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STOP Explaining Yourself to a Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Stop explaining yourself to a narcissist.
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  We, we, you have to stop it. You need to cut it out.
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  Explaining yourself to a narcissist is pointless.
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  That's what we're talking about today y'all.
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  This topic has come across my mind, my timeline, everywhere.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist myself.
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  Give to you here to give you the inside look at the mind of a
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  narcissist. Hey y'all, I wore red today.
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  What if y'all see me with a red shirt on in the video?
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  This is the only red shirt I own and this is it's a cancer shirt.
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  It says cancer astrology. My man Chester Gregory, check
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  him out Chester gregory.com. I think it's his website.
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  But y'all stop red. Red means stop.
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  You have to stop explaining yourself to a narcissist.
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  And here they're like, literally.
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  And here's why narcissistic people don't care.
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  I'm not saying that they don't care about you, but narcissistic
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  people don't care generally, right?
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  They generally do not care about what you're going through, what
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  you're experiencing, how it's happening, or what is what the
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  world is going on. Like when you sit here and try
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  to explain yourself to a narcissistic person, they
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  typically already know the answer.
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  They know they've done wrong, they know that they are guilty
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  of something, but they let you explain yourself because it's,
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  if you're explaining yourself to me, what it means to me is that
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  you still care about me and that I'm going to win this argument
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  or whatever. And I know that.
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  I know that sounds stupid, but when you explaining yourself to
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  me, I think that I still have a chance to get you.
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  No matter what I've done wrong, no matter what I've done wrong
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  to you about how you feel about the situation.
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  The fact that you're explaining yourself to me is enough to let
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  me know that I still stand a chance in your heart, that I
• 2:02
  still stand a chance in your mind.
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  If the fact that you're right here in front of me, or you're
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  texting me or we're FaceTime or whatever the case may be, the
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  fact that you're communicating with me at all let's me know
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  that I still stand a chance. I just have to play my cards
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  right. But whatever it And it doesn't
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  matter what I've done wrong. It does not matter.
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  Believe that sounds insidious. Yeah, because it can be.
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  It can absolutely be insidious. Oh, I turn the light up in here.
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  It got a little dark in here. The sun, the sun that went down.
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  I live in Durham. Y'all in North Carolina in the
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  sun. It's been flooding in the sun.
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  When I turn my light on. I know.
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  Y'all hear my cat. No, my cat is a narcissist.
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  He only cares about himself. I'm working right now, Cat.
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  You, you see me working? I'm trying to work right now
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  'cause if I don't, if I don't work, then you can't get your
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  food bowl full. Oh, you don't care?
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  You see how the cat doesn't care?
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  He's a narcissist. I explained myself to him about
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  what I was doing and you see that It does not matter to him.
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  He wants his needs met. He knows that I'm talking to
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  him, so he knows he's going to get what he wants.
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  I know this is an obscure example, but that's how it goes
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  in the mind of a lot of narcissistic people.
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  As long as I'm getting my needs met, I don't care what you want,
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  you know? And I know that sucks and I
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  know, I know that sounds bad and it makes narcissists sound like
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  assholes, but a lot of narcissists are assholes, y'all.
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  Let's just keep that. Look, I'll just keep it hot and
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  ready like a Little Caesar's pizza.
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  So the more you tend to explain yourself or try to explain
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  yourself to this person, the worse it typically gets, right?
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  The worse that they're going to treat you and whatnot.
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  Because like, when you're explaining yourself to me that I
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  hurt your feelings or that whatever has happened and how
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  this effects you, I take it that narcissist takes it as a
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  personal attack against them. So the more you explain it
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  yourself to me, it not only does it mean I think you're still
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  interested, it also means that I think you're attacking me.
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  So I'm going to get angrier, I'm going to get angry.
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  Imagine you. So this this is going to be an
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  obscure example right here, y'all, but imagine I cheat on
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  you, right? I cheat on you.
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  I get another woman pregnant. You're explaining why how that
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  hurt your feelings and how this is going to affect us and how
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  this is going to take money from our household and going
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  elsewhere because I couldn't control myself and I I'm a
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  cheater, right? You explaining that to me?
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  All I hear you saying is I'm a cheater and I can't take care.
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  I'm I'm I'm a childish cheater. I can't control myself.
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  So now I'm angry at you. So I'm a childish, I'm a
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  cheater. Wow, wow, can't believe you
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  saying all the stuff about me. You see how I just flipped that
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  to make it seem like I'm the victim here?
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  Now you now your name calling. Now you're trying to ostracize
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  me. I know I did something wrong,
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  but now look what you're doing now I'm the victim here.
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  The more you explain yourself to a narcissist or toxic person, we
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  know or not, everybody's a full blown narcissist, right?
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  The more you explain yourself to a narcissist or a toxic person,
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  the more that they feel justified in what they do, the
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  more that they can find a way to play the victim bully.
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  How do we let them know we hurt that they hurt our feelings?
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  How do I say this when I was just seeing see me in cock, see
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  me in crass. Most narcissists don't care that
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  they hurt your feelings, especially if they hurt your
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  feelings in a way that they were getting their needs met.
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  They're like if I was, let's just say if I was horny, right
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  and I'm not attracted to you like I used to be.
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  I go sleep with somebody else. I don't care to hurt your
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  feelings. I'm not attracted to you like I
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  used to be. What you expect me to do?
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  You gained a little weight because you had the baby.
