Latest / The You Project / #2208 Wanting What We Don't Need - Harps

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#2208 Wanting What We Don't Need - Harps · The You Project

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I'll get a team. It's been a while, hasn't it.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It has been a while.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: I have been busy.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I have been away from the interwebs and podcast central
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and doing lots of things. As most of you know,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I won't bore you with this. I won't bang on
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: for too long and definitely not too often moving forward.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: But so my dad passed away, which most of you
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: know by now, some of you don't. It passed away on.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: August four, so the last.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Kind of twelve days or fourteen days ago or something, No,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: what was it August four? It was twelve days ago,
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  Speaker 1: and we put him to rest two days ago. I'm
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: recording this on Sunday. We put old Run in the
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: ground on Friday the fourteenth. We had a good time,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: as much as you could have. There's a lot of celebrating,
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  Speaker 1: a lot of tears, a lot of.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: Hugging, a lot of reflecting.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Yours truly tried to be stoic and the alpha male
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: and bloody bang on through the speech in the in
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: the chapel. He did not make it, not without crying.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I was, let's be honest, I was pathetic, but don't care,
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  Speaker 1: don't care. Did my best A few last few stories,
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  Speaker 1: few tears, few hugs, but it was a nice day,
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  Speaker 1: as nice as a funeral could be.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: It was nice.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: Little Mary, of course, eighty six year old thirty five
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: kilo four foot ten Mary was there, like the weapon
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  Speaker 1: that she is. She definitely survived much better than us
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  Speaker 1: sun did.
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  Speaker 2: She's stoic. She is stoic. You look up stoic, there'll
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  Speaker 2: be a picture of Mary.
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  Speaker 1: Anyway, she was there doing the thing and bless.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: Her little socks. So that is that. Do I need
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: to apologize?
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I probably don't, So I'm not going to say sorry,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I wasn't around for two weeks. I'm just going to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: say I wasn't around for two weeks.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: You know why? It's life? Huh, It's life. It really
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: gives us.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: A I don't know, everyone says this around funerals and
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: death and the proximity of death. But like it or not,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: and not for everyone, I guess, but like it or not,
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  Speaker 1: for many of us, it does make us hit the
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  Speaker 1: pause button and make us go what matters?
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: What's important? What am I focused on?
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  Speaker 1: And I haven't had any big, massive, spiritual or kind
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  Speaker 1: of psychological mind blowing revolution, but there's just been a
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  Speaker 1: lot of things that have come up that I've been
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: aware of that have made me very grateful, very grateful,
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  Speaker 1: not sad my overwhelming experience through this. You know, of
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: course there was sadness, and of course there was tears,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: and I'm worried. I'm not worried, but I'm more focused
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  Speaker 1: on Mum's okayness than mine. But just a lot of gratitude,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: you know, a lot of gratitude. And anyway I won. Boy,
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  Speaker 1: yes day, I was thinking about, you know, just how
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: much we focus on things we want, and then we
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  Speaker 1: chase the thing that we want, and then we we
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  Speaker 1: get the thing that we want, and then we get
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  Speaker 1: the thing that we want, we realize maybe the thing
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  Speaker 1: that we want isn't doing it for us.
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  Speaker 2: Like we thought.
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  Speaker 1: Once we get that thing, do that thing, have that thing,
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  Speaker 1: own that thing, achieve that thing, conquer that thing, change
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  Speaker 1: that thing. Then as a byproduct of that, I Am
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: going to somehow be different. And the different, of course
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: will be positive. And of course the positive difference is
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  Speaker 1: going to be sustained. It's going to be forever. If
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: only I can do that thing or get that thing,
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  Speaker 1: that thing that I want, that thing that I think
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: will provide that level of internal revolution or revelation or
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: transformation or happiness and vanna or whatever that is. And
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: you think about is to think about the whole practical
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: process of setting goals. Like a lot of what we're
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: about on this show is about how to do, be, create,
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  Speaker 1: how to achieve, how to recognize what's working and what's not,
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  Speaker 1: and a bit of self awareness and a bit of
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  Speaker 1: self kind of management and regulation and all of those things.
