Latest / Living Deeply with Markieta Carter / When Your Tears Are Met With Anger

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When Your Tears Are Met With Anger · Living Deeply with Markieta Carter

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Hey, it's Markita, and welcome back to the Living Deeply podcast.
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This episode is personal. I'm talking about something that happened to me recently,
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but I'm also talking about a pattern that took me back to experiences from my marriage.
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After this recent interaction, I wasn't just hurt. I was ashamed.
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I was humiliated. And for a while, I was more embarrassed about the fact that
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I cried that I was focused on what was actually said to me before I started crying.
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And I've had to sit with that because I realized I was telling myself an incomplete
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story. And the story wasn't simply I cried.
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The story was I was grieving. I was overwhelmed. I asked for help.
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I was called stupid. I was called manipulative. And I was called the worst person in the world.
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My motherhood was questioned.
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And I cried that's the whole story.
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During my marriage, I experienced infidelity, but when I say infidelity,
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I don't mean I'm talking about one isolated incident that happened one time,
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devastated me, and then we spent the rest of our lives or the rest of that marriage healing from it.
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The pattern of betrayal continued for more than 15 years.
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More than 15 years.
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That's important context for my story because when something happens repeatedly
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over that amount of time, you're not simply processing one discovery.
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You're processing what happened before. You're processing what just happened.
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And sometimes you're wondering whether or not it's going to happen again.
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For me, there was the sadness, the grief, the fear, the insecurity,
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the shame, the betrayal, the questions.
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And trying to understand how someone I loved could continue making choices that hurt me so deeply.
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The trying to figure out whether I could trust again, the trying to believe
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things would be different this time, and the trying to continue functioning,
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while internally I felt like parts of my life had completely fallen apart.
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And then another betrayal would reopen everything I thought I had started feeling.
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So when I talk about who I was emotionally during that period of my life,
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I have to give full context.
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I wasn't responding to one moment.
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I was living through a pattern that continued for more than 15 years.
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The betrayal just didn't happen once, and that's something I understand differently today.
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When betrayal is repeated, you don't necessarily get to finish processing one
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experience before another experience slaps you in the face and becomes part of the story.
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For me, there could be hope, there could be, then there could be another discovery,
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trying to rebuild trust, and then another reason to question it,
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trying to move forward, then finding myself hurt all over again.
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And every time, I still had to live life.
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I still had responsibilities. I still had to go to work.
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I still had children. I still had to function. I still had to wake up the next day and keep going.
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So yes, I experienced anxiety. And yes, I experienced depression. And yes, I cried.
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But when I look back at that version of myself now, I don't look at her in isolation
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anymore. I look at what she was living through alone, all by herself.
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There were times when my sadness became overwhelming, but instead of always
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experiencing patience while I processed what had happened, I was told, fix yourself.
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I was told to get over it or get out. Those words stayed with me because I remember thinking, fix what?
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I'm responding to being hurt.
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And not just once i was processed trying to process betrayal that became a repeated
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pattern in my relationship how did my response to being repeatedly hurt become
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the thing that i needed fixing,
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how did the conversation move from what has this repeated betrayal done to you
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to why aren't you over it yet and here's the part that feels almost impossible to ignore now I listened.
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Because I wanted the marriage to work.
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I wanted to keep my family together and I tried to fix myself.
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Not because I suddenly stopped hurting, not because the betrayal disappeared,
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not because somebody magically restored my sense of safety.
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I sought mental health health because I needed to continue to function while
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carrying everything I was experiencing.
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I needed to function while processing grief, betrayal, fear, shame.
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And because the betrayal continued for more than 15 years, these weren't always
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emotions connected to something safely contained in my past.
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At different points, I was trying
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to heal while still living inside the circumstances that were hurting me.
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That distinction matters to me now.
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I still had responsibilities. I still had children.
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I still had a job. I still had life and at one point I was still continuing my education and.
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I just couldn't stop functioning because I was struggling emotionally.
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So I did what we're constantly telling people they're supposed to do. I sought help.
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I reached outside of myself and said, I need support processing this. I need tools.
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I need help understanding what's happening inside of me.
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I need to figure out how to continue living my life while carrying something this painful.
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And the help worked.
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That's important. Mental health treatment helped me function.
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It helped me process. It helped me understand myself.
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It helped me to continue showing up for my responsibilities while working through
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things that were incredibly painful.
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And then the help I sought became evidence against me.
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This is a contradiction I'm still processing. I was told to fix myself, so I sought help.
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The help worked and later the fact that I received mental health treatment could
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be pointed to me as evidence that I was somehow unstable. Think about that.
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When I'm struggling, fix yourself. When I seek professional help,
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see, you needed mental health treatment. Something must be wrong with you.
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So what exactly was I supposed to do?
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Experience more than 15 years of repeated betrayal and never be affected,
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struggle silently, pretend I wasn't hurting, refuse professional support so
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nobody could ever point to a mental health record,
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or seek help, get better, continue functioning, and then accept having the fact
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that I saw help being used against me. I reject that choice.
