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Dating After Divorce - How To Know You're Ready... Or Not · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to today's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to talk about dating, specifically dating after divorce, and even more specifically, how to know that you're ready to start dating after divorce.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: How to know you're really ready to get back out there and start dating after your divorce.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Carrie Sackville, in her book Out There, A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife, has one rule that she says that you need to live by if you're dating after divorce or dating in midlife.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually will echo it here.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And her one rule is look after you.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Look after you.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Everything else flows from that rule.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure you are happy and comfortable and behaving in ways that are aligned with your values.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Everything else will flow from that.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Look after you.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to yourself and choose for you.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be plenty of people who will offer their opinion or want to live vicariously through your dating experience.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Plenty of people who tell you what you should and shouldn't do.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to yourself, choose for you and look after you.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not ready or you're not in a space where you can really make yourself make you the number one priority in your dating experience, then maybe you're not ready yet.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You really need to be confident and comfortable with who you are, you know, willing to be open and vulnerable and show up as who you are from the start.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, you do risk attracting someone who thinks you're other than you are, other than you are, or different from who or what you are, and that really is just a waste of your time and energy.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Dating also requires a certain amount of vulnerability, being okay with uncertainty, being okay with hearing no thank you, or facing outright rejection of not being someone else's cup of tea and really being okay with that.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it requires that you are ready basically to face rejection.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Remember too, and this is probably my second rule for dating, if you want rules to live by, remember that dating should be fun, it should be enjoyable.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sure, there are challenges and it's scary and it's stretchy, especially if you're coming out of a long-term partnership or a marriage or relationship and you're doing it for the first time in maybe years.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: But remember it's meant to be fun, and if it's not, if the challenges and the scary parts are outweighing the fun, maybe you're not quite ready, or you need to hit pause on it for a little while.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now to some of the signs, dating, ready or not, some of the things that indicate that you maybe are ready to step out into the scary world of dating after divorce.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Scary but fun.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's clarify.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Scary but fun.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have done the work, you need to have healed emotionally, you need to have given yourself enough time and space to grieve, to process and heal from the emotional wounds of your marriage, your relationship, and your divorce.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be in a space where you feel emotionally stable and secure.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: You've given yourself that time to process all the emotions because you've likely experienced the lot.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, grief, anger, sadness, maybe even relief.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: But you want to feel like you're in a relatively stable emotional state and you're not carrying significant emotional baggage from your marriage, from your relationship, or from your divorce.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we're all going to carry baggage, particularly if we're of a certain age.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've been through a lot and you're going to be carrying baggage, but you need to have given yourself the time and space to heal emotionally so that you can be open to new connections.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just trying to numb or block out the big hard feelings.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're not holding on to a lot of negative feelings towards your ex-partner.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You've forgiven them or you're in the process of forgiving them, you've forgiven yourself for any mistakes made during the marriage.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You've done the work, you've done the healing.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you and I both know that healing is not a finite thing.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: You will continue to heal, you'll continue to change, you'll continue to process.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing like dating to bring up all the things for you.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: But to start to start to step out into the dating arena, you really need to have done some of that work for yourself and be a little bit further down the track in terms of your healing.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sign number two that you are ready to start dating is that you are comfortable, and I mean really, really comfortable being alone.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You're comfortable in your own company, you're comfortable being alone.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might want, but you don't need to date.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't feel a pressing need to be in a relationship to feel complete or validated or whole.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're really content and comfortable spending time by yourself.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Being alone doesn't scare you or fill you with dread.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're comfortable, really comfortable, being alone.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just wanting to date to fill a void in your life.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just wanting to date because you feel lonely and you want to fill that void or numb the pain of your separation.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: You are happy and comfortable and solid being alone.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: You also know your priorities, your values, your deal breakers, your non-negotiables.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've figured out what you're looking for.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And in in my work with clients, I call this defining the container.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you might have heard me say that on previous podcast episodes.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say defining the container, we're not defining the ideal human person you're looking for, but describing and defining the relationship you're seeking to co-create.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, are you after casual or committed?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: What are you looking for in a partner?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're going out looking for a life partner, what does that look like?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What does that container look like?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, of course, it involves looks and physical attraction, but what is really most important to you?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: What qualities are your bottom line?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: What are your deal breakers?