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  Speaker 1: And I was thinking how many things I've wanted over
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  Speaker 1: the years, And again, wanting stuff is not bad, So
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  Speaker 1: there's no condemnation, there's no judgment here. This is literally
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  Speaker 1: me thinking out loud. But the things so often that
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  Speaker 1: I chased turned out to be not the things at
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  Speaker 1: all that I needed. And when I'm sitting with somebody
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  Speaker 1: and I'm talking about you know where they are now
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  Speaker 1: and where they want to be. You know what they
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  Speaker 1: have and what they don't have, what they want, what
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  Speaker 1: they don't want. And you know when someone rocks up
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  Speaker 1: and they're here to see me because they want to
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  Speaker 1: in somehow be different, do different, produce different, Then there's
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: a whole interesting kind of network of conversations that can
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  Speaker 1: come out of that and you know that is almost
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  Speaker 1: I guess the overarching the commonality for you, my listeners.
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  Speaker 1: And some of you listen because you're just like listening
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  Speaker 1: and it's interesting.
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  Speaker 2: Some of you listen.
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  Speaker 1: Because it's a bit of background noise and maybe it's
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: mildly amusing, depending on who we're talking with or.
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  Speaker 2: What we're talking about.
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  Speaker 1: But a lot of you listen because on some level
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  Speaker 1: you want yourself or your life or part of your life,
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  Speaker 1: or the way that you operate or the way that
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  Speaker 1: you're producing or not producing the world you want shift
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: in that area. And so you know, I sit down
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: with people and we do a really fundamental.
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  Speaker 2: Goal setting process.
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  Speaker 1: And the goal setting process and by the way, when
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I say basic, this is basic. But it's like there's
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  Speaker 1: four things, and the four things in this order are
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  Speaker 1: what do you want?
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  Speaker 2: So one, there's the objective.
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  Speaker 1: What is the thing that you want to change or
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  Speaker 1: create or own or get or have or undo? What
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  Speaker 1: is the thing? The next point two is understanding why,
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  Speaker 1: so what do you want and why do you want it?
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  Speaker 1: And the key to these four steps, really the most
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  Speaker 1: important of the steps is this one, which you wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: think having a look at them, written on a whiteboard
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  Speaker 1: white how when you would maybe think what we're focused
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  Speaker 1: on or what we want is the most important, But
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: really the what isn't really what we want. I'll say
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: that again, the what we want is an really what
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  Speaker 1: we want. The what is just the conduit or the
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  Speaker 1: pathway to the thing that we really want.
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  Speaker 2: Let me be more.
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  Speaker 1: Clear and less fuck and confusing.
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  Speaker 2: Good.
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  Speaker 1: So when I say, for example, let's just go with
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: something that we all get money, we go what I
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  Speaker 1: want is I want fifty percent more money. So instead
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  Speaker 1: my income is x, I want X plus fifty percent.
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  Speaker 2: So that's very clearly the what more money is what
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  Speaker 2: I want.
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  Speaker 1: But the why behind that driver, the why behind that
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  Speaker 1: goal for fifty percent more money, is really what we want.
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  Speaker 1: So what I want is what I think the money
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  Speaker 1: will do for me. So, for example, I want less
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  Speaker 1: stress and less pressure and less financial angst. And I
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: want my partner and I or my kids or whatever
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  Speaker 1: to have more stuff. I want to be able to
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: go out for dinner more with my friends.
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  Speaker 2: I want to be able to get a.
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  Speaker 1: Less shit car, which I will if I'm earning fifty
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  Speaker 1: percent more money. I want less sleepless nights. I want
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  Speaker 1: more joy, I want more flexibility, I want more.
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  Speaker 2: Option, blah blah blah. That's what I really want.
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  Speaker 1: Well, they're the things that I really want, which I
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  Speaker 1: think will come or I believe will come as a
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  Speaker 1: by product of the money.
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  Speaker 2: That is the goal. The money is the goal. Number one.
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  Speaker 2: What do I want? I want more money? Cool too.
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  Speaker 2: Why do you want it? Well, I want it for
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  Speaker 2: all these reasons. So all these.
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  Speaker 1: Things less stress, less pressure, more flexibility, more ownership, blah
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  Speaker 1: blah blah, they're the things that I really want.
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  Speaker 2: So and then we could go a level deeper and
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  Speaker 2: we could go.
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  Speaker 1: Well, why do you want all that stuff? And the
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  Speaker 1: answer is well, I want to be happier or at
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  Speaker 1: the very least, I want to be less stressed. So
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  Speaker 1: there are layers to these things. But so this is
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  Speaker 1: a long segue. And number three and four, in case
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  Speaker 1: you're wondering, Number three is the how. So that's your strategy,
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  Speaker 1: you plan, Okay, this is what you want, this is
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  Speaker 1: why you want it.
