Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep12: Comedy Match/ Mom Life vs. Dad Life 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep12: Comedy Match/ Mom Life vs. Dad Life 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_03: How the Lord can create life.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's unbelievable.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_03: You just see that little baby's head pop out.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Your whole life is transformed and changed, and you just love it so much, and you cry.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and then ten years later, that same thing, you want to slap the living f out of it.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's unbelievable.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: The whole different I remember when my little boy was born, I was scared to hit a speed bump leaving the hospital for fear his head would go like that and crack open or something.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: Here I am ten years later, driving down the interstate trying to drive, trying to get the perfect whack on the middle of his freaking head.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_03: And uh my wife's like, be careful, you're gonna crash.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: I don't give a sht.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: I'll kill everybody in his car right now.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care what I've had with him right now.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's ridiculous.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the Pope came out and said married couples should have more kids.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's easy for him to say.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: That gone Pope ain't got no kids.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: How about I drop my kids off at the Vatican for a couple hours?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: How's that sound?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly out of the Pope hat.
• 1:13
  unknown: Alright.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: That's why I never understood kidnapping.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: Really?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: You want to put up with this bullshit?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: Are you kidding me?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: Hold on, if you kidnap my kids, they'd be back on the porch in two days with an apology note strapped to the side up.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, but I love them.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care what age it is.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: You put up with I love them so much, I tell you.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I was gonna homeschool my kids, and then my wife reminded me uh we're idiots.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, I was homeschooled and I uh I loved it.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_03: I finished uh second in my class.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: It wasn't until two years ago my mom told me that she'd made the dog valedictorian.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: I worry about my kids though.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_03: They're so sweet.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: My little girl's such a sweetie, and my little boy's got a kind heart, and I just worry about bullies and you know, I was bullied by a fourth grader one time, and oh I hated every minute of it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: So I finally I went home and told my wife she's gotta go pick the kids up because I can't handle it down there anymore.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, you laughed, they some big fourth graders out there.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, this girl, she wasn't small, I'll guarantee it.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: I remembered Father's Day of my kids.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: By the way, Father's Day is the biggest piece of holiday they got out there.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: That's where your wife and kids take your money and buy you a c you didn't want to begin with.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: But my kids, they're so sweet, they drew a picture of me and put we love you, daddy, on it.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: And which is awesome.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I felt so bad because instead of me going, man, I love my kids, this is all the only thing I could think when they give it to me was I'm not that fat, am I?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: And it bugged me, and I told them, kids, I like the picture, but I'm not that fat.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, Yeah, you are.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, no, I'm not.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so they took the picture and held it up to my cell phone and it unlocked it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_03: Took a family vacation, everybody wants to go canoeing, which I didn't want to do.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: Canoeing's an old Indian word that means b listeners.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, canoeing's a lot of fun when you're a fat guy.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's a lot of fun right there.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: My little boy's in the front, I'm in the back, going down the river for five miles, popping a wheelie, going in circles.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: Got a catfish stuck to my nipple, I can't get it off of there.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, why do I gotta wear a life jacket?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: Because if this thing tips over, it'll keep you alive long enough for me to save the Kentucky fat chicken over there, all right?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_03: You know what the difference between canoeing with your wife and canoeing with your little boy is?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: When you're done canoeing, your little boy is still talking to you.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_06: I haven't been doing television for a while because I've been living and working in Las Vegas for the past 16 years.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_06: I know people say, why did you do that?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_06: Why did you live in Las Vegas?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_06: And you know what?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_06: I have to tell you strangely, it's one of the only places a comedian can have a normal life.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_06: Isn't that weird?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_06: Because I took a part in my show and the audience took a plane.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_06: And since I haven't been very visible for a while, whenever I'm walking around, people they kind of look at me and they think they think they recognize me, but they're not sure from where.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_06: And I can see their brains going, and they're thinking, is she a math teacher who failed me in high school?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_06: Is she a meter maid who gave me a ticket?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_06: And finally this one guy stopped me and said, I know you from television.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_06: And I said, Oh, you do.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_06: And he said, Yes, you were a juror on law and order.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_06: And I said, Yes, I was, because you know what, I'm a people pleaser.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_06: I don't want to tell anyone they're wrong.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_06: And he continued on and said, Well, I thought you were right, I also thought he was guilty.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_06: And I said, Well, the evidence was was overwhelming.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_06: And I continued on, and another lady stopped me and said, I don't want to insult you, but you look a lot like Rita Rugner.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_06: What do you say to that?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_06: I said, Well, I'm not, I was a juror on law and order.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_06: And another reason I wanted to stop traveling was I have a daughter, and uh my husband and I wanted to raise our daughter together.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_06: Strange concept.