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When the Spark Fades: Reclaiming Your Libido After 40 · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details. Where bold,
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confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep.
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Well, hello. This is Diva Mia, and today we're going to discuss a little bit about your libido.
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Why does your libido seem to change overnight as you get older?
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It just switches. Sometimes it's not just hormones, ladies. Sometimes it has
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other things related to it. So today we're going to focus on your sex,
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your desire, your brain chemistry.
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It can also be related to stress, sleep.
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Sometimes it's even resentment in a relationship. You need to know how to get
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your spark back after 40 if you want to sustain your marriage.
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One of the big complaints I hear from men is that when women are in there between
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35 and 45, their spark seems to diminish, sometimes even all the way up to 50.
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Women go through a lot of hormonal changes, but there's also a lot of other
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changes that happen that we're going to discuss today.
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So have you ever gone from wanting sex all the time, enjoying sex,
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thinking about sex, to suddenly thinking, I could honestly take it or leave it? That's your libido.
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When you have a desire that diminishes like that, you may still love your partner.
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You may still be attracted to them, but your hormones have even been checked
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by your doctor, and he says everything looks normal, so you don't know what's
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going on with your libido.
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But your libido seems to have packed a suitcase and left without forwarding its address.
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You're trying to find out what the heck is going on, and you're confused.
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So if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s, or even 70s, some people wait until they're
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70 until their libido goes down. Somebody has probably already given you the
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standard explanation. It's your hormones.
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A lot of times it may be, but sometimes it's not.
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Because hormones are only one piece of the libido puzzle. Ladies,
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I know for a fact, even when I had low testosterone and everybody said my libido
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should be nothing, I actually had a high libido.
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Sometimes it matters who you're with. Sexual desire doesn't just begin between
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your legs, okay? It's so many aspects because we are so mental when it comes
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to sexual desire as well.
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The majority of it begins in your ears, between your ears, ladies, actually.
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So your brain is the number one reason why your sexual desire may decrease.
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Here's the thing. If you don't feel safe in a relationship, your sexual desire
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will go away. If you feel like the other person's not respecting you,
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your sexual desire will go away.
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If you think they're cheating on you or if you think something might be going
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on on the side or they yelling at you all day long, you're not going to have
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sexual desire for the person. I was in a relationship one time where my ex would
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yell at me and want to fight. all day long.
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And then he wouldn't have sex with him at night because he could turn it on
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and off like that. I couldn't turn it on and off like that.
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So if you're getting like verbally abused during the day, your libido is going
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to go down. Or if there's things that they say that just drive you nuts,
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that can decrease your libido as well.
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We are a tricky, tricky female species, if you will.
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Because we need mental stimulation. If we have too much stress,
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maybe stress at work, stress in the house, stress with the kids,
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that decreases our libido too. That's why a lot of times women,
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right after they have children, they're too stressed to have sex.
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Because they're constantly looking around to make sure the baby's okay.
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And then there's sleep. If you're not getting sleep, just like when you might
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have a shorter fuse when you don't get sleep, if you're not getting sleep,
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your libido is going to decrease for sure. There are so many relationship dynamics
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from how they treat you to how you feel respected.
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That can also decrease your libido. And then how you feel about your body.
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Are you comfortable in your body? Do you love yourself?
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That can affect your libido. There's tons of medications. And a lot of women
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in their 40s and 50s and even longer, they're on medications.
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So that can decrease your libido. And then there are things that happen during
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menopause, lady, that there's physical discomfort.
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Some women's vaginal walls decrease in thickness, so when you have sex,
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it's painful, or you might even bleed from it. So that can decrease your libido.
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Do you truly have an emotional connection with the person?
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Emotional connection is all about safety, trust, and respect for women.
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If you don't give that to a woman, she's not going to connect with you.
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Yes, your hormones can also influence your brain as well, so there's that too.
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Let's move on and figure out how to move from please don't touch me to yes,
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please. Today, the DVD tells we're talking about your libido and why it can
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seemingly change overnight.
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Women sometimes blame themselves for it. I think a lot of pressure is put on
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women to perform sexually, even when they don't feel like it.
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I do know I was in a situation where I didn't feel like it and I'd have sex anyway.
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That kind of kills your libido for the future because then it doesn't feel natural.
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It can change overnight. You can actually start to get your desire back,
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but you have to work at it.
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There's so many things you have to look into in order to get your libido back.
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Your brain is your biggest sex organ, ladies.
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We tend to think about libido as something purely physical, but...
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Estrogen, testosterone, blood flow, menopause, vaginal dryness,
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all of those things matter.
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But desire is influenced by your brain.
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Do you desire the other person? So think about it, what happens when you first
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meet someone you're incredibly attracted to.
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You're anticipating their texts. You're thinking about your next date.
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I mean, it might be nice if you still do that with the person you're with.
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You notice their smell. Maybe their smell is really nice. Their voice,
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the way they touch you, maybe it gives you goosebumps.
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Bumps there's novelty to it i know some people chase novelty in relationships
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and that's why they don't stay in relationships but there's some type of anticipation
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and excitement to it your brain loves that connection there's.
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A so much connection with that you can get with that there's so many combinations
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so now let's fast forward to you've been in a relationship for say five years
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you know exactly what time they're going to come home you know what they're going to say
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you know exactly how sex is probably going to be it might be boring especially
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if they do the same thing over and over again.
