Latest / Back Porch Confessions / DID YOU FORGIVE THEM... OR DID YOU JUST LET THEM BACK IN?
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hello, this is Back Porch Confessions, and today we are going to be discussing did you forgive them or did you just let them back in? This is when faith, forgiveness, boundaries, and relationship patterns collide. Hosted by Barbara McCormick. So come on up, come on to the porch. Hey, hey, everybody. It's me, Barbara, and welcome to the Backporch Confessions. Find yourself a comfortable seat, grab that coffee, sweet tea, whatever it is that you're drinking today, and let's get into this discussion. Because, honey, we're about to have one of those conversations that might make you shift around in your chair just a little bit. It made me shift around in mine. You know those conversations where you start out thinking about somebody else? And about halfway through you realize, Lord, we're talking about me. They're talking about me. Yes, this this it's it's one of those episodes. so today we're talking about something I think a whole lot of people have misunderstood, especially those of us who grew up believing that being a good person meant forgiving everybody, giving everybody another chance and always being the bigger person. And if you grew up in church, well pull the chair up a little closer because we're we're gonna talk about what happens when faith forgiveness. boundaries and emotional wounds all get tangled up together. So here's today's question. Did you forgive them or did you just let them back in? In that one, y'all? Let that sit there for a minute. because some of us have called it forgiveness when we actually were doing nothing but trying to avoid conflict. Some of us called it grace. When we were terrified of being abandoned. Some of us called it reconciliation when we simply couldn't tolerate the loneliness. Some of us called it Christian love when we were abandoning ourselves to keep somebody else comfortable. Now before somebody starts typing an angry comment or sending me a message, I believe in forgiveness. If you know me, you know that. I believe in grace. If you know me, you know that. I believe in redemption. I believe people can grow, change, and become better. I believe God can restore relationships. But I also believe that forgiveness, trust, and reconciliation are three very different things. And confusing them can keep us trapped in relationships, relationship patterns we were supposed to actually be learning from. Because forgiving somebody doesn't automatically mean we're trusting them. Trusting somebody doesn't automatically mean giving them unlimited access. And reconciliation doesn't happen simply because one person decided to stop being angry. So today we're unpacking all of it: the psychology, the relationship patterns, the childhood wounds, the fear of abandonment, the people pleasing, the guilt, the faith. And yes, we're going to talk about those folks who. Hurt you on Monday, act like nothing happened on Tuesday, and expect it to be sitting at your dinner table by Wednesday. Because apparently the emotional repair department is closed. But the hospitality department is still very much open and accepting reservations. Mm-hmm. So not today, sweetheart, not today. So what does forgiveness actually mean? Let's dive into that first. Let's start with the word forgiveness, because we throw that word around like everybody understands it. But if you ask 10 people what forgiveness means, you may get 10 different answers. For some people, forgiveness means I'm not angry anymore. For others, I don't want revenge. For somebody else, I'm willing to talk to you again. And for others, everything goes back to normal. But those are not all the same thing. Forgiveness can be understood as a process of working through resentment, anger, and the desire to retaliate after somebody has wronged you. It does not require pretending the harm was acceptable. It does not require forgetting what happened. It does not require immediate emotional peace. And it certainly doesn't require placing yourself back into an unsafe situation. Sometimes forgiveness begins with a decision. Sometimes it develops gradually. Sometimes anger returns while you're healing. That doesn't necessarily mean you've failed. It means healing isn't always a straight line. And here's something I want you to consider. Forgiveness can change your relationship with the pain without changing your relationship with the person. You can stop seeking revenge. You can stop allowing resentment to consume every waking thought. You can wish somebody well and you can pray for them and still recognize that they are not a safe person to have close access to your life. That's not necessarily bitterness. Sometimes that's wisdom. So ask yourself: when I say I've forgiven somebody, what do I actually mean? Have I released the need to retaliate? Have I accepted that the past cannot be changed? Or am I simply pretending I'm okay because I don't want another uncomfortable conversation? Those answers matter. Stop and listen to it again if you need to. So did you forgive them? Or did you fear losing them? Now we're getting somewhere else. Because sometimes we don't let people back in because we've healed. We let them back in because the distance hurts. Think about that. Somebody hurts you, you establish a boundary, maybe you stop talking, maybe you take some space, maybe you finally tell them I cannot continue this relationship the way it is. And at first you feel strong, you're clear, you're certain, but then the loneliness shows up. You miss the conversations, you miss the routine, you miss the familiar voice, you miss having somebody to tell about your day. And suddenly you start questioning everything. Was it really that bad? Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should call. Maybe I should just forgive and move on. But here's the question to that. Did you did your understanding of the situation change? Or did your tolerance for being alone change? Because those are two very different things. And sometimes our attachment system responds to separation as a threat, especially if experienced by or with abandonment, inconsistency, betrayal, or emotional neglect. Distance can activate fear, and fear can make familiarity look like safety. Even when the relationship itself hasn't become safer, you may find yourself wanting. the person back, not because they've repaired anything, but because having them nearby temporarily quiets your anxiety. And that is not the same as forgiveness. That's something we need to explore with compassion and not shame. Because the goal isn't to criticize ourselves for wanting connection. The goal is to recognize when our desire for connection is overriding our need for emotional safety. Stop and listen to that again if you need to. So I want you to sit with this next question a little bit. If I weren't afraid of losing this person, would I make the same decision? And what would that decision be? What what has actually changed since they hurt me? Am I missing this person or am I missing the comfort of the familiarity? Am I choosing recognition or reconnection for peace or from panic? For peace or from panic? Sometimes the most revealing question is gonna be if nothing about their behavior has changed. Would I still invite them back? And if the answer is yes, why? You need to answer that why. So I want you to picture three doors. The first door says forgiveness. The second door says trust. Then the third door says reconciliation. Those doors are related, but they do not automatically open together. Right? So door number one is forgiveness. Forgiveness is about how you choose to process the wrong done to you. You can work toward forgiveness even if the other person never apologizes, even if they never understand, even if they never acknowledge what happened, even if you never speak again, because your healing does not always require your participation. So door number true number two. Tongue twister forming. Door number two is trust. Trust is