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39. Your Relationship With Your Coach Shouldn't Be Codependent + How to Trust Yourself · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm recording this episode in January, the beginning of a new year.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: And just like anything, a lot of coaches are selling right now, myself included.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to remind you, you don't need a coach to tell you what to do.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably thinking, what, Elaine, aren't you a coach?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: A coach is there to be a partner in helping and supporting you in your goals and ensuring that every action you take is aligned to you.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, that might be strategy, but making sure that whoever you want to work with is actually listening to you and what you want to do.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Coaching shouldn't be codependent.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you're working with a coach, and it doesn't have to be me, whether it's me or someone else, you should also learn to trust yourself when making decisions in life, business relationships, and everything.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, I'm breaking down why your relationship with a coach shouldn't be codependent and how to trust yourself.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Hey legacy maker, I'm your host and MC, Elaine Lucartis, business and career coach for Woman of Color and Allies.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And welcome to the Call Your Dreams Podcast, where we have conscious conversations to help you create a business or career that is sustainable, abundant, and equitable to the lifestyle you deserve.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because our ancestors sacrificed so much so we can have this life of choice.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, grab your coffee, tea, andor boba, and let's call your dreams to create your legacy.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Post holidays for coaches must be like tax seasons for accountants.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, got this quote from an Instagram account called Overheard LA.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you listening from LA, you should know what Overheard LA is.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of you that don't, definitely follow them.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: They just make fun of people that are from Los Angeles.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So there was a quote in Overheard LA that shared post-holidays for therapists must be like tax season for accountants, which is why I started off this episode with how when it's the beginning of the year, it's crazy for coaches.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a new year.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: We all have goals, personal, professional.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I have goals.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as a result, with my goals that I've identified, I have a village of people supporting me, whether it's my own coaches or professionals.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So at the end of February, I'm filming three courses with Madecraft.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So worrying, once it's out, I will let you guys know when it's out.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you better know Yogirl, it has some health goals to look and feel good.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm continuing to do hot yoga regularly.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I plan to go back to do more Thai, which is Thai kickboxing and doing weightlifting because I'm all about being lean, not necessarily focusing on and putting air coats, losing weight, but really being lean.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So excited about that goal.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Second, I have some finance goals in place.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So earlier in January, I met up with my CFO going over my finances, projections, and even personal goals.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, I have goals in my own business.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm meeting up with my coach this week.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And what I'm proud of about my goals this year is that I know what I want.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting emphasized on the word I because it's so easy to get caught up on what other people are telling us it was defined as successful.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, raise your hand if you're so sick and tired of hearing the I'm a coach and I help you hit six figures, seven figures.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just a very formulaic and it makes me think, is that really what everybody wants?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, sure, I know we want abundance and money, but also what if there's a different definition of abundance?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I had a client who shared with me, like, I'm happy making six figures.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's my goal.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: My goal is I just want to travel more and enjoy life and have a highly profitable business making six figures.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's fine.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's this concept of always wanting more and more, which is a very capitalistic notion when the question really becomes of how can you be more of you rather than just gathering more things in the society.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what makes me so proud of my goals this year is I know what I want, and I have a village and team to hold me accountable, give me feedback, and shadow because of their expertise.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I gotta be vulnerable with you guys.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, a few years ago, I got caught up in being addicted to hiring so many coaches to tell me what to do because I couldn't trust myself.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's nothing wrong with having a coach or not having one.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, I have my own coach.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But what is important is that you're not being codependent in that relationship, whether it's a coach or any expert, experts like a personal trainer or a financial advisor, that when you are creating your goals and holding yourself accountable with experts, that it is aligned to you and your core values, that you you're being heard and listened to, that it isn't codependent.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when you are making decisions in your life and you are hiring an expert, are you getting asked the right questions?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: For example, maybe you are looking for strategy.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And what I've learned as a coach myself is when I find a client who maybe they're stuck, like, oh, I feel really stuck here, really frustrated about this.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is something that I've learned through my certification program.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting a certification program through the International Coaching Federation.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the next podcast episode, I actually have one of the founders of the school.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm taking my certification from talking about coaching certifications.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, a question that I've learned to, or is something that I've learned to do as a coach, is asking permission from my clients.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So when I find my clients stuck in a problem, is I ask, what do you need from me right now?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is it helpful to share how you're feeling?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to share more of that?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you want feedback from me?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you need strategy?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need from me at this moment?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if you notice, the way I asked that question, it was very neutral.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not swaying towards a do you want strategy?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm making it neutral so that the client does ask.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, if they do say, I would love your feedback and strategy, I would provide the feedback and strategy.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And after giving the feedback strategy, like let's say I mention, what are your thoughts of doing A, B, and C?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And after giving the feedback, asking, does that feel aligned?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: There is a way for coaches, including myself and experts, where it's important to ask for permission so that our clients, you, you could be aware if you are doing things that you want to do in your career, lives, and relationships, depending on what you want to hire a coach to do.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many different coaches that focus on different things, relationships, love, spirituality, life coaching, just making sure it's aligned to what you want to do.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be honest, there are times when we are working on something and it is not a coach that we need.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there's blocks from our past, and it's a therapist.