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  Speaker 2: Three you know, how are you going to get it?
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  Speaker 1: What's your strategy? What's your plan? What's your to do list?
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  Speaker 1: What are you going to do first? What are the
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  Speaker 1: little things? What are the big things. And number four
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  Speaker 1: is your timeline. How long is it going to take?
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  Speaker 1: What are you going to do when? What are you
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  Speaker 1: going to do this week? What are you going to
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  Speaker 1: do next week? What do you want to do? Be
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: create in the first month, for six months, first year.
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  Speaker 1: So and this is just a good little structure to
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: kind of refer to. It's not the answer to anything,
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  Speaker 1: but it's a good It's great to have a structure.
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  Speaker 2: And a process with which we can.
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  Speaker 1: Immerse our kind of needs and wants to create the
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  Speaker 1: things that we believe will supercharge us or our life
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  Speaker 1: moving forward. Anyway, I was thinking, I do not know why,
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  Speaker 1: but I was thinking about I guess maybe off the
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: back of this deep week that I've just been through
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  Speaker 1: and thinking deeply about. You know, just know it sounds
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: weird and philosophical and cheesy and typical, but honestly, just
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: think about life and meaning and purpose and what it's about.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, like what we want, what we humans want?
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  Speaker 1: What we want versus what do we actually need? Though
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  Speaker 1: and not in a I did not do this. I
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: wasn't having this kind of kind of self reflection in
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  Speaker 1: a judgmental way or a critical way, but rather just
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: a self awareness way. You know, when you sit with
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: somebody who's dying, it's maybe you don't, maybe you.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: Do, but it is.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: It is uncomfortable, it is beautiful, it is insightful, it
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: is is. It is a state changer, it is a
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: mind changer. You don't in the proximity of that, you don't, well,
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  Speaker 1: I don't. I don't think like I do when I'm
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: just all of a sudden, I'm like, i have a
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: different filter through which I'm looking at everything, Like right now,
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  Speaker 1: I'm in this moment and I'm sitting with my dad
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  Speaker 1: and all these things are happening, and you know, it's
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: amazing what perspective that we have, or what inside or
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: awareness we have in certain moments in time. And of
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: course I'm not suggesting you wait until you're sitting by
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: somebody in that similar kind of scenario as me, but
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  Speaker 1: it's like, oh, I wish I could take I wish
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I could take this insight, or I wish I could
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  Speaker 1: take this level of awareness and perspective with me. And
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  Speaker 1: I've always tried to do that and to take it
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  Speaker 1: with me. And while I'm all into you know, I've
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  Speaker 1: built businesses, I've built brands, I've supported and helped and
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: coached people to do the same.
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  Speaker 2: I've been supported and.
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  Speaker 1: Coached people to be elite athletes and professional athletes and
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Olympians and AFL players and world class boxes and all
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: of those things. I've done all that, And am I
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: proud of that? Well, I'm content with that. That's a
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  Speaker 1: good thing, you know. But also, trying to help people
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: understand themselves, for me, is just as an important project
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: at helping someone win a gold medal. Me helping someone
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: to successfully understand their own mind, to understand their emotions,
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  Speaker 1: to understand their behaviors, to be able to change the
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: way that they operate and see the world, and to
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: become a different I don't mean physically, but a different
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: version of them with work and strength and insight and
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: resilience and adaptability, helping that person Like I'm not the answer,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just the coach. They're the answer because they're doing
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: the work. But all of that stuff just blows me
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  Speaker 1: away because eventually we are going to all realize that
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  Speaker 1: so much of the shit that we think we need,
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  Speaker 1: we don't.
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  Speaker 2: It's just what we want.
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  Speaker 1: So I was sitting having a coffee yesterday and I
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: started writing this piece. So the piece is too long
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: for a post. Sadly, If you write anything, let me
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: tell you quick insight before I jump in. If I
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: write things, especially on Instagram, that are more than about
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: twenty words, doesn't matter how great that piece might be.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Not saying I write great, but it will get next
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: to no attention. If I write seven words and two
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: of those seven words are swearing words, we'll get all
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: the traction in the world. If it's a bit funny,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: if it's a bit swear, if it's a bit inappropriate,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: if it's borderline offensive.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: Anyway, what's that about? All right?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: So anyway, I started writing this thing and I ended
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: up expanding it. It's not super long, but it's long enough.
