiencing burnout, ask yourself those questions and really like
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: work through those questions and see does this resonate with me?
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Do I'm like, yes, that's me. That's exactly how I'm
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: feeling right now. So the first one is to identify.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: The second thing that I want you to do. I've
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: got eight points here, okay, so good terms. The second
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: thing that I want you to do is to write
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: down everything right now in your life that you believe
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: that you are responsible for. This could be work tasks,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: especially if you believe your burnout is work related. Get
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: specific on what all these tasks are. Don't just write
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: work right, I've got it. I'm supposed to be in
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: charge of this. I'm managing this. I'm supposed to be
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: doing this on a weekly basis. I'm supposed to be
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: submitting this, like, write it all down work, home tasks,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: life admin tasks, your finances. A lot of financial stress
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: could create more of a burden, which then increases your
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: burnout in another area. So your finances and the other
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: responsibilities that you have that you feel like you that
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: are weighing you down and making you feel this way.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: I want you to write it all down, ideally on
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: like a big sheet of paper, so it's all in
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: front of you and it's clear, almost like a big chart.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Better than a list. I think it's better than doing
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: a list because you're able to kind of look at
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: it all. And the reason I said to write it
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: down is because when it's all in your head, you'll
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: be focusing on one thing and forgetting something else. Then
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: you focus on another thing, you forget about the other thing.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: You want to lay it all down, get it off
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: your head and onto paper, or out of your head
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: and onto paper, and then we've got something to work
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: with here it's in front of us. Then the next
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: thing that I want you to do Step three is
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: to find areas where you can surrender some level of control.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: You don't have to completely get rid of certain things.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: That's later in the list of things to do, but
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: there's certain things where you can surrender some control, like
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: offloading certain responsibilities, like you can still be a part
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: of a task, but giving part of those responsibilities to
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: somebody else. And a prime example of this, I was
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: talking to a friend of mine who is a mother,
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: and she was saying that this is months ago, and
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: she was saying that she was feeling quite burnt out,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: and she was had young kids, a baby and a
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: kid like a toddler, probably was stay at home, took
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: care of the home. And she said that even when
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: her husband was home parenting, looking after the kids, she
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: still felt that she couldn't relax because she was so
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: used to being at home and taking care of the kids.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Every time her husband would be caring for the kids,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: she'd be telling him what to do. She'd and she
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: was like, he's not even asking for my advice. He's
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: doing his own thing. He's fine, but I'm there telling him, no,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: if you do it this way, it's quick. Oh, you're
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: taking too long doing it that way. And then she realized,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: she's like, wait a minute, he's gonna get it done.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: The kids are fine, Like, it's just not getting it
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: done my way, just because I've got a better way
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: or a faster way of doing it. I need to
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: relinquish some of this control. So then she started every
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: time she you know, if the husband was at home
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: and he was with the kids, she'd be like, I'm
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: just gonna leave the house now, because if I'm in
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: the house, I'm trying to control something that I don't
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: need to be controlling like that he's got it under control.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: I'm causing more stress on myself than necessary. So she
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: would then leave the house, and she started doing that
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: more and more and more until it got to a
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: point where she's like, I'm not thinking about it anymore.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: I know they've got it under control. And then she
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: was able to then be at home around watching him
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: parent different to how she would do things differently if
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: it's you know, not the way she would want to
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: do it. But then feel like, I don't have to
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: control this situation. They're fine. I just am stressing because
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm a bit of a perfectionist and
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: I need to have everything under my kind of control.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: So that's an example of a way that you can
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: kind of release control just because someone's not doing it
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: the way you're doing it. Is there something that you
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: can offload to someone else and be like, I'm okay
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: with you doing it differently to how I would do it,
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: but please just do some of this, okay, and I
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: promise to not control you when you do it. Is
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: it help with your children? Is it help with your
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: job at work? Is there something? I've got a good
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: friend of mine and she's always under so much stress
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: at work, and it gives me just just hearing her
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: talk about it makes me feel like, oh stress that
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: I can't even help. And I always say to her,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you need to speak to your boss and
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: say I'm good at these things, and I'm sending good
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: at these things. Where do you want me? Because I
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: can't do it all? You know, like you've got to
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: speak to your strengths and tell your managers like I
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: do very well here, and I can make some changes
