Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #189| How Letting Go of Comparison Helps You Beat Imposter Syndrome and Overwhelm

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#189| How Letting Go of Comparison Helps You Beat Imposter Syndrome and Overwhelm · Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing

• 0:00
  MichelleGauthier: Everyone else seems to be doing this just right.
• 0:03
  MichelleGauthier: Why am I the only one struggling?
• 0:06
  MichelleGauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
• 0:17
  MichelleGauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
• 0:22
  MichelleGauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences.
• 0:27
  MichelleGauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
• 0:35
  MichelleGauthier: Hi, friend.
• 0:38
  MichelleGauthier: Have you ever looked around and thought, everyone else seems to be doing this right?
• 0:43
  MichelleGauthier: Why am I the only one who's struggling with this?
• 0:46
  MichelleGauthier: If you do think that you are not alone, it's one of the most common things I hear in my one-on-one coaching.
• 0:51
  MichelleGauthier: For some reason, we all have this perception that everybody else, whoever ever everybody else is, is pulling this off.
• 0:58
  MichelleGauthier: So life, balance, work, parenting, whatever it is, better than you are.
• 1:03
  MichelleGauthier: And I want to talk about comparison today because I don't think comparison is always bad.
• 1:09
  MichelleGauthier: I think that it can be used for good, but what I see nine times out of ten is that comparing yourself is not helpful.
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  MichelleGauthier: So when you listen today, you're going to learn why comparison is hardwired into your brain, how to recognize when it's secretly fueling your imposter syndrome and overwhelm and just adding stress to your life.
• 1:28
  MichelleGauthier: And then, of course, what you can do instead so that you can feel more grounded and confident and in control of your own pace and your own life and what works specifically for you.
• 1:39
  MichelleGauthier: So let's start off by talking about the psychology behind why we compare.
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  MichelleGauthier: Back in the 1950s, a psychologist named Leon Festinger introduced something called social comparison theory.
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  MichelleGauthier: And what this theory says is that people determine their own social and personal worth by comparing themselves to others.
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  MichelleGauthier: And that's especially true when there's no clear objective way to measure success.
• 2:04
  MichelleGauthier: A clear objective way to measure success is like a grade.
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  MichelleGauthier: So your social success and your personal worth, they don't have a grade.
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  MichelleGauthier: So we use other people to be our measuring stick, so to speak.
• 2:17
  MichelleGauthier: So we compare our parenting, our productivity, how much can you get done in a day?
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  MichelleGauthier: Our bodies, our routines, our relationships.
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  MichelleGauthier: In my case, businesses.
• 2:28
  MichelleGauthier: So other people who own businesses, I'm always comparing my business to theirs because we really want to know am I doing okay?
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  MichelleGauthier: I'm going to look around at other people and then I'm going to decide if I'm doing okay.
• 2:39
  MichelleGauthier: And in a situation where there's no gold star or a scorecard or an A, our brains just look around us and use other people as a reference point to figure out if we're on track.
• 2:51
  MichelleGauthier: So our brain does this automatically, just like I talk about on this podcast all the time, Thoughts come into our head automatically without our control.
• 3:00
  MichelleGauthier: And we can't really control that our brain's going to go towards comparison.
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  MichelleGauthier: For example, I just went to my daughter's parent teacher conferences this week.
• 3:08
  MichelleGauthier: And as I was buzzing around the school, there's tons of parents in there.
• 3:12
  MichelleGauthier: I noticed that most of the kids had two parents at the parent teacher conference.
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  MichelleGauthier: So I automatically compared myself and thought, okay, well, I'm just one parent at this parent teacher conference.
• 3:22
  MichelleGauthier: Most kids have two parents at this parent teacher conference.
• 3:25
  MichelleGauthier: So I'm like looking at the situation to see how I fit in.
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  MichelleGauthier: And how I fit in was I'm mostly different relative.
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  MichelleGauthier: There are two types of comparison.
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  MichelleGauthier: One is upward comparison, which is where you look at people who seem to be doing better than you are.
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  MichelleGauthier: So, for example, you find someone who you perceive to be more fit, or a better mom, or a harder worker who has the same type of job as you have, or more successful than you are.
• 3:53
  MichelleGauthier: Whatever it is, you're looking up to people who you perceive to be doing better than you do.
• 3:58
  MichelleGauthier: It's funny, in the mom department, there's always that mom who kind of has it all together.
• 4:04
  MichelleGauthier: There always seems to be that mom, especially when the kids were little, there was that mom that had like the bag, and the bag wasn't like full of random stuff falling out in receipts and all that.
