Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 7: What Reality Are You Creating With Your Language?

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Episode 7: What Reality Are You Creating With Your Language? · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there, friends.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going to be talking about language.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what I would like you to do is just to consider what language you're using to describe your life and to describe your relationship on a regular basis.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to consider how the language that you're actively using when you're reflecting, when you're thinking, and when you're talking, how that is impacting and affecting your life.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, most people like they recognize that, you know, language is used to convey experiences and it's used to express emotions and communicate, you know, thoughts to other people.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: But what a lot of people don't spend very much time thinking about is that the language that they're using on a regular basis in their own mind and to other people is actually impacting how they feel and it's impacting their relationships.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm noticing that people are not understanding that they can help themselves feel better by simply paying attention to what they're thinking and how they are talking.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why is because language creates your reality and it influences and it shapes how you're experiencing your reality, how you're experiencing your life or how you're experiencing your significant other.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so today, really my hope here is just to kind of get you to check in with yourself and become more aware of your thoughts and more aware of what you're saying to other people about your life and about your relationships.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to teach you what to do with this information, regardless of how happy you are.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So even if you're in a great place, this still applies to you.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to tell you how to use this information to keep you in that great place, which is ultimately what we all want, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So of course I'm going to be talking about this in terms of romantic relationships, but this really does apply to any person in your life.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: It applies to any situation, circumstance, or problem that you might be experiencing right now.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided to, um, I reached out to a client that I'm currently working with because this is something that we've been working on for a little bit.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And she seems to have really gotten traction on feeling better about her life.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I asked her if it'd be okay if I shared with you her story because I thought that I thought that some of you might be able to relate to it, which is why I'm sharing it with you.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this woman that I'm currently working with is very unhappy in her marriage.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And um, during our first session, I asked her to talk to me about her husband and to describe him for me.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And as she spoke, I took notes and then I read back to her the adjectives that she used when she was talking about him.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And here they are.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: He's lazy, sloppy, a slob, demanding, overbearing, annoying, negative, and suffocating.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in my mind, as she was talking to me and I was writing down all these adjectives, I thought, geez, no wonder why this woman is unhappy.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that was like that either.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I did ask her, I'm like, how often do you have these thoughts about him?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And she said pretty much every day.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And not only does she think that every day, but she's also um consistently telling other people these things about him.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's just kind of reinforcing all of this stuff in her mind.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So apparently she's been thinking about him like this for about 10 years.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And recently it's gotten worse.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now she's found herself in this place where she cannot stand to be around the man.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: But after some discussion, we uncovered that he hasn't really actually changed that much.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's her, that she has um has gotten to this place where she's just intolerant.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's not able to tolerate some of the stuff as easily as she used to.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, this makes perfect sense because the way that she's talking about him and the way that she's thinking about him, the language that she's using is influencing like how she feels about him on a regular basis.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's also impacting her health.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So she says she's way more stressed out, she feels very agitated, she's having trouble sleeping, she walks around like with a knot in her stomach most days, which again doesn't make uh, which totally makes sense to me because it doesn't surprise me, because research shows that negative, like consistently negative thinking and negative um words do have a psychological and physiological impact on you.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um it can increase your heart rate, elevate your blood pressure, causes muscle tension, can create GI issues, um, and it also affects your brain chemistry.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a whole um lot of studies out there that would support that.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's interesting to you, I would definitely suggest that you go ahead and research that.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So just from like a health perspective, being mindful about like the way that you're talking and the way that you're thinking is actually important.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: But all of the stuff that she's saying to herself and to other people about her husband is contributing to her overall unhappiness.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So she watches the clock, and the closer it gets to when her husband is supposed to be home, she said the more agitated she gets.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and she starts being like more curt and short with her kids when she's interacting with her kids.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she said she's tired because she's trying to avoid her husband.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So she keeps coming, trying to come up with all of these excuses and reasons to leave the house.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So she doesn't have to be in the same house with him.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: They have stopped sleeping in the same room, and they've also really kind of stopped eating um dinner together as a family.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So apparently the kids and her husband will sit down, but she stands up at the kitchen sink and eats.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like she'll still talk a little bit and banter a little bit with the kids, but she's kind of separated herself from the kitchen table.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so in her mind, what's happened is that all of these thoughts uh that she has about her husband are now facts to her, right?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is going to be happening to you too.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are consistently thinking the same thoughts over and over again, whether they're good or not good thoughts, those thoughts become more and more true for you because thoughts that are repeated over and over and words that are said over and over become your beliefs.