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: in this business here, But if you're spreading too thin,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: I can't shine and I can't make the improvements that
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: you want to see in this area. So you know,
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: it's it's it's one or the other. But I can't
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: be brilliant here and also do all these other tasks.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: It's okay to say to your employer I cannot do
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: the workload that you are asking me to do. It
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: does not mean that you're a failure, and it does
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: not mean that you're not good at your job. If anything,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: I would respect someone coming to me saying, look, it's
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: just too much. However, I'm brilliant at this. I know
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I can perform on this. Let me focus on this,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: you know, give me a chance to make this my
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: baby and relinquish all these other responsibilities and watch how
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: I can really make a difference here. Okay, So that's
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: another example. Is there? You know, are there friends? You
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: know people, as a friend, I want to help, and
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: sometimes friends don't even know that help is needed because
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: you're not asking for it. A lot of people feel
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: that they just can't ask for help. But if a
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: friend reached out to me and say, hey, could you possibly,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: like twice a month, maybe do this thing for me
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: because I'm really stressed, Like could you walk my dog
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: twice a month because I'm just I would want to
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: do that, you know, because I'd want to help my friend.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: So maybe you could just ask your friend to do
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: something once a month, once a fortnight. And you know,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: a lot of the time your friends are willing to
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: help you siblings, Like, where can you surrender control on
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: certain things? Look at that chart and you've got to
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: start curling color color colin culing. You can't. It's not
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: to say that you can't be involved in certain things,
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: but you need to not be in charge of everything
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: because that is how burnout happens. The next thing that
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I want you to do Step four is cut back
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: on commitments. So nothing is more important than your mental health.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: Nothing is more important than your mental health. Because without
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: your mental health, what do you have? What can you experience?
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: If you don't have your health mentally, what is there
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: to experience other than intense amounts of turmoil and suffering. Okay,
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: so that has to be your priority. And then when
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: that big comes your priority, everything else works out. Your
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: health physically, your relationships, your productivity, your sleep, everything starts
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: to get better when you prioritize your mental health. Okay,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: So when I say cut back on commitments, I think
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: a lot of people. You know, it's this hustle culture.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: You've you know, you've sucking. Oh, you know, you've got
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: to get it done. You've got to you know, if
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: something meant that I could have mental health good mental health, healthy,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: you know whatever. But it meant my goals would be
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: pushed back and will take twice as long to achieve.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: I would do that. I would make that sacrifice. I
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: would sacrifice, I would sacrifice almost anything for me to
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: have good mental health. And you need to take on
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: that kind of belief system because that determines the quality
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: of your life and how much time you invest in
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: yourself to make yourself start to feel better and more balanced.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: So if you've got some goals that you're setting, especially
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: work goals, it's not to say don't have those goals
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: if you're feeling burnt out, but it's saying, why don't
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I grab this goal? Look at the goalpost and the
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: timeline that I've set, and I'm going to stretch it
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: out now. So instead of expecting myself to do this
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: in six months time, I'm now going to give myself
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: a year to do it. Or I'm going to make
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: sure I'm only going to expect eighty percent for the
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: time being of what I was expecting from myself and
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: see if I can strike a balance, or maybe I
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: need to bring it down to sixty percent and see
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: how I'm feeling and see if I can strike a balance.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: And when you strike that balance, when you get to
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: a point where you bring it down, bring it down,
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: bring it down, but start to feel more free, more relaxed,
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: more peace in the mind, more just like you can think,
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: you can start getting excited about things. You can start
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: feeling involved in things again. That's the sweet spot. And
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: then you can tinker with that. Then you can play
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: around with it, and then you're like, Okay, now I've
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: got the balance. I'm going to rest here for a bit.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: I'm going to recover for a bit. Now I feel
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: like I'm motivated again to do things. So now I'm
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: going to just up it a little bit, gauge it.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Don't go nuts, just up at a bit. How am
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: I going? Yeah, I'm going all right, because I've taken
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: the rest of good. I can deal with that now, Okay,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: can up at a bit more? Yep, good. And then
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: you start to gauge what your optimal workload is. And
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: when you find that, you stay there okay, because you
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: get better at things. Challenges come your way, you knock
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: it out. Challenges come your way, you knock it out.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: You know, you accomplish things, and you're always progressing in
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: your life, but you don't have to be at one
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: hundred percent capacity with your workload twenty four seven. That
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: equals burnout. Okay, So prioritize your mental health and cut
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: back on your commitments. Start saying no to a few things,
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: start only taking the jobs that you're like, Yep, that's