about whether somebody has demonstrated that they can be relied upon. Trust involves behavior, honesty, reliability, consistency, respect, accountability, and time. You cannot rebuild trust through words alone. An apology may begin the process, but behavior has to carry it forward. Right? So then we get to door number three. That's where reconciliation is. Reconciliation is about restoring the relationship. And and healthy reconciliation generally requires participation, participation from both people. I need a drink, y'all. It requires a willingness to acknowledge what happened. It requires repair. It requires boundaries. It requires enough safety to move forward. One person cannot single handedly create a healthy reconciliation. They can offer it, they can invite it, but they cannot manufacture one person's accountability. So here's the sentence I want you to remember. Forgiveness may be your decision. Trust may be or must be really rather earned. Reconciliation must be mutual. And none of those decisions should require you to ignore your own safety. So, what does scripture say actually about us? What does it teach us? So, I'm gonna bring faith into this for just a minute, real quick, because I want to connect something I've been talking about in my faith post, if you've seen them on TikTok. We talk a lot about Jesus. We talk a lot about forgiveness. We talk a lot about grace. We talk a lot about loving people. But here's a question I've asked before. Does the Jesus we talk about on Sunday change the way we live on Monday? Because faith isn't supposed to be something we only practice when it's convenient. And forgiveness isn't supposed to be a word we use to avoid doing the deeper work of healing. So in Ephesians 432, we're instructed to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving toward one another. That's important. But notice something. The call to forgiveness does not erase the need for truth, repentance and wise relationships. Proverbs four hundred twenty three reminds us to guard our hearts. And Luke seventeen three speaks about confronting wrongdoing and forgiveness in the context of repentance. So those passages invite us to consider both mercy and responsibility. Now I want to be very careful here. Because Christians interpret and apply passages about forgiveness and reconciliation differently. And I'm not going to pretend every complicated relationship can be resolved by quoting one verse. That's ridiculous. But I will say this: you can take forgiveness seriously without treating boundaries as a failure of faith. God did not give you discernment so you could ignore it every time somebody calls you unforgiving. And sometimes the most faithful response isn't pretending everything is fine. Sometimes it's telling the truth with love. Sometimes it's acknowledging harm. Sometimes it's giving somebody room to demonstrate change. And sometimes it's accepting that you cannot make another person participate in restoration. You just can't. So are you extending grace because you genuinely want to? Or because you believe God will be disappointed if you say no. Are you forgiving? Or are you feeling spiritually pressured to remain available? Because faith should not become a weapon used to silence someone's pain. And I want you to remember that. So when we go from that point to the next, we start to get into people glazing. And my, do I have some people pleasers? So I want you to come a little closer right now. Sit right here. I've got a chair with your name on it. Because this one is going to feel personal. It is going to feel personal. Some of us learned early that how do I want to say this? Keeping everybody happy was the safest way to survive. If mom was upset, we tried to fix it. If dad was angry, we tried not to make things worse. If somebody withdrew affection, we chased them. If somebody rejected us, we worked harder. And eventually we became adults who believed that relationships were our responsibility to maintain. even when we were the ones being hurt. So what happens when somebody mistreats us? We get upset. Maybe we set a boundary. We feel guilty. And then we apologize for the boundary. Lord have mercy. We end up comforting the person who hurt us. Yes, I'm talking to the people placers. And somehow we become responsible for making them feel better. Right? And you say like, What you said really hurt me and they'll respond with, Well, I guess I'm just a terrible person. And now you're saying no no no no you're not a t you're not terrible. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry. Wait. Wait. How did we get here? You brought up something hurtful, and now you're apologizing for their emotional reaction. That's a pattern worth examining, right? Not every defensive reaction is manipulation. Sometimes people struggle with shame. But if your concerns repeatedly disappear because they're busy reassuring, well, you would be busy actually doing the reassuring. You're busy reassuring the other person. The relationship isn't getting repaired. The gon the conversation isn't getting redirected. You're stuck, right? You're stuck in that moment because nothing was really ever resolved other than you somehow forgave them and what they did got swept under the carpet. But we get there all the time, right? So the conversation just became about something else and not about what was actually going on, because that's how people please yourself. Wake up and do their days. And again, I'm not being mean about people pleasers. I am a people pleaser. I can do these things. I'm preaching to me, the choir. So I have a question for the people pleasers in this. Do you forgive because you're ready? Or do you forgive because you cannot tolerate somebody being disappointed in you? Because being compassionate and being compliant are not the same thing. And I want you to remember that because forgiveness without accountability, well, that's where relationships get stuck. Somebody hurts you, they say they're sorry, you forgive them, everything goes back to normal, they do it again, they apologize, you forgive them, everything goes back to normal, and the cycle continues, right? Eventually you begin wondering. Why does forgiving them never seem to change anything? Because forgiveness is not a behavioral intervention. Your forgiveness does not automatically teach somebody emotional regulation. It doesn't automatically create honesty. It doesn't automatically stop disrespect. And it definitely doesn't automatically change attachment patterns. And it doesn't automatically produce accountability. Forgiveness may be part of your healing, but the other person's growth is still their responsibility. Let me give you an example. Suppose somebody repeatedly lies to you. They apologize, you forgive them, but you immediately restore the same level of trust without any conversation about honesty, consequences, or change. So what has actually been repaired? Maybe your anger has softened, but the trust problem remains. And if you ignore that, the relationship may continue operating with the same vulnerability. An apology acknowledges the past. Accountability changes what happens next. There's a difference. That's the difference. So there's a danger of confusing when you get from From that point to this point, in confusing the peace that you may find with access, the peace that you find with forgiveness with access. So sometimes people say, I just want peace. I don't want drama. I don't want to fight. I don't want to hold grudges. And those can be beautiful intentions, honestly. But peace doesn't necessarily mean allowing everybody. Back into your life. Sometimes peace looks like reconciliation. Sometimes peace looks like distance. Sometimes peace looks like a relationship with new boundaries. Or peace can look like loving someone without participating in the same unhealthy cycle. You can be at peace with someone without me. Without having to be close to them. You can stop arguing without pretending you trust them. You can wish someone well without giving them your phone number, house key, or