• 4:13
  MichelleGauthier: It was like snacks, like healthy snacks and water and band-aids, and just kind of like the mom who had everything that you might need if you're at the park and there's like a little injury or someone gets hungry or thirsty.
• 4:27
  MichelleGauthier: I definitely always did upward comparison with that mom.
• 4:30
  MichelleGauthier: I'd be like, ooh, I hope I have a diaper in the car.
• 4:32
  MichelleGauthier: So upward comparison makes you feel behind.
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  MichelleGauthier: Downward comparison is looking at someone who seems to be doing worse than you are, right?
• 4:41
  MichelleGauthier: So that mom has absolutely everything she could ever need.
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  MichelleGauthier: She has on a cute outfit to boot, and then you see the other mom who's just like appears to be a hot mess and is just barely hanging on, and you're like, okay, at least I'm not as bad as she is.
• 4:56
  MichelleGauthier: And if you think about that, whether you compare upward or downward, neither one of those really make you feel good.
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  MichelleGauthier: It doesn't ever make you feel good to be like, ugh, that person is a mess.
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  MichelleGauthier: I'm so glad I'm not them.
• 5:06
  MichelleGauthier: Like, that's just a yucky feeling, too.
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  MichelleGauthier: So the whole point of this and the point about telling you about social comparison theory is just to know that this is what our brain does.
• 5:16
  MichelleGauthier: When we don't know where we rank, our brain tries to rank us by comparing ourselves to other people, either upward or downward.
• 5:23
  MichelleGauthier: Since we can't really help that our brain does that, the thing to do is just to simply notice and then decide.
• 5:28
  MichelleGauthier: Decide what you want to make that mean, what you want to do about it.
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  MichelleGauthier: For example, when I was talking about the parent-teacher conferences, if I notice that I'm one parent and there are many two parent people there, what I decided to make that mean was nothing.
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  MichelleGauthier: I don't think the teachers are going to think anything of it.
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  MichelleGauthier: I don't think it's going to negatively impact my daughter.
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  MichelleGauthier: I don't feel like I need to explain, like, oh, I'm going to let the other parent know what we're talking about here.
• 5:53
  MichelleGauthier: I just made it mean nothing.
• 5:54
  MichelleGauthier: I could have made that mean a whole variety of things if I wanted to.
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  MichelleGauthier: The other problem with comparison is it can create isolation because it fuels this lie that you're behind or you're not doing as well.
• 6:07
  MichelleGauthier: And, you know, Brene Brown's research shows that once we feel that way, if we sort of feel shame about where we are, that we isolate.
• 6:15
  MichelleGauthier: So this is what creates that thought that I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast of everyone else has it together and I'm the only one who doesn't have it.
• 6:25
  MichelleGauthier: Why is this so hard for me?
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  MichelleGauthier: Other people just seem to know what to do.
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  MichelleGauthier: I feel like I'm missing something, or this is the one that makes my heart hurt the most.
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  MichelleGauthier: There's just something wrong with me.
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  MichelleGauthier: Normal people do it this way, and I just can't do it that way.
• 6:38
  MichelleGauthier: And I hate that because, first of all, I think everyone feels that way at some point.
• 6:45
  MichelleGauthier: I've never talked to anyone in eight years of coaching, hundreds of people who don't feel like this about something.
• 6:52
  MichelleGauthier: And I think that that's really a comforting thought if you're feeling like that to know, okay, I'm not the only one.
• 7:00
  MichelleGauthier: Everyone thinks this about something.
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  MichelleGauthier: I was on a business trip when my daughter was really little, and I was looking around the room.
• 7:09
  MichelleGauthier: It was a big meeting, and I was looking around the room and looking at all the other women who were at my level and above and comparing myself to them and thinking, oh my gosh, I bet they're not just completely overwhelmed right now.
• 7:21
  MichelleGauthier: Like what it takes to go out of town and coordinate the schedules and try to be prepared for this meeting.
• 7:27
  MichelleGauthier: And I was just comparing myself as like the lowest on the totem pole as far as having the job I had and keeping it all together.
• 7:36
  MichelleGauthier: And after the meeting was over, I ended up having a conversation, just like a casual social conversation with another woman who was in the room who was like two levels above me.
• 7:47
  MichelleGauthier: And she mentioned that she had a full-time nanny and a stay-at-home spouse, and she still felt overwhelmed and cried on the way home from work most nights.
