Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #161 Hormones Make Me Crazy Sometimes

Transcript

#161 Hormones Make Me Crazy Sometimes · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: So it takes a village, and I just love that
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  Speaker 1: there's this village of parents who want the same things
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  Speaker 1: that you and I want. We just want to make
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  Speaker 1: our families happier. It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six
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  Speaker 3: books about raising happy families.
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  Speaker 2: I'm here with my wife Kylie, missus.
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  Speaker 3: Happy Families, the mum to our six daughters. And well,
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  Speaker 3: you're smiling right now. But this is a conversation that
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  Speaker 3: I raised the suggestion. I said we should talk about
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  Speaker 3: this on the podcast, and you looked at me with
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  Speaker 3: concern in your eyes. This has been a really tough year.
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  Speaker 3: We've made some personal decisions and as a result, which
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  Speaker 3: we won't go into those decisions, but as a result,
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  Speaker 3: there's no simple polite way to say it. Your monthly
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  Speaker 3: cycle has turned our happy family into something that hasn't
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  Speaker 3: always been happy.
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  Speaker 2: Not throwing you under the bus.
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  Speaker 3: Sorry, I know I cut you off before you even
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  Speaker 3: got to talk not throwing you under the bus, but
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  Speaker 3: is that fair.
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  Speaker 1: It's only a couple of days a month, So what.
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  Speaker 2: You're saying.
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  Speaker 3: So it's been really hard, been very hardh And after
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  Speaker 3: the last cycle, I just said to Kylie, we've got
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  Speaker 3: to talk about this because we're not the only family
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  Speaker 3: going through this mums and dads. Families really suffer in
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  Speaker 3: some cases. I mean, some people don't have any issues
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  Speaker 3: at all, but some families really really suffer when this occurs.
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  Speaker 3: And one more insight I guess is that when I
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  Speaker 3: was writing my book about teenage girls misconnection, I did
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  Speaker 3: ask a very gentle question to find out if this
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  Speaker 3: was an issue for teenage girls.
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  Speaker 2: Most of them ignored the question. They didn't want to
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  Speaker 2: talk about.
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  Speaker 3: It, but a couple of girls actually were open, and
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  Speaker 3: what they essentially said was, it's a really big deal.
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  Speaker 3: It's really scary the first time. It's scary when you
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  Speaker 3: have to start using sanitary items. And dads, this was
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  Speaker 3: a really big eye opener for me. I mean, I'm
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  Speaker 3: in a house of seven women, right and I've never realized.
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  Speaker 2: How big of a deal this is.
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  Speaker 3: The and I haven't joked about this, but the girls
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  Speaker 3: pretty much said, dads, don't joke about it.
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  Speaker 2: Don't say, oh, it must be that time of the month.
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  Speaker 3: They said, we're actually really sensitive to it. And it
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  Speaker 3: doesn't make us feel good. So today we're talking about
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  Speaker 3: how hormones might sometimes make our families unhappy, might make
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  Speaker 3: things a little bit crazy.
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  Speaker 2: Well, what's interesting.
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  Speaker 1: I was catching up with some friends the other weekend
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  Speaker 1: and the husband actually came to me and said, so,
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  Speaker 1: have you had any experience with pre menopausal women? And
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  Speaker 1: it was a bit of a leading question, wasn't it.
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  Speaker 3: I wasn't there, But I can imagine that the conversation
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  Speaker 3: has suddenly gone very quiet.
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  Speaker 1: Like, oh, and I said, Hi, interesting questions.
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  Speaker 2: Let's dissect this a little bit. And so he just.
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  Speaker 1: Acknowledged that he was really really being challenged by I
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  Speaker 1: guess some of the interactions he was having with his wife.
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  Speaker 3: What you're saying is, from his point of view, his
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  Speaker 3: wife was being horrible and he was struggling with that. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: and would it be fair to say that she probably
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  Speaker 3: thought that he was being insensitive and kindline caring.
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  Speaker 1: One hundred percent. And as he, you know, unpacked it.