emotional availability. And honey, just because somebody knocks does not mean every door needs to be open to them. Some folks need to learn that your front door is not a revolving door. Especially when they've spent years walking in, creating chaos, walking out, and coming back like they're checking into a bed and breakfast. No ma'am, no ham and no gravy. We are officially updating our check-in policy. Accountability is required here. Don't forget that. So some of us lead from that to okay, you want me to be accountable, you want all these things, but how do I get past the fear of being the bad person in this? Well, let's talk about guilt, because guilt can make healthy boundaries feel wrong. You stop answering somebody's calls, you feel guilty. You decline an invitation, you feel guilty. You tell someone you're not ready to reconnect, you feel guilty. And immediately your mind starts saying, Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm being unchristian. Maybe I'm being too hard on them. Maybe I should give them another chance. But guilt isn't always proof you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilt shows up because you're doing something unfamiliar. If you've spent your entire life making yourself available to everyone, having a boundary may feel uncomfortable. Not because it's wrong, but because it's new. And because sometimes people will reinforce that guilt. They'll say something like, I thought you were a Christian. I thought you believed in forgiveness. Don't you know what the Bible says? I thought family was very important to you. I thought you loved me. Those statements can carry enormous enormous, enormous emotional weight, right? But your faith does not require you to answer every demand. For access. Doesn't state that in the Bible anywhere. You can respond with things like, I do believe in forgiveness. I also believe in rebuilding trust. Takes time. That's not a contradiction. That's just clarity. Try it. So when we get that clarity and we set those boundaries, we still find ourselves, okay, so I've decided I'm not the bad person, but now I miss the familiarity of things. So we find ourselves returning to familiar relationship patterns. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about the psychology of that. Why do we repe repeatedly return to relationships that hurt us? Sometimes because of attachment. Because of fear, sometimes because of hope, sometimes because of financial dependence, family obligations, shared children, or even just practical circumstances, sometimes because we genuinely see meaningful improvement, and sometimes because familiarity can feel easier to tolerate than uncertainty. If you grew up around unpredictable affection, You may become especially sensitive to the moments of reconnection. So if you learned that love had to be earned, you may work harder when somebody, say, withdraws. If you experience abandonment, distance may trigger intense anxiety for you. And when that person returns, your relief can feel like proof that reconnecting was the right decision. But relief isn't always the same as safety. Remember that. That's something we discussed in our conversations about sudden kindness after conflict. Remember, if you listen to that podcast, someone hurts you, then they become sweet, then tension disappears, you feel better, but nothing was actually ever resolved. So you're asking yourself, am I forgiving a repaired injury? Or am I returning to a familiar pattern because I need the discomfort to stop? That's not a question to shame yourself with. It is a question to understand yourself. So when you get to that point, I need you to also understand that there's a difference between remorse and consequences. So let's look at the other person's behavior. Somebody can be sorry they hurt you. And somebody can be sorry their actions caused consequences. Those experiences can overlap, but they are not identical. Remorse may sound like I understand why that hurt you. I shouldn't have done that. I want to understand what you need. I know rebuilding trust may take time. Fear of consequences may sound like I said I'm sorry. Why are you still upset? How long are you going to punish me? When are things going back to normal? Now We shouldn't diagnose someone's motives based on one sentence. However, people can be genuinely remorseful and still become defensive, but repeated patterns reveal whether the person is willing to participate in actual repair. And that brings us back to the question: did you forgive them or did you just let them back in? Because they were suddenly being nice. Because kindness is not the same as accountability. And remorse is not the same as changed behavior. Remember that. Trust is built on ordinary Tuesdays. If you've listened to the back porch confessions. TikTok Lives or Podcast for a while, you know I've I love talking about consistency, because consistency is one of the most underrated qualities in a relationship. Grand gestures, as wonderful as they may be, flowers can be very beautiful, romantic dinners are just lovely, but trust isn't built only through extraordinary moments. It's built through ordinary ones. It's built when somebody tells the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable. It's built when they respect your boundaries without getting angry. It's built when they follow through on promises. It's built when they remain respectful during disagreement. It's built when they take responsibility without making you drag an apology out of them. That chaps my tail. And it's built when they behave consistently even after the immediate consequences have passed. That's why I call it the ordinary Tuesday test. Not the anniversary, not the birthday, not the day after the huge argument, just Tuesday. How do they treat you when there's nothing to win back? That's where trust begins rebuilding. So a lot of Gen X families and before families use forgiveness as an obligation, right? I want to talk a little bit about families because family relationships can make boundaries especially complicated. You you hear things like, but that's your mother, but that's your father, but that's your sister, that's your brother. But is Blood blood is thicker than water, I guess. And my personal favorite, that's just how they are. Okay. And this is just how my boundary is. What are we doing? Family relationships can be deeply meaningful, and preserving family connections can be very important. But family status does not automatically anim eliminate. The need for respect. You can love your parents and acknowledge that certain conversations are harmful. You can love your siblings and decline to participate in repeated conflict. You can love your adult children while maintaining appropriate boundaries. You can love relatives without allowing every family gathering to become an emotional battlefield. And sometimes the healthiest relationship isn't complete. Closeness or complete estrangement. Sometimes it's a relationship with limits. Maybe shorter visits. Maybe certain topics are off limits, off the table. Maybe communication happens less frequently. Maybe you need time before reconnecting. The point isn't to punish. The point is to create a relationship you can participate in without repeatedly abandoning your emotional well-being. So when your marriage and forgiveness collide, how does that look? Marriage adds a whole nother leather layer to it, right? Leather. Because when you've made a commitment to somebody, you feel an enormo enormous responsibility to preserve that relationship, right? And commitment matters. Working through conflict matters. Learning to forgive matters, but marriage doesn't eliminate the need for accountability. If trust has been damaged through dishonesty, betrayal, repeated disrespect or other serious things, other serious harm, forgiveness may be part of the healing process, but reconciliation requires actual work. Sometimes that includes counseling, sometimes new agreements, sometimes rebuilding emotional intimacy. Sometimes changed behavior over a long period. Sometimes