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I didn't go to therapy once, here's something I wanted to hear and decided I was fine.
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I spent years consistently receiving mental health treatment.
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I had time to examine myself, time to talk honestly about what I was experiencing,
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time to understand patterns, time to learn coping skills, and time to process what happened.
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And eventually, time to experience myself outside of that relationship where
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so much of the pain had occurred.
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And over time, what became clear through that process was that the anxiety and
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the depression I had experienced were situational and directly connected to
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what I had been living through in that past relationship.
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That realization changed the way I understood myself.
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Because for a long time, I had internalized the idea that something fundamentally
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was wrong with me because I was being told that on a regular basis.
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But eventually, I could look back at the larger picture.
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More than 15 years of betrayal, more than 15 years of trying to rebuild trust,
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more than 15 years of being hurt, trying to heal, and sometimes being hurt again,
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of course that period affected me.
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I wasn't weak because it affected me.
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I was responding to my circumstances.
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And this realization has probably given me some of the most compassion for my former self.
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For years, I was trying to heal. While the pattern of betrayal was still continuing,
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I was asking myself, why am I so anxious? Why am I so afraid?
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Why can't I trust? Why can't I get over this? But healing becomes incredibly
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complicated when a thing you're trying to heal from isn't entirely over.
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I was trying to rebuild a sense of emotional safety while continuing to experience
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things that challenge that safety.
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I was trying to rebuild trust while experiencing new reasons to question the trust.
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I was trying to process old betrayal while sometimes encountering new betrayal.
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Looking back, I completely understand why I struggled.
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That doesn't mean every response I had was perfect, it doesn't mean that I don't
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take responsibility for my own behavior.
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It means that I finally give that version of my self-context.
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Now, that was my story then, but that is not my story today.
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There was a period of my life when anxiety and depression were a part of my
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story, and I am not ashamed of that. I'm able to help others now because of that.
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I'm not erasing it, but I refuse to be frozen in that period forever.
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That was my story then. It isn't my story today. I am a much,
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much different person today.
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I've had years to heal Years to learn about myself Years to recognize my triggers
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Years to develop boundaries that actually serve me,
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Years to understand what belongs to me and what doesn't And years to understand what.
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Emotional safety means to me And I've actually had an opportunity to experience
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emotional safety up until this day And importantly,
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I've had an opportunity to know myself outside of that relationship where that
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pattern of betrayal occurred.
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And that's something I didn't have when I was living inside of it.
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I got to meet myself outside of that relationship. And that has been one of
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the most powerful parts of healing.
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I got to see what happened when my environment changed. I got to see who I was,
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when I wasn't living with the same relationship dynamics. And I got to observe myself over time.
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I got to build a totally different life, the life that I wanted.
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And I got to understand my emotions differently.
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I got to separate my identity from a relationship.
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That had shaped so much of how I saw myself. And I eventually realized the woman
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who struggled during those years wasn't the totality of who I was.
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She was a person responding to what she experienced. She needed support.
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She got support and she eventually became me.
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My mental health history is history. It's not my identity.
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And that's an important word for me now, history.
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My mental health history is a part of my history, but it isn't my entire identity.
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People change, people heal, people respond to treatment, and people leave circumstances
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that were not healthy for them.
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People develop better coping skills. People mature. People build different lives, and I do.
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So if somebody wants to define me entirely by who I was, or I was living in
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a 15 plus year pattern of betrayal, they're describing me in a context that no longer is this for me.
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That isn't the entirety of the person standing here today.
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And years later, I found myself crying again.
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My sister died. My family was devastated. My daughter missed school,
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surrounding that loss, and later missed additional time because she was sick
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and she got behind on her coursework. That's real.
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It needed attention. I'm her mother. I can acknowledge that there was a legitimate
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conversation to have with my co-parents about what our daughter needed and how
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we were going to help catch her up. And so I asked for help.
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But during that interaction, I was called stupid. I was called manipulative.
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I was called the worst person in the world.
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My motherhood was questioned and I cried for a moment.
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That scared me because Those tears made me feel like I had somehow become that
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old version of myself again. But I hadn't.
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One moment doesn't erase years of growth.
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Healing doesn't mean I'll never cry again. Although it took me by surprise because
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it had been years since I cried like that for that reason.
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But growth doesn't mean nobody will ever hurt my feelings again.
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Emotional stability doesn't mean becoming incapable of having an emotional response.
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That is part of being a human. I can be a completely different person today
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and still cry When someone says something deeply hurtful to me,
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One difficult interaction doesn't erase years of treatment One emotional response
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doesn't erase years of growth One moment of vulnerability doesn't transport me back,
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Into a 15-year chapter of my life I cried and then I continued being the person that I've become.
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I've been here before but I don't live there anymore.
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That's probably the best way that I can describe it. I have been here before.
