Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / YOU'RE PROCESSING WRONG: Why Your Anger Isn't The Real Feeling | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep493

Transcript

YOU'RE PROCESSING WRONG: Why Your Anger Isn't The Real Feeling | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep493 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Stop processing thoughts and emotions.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: How to love without losing your identity.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: How people test your emotional availability.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go versus giving up.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: The marriage roommates trap.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Carrying the load.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: The emergency poop story.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Stop processing thoughts and emotions.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, I wonder what this is gonna be about.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And uh of course you can't stop, of course you you have you don't have to stop processing your thoughts and emotions.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: But God, because that's what I teach.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: But um the problem is how you're doing it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the very first thing I want to discuss is the amount of people that think they're processing their thoughts and feelings and are actually allowing so many other things into their mind.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: You you need to compartmentalize what you're feeling.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Start let's start with anger for a second here.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you're trying to figure out what you're really feeling, most guys think they're angry.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Most of you wives think your your husband's angry too.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, but there's other feelings that underlie though that anger, and they're more important to understand because now we can address real issues, and then we can from there, we just inherently don't feel as angry.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is gonna go both ways.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just this is the man that I work with, okay?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so speaking from experience, I've got some angry wives too, but oh yeah, but like I mean, I I've coached a couple years off the ledge wanting to quit because they've been doing so good in your program, but they're and now they get angry, they go other direction, yeah.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but uh that that's what's a good example, honey, because then if I'm on that call, um, like last week I was on a call for almost a whole second hour because there was a few women that didn't realize what they were actually feeling, and what what it wasn't the frustration, anger with their husbands, it was more about the work that they're doing that's right.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But what else could we be doing more?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one woman really wanted a boundary and wanted me to walk her through getting out.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And um, when I started doing the women's calls for the first time, I really uh I liked the way she was describing herself.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when you go deeper with the right questions, and I also got help from you and Dennis who knew more about her, there was so much more.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So since that's like eight weeks ago.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: So now it's like more and more and more of like she's getting more frustrated, but we keep challenging her to think differently.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are processing and supporting yourself into leaving, into the affair, into uh the shutdowns and the withdrawals.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, if you want what we have, do what we do.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my wife literally stopped doing that.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was one of the number one things, and she has to teach you.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's very difficult, obvious reasons, but I would tower over her screaming at her.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's like things like flipping her out of the bed when I felt like she wasn't listening.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I would say, I'm talking to a wall.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I would trash the house, all of these things.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when she stopped shutting down, the very I was just telling my physio about this today because she was asking some questions, and I was like, um, well, what Catherine did was she didn't shut down.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the very first thing is when she would reiterate a question back to me or something that I said and put a clarifying question with that, I would still be in anger mode, and I would still be like screaming the answer, and I would realize, oh, she did hear me.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I would actually say that to you sometimes.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you are listening.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you'd be like, Yeah, yeah, baby.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Again, soft, not fucking defensive, and yeah, fuck you.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: But like, this is one that's why I started.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I felt it.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Trust me, guys.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the things that but see what happened was Catherine started to pro what we're doing when we're angry and we're fighting like that.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine was processing what I was feeling with me.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: So that helping him process.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Correct.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because I had no idea.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So part one, you can't let all of your other thoughts over.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: You have to get to it, okay?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that means that if someone's angry, then you're gonna have to let them process and rein them in.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine, you described it maybe like uh don't jump on a crazy train.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're just driving it.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can see that you can look at the crazy train.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You can look at it, but there's you you can't get on it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: So now let's take that's like I think that's the most powerful thing that I teach.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: When people, when women can or men, but I teach mostly women, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: So when a woman can recognize that her husband is showing, you have to see the signs of the crazy train coming.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So that means you have to know your husband.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I could I can see my husband, and I've I've learned how to help you process from weeks away.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Before it starts to be so, before it gets anywhere anywhere near.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so if he didn't have me, no doubt he would probably still be getting on the crazy train.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I will recognize something because when you get dysregulated, guys, that's why it's called dysregulated.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like your brain changes and you're no longer in control.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the more aware you become, like my husband has become very aware, and so he's aware of some of these these feelings as well.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so he can also keep himself off the crazy train.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about him only because he's the more um explosive.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Volatile.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I get more excited, more.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I can I can lose it, guys.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: I can snap.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not perfect.