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And your beliefs, um, especially about people that you have um regular interaction with, really impact the way that you feel about them.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the way that you feel about them impacts how you act towards them.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: It impacts um how you interact with them, how you communicate with them.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it impacts how much you enjoy your day and enjoy your life and enjoy being around them or not.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, like in her case, she does not enjoy her life.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: She does not want to be there when he's there, and that is having an impact on her physically and emotionally.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So the words that you choose actually do matter.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to think about what words are you choosing?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: What language are you using when you talk about and think about your relationship or relationships?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I want you to think about your partner or your spouse.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: What are the first like five to ten words that come to your mind?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Are they more positive or are they more negative?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The more positive things you have to say in your head about your partner or spouse, it's more likely you are probably one of those people that feels a little bit more content in your relationship.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Those of you that have more negative uh leaning words and thoughts, you probably aren't quite as happy as content as you could be.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you probably think that your words are simply a reflection of what you're experiencing with your partner or a reflection of your partner.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: In reality, your words are contributing to your experience with your partner, and they're contributing to your unhappiness with them.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you do with this information?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what I don't want you to do is gaslight yourself.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sitting here telling you to think positive and everything will be okay.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not going to tell you to try to convince yourself and talk yourself into liking your partner or whoever this person is.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to try to get you to be okay with things you're not okay with.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That is not the point of this.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what I want you to do and what I want you to consider doing is getting really honest about what's going on.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you start to do this by acknowledging the language that you're using.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: So how do you acknowledge the language that you're using?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it happens in three steps.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: The first step is to catch the thought or thoughts that you're having.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: The second step is to write it down.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So write down those thoughts.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the third step is to examine the evidence for the words that you're using on both sides, to examine the evidence of both sides of all of those thoughts.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, and I'm going to tell you why in a second.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: But with my client, what I had her do was keep an adjective journal.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So uh for a week to see like what her thought patterns were.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And every time she had a thought, positive or negative, about her husband, she was supposed to write it down and then um give a brief description of what had happened right before that thought.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we began working through her adjectives, and there were a lot.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to share one sentence that she repeated over and over again to herself and to people in her life.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it was this that he's a that he's a lazy slob.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what triggered this thought was when he would get home from work, he would he put his um boots by the door, he sets his keys, phone, and wallet down on the kitchen table, which she doesn't like and she's asked him repeatedly not to do.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: He puts his coffee travel mug into the sink and just like leaves it there.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And he puts the empty dog food container next to the trash can, but doesn't put it into the trash can.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: So every time she sees this, she thinks to herself, he's a lazy slob.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the times she'll take a picture and text somebody, right?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just kind of like, hey, look, he did it again, kind of a thing.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, she had reasons for all of her other adjectives.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to share them with you because I think you get the point here.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: But then what I had her do was I had her give me two or three examples of how he's not lazy and he's not a slob.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, full disclosure, she did not want to do this.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: She was very resistant to this, which did not surprise me when people are in a negative headspace.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a negative headspace, I'm sure you can relate to this.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to look at things from another perspective.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I kind of like cajoled a little bit and got her to humor me.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I literally said, Would you please just humor me?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she went ahead and she gave me some reason, some examples of how he's not lazy and he's not a slob.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here they are.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: He works 10 to 12 hour shifts.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: He works overtime so she can stay home with the kids.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: He mows the lawn and takes care of the yard.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: He um cleans and maintains both of their cars inside and out.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: When he doesn't have an early shift, he takes the kids to school.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he also helps clean up after dinner and he puts his dirty clothes and the used um bath towel into the hamper every single time.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so clearly he's not lazy and he's most likely not a slob, right?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things that I encouraged her to do was anytime one of those more derogatory adjectives and thoughts came to her mind was to remind herself of the other examples, right?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because we did this for all for all of the adjectives that she had.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so she agreed.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And she also agreed to stop texting and talking to her friends about her husband.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because what happens is every time you repeat something over and over and over again, you are building more evidence for your unhappiness, which quite simply makes you more unhappy.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the other thing that this does is this like gets your mind poised and ready and on the outlook or like on the lookout.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, on the lookout for the next time they're gonna do something annoying, or the next time they do that thing that you hate, or the next time they're gonna say something that pisses you off, right?