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I know I'm an Aquarius, and when I'm in a sexual relationship and the guy just
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wants to do the same thing over and over again, it gets boring.
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You have to liven it up a little bit. I find that women, we have to liven it
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up because, quite frankly, the men aren't very creative sometimes in that category.
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Exactly how it's probably going to end is kind of a drawback.
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If you know how it's going to start, how it's going to begin,
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how it's going to be in the middle, you're not going to be so excited about it.
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But if you liven it up and maybe wear some lingerie, or you do something in
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your hot tub, or you do something else, that makes it funner.
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Changing positions also helps.
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You've got to get a partner that wants to participate that way,
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or you've got to have a partner.
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So mystery has left the building like five years in.
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That doesn't mean the relationship is bad. It just means that there's not a
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lot of desire or newness or novelty because you already know what to anticipate.
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This is one reason that someone can have a huge desire for sex generally,
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but suddenly experience less attraction to someone or sexually thoughts in a new context.
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Their body isn't necessarily broken. and they're just not that excited to be
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with the same person again.
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There are people that say this is the reason why they cheat,
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but I'm a believer that cheaters just cheat because they are who they are.
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But if you're not excited or you don't want to have sex with someone,
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you're going to have to figure out why. And there are so many reasons.
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You just need to wake up your brain and get it excited again.
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And I am all for adding fun. There's toys you can add into the bedroom. That can be exciting.
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There's new and creative things that can fix things to to spice up
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the relationship so don't wait until 10 30 at night when you're both exhausted
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though to suddenly decide you're
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you want to become passionate because what will happen is one of you may be
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too exhausted and ladies if you're with a man and above 45 you may have a man
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that when he gets tired he can't even perform
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so you need to start earlier you need to start around seven five to seven o'clock
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honestly dinner time is actually really good for the older man i will say because if you wait till
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later in the evening they just they're just not as available
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or they're too tired or they just want to go to sleep and if you've been with
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a person for a really long time
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sometimes that happens i know i was at a position where i wanted to have
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sex a couple times a day and the partner i was with was comfortable just once
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every other day and i just it to me it was just we didn't we had a missed libido match so
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sometimes you got to get the guy livened up as well so sometimes sending a flirtatious
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message during the day, planning a date. Flirting with them during the day is a great way to go.
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And guys, you can do the same thing with the ladies.
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Wear something that makes you feel really sexy. Change the environment.
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Maybe light some candles. Try something different.
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Get a glass of wine or something. But build anticipation throughout the day.
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Because great sex often begins hours before anybody gets naked.
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Which means you've got to respect each other. You've got to treat each other well.
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Because if you're disrespecting each other or not treating each other well,
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that can kill a libido. If you're yelling at each other and fighting,
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you're not going to want to have sex that day.
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It just doesn't happen. Stress can also put sex at the bottom of your priority
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list, and that's a big one.
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Because when you're stressed out and you're, imagine that your brain has 25 browser tabs open.
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Let's think about this. Let's think about our brain as crazy with browser tabs.
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One of them's work, children. Maybe you've got parents to deal with,
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bills to pay. You might be behind the bills.
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Your health, his health. The house is a mess. You have appointments.
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You've got deadlines. You've got laundry to do.
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Because, I mean, this is adulting, right? This is what adulting is.
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You've got email that you forgot to answer you've got a pile of laundry in the
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corner you've got dogs you've got cats you've got fish you've got a zoo
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sometimes somebody said three days ago like if you're an overthinker sometimes
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three or four days ago you're still thinking about something somebody else said
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now your partner walks in and starts rubbing your shoulders he's thinking i want to have sex
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your brain's thinking absolutely not i have 25 tabs open in my brain i've got
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deadlines i've got things to do and the kids are yelling and the dogs are barking so.
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You've got to take a breath.
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Sex is very important to both men and women. And one thing I will say,
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the amount of sex that actually occurs tends to be at the level of the one that
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has the least sexual desire, not the most sexual desire.
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So whichever person in the relationship has the least sexual desire,
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that'll be how often you have sex.
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And chronic stress can interfere with sexual interest and arousal. So just remember that.
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There's another component here that matters tremendously for women,
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and it's the amount of mental load we have.
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If you've got so much going on, if you've got a project due at work,
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if you've got to pick up the kids, take them to all their activities,
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that's a lot of mental load for one person. And then you've got to come home and cook and clean.
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And ladies, if you're a single mom, I feel your pain because when you have that
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much mental load, it's hard to focus on having sex with someone
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and getting all sexy and making sure that things are perfect and your hair is
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done and your nails are done and you've got your eyelashes on if you do that thing.
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And you've got makeup and you're looking all sexy in your little lingerie.
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That's a lot to deal with.
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So if one person is carrying most of the load or carrying the entire load and
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you're dating someone or in a relationship, it's a lot to do.
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So if one person's carrying most of the planning, remembering,
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scheduling, and you're married, and you're cleaning and parenting and emotional
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management in a household, it can be difficult to instantly transition from
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household CEO, business CEO, to a sexual goddess. is.
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I remember when I was the primary breadwinner, the primary caretaker,
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the primary financial person, and the primary person in the household. And I was married.
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And I was the primary at everything. And I had brain overload.
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And when I did, it was really hard for me to say, oh, yes, I need to take a
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break and go have sex for a half hour. That's really tough to do.