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say I'm so grateful, as I've mentioned from past podcast episodes, I'm so grateful for therapy.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Last year in 2022, sorry, remember we just started 2023 when I recorded this episode.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, wait, where are we?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I still think it's like the 2000s, like a couple years ago.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, back in 2022, I went back to therapy and I was I was finding myself stuck even in making decisions and learning to trust myself.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had to do so much inner child work.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm so grateful to that.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I feel so confident in who I am.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to know the difference between coaching versus therapy, check out episode 25.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's coaching versus therapy.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Which one do you need?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I interview Dr.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nazanin Mwali, my friend, who is also a clinical psychologist.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to know the cliff notes version of what coaching versus therapy is, coaching helps you achieve future goals, and therapy helps to heal past trauma.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma that that might be holding you back to create your goals.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say, this is an opinion, by the way, not fact, but I will share from my own personal experience doing coaching and therapy.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: It has helped me achieve my goals and feel good.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also noticed that with my own clients when they're working with me, where I'm their coach and they're also going to therapy.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It allows them to achieve their goals and also heal a lot of their blocks because that's not my expertise.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So going back to coaching, I just want to share times where I have felt unsafe.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe if you're listening to this, you've worked with coaches before.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're not the only one that has gone through maybe unsafe or uncomfortable experiences.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember I was working with a coach, like, Elaine, you should do this, this.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was very much like a commanding, you should do this.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: What I've learned in a safe way is what should have happened was asking Christian, like you heard earlier.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Elaine, what do you need right now?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Does it help sharing your frustration?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need feedback?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: What would help?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this would allow me to decide and ask myself inside with this other person that I'm partnering up with, a coach, to decide, hmm, what tomb I need?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think it is this.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I think it is this.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I said, going back to asking for permission, I remember there was another unsafe experience where I knew my coach is not a therapist.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she straight up tried to diagnose me and say, Elaine, it sounds like something from your childhood, from this.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, uh, as someone that has gone through therapy, I just knew that wasn't the right way to share things.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And just remembering coaches are not therapists.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: The better way to ask something should have been, Elaine, does this experience you have right now bringing up something that you want to share?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving it completely open-ended.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: See, the problem you see with the online coaching world, if you follow that world, me not so much, I'm trying to get out of it because I'm so over it, is you see a templated version of how to be a copy and paste version of someone else.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And as defined by the International Coaching Federation, coaching is partnering with clients and a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity, and leadership.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you need very simple terms in that, my interpretation is if you're looking for a coach, just remember to find someone that makes you feel safe, willing to partner with you, listen to you, so that you can discover what you want to do.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you could ask for feedback and strategy as well, but making sure that you're asking yourself, okay, is the strategy that my coach is sharing with me, does that feel aligned with me and do I want to move forward with it?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like I remember a client messaged me and she just lost a client that she's been working with for a couple of months.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: She was messaging me, asking me, like, I need strategies, how can I make up this money?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked with her for two years, and I actually asked this question is it strategy you need right now?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or knowing that something has happened to you from the past, do you need time to reflect?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: See what you can learn from this moment?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Which one do you need?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the strategy or taking time to reflect and journal?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And she responded back, you know what?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I do need to journal.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And later that day, when she journaled, she realized, oh my gosh, Elaine, there's all these collaborations that have come up.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized I'm actually making up the money with these collaborations by not having this client anymore.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, the client that I lost is no longer aligned to me, and I'd rather do these collaborations.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: So when looking for the right coach, I just want to emphasize this.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure they are listening to you, making you feel safe, and that you are making aligned choices about what's best for your personal and professional life.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: How will you know?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: He'll know through your intuition.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the next part of the podcast is how to trust yourself.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have six tips for you.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: The first one's really easy.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's starting small.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Have any of you watched the How I Met Your Mother TV show?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have no idea what the show How I Met Your Mother is, then that just means I'm aging.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: But in the show, there's this olive theory.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is like, do you like olives?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: People have very strong opinions about olives.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: You either love them or hate them.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I hate olives.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: As you, the listener or listening, do you like olives?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Probably have an answer about that, but I just want to remind you, you know what you like and what you don't like.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So are you going to reflect back in your life right now?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are realizing there's something you don't like in your life.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's, uh, I don't like working out in the morning.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're realizing that, honoring it.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And wanting to try and test something.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's working out in the afternoon or in the evening.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just try it.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: See what may happen.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't like the afternoon or evening working out, then moving it back in the morning.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: The second tip when going through a challenge in life or work, pause and reflect.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: What did you learn from it?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: What did you realize you did not like from it?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: What did you actually like from it?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So let's use an example.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're thinking, I don't think I like how I'm running my business right now.