Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How to Help Kids Step Up at Home

Transcript

How to Help Kids Step Up at Home · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families podcast. So glad that
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: you're with us as we wrap up another week. Oh
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: my goodness, missus Happy Families. This is the end of
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: November when we hit the new week on Monday, first
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: of December. Wooo, things are going so fast. Today on
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: the podcast, it's Old Do Better Tomorrow, which means we've
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: got a little bit of housekeeping, some schoolies news. Also,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: what's going on with this social media minimum age legislation,
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: the social media ban. There's been an update that we
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: need to keep you abreast of. That's in the housekeeping
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: and do our children pay attention to anything we say
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: that's our old do Better Tomorrow? Up next. Hello, Welcome
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: solutions every single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie call some the parents of
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: six children on the author of like nine or ten
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: or eleven books or something like that, host of that
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: TV show you might have seen, Parental Guidance on Channel
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: nine and this podcast, So Kylie, as we always do
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: on a Friday, a little bit of housekeeping, a bit
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: of this week in parenting, the latest news, about what's
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: going on for parents.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Not a whole lot.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Actually, school is wrapping up around the country in various states.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Things are slowing down. Kids are going to school and
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: watching TV, watching movies, or not going at all schoolings.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: If you read the most popular news websites in the country,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: schoolies is making headlines on a daily basis. Whether it's
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: on the Gold Coast or whether it's in Bustleton in
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  Speaker 1: WA for Leaver's Week, or whether it's happening in Victor
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  Speaker 1: Harbor in South Australia or Byron Bay or I mean,
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't really matter. It's happening everywhere, even Balley and Fiji.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: And basically the news is as follows. Adolescents, school leaders
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: are behaving badly. Any surprises. Do we need to talk
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: about it anymore? No, I mean they're kind of just
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: this is the same headline every single year, being teenagers
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: who are not supervised and have access to a whole
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  Speaker 1: lot of things that they normally wouldn't have access to
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  Speaker 1: at home. Hope, if your kids are there that they're
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: doing okay. Hope if your kids are not there because
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: they're too young, that you listened to our episode back
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  Speaker 1: on the twentieth of November last Thursday, when we discussed
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: how not everyone goes to school is and that's not
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: a bad thing and how you can talk to your
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: kids about not going Hey. Also one other item of
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  Speaker 1: housekeeping that is that the E Safety Commissioner has updated
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: the website again with the services that the social media
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: minimum age legislation are going to be affecting from December ten.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: So we've only got like twelve days until this comes in.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: If you've got kids that are on social media, their
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: days are numbered. Facebook, Instagram, Kick, Reddit, snapchat, threads, TikTok,
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  Speaker 1: twitch x which was formerly Twitter, and YouTube are all
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: the services that E Safety considers will be age restricted
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: social media platforms. So if the kids are on there,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: their days are numbered.
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  Speaker 2: Your housekeeping is boring.
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  Speaker 1: My house? What do you want in housekeeping? What should
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I be talking about?
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: Well, I can't believe you haven't acknowledged that we went
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: and saw Wicked Part two.
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  Speaker 1: It was a bit of a letdown. Didn't like it,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: brand the room, it was a quick pitted West of the.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: West, unbelievable.
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  Speaker 1: You like that?
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  Speaker 2: Why we wasted a.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Ticket on you? You enjoyed it?
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  Speaker 2: Did you not see all of your girls in the room.
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  Speaker 1: Although crying, they were boiling their eyes out. Though yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I mean I love the musical. We've been to see
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: the musical what three times now something like that, and
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  Speaker 1: the movie was just I felt like it was a letdown.
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  Speaker 1: Didn't enjoy it. You're terrible.
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  Speaker 2: They did such a good job better. I think part
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  Speaker 2: two was way better than part one.
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  Speaker 1: Not even close. It was nice to be with the
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: family and to go to a movie. We discovered that
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  Speaker 1: there's a movie a cinema what like twenty minutes away
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  Speaker 1: from our home that is less than half the price
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  Speaker 1: of the standard movie theater.
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  Speaker 2: And it's gold class.
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  Speaker 1: And we were able to rock up. Like the gold class.
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  Speaker 1: Tickets were fifteen bucks, which is I mean, that's winning
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  Speaker 1: when you pay twenty five dollars to go to the
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  Speaker 1: movies down the road.
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  Speaker 2: How much was your large popcorn? Oh, that's a win.
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  Speaker 1: Even that was only like six or seven dollars, which
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  Speaker 1: it's still preposterous, but eighteen when you go to the
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: other like, it's longers. So we splashed out.
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  Speaker 2: We don't do the movies very often at all, not
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  Speaker 2: as a whole, as a whole family, but it was
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  Speaker 2: so delightful to spend that time with the kids.
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  Speaker 1: So is that you're oldly better? Tomorrow we took the
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  Speaker 1: kids to the movies.
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  Speaker 2: You're so funny.
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  Speaker 1: It's not hard.