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_06: And she's 15 now.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_06: Yes, I have to say it's not easy being a teenager.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_06: I kind of feel sorry for her.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_06: She recently sprained both of her opposite nerves by rolling her eyes at me.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_06: And she used to listen to me.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_06: What happened to that?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_06: Now she only takes the advice of her peers.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_06: So um I give her friend Isabella$10 a week to tell her to stand up straight.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_06: And boys are starting to come into the picture.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_06: That's gonna be such a nightmare.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_06: She always had a bad taste.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_06: Really, even in Jimbury, she liked the little boy with the low diapers.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_06: And all these things are going on in high school that the sex thing.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I know, but it's hard to tell someone not to do something when you've done it yourself.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_06: Well, it was a long, long time ago, and it was on an etchetch.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_06: But I'm trying to not make the same mistakes my parents made.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_06: They were so overprotective.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my gosh, my tricycle had seven wheels, you know, and a driver.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_06: My parents wouldn't even push me on the swing, they'd just sit at me on the swing and run back and forth and say, it looks similar to this.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm raising girls.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's all girls in my house.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: All girls.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever I say I'm raising girls, women always go, Oh, it's gonna suck.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Wait till they go through puberty.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Your life is over.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like you want a boy going through puberty with what they do around the house?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Where are all our tissues?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Why are we going through so many tissues?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Why do I only have one sock?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Where are my socks?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Some hairy golem crawling down the hallway, taking a shower for an hour and a half, coming out all sweaty.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: You can have it.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take a girl anytime.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Love girls.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: But I know there's a limit.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's a limit to how much I can teach them.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: At a certain point, I gotta just back off because I don't know it, and then my wife takes over.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's certain things that women know that you only learn from other women.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: You only share it with other women, and we don't really know it.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like this weird martial art that makes you so strong and cunning.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like this lady karate.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Very devious.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: One of your master strokes is making us think that we're the powerful ones.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I really thought it for years.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the whole game is set up that way, isn't it?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'll ask her on a date.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'll ask her to marry me.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'll give her my name.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And women are very smart, they go along with it.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, maybe I'll hyphenate it, but alright.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then she does something one Sunday afternoon, and you realize, oh my god, she could kill me in a second.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So much more cunning.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Women will get rid of a lifelong friend just from an eye roll at dinner.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Did you see how that bitch looked at me?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And she's gone.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: You'll never see her again.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Gone, like old-time Russia.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Out of the contacts, out of the picture frames, disappears.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know how scary that is to a man?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: To know that everyone in your life is on a giant roulette wheel of death and that we're on there too, at double zero, just going around.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's not gonna land on me, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: What are the odds?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's a terrifying concept to a man.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because we never get rid of our friends ever.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Ever.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: You meet a guy in kindergarten, if he's your friend, he's your friend for life.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: He can be the biggest jackass on the planet, too.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: He can become an alcoholic, drug addict, rob a liquor store, go to jail, come out ten years later, come to your house, pee in your pool, hit on your wife.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, that's done.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: He's crazy, right?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you gotta love him.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Look what he's doing in the mailbox.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hilarious, dude.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you think the closer you get to a woman, the safer you'll be.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: And you're wrong.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're in more danger.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're being manipulated in ways you don't even know.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Every guy who's married is fatter than when he started.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You think that's a coincidence?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: You think men are just so overjoyed with matrimony that they're just walking around with chocolate sundaes?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Wow! My life turned out so much better than I thought it would.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: The common denominator is that you're married to a woman.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And when you marry a woman, you think she's gonna love you and care for you and cherish you, and you're wrong.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Her first instinct is to keep you.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: She's a nester.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: The woman is a nester.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: She makes the nest, builds the nest, wants everyone in that nest all the time.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: And guys are always trying to leave the nest.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Always, just to look for worms or do loop-de-loops.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes check out another nest.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Who's in that nest?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just looking.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: And women are aware of this, and they want to prevent it from happening by feeding you all the time.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Essentially making you too fat to fly.