Latest / Loud & Lifted / Quick Lift: How to Handle Workplace Betrayal (When a Coworker Stabs You in the Back)

Transcript

Quick Lift: How to Handle Workplace Betrayal (When a Coworker Stabs You in the Back) · Loud & Lifted

• 0:00
  Welcome to Allowed and Lifted. I'm your host,
• 0:02
  Betsy Hamm. Have you ever been blindsided by
• 0:04
  someone you trusted at work, in a friendship,
• 0:07
  or just in a space where you thought somebody
• 0:09
  was supposed to have your back? I'm sure the
• 0:11
  answer is yes, because honestly, we all have.
• 0:14
  In this quick lift, we unpack the conversation
• 0:17
  with Kristin Pucci, where we talk about the gut
• 0:19
  punch of betrayal, why it happens, what it costs,
• 0:22
  and how to move through it by becoming the kind
• 0:25
  of person who doesn't do it to someone else.
• 0:35
  So first, let's define betrayal. It's a violation
• 0:39
  of trust. When someone you counted on acts against
• 0:42
  you, lets you down, or fails to protect your
• 0:45
  interest. In the context of women in the workplace,
• 0:49
  betrayal often stings deeper because it clashes
• 0:51
  with the expectation of solidarity. We expect
• 0:54
  friction from competitors or maybe even people
• 0:56
  we don't have a relationship with, but not from
• 0:59
  those who we consider friends or mentors or who
• 1:02
  we've established some kind of professional relationship
• 1:05
  with, other women who should have had our back.
• 1:08
  So let's dig into the key takeaways. First, why
• 1:11
  does it happen? Betrayal often happens because
• 1:14
  of someone's insecurity, the scarcity mindset,
• 1:17
  social conditioning telling women there's only
• 1:19
  room for one of us at the top, a lack of confidence.
• 1:23
  Often, it's not about you. It's about them and
• 1:26
  their insecurities or their issues. If you've
• 1:30
  been listening to other episodes, you realize
• 1:31
  how much we talk about confidence and because
• 1:33
  it's so important. And I find when someone doesn't
• 1:36
  have confidence is when these bad behaviors like
• 1:39
  betrayal occur. I can think of several instances
• 1:42
  through my career. Maybe there was somebody,
• 1:45
  there was two managers who were at the same level
• 1:47
  doing very different jobs and they got along
• 1:50
  until somebody started to get a little bit more
• 1:52
  of the spotlight and get a little bit more credit.
• 1:55
  And there became this jealousy against the other.
• 1:58
  woman who wasn't even in competition for anything.
• 2:02
  So it wasn't necessarily about the job. It was
• 2:04
  about the credit and the spotlight where I could
• 2:07
  see the bad behavior starting to come out due
• 2:09
  to the person's lack of confidence or their insecurity.
• 2:12
  I've even seen this happen at high levels of
• 2:14
  an organization where there was a group of women,
• 2:17
  a big group of women who were all directors and
• 2:20
  everything was fine and good until one person
• 2:23
  betrayed the other and it just created this domino
• 2:25
  effect. Everybody lost the confidence. and the
• 2:28
  trust within each other. And it was almost like
• 2:31
  it was contagious. It was terrible. And it just
• 2:33
  absolutely became this toxic, terrible culture
• 2:36
  and environment because people started to lose
• 2:39
  the trust due to the betrayal. Now, here's the
• 2:42
  thing, and takeaway number two, betrayal isn't
• 2:45
  always loud. We do think about that, right? We
• 2:47
  think about the sabotage. We think about the
• 2:49
  backstabbing. We think about the shit talking.
• 2:52
  But. Another form of betrayal is when it's silence.
• 2:55
  When you needed support, maybe you were left
• 2:58
  out of big decisions on purpose. It's realizing
• 3:00
  someone watched you fall and they did nothing.
