Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep30: Stories from the Sleepover 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep30: Stories from the Sleepover 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Who's a cheater?
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Anybody cheating tonight?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: Where are the infidels at?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'll wait all goddamn night.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Who is doing it?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: Show some spine.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, cool.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: No cheaters.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: I don't cheat.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: I've been with my wife for 17 years, never cheated.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's pretty good.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, no, I I I deserve that reaction.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: 17 years, never cheated.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: Pretty good.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: Very good.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: 17 years, never cheated, pretty good.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: Also never been offered, so it's pretty easy.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: I would try it.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: If anybody's interested, I'll leave.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'll just stop.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'll get off the stage right now.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_02: Let's do it, man.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: No, I'm not trying.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: Even if I was trying, it wouldn't make a difference.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's over.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: I've been out of the game for 17 years.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: That's a lot of rust.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: I was terrible when I was in the game.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's done.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: How?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: What do you even do?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: I really don't like when guys my age talk about cheating and they're like, the hardest part would be the guilt.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: No, it would be the seduction, you you arrogant prick.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: How?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: In order to be guilty, we have to seduce someone.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: That is insane.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't even seduced my wife yet.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: How do you do it?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: I'm too scared.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's really scary stuff.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: I like documenting how things change in a long-term relationship.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing changes more than the movie watching situation.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: It's pretty funny.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: I have a buddy, he's my age, but he's in a new relationship.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: And he's talking, he's he's sharing stories as if we're at the same point.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: He was talking about movie nights like we had movie night.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: You know how that goes, movie night.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: Watch five minutes, start making out immediately.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: We've been together for 17 years, man.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: We're watching that movie.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Start to finish.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: Are you out of your mind?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: We're not even watching the movie.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: We're just on our phones while the movie plays in the background, accusing the other one of not being present for the movie that I'm not watching either.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: We're not making out, though.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: That's disgusting.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's my wife, buddy.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: Okay?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: Show some respect when you talk about my wife.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: We share the same last name.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: That's incest.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not going to jail, alright?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: I like that we're at a point in society where, as guys, we can just like openly admit we love our wives without being called gay or something.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's a nice development.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not here to just point the finger.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's something we all do too much of, and we don't hold ourselves accountable for how we've been a part of the problem.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: Like I know I have, hopefully you can just acknowledge, do better.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: I grew up in that dumb era and I was part of it, that dumb era where we called everything gay.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: Shut up.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_02: Don't lie.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Canadian and we did it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: I know you did it in America.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: Shut up.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: Don't clench your glue.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, uh-uh, I'm not down here.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: We wouldn't dream of intolerance in America.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: The land of freedom, guns, and acceptance.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Shut up.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: I've been called gay by Americans because I'm Canadian.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: So just shut up.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: Unbelievable.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not condoning it.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's really bad.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's ignorant.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: I feel really bad for the actual gay kids it impacted.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just being honest.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: That didn't stop us from calling everything gay.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Everything.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Didn't even have to be people.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: Concepts were also gay.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Ideas, gay, thoughts.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: Gay as the night is long.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: Someone would be like, hey man, you want to go swimming?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: Another guy's like, nah, swimming's gay.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: And everyone's like, perfect reason to not go swimming.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: Well thought out, well researched, articulate, better steer clear.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: Couple alpha male eight-year-olds like us.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: We have an image to maintain on these on these streets of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: We can't possibly partake in cuckery, like swimming.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: Are you out of your mind?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: We're such hypocrites.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: Just no self-awareness.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: So much irony, because literally all we would do is go around calling everything gay, and then that same night have a sleepover.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what are we doing?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's crazy.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: That's the most romantic thing I've ever done in my life.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: Almost two decades with my wife, nothing even close romantically to a sleepover with the boys, honestly.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: Because really all we're saying to each other is, I like being with you so much.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: Even when I sleep, I want to be next to you.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: I really do.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: I want to just pass out from fellowship with you tonight.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: And there's nothing wrong with that.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: That's really sweet.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's endearing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: I wish I could have expressed anything like that as a guy growing up, but you can't.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: I would get called gay at a sleepover if I said goodnight.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Be at a sleepover with a bunch of dudes, be like, good night, guys.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be like, oh my god, don't be gay.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's what made this gay.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: I hope you rest for a few hours and now it's gay.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: What about the rest, man?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: What about the buildup?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: What about where we are?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: We're in our boxers, sleeping in the same waterbed.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: What about that?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: We're 14.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: Gonna be side by side, hard as rocks for the next eight hours.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Cutting diamonds.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: Painful puberty erections.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Look at me when I say that, sir.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Bursting at the seams.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: But you had to screw it up, boy, saying goodnight like a Nancy boy.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: This was alpha male stuff before.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: It's a couple bulls in the woods, you know, locking horns.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: We might.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'd won wrong rollover.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: He might be clapping each other in 20 minutes.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: That was then.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to improve, you know.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: I live in Brooklyn now, progressive.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: I have never cheated on my wife, but if I do, it's gonna be with a guy, that's for sure.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, she's a no-doubter, bud.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just saying optically, that's kind of the only choice, right?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: 2025, pretty much.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's 2025.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like get with the times, evolve.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's 2025.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like at this point, if you're not by a little homophobic, honestly.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you guys think?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: A little bit.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: You're not?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, Adolf?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Jesus! It's embarrassing.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: Read a book, take a cock, man.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: Holy hell, be the chains.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: Gandhi's words, not mine.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: Just be like Gandhi.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: That's what that was the full quote.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm kidding about that.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if I actually am kidding about the optics.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: I think that would probably be fine.