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: So if you ever try and leave, you land on the ground and waddle in circles like a fat duck.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then all the pretty birds look down.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he's funny.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: I never have sex with him, but he's hilarious.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: But you should be more powerful.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: It makes perfect sense that women are strong because your lives are so much more difficult.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: You've so much more to deal with.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's amazing.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: You have a lot more to deal with.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Just the makeup alone.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Just this never-ending art project you're involved in.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Carrying luggage around your entire lives.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: I tell you, I'll be going through this pandemic, honey.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: You gotta warn me though, you know, I don't know about y'all, but I got trapped in a pandemic, stuck in the house for a year with an eight-year-old.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: Where are my parents at?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Where my parents at?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: And if being a single parent, you ain't got nobody to put them on?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: Nobody could have warned me that kids control everything you do, everything you watch.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_02: I couldn't watch shit.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: Somebody asked me the other day, girl, what's your favorite TV show?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_02: I said, I don't know, bitch, Caillou.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_02: Y'all know about Caillou?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_02: Can I ask y'all something?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: He got canceled.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_02: That little fucker ain't grown no hair in 4,976 episodes.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: And where the hell is his eyebrows?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: Is it a lapicture?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: I just want to know if I need to pray for him, that's all.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_02: And look at his head.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: That's not his real daddy, that's Charlie Brown, baby.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: Look at the head.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: Man, I watched so much of my son's stuff, I just started talking like him, honey.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_02: I was on the phone with Amazon one day and just broke out in Peppa Pig.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: Hello, my name is Peppa.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: And this is my brother George.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god, we're my package bigger, huh?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: We're my package bigger.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: Shoot.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm telling you, it's crazy.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: Then I went into the pandemic single.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_02: Oh Lord, I didn't get to mess around and build my roster.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_02: Being single in a pandemic is terrible, because after about one number four, honey, I'm on Facebook looking at dudes I ain't talked to in 20 years.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: Talking about how your marriage is working out, you know.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: You still like that bitch?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_02: Let me know.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_02: Because I'm gonna tell you something.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: I never thought a million years that I would be single at my age.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I was married, you know, and I love being married.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: I just hated who the fuck I was married to.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think some of y'all can relate, you know what I'm saying?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's like I was with this person and I loved him, but he just wouldn't act right.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: He had this condition I couldn't deal with.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: Calling it won't work.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: I can deal with a lot of chick, but you ain't bringing no chick in this house?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: Honey, please, honey, let me tell you something.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_02: You know how good your PP got to be?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: I better be going to my job every day in a wheelchair, understand me.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: But they be cracking me up, though.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because these dudes really think that that's the bomb.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: You know, just having a penis make them a man.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, no, baby, that don't make you no man.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_02: My daddy, a real man.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: My daddy worked his ass off for 52 years, honey.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_02: He lost his job one time.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_02: And you think he let my mama take care of him?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: Hell no.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: He never gave that bitch that kind of power.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: My dad went and got him some secondhand lawnmowers, honey.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: Started cutting grass around the neighborhood.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: I said, that's the kind of love I want, honey.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: Make a whole black man turn into Mexican?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's kind of love I want.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: He changed his whole race.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: But it'd be trippy be out.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because these dudes really think having a penis make them a man.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_02: That don't make you a man, boo-boo, it don't.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: It's a lot of levels to being a man.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: And some of y'all think just having that thing swinging between your legs make you a man, no, sir.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: Because if that's the case, I've been a man a long time.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: I got three dicks in my top throw.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I ain't got to never worry about he's high, he's high.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: But I do, I mean, I be one, you know, a dude my age, but they got these dag old standards now, man.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know why dudes do this to us.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_02: Like, they raise the bar on us so much.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: Why they do that to sisters?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: They do it to us.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: They don't do it to any other race of women, but us, they want to raise the bar.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: We got to be damn near perfect for a man to want us.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: And my thing is this, you can have all the demands you want.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: Just make sure you got that same shit you asking me for.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_02: You gotta ask me to have shit you ain't got, homeboy.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_02: Understand me.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_02: They be killing me, honey.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be calling them out.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_02: They'll be like, I want date chicks with long pretty hair.