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: What values are most important for you?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: What values does that relationship sit in or hold?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So knowing what you're looking for and what's really important to you and what you won't tolerate, what your deal breakers are, figuring that out first will save you from wasting time with someone who's not going to be a good match in the long run.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've also done the work to know the difference between settling and compromise.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know what it feels like to settle, and you know what it feels like to compromise.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're willing and able to speak up for yourself or to walk away rather than stay where you have to settle, whether that's on a first date or the tenth date.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you've worked out what's important to you, you know what your deal breakers are, and you're ready to walk away rather than settle.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that could be 10 minutes into a first date or after date number 10 or after a year.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You are not willing to settle.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you know your worth, you know what you're looking for, you've defined the container, and yes, you'll compromise in a relationship, but you will not compromise values and priorities and things that are most important to you.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Next indicator is around grief and growth, and this ties in with having done the work.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Have you given yourself enough time or any time to grieve the breakdown of your relationship?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Have you given yourself enough time to grieve?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone's timeline is going to be different, there's no set date or time frame, it's about you and how you feel.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't be open to a new relationship in healthy ways if you're still caught up in the emotions of the old one.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are still angry and hurt and bruised by the breakup, and that's all you can think about, if you're still dragging things up, reliving the past and unpacking what went wrong, what you did, what he did, she did, what you didn't do, if you're still angry with your ex, then maybe you're not quite ready.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you haven't given yourself enough time.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: If, however, you have moved through the grief, the anger, the hurt, and you're at a place where you're no longer angry, or at least not all the time, with your ex and all he or she's done or continues to do.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you've moved through that and you've processed some of the grief and you've given yourself some time and space, then perhaps you're ready.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Another indicator is that you know yourself on a really deep level.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this ties back to doing the work.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, doing the work is an umbrella term, everything else sits under it.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: But you've really supercharged your sense of self, you've re-evaluated who you are, where you're headed, you've reset and rebuilt your self-esteem and self-confidence because let's face it, that takes a knock.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can feel really wobbly after a separation, divorce.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You've given yourself the time and space to really reconnect with you, to really get to know yourself again or more intimately or in a new way on that really deep level, and this really helps you work out what your values are, what your deal breakers are.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Have you defined or redefined after separation, divorce, your values, your goals, your hopes, your dreams?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because the life that you thought you were going to have is now looking quite different.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: So have you really dug deep and worked out what is important to you?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Values, goals, hopes, dreams?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you really clear on what you want out of your life and not just what you want in a partner, not just what you're looking for in a date?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a really strong sense of yourself, of who you are, and know what you want in life?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not actually seeking a relationship to define your identity.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that ties back to you've done the work, you're happy and comfortable, um, flying solo, being alone.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um can you say that you are healed and whole and solidly standing in your own power as a single person that you don't need anyone to complete you?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're already complete, and you know yourself on a deep level, you know what's important to you, you know where you're headed, you know how you want life to look and feel, and a partner or a date is a complement to that.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Have you identified patterns and learned lessons from your past relationships?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Have you identified your patterns of connection and relationship?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Can you see how they've informed your past decisions or choice of partners?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know, you know, perhaps that your relationship or relational pattern has been X in the past and you know how to recognise it and recognize the red flags?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Can you honestly say you've done the healing, you're confident in your ability to not repeat the patterns?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So you so to be able to not repeat it, you need to recognise if there has been patterns, if there have been places where you've stepped over your own knowing, you've ignored your intuition, or you just fall back into a pattern of relating because it feels comfortable, because it feels like home to you.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And we all know that these patterns, wounds, or relationship patterns, attachment patterns, they'll be activated and triggered whenever we next step into the dating world, into a relationship.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: So knowing, so the knowing is one part, and the choosing to do differently, the watching for your own flags and recognizing when you tip into those old patterns of connection and engagement, and actively choosing to do relationships differently is the second part.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's the crucial second part.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Making a really conscious effort to do relationship differently and to not necessarily just fall back into your old patterns because they're known.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: They're known, they feel safe, they feel comfortable.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know how to be the ex to this person's Y?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know how to be in this type of relationship, but is it a healthy functional relationship?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this ties back to defining the container.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: What does your ideal relationship look and feel like?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And how have relationship patterns in or attachment styles and family of origin wounds, all the things, how have those informed your previous relationships and what needs to shift or change or be done differently going forward?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And another part of that is what lessons have you learned from your past relationship and divorce?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Have you made the necessary changes?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Have you taken time to reflect on your past relationships?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: You've got a clear understanding of what contributed to the relationship breakdown, the divorce, you've learned from your experiences and you've taken personal responsibility.