both people learning how to communicate differently. Sometimes relationships cannot be safely or healthily restored. You cannot carry both people's responsibilities. You can take ownership of your part. You can communicate your needs, and you can offer opportunities for repair when appropriate. But you cannot force another person or another adult to become accountable, unfortunately. And please hear me on this. Being committed to your marriage does not mean you must accept abuse, intimidation, coercion, threats, managing, mean, condescending behavior. Safety comes first. A relationship cannot be repaired through one person's willingness to tolerate them. Remember that. So when when they want access before they've rebuilt trust, have you ever had somebody apologize and immediately expect everything to return to normal? They want the same conversations, the same closeness, privileges, the same emotional access, right? The same trust. And when you're hesitant, they say what? But if they say, Well, I thought you forgave me. Here's a response worth remembering. I can forgive you and still need time to rebuild trust. That's not revenge, that's not punishment, and that's not necessarily holding a grudge. It's acknowledging that trust was damaged. Imagine somebody borrows your car. And repeatedly drives recklessly. Eventually, you stop handing them the keys, right? They apologize, you forgive them. But does that mean you immediately hand them the keys again? Probably not, not necessarily. Because forgiveness doesn't magically change their driving habits. Some of us have been handing people the keys to our emotional lives over. And over again, while wondering why we keep ending up in the same ditch. At some point, maybe the keys need to stay in your purse. Maybe they need to stay on the counter. Wherever it is you're hiding your keys. Maybe they need to stay there for a bit. So I've been asked this a few times. Can you forgive without apology? Well, this is one of the hardest questions in my opinion. Can you forgive someone who never apologizes? For many people, yes. Forgiveness can be a personal process that does not depend on receiving an apology. But I want to make room for something important here. Not every one deserves forgiveness at the same pace or receives forgiveness at the same pace. And nobody should be pressured to announce forgiveness before they're ready. Sometimes the first step is simply acknowledging the hurt. Sometimes it's grieving, anger. Sometimes it's accepting that the person may never understand what they did. Sometimes it's deciding you no longer want revenge. Sometimes it's learning how to stop organizing your life around what happened. And sometimes forgiveness comes later. There's no need to fake emotional resolution. You can work toward peace without pretending you've arrived, right? And your healing can continue even if the other person never says, I'm sorry. So how does that go from forgiveness then and reconciliation at this point? I want to make this practical. Imagine a friend betrayed your confidence. You shared something in private. They told other people. You were devastated. Eventually you work through your anger. You decide not to retaliate. You no longer wish them harm. You may even forgive them. But you also recognize they haven't demonstrated that they can protect your privacy. So you decide not to share deeply personal information with them anymore. It's a boundary. Now imagine they acknowledge what happened. They apologize. They understand the impact. They consistently respect your privacy. Over time you may decide to rebuild trust. Perhaps the friendship grows again. That's reconciliation. Do you see the difference? Forgiveness may happen within you. Trust develops through experience. Reconciliation happens through mutual participation. And sometimes reconciliation doesn't happen. That doesn't automatically invalidate forgiveness. It just doesn't they you don't have to have reconciliation. If you forgive someone, doesn't mean they have to be in your life. They don't need access. So what what happens if you really have like really changed? Now let's be fair. Because I don't want this podcast turning into a a courtroom where everybody in our past gets sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. People can and will change. People can and will grow. People can recognize harmful behavior. Sometimes they just don't see it until someone points it out. People can become more emotionally mature. And sometimes relationships can become healthier than they were before. But change should be evaluated through evidence, not perfection, evidence. They Well, are they more accountable? Are they communicating differently? Are they respecting boundaries? Are they acknowledging harm? Are they maintaining changes over time? Can they tolerate difficult conversations? Are they willing to listen? That's a big one. Are you able to participate in the relationship without constantly feeling like you must suppress your needs? Those things matter big time. We don't want to be so guarded that genuine growth becomes invisible to us, but we also don't want to mistake one good week for a transformed relationship. Both extremes can keep us from seeing clearly. So what is the role of faith in rebuilding trust? I'm gonna come back to scripture on this again, because Romans twelve eighteen reminds us, as far as it depends on us to live peaceably with others, I love that passage because it acknowledges something important. There is a part that depends on us. And there are parts that don't. You can choose how you communicate. You can choose whether you retaliate. You can choose whether you tell the truth. You can choose whether you act with compassion, empathy. But you cannot choose somebody else's honesty. You cannot choose somebody else's. Accountability. You cannot choose somebody else's willingness to repair. You cannot choose somebody else's character. And that connects to another message I share often. Let go and let God. But letting go doesn't mean becoming passive about your own boundaries. Sometimes letting go means releasing the belief that you can force somebody to change. It means doing your part without trying to control theirs. It means trusting God while making wise decisions about your own life. And sometimes the most peaceful thing you can say is I've done what I can. The rest is not mine to control. So, what happens when you have your need for closure and that keeps reopening a door? Sometimes we let people back in because we want closure. We want answers. We want an explanation. We want them to finally understand. We want them to acknowledge how much they hurt us. And that desire is understandable. But sometimes the person who caused the hurt is not willing or able to provide the closure we're seeking. So we keep reopening communication. One more conversation, one more opportunity, one more explanation. Maybe this time they'll understand. Maybe this time they'll apologize. Maybe this time they'll finally see my worth. And sometimes they do, but sometimes we spend years trying to receive understanding from somebody who's repeatedly demonstrated that they are not prepared to give it. They're not prepared to be in it. That's when healing may require a different question. Not how do I make them understand? But maybe more like how do I move forward? even if they never do, because your worth does not depend upon somebody else's ability to recognize it. And your healing cannot always wait for their cooperation. Did you forgive or did you just abandon yourself? This is the heart of today's episode for me, and I want you to sit with this for a minute. Did you forgive them or did you abandon yourself to preserve the relationship? Did you genuinely process what happened? Or did you silence your feelings because you were afraid they'd leave? Did you choose reconciliation because trust was rebuilding? Or because you couldn't stand the distance? Did you extend grace? Or did you feel obligated to make their discomfort disappear? Did you make a conscious