Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Stop Trying to Create the Perfect Family

Transcript

Stop Trying to Create the Perfect Family · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, it's the Happy Families Podcast, Friday edition, which means
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: the weekend's around the corner. And today we talk about
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: all the stuff that worked well for us this week,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: the stuff that didn't work so well, and how you
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: can make your family happier. It's called I'll Do Better Tomorrow,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: and it's right after this. G'day, this is the Happy
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Families Podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We're Justin and Kylie Coulson.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: We are the parents of Six daughters, grandparents of one grandbaby.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: And Kylie today is kicking us off with, you're looking tired,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: jet lagged, not feeling fantastic about life.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Well, I was actually just thinking, she's not a baby anymore.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: No, no, no. She's about to turn three. A couple
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: of weeks to go and now granddaughter is three.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: And she's got the personality and drive of.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe a 10 or 12 year old. While you're thinking
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: about how old she acts like she is, Worth highlighting,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: both Jared and Chanel, our daughter and son-in-law, have talked
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: about how she's the perfect baby, the easiest baby, the
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: best baby, all that sort of stuff. And I haven't
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: want to burst their bubble, but I kind of, they're like,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: the terrible twos haven't been terrible, it's been fine. And
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I don't want to tell them that three is awful. But, well, sorry,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: three is much harder than two is probably a better
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: way to say it. I'm making it sound really bad.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: But the other day, Chanel said to me, really finding
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: indie challenging lately. There's It's like she's become a different person.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: And I looked at her and I said, kiddo, you
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: know all those parenting books that I've written? It's time
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: for the first one. It's actually happening because three is
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: way harder than anything you've experienced. And every time I
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: talk to her now, she just, she rolls her eyes
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: and she's like, oh. Do you want a toddler?
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: She says to me every time.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Three. Three is hard. I'm like, yeah, welcome to it. So,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: My little book, What Your Child Needs From You, which
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: she's been gleefully handing out to all of her friends
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: who are saying they're having a hard time with their kids.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: She's suddenly gone, I think I need that book. Anyway,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: I flagged before, you're feeling a bit jet lagged. So
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: what's your I'll do better tomorrow and how does it
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: tie in with why you're so weary and waiting for
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: the weekend?
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Well, I actually had a really wonderful opportunity to take
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: three of our children away for just over a week
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: and spend some time learning together. We attended a conference
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: and we have classes from like 8.30 in the morning
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: till 9.30 at night. It's a big day.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: And everyone's listening going, and you called that a holiday, right?
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: But yes. There's so many different choices to make. So
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: it meant that for most of the day, we were
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: all going in different directions as we were kind of,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I guess, inspired and directed to learn new things.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Which is so funny because when you talked about how
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: you wanted to go and take the kids to this
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: education conference for a week. You had this vision that
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: the four of you would traipse around this university campus
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: and sit in classes together and compare notes. And it
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: didn't happen.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: It didn't happen that way. And one of the classes
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: I actually attended kind of talked about that concept. He
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: suggested that sometimes as parents, and I would say in
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: every facet of our lives, we create these recipes of
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: what we think is going to make the perfect moment
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: or the happy family or whatever. You know, kind of
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: the perfect retirement, whatever it is. We've got this idea
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: and we kind of create these sums. If I do X, Y,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: and Z, it's going to equal the happy life. If I,
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: you know, spend time with my children and we do
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: lots of things together and I tuck them into bed
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: each night and read them stories and kiss them on
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: the head before they go out the door.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Then they're going to love me and they're going to
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: come to me every time they need something.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I'm listening to what you're saying and I'm really resonating
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: with it from the point of view that when I
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: do my resilience talk, everyone thinks that if they do X, Y,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: and Z, the kid's going to be resilient. There's no guarantees.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: If I do X, Y, and Z, the kid's going
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: to do well at school. If I do X, Y,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: and Z, they're going to have a successful life. It
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: takes away.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: Other people's capacity to make choice, right? If we create
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: these recipes and we expect that it's all dependent on
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: what we do, then we're not actually allowing our children
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: the capacity to make their own choices.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Well, not just that, but if things don't work out
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: the way that they're supposed to, we feel like we
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: got the recipe wrong.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: We've done something wrong.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I must have been a bad parent.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: Do we miss the secret ingredient that's going to make
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: it all better?