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: You've unpacked your part in the relationship and in the divorce.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're really clear on what is yours to own.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: You've taken personal responsibility for your part, even if it is as simple as acknowledging that you welcomed or attracted this person into your life.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You've owned whatever your part in building the relationship and the breakdown of the relationship was.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: You've taken personal responsibility and you've actually learned the lessons from that part of your relationship and divorce.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: You understand and you've really unpacked your part in the breakdown, the dysfunction of your relationship or your marriage.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you've done your part of the work.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you understand your part, you're able to recognize the patterns and where you stepped over your own knowing, ignored red flags, ignored your own intuition, silenced yourself, whatever it was, and you're confident you're not going to keep making the same dating or relationship mistakes without learning from them.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Can you, or are you comfortable and confident that you can set and hold healthy boundaries?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can assert your boundaries or stick to them with other people.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you're willing to walk away when someone is not good for you.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're also willing to hold yourself accountable to your own boundaries and not transgress them yourself.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've done your work, you've done the healing, you've defined your container, are you willing and able to hold healthy boundaries around what that looks and feels like for you when you step out into the dating world with yourself, with other people.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call, if this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: If your divorce is not yet finalized, if you're still negotiating, if you're still working through settlement, property settlement, or child caring arrangements, if your divorce is not yet finalised, is it at least at a place where you can keep it clean and clear?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Can you keep your dating life clean from your divorce?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you confident that you won't drag someone else into your divorce and you won't complicate your divorce with an outsider's needs or opinions?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: You won't uh traumatize another person because you're not clear of your divorce, you're still in the mess of it.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let your adventures into dating be free from any of the messiness of your divorce.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if you think, if your ex is still really dominating your thoughts constantly, it's all they can all you can think about, if you're still really in the in the trenches or the messy middle part of your divorce and it is taking up a whole lot of your time, effort, energy, um, maybe you're not really ready to divorce.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you are dating and the person is and the person you're dating is in the middle of their own shitstorm of a divorce, ask yourself if that's really something you want to take on or need in your life.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you have the emotional and mental capacity or energy to have that in your life.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: So are you clean and clear and open and have the time and the space and the energy to date?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And is the person you're dating in a similar situation?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Also, where are you at financially?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Have you got your money stuff sorted?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Are you really clear on your financial position or are you in scarcity or fear mindset?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because your mindset, even around money, is going to affect the energy that you put out into the dating world.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So don't go looking for someone to commit to.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, a bit of fun is fine, but we all know a bit of fun can tip into something more serious when um when attraction blossoms into feelings.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: So are you in a position where you are clean and clear from your divorce, including having your finances sorted and the other person is too.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna be brutally honest here.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't have your money stuff sorted, it can be tempting to connect up with somebody who does have their money stuff sorted because it creates safety around us.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I strongly encourage my one-to-one clients, and I'm gonna strongly encourage you as a listener, get clean and clear, get your money stuff sorted, be financially independent and empowered before you connect up with another human.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Next, I want to talk about communication because when we boil it all down, a lot of relationships break down because of our communication styles, our inability to move through conflict and repair well.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're considering getting back out into the dating world, are you really able to communicate clearly?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Are you really able to express your wants and needs?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing and able to speak up and have the hard conversations?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to say no and walk away?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Can you articulate your needs, your boundaries, and your feelings without fear?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a strong indication of emotional maturity and readiness for dating after divorce if you can, if you can clearly articulate your needs, your boundaries.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say without fear, I don't mean fear for physical safety.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean fear of rejection, fear of um breaking a connection, all of that stuff.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to be able to confidently speak up and communicate.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be unwilling to silence yourself, to be liked or accepted or to avoid the rejection that is inherent in dating.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Also, are you willing to be the rejecter?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to say, no, thank you, this is not for me?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um are you able and willing to ask questions?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because after all, how else will you get to know someone new?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: How else will you get to know about this person?