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: what really resonates with me, and I'm going to be
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: doing that. Cut back, cut back, cut back, Okay, And
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: like I said, only then, only at the point where
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: you find that balance where you start to note, because
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: you will notice when you start relinquishing control on certain
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: things and when you start cutting back on commitments, you
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: will one hundred percent get to a point where you'll
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: start to find your peace of mind again. You'll start
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: to be like, oh, I'm not waking up in this
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: like anguish. I'm not waking up feeling absolutely hopeless. I
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: now have you know, I have excitement. Now, I'm feeling
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: like I'm capable again. I'm feeling like I could start
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: doing new things again. That's when you know you things
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: are evening out and you're finding your balance again. The
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: next thing is number five, understand where is it that
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: I can get help? Like I said, before asking people
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: as well, if you can afford it, which is not
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: the case for a lot of people. I totally understand this,
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: But if you can afford it, maybe you can, you know,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: look for places where you can offload some of the
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: work to somebody else and bring in help financially. But
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: for the most part, for a lot of people who
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: can't afford to be employing someone to help them or
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: to pay someone, not necessarily employing, but to pay someone
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: to do something, then we're looking at where can I
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: get help to do a certain thing. Okay, there's many
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: places that you can get help, and a lot of
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: this help that I'm referring to could just come down
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: to how can I even out the workload within my
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: own household? And it's not to say that you're asking
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: your partner to just take on more of your work
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: and you do less, but maybe you could swap things around.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: And another thing about getting help, sometimes you could not
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: necessarily say, like let's say you and your partner or
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: your housemates share the same amount of work in the household,
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: you might say, hey, can we try swapping these tasks?
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: For example, I'm finding this really overwhelming. Can I try
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: doing something else? Coming up, you know, like you need
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: to play around with it and say where can I
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: get more help? Like I mentioned before with the friends,
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: with family, with your employer, there's always places that you
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: can be asking for some level of help. And also
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: advice is also a good place to start. So obviously
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: this podcast here, but also there's conversation groups. There's heaps
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: of groups that of people that you can be talking
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: to online. There's our support out there if you just
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: start to look on people that you can connect with
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: who make you feel emotionally supported as well, but start
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: to look for it. So it's not as far as
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: getting help. It doesn't always have to be solved financially.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: It can be solved with you know, people pulling their weight,
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: changing your jobs around or your responsibilities around in the household,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: and finding that balance that works for you. Number six,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: when you feeling overwhelmed, you need to spend time. You
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: need to allow for silence at some point in your
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: day every single day. Now, you could call this meditation,
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: and that's great, but I'm talking it's more than great.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: It's crucial. Meditation is crucial, But more so what I'm
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: talking about right now is when are you ever just
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: you in silence? Do you ever drive without any sound,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: just being just being? Our brains were not designed to
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: be bombarded twenty four seven, but it's kind of where
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: we've gotten it to this point. So now I think
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: it's important that knowing what you know, with what I've
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: spoken about about the brain, we need to find that
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: healthy balance with what you are feeding into your brain.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: Just like we understand that feeding good food to the
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: body is going to have a very positive impact on
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: how your body performs. It's the same as what you're
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: feeding your consciousness all the time, or even your subconscious
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: So if you are burnt out, I mean everyone, but
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: if you are burnt out, try and have moments within
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: the day where there's just silence and peace. Okay, even
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: if it's like five minutes here, five minutes there. I've
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: got to walk to the supermarket, which is three blocks.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: Can I do it with nothing? Can I just walk
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: for five minutes or ten minutes with no stimulation? Can
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: I hopefully? Yes? Can I go to sleep without anything
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: that's stimulating me? Now, a lot of people the answer
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: is absolutely not, because I've got too much stressing me.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: I need to distract myself to fall asleep, understandable, but
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: that's an option. Can I maybe not? Can I wake
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: up and just be in silence for five minutes before I,
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: you know, interact with my family or my partner or whatever.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: Where can you I know people that will drive home
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: and just sit in their car with nothing, because that
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: is like the time where they have no nothing that's
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: pulling them anywhere. I've got one of my friends posted
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: on Instagram recently that you know, she's got two kids.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: She goes to the gym early in the morning, and
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: she'll go like ten minutes early. It'll be like five
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: twenty am, and she's there sitting in the car park like,
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: oh and if it's her ten minutes to do nothing
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: and just sit in silence. No music, no podcast, other
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: litt nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, just silence. That is so