decision or did you fall back into a familiar pattern? Because those questions aren't meant to make you feel ashamed. They aren't meant to they aren't meant to help you recognize the difference. Well, I wouldn't say aren't. Maybe they are meant to help you recognize the difference between healing and survival habits, is what I want to say there. Because some of us learned to survive relationships by becoming smaller, quieter, more agreeable, less demanding. less expressive. We learn to stop asking questions. Stop bringing things up. Stop expressing disappointment. And then we call the absence of conflict peace. But peace that requires you to disappear into a space If you have peace, it requires you to be able to disappear into a space that the two of you have reconciled on. Does that make sense? But peace that requires you to disappear. alone by being quiet and small and unheard, that isn't the kind of peace we're trying to build. Right? So we want the peace where where everybody is cohesive. That's peace. Absent conflict here, absent conflict here. But when you're over here and this piece is is fundamentally changing who you are and you can't be that person anymore. That's that's not where you wanna be. That's not the peace that you're looking for, right? You're looking for the peace that is cohesive with two people, as the Bible says, two people. That work together as one. The man is not over the woman, the woman is not below the man. It's togetherness. It's a team. That's where you find peace when you have the two of you together in peace. So, what me saying all that, that leads us leads us into like what healthy forgiveness can sound like. So let's practice some language here. Because knowing what you believe, knowing how to communicate it are two different things. You might say, I'm working toward forgiveness, but I'm not ready to rebuild the relationship. Or maybe even I forgive what happened, but I still need boundaries. I appreciate your apology. Apology. Trust will take time. I will Be willing to talk about reconciliation, but we need to address what happened. I don't wish you any harm, but I don't believe reconnecting is healthy for me. I love you, but love alone isn't enough to resolve this pattern. I want us to move forward, but I don't want us to repeat the same cycle. Did you notice something? None of those statements require attacking the other person. They communicate your position, they honor your needs, and they leave room for honesty, transparency. That's what we're working toward. So what what do you do in the instance if they come back to you and they're like, well, you're holding a grudge. Here comes the familiar line, right? You're holding a grudge. You're living in the past. You never let anything go. You said you forgave me. And sometimes those concerns deserve honest reflection, but because people can use past mistakes to punish someone indefinitely. That isn't healthy either, right? Retaliation is not healthy. But bringing up unresolved harm is not automatically holding a grudge. Requesting accountability isn't revenge. It doesn't equal revenge. Requiring time isn't cruelty. And maintaining a boundary isn't necessarily bitterness. The distance or the difference rather, I don't even know where I got distance from. The difference often lies in your purpose. Are you trying to punish or are you simply trying to protect? Are you bringing up the past to hurt somebody? Or because the same pattern is happening again? Are you refusing to recognize genuine change? Or has meaningful change never really actually occurred? It was temporary. Those questions help us examine our motives without automatically surrendering our boundaries. We're going to stop for a commercial break here. I hope you come back to listen to part two. I shall return in just a moment. Gravesb41: Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. Back Porch Confessions: If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. Hey guys, welcome back. Thank you for listening to the commercials. We're moving on to the part of you don't have to hate somebody to keep distance. I know that seems very difficult to understand, and for a lot of people, they feel like distance is absolutely what they need. But just hear me out. Here's something I wish more people really understood. You don't have to hate someone. To decide that closeness isn't healthy. You don't have to be angry forever. You don't have to wish them any kind of failure. You don't have to tell everybody what they did. You can simply recognize this relationship isn't healthy for me in its current form. And then make the decision accordingly. Sometimes distance is temporary, sometimes it's permanent. Sometimes it's with limited contact, and sometimes it's a different kind of relationship. The decision depends on the circumstances, but your ability to forgive does not have to be measured by how much access you give somebody. And that's worth repeating. Your forgiveness is not measured by somebody else's access to you. Okay? So I want to have the conversation with the women who always give another chance. Let me talk to the woman who's always understanding, the one who sees the good in everybody, the one who knows what they've been through, the one who makes excuses because she knows their childhood wasn't easy. The one who says they didn't mean it. They're just hurting. They've had a hard life. They just don't know how to communicate. They've been abandoned before. They have rejection syndrome. And maybe every single one of those things is true. But sweetheart, where are you in this conversation? Where is your hurt? Where are your needs? What is your emotional safety? Where is your voice? Where is the compassion for the woman who's been carrying all of this? You can understand somebody's wounds without volunteering to become the place where they repeatedly act those wounds out. You can also have compassion without becoming responsible for their healing. You can love without rescuing. You can forgive without surrendering your peace. And sometimes the person who needs your grace the most. Is you. Forget that. So now we go into the one who feels guilty for choosing herself, for choosing you, for not forgetting you. Some of you feel guilty even hearing me say that. Choosing myself? Well, that sounds selfish. But taking care of yourself isn't automatically selfish. There's a difference between self selfishness and self-respect. Selfishness disregards other people's legitimate needs. Self-respect recognizes that your needs matter too. And if you've spent years putting everybody else's first, that distinction may feel very unfamiliar. You may have to practice saying, I need time. I'm not comfortable with that. I can't continue this conversation if we're insulting each other. I care about you. But I can't fix this for you. I'm willing to reconnect reconnect when we can address the issue respectfully. Those are not declarations of hatred. Those are expressions of boundaries, and boundaries can coexist with love. So I want return to something I believe deeply about all of this. Faith can be a source of strength during healing. Prayer can help us reflect. Scripture can challenge us to act with integrity. Community can support us, and surrender can help us release things we cannot control. But our faith shouldn't be used to avoid the emotional work that healing. Requires. You can pray and still go to counseling. You can forgive and still grieve. You can trust God and still set boundaries. You can believe in restoration and still recognize when somebody isn't participating in repair. You can love your neighbor without allowing them to repeatedly harm you. And you can seek peace without pretending everything is okay. Sometimes faith helps us find the courage to have difficult conversations. Sometimes it helps us release resentment. Sometimes it helps us accept that we cannot change another person. That's a That's a tough one for women, especially. And sometimes it helps us to walk away from a pattern we've spent years trying to fix. Not because we've