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  Speaker 2: No, it's not my I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: Is coming up right after the break, because guess what,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: it's a short one today. We are well depending on
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  Speaker 1: when you listen to this on Friday morning, hopefully we're
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: on an aurplane by now, or we're about to be.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: My fiftieth birthday was last month. Last month, yeah, last month, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: a month and a bit of like five or six
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: weeks ago, and we're taking the whole family to New
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  Speaker 1: Zealand and we're going to go for one hundred and
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  Speaker 1: sixty kilometer bike ride across four days and then spend
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: a couple of days hanging out in Queenstown. Really excited
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  Speaker 1: about it.
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  Speaker 2: I've been doing the countdown with our two year old
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  Speaker 2: granddaughter Indye.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Every day I talk to her and I'm like, three
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  Speaker 2: more sleeps and we're going on a big plane. And
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: she said, with pops, And I said yes, and she said,
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: and auntie em she's so excited. Yeah, she's never going
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: to want to travel any other way.
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  Speaker 1: So that's housekeeping. That's important housekeeping. I mean, it's a
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  Speaker 1: little bit of it's attle bit of news about the causons.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm fifty. We've got a granddaughter, and we're taking
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  Speaker 1: the whole family over to New Zealand so that we
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  Speaker 1: can go for a big bike ride. It's going to
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  Speaker 1: be cold, it's probably going to rain, and we're just
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  Speaker 1: going to make memories. The memories. I've said to the kids,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: it's going to be memorable. It's going to be memorable.
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  Speaker 1: You'll decide why.
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  Speaker 2: We've been begging them to get on a bike for
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  Speaker 2: about six months.
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  Speaker 1: It's forty k's a day. Forty k's a day. I
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  Speaker 1: mean that's not very far, and it's not particularly herely
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  Speaker 1: because it's a rail trail and trails don't go uphills
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: and downhills. But it's one hundred and sixty k's over
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  Speaker 1: four days. Forty k's a day. And we've said day
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  Speaker 1: one you'll be fine, but day two, if you don't
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  Speaker 1: get your butt used to a saddle, a bicycle saddle,
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  Speaker 1: you are going to feel it on day two and
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  Speaker 1: on day three you're going to cry. And guess how
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  Speaker 1: many bike rides they've been on. None? Zero, we've been
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  Speaker 1: giving them, like we gave them three or four months notice,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: we've been reminding them every week no bike rides. So
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  Speaker 1: we've just said it's going to be memorable. You'll decide why.
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  Speaker 1: But we're going and we're going to have fun. You
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: might not, but we're going to have fun every day.
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  Speaker 1: So that's the end of the housekeeping. After the break,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: we need to talk about it. I'll do better tomorrow
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: because sometimes I just wonder if our kids hear a
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: word we say. That's next. We're back. This is the
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast. I'll Do Better Tomorrow, Friday edition. Kylie,
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: You're going to tell the story because you probably ran
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: this more than I did, but I don't know. Did
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: it work? Did it not work. Let's talk about what
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: we're learning about family life as we continue to raise
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: our children.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: If you've been listening to us for a while now,
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: you will have heard us talk about family meetings. We
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: try to have them as regularly as possible. When we're
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: spot on. It's a weekly event on a Sunday afternoon,
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: we sit down and we spend maybe fifteen twenty minutes
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: max with them. We ask them three questions, what's going well?
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: What's not and what do we want to focus on,
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  Speaker 2: So we haven't done that for a little while. We
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: now have three adult children in our house, and we
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: have got there is more movement in our home than
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: we've ever experienced, three extra drivers, There's just a lot
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: going on. So trying to organize and orchestrate a family
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: meeting and one specific timeframe is tricky, to say the least.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: This time we were missing one child. Yep, she's like,
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  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be there. But we decided that
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: we just we just needed to move forward and do it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: I think one of the things that stands out to
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: me is so often and I feel it personally myself,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: is that we get towards the end of the year
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: and we kind of drop our bundle trying to drag
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: ourselves to the finish line because we are done where
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: we've got nothing left in the tank. But for me,
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I really want to cross that finish line feeling strong.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: And there are some things that have been happening in
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: our family for a little while now that just needed
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: a bit of a tweak. So we sat down. I
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: asked them what was going well, do you remember what
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: the first thing was?
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: They said, no, now that you've raced it. I can't remember.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Didn't they say something like we're all getting along or they.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: Talked about contribution and how they were doing.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Oh, they talked about how much they were contributing. That's right,
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: that was the first thing they said. Oh my joor
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: nearly hit the floor, like are we living in parallel universes?