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I recognized the feeling. During my marriage, I experienced repeated betrayal.
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I was hurt. I cried. My crying became a problem. I was told to fix myself.
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I was told to get over it or get out. I sought help.
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The help worked, and later, the fact that I sought help could be used to question
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my mental stability, but I don't live there anymore.
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A familiar interaction can touch an old wound without meaning that I return to my old life.
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A person can trigger an old feeling without having the power to turn me back into my former self.
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I know more now. I have more tools now.
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I have stronger boundaries now, and most importantly, I understand myself differently now.
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The funeral made it even more painful because I had allowed my co-parents to
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attend my sister's funeral.
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I allowed this person into one of the most vulnerable spaces my family has ever occupied.
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They witnessed what losing my sister did to all of us. They saw my family hurting.
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They saw us trying to hold ourselves together while simultaneously falling apart.
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And that's why I felt humiliated afterwards.
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I had allowed someone to witness something so incredibly difficult and intimate.
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Then during this later interaction, I was called stupid, manipulative,
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and the worst person in the world.
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And when I cried, I didn't experience the compassion I hoped for from someone
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who had personally witnessed what my family had just been through.
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But I can take accountability without accepting degradation.
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My daughter got behind. There was something I needed to address.
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I asked for help. And I can own that.
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I can make changes. I can work with her school.
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I can help her get caught up. That's accountability. But accountability does
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not require me to accept every narrative characterization someone makes about me. I can say yes.
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This needed more attention and no, I'm not stupid.
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Yes, our daughter needs supports and no, I'm not the worst person in the world.
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Yes, I cry and no, that doesn't make me unstable. Yes, I experienced anxiety
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and depression during a painful period of my life.
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And no, that period doesn't define who I am today.
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But despite it all, I don't regret getting help. I refused to become ashamed
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of the very thing that helped me move through one of the most difficult periods of my life.
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I sought help because I needed help. The treatment worked.
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And years of consistent care helped me understand something even bigger.
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What I experienced belonged to a particular chapter of my life.
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It wasn't a permanent definition of me. If I needed professional support again,
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I would definitely seek it again because I would rather get help,
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when I need it than avoid help because I'm afraid somebody's going to use it against me someday.
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I did what I was told to do, and I found myself.
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Years ago, I was told, fix yourself, soul. I tried.
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I sought help. I learned. I processed. I kept functioning. I continued raising
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my children. I completed my education.
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I continued working. I continued building a life.
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And somewhere along the way, I discovered something I wish I had understood so much earlier.
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I wasn't fundamentally broken. I was hurting and there is a difference.
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For more than 15 years, betrayal had repeatedly become a part of my relationship.
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I experienced anxiety and depression during that chapter.
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I received treatment. I processed what happened and eventually I got to experience
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myself outside of those circumstances and today I am a much, much different person.
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So that isn't my story anymore. I don't have to deny my past to say that.
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I don't have to be ashamed of a woman who struggled.
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I have compassion for her now.
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She was trying to heal while continuing to experience the very pattern that hurt her.
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She sought help. She kept going. She eventually became me.
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But her struggle isn't my identity today.
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That relationship is not my life today.
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That 15-year-plus pattern of betrayal Hell is not my life today.
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And somebody else's memory of who I was during those years doesn't override
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my lived experience of who I have become. That's freedom for me.
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My tears don't make me weep. So yes, recently I cried.
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I was breeding my sister. I was called stupid. I was called manipulative.
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And I was called the worst person in the world.
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My motherhood was questioned. I cried. But those tears don't erase the years between then and now.
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They don't erase treatment. They don't erase healing. And they don't erase growth.
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They don't erase the woman I've become.
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One emotional moment doesn't get to rewrite my entire story.
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And neither does one person.
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I know where I've been. I know what I've survived. I know the work I've done and I know who I am today.
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My mental health history is a part of my story. It's not the conclusion of my story.
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I saw help when I needed it and it worked.
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I learned through years of treatment and my anxiety and depression were situational,
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and directly associated with what I had been experiencing in that past relationship.
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And once I was able to see myself outside of those circumstances,
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I discovered something incredibly important.
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That wasn't simply who I was. It was what I was going through.
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And there's a difference. So I'm not ashamed of a woman who needed help.
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I'm proud that she got it. I'm not ashamed of a woman who cried.
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I understand why she cried now.
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And I'm not going to allow someone to reach backward into a period where I was
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trying to survive and tell me that that version of myself is all I'll ever be.
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That isn't my story anymore.
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This is Marquita, and this is the Living Deeply podcast.
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Your past can explain you without defining you. Your treatment history can be
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part of your life without becoming your identity.
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You can struggle, but you can also get help.
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You can heal. You can change. And sometimes one of the most spring realizations
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is recognizing maybe I wasn't fundamentally broken to begin with.
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Maybe I was responding to something that was repeatedly breaking my heart. I know that now.
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Protect your peace, honor what you feel, get to help when you need it, and keep living deeply.