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just not nearly as volatile.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Volatile is a really good way to put it.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not nearly as ex- Oh yeah, I can be as explosive.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not as volatile.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Takes more to get me there.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, anyway, um, so for I can see weeks away if he starts, for example, if he starts getting short with me, if I could tell he's frustrated with me, if he's more frustrated with the kids, I can see some of those signs and I can help make some corrections to help him, and then he all of a sudden feels calmer again.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now I don't always do it well, and so then it gets worse for a week, but he hardly ever blows up anymore.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: At me.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: He blows up at life.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: He's very passionate.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So like he's very well I blow up on you fuckers because sometimes you just don't listen.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, he does.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: But I can't recognize that two weeks in advance.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: I never know what's gonna come out of his mouth when he's talking to you guys.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, but I can recognize his dysregulation.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, go back to the episode we talked about uh with weaponized incompetence, and we were talking about that couple with the swinging, right?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so essentially that is a really good example.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You could watch my demeanor at the start, but when I thought of that example real time, you saw me get more excited, right?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: He got angry.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can yeah, and you can see that in many of the episodes, if you see because we filmed two to four at one time, you'll often notice the energy, okay?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'll be like, tell them how you really feel, honey.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, processing prior, okay, like or during, after, you have to get better at at um again just going to the root, like the root.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, if you um if you don't understand that most of the time you're trying to get your thoughts out, right?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Of your mouth.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Of your mouth.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: When your mouth is not the appropriate channel.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously, it's not.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: What's the right channel?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Process it in your mind before it comes out your mouth.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Make sure your heart posture is in the right place so that you say the right thing.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think that if more people did this and became aware, so we, for example, in my program, we have a whole reflections call.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: We have a guy who's who I've never I I remember watching him in the beginning of his journey and processing to get a question out.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty much most dudes, okay?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: But most because most guys aren't really hyper-aware of their feelings, okay?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: But now you just watch this guy and he processes, but he keeps most of it just composed and and in his brain, and then it comes out.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really cool.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so he's gotten really good at asking questions in his brain.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why he teaches on a coaching call for you for our guys, because he he can basically get you asking the right questions.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Processing is more about questioning than it is about uh fact.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason is simple because most times you're taking your pain as your fact and you're you're internalizing that pain, and so this causes secondary emotions to run fucking wild.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And those are the ones that are easier to see, surface.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's like an iceberg, though.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You need to think about what's below the surface, okay?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then from there you can actually be productive, whether that's a decision on your own, decision for your family.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times you guys don't agree anymore.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody's got to make the right decisions for the family, right?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we would talk about if you if one wants a divorce, just be a better leader, be the one that leads back to marriage, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, you process and you start running through all the guilt and your shame, all the things you did wrong, all the things that making you a fucking victim of what you're gonna look like when you get divorced, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you fucking lost.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have anything you want to add?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Do you ever wonder if people don't know what the iceberg even means?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because in South Texas, like you don't see an iceberg in Houston when you're just like at the beach.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, right.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Our kids literally just said, What's an iceberg?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I used to jump on icebergs as a child, which is totally, you know, not safe.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: I lived through it.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Very not safe.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: But I used to go iceberg jumping, that's what we did.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we did.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, so I want like so an iceberg, in case you guys don't know, because maybe you didn't study and you didn't see real icebergs, the an iceberg, you see, it looks like it's just a piece of ice floating.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you that are Canadian, you know what it is, since you just humor me, but some of you don't have any idea what it actually is.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's a tiny bit at the top, and then there's this massive piece.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if you guys can see on YouTube, I'm making like I'm motioning with my hands.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: There's a massive piece of ice that goes down into the water.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: You can only see the tiny little bit.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why they say it's just the tip of the iceberg because it's literally the smallest piece, and there's so much more to explore and jump from one to another.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: This this is a good analogy, too, because um I've been talking about the iceberg a lot more now.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome for anybody that didn't know that, by the way.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is like when you go to therapy, you're trying to get to the bottom of it, but the problem is you spend so much time on the bottom, you never actually you know deal with the top stuff, and you think you're dealing with the top, then we go to therapy and we process the bottom.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why it and but and you're literally like up and down, up and down, up and down.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why therapy takes so fucking long.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't the Titanic hit an iceberg?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there you go, guys.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's because it's a fucking huge body of ice.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so the huge boat still crashed.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and sunk.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.