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: healthy for you to do that. It is so healthy
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: to allow these moments of peace and silence. You don't
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: know the wonders that it does to your brain. It
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: allows your brain to start to calm down. It calms
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: down your nervous system. It's huge the impact and because
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: so many of us don't ever do it, we don't
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: realize the benefit of it. And when you start doing
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: it regularly, ideally daily, you will notice a difference, a
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: significant difference in how calm you are, how like how
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: much you can regulate your emotions a lot better. And then,
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: of course, if you could be doing that while meditating.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: And the difference of course with meditating is that you're
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: trying to not focus on things. Sitting there for ten
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: minutes in silence could still cause you to be like
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: ruminating and thinking about other things, but if you're just
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: sitting there and trying to focus on something unemotional, like
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: your breath, which then becomes a meditative state that you
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: get into because you're just every time your mind wonders,
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: you bring it back, you bring it back, you bring
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: it back. There's guided meditations as well, that obviously really
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: helps reduce those stress levels and helps your brain regions
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: communicate a lot better. There's just a whole cascade of
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: events that occurs there which is really beneficial. Okay, well
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: that was actually my point seven, which is about meditating.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: So when you meditate, there is I've got a whole
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: episode and it's about stress and the effects of stress
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: on the brain. I even released it as an encore
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: episode as well. So if you haven't checked that one out,
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent, go check it out because it would
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: teach you the kind of the biology of the brain
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: when it's under stress and how you can actually overcome
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: certain aspects of that. And it tells you what happens
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: when your brain is stressed. And it's quite scary, but
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: a lot, if not all, of these things can actually
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: be reversed through behaviors that you do, not just thinking
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: positive thoughts, but legitimate behaviors that you do. Meditation is
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: one of those things. And what I say in that
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: episode highly recommend you go check it out. But when
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: you meditate, you obviously are slipping into a calmer state.
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: But you're getting your prefrontal cortex and you well, the
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: limbic system, which is comprised of many different parts of
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: the brain, including you know, your emotional centers and things
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: like that. You're getting those two raids to the brain
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: to start communicating a lot better. When you're stressed, which
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: is the far end. When you're like well, burnt out,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: which is the far end of the stress spectrum, it's
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: really difficult for these brain regions to communicate. So what
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: would normally stress you out is now stressing you out
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: probably tenfold because you're finding it difficult to interse accept
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: your emotions with logical thoughts. Okay, so it becomes almost
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: a vicious cycle, this catch twenty two situation. Meditating is
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: one of the best ways to kind of put the
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: brakes on that cycle pause, and it allows you to
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: start to get those brain regions communicating. You can start
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: to intercept these highly emotional feelings and thoughts with logic.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: So that's where you can stop spiraling thoughts. That's when
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: you can stop catastrophizing. That's when you can stop fixating
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: and things like that through practices like meditation. So if
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: you don't already meditate, there's so many ways you can meditate. Obviously,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: silence and just doing it on your own is a
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: great one, but a lot of people struggle to do
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: that initially. You can get so many free meditations on YouTube.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: You just go to YouTube and google meditation ten minute whatever,
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: and there's thousands of free meditations. I have my own meditation.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: If you go to my website dyfm pod. I never
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: remember my web so at dyfmpod dot com and you
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: go to dyfm plus, it's fifteen bucks a month and
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: you get three ten minute meditations a week and two
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: PEP talks a week for fifteen dollars a month. So
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: there's resources everywhere for you to get it. Whether you
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: pay for it, whether you get it for free on YouTube,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: whether you do it yourself. Do it is all I
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: have to say. Okay, And then the last one, number
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: eight is you need to get quality sleep. When I
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: in that episode about stress that I talk about the
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: importance of sleep for your stress cannot be emphasized enough.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: When you sleep, you recover, and we're talking about emotional
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: recovery as well. When you sleep, you consolidate memory. A
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: lot of things that cause us to stress is our
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: inability to focus, our inability to retain information, which just
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: exacerbates our stress. So if you're in a situation where
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: you can really replenish your mind, your emotions, and your
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: body at night, then you're going to notice that your
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: mental health starts to improve every single day. Sleep quality,
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: the quality of your mornings is determined by the quality
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: of your evenings as well. So if you are somebody
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: who wakes up feeling really, really tired, you need to
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: pay attention to what do the last few hours of
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: bedtime look like? For you. Okay, you heard my brain
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: fact about alcohol. If you're someone who's overwhelmed, cut out
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: alcohol for a period of time, or do one day
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: a week of having a couple of drinks. Like I said,
