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RESPONSIBILITY = FREEDOM! · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Looking forward to our time together today.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Want to uh revisit some of the things and just keep building on this idea of breaking habits, breaking out of destructive cycles of thought, belief in your heart, and behavior.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thought, belief, and behavior.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the things that run together, uh, trigger play off of each other.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to go back to what we talked about two weeks ago in my my own, what I would call my biggest ongoing struggle.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to use that to try to highlight two things.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: What we're after today are two things.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Two things that you need to learn to do.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that is, number one, own own your responses.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, you can't you can't control what other people do, but you can manage how you respond to what other people do.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can't control what other people do, but you can manage your responses to what other people do.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a phenomenally important skill to learn.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So two things we're after today.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Own your responses.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And number two, name the need.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Name the need.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Own, I want to own my response, and I want to name the need.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that'll make sense to you in just a minute.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to describe a situation to you, and it's it's uh it's sort of not real, but it's sort of real.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and I'm gonna be fairly vulnerable here.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to imagine I'm in a situation and um I'm with a group of my peers, that's important because it's a group of people that I want to be respected by, accepted by, approved by, um, all that kind of thing.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and maybe they start talking about someone's recent success, whether it's uh a breakthrough of some kind in their ministry, particularly if they do anything similar to what I do, maybe they've just written a book and their books come out, and uh and that's a touchy area for me because I feel like and have felt challenged and encouraged for years uh to write and have not been successful at that yet.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so so put the situation in context.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking to peers from whom I want acceptance, belonging, approval, etc.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And uh they start celebrating uh someone else's success, big or small.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And what I find is I don't re I don't I have I don't react well, I don't react like I think I should.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I automatically almost start like going into this like criticism, like yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but you know, I mean it can get as bad as, you know, who do they think they are, you know, uh somebody writes a book on counseling and they're a pastor, and uh I'll hear myself inside my own head.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I won't say it out loud typically.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe my wife will have to hear this, but I'll say, well, I mean, who do they think they are?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they they don't have the expertise, whatever.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm getting at is my my response is just not healthy, it's not godly, it's not God honoring, uh, it's not honoring the other person.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And um I want you to think about a cycle you get caught in, where you respond to someone.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Probably it's gonna be someone that you want or need something from.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You want or need their approval, their acceptance, uh, their love, their respect, whatever it is.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so what's going on there?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, we started a few weeks back talking about the habit cycle from the book Um Atomic Habits.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think his name's James Clear, C-L-E-A-R.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Really good book.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: But he talked about four stages of the habit cycle.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the stages are trigger, craving, and that's the one that he adds that I haven't seen very many other people use, and I really like it.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: In my situation, what's the trigger?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: The trigger is the conversation shifts from hey, what's up, to you know, whatever we're talking about, to talking about someone else's success in an area that I would like to be successful, but aren't have currently not succeeded, let's say.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And my response goes downhill.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So let's take the four stages: trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I told you at the beginning, what I want to do today, the goal today is to help you own your response and name the need.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So when I look at that cycle, and my goal is to own my response.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um obviously, did somebody else's um success um did that make me feel bad?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Did that make me spiral into these negative places?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: What did?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I like the craving.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: The trigger was the conversation, the craving.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Own your response.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: The key to owning your my response was how I thought, how I talked, how I started picking the person apart.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I talked two weeks ago about how I my ongoing struggle is is just being judgmental of leaders and other people that uh that I feel like aren't doing all they should do, or whatever.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So own your response.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: The trigger is the conversation.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: My response is this downward negative spiral.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's the craving?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the craving is quite honestly a craving to belong, a craving to be accepted, a craving to be competent, a craving to be seen as um, you know, worthy, valued, etc.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's what I mean by own your response.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You own your response by recognizing the trigger didn't cause your response.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: That conversation, the other fellow writing a book or break having a breakthrough in his business or whatever, or another, if you're a lady, that other lady looking better than the same dress you have or something.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the that's not the craving.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: The craving is you gotta get deeper.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I said this, I think last week, that I'm one of those guys that believes most of what we deal with in our adult life goes back to childhood.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, it was it goes back to my dad.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not blaming my dad.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm recognizing that early in life there was a sense placed in me that I did not measure up, I did not please, I did not impress, I did not engender and receive the value, the sense of acceptance and belonging, and the confidence and competence, sense of competence and competence, confidence that I wanted from my dad.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, where am I going?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if I own my response, if I look at that and say, okay, dude, let's just get real here, um, you know, you're the one doing this to yourself.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that but a key to owning my response, and that's what I'm the second thing I said for today, is name the need.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing I believe, and I've the more I've done this, the more I believe it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Most of what gets us in trouble is a right need we're trying to get met the wrong way.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right need, wrong source, wrong method.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, bottom line is in this situation, what am I saying?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the cycle.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: A triggering event stir initiates or stirs or pokes a craving, a need.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: When you hear craving, think need.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the need is just a sense, I need to feel belonging, I need to feel noticed, I need to feel valued, I need to feel appreciated and liked.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what are we talking about today?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Own your response.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're never gonna change your response unless you own it.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you keep thinking this way, well, if they would stop that, I'd quit responding this way.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not gonna happen.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your posture needs to be whatever happens around me, I'm responsible for how I respond to that.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what's gonna help you do that is ask God to help you, ask friends to help you, figure out what's the need, the craving that's triggering the way you're responding.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And again, in my example, the the need is a legitimate desire to be accepted, approved, uh, valued, respected, etc.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is I I'm I have wounds in that area, and it makes me respond out of fear, and so my response is driven by instead of if I can't go up, I gotta pull you down.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: If I've not found the ladder to feel better about myself, then I gotta make you look worse.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I've gotta own that cycle, I've gotta own that craving, I've gotta own my response.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that, a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big part of that, is naming the need that's underneath there, and then finding, with God's help and the help of others, finding a healthier way to get that need met.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll talk more about that over the next few weeks.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Own your responses, own them.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Name your need.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Name the need that's underneath that cycle driving it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.