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to dig deep and have open conversations and then decide yes or no and stick to the values, the container that you've defined for yourself?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to communicate openly about who you are, what you want, what you're looking for, be that a long-term partner or a casual, um, a casual fling?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And while you don't have to lay it all out on the first day, it is, as I said earlier, um it's really important to show up openly and honestly and authentically.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Alanda Botton says intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone and finding that that's okay with them.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay to share, well, it is okay, of course it's okay.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be okay and willing to share your true self, your you know, your messy imperfections, talk about your quirks, talk about what you've learned from past dating or relationship experiences without dumping that into the first um the first date and it being all about your relationship breakdown, your divorce.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, sharing about your And talking about yourself openly.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: What's important to you, what your deal breakers are, what you like, what you enjoy.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's really crucial to getting to know someone and them getting to know you and you working out whether this is someone you want to explore a connection on a deeper level with.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important that you are actually genuinely excited about the prospect of dating.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're excited and open, but yes, ready, ready for rejection, as I said.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's an inherent part of the process.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're excited about meeting new people and you're open to it being a process.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're open to it being enjoyable rather than a torture.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're open to it about to, you're open to it being about meeting new people and making connections rather than just finding the one person.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you're excited, you're open, but you have clear and realistic expectations.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you're ready to say no and to be told no, thanks.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're prepared for being rejected, maybe ghosted or treating being treated less than we would like, less than in less than ideal ways.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're willing to try new things and step out of your comfort zone.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're not afraid to take chances and you've already leaned into some stretchy stuff.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I'm talking about divorce when I say stretchy hard stuff, but I'm also talking about you know the post-divorce stuff.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've you've expanded your social circles already, you've perhaps re-ignited old friendships or made new ones, you've stepped into hobbies and activities and experiences that push you a little bit out of your comfort zone already.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: You've already got a full rich life, and a partner would be an as well as a bonus, not a necessity.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you've stretched yourself already, you've pushed yourself, you've got out there, extended yourself, and that's a huge sign that you're ready to jump into the dating world again, that you're ready to give and receive love again.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a partner at your side to do these stretchy or scary things, but it would be a nice as well as.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, dating doesn't have to be about finding the one, which again loops back to to find the container.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that you're looking for?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are you looking for casual sex?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Are you looking for someone just to hang out with every so often, or are you actually looking for a long-term partner?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Being really clear about that means that you can say yes, thank you, no, thank you, and walk away from someone who is looking for something completely different to what you're looking for.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is really important to know that you will be able to stay true to yourself, that you will be able to stay true to yourself throughout the dating journey process, that you can be authentic and genuine in your interactions with others, you can trust your instincts, you'll listen to your intuition when deciding about first dates, future dates, potential partners.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um when you ask yourself why you think you might be ready to date, if the why is because you have taken the time to heal, you know you want to date more than that you feel like you need to date, or someone else is pushing you to date, uh, you're willing to feel all the emotions involved in dating in, the good, the bad, you you're ready for it all, and you know what you're looking for, then they are really good signs that you're ready.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: You are also committed to your own personal healing and growth more than you are committed to any other person, any potential new relationship, any date, anything.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: You are not willing to drop this when the next shiny date comes along.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are committed to your own personal healing and growth more than you are to any other person or any other relationship.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you will trust your gut.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you know that you can trust yourself to follow your intuition, if anything feels wrong or uncomfortable, you will leave.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: You will not step over your own knowing or you ignore those gut reactions, then perhaps you're ready.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: If, however, your gut says, not quite ready to date, trust that too.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: If it says, maybe explore that.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are already dating, listen to your gut, listen to your instinct, your intuition, whatever you call it, and listen the first time your gut or your intuition tells you something, tells you that something isn't quite right.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: People show us who they are.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: We just have to believe what they show us, not necessarily what they tell us.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: I also want you to remember that life as a single person can be completely awesome, especially if you've stepped out of a long-term relationship, especially if you felt like you were holding a lot of the mental emotional load of that relationship, even the physical load.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping out of a long-term relationship can free you from all that and it can be awesome.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's your reality right now, I really encourage you to live your life.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't live it in some sort of limbo waiting to find your next partner or another person.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're not in a holding pattern waiting for life to begin again once you're in a new relationship or a new partnership.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is your life.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: And as I always say to my one-to-one-on clients who are maybe thinking about dating but aren't sure if they're ready, just get out there and live your life.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do the things that excite you, that light you up, that fill your heart, that bring you joy because you never know who else is out there doing those exact same things.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are ready to date, get out there and enjoy it.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's supposed to be fun.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that and remember to stay true to you.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: Be kind to yourself and remember the number one rule: look after you.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not quite ready, just get out there and live your awesome single life.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaim and liberate yourself from whatever has been holding you back from that life.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Get out there, live it.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, you never quite know who else is out there doing the things that you love that you might just bump into or bump up against.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who is maybe thinking about dating again after separation, relationship breakdown, or divorce, please share this with them.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love it if you would rate, review, subscribe to the podcast, and share it with anybody you know who would benefit from hearing it so we can get it in the ears of everybody who needs to hear it.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.