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When It Comes to Parenting, We Are All Gardeners: So What Are You Growing? · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Tiara and this is Rud Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have ever planted a garden or you know anything at all about gardening, then you probably know that you probably wouldn't just throw some seeds in the dirt and then come back years later and hoping that something beautiful grew.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: You would probably pay attention to the soil, you would water it, you would pull some things out, you would change what wasn't working.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Raising children isn't all that different.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So what is it that you are growing?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about is your child well behaved or do they make good grades or do they listen to you?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm referring to is who is this child becoming because of what they are experiencing around me?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: We're not simply raising children, we are actually helping to develop people.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Every single adult that you see, there was someone who played a part in their development.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if we are growing people, then maybe we have to start paying closer attention to the seeds that we are actually planting.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's a bar.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: So what seeds are you planting?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Everyday experiences teach children something.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: For example, when your children make a mistake, do they learn that mistakes are a part of learning?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or do their mistakes make them feel like a failure or unworthy of love?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: When they cry, do they learn that they are safe to show emotion?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or do they learn that their emotions make people uncomfortable?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And not only that, but are they taught how to respectfully disagree, or are they simply taught that authority should never be questioned?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if they are taught the latter, oh boy, we have to move away from that.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because that's something that a lot of older generations had a habit of doing.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then they basically pass that down and instill that into the next generation.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that there are a lot of us that feel like our parents or grandparents can do no wrong and everything they say is right.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm sorry to disappoint you.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're wrong on that part.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: But as a parent or a garden, there are so many seeds that we plant into our kids.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those seeds are even unintentionally planted.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: For example, depending on how you handle certain situations, a parent may think that they are teaching strength when they're actually teaching emotional suppression.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or they may think that they're teaching obedience when they are accidentally teaching a child not to trust their own judgment.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or they could think that they are protecting their child from disappointment while unintentionally teaching them that they are incapable.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm being honest, I think that I always say if I'm being honest, I'm always being honest, y'all.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I really do think that this is the reason why it's always said to not have kids until you are ready.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is so much more that goes into parenting, other than just, you know, feed them, bathe them, keep them alive, even though I do understand that some days that's all that we have to give.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: But we must remember that children are only growing for what we say to them, they're growing from what they watch us do as well.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: One statement that I cannot stand to hear adults say to children is do as I say, not as I do.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why that I cannot stand that sin is because children learn relationships by watching relationships.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: They learn how adults handle anger, what apologies look like, whether boundaries are respected, how people communicate when they're frustrated, what love looks like, how women and men deserve to be treated, how you treat people who cannot do anything for you, whether asking for help is acceptable, and even how you speak about yourself.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And not to digress or anything like that, but what also played a key part in me choosing to leave or in my last marriage was because it was very important to me for my kids to witness what a healthy love looked like.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want my kids to witness me settling for less than what I deserved.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want them to witness something and think that this is what they should accept in a relationship.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want them to think that this is how they should behave in a relationship.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so me knowing that the relationships that they're watching while they're growing up is going to play a key factor in what they allow and not allow in their relationships, yeah, I was like, I'm not going for it.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I can't control who my kids talk to or date when they, you know, get of age and everything like that.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I at least want to show them something healthy.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Also let them know that, hey, it's okay to walk away when you are receiving less than what you deserve in a situation.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And even though I am saying all of this, this does not require perfect parents because there's no such thing as perfect parents.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But one of the healthiest things that children can witness is repair.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's saying, hey, I should not have spoken to you like that, or hey, I was frustrated, but that wasn't okay, or I'm sorry, or let's try this conversation again.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what that does is it teaches them that being wrong doesn't make you weak, and taking responsibility is part of being emotionally mature.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I cannot express enough how important it is because eventually the child you're raising is going to leave your house and somebody else is going to have to experience what you have grown.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your child may eventually become someone's friend, someone's spouse, co-worker, boss, neighbor, parent, caregiver, or community member?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, with knowing that, what kind of person are you preparing to send to the world and into other people's lives?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Can they hear no?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Can they apologize?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can they lose without becoming cruel?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can they advocate for themselves without demeaning someone else?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Can they accept accountability?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can they recognize when they have hurt someone?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Can they survive disappointment?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can they love without controlling people?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the goal isn't to raise a child who makes us look like good parents, it's much bigger than that.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we can tend to focus heavily on grades, sports, college, career, accomplishments, appearance.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And even though those things do matter, but let's also ask who are they becoming underneath all of that?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Are they kind when nobody is watching?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Can they think for themselves?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do they have integrity?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Can they recognize unhealthy relationships?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do they know their worth without constantly needing outside validation?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do they understand that being loved doesn't mean tolerated mistreatment?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And probably most importantly, do they know that home is somewhere that they can return to when life gets difficult?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tiara, and this is Rudy Thoughts Podcast.