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_02: Fool, you bald headed with two dresses hanging on.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_02: You ain't got no edges either, okay?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: You wear a hat, I wear a wig.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: Let's go.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, we eat it.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_04: My Haley Bay's 22 years old.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_04: She's got her degree from Oklahoma State University as well.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_04: Just like her mom and her sister, and uh, she graduated last May and she needs a job.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_04: I gotta get that kid off the payroll soon, man.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_04: Because it's gonna be hard to marry that one off because the guy's gotta fall over their forehead.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_04: See, you're judging, and you don't even know.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_04: She's she's probably the prettiest one out of the litter.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_04: She truly is.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_04: But we gave her a cell phone way too early, right?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_04: She, yeah, her sister got one at 16, she got one on the same day at 13, and the daddy I was opposed to it, and now I haven't seen two of her eyes since, y'all.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_04: They've just been buried down in that phone.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_04: I figure the guy's gotta walk into a bar and go, look at the forehead on that one.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_04: Dude, check out her thumbs, they're huge.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_04: I bet they're fake.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_04: Pixar joke number one if you keep it up.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_04: And then my youngest daughter, that's my Auntie Gray show, and she is twelve.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_04: I got a 31, 28, 26, 22, and 12.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_04: I have four that completed college and one that completed the sixth grade.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_04: You know what that's like?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_04: That's like running a tire marathon.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_04: You get to the finish line, somebody stretches out the yellow tape and they goes, dude, don't hit that, that ain't for you.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_04: You hop in the truck.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_04: We're gonna take you back to the starting game.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_04: We won't go back to the starting game.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_04: She was named class president last year, sixth grade class president.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_04: The very first day in office, she erased all of her emails and built a wall between them and the fifth graders.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_04: Got in the fourth grade to pay for it.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_04: Then she ran into a little scandal.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_04: She had kissed a boy in second grade and been paying him off since.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_04: If you guys got cable, that joke would rock.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_04: Monty Grace is something.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_04: She's the only one I ever had to go to the schoolhouse over.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not saying my other four kids are perfect angels, I'm just saying they never got caught and got their daddy involved in the thing, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_04: Third grade, I get called to her classroom, walk into her little classroom, and a teacher looks at me and goes, Do you realize your daughter is a class clown?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_04: I gotta tear my young.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_04: Are you serious?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_04: The other four are really smart.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_04: Finally, one of them falling in her daddy's footsteps.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_04: TJ didn't mind anything funny about it.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_04: She said that young lady needs to take her education more seriously.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Alright, back up, Lee Harvey.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_04: I'll talk to her.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not being overly critical, but if you're yelling at her like you are at me, somebody needs to work on their people skills.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_04: I got out in the hallway, August had these crocodile tears in her eyes, and she's my favorite.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_04: By far, she is my favorite.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_04: I know you always wonder if your mom and daddy got a favorite.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_04: By far, they got a favorite.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_04: And if you're wondering who it is, it ain't you.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_04: Because the favor knows who the favorite is.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_04: That's right.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_04: All my kids know that kid's my favorite.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_04: I walked down that hallway, she had them tears in her eyes.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_04: She said, You mad at me, daddy?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_04: I said, No, girl, get in the truck.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_04: We're going for ice cream.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_04: You hear me get in the truck.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_04: We got into the Bronze ice cream store by the house.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_04: She's just licking on that ice cream.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_04: She said, You really ain't mad at me, Daddy.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_04: I said, No, you don't listen, old lady.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_04: You keep telling you jokes.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_04: She'll get you a good job working 30 minutes a night somewhere.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_04: You hear me, young?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_04: The two oldest kids get mad at me most of all, though.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_04: They really do.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_04: They're like, Daddy, you spoil her.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_04: You never spoiled us.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Well, let's look at the facts.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_04: I had Audie Grace when I was 36 years old.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Brittany, I had you when I was 19.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_04: You two people ought to be happy you are alive.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_04: Especially Britney.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_04: I left her on top of a car one time, you know.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_04: Now, in my defense, she was 17 years old at the time, and I told her twice to get down.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_04: And the boy, the boy's always been my helper.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_04: Now he's a grown man, too, and I'm proud of the man that I raised.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_04: He's, yeah, man.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_04: He's six foot three now, and I'm proud of the man that he's become.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_04: And him and his wife are gonna have a baby this fall.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_04: That's pretty cool, everybody.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_04: So uh, but when he was little, I used to call him a little shadow, you know, because I don't know if you have a son out there, daddies, but there's nothing better than a little shadow, especially, especially when you're surrounded by so many females in that house.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_04: And uh everywhere I went, that boy went, right?