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You may need a buffer between responsibility and intimacy. Maybe you get in
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the habit of taking a shower together, or you go for a walk together and that
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takes you out of the environment of craziness, gives you a little bit of exercise
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and you can relax while you're walking.
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And when you come back, you have a little bit of peace and the kids are already
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in bed and you have time. So go for a walk.
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Take the kids with you as long as they're not crazy and stirring things up.
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And then everybody go to bed and then you have time for peace and time for you
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and your partner. Exercise helps, too, because it helps to alleviate stress,
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whether you're doing yoga, weightlifting or some type of cardio exercise.
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That helps as well. And put the phones away. I'm a big believer of trying to
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get the phones out of the bedroom.
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I've moved all my chargers into the other room now because it just,
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when I have my phone next to my bed, it's too easy to pick it up.
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So move the phones away. If you don't have a job where you have to answer the
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phone in the middle of the night, put it somewhere else.
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And then change your clothes, maybe take a shower. I will say it's kind of gross
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to have a sweaty guy all the time. Men, if you can take a shower for women,
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if you're one of those ladies that sweats a lot, take a shower as well right
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before sex. It makes things funner.
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It does help the olfactory, and smell is so important during sex.
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Odor, body odor. If you have a lot of body odor, you need to take care of that
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before you have sex. So spend about 20 minutes alone after maybe your walk and
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after you've changed clothes or taken a shower and listen to music and relax.
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It'll help with your stress load. It'll help you sleep better and it'll help you get more in the mood.
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And then ask your partner if you can, if he's a partner that actually does take
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up responsibility, if they can take something off your plate and learn to say no.
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There is no reason we have to do as much as we do.
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Learn to say no. The objective is not to magically manufacture desire in a platitude
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of things that are going on.
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It's to give your nervous system an opportunity to change gears.
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So you're not going to force yourself into desire. You're trying to relax.
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These are all the mental things that you need to work on.
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Yes, I want you to go check out your hormones.
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But if your hormones are regulated or you're on hormone therapy and you're still
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not getting a libido, it's mental. A lot of it's mental. or it could be the
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medications you're on, which we'll talk about as well.
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You need to find your desire. Sometimes you lose desire for a person temporarily
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or permanently, and that can happen.
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And then you've got to say, okay, am I stressed out? Is he just not picking up his share?
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Are we working too hard? You need to figure out what you can do to come back
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together, especially if you're married to the person.
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You may also have a sleep problem. One thing that happens to men is a lot of
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them have sleep apnea, and that can help impact erectile dysfunction. And so can snoring.
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Whenever a man has erectile dysfunction, you might want to look towards the sleep problem first.
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So it can be huge. If you're sleeping five hours a night, waking up repeatedly,
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I recommend getting either an Oura ring or one of the other rings that track
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your sleep so you can see how often you're waking up and how much sleep you're actually getting.
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If you're dealing with hot flashes or snoring from your partner or snoring from
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you, even insomnia, it wakes you up in the middle of the night or keeps you
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up late and your body can be exhausted.
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That is so not good for your health long term and it can also help you put on weight.
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So you need to make sure you're getting sleep. It has to be a priority.
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Sleep is the basic foundation for all health. If you're not sleeping enough.
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Figure out how to fix this. Sometimes when someone says, I'm never interested
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in sex anymore, the first thing you should be asking them is,
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hey, are you interested in sex at 10.30 at night besides sleeping?
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So like at 10.30, are they like on their computer? At 10.30 at night,
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are they scrolling, doom scrolling on their phone?
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Because that matters. Timing matters. Maybe they have no energy at 10.30.
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Try to see if maybe at 7 o'clock they can be interested in sex.
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And some people are more of a morning people, so they might want to have it
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at 7 o'clock in the morning or six o'clock in the morning.
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But if you're trying to have sex at 11 at night and you're blaming your libido
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because you're exhausted, try early in the morning. Sex is important and you
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need to make it a priority.
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So if early in the morning works, that's amazing. Quit assuming that sex belongs at bedtime.
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It doesn't. It can be middle of the day. You can have a noon or you can meet
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your husband somewhere at lunch or your boyfriend and have sex during the day.
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Try mornings, afternoons, weekends, after nap, after exercising,
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whenever your energy naturally peaks.
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Sex does not have office hours. If you're consistently exhausted because you're
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getting little sleep, it's worth discussing with your healthcare provider or
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your doctor because you need to,
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make sure this is a priority because if you don't get enough sleep.
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Your whole health is going to break down.
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I do think tracking your sleep is the first step, but if your partner says you
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snore that you have sleep apnea, you really need to get that fixed.
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It doesn't matter size because there's people that are women that are hundred
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pounds, they have sleep apnea.
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So the other thing is medication affects it. Sometimes depression or a thyroid
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problem can affect your sleep. And some people will have anemia when they're
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going through menopause or menopause symptoms.
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And all of these medical issues can trigger extreme fatigue.
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You might have an autoimmune that triggers fatigue.
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So don't automatically call it aging because you just don't know until you figure
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it out. A lot of blood work can be done.
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And you can determine a lot just from having your blood work done.
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You can determine your levels for testosterone and estrogen and progesterone.
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So get that all looked at. But one of the libido killers that nobody wants to
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talk about is resentment.
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So if you're in a relationship and your partner cheated, it might be a libido
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killer because you resent them.
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We're going to talk about some other uncomfortable stuff so you can optimize
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your hormones. But if you're resenting your partner, there's a lot you're going
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to have to work through. You may need to have counseling.