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like your brain is just primed and ready for it.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that is something that just perpetuates your own unhappiness.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: So she stopped talking to her friends and she stopped talking to her mom about them, which has also really, really helped her.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things um that I want to say about this is that she says that even though she's still not happy in the marriage, she is much happier, just kind of on a regular basis.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: So she's still kind of avoiding her husband, but it's getting um less compelling for her.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like now when she's looking at the clock, she's not super excited about it, but she's also not rushing to get out of the door.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And now she has started um sitting down with the entire family to eat, and she's no longer standing at the kitchen sink to eat their dinner.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she considers that a win, and I consider that a win.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm sure some of you are wondering, those of you that are unhappy, I'm sure you're wondering, um, well, what do I do if like these things that I'm thinking and talking about are legitimately factually true?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at that point, what you have to do is simply acknowledge that you are choosing to be there.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Taking ownership of your decisions, taking ownership of your choice every single day, like to stay in that relationship, can help a lot of people and hopefully it'll help you get to a more neutral place, right?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: It may not make you all of a sudden fall back in love, but it can help you find a way to make the best of whatever choice you're making right now.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I did ask her, and I asked her actually in our consultation, but I did ask her if she wanted to stay married.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And she said she wasn't sure, which is like the whole reason why she reached out to me.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: She said she wasn't sure.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And what was stopping her that day, and today actually, um from leaving is her kids because she's worried about the impact this is going to have on her kids.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: So what she decided was she decided to stay for now.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And even just the language of that decision, she's deciding to stay for now.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: That like lifted a big weight off of her shoulders because she was really feeling um stressed out and like the weight of that decision was really, really um affecting her and it was affecting her life.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so now that she's decided to stay, now she wants help figuring out how to stay and be relatively happy while she's making this decision.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can relate to this in any way, one of the things that I would suggest that you do is keep your own adjective journal for a good week or two.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then you look at it.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your thought patterns, look at what you're telling other people, and look at the impact that that's having on you emotionally.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And my suggestion is for any more derogatory or negative thought that you're having, try to come up with two or three examples of how the opposite is true.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, notice I'm not telling you to go straight to the positive thing.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying to actively look for ways that those things are not a hundred percent true because there are two sides to every single adjective.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: There are two sides to every single thought or circumstance.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would also suggest that you try replacing more negative derogatory words or terms or sentences with more neutral ones, less emotionally charged ones.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you don't have to go all the way to the positive.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can get to a place where you are talking about your partner or spouse in your head and other people from a more neutral perspective, that is going to help you feel better.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: So for those of you that are in a happy place, a good place, you are satisfied and content, you're probably already doing a pretty good job about that of this.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would just say keep that up.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but here's my warning to you: in order to keep yourself in a good place, you need to be mindful of the language when you get upset and when you get annoyed.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, especially if there's like one particular issue that you and your significant other um always bet heads on.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like if there's one perpetual gridlock issue that you just can't seem to work through, those are like the types of things that start kind of like weaving their way in a negative way into your relationship.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can do that, if you could be more mindful around the language that you're using when that stuff happens, it's going to help you stay in a good place.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of days ago, and she's been married for a long time, and they have one issue that they are consistently fighting about, and they hadn't argued about this in a while.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then she called me because they got in another argument after, you know, however many years it's been.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I was, I was trying to encourage her to look at this.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is there like another way to look at this?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Is there another perspective?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And we got off the phone and she didn't think there was, but then she texted me the next day that she had had an aha moment in the shower.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, for real people, the shower is literally the best place to cry and to think.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: So she'd had this epiphany that for all of these years, anytime she and her husband would talk about this one issue, the thoughts that came to her mind was that he was being controlling.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, when she would talk to me about it, she would say how controlling he is.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's so controlling and he's so hypocritical, okay, over and over and over again.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And all that did was pissed her off and made her defensive and it made her like pushback, which really perpetuated the problem.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: So her aha moment that day was that he's not actually being controlling.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: He's actually coming from a place of love because of how much he loves her and because of how much he values and loves the relationship.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, in just that moment, that little shift that her husband is coming from a place of love and not coming from a place of control, that shifted everything for her.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they were actually able to sit down and have a conversation.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that they completely resolved the issue, but last I heard, they were definitely closer to being on the same page, which is, I think, a really big relief for both of them.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: So today, what I would like to do is I would like to leave you with a question.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: What language are you regularly using in your own thoughts and in your words that are creating and shaping your reality?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, I will talk to you next week.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahoskins.com to learn more.