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or I don't exactly like the job I have.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that you may not like something, take some time to journal reflect what are things you do like and you don't like?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: What are you learning from that specific situation?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, I have a client, there was a treat, and she was asking the question, how can I be more consistent in Instagram, get more clients through it?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I asked permission.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: I asked, So can we figure out where your clients are coming from first?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: We realized that it's a lot of referrals, Google, and LinkedIn.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So based on what she had, I just asked, what if you don't need to be on LinkedIn?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because based on what is working, what if we just focused on LinkedIn and your referrals?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we did one edit on her LinkedIn, and she got a$7,500 corporate contract from that one edit.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just being mindful that she didn't like being on Instagram.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that's the case for you, but being mindful of what do you like, what you don't like.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, in episode 38 with Monica, I was sharing with her in that episode how I just didn't want to be this content machine on social media.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: What I loved doing is writing long form emails, doing this podcast episode because I feel more me.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You get to know more of me.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like people like you, maybe you're interested in working with me, you get to really know who I am versus a limited amount of space on Instagram or when you're pointing.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I actually want my clients to research and do their due diligence before working with me.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: So the second tip on trusting yourself, when there's a challenge to pause and reflect, see what you can learn from it.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And see, by my client pausing, she was able to realize I don't want to be on Instagram and she got that$7,500 corporate contract.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the third tip, I should learn this from my therapist, is when wanting to respond to a challenging situation, and you want to trust yourself, you want to honor and be vulnerable, is when you are about to communicate with a colleague, a team member, maybe you're in a relationship, is to make sure you're communicating when you're happy, focused, calm, and proud.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: So the zones of regulations by Leah Cooper.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you could look that up.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'll also put in the show notes.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: There are four zones.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's a blue zone when you're sad, the green zone when you're happy, the yellow zone when you're worried and frustrated, the red zone when you're overjoyed.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Right, something happens in life, whether it's work or personal, and you're gonna feel whatever you have.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: So wait to respond when you're in the green zone, when you're happy, focused, calm, and proud.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's a way to trust yourself.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the fourth tip of trusting yourself, I just want to let you know your thoughts and emotions are valid.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if something is coming up, being willing to have that vulnerable and compassionate conversations with others.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, going back to tip number three is making sure you're in the green zone, you're calm to have it.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So when it's coming up, especially in a relationship, making sure to have those conversations.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: And also if you are acknowledging self-defeat, self-doubt, I would share that the best thing to do is to actually work with a therapist to help identify where that voice is coming from and healing it.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: The fifth tip is taking time to acknowledge what your definition of success is and happiness as opposed to other people.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Last year, I redefined my definition of happiness and success by having abundance not just in money, but also in time.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Time for myself, time for loved ones, time to travel.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Had nine weeks of vacation.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is January.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to San Diego.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing a speaking gig, but I'm spending time with my cousin.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to Portland for a week for personal.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: I have a trip planned to Napa in February, heading to Santa Barbara's.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's like four trips in two months in the past, like already for 2023.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's my definition of happiness.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need support and figure out what your own definition of success and happiness is, I actually created a free meditation of honoring our five-year-old self, our present goals to honoring the legacy we want to create when we're about to leave this planet.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: You could go to ElaineLu.com forward slash meditation to listen to that meditation.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And also, you don't have to listen to that meditation.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: You could do your own meditation.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And your own meditation could be a guided meditation you could find in an app, or maybe just complete silence.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: You get to define that.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And see what I did there?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just want to remind you like you get to choose how you do it.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the sixth step is it's actually not a step that everyone has to do, but it goes back to the question, like, huh, maybe you're acknowledging you want further support, having a support partner to help you reach your goals, whether it is hiring a coach, a personal trainer, or a financial advisor.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're doing that, just like I've shared in the episode, is making sure that you're working with a thought partner to honor you as you have self-trust in yourself and someone else honoring what feels good for you.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my reflection and action for you.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I want you to take time and space journal to reflect on past definitions of success and happiness you might have had a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, what was that before, what it is now, and honor that we're humans and that we ofhaults and change.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Priorities shift, life experiences happen, we learn a lot.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's a beauty in pausing because when we pause, we can learn to trust ourselves more and honor ourselves.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you're interested in working with me, a thought partner, a coach, to listen and honor your goals and values.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: While providing you aligned strategies, then schedule a complimentary 30-minute legacy business and career review call where you will receive three individualized action items towards your business or career.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can schedule this call by going to ElaineLew.com forward slash call.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: By the end of the call, if it's a great fit to work together, great.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: We could talk about how it looks like to work together.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not a great fit, great.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I can refer you to other people and resources because integrity is one of my top values.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, doing this call is going to be a win-win situation for you because you'll receive three action items.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: So to schedule that call, go to ElaineLu.com forward slash call.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Legacy Maker, if you love this call your dreams episode, we would love it if you can leave a rating and review on Apple.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: So more women of color and allies can benefit too.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have one or two friends that would get so much from this particular episode, please share.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: The intention behind the Call Your Dreams podcast was to contribute and give back to our people.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see you next Thursday for our newest Call Your Dreams episode.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to Call Your Dreams too.