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You may need to have couples counseling.
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If your partner's cheated on you and decided to stay with them,
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maybe you need to get to counseling and find out why they cheated.
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Because most of the time when people cheat, it's because they have a hole in them.
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And they're insecure or they constantly need external validation from other
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people because they're little boys.
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So realize that when people cheat, if you're going to stick with them,
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don't just expect it to get fixed. They need to go to counseling and you need
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to go to counseling with them. So you probably need to go to a lot of counseling.
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If you want to stick out with them and you're married and you want to stay with
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them, I highly recommend that.
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Some of the things you can do though is buy lingerie, light candles,
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take a vacation together. But if you're lying next to somebody and you're deeply resenting them.
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Your libido is going to say, nope, I'm not having sex with them.
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I don't like them anymore.
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It can be something simple like your partner never helps around the house and
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you're exhausted because you're working full time. You're taking care of the
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kids. You come home and you cook.
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You come home and you clean. The kids go off to school and they don't drop them
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off. They don't pick them up. They come home from work and they sit on the couch
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with a beer watching a football game.
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And that can create a lot of resentment too.
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When you're in a relationship there needs to be assistance from your partner
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i will say a lot of men aren't very good at that ladies so if you don't feel
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appreciated for all the stuff you do
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then there's going to be resentment i will say it's kind of funny though men
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don't care men mentally they don't care whether they have resentment or not
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they will still have sex with you
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but for us women we need to feel respected and no resentment sometimes they
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also repeatedly dismiss your feelings like you bring something up that hey i
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don't like the fact that you're checking out other women
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or you're you're doom scrolling all the time on the phone can you spend more
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time with me and they just dismiss your feelings or hey can you help do the laundry.
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Because half of it's yours. And then the other thing, again,
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I mentioned earlier is maybe your trust was damaged. Maybe they broke promises or they had an affair.
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And when that happens, your trust gets damaged. So if you're with a person like
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that and you've chosen to stay with them, you need to work those things out.
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Any type of resentment truly needs to go through therapy.
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I know people are like, oh, I don't want to spend money for counseling.
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But do you want to spend money for a divorce? Because if there's a lot of resentment
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in a relationship, you may eventually get divorced. So remember that.
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And affection, if it only appears when they want sex and they don't treat you
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well, they don't hold your hand, they don't maybe smack you on the butt a little
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bit if you enjoy that or show any type of intimacy except in the bedroom,
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it will create resentment as well.
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I know I was in a relationship with a man that he wanted to do the same old
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thing over and over again, and that caused resentment for me.
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He's like, okay, I'm going to give you a quick massage, and then I want sex.
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I'm going to give you a quick massage, and then I want sex.
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And it was driving me nuts. It created extra resentment.
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Sometimes, ladies, we feel like their mom instead of their lover because they're not stepping up.
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They aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing.
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You ask them to take care of things and they don't do it. If they have sleep
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apnea, maybe they don't go to the doctor. If they're...
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Testosterone's low. Maybe they don't get it fixed. You remind them and then
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you feel like nagging and that you're their mom and you can't do everything for men.
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So realize we shouldn't have to mom these men that were not parented right.
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They need to step up and learn if they weren't parented right,
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it's time for them to parent themselves.
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Because we can't be mom to our men and our children and everything around the
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house and then take care of our work as well. And it may also be that you have
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500 tiny little resentments for all the things that go on, and they've never been resolved.
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Because when you talk to your partner, they dismiss your feelings.
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And that's a tough one, because you're in a relationship where you're getting
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dismissed, and your concerns aren't getting validated, even though they're big concerns.
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And sometimes they're little tiny things like, hey, can you put your underwear
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in the hamper when you drop it right next to it? I've had that happen.
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Can you put the toilet seat down? Can you put the cat back on the toothpaste?
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Little nice things like that, that they disrespect you, will cause resentment.
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So desire doesn't exist in an emotional vacuum. For most people,
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you need to also feel emotionally safe and valued and respected.
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That affects sexual interest as well.
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If you're in a relationship where the guy's making fun of your butt or says
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you look like crap and then wants to have sex with you, there's not a lot of attraction there.
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So that's important as well to have this distinction here. You can love somebody
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and still not desire them.
22:14
You can care for someone and still let them go.
22:17
Love and desire overlap, but they are not identical. So here's some quick fixes
22:21
that help address the real problem. If you're angry, you need to talk about
22:25
it. You need to talk about the anger. If you can't talk to your partner,
22:27
you need to talk to a therapist and figure out a way to work without the anger with your partner.
22:32
If trust is damaged, you've got to address the trust. Because I will say,
22:36
when people violate you, trust is one of the hardest things to get back.
22:40
Honestly, the trust will never be the same. There's always going to be a question
22:43
of, are they going to show up in time? Are they going to cheat on me?
22:47
Are they going to be there when I need them? The trust, once it's gone,
22:50
it's really hard, ladies, to get back.
22:52
If you're overwhelmed, you need to redistribute your responsibilities to other
22:56
people. Maybe you need to get the kids to do some chores. I'm a Gen Xer,
22:59
and growing up, we did a lot of stuff. We took care of households.
23:04
We did a lot of things. I mean, at least my family did.
23:07
We took care of pretty much everything. Typically, both parents were working,
23:10
so the kids, I mean, there were a lot of latchkey kids, if you know what that
23:13
means, where kids would come home from school with a key around their neck or.