stopped loving, but because we've finally understood what is and isn't ours to carry. So we have that forgiveness inventory. that we deal with in this. So let's do something practical here. I want you to think about one relationship. You don't have to say the person's name, just think of it in your head. You don't have to tell anybody, just think of it in your head. So just think. Now I want you to ask yourself, what happened? What happened with that person? What hurt what hurt you? Have I allowed myself to acknowledge that hurt? Did the person accept responsibility? Did their behavior change and remain consistent? Have I rebuilt trust based on evidence? Or have I simply resumed the relationship because I missed them? Do I feel Free to communicate honestly? Can I say no? Can I maintain boundaries? Do I feel pressured to pretend everything is fine? Am I holding on to resentment? Am I holding on to hope? Am I holding on to fear? And here's the biggest one. If this relationship stayed exactly as it is today, would I still choose it? Not the version you hope it becomes. Not the version it was five years ago. The relationship as it exists today. that question can reveal a lot. So be sure to pause this and take time to really thoroughly go over that. Because now I'm gonna go into the difference between giving grace and repeating a cycle. Let's talk about that second chance. As you know, I believe in second chances are not, I usually don't do take me backs, but I did it with my husband. And there's a difference between a second chance and the same chance repeated endlessly. A meaningful second chance usually includes something different, new awareness, new accountability, new behavior, new boundaries, new effort. But if nothing changes, then what are we actually giving another chance to? The same pattern? The same excuses? The same old apologies, the same dad blame hurt. Grace doesn't require us to ignore reality. And forgiveness doesn't automatically mean repeating the same decisions. Sometimes grace looks like offering another opportunity. And sometimes grace looks like being honest about the consequences of somebody's behavior. And sometimes grace looks like releasing someone. Without hatred. Because at some point you have to decide what is better, right? What is the role of accountability in in a Christian relationship for all of this? One thing I think we sometimes overlook is the accountability can be an expression of love. If somebody's behavior is damaging a relationship per se, or ignoring it doesn't necessarily help them, pretending it didn't happen. Doesn't necessarily help them. Constantly protecting them from consequences doesn't necessarily help them. Sometimes loving somebody means being willing to say, this behavior is hurting us. And I want something healthier. That isn't cruelty. That's honesty. And if we expect grace from other people, we should also be willing to practice accountability ourselves. Because this conversation isn't only about the people who hurt us. It's also about the ways we may have hurt others too. Have we apologized? Have we listened? Have we respected their boundaries? Have we expected forgiveness to erase consequences? Have we demanded trust before rebuilding it? Have we used our faith as a reason somebody should stop talking about what we did? Because real growth requires looking where? Inward. We have to look inward too, right? So when the person is asking for forgiveness, what do you do with that? Turn the mirror around. Maybe you hurt somebody. Maybe you broke trust. Maybe you handled conflict badly. Maybe you were dishonest. Maybe you crossed a boundary. And now you want forgiveness? That's understandable. But forgiveness is not something you can demand on your timeline. You can apologize, you can take responsibility, and you can make amends where possible. You can change your behavior. You can respect their need for space, but you cannot force them to trust you again. And you cannot demand reconciliation simply because you're sorry. That's one of the hardest parts of accountability. Accepting that your actions may have consequences even after you've genuinely changed. That doesn't mean you're beyond redemption. It means the other person still has agency. And respecting that agency is part of becoming healthier. So what does reconciliation re require in this? What does that look like? Let's talk about what genuine reconciliation can involve. First, it's going to involve what? It's going to involve acknowledgement. Both parties, both people need enough shared understanding of what happened to move forward honestly. And then second comes accountability, right? The person who caused harm needs to accept responsibility for their part. And then third, we go into boundaries. There needs to be clarity about what is and isn't acceptable between the two people. And then fourth goes into consistency. Changed behavior needs to continue beyond the immediate crisis. So important. Can't you can't intermittently be this way. You can't do it just to get somebody back and not stick with it. You have to remain consistent. In the behavior change. So, fifth, we go into communication. Both people need enough emotional safety to discuss concerns. And then we go to the sixth part, which is willingness. Both people have to want to participate. Now that doesn't mean every situation will be perfect. People will make mistakes. Communication can be messy. Progress can be uneven. But reconciliation requires more than simply reopening the door. It requires building a healthier relationship on the other side of it. It's the relationship you're trying to save. Sometimes we become so focused on saving a relationship that we forget to ask what we're actually saving. Are we saving something healthy that experienced a difficult season? Or are we preserving a pattern that repeatedly hurt us? Are both people growing? Or is one person doing all of the emotional labor? Are we are we working through conflict or avoiding it? Are we rebuilding trust or pretending it was never broken? These are difficult questions and sometimes the answers are complicated, especially when love, family, marriage, children, finances, faith, and even history are involved. There isn't always a simple answer, but avoiding the questions doesn't make the relationship healthier. It just postpones the conversation. Do I think you can be grateful for the good and honest about the bad? I know that probably sounds really crazy, but I want I want to say something to that that might help somebody here. You can appreciate the good moments in a relationship without denying the painful ones. You can acknowledge that somebody loved you in certain ways and still recognize that other Behaviors were harmful. You can be grateful for what you learned, and you can honor the history. You can remember the laughter and you can remember the kindness and still decide that something needs to change. Human relationships are complicated to say the least. People aren't always entirely good or entirely bad. Sometimes the same person Who brought you joy also caused you pain. And learning to hold both truths can be part of a healing process. You don't have to rewrite every happy memory to justify a boundary. And you don't have to ignore every painful memory to justify love. Both can exist. So what is forgiveness? What is confusing forgiveness is really what I'm wanting to say. What is confusing forgiveness without forgetting? There's a book I read recently, Forgiving What You Can't Forget, right? How many times have you heard forgive and forget? And now I understand what people are trying to communicate. They don't want us consumed by bitterness. They want us to move forward. But forgiving forgiving or well, I don't know, forgetting mainly, forgetting isn't always possible. And remembering isn't automatically unhealthy. Sometimes remembering protects us from repeating a pattern. Sometimes remembering helps us maintain a boundary. Sometimes it helps us to remind us. Of what we've learned from the process. The goal isn't to live