• 3:04
  This happens a lot, and I think it's hard to
• 3:06
  identify because when someone is shit talking
• 3:08
  you, it's very clear, right? It tends to get
• 3:10
  back to you. You tend to find out about that
• 3:12
  betrayal. But that betrayal where you think you
• 3:15
  have this relationship with someone, they're
• 3:17
  very supportive to you in a personal setting,
• 3:20
  maybe through text. But then you find out that
• 3:22
  publicly they're not supportive. And I would
• 3:24
  say honestly, this has probably happened to me
• 3:26
  more this type of betrayal in my career than
• 3:29
  anything. And it definitely hurts the most because
• 3:31
  it does take you longer to you realize that the
• 3:34
  relationship you have isn't real. When that person
• 3:37
  does not have the ability to support you publicly,
• 3:40
  or even let's say on LinkedIn or social media,
• 3:43
  you realize that they aren't there to be your
• 3:46
  fan, that they're secretly hiding in the background.
• 3:49
  And that's just, that just stings. That definitely
• 3:51
  is something that's harder to define, but when
• 3:54
  it does happen and you finally realize it hurts.
• 3:58
  And I've certainly had this happen just recently
• 3:59
  with the change in career. are your fans, and
• 4:04
  who are your cheerleaders, and you're supportive,
• 4:05
  and they're still being very nice and supportive
• 4:08
  to your face. But when it comes to those public
• 4:10
  opportunities for them to have your back or stick
• 4:12
  up for you, silence. Fun. So we'll move on. Takeaway
• 4:18
  number three, you can heal. The fallout is real,
• 4:21
  as you can see. That was a little frustrating
• 4:23
  for me to think about. But betrayal can leave
• 4:25
  you questioning your worth, your instincts, and
• 4:28
  even your leadership. It isolates you. It demoralizes
• 4:31
  you. And worse, it makes you want to shrink.
• 4:34
  Or it makes you want to have revenge. So what
• 4:38
  do you do when this happens to you? Let's just
• 4:39
  say I do not suggest the revenge piece. But there's
• 4:42
  a couple different ways to approach this. First
• 4:44
  of all, you have to start naming what happened.
• 4:47
  And you have to set boundaries to protect your
• 4:49
  piece. And most importantly, you can't carry
• 4:52
  that forward. You can't carry it with you and
• 4:55
  you can't just do it to somebody else. You don't
• 4:57
  want to become that woman who hurts others and
• 4:59
  you don't want to go back for the revenge. So
• 5:02
  a couple ways to address this. My personal way
• 5:04
  that I handle this, and I know it's not comfortable
• 5:06
  for everyone, is to have a conversation. Now,
• 5:08
  Kristen talked about this in the podcast where
• 5:10
  she said, how are you? What's going on? Trying
• 5:13
  to seek to understand if that person is in a
• 5:16
  bad spot, in a negative spot. Because as we mentioned,
• 5:19
  this is often not about you. It's about them
• 5:21
  and their insecurities. To be honest, depending
• 5:24
  on the situation, I would address it. And you
• 5:27
  don't have to be aggressive. You don't have to
• 5:28
  be an asshole about it. open and honest conversation
• 5:32
  you have a relationship with this person right
• 5:34
  there's there's some kind of connection you had
• 5:36
  this ability to have a relationship and now they've
• 5:39
  broken that trust with you so having the conversation
• 5:42
  of just saying hey I heard I saw I'm feeling
• 5:45
  whatever it is if you can make it about you and
• 5:48
  your feelings I think that makes people less
• 5:49
  defensive but just addressing it because I think
• 5:52
  the reality is if you don't address those bad
• 5:54
  behaviors then they continue the person will
• 5:57
  just continue down that path of the negative
• 6:00
  So I know that you can't always address it. And
• 6:03
  that's where I think maybe Mel Robbins advice
• 6:05
  of let them comes into it. Sometimes you are
• 6:08
  just going to have to let it happen. Let them
• 6:11
  talk about it. Let them not be positive to you.
• 6:14
  And I know that's very difficult. And again,
• 6:16
  it depends on the situation. But there is a time
• 6:18
  for the let them. And then there is that time
• 6:20
  for let me talk to you about this. And especially
• 6:24
  if you're in a situation where maybe it's somebody
• 6:27
  who is a higher level than you, maybe it's even
• 6:29
  your own boss, which is really hard to deal with.