23:17
Like a little wrist key holder.
23:20
And they would take care of doing everything. They'd get home,
23:23
they'd make their own meals, they'd
23:24
do the dishes, they'd clean up after themselves, they'd do the laundry.
23:27
And kids today, they don't. And we put a lot of pressure on the ladies now.
23:32
And we'll say, I think there's a lot more responsibility that we take on as
23:35
women than we used to because we're working full-time, we're running businesses
23:38
and we're still taking care of everything.
23:41
So I would say, try to get the kids to do more. If you feel ignored, tell your partner.
23:46
If you're working full-time and he's unemployed and you come home and the house
23:49
is a mess, there's a problem, and that needs to be worked out.
23:53
If you're working and you ask them to help out and they refuse, there's a problem.
23:58
If the same conflict keeps repeating itself, couples counseling is a great way,
24:02
or sex therapy even, there's sex therapy for people to have issues around sex
24:07
and need to work them out.
24:08
More and more useful, there's also supplements to boost female libido.
24:14
These are some things that actually help, But sometimes you see the results
24:18
of the problems that existed everywhere else.
24:20
And when you see it in the bedroom, it's just impossible to ignore.
24:24
But the problems exist outside the bedroom. That's where they start.
24:27
So the other issue is your body may have changed. So let's talk something about
24:31
many women quietly experience around 40 years old that your body's changed.
24:35
You may have gained weight.
24:36
Your breasts may change. They may be drooping down to your belly button.
24:40
Your skin may have changed.
24:42
You may have hot flashes with menopause. There are women that go through starting
24:45
in their 40s with menopause.
24:46
Some women even start in their 30s with menopause. Pregnancy can change things
24:50
in your body. You may feel different. And then if you had a C-section,
24:54
surgeries can change things and other surgeries can change things.
24:57
So sometimes your internal picture of yourself hasn't caught up to the reality.
25:01
You might walk into the bathroom, catch yourself naked in the mirror,
25:04
and immediately start criticizing every little piece of you.
25:06
Then 10 minutes later, your partner wants you to feel sexual,
25:10
but you were just judging yourself in the bathroom.
25:12
So your partner really needs to help with that intimacy as well.
25:16
It's a difficult mental transition.
25:18
You don't have to look like you did in 25 to have incredible sex at 45 or 50 or 55.
25:23
And that's the thing. Women in their 75s are having incredible sex.
25:27
I personally am having great sex
25:29
in my 50s. I think my sex is better in my 50s than it was when I was 25.
25:34
I was so apprehensive at 25, and I'm so much more free now. I know exactly what
25:39
I want. So sex in your 50s, especially if you have a strong libido,
25:43
ladies, is amazing. You just need to find the right partner.
25:46
But feeling comfortable in your own body matters. And yes, you may not be perfect,
25:50
and you may not have the body you had when you were 25.
25:54
And that's okay, because I can guarantee you, the man you're with doesn't either.
25:58
We're so much pressure on ourselves to perform and look perfect.
26:02
But if you can just be comfortable in who you are now, and if you want to change things, change things.
26:06
But love who you are now. Some things that may help you feel more attractive
26:11
is not just attractive for someone else, but attractive to yourself is exercise.
26:16
I'm a big proponent of weightlifting. Ladies, as we get older,
26:19
we need our muscle mass. So weightlifting really helps. Get your hair done.
26:24
Buy lingerie maybe that makes you feel sexy or fits current for your body.
26:28
Wear some perfume that i mean men are very visual but they're also very they
26:33
also like a good fragrance don't overdo it but wear your.
26:37
Your partner's favorite perfume that might help you feel sexy as well then take
26:41
care of your skin if you have breakouts or a pimple right in the middle of your
26:44
nose you're not going to feel very sexy so take care of your skin if you have
26:48
saggy skin there's things you can do with
26:50
different types of things there's supplements you can take some cream's work a little.
26:55
There's even plastic surgery is not a big thing. I mean, people are doing it
26:59
now more and more, but figure out what makes you work.
27:02
Put on an outfit that makes you want walk differently or makes you feel sexy.
27:06
Whatever makes you look in the mirror and think, wow, there she is.
27:10
I look beautiful because confidence can be incredibly erotic for you and your partner.
27:17
It'll turn heads when you're confident. When you walk in with your shoulders
27:20
drooping and you're not confident in who you are in your life,
27:23
it's not a big turn-on for anyone, not for you and not for them. But yes, you know what?
27:28
Let's skip to the next part, and this is that hormones still matter.
27:31
So the fact of the matter is, is your testosterone can be very low,
27:35
but if you're mentally into someone, your libido will still be high.
27:38
But your hormones, your testosterone, estrogen, can be really high or normal,
27:42
and you're not into them, so your libido can be low. So let's bring hormones
27:46
back into the conversation, because I'm certainly not saying that they don't
27:49
matter, but I think the mental component of it matters more.
27:53
So during perimenopause and menopause, hormones change greatly,
27:57
and it can affect your sexual function.
27:59
Now, I had a friend the other day tell me that she doesn't want to have sex
28:03
with anyone. She's very happy that her sexual desire has decreased.
28:08
She's like, I don't want to take testosterone because I don't want my sexual desire to increase.
28:13
Well, one of the things testosterone does, ladies, is it's not just for sexual
28:17
desire. It's for muscle mass. It's for skin elasticity.