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  Speaker 2: It's probably only about four or five minutes. It's a
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: good thing. I've been rambling on all this time up
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: until now.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: But so let me put on my specs so they're right, Yes,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: they are the right ones, all right. So this is
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: called what we need versus what we want? And see
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: if this resonates. I mean, don't let me tell you
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: what to do. But my advice is really try to
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: if you're busy, if you're rushing, this might not be
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: the time to hear this, But if you can find
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: a place where you can absorb this and think about this.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: I think it's not bec because I wrote it, just
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: because it's a truth that I think I believe it's truth.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Come on, Harps, you've got to qualify everything. It's a
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: truth that I think can be really valuable to all
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: of us. Okay, So it's called what we want versus
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: what we need. We want the thing we don't have,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: and quite often when we get the thing we didn't have,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: we realize it really isn't the thing we wanted it.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: But then we go, ah, we've got it now, and
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: it's like, ah, the internal state that we thought we'd
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: experience as a byproduct of achieving or acquiring that thing
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: isn't there. We thought something mystical and magical and beautiful
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: and transformational would happen in that internal world of ours
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: when we get that external thing, and then we find
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: that's not true time and time again. So we focus
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: on another thing that we want but don't have, and
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: then we get it that doesn't move the internal needle either,
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: and the journey of disaction dissatisfaction I'm not even going
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: to repeat that I'm not even going to edit it,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: fuck it, and then the journey of dissatisfaction and frustration continues.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: There's a disconnect between what we thought the achievement of
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: that thing would do for us mentally and emotionally and
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: the actual outcome. We seek to resolve and heal internal
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: issues with external outcomes, with stuff with status, with popularity,
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: with possessions, and sometimes we do that for decades and
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: then eventually begin to think about the thing we need,
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: not want, need, And for me, wisdom is recognizing the
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: thing that we want is often not the thing that
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: we need. In my twenties, I thought I needed big
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: muscles and awesome body. I thought I need to be
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: intimidating or attractive or impressive.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: Or all of that.
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  Speaker 1: All of that bullshit, And that is what I thought,
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: because that's what I thought would fix me in inverted comments.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: But the truth is I didn't need any of that.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I just wanted it what I actually needed. I didn't
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: need huge biceps of deltoids, nothing wrong with them, but
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I didn't need them. What I needed was confidence and
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: connection and contentment. And I needed self esteem and I
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: needed self worth and I needed self acceptance and I
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: needed self awareness and I needed love from others and
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: from me. So I thought better of myself if I
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: looked better, because my fucked up mind was that what
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: I look like is who I am. I get my
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: sense of self an identity through my appearance, because I'd
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: learned that, wow, if I look this way, I get
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: more attention to love and approval and conditioning unconditional kind
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: of acceptance wasn't a great lesson to learn. And so
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: then I translated that, because that was a moment in
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: time into Wow, how loved and how accepted and how
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: popular and all the things I'm going to be is
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: all about how I look, which is clearly a flawed hypothesis,
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: but that was mine. So my flawed belief was that
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: my internal navanna would be a byproduct of my physical metamorphosis.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: And yes, that hypothesis was wrong. It was broken.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Chasing internal peace through external validation, acceptance, or transformation for
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: me was a self limiting belief, and I should know
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: because I tested that hypothesis for a.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: Very long time.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: So but what it's worth here is my advice to you,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: before you chase the next thing, ask yourself what you're
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: really chasing, Like what do you believe that the achievement, possession, body, bank, balance,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: job title, relationship, or recognition will give you.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Do you think it will bring.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: You confidence or peace or the absence of anxiety or stress,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: or maybe it'll give you some more self worth or
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: belonging or enoughness.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I'm not enough.
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  Speaker 1: There's a scourge of that, isn't there, the lack of
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: enoughness in society? And maybe you think it will bring
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: you love because maybe the thing that you're pursuing is
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: simply the external representation of an internal need. And there's
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: nothing wrong with wanting more stuff right, or building more
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: or earning more dough or achieving more or climbing the
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: whatever ladder that none of that in and of.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: Itself is bad.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: Chasing the goal is not the bad is not bad,
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: you know, building the business behind the car getting ripped
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: and jacked looking amazing. But don't confuse any of that
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: with the medicine for an internal wound. Sometimes the most
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: important thing we can acquire isn't something that we can
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: own or show off or display to the world or
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: measure or post about. Sometimes what we're looking for isn't
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: out there. Sometimes it's in here. See you next. Time