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love this idea.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So as we went through the week, I,
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: without knowing it, kind of had created this idea of
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: what was going to make the perfect week for us.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: And it didn't happen that way. Right. There were plenty
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: of nights where I was actually in the dorm room
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: all by myself. I had three empty beds. And it
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: would be really easy to kind of get upset about
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: it and to think, I've spent all of this money
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: to bring them here so that we can have this experience.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: And I don't think they're being really grateful. But as
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: we went through the week, each of them sought me
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: out at different times and was sharing the most beautiful
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: experiences that they were having as they were meeting new
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: people and spending time getting to know others and attending
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: classes that were lighting them up. And I was seeing
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: a change in them, like literally before my eyes, as
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: they were kind of just relishing in these new relationships
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: that were developing and just joy in learning things that
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: resonated deeply with them. And I kind of realized that
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: I think as parents, sometimes we just try to control
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: every moment because we think we've got it all worked out.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Because we want to get the recipe just right.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And yet the week we had was beautiful. It
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: was just different to what I expected. And I'm so
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: grateful that I was able to just let go of
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: my own recipe, my own desires to kind of be
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: in their space 24-7 and give them the space to
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: have those individual experiences because they've come home different. And
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I'm really grateful for that.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Well, I missed you, but hearing the conversations that you had,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: as you're saying that, these conversations, the thing that parenting
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: research shows matters the most for how kids show up
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: and do in their lives and avoiding doing dangerous and
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: harmful things, having a good connection with their parents. One
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: of the most powerful predictors of positive outcomes, and I
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: know I'm sounding a bit recipe-ish here, but it's It's
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: not how much we as parents are able to monitor
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: and surveil what's going on in their lives. It's how
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: much they disclose. And it sounds like by you letting
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: go a little bit, the kids have felt free to
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: come to you and talk to you a lot. There's
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: been huge levels of disclosure, which means that you get
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: to have this really strong connection and relationship-building experience. Let's
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: take a message.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: Let go of the recipes. Let go of the need
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: to kind of– I'm going to use the word manipulate.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: I don't mean it in a bad way, but just
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: let go of the need to manipulate and massage every
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: moment and give it the breathing space that it deserves
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: to allow our children to have the experiences that are
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: needed for them in the moment.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I still think that there's a value in having a
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: recipe now and then. Like dinner tastes good when you've
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: got a recipe. And we've seen what happens with our
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: kids when they cook without a recipe. Like Still worth
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: having the right ingredients in the right proportions.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: I agree.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: But it sounds almost like there's a recipe for the
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: no recipe recipe. That makes sense.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Hey, after the break- We're supposed to be uncomplicating things here.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I know. I'm sorry.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: After the break, what the parenting expert does when his
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: wife goes away and leaves him with one of the
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: kids who couldn't go to the education conference for the week,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: how I survived that amidst travel and conferences and what
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: we can learn about keeping our family on track when
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: things feel like there's too much to do. Stay with us. Okay,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow. It's my turn. Kylie, how do
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: you think our daughter found the time that you were away?
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Have you had any conversations with her? Did you say,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: how did dad go? Has there been any rating or
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: report card on my parenting performance?
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: There hasn't. She gave me a really big hug when
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I got home. But generally speaking, when I have gone
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: away in the past, she kind of doesn't want to
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: let me out of her sight when I come home.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: It's like, you're here and I don't want you going anywhere.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: But she's been really content. I actually think you've done
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: a great job.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: So I kind of forgot to put it into my
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: diary that I wasn't going to be available to work
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: because I was going to be looking after Emily, which
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: meant that you left and I still had a full
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: calendar of work and it was so hard to juggle it.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I may have forgotten to take her to a birthday party.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: You might have. I came home and the present was
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: still sitting on the bench.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: I totally forgot. I remember looking at the present going,
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: what's that doing on the bench? I had no idea.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I completely forgot.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Well, I did write an itinerary.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I forgot to look at the itinerary until day five.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Day four or day five, I was like, oh, Kylie
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: wrote out what was supposed to be happening. And that's
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: when I realized that I'd missed the birthday on the