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: you need to prioritize nothing's more important than your mental
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: health until you find balance in your life, until you
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: can bring it back to this homeostasis where you can
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: genuinely be back to your happy, motivated self, where you
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: want to be doing things where you you know have
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: the energy to do those things. Then you need to
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: be sacrificing certain things, and alcohol is going to be
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: one of those things. You also need to pay attention
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: to how stimulating the evening is. Eliminate any screens at
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: night the last hour, ideally the last two hours. This
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: is you know you should be doing it regardless, but
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: if you struggle to fall asleep, then one hundred percent
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: you want to be doing this. If you want to read,
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: a book is a phenomenal way to fall asleep. People
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: need to get back to paper up books. Just a
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: physical book. It's so great to help you fall asleep.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: You have a back lit thing. There's a light either
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: you know, a lamp or something so it's coming from
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: behind you, it's not coming up to your eyes. You're
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: looking at pages which are back lit, and that's a
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: really good way to start to wind down. And books
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: are phenomenal because they're distracting enough that if you're someone
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: who is highly stressed, it's an escape. You're not there
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: like ruminating, ruminating, ruminating. You're reading something that's interesting, it's intriguing,
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: and you're slowly kind of, you know, dropping into this
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: sleep state. Of course, an audiobook is great as well,
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: because you could have the lights off listen to a
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: quietly audiobook. Things like that. Okay, but your sleep quality
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: is absolutely crucial. If you sleep with somebody who snores,
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: one of you guys has to get out of that bed,
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: even if it's to a couch or to an inflatable mattress.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: I don't care. I don't value the concept of sleeping
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: next to your partner. People bang on about the idea
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: of oh my god, but your longevity. You live longer
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: when you sleep next to someone, not if they're fucking snoring.
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: I could tell you that for free. If you've got
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: shit sleep and you're sleeping next to someone who's snoring
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: twenty four seven. And then your sleep is shattered for
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life. You are absolutely not going
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: to live longer just because you're lying next to them,
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: and you're probably going to resent them too. So hugging
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: people oxytocin release physical touch absolutely does contribute to you
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: living a healthier, happier, longer life. There's a lot of
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: studies based around that. But you lying down next to
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: someone who's lying down honking and snoring all night long.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: That is not fucking good for your health. Okay it
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: is not. So if that is the case, you need
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: to do something about it. You just putting up with
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: someone snoring and ruining your quality of sleep is no
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: longer acceptable, So you need to find an alternative, you know,
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: like on the nights where you know, my partner occasionally snores,
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: and if he does, either I or him will go
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: to this little spare bed or the couch. Like I
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: would infinitely rather sleep on a couch the next to
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: somebody who's storing. No hate to my partner, I just
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: won't do it anymore because I just really understand the
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: difference between sleep quality and my mental health and happiness
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: the next day versus a shitty sleep. But I got
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: to stay sleep next to my partner. Not worth it,
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: not worth it. Okay, sleep sleep, sleep, sleep is key. Okay.
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: So those are my main points for overcoming burnout. Number one,
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: identify number two, Write everything down and look at all
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: of it. Be Become acquainted with every single thing that
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: is your responsibility or that you feel like you need
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: to take control over, including finances, including emotional, including work related,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: relationship related everything. Then I want you to surrender control
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: on certain things. I also want you to try and
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: cut back on commitments, ask for help, spend time in
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: total silence, start to meditate ideally daily, and focus on
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: your sleep quality as a major priority. Okay, that is
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: the episode for today. We are now going into the
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: listener question. You have one on hearing message. Now this
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: listener question, please, I think a lot of people will
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: get a lot out of this listener question because I've
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: had a few questions that throughout the last couple of
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: years of the podcasts that have been kind of similar
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: to this, and it's really, ugh, just grinds my gears,
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: so I need to like on your behalf. It grinds
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: my gears on your behalf, Like I feel your pain.
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: So I really just want to cover this story or question. Okay, Hi, Alexis,
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: I'm going to start by saying thank you for being
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: such an absolute rock in my life. Your podcast has
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: gotten me through some scary times, and I will always
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: sing your praises. Thank you. It's taking a lot to
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: share this right now, but I really feel like I'm
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: at rock bottom and you're the only person in the
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: world who right now whose opinion I can trust. I
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: cheated on the love of my life, and I don't
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: know where to go from here. To give some background,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: we were together for over six years and we loved
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: each other intensely. It's like we cannot breathe without each other.
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: Red flag. However, there's been some dark times. He has
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: some severe anger issues, which on multiple occasions caused him
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: to act in ways that I think are emotionally abusive.