trapped in the past. The goal is to learn from it without allowing it to control every decision we make. You can release resentment while retaining wisdom. That's so important to remember. That's a powerful distinction, right? Right? You can release resentment while retaining wisdom. That's so powerful. So maybe in all of this you've been just praying for some peace, praying for clarity, praying for healing, praying for restoration, maybe for somebody to change. And perhaps part of your journey is learning that peace doesn't always arrive through getting the outcome you want it. Sometimes peace arrives through acceptance, acceptance that you cannot control somebody's choices. Acceptance that love doesn't guarantee compatibility. Acceptance that forgiveness doesn't guarantee reconciliation. Acceptance that you can do everything within your control and still not receive the response you hoped for. Sometimes peace begins when you stop trying to force a relationship to become something both people aren't building. That doesn't mean you stop believing in miracles. It means you stop confusing faith. With control. So what would you tell your daughter or your best friend in this situation? This is an exercise that I really love. Imagine somebody you love comes to you with your exact situation. Your daughter, your sister, or maybe your best friend, someone whose well-being matters deeply to you. They tell you what happened. They tell you how they've been hurt. They tell you what the person's promised, and they tell you what keeps happening. And then they ask you, do you think I should let them back in? What would you say? Would you tell them to ignore their boundaries? Would you tell them they were selfish for needing time? Would you tell them forgiveness means they have to trust immediately? Or would you encourage them to slow down, observe behavior, and protect their emotional well being? Sometimes we offer other people a level of compassion and wisdom. We struggle to offer ourselves. Maybe it's time to ext extend, sorry y'all, extend some of the compassion we we have for people. Bring that inward. Bring that into us. Hold ourselves in that compassion. I know a lot of people that I talk to on a routine basis. Are very guarded right now. And I want those of you that are guarded to understand that there is a difference between being guarded and being wise. I I don't want anybody leaving this episode believing the goal is to become suspicious of everyone. That's not healing. If we treat every apology as a manipulation. Every act of kindness as some kind of emotional bait, every mistake as proof somebody is unsafe. We can become trapped in fear. Discernment isn't the same as hypervigilance. Discernment observes. Hypervigilance assumes danger. Discernment allows information. Hypervigilance may struggle to recognize. Change. The goal is not to become impossible to reach. The goal is to become intentional about who receives access and why. You can remain loving, you can remain compassionate, and you can be hopeful and still be wise. It can all go together. So what is it that you're still angry about? Let's talk about the anger that gets mixed into this sometimes. Because sometimes people believe that if they're still angry, they haven't forgiven. But emotions don't always disappear on command. You can make a sincere decision to work toward forgiveness and still experience sadness, anger, grief, even disappointment. Especially when something reminds you of what happened. That doesn't automatically erase your progress. Healing can involve revisiting painful emotions without becoming controlled by them. So struggle for me. The question isn't necessarily do I ever feel angry? I do. The question might be instead, what am I doing with that anger? I have to stop myself, you guys. Am I using it to retaliate? Or am I allowing it to dominate my life? Or am I learning to understand it, process it, and respond it and respond to it in healthy ways? Anger can sometimes signal that something important was violated. It can point us toward a boundary. The goal isn't to shame the emotions. It's to decide what we do with it. So let's let's leave room for hope in there. Because sometimes two people genuinely do work. They acknowledge what happened, they apologize, they seek support, they change patterns, they learn to communicate, they build trust, they become more emotionally aware, and the relationship grows into something much healthier. That's possible. Sometimes people need distance to recognize what needs to change. Sometimes they need counseling, sometimes they need difficult conversations, sometimes they need to confront their own children. I'm gonna leave that one out. I'm gonna leave that one out. Sometimes they need to confront their own childhood patterns. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna include the children. That's a different subject. My brain was going there, but I'm gonna stop. But we do need to hold our own childhood patterns accountable. Sometimes, sometimes we need to learn that love requires more than good attention, intentions, right? And sometimes the relationship becomes stronger because both people are finally willing to do the work. But notice the important part here. Both people. Reconciliation isn't one person. Forgiving hard. Forgiving is hard enough. But for two people, it's even harder. Both have to forgive things that happened in the relationship. Both people. So where do we go when we discover through all of this that maybe maybe reconciliation isn't possible? And sometimes, despite your prayers, despite your efforts, despite your forgiveness and even your willingness, the other person doesn't participate. They don't acknowledge the harm. They don't change, or they change shortly, and then they go back to who they were. They don't respect your boundaries. They don't respect you. They don't want the same kind of relationship you want. And that can be heartbreaking because sometimes you're not grieving. The relationship you hoped you could have with them. The parent you wanted, the partner rather. I don't even know why I said parent. Lord help me all, help me. Jesus. The partner you wanted, the partner you believed they could become, the friendship you thought would last forever, the family dynamic you wished existed. That's real grief. And it doesn't go away. And it deserves compassion. But you cannot build reconciliation alone. It takes both people. And accepting that doesn't mean you have failed. Please remember that. Accepting that fact doesn't mean you failed. If reconciliation doesn't happen, it does not mean you failed. So I wanna go a little bit into the person who is the take me back person, who keeps going back, who breaks up all the time. I want to speak gently to the person who keeps returning. Maybe you've left and gone back. Maybe you've established boundaries and abandoned them. Maybe you've said this is the last time more times than you can actually count. I'm not here to shame you. Relationships can involve complicated emotional, financial, familial, and practical ties. And leaving or changing a relationship isn't always simple. But I do want you to get curious. What keeps drawing you back? Is it genuine improvement? Shared responsibilities? Fear? loneliness, guilt, pressure maybe? A belief that you cannot survive without the relationship. Understanding your reasons can help you make decisions with greater clarity. And if the relationship involves threats, coercion, violence, fear, please remember to prioritize your safety and seek appropriate support. Please, because you deserve help navigating those circumstances without judgment. So I know that it's scary to be in that position to make that decision to step away, especially if you don't have the ability or the support around you to really take care of yourself. It's not an easy choice to make. But you yourself and your children deserve better. If you have children, if you don't, then you yourself deserve better. I would like to pray over us. For those of you who find strength in prayer, I