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's why he's my and when me and my wife got married.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_04: We could barely afford this little house, this little two-bedroom bungalow, and I had to redo the whole thing, tore down the studs myself, even redid the electricity in that house, and I I had no idea what I was doing either.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_04: This was way back before Google, so it was trial and error at best.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_04: But there that shadow was right behind his daddy.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I had on my tool belt working on the electricity, he had on his tool belt working on electricity.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_04: I had a little buck crack show, and he had a smaller butt crack show.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_04: Working them tools, righty tighty, lefty loosey.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_04: Come on, boy, yes.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_04: And he helped me with electricity.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_04: So the first five years of his life, he walked with a twitch, y'all.
• 21:59
  unknown: No.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_04: Even now you sneak up behind Jacob, flip on light, he'll pee a little bit.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_04: He will.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_04: He might not know the difference between red and blue, but he knows the difference between a 110 and a 220, I guarantee.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_04: Daddy, that 220 will take your shit off.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_04: Parents don't raise kids like that anymore.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_04: My next door neighbor got a three-year-old son.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_04: They went through the entire house with little plastic caps on every one of the electrical sockets because he stuck a penny in there, and we don't want him to do that again.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_04: I said, you gotta see if he'll do it again.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_04: The boy does it two times, he's got a learning disability.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_04: He does it three times, you might have to send him to a special school.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_04: That boy does it four times, you have him grow up and run for Congress.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_07: My second baby is my oldest daughter who's about to graduate from the University of Tennessee.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_07: She's 22.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_07: And let me tell y'all, I know every crow thinks theirs is the blackest, but let me say that she is a beauty.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_07: And she is smart, and um she's done very well in school, and she's in a sorority, and done well with her sorority, and she's um athletic and uh she's mean, and um we're scared to death of her.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_07: We walk on eggshells around her.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_07: She's not mean to other people or in public, she holds it in so that she can come home and like spew it out onto me.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_07: That's okay.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_07: That's God's way.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_07: But this is what I think happens when she was a junior her summer between her junior and senior year.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_07: I think that God allows this to happen.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_07: And you little girls that your babies aren't this old, just listen to me.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_07: All right, one day they'll just turn on you.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_07: And you'll think, who in the world is this?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_07: Who's coming down the steps in the morning?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_07: We don't know who this is.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_07: I think that God allows that because he knows that you're about to let your baby go off to college or whatever they're gonna do, and he knows that you're grieving.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_07: So he makes them just as mean as he can so that you can let them go.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_07: And I believe that.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_07: That summer, the very breath that I breathed out of my nostrils made her so angry.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_07: We were not allowed to eat cereal in our own home because she couldn't stand to hear us chew.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_07: I don't mean to talk about her because she had a lot on her.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_07: She had to empty the dishwasher.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_07: Stuff like that.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_07: That's so hard.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, let me tell you about an example when she was probably your baby's age, your y'all, y'all's little children, because y'all are so cute.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_07: Look, they their thyroid's still functioning, y'all still got hair.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_07: Good for y'all.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_07: Um, y'all got on little britches.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_07: Yay! Okay.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_07: When my baby, when my middle one, when she was in elementary school, I was so blessed that I got to pick take them to school and pick them up every day in my minivan.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_07: And I would watch them come out, my girls, and I saw them.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_07: They were in a good mood.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_07: I saw it.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_07: All right, they would be goosing each other and waving to all the little children and the principal, see you tomorrow.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_07: Then they'd they come over to my minivan, get in, slam the door.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_07: That middle woman take her backpack and sling me in the back of the head with it.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_07: She'd say every day something like, I'm starving to death.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_07: You don't have a piece of cheese in this car.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_07: Your driving's making me car sick.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_07: I hate her.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_07: Why did you have her?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_07: And the baby be sitting over the bank, she'd be going, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_07: And I'd say, what?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_07: And she'd go, mom, mom, mom, ma.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_07: I go, well, I'm listening.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_07: She could say some of the craziest things.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_07: She said to me one day, did Jesus ever have headlines?
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_07: How do you answer that?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_07: I said, Well, baby, I don't I don't know.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_07: But if he did, I know he healed it.