28:21
And it's for mental health. So you need hormones to balance all this out.
28:26
And when you don't have enough hormones, it's going to affect your mental capacity,
28:30
your memory, maybe your alertness.
28:31
So lower estrogen can contribute to vaginal dryness, too.
28:35
I had a problem with that. However, if you're with the right guy,
28:38
your vaginal dryness problems tend to go away.
28:40
But there's different types of lubricants you can use. The O-Shot kind of helps a little bit.
28:46
If you've heard of the O-Shot, it's a shot to help with vaginal dryness and.
28:50
Libido and it basically allows you to have better orgasms when you're older.
28:55
Your tissue changes down there too so estrogen is important to make sure the
28:59
tissue stays supple and it'll help your comfort during sex because if you're dry
29:04
or your tissue is getting thinned out it's going to hurt and if sex hurts guess
29:08
what your brain learns that sex is painful and your brain doesn't want to have it anymore.
29:13
If sex equals pain you're going to be like nope I'm not into it.
29:16
Your brain isn't going to enthusiastically request more of something that's
29:20
hurting you every single time, figure out what you need to do.
29:22
There's even red light therapy that people are doing now for the skin inside.
29:26
I've seen those types of tools.
29:28
There's a lot of things you can do. And hormones change.
29:31
Changes can also interact with your mood, even your sleep. If you're having
29:35
the sleep problems that we talked about earlier, that can be a hormone issue,
29:38
especially your progesterone and then your sexual desire, of course.
29:42
And a lot of women don't realize that you may need to look at hormone therapy
29:45
in your low young 40s or even late 30s.
29:49
Because testosterone may be relevant for some women as well,
29:51
earlier than you think. Our testosterone goes down as well.
29:55
And evaluating and treating low sexual desire requires individual medical assessment.
30:00
You need to have your blood work done. It needs to be tracked every single month.
30:03
It's not a rather chasing the latest fix or a lab number.
30:09
It's not just how your numbers are, it's also how you feel.
30:13
And if intercourse suddenly hurts or if you're dry down there or you've lost.
30:18
Your sexual desire, your libido may have changed dramatically because of the pain.
30:22
So talk to your gynecologist or a clinical expert. There are also specialists
30:27
that specialize in hormones and menopause and all types of sexual medicine.
30:33
This is part of life. Sex is a normal part of life.
30:36
When you're not having sex with your partner, it's a sad thing.
30:40
You want to make sure that sex is good. There are treatments for many of these
30:43
problems. If your doctor dismisses your sexual complaint, then you might need
30:47
to find a different doctor. If they just say, oh, you're getting older,
30:50
your sex is going to decline. No, no, no, no.
30:53
And I'm in my 50s, ladies, and I'm letting you know that my sexual desire has increased greatly.
30:58
You're allowed to find another doctor if they're dismissing you.
31:01
It's kind of like if you're with a boyfriend and they're dismissing you,
31:05
it might be time to find another boyfriend as well.
31:07
Sexual health doesn't have an expiration date. You can have sex,
31:11
ladies, well into your 80s, 90s.
31:14
There are women having sex in retirement homes.
31:17
I will say it's easier to have sex with a younger man because a lot of times
31:21
men, their sexual desire may be there, but their stuff may not work anymore.
31:26
Or it may take a lot longer to get it active. Ladies, once men pass 55 or 60,
31:32
they may have some issues.
31:34
So realize that even with testosterone, some men will have problems later on in life.
31:39
If you're single and dating, maybe look a little younger.
31:42
Because we can have sex a lot longer than men can, unless they have assistance,
31:47
if that makes sense. And then check your medications. This one surprises people.
31:50
Certain medications can affect your libido.
31:53
It can also affect how your orgasms and your sexual response.
31:57
Antidepressants are also well known for sexual side effects.
31:59
So if you're on any antidepressants, take a look at that.
32:02
Because medications, it can affect your desire. It can affect your arousal, your orgasms as well.
32:08
So if your libido changed around the same time you started a medication or maybe
32:12
a few weeks after, don't assume that the timing is just coincidence.
32:17
And also don't just abruptly stop the medication because that can be bad too.
32:21
But talk to whoever prescribed it and say, hey, does this medication affect
32:25
my libido? You can also look it up online because a lot of times it does.
32:28
But don't stop cold turkey.
32:30
But it's a legitimate medical question. But stop waiting for spontaneous desire.
32:35
You might have had spontaneous desire or looked at a guy when you're in your
32:38
20s and say, wow, I'm ready to go.
32:40
But you may not have that later on in life. You may need a little bit of effort put in.
32:45
This may be one of the most important concepts that this entire episode is that
32:48
a lot of us think that desire is supposed to happen like this.
32:51
That we have desire and then they touch us and they get us aroused.
32:56
Maybe they have oral sex with you or some type of foreplay and then you have sex.
33:00
But for most people, especially in long-term relationships, desire can be more responsive.
33:06
It seems more like this. So you have a connection, and then they touch you,
33:09
and then you're aroused.
33:11
And then you have desire. It may take that connection and the respect,
33:16
again, the mental focus, in order to have that desire.
33:20
You weren't necessarily walking in thinking about, oh, I need sex,
33:23
but then you're connected, and then they touch you, and that might lead to something.