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  What do you expect me to do? See, now it's your fault because
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  you gained weight. What you're what you're supposed
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  to do when you have a baby. I'm like, I never seen anybody
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  lose weight with a baby. These are the lame.
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  These are supposed to gain weight.
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  But now they're blaming you for the baby that they put inside of
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  you. And now they're just like, oh, I
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  wasn't attracting you anymore. So I had to go cheat somebody
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  else. You, you lost control of
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  yourself. You let yourself go.
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  I'm you and you over there like I'm one month postpartum.
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  You over there confused as hell. This is the mentality of
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  narcissistic people. My cat is standing with them
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  green eyes, just staring at me. This is the mentality that you
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  will face when you're dealing with a narcissistic person that
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  does not care about your feelings or what they've done to
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  you. And I know that.
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  So yeah, I know it. It sucks for me to even say that
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  out loud. It really does, because I know
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  that you just want to matter to the person in your life.
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  You want your feelings to matter to the person in your life,
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  whether it be your narcissistic husband or wife, boyfriend,
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  girlfriend, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, whoever it
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  is, right? Or your narcissistic parent.
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  Sometimes your narcissistic parent, when you're trying to
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  explain yourself to them about why you are the way that you are
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  because they abused you or they neglected you, they don't want
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  to hear it. They'll try to gaslight you.
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  Mom, I'm the way I am right now because you try to sail me down
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  the river. You were never home.
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  You were doing this. You were partying and you used
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  to cheat on dad and you, you neglected me.
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  You were never home. You cheat.
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  Dad was always there for me and you were never there for me.
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  You neglected me. You destroyed our family with
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  your actions and I can't. This is why I'm like I am right
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  now. After all I've done for you,
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  this is all you got to say to me and I'm your mom.
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  Your mom sounds like this too. After all I've done to you, you
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  going to say this to me? I'm your Mama, you ungrateful to
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  say After I push you out after the rest of my life, bring you
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  into this world, you going to say this to me?
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  You ungrateful as hell. I want nothing else to do with
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  you. You got I don't want.
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  I can't hear that. I can't hear none of this no
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  more. Doesn't that sound crazy?
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  That when you try to like you explaining yourself is damn near
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  equivalent to you trying to hold them accountable, and when
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  you're trying to hold them accountable is damn near they're
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  going to lose their damn minds on you.
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  This is what's going to happen. This is the space that so many
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  people fall into. This is how it goes.
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  I'm telling you, this is literally how it goes,
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  narcissistic people, that This is why I'm, This is why I say
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  stop explaining yourself to them.
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  They heard you. Most of them only care about how
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  it affects them, not you. Yeah, me.
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  I cheated on you. Your feelings are hurt.
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  But now I'm thinking about them. I got to pay child support over
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  here. I got to fight.
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  I got to guess. I got to keep trying to battle
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  to keep you in my life so I don't have to be child support
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  over here at two different households.
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  And now I got to. I'm worried about how it's going
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  to affect me, not you crying and you sad and nothing like that.
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  When you explain to yourself they only hear the parts that
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  affect them. It's kind of like you ever seen
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  what's the the Peanuts, The Peanuts, The Peanuts comic,
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  Charlie Brown and that dude. Yeah.
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  It hurt my feelings. And you had to pay child
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  support. That's all they hear.
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  You only hear the part where they you you had to pay child
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  support. They had to pay child support.
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  Or you going to leave there? I'm leaving you.
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  I'm never speaking to you again. We're going no contact.
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  We want, we want. We want.
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  We want. They only hear the part that's
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  going to affect them. You see, everything else doesn't
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  matter because their egos are so big.
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  Our egos are so inflated that it hurts our feelings to hear about
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  the bad stuff that we've done. This is why you get the
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  narcissist that plugs their ears when you're trying to talk to
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  them about something that they have actually done.
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  You have to. They plug their ears about
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  something they have actually done to you.
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  This is why narcissistic people just, yeah, you got to stop
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  explaining yourself to them. I know that sounds super trivial
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  and whatnot, but this is how they going to keep operating
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  because it benefits them to operate like this.
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  Stop explaining yourself. Start finding ways to hold them
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  accountable. Well, Lee, how the hell do we
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  hold a narcissist accountable? You have to have some type of
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  leverage. You have to have something that
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  you can take away from them or something that you can get them
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  to move with, right? And a lot of times the leverage
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  or thing that you can take away from them is you access to you
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  completing other act, completing utter access to your life.
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  That's the leverage sometimes that we own.
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  That's the only leverage sometimes that we have, right?
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  So you in essence, you have to empower yourself because if you
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  can't, if you don't, this is the type of stuff that normally
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  happens. This is the type of stuff that
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  goes on and on and on. You know what I mean?
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  So I want y'all to protect yourself by any means possible.
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  Explain yourself to your friends and family members or somebody
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  who actually cares. Explain yourself in my support
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  group called the Mental Healers that you can find at
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  mentalillness.net. Explain yourself like that or on
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  my podcast, I might start doing podcast interviews for my other
• 11:01
  channel, the Mental Illness podcast.
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  The link is in the description, every video and podcast that I
• 11:05
  do. So here was y'all hit the
• 11:08
  subscribe button if you haven't. If you're on YouTube, click one
• 11:10
  of these mental illness.net for coaching courses, Support group
• 11:14
  everything y'all and I'm out. Peace.