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: In general, if you think something is emotionally abusive, especially
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: when it's got to do with anger issues, I can
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: you could probably safely say it is okay. He has
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: never physically harmed me, and I don't believe he ever
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: would have. That's another excuse that a lot of people
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: use when they are being emotionally abused. You're like oh, well,
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: green flag. He's never hit me. Not good enough. Emotional
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: abuse and physical abuse are just as bad as each other. Okay,
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: so that's not something to put in the good bucket. Okay,
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: but he has called me names. He's called me stupid
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: when I've been having a panic attack, and he's belittled
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: me for having dreams that don't line up with his. Okay,
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: that's all unacceptable. But anyway, I've always said when things
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: are good, they were beyond perfect, but where things were bad,
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: they were quite frankly, terrifying and hopeless. I'm literally stopping
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: with every statement because there's something I've to say with
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: every statement. I've mentioned so many times on my podcast
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: that when people say, oh, the highs are so high,
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: but the lows are so low, that is an indication
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: of a very unhealthy relationship. And it's your way of
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: justifying that you should be staying in this relationship knowing
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: that you are in an unhealthy dynamic. Okay, and you've
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: just said it is like a This is a key
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: thing that people who are an unhealthy slash abusive relationships.
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: It is one of the first things that they say.
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: And you've opened with that line. Okay, he's always said
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: he would get help and that it would never happen again,
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: But he refuses to see a therapist and is completely
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: against the idea of medication, so won't see a doctor
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: for fear of being prescribed something he's not willing to change.
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: That says it all because you can still see a
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: doctor and say I need a referral to someone who
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: can help me. He's refusing to see a therapist, So
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: a psychologist or a psychiatrist, someone who can offer therapy.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: Just because you don't want to be on medication does
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: not mean that you can't get help. So much can
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: be done without being medicated. So if he's saying he
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: says he always says he would get help and that
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: it will never happen again, but then refuses to see
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: a therapist, so he's a walking contradiction, is basically what
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: you're saying. Um, this guy's pissing me off anyway already.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: We've broken up several times over the years as a
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: result of sudden and extreme outbursts of his rage. But
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: despite it, we've always come back to each other and
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: been able to talk it through, and once we have,
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: it's like a dream. Do you know why it's a dream.
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: It's not a dream because the relationships so great. It's
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: a dream because the adrenaline and the intense stress that
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: you are under when times are bad, when it finally
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: gets good again, it is like this relief you're experiencing,
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: relief and euphoria that it's not as bad as what
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: it is. The healthiest relationships feel quite calm. Actually, it's
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: not this euphoric like odd, because there's nothing to fear
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: in a truly healthy relationship. These crazy like oh my god,
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: it's a dream. It's a dream. It's it doesn't happen
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: because you're both each other's equal. You both treat each
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: other with respect. And in the replacement of this like, ah,
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: is this knowing, calm, comfortable security? Okay if you've no
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: one point, have you mentioned the word security? You not?
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: You don't feel that with this man? Moving on? Once? Okay,
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: so you said we've been able to talk about and
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: once we have this like a dream. Now I recently
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: moved out of the country to follow my dream of
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: studying in Paris. Yes, yes, yes, I'm so proud of you.
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: I love that this is something we fought about again
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: and again because to him it was financially irresponsible, and
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: he couldn't understand why I wouldn't just study at home.
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: Of Course, it's not gonna understand. He's trying to control you.
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: Of course he doesn't understand. But I knew in my
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: heart that I needed to take the step for myself.
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: That is your instincts telling you fucking run, run, And
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: I'm glad you did. So. We were trying. So, we
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: were trying out long distance. We have always trusted each other, okay,
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: beyond belief. What do you mean by trust? Like? What
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: do you mean, because do you trust? I don't know, Like, okay,
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: trusting each other As far as infidelity, fine, maybe that's
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: what you're referring to. But someone who has rage outbursts
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't trust. I would find it very difficult to
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: trust someone with rage outbursts because when is it going
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: to happen, how can you predict it, and how they're
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: going to respond, how they're going to behave That's not
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: someone who I would feel very secure and trustworthy off.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: But anyway, moving on, we've always trusted each other beyond belief.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: We both have really strong opinions about cheating fair enough
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: and to us it's the worst thing imaginable that you
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: could do to someone you love. I think abuse is
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: actually the worst thing imaginable you could do to someone
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: you love, far more than infidelity, Far more than infidelity.
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: I'm not an advocate of infidelity. I think it's awful.