• 6:36
  unknown: Right?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like if I cheat on my wife with a woman, I think people would be like, what a monster.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: That's crazy.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's violence.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: He hates women.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: How selfish can you be in a monogamous marriage?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: Have sex with someone else.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: That's disgusting.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: But if I just got piped by a dude, we'd all be like, I underestimated Henry.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: Holy hell.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: What an ally.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: Let's go.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: Overcame his toxic marriage.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: Finally do some good.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: Heed the word of Gandhi, you know?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: I think transphobia is a huge waste of time.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I feel like catcalling is bad.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_02: I feel bad for women when I see you get catcalled.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: I feel bad when I catcall you myself, but I do.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Without exception, because I'm an alpha male, as we've established, and that's the law of the jungle, right, boys, huh?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: Dogs gotta eat, right?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna start barking or what?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: Where are all the dogs at?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's all start barking, guys.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: It's a bunch of beta cucks in the crowd.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: It's unbelievable.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: That's the disconnect.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: I understand now.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: I understand what I'm dealing with.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to a point I'm trying to make though is with with being progressive, I do understand when people think there's disingenuous inconsistencies and stuff.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: I get it, you know?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like, there's online cat calling, a woman will post a selfie on Instagram, and if anybody's like, oh my god, what I would do! Look at that ass.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Leave her alone, man.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: Don't objectify her.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the right idea.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: Shouldn't objectify women.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Also, women are women.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: That includes trans women.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_02: So it is kind of weird that trans women will post a selfie on Instagram, and everyone's like, oh my god.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: Boner alert anybody?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: Look at those knockers, man.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: What I would do to that ass.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: We're all like, that's a pretty good guy.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_02: You want to talk about being on the right side of history?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_02: This guy objectifies trans women, yeah.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_02: What an ally.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's incredible.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: How much he objectifies trans women.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: So don't catcall, but if we're being honest, there's a very progressive loophole here.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: Catcall, say whatever it is you're gonna say.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: And if she looks upset, just be like, my bad, swear to God, thought you were trans.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: Think I'm a I think, and I'm trying to be, and I think I'm a progressive guy.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: Don't know if I will be much longer, honestly.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's not even because my politics are changing, it's just the world's changing.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's how it goes.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: When you're a white person trying to be on the right side of history, you are, then a few decades pass, you're not anymore.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm a white person, a dark white.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: I feel pretty good about that, if I'm being honest, I think.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I do.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: Pasty, translucent whites.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: I like to distance myself, quite frankly.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: Often non-white people will ask me if I'm not white, and it feels phenomenal.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't feel bad about saying that at all.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Brighton's my day every time.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: A black dude recently asked me if I was Venezuelan.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, honestly, this means more than my wedding vows ever possibly could have.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: I do get in my head though, of like, what's gonna make me the crusty old angry white guy that's mad all the time?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be that guy.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_02: Nobody wants to be that guy.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: That guy sucks, but the guy's everywhere.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: How do you become him?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: Just always just shh pound in your thigh all the time, nothing's happened.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid of being that guy.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_02: What would make me that guy?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: And I think, honestly, I know.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's robots.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: It's happening, baby.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: AI, robots are here, cyborgs, they're coming.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not making this up.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_02: This is true.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_02: Some people are already advocating for robot rights.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: Horrifying.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's what's gonna do it.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's what's gonna make me the crusty old angry white guy.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: Because what if I have a daughter or something, in like 30 years she's coming home, telling me how she's marrying a mandroid or something like that.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_02: Now I'm the crusty, piece of shit white guy that's like, uh-uh, not my little girl.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely not.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_02: Not marrying one of them, I don't think so.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_02: Well, if she's telling me I'm robophobic or something, you know, that's the fear.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: What if I'm a robophobe?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: Because if robophobe is a thing, I'm telling you right now, I am a rampant robophobe.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna be a closet robophobe, I'm gonna be an in-your-face robophobe.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Huge part of my brand.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna have a robophobic podcast, probably, and shirts and hats and up that say no robo.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: That's how robophobic I am.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_02: I call them robos.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's gonna be that guy now, just always complaining.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: You know, they're just destroying our economy, stealing all our jobs.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: These robos?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: I hate them! My wife bought a sex robot, we get cocked by a robo every night, boys.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: You believe that?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm right there, babe! Use me.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: Can't compete with that steel.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm out of commish.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's crazy.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_02: I just am afraid that's what's gonna make me the guy.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just sitting in an unfurnished room, just uh horse's ass or something, you know.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: Pissed, furious, because of the woksters.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: They're after me.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: I can't leave the house without the PC police on my tail, you know?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: Can't do anything without being robophobic.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_02: Woksters.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: Can't watch Robocop anymore because you're just cop.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody shits their fucking pants.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: I can't do the robot at weddings anymore because it's cultural appropriation.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's gonna be all this video surfacing me just lighting it up at my buddy's wedding.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: It's like the eighth time that dude did full body robot.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: Holy hell.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: He was wildly offensive.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: I want to make it clear.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: These are jokes.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_02: There's a couple guys.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: There's a couple alpha males talking shit.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_02: Good.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: I never want to end a set being uh being preachy or anything, but I do like obviously I'm joking around, these are just jokes.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: Um I really do, I hate ignorance of of of all kinds, but I think selfishly I hate homophobia the most, actually, because it hits really close to home to me because I have a brother who's gay.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: So thanks.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Henry.