• 7:58
  MichelleGauthier: And her saying that really, really made me feel like, okay, I'm not alone in this.
• 8:04
  MichelleGauthier: I'm not alone.
• 8:05
  MichelleGauthier: And so I always encourage women, if you're feeling alone and isolated and like you're comparing yourself and feeling like you're at the bottom of the barrel, to tell someone.
• 8:15
  MichelleGauthier: Social media is also like terrible for comparison because you're comparing your internal experience of your life to somebody else's like beautifully polished highlight reel.
• 8:28
  MichelleGauthier: So let's talk about what to do and the way out, the way out of this comparison track.
• 8:36
  MichelleGauthier: The antidote to this, the solution for this is connection and compassion and clarity.
• 8:44
  MichelleGauthier: So, like I mentioned, that woman, we were just having a casual conversation, and I had mentioned that I had a new baby, and we were just talking, and she really took that opportunity to connect and give I didn't tell her how much I was struggling, but she knew, she knew that I must be.
• 9:01
  MichelleGauthier: And she gave me compassion and told me about her story, and it just made me feel so much better.
• 9:09
  MichelleGauthier: I think anytime I've had group coaching where somebody says, I feel like I'm failing at this, and then other people are like, oh my gosh, same, absolutely the same.
• 9:19
  MichelleGauthier: Everyone realizes it's not just me.
• 9:21
  MichelleGauthier: So, how you can break the cycle is to tell the truth.
• 9:25
  MichelleGauthier: If you want to be the one to talk about it to someone else, go to someone you trust and tell them, oh my gosh, I'm just majorly struggling here.
• 9:33
  MichelleGauthier: It's funny, last night I texted my best friend.
• 9:36
  MichelleGauthier: I'm so tired that I could literally start crying right now.
• 9:40
  MichelleGauthier: And she just wrote back immediately, like, I know exactly how you feel.
• 9:44
  MichelleGauthier: I get like that too.
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  MichelleGauthier: So just tell someone your truth.
• 9:47
  MichelleGauthier: Social media-wise, if there are accounts that make you always feel behind, unfollow them.
• 9:52
  MichelleGauthier: And then let's go back to the first step, which was notice.
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  MichelleGauthier: So notice I'm comparing myself to other people.
• 9:58
  MichelleGauthier: And then ask yourself, what does success look like for me right now?
• 10:02
  MichelleGauthier: And what are some of the things that I'm proud of about what I'm doing?
• 10:06
  MichelleGauthier: So, success for me right now is going to look completely different than success for you right now.
• 10:12
  MichelleGauthier: Even if I were to try to find my closest comparison.
• 10:15
  MichelleGauthier: So let's say I'm like, I find a single mom with two teenagers who go to two different schools, who owns a business, a life coaching business, and has the same clients, same number of clients that I have.
• 10:27
  MichelleGauthier: So, like the same kind of load that I have in life.
• 10:30
  MichelleGauthier: Let's say I compare myself to that person, still not a fair comparison.
• 10:34
  MichelleGauthier: Like we're gonna have completely different skills, priorities, where we want to spend our time.
• 10:39
  MichelleGauthier: So comparing yourself to someone else just really doesn't work.
• 10:43
  MichelleGauthier: Okay, so in summary, we compare automatically, you can pause that, you can notice that, and you can decide what you want to make it mean.
• 10:53
  MichelleGauthier: When it's making you feel overwhelmed, stressed, like you have imposter syndrome, then the thing to do is to ask yourself the question, what does success look like for me right now?
• 11:06
  MichelleGauthier: And anywhere you see an opportunity to share that with someone else, to share your struggles with someone else, or just to have an honest conversation with someone in your same boat, I think you will definitely feel better.
• 11:18
  MichelleGauthier: If this is hitting home for you, just please know you're not alone.
• 11:21
  MichelleGauthier: You're not the only one struggling, I promise.
• 11:24
  MichelleGauthier: You're not the only one wondering if you're doing it right.
• 11:26
  MichelleGauthier: And on Thursday, I'm gonna share a little bit more on comparison and some stories from my own life about how I let comparison, you know, wreck things.
• 11:34
  MichelleGauthier: How I let comparison steal the joy out of some things that I loved and what I learned when I finally realized it.
• 11:41
  MichelleGauthier: So I will talk to you on Thursday, but thank you for being here and keep showing up for your own story and your own goals.
• 11:49
  MichelleGauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
• 11:56
  MichelleGauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com.
• 12:02
  MichelleGauthier: See you next week.