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: I personally have been on the receiving end of infidelity
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: numerous and it's been horrible every time. However, worse than
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: infidelity is abuse by far Okay, because well, I'll touch
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: on that later. I honestly, to this day, cannot fathom
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: how I could have done it. I can. I met
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: someone and we became friends very quickly. I never felt
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: anything close to a romantic or sexual attraction to him.
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: But one night we were drinking and he made a
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: move and I just kind of went with it. I
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: knew it was wrong. I felt disgusting. We were together
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: for maybe a minute before it stopped, but I finally
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: came to my senses. I wanted to die. I couldn't
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: live with myself for this. I told my boyfriend the
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: next day. As you'd imagine, it wasn't pretty. Of course,
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: I understood he would be furious, would probably hate me,
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: and I felt deserving of that hate. I never asked
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: for forgiveness, and I knew there wasn't anything I could
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: say to make it okay. It just wasn't okay. I
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: started receiving some very scary phone calls and texts from him,
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: constantly threatening to come over here and kill all the
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: guy I cheated on him with that like, kn't the
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: guy's done nothing to you? But anyway, He threatened to
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: destroy my life and tell everyone I knew what has happened, babe. Honestly,
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: if I was dating someone who was that angry and
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: that rage filled and threatening me like that, I genuinely
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: would rather people know that I cheated than deal with that.
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: I'd say, you know what, go public, mate, go public
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: and leave me alone. That's what I would do. Weeks
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: went by of this to a point where he eventually
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: told me he wanted me to die in a fire.
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: He sent the same text to my mum about me.
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: This obviously was horrible. It killed me and put me
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: in a deep depression, combined with the guilt of what
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: I had done to him. But I knew that he
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: was struggling and his alcohol abuse was driving him to
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: act out like this. He wanted to hurt me back.
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: I made him feel hopeless, so of course he would
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: want me to feel the same. It's funny how all
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: of a sudden you have to be accountable for what
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: you've done, but he takes zero accountability for the abuse
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: that he's you know, exposed you to for six years. Funny, hilarious. Okay,
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: Oh it's making me sick. I actually feel sick. I
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: need to like go and get it, like a cappuccina
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: or something. A couple of months have gone past now,
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: and we've spoken calmly and sober a few times, and
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: have both discussed our perspectives and apologized for the way
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: we have heard each other. Well, that's good. We understand
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: that if we were to repair anything, it would take
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: immense amounts of work on both parts. Yes, it absolutely would.
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: We are aware that our relationship wasn't as healthy as
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: we once thought good, and we are both projecting our
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: own pain and traumas onto each other. The amazing thing
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: to me is that even after all of this, we
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: still love each other so deeply and wouldn't would do
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: anything to be together again. Babe. Love is not enough, ever,
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: No matter what people say, love concoer or love does
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: not conquer or Love is not enough. You can love
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: someone and be absolutely the worst match in the world.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: You could love someone and they abuse you. Not enough.
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: You could love someone and there's no mutual respect. That's
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: not enough to equal a healthy relationship. Love is not enough.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: It's one facet and not even the biggest one. Unfortunately,
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about for like a healthy relationship. If you
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: want an unhealthy relationship, proceed. I believe that we could
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: both agree to start couple's therapy. Sorry, I believe that
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: if we could both agree to start couple's therapy, then
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: we could make steps towards being together again. However, my
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: mum and my best friend will never understand why would
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: want to do that. I agree. I get why they
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: don't understand. They adore you, they can see the pain
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: you're in, they can see what you've been subjected to.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: Of course, they're not going to understand. I've tried to
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: talk to them about it, and they just become angry
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: at the thought of me going back to someone who,
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: in their eyes, has hurt me for years. Of Course
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: they're going to feel that way. I feel that way.
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: I don't even know you, and I feel that way
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: for me, it feels like we're meant to be together.
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: You're not. We've heard each yes, but there's no one
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: I feel more connected to. Because you haven't given yourself
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: an opportunity to feel connected to someone else. That's why
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: there's no one you feel more connected to. And I
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: don't want to feel this connected to anyone else. That's
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: because you don't know better. But the moment you meet
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: someone who actually respects you, who actually legitimately has your
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: best interest at heart, then that will change. I love
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: him more than anything for now, and I know he
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: loves me the same. No he doesn't. I'm sorry. He's
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: disrespecting you, he's hurting you, he's projecting on you. Real love,
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: real love is wanting the best for someone even if
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: you can't have them. That's real love. It's Buddha even
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: put it where. To like something, to lust and to
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: love something is to see a flower and to pick it.