33:27
But then you start kissing, you're relaxed, if your body's relaxed,
33:30
and suddenly you're like, oh, hello, I'm excited.
33:33
That doesn't mean forcing yourself to have sex that you don't want,
33:36
because consent always matters, ladies. But it means recognizing that you don't
33:40
necessarily have to begin at maximum desire. You can have a little bit of desire
33:44
and get turned on on the way.
33:45
So sometimes desire develops after you enjoy a little bit of touching and then
33:51
intimacy begins and then you get more desire as you go about it.
33:54
So here's another big one for me. I'm an Aquarius and I really don't like having
33:59
sex the same way every time.
34:01
And I've been with men that do and it gets a little boring. So I try to spice
34:05
it up. You need that connection too. A lot of people like to cuddle afterwards.
34:08
You need to let them know what you like and that you want some variety.
34:13
Sometimes you tell them and they don't listen. It's a little hard with men that
34:17
aren't very creative, but you need to drive those relationships as well.
34:22
And you need to drive the bedroom, not just the men. So when everybody wonders
34:26
why desire disappears, well, let's try to spice it up a little bit.
34:30
Because your brain does like novelty. And novelty doesn't mean you need to completely
34:34
reinvent your sex life over and over again every week because there are habitual
34:38
things, especially if you're having sex every day.
34:40
And a lot of people in their 50s are having sex every day, especially if they have a high sex drive.
34:45
So if you're having sex every day, a weekend away, maybe go on a trip or go
34:50
to a different room or have a date night, give each other a massage or...
34:54
Put on some new lingerie and open up about your fantasies. I think a lot of
34:58
times people don't talk about their fantasies enough.
35:01
I have some crazy fantasies that I'm not going to discuss here,
35:05
but there are a lot of fantasies that people have and people don't want to talk about.
35:10
Take a little bit more time. I know we are so rushed because we have so much
35:14
going on. And it's like, okay, we only have 20 minutes or the kids are going to be home in a half hour.
35:19
You're so rushed to have sex that sometimes you need to take time for each other.
35:24
And also change who initiates it. I was in a relationship where I felt like
35:28
I was always initiating.
35:30
I said, look, I'm not going to push anymore because I feel like I'm initiating all the time.
35:33
And his sex drive was way lower than mine. I felt like I needed to stop initiating
35:38
all the time and let him drive more. One of the things is that we had sex less,
35:42
but at least I think he felt more in control of the situation.
35:46
But you also need to be more playful. So start flirting again. Remember flirting.
35:50
People flirt consistently and constantly while you're dating.
35:53
Do you touch each other's hands? Do you come up behind and snuggle them?
35:57
Do you play with them a little bit? All that flirting is fun stuff that helps a relationship.
36:02
It helps develop a deeper bond with your partner.
36:04
And hopefully gives you more of a flirtatious thing and leads to more intimacy.
36:09
Because people that flirt constantly while dating, they sometimes stop completely
36:13
once they're in a committed relationship, which is so sad.
36:16
You should be flirting with your partner through your marriage for the rest of your life.
36:21
There should be so much fun with that partner that it never stops.
36:24
I really believe that. If it's already stopped and you're still dating,
36:28
don't expect it to just pick up because you got married.
36:30
Remember what you're marrying into. If you don't like the touching,
36:33
that's fine. some people's love language is not touching.
36:35
Find out what you do enjoying. Make sure you're both on the same page and don't
36:39
stop dating the person you're sleeping with.
36:41
You should still be going on dates. It shouldn't be boring at home either.
36:44
There's a 48-hour libido reset that I found that I wanted to share.
36:48
So if your libido has disappeared, this is something practical that you can
36:51
do. It's not a miracle cure. It's not a hormone hack. It's just an experiment.
36:55
So protect your sleep tonight. And what you're going to do is going to make
36:57
sure you get at least eight hours of sleep.
36:59
Some people say they don't need it, but I'm saying if you can get whatever optimal sleep is better.
37:04
So give yourself enough time to actually rest, okay? Then tomorrow,
37:07
move your body. Go weightlifting, swim, dance, stretch for sure,
37:11
especially as in our older age. I think we need the extra stretching.
37:13
Then reduce your mental load for the day. Just take it easy. Maybe have a spa day.
37:18
Finish something that's been hanging over you that you already delegated out,
37:21
or go for a spa day and take care of yourself.
37:23
Do something that makes you feel attractive. Maybe get your hair done,
37:26
new clothes, different grooming, whatever works for you.
37:29
Then create anticipations in your partner, some flirtatious texts.
37:33
Sometimes you need to remind him that you're lovers too, not just merely...
37:37
Household co-workers. So say, hey, you want to come home and have some fun or you want to play?
37:43
Don't just give them tasks to do all the time. Then remove the performance requirements.
37:47
So here's the thing. I think touch doesn't automatically have to become intercourse,
37:51
but you should invent new ways of enjoying each other. Kiss,
37:55
massage, cuddle. Explore each other's bodies. Take pressure off the outcome.
38:00
It's kind of nice to see what they enjoy and ask them, talk to them about it,
38:04
And then play attention to what happens. Did your desire increase as you talked to each other?
38:08
Did you feel nothing happened? Did you want to do something different?
38:12
Did you try new toys? Did you feel irritated when your partner touched you or
38:16
did it gross you out? I mean, that's happened to people too.
38:19
Do you want intimacy but your body wasn't responding? That might be a sign that
38:22
there's a hormonal issue.