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Do you think you're contributing? Like seriously? It was at
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: the point. No, it was later on, later on I
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: made this conversation because when we got to the what's
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: not going well? I said contribution and me like, have
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: you bean something bad? Like what is going on here?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: And I said to them, the thing is like Mum's threshold.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: And I pointed at you. I said, your threshold, Mum's
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: threshold for when something needs to be tidy is here.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: And I put my hand at a certain level. And
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: before I could even say another word, they've all gone, yeah,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: where's your threshold? And they pretty they'll put their hands
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: on the floor like like I'm the perfectionist, like like
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I'm the one who can't stand a messy kitchen or
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: something like that. And I said, okay, you don't know
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: where they would have my mind might be a little
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: bit lower. And then I'm like, but yours And then
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I stood up. I'm like, yours is a right up here,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: and you guys are feeling Yeah, you guys are happy
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: to contribute when you notice. But the thing is, you
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: don't notice until about four days after we noticed. Contribution
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  Speaker 1: is about initiative and noticing. It's about it's about seeing
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: that there's something that needs to be and just doing
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: it without being asked. Oh my goodness, like they're adults.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: They're adults, kylie seriously.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: And so over the past week, as I was planning
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: that we would sit down and have this meeting, I
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: was thinking about how things were not functioning very well
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: at the moment and that the brunt of the running
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: of the house is falling on my shoulder.
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  Speaker 1: They really, truly, honestly think that they're contributing. They do,
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: They do. And so I created I thought, you know what,
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: we actually have to go back to a roster.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, we.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Need to bring the chor chart back. So I created
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: four workstations essentially.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Yes, so instead of saying this is your chore, you
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: created like, this is a cluster of chores that all
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: hang together yep. And then I jumped in as I
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: just have now over the top of you, and I said,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: you can do them for a week, you can do
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: them for a month, or you can just say this
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: is my permanent job because we're not going to swap daily.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: And I think weekly not enough. I think you just
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: stuck with this one thing for a month and then
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: we rotate around and that way you get good at
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: it as well.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: And they were like, ohugh, So we have a laundry station,
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: we have a bathroom station, we have a floors station,
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: and we have a kitchen station.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm actually we're only a few days in, but.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we're about to go away.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: But while there was some general pushback in the beginning,
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: once we talked it through, I think there was some
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: buy in. And the last few days, as we've prepared
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: to head away, the girls have checked in and said,
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: all right, does this need to be done today?
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Yep. So the takeome messages. You've just got to keep
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: on doing the reminders, no matter how old they are,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: and no matter how many times you've had the conversation,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: and with appropriate structure, you can actually get the kids
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: to do their thing.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think it's so easy, and I fall into
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: this trap all the time. I kind of just ruw
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: my hands up in the air and go, you know what,
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: I've asked them so many times, there's no point. I
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: just can't be bothered. I'll just do it myself. But
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: then I run myself ragged and I don't show up
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: with my best self, and they don't get the best
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: of me. Yeah, and I don't teach them anything either,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: And so I think that the take home for me
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: is don't give up. You've got to have the conversation.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Don't give up.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: One hundred times, you can get there. You just don't
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: give up.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Don't do it. It's a long game. This parent a
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: game long one last highlight on this as this wrapped
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: up on whatever night. It was Sunday night, and I
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: just emphasized again guys, girls, initiative, contribution, eyes open, notice,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: things that need doing. For some reason, I got out
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: of bed at like nine point thirty ten o'clock because
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I know one of the kids was doing something and
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: I wanted to find out what was going on and
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: tell them to go to bed, turn off the lights. Office.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: The studio that we're recording this podcast in is outside
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: the house right, like we've it's separate, there's a separate
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: entry to get into the office. And somehow, for some reason,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: somebody had left my office light on and the door
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: wide open, and I was like, what's going on there?
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And then it occurred to me that our twenty something,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: one of our twenty something doaorters, had walked out of
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: the house at about nine pm to walk the dog
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: and had walked back into the house at nine point thirty,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: and she'd walked past that open office door with the
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: light beaming out and hadn't noticed, hadn't taken the initiative,
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: and hadn't made the contribution. And I said to her,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: how hard is this? Like contribution? There's a light on,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: turn it off, there's a door open, close it. And
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: she's like, I didn't notice. I don't notice these things.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my goodness, why are we saying this?
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: What's the point? Anyway? We need to wrap it up there.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: We've got a plan to catch we do. So. We
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: have put together a whole lot of great podcasts for
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: the next few days or the next week while we're
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: doing this bike ride. Oh, I can't wait to tell
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: you the story about the bike ride. Just I hope
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: it works. I have it, guys, okay, to help you
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: to experience the psychology of Christmas, magic and all.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: The good psychology.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: So yeah, very good. That's all next week on the pod,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: and we'll be back with another. I'll do better tomorrow
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: to let you know how it's all gone. If we
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: make it, have a wonderful weekend. Hopefully this has helped
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: your family to do better tomorrow. I do those meetings.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: They really do make a difference. What's working, what's not.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: What we do to make things better this week. We
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: hope that it does make your week better. A Happy
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: We really appreciate Mim Hammont's for her research, admin and
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: a whole lot of other support. And if you'd like
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: more infot to make your family happier, you'll find it
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: at Happy families dot com dot a