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: But to love it is to see it and leave
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: it so we can continue to blossom. Okay, this caun't,
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, just yeah, anyway, I love it more than anything,
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: and I know he loves me the same. He's willing
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: to work through everything with me. But he's not willing
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: to go to therapy. This is like a fraction of
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: the story, but I hope the gist of it is there.
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: I just really don't know where to go from here.
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: I feel like no one will understand and will only
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: be angry with me if I decide to get back
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: with him. I wonder why. I do have some fear
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: that we might end up in a bad place again,
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: that what I did would just be fuel for the
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: next fire. But I can't stop feeling how I feel
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: for him, and I don't want to live a life
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: without him. He is everything to me. Thank you so
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: much for reading all of this. If you do have
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: the time to respond, I would be eternally grateful. Firstly,
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate you sending me this story. I really
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: really do. But these are your two options. Don't get
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: back together with him, and give yourself the opportunity of truly,
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: truly healing, which will take time. It doesn't happen overnight.
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: You're getting over a heartbreak, You're getting over someone that
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: has been a very important person in your life for
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: a very long time. But you truly give yourself the
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: opportunity to be happy, truly happy, to live a life
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: on your terms, to experience things in your life that
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: you can experience, things that you wouldn't be able to
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: do being in this relationship or the other path. Oh
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: and then and then on top of that, potentially finding
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: and likely not just potentially, but likely finding a relationship
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: where there's true respect, true like real love, where there's
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: this calm sense of security. Okay, or staying with him
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: and nothing changing. Okay, this guy won't go to therapy.
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: You're already saying that you already fear that you're going
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: to end up in a bad place. What you did
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: will be fuel for the next five He's saying that
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: he wants you, He's said in the past that he
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: wants you dead. He's threatened you with all these things.
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: What makes you think he's changed, other than the fact
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: that you're not with him and he wants to be
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: back with you, What has actually changed. Nothing. He's not
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: going to therapy. He refuses because he has the excuse
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: of medication, when most of therapy is not about medication.
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: It's about behavioral intervention, thought interventions and things like that.
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: So basically, you've got leave now, suffer or yeah, be
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: in pain for some period of time and then recover
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: heel and have the potential to live a life beyond
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: what you could imagine for yourself right now, or stay
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: in this relationship and suffer indefinitely. They are your options,
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: and that is why your sister and your mother are
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: looking at you being like, no, don't fucking don't. They're
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: seeing what's happening, and you are seeing it too, because
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: if you knew, if you knew that he was the
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: right decision, you wouldn't have written into me. You know
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: that staying with him equals a life of suffering, okay,
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: because that's what it was the last six years. He's
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: given you a track record. You have a track record.
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: You've got a six year resume to go off, so
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: you can look at that and say, based on what
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: I know, I'm going to make a very very informed decision.
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: Or you can throw all that in the bin and
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: be like, but here might change. So they're your two options.
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: But I've been where you are. Apart from the kissing
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: someone else, I've been with someone very much like that.
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: I'm talking like almost to the tea, and it was
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: fucking terrifying, and I thought that I would die without him,
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: And I thought that he was the love of my life,
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: and then it all fell apart spectacularly in my face,
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: and in hindsight, it was that falling apart was the
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: best thing that ever happened to me. Had I stayed
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: in that relationship, I would have been a miserable shell
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: of a human being. I was already turning into a
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: shell of a human being. I can guarantee that your
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: mum and your sister probably see a different version of
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: you when you're with him than when you're not. It
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: is an abusive relationship. End of story. I'm not even
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: going to address the fact that you kiss someone else,
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: because it's no wonder. You're probably trying to escape, not
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: trying to excuse. But it's funny how all of this, Oh,
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: I want you to die in a fire, or I
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: want you to so I can abuse you, But you
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: go and kiss someone and now you're the one that
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: needs to die in a fire. There is no words.
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: There's no fucking words anyway. That is my advice to you.
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: I really am grateful that you wrote into me. I
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: hope some of this cuts through. You do have the
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: potential to have the best fucking life for yourself, but
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: only you can make that decision. Think long and hard
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: about it. Don't even think long about it, think short
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: and hard about it. Make a decision, all right, guys,
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. I love you guys
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: so much. If you do want to send in your questions,
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: you can do it via the website at dyfmpod dot
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: com or you can email me at info at dyfmpod
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: dot com. Love you guys so much, and as always,
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: becind to yourself, becondt to your brain. Don't text it
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself. Duga