want to offer a moment of reflection. God help me to recognize the difference between forgiveness and fear. Help me release resentment without abandoning wisdom. Help me extend grace without surrendering healthy boundaries. Help me see people clearly, not only through my wounds or my hopes. Give me courage to acknowledge what hurts. Give me humility to recognize where I need to grow. Give me discernment when deciding whom to trust. And help me accept what I cannot control. Teach me to love with compassion, to forgive without pretending, to establish boundaries without hatred, and to seek peace without losing myself. Amen. I have thought I have five questions before you open that door again that I want you to ask yourself. So if you're considering reconnecting with somebody who hurts you, I want you to ask these five questions. Number one, what has actually changed? Not what they've promised, but what have they demonstrated has actually changed? Number two, am I making this decision because I feel emotionally safe or because I feel afraid of losing them? Number three, Can I communicate my boundaries without being punished, intimidated, or pressured? Four, has trust been rebuilt through consistency or am I expecting forgiveness to do the work of rebuilding trust? And number five, if the old pattern returns, do I know what I will do to protect my well-being? Those questions aren't meant to make the decision for you. They are meant to help you make the decision. Consciously. So I want to go to that ordinary two so that I've talked about a lot lately. Here's my back porch challenge for you guys this week. Don't just examine what people say after conflict. Examine what happens when life returns to normal. Do they follow through? Do they respect your boundaries? Do they communicate? Do they show consideration? Do they remain accountable? And don't forget to examine yourself too. Are you communicating honestly? Are you recognizing genuine change? Are you maintaining boundaries without using them as punishment? Are you working through resentment? Are you taking responsibility for your part? Because healthy relationships aren't built through one perfect apology. No. They're built through repeated experiences of honesty, respect, repair. So here we are, back where we started. Did you forgive them or did you just let them back in? Maybe the answer is forgiveness. Maybe the answer is fear. Maybe it's love, hope, maybe it's even guilt. Maybe it's just complicated, a complicated mixture of all those things. And that's okay to acknowledge. But I want you to leave this conversation knowing that you are allowed to make different decisions about forgiveness, trust, and reconciliation. You can forgive and still need distance. You can forgive and still require accountability. You can forgive and still decide reconciliation isn't healthy. You can rebuild trust lonely. You can give somebody an opportunity to demonstrate change. And you can celebrate genuine growth. You can recognize when a pattern remains unchanged. And you can deal with that how you need to, because forgiveness isn't a permission slip for repeated harm. Trust isn't a reward somebody receives simply because they apologized. A reconciliation isn't an obligation that falls entirely on the person who was hurt. Remember those three doors. Forgiveness, trust, and In reconciliation. They don't all have to open at the same time. And sometimes one door remains closed. That doesn't automatically mean you've failed to heal. You can forgive without handing back the keys. So before I let you go, I want to leave you with something. Some of us have spent years trying to prove that we're good enough, that we're worthy. That we're good Christians, good wives, obedient, good husbands, good mothers, daughters, friends. And somewhere along the way, we started believing that being good meant always being available, always understanding, always forgiving, always giving another chance, even when we're hurting. But I want you to remember something. You can be a loving person and have boundaries. You can be a forgiving person and require accountability. You can be a Christian and recognize unhealthy relationship patterns. And you can have faith in somebody's ability to change without pretending they've already changed. You can pray for somebody and still need distance. And you can love somebody and still say this cannot continue. And you can forgive somebody without handing them the keys to the same door they repeatedly damaged. Because forgiveness doesn't automatically restore trust, and trust doesn't automatically guarantee reconciliation. Those are different decisions. And sometimes they require different answers. Maybe the greatest act of healing isn't proving you can keep loving somebody through anything. Maybe it's learning that you can love without abandoning yourself. Maybe it's learning that peace doesn't require pretending. Maybe it's learning that boundaries aren't the opposite of grace. And maybe it's finally understanding that your value was never determined by how much mistreatment you could tolerate. So the next time somebody says, I thought you forgave me, you can answer with, I'm working through forgiveness. But rebuilding trust is a separate conversation. And if they say, well, when are things going back to normal? You can ask, was normal actually healthy? Because sometimes we don't need to return to what was. Sometimes we need to build something different, something honest, something accountable, something safe, something rooted in respect. And sometimes where love doesn't require either person to disappear. Now you know I always want you to take something practical away from my back porch TED talk. So here's your challenge. Think about one relationship in your life. Ask yourself, have I forgiven? Have I rebuilt trust? Have we reconciled? And did I make those decisions intentionally? Or did I simply reopen the door because the silence was uncomfortable? There's no shame in this, no judgment, just reflection. Because awareness is where change begins. And remember what we've talked about in our faith conversations. The Jesus we talk about on Sunday should influence the way we live on Monday. That means showing grace, practicing honesty, taking responsibility, respecting people, seeking peace, and yes, honoring healthy boundaries. Because faith isn't just about what we say we believe. It's about how we choose to live. And sometimes living faithfully means learning to forgive. And sometimes it means having the courage to apologize. Sometimes it means rebuilding what was broken. And sometimes it means releasing what you cannot repair alone. So next time, give grace where grace belongs. Keep your boundaries where boundaries belong. Stop confusing access with forgiveness. Stop confusing apologies with change and stop confusing loneliness with love and stop confusing the return of somebody's presence with a restoration of your peace. Because honey, you can forgive somebody without handing them the keys again. Again, I'm Barbara McCormick, and this is Back Porch Confessions. If today's conversation spoke to you, please share it with somebody who needs encouragement. Not as an accusation, but as an invitation to reflect. Follow the podcast, leave a review, and tell me what part of today's discussion stayed with you. And if you're sitting there thinking, Lord, Barbara, you done got all up in my business today. Well, surprise, I do it all the time. That's what happens when you come sit on my back porch. We tell the truth. We laugh a little. We cry when we need to, and we grow. And we keep learning how to protect our peace without losing our hearts. I'll see you next time, guys. Make sure that you're listening to the podcast. Go to the TikTok lives. Leave me a comment. Send me an email, backportionfessions at gmail.com. I love y'all. Thank you. Till next time. Bye. Gravesb41: That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly. If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. 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