• 6:32
  That's a challenge. Maybe you can address the
• 6:35
  conversation with them, but a lot of times you
• 6:36
  probably aren't going to be able to. And if you're
• 6:40
  in an environment where that kind of behavior
• 6:42
  is just tolerated and as part of the culture,
• 6:45
  that's, I think, a very important time to take
• 6:47
  a step back and realize, is this the best environment
• 6:49
  for you? Is this where you should be? Because
• 6:51
  if the bad behavior and the betrayal and the
• 6:54
  negativity is allowed, it creates a toxic culture
• 6:57
  and at some point you really are going to have
• 6:59
  to have that honest conversation with you if
• 7:01
  that's the best place for you to continue to
• 7:03
  be. So don't be her. Don't try to get revenge,
• 7:07
  but also figure out how you can stop and not
• 7:10
  carry that forward with you and certainly make
• 7:13
  sure that you're not doing it to someone else.
• 7:15
  So that's takeaway number four. Don't be her.
• 7:18
  Don't be that woman doing that. Gossiping, gatekeeping,
• 7:22
  withholding information, undermining, those are
• 7:25
  all betrayal behaviors. Be aware when they creep
• 7:28
  up. Let's be honest, no one's perfect. I am certainly
• 7:31
  not going to sit here and claim that I've never
• 7:33
  had some of these bad behaviors. And I think
• 7:35
  it's very easy to get sucked in, especially gossiping.
• 7:38
  I think that's one I know I have been guilty
• 7:42
  of that in the past. And maybe I instigated the
• 7:44
  conversation and maybe I was with somebody who
• 7:47
  did and I participated. And being a participant
• 7:50
  in those types of situations and those conversations
• 7:52
  is bad. And it's very easy to get sucked in,
• 7:55
  especially if you're agreeing with what that
• 7:57
  person says. But you have to stop. You have to
• 8:00
  stop yourself and say, wait, I'm not participating
• 8:03
  in this. And you have to call out other people.
• 8:06
  Maybe you're not comfortable calling somebody
• 8:08
  out who has bad behavior against you. But I bet
• 8:11
  you're more comfortable of calling somebody out
• 8:13
  when they're doing it to one of your friends
• 8:15
  or to your coworkers. So take that opportunity
• 8:17
  when you start to see somebody else do that,
• 8:19
  whether it's the gossiping or the undermining,
• 8:21
  or you know someone's withholding information,
• 8:24
  and call the person out. And again, you can do
• 8:27
  this in a way that's productive. It doesn't have
• 8:29
  to be aggressive. Maybe sometimes it needs to
• 8:31
  be aggressive. But have that conversation, make
• 8:34
  the person aware that it's happening, and then
• 8:36
  see if you can move forward. We have to talk
• 8:38
  about bringing seats to the table and including
• 8:41
  everyone. But the reality is a lot of times we're
• 8:44
  pulling chairs out from each other and that's
• 8:45
  the kind of behavior that has to stop. And this
• 8:48
  goes back to the whole fact of how women do not
• 8:50
  support each other as well as we could. So don't
• 8:53
  be her. Take a step back. Look at your own behaviors.
• 8:57
  And when you find yourself starting to do it,
• 8:59
  call yourself out and stop and also hold people
• 9:02
  around you accountable for that same level of
• 9:05
  support and taking care of each other. This episode
• 9:08
  hit a nerve for a reason. Betrayal isn't rare,
• 9:11
  and talking about it doesn't make us dramatic.
• 9:14
  It makes us prepared. Betrayal leaves bruises
• 9:16
  you can't always see, but they shape how we lead,
• 9:20
  who we trust, and how we speak up again. You're
• 9:23
  not too sensitive, and you sure as hell didn't
• 9:25
  deserve it. So pick your head up, protect your
• 9:28
  peace, and don't let their brokenness break you.
• 9:31
  Heal loud and lead louder. And remember, we rise
• 9:35
  higher when we rise together. If you haven't
• 9:38
  listened to Kristen's episode, I strongly encourage
• 9:40
  you to do so. As always, if this episode resonated
• 9:43
  with you, please share it with someone you know
• 9:46
  who could also appreciate it and continue to
• 9:48
  subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts and
• 9:50
  follow us on Instagram. Until next time, stay
• 9:53
  loud and stay lifted.