38:24
If there's different clues, you need to write them down and record it.
38:27
But your libido is your information about your body.
38:31
So listen to it. If your libido suddenly disappears, ask yourself,
38:35
what changed immediately before it happened? So did your sleeps change?
38:38
Did your stress increase? Did you start a new medication?
38:41
Menopause is also a big one. Are your menopause systems getting higher?
38:45
Or is sex uncomfortable? Are you having pain?
38:48
And if you're in a relationship, did something change in a relationship?
38:51
Did you start losing trust?
38:53
I know I was in a relationship where I found out my boyfriend was cheating on
38:57
me, and that affects your trust. Did you stop feeling connected because you're
39:01
reading their body language or something?
39:03
Did your body image change? Have you gained weight? I know in relationships,
39:06
sometimes people gain weight, and it does decrease your image of yourself.
39:10
Remember that it's about mental as well as physical it's also about routine
39:16
don't make don't allow the sexual routine to become boarding boring or are you
39:19
simply just exhausted I think exhaustion is probably the number one killer
39:24
of sex drive at least it was for me when I was exhausted it was it wasn't happening
39:29
it's really hard for me to want to have sex when I haven't slept and I just
39:32
worked 12 or 14 hours it's really hard and I came home to clean and,
39:36
because my partner didn't do anything, and it's just exhausting.
39:40
Instead of asking what's wrong with me, ask what has changed in my life?
39:43
What can I fix? What can I delegate out?
39:46
What can I hire out? I mean, if you're working a lot, can you get a cleaning
39:49
person? If you're working a lot, I mean, and you have enough money, can you get a cook?
39:53
Can you have a friend drive your kids and pick them up to school?
39:56
See ways if you can start delegating, especially if you're exhausted.
40:00
We should not be this exhausted in our 40s, but for some reason,
40:02
ladies, I think we take on way too much stuff. Learn to say no to people.
40:05
You don't have to go to every dinner party.
40:07
After 40, it's not supposed to look exactly like our libido did in our 20s,
40:12
but I think my libido is stronger than it was in my 20s because I'm more relaxed.
40:17
I'm not as stressed as I was, and I can take time to have the sex that I want to have.
40:22
I think sex in our 40s, 50s, and 60s is amazing. I know part of the reason why I,
40:28
a lot of men are wanting to date women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s now is because
40:32
women know what they want.
40:34
A lot of women in their 20s don't even want to have sex anymore.
40:36
There's something going on with the 20-year-olds. I don't know what that is.
40:39
Anyway, don't automatically think that you have to perform.
40:44
Sometimes it's actually better in your later age, though, because you know your
40:47
body. You know what you like. You're more comfortable.
40:50
You definitely can communicate better. You're far less interested in pretending
40:54
meteor-ochre sex was fantastic. If the guy sucks that sex, don't fake it.
40:58
If it wasn't good, don't fake it.
41:00
Mediocre sex to me is sex that's just always the same over and over again.
41:04
But you need to liven it up. You both do.
41:07
Don't fake your orgasms, ladies, because if you fake them, they're going to
41:10
think that you have them. If you fake your orgasms, a lot of guys can also tell.
41:14
So you'll have experience later on in life. Your sexual desire is influenced
41:18
by your brain, your body, sleep, stress, hormones, health, the environment and your relationship.
41:24
Remember that desire has so many levels and so many things that will determine
41:30
whether you want to have sex or not.
41:33
Remember this, you're not just getting older, you got to investigate,
41:36
you got to drill down, and remember these specific five things.
41:39
The first thing you need to do is fix your sleep because that's the foundation
41:42
before assuming your libido is broken. Reduce your stress load and your mental
41:46
overload and then deal with any resentment outside of the bedroom.
41:49
Make sure that you guys are on the same page and that you're in a loving relationship.
41:53
Life is too short, I will say, to be in a relationship where there's not enough
41:57
love or you're being disrespected. It's just too short.
42:01
You need to find somebody that will respect you or go to counseling and get
42:05
the respect back that you need.
42:07
Create novelty and newness in the bedroom and anticipate. Instead of waiting
42:10
for spontaneous desire, try to create the desire that you need.
42:14
Sometimes it takes time to redevelop it.
42:16
Then get medical for any pain, dryness, or changes to loss of desire.
42:21
And any medication. So I'm kind of wrapping up now, but most importantly,
42:25
don't stop treating sexuality like something women are supposed to quietly surrender
42:30
at as they age, because I know so many women that are having amazing sex, ladies.
42:35
It's amazingly satisfying. A lot of women in their 40s, 50s,
42:38
and 60s, there are libido increases.
42:40
You may just have to learn what turns you on. Instead of trying to recreate
42:45
how you were in your 20s, just figure out what turns you on and gets you excited.
42:49
And frankly, you might be a lot more interested in sex now than you ever were
42:53
before. If this episode made you immediately think of a girlfriend or has said,
42:58
I just don't want sex anymore, send it to her. Just say, hey, I got something for you.
43:02
And follow Diva Details for more conversations about love, sex,
43:06
relationship, success, menopause, and what life really looks like for women over their 40s.
43:12
Because getting older doesn't mean becoming invisible in life.
43:15
You should be shining. You should be thriving.
43:18
And it certainly doesn't mean the fun is over. This is Diva Mia.
43:21
I hope you have a wonderful week. Stay strong and live large. Take care.
43:43
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