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  Speaker 1: He said to me, he said, my wife would be
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  Speaker 1: just devastated to know I'm having this conversation. He said,
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  Speaker 1: I just this is just one experience. And so he
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  Speaker 1: kind of, you know, went through yesterday's experience, and as
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  Speaker 1: I sat there and I listened, I felt so sorry
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  Speaker 1: for him, and yet I completely knew where she was
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  Speaker 1: and I could see both sides of the equation and were.
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  Speaker 3: Going to say, you were feeling really sorry for me
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  Speaker 3: because you know that I go through this as well.
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  Speaker 1: Ah Well, I did mention to him that while I
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  Speaker 1: understood where he was and recognized that he was in
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  Speaker 1: this tough place, because it didn't actually matter what he
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  Speaker 1: did in the situation, he was going to be in
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  Speaker 1: the bad books.
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  Speaker 3: Like so, I don't know how to say this. I'm
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  Speaker 3: the relationships guy, right, I'm all about having happy families.
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  Speaker 3: But this year, one or two days, maybe three days
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  Speaker 3: a month, I have literally thought to myself, I can't win.
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  Speaker 2: Like I just I felt so stun And I know.
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  Speaker 3: That there's been a few times where I've absolutely got
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  Speaker 3: it right in spite of the fact that I can't win.
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  Speaker 2: But there's been a few times where.
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  Speaker 3: I'm thinking, I am I'm pulling out all stops here,
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  Speaker 3: I'm doing everything I know how to do, and this
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  Speaker 3: is not going well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's what this dad kind of said, is like,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I was being so thoughtful and he tried everything,
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  Speaker 1: and yet at the end of the night they kind
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  Speaker 1: of went their separate ones.
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  Speaker 2: Oh he was sleeping in the doghouse. Was sleeping in
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  Speaker 2: the doghouse, the poor guy.
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  Speaker 1: And I felt so so bad for him, and I
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  Speaker 1: you know, as you've shared our experience, this year has
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  Speaker 1: been really, really tricky. And you know, in the early days,
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  Speaker 1: I think that you saw, you know, this whole conversation
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  Speaker 1: around PMS, and you know that the tension and stress
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  Speaker 1: that can be associated with that monthly cycle as a
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  Speaker 1: bit of an excuse.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, in fact, I can. I mean, I know that
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  Speaker 3: I'm treading on very dangerous ground here. In the early days,
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  Speaker 3: I would be like, it's all in your head, Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: But in the last year have gotten really challenging. A
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  Speaker 3: few times I've thought to myself, this is this is
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  Speaker 3: not made up. And I've seen the pain that you
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  Speaker 3: go through because I'm not talking about physical pain, the
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  Speaker 3: emotional pain because you're being somebody who you're actually not
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  Speaker 3: and there's this.
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  Speaker 2: There's this disconnect for you, this.
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  Speaker 3: This frustration where you're like, this is not who I am,
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  Speaker 3: and yet I don't know how to turn it off
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  Speaker 3: and be who I should be. And right now, I
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  Speaker 3: just want to destroy everybody.
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  Speaker 2: Kind of thing.
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  Speaker 3: So it's the Yeah, let's let's come back in just
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  Speaker 3: a second and talk about what you've learned and what
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  Speaker 3: we can do to make things better.
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  Speaker 2: If this is happening in your home.
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  Speaker 3: It's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 1: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because a.
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  Speaker 3: Happy family doesn't just happen details at happy families dot
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  Speaker 3: com dot au. Well, we're having one of those conversations
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  Speaker 3: that can make you squirm. We're talking about the monthly
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  Speaker 3: cycle that happen that happens in a lot of homes
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  Speaker 3: every single go home every single month if there's a
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  Speaker 3: female in the house, and the challenges that we've had
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  Speaker 3: this year.
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  Speaker 2: But you've had some really key learnings around this. I have.
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  Speaker 1: I've spoken to a lot of my friends, you know,
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  Speaker 1: through this process because this has been it's actually been
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  Speaker 1: scary for me.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, well so much so that none of you has
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  Speaker 3: talked friends. But you've gone and gotten medical guidance, and
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  Speaker 3: most medicos say, it's just normal.
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  Speaker 2: This is how it is.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and there isn't there isn't too many solutions offered.
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  Speaker 1: But through the process of talking to, you know, lots
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  Speaker 1: of different women and kind of sharing experiences and recognizing
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  Speaker 1: that I'm not the only one going through this and
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  Speaker 1: that my friends are actually experiencing the same kinds of things.
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  Speaker 1: It's led me to talk to specific doctors, hormonal doctors
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  Speaker 1: that can actually tap into the imbalance, the hormonal imbalance
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  Speaker 1: that I've been experiencing. You know, we grow up in
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  Speaker 1: a society that believes.
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  Speaker 2: That PMS is supposed to happen.
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  Speaker 1: It's just normalot it. It's so common that we accept
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  Speaker 1: it as normal. But my learnings over this last year
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  Speaker 1: have been very enlightening and helped me to understand that
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  Speaker 1: I don't actually have to be this person that with
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  Speaker 1: a little bit of help and a little bit of tweaking,
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  Speaker 1: that I can actually experience normality again.
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  Speaker 3: So let's look at a couple of takeout messages that
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  Speaker 3: can be helpful for mums because they're the ones who
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  Speaker 3: are really suffering when, like I said before, I've watched
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  Speaker 3: you go through this pain of being who you're not
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  Speaker 3: and hating yourself for it and yet not knowing how
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  Speaker 3: to switch it off. So getting good medical advice is important,
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  Speaker 3: and if you find a doctor who says no, No, it's
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  Speaker 3: just normal.
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  Speaker 2: You can't do anything about it.
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  Speaker 3: Then keep looking for other medical advice because as you've
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  Speaker 3: gotten the medical advice that you needed, we've seen a
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  Speaker 3: significant reduction in the challenging moments that we've had for
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  Speaker 3: two or three days a month.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely, and I think utilizing your circles because the reality is,
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  Speaker 1: as you start talking with other women and being a
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  Speaker 1: little bit vulnerable and sharing the experiences that you're having,
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  Speaker 1: you'll recognize you are not the only one going through
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  Speaker 1: this and someone will have someone or a doctor or
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  Speaker 1: you know, a specialist that can help you.
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  Speaker 3: What would you say to a mum who's just like,
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  Speaker 3: this is not me, but this is who I've become.
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  Speaker 1: So a couple of things outside of seeking help and
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  Speaker 1: going to a professional who you know, kind of specializes
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  Speaker 1: in this space, has been learning to have open dialogue
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  Speaker 1: with you. That's been a really tricky space for me,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, being able to just acknowledge what I'm feeling, usually.
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  Speaker 3: Not in the moment, definitely not in the marment, in
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  Speaker 3: the moment. I'm just saying that, just definitely not in
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  Speaker 3: the moment.
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  Speaker 1: In the moment. It's hard, but you know, in the
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  Speaker 1: early days, you know, earlier in this year, we both
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  Speaker 1: of us were kind of counting down because we knew
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  Speaker 1: it was coming, and we were bracing ourselves because tomorrow's
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  Speaker 1: the day and everything's going to fall apart. Like it
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  Speaker 1: was really you know, kind of very intense. But coming
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  Speaker 1: out of that being able to talk about it and
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  Speaker 1: you know, kind of acknowledge what I'm feeling and what
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  Speaker 1: you'd experienced and was really important. And then I think
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  Speaker 1: the other thing is just learning to be kind to myself.
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  Speaker 1: So that's been a really really tricky one because I
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  Speaker 1: actually hated who I was in that space. That was
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  Speaker 1: really it was a really intense space and was just
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  Speaker 1: went against everything I believed about myself and valued as
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  Speaker 1: an individual and the way I treated other people. And
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  Speaker 1: so learning to accept that well, I didn't have control
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  Speaker 1: in that space, that this wasn't me and I didn't
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  Speaker 1: need to define me was It was a really tough
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  Speaker 1: space to be but it was a really important and
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  Speaker 1: valuable opportunity for learning and growth within myself.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm really glad you shared that.
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  Speaker 3: So I reckon, there's only one thing that I want
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  Speaker 3: to talk about in terms of you know, for the dads.
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  Speaker 3: We had one of those conversations where you opened up
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  Speaker 3: a little bit and and I saw your humanity again.
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  Speaker 2: I realized that you weren't the monster, you were actually
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  Speaker 2: a human. You were the woman that I.
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  Speaker 3: Loved, And there was something that twigged inside me, and
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  Speaker 3: I was like, ah, Kylie doesn't want this either.
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  Speaker 2: It's happening. She's trying to fight it.
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  Speaker 3: She's losing, but it's not what she wants. It's just
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  Speaker 3: something that And as a guy, I'm like, I don't
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  Speaker 3: get it. I don't know that. I'm very often beyond
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  Speaker 3: my own control. Maybe if I'm breathtakingly angry once a
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  Speaker 3: year or something, I'm that that crazy, but it doesn't
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  Speaker 3: compute for me. But trying to stand in your shoes,
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  Speaker 3: trying to see the world through your eyes, Kylie doesn't
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  Speaker 3: need me to judge her. Kylie doesn't need me to
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  Speaker 3: tell her to get over it. Kylie doesn't need me
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  Speaker 3: to do anything except and this was the game changer,
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  Speaker 3: And I'm hoping you'll agree, literally say this is really
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  Speaker 3: hard for you. What can I do to help? And
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  Speaker 3: sometimes you would growl at me, and I would say, well,
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  Speaker 3: what can I do to not make it?
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  Speaker 2: Worse.
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  Speaker 3: It seems like that focus on what can I do
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  Speaker 3: to not make it worse and how can I help,
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  Speaker 3: or not even asking you how I could help, but
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  Speaker 3: just using my own brain and not asking you to
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  Speaker 3: carry the cognitive load of the family, that seems.
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  Speaker 2: To have moved the needle in a pretty meaningful way. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I think the turning point for me, and again just
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  Speaker 1: in how we both dealt with it at the same
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  Speaker 1: in the same time, was just you literally gave up
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  Speaker 1: a day. I was a mess, and you just gave
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  Speaker 1: up a day. And I didn't want to talk, I
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  Speaker 1: didn't want to touch, I didn't want anything. But you
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  Speaker 1: just were in my space and you sat in the
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  Speaker 1: bed next to me and you read a book and
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  Speaker 1: I read a book, and I just was so grateful
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  Speaker 1: that you just gave me. It's not even about permission.
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  Speaker 1: You just accepted me, I think, is it. You accepted
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  Speaker 1: me in that space and I was enough in that space,
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  Speaker 1: And that was such a healing moment for me because
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  Speaker 1: I had just been in such a dark space of
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  Speaker 1: you know, and so confused about who I was and
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  Speaker 1: what I was becoming. In that moment and your acceptance
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  Speaker 1: and your love unconditional love in that space allowed me
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  Speaker 1: to move forward and seek the help that we needed.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm so glad that you said that, but this
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  Speaker 3: is not really about me. This is about you and
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  Speaker 3: about helping mums and dads who are experiencing in their
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  Speaker 3: own homes. We would love your feedback podcasts that's podcasts
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: with an s podcasts at happy families dot com got au.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: Let us know what you think whether or not this
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: has been helpful. We'd love to hear you feedback. We
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: would also love it if you could jump onto Apple
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Podcasts and leave us a rating and review and tell
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: us how you're enjoying the podcast. Let everyone else know
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: how this podcast can help make their families happier. We
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: so much appreciate those ratings and reviews that are coming through.
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  Speaker 3: We'll share our review of the week tomorrow. Our executive
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  Speaker 3: producer for the podcast is Craig Bruce and the podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Is produced by Justin rule On from Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 3: And if you'd like more information about how we can
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: help make your family happier or at least get you
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: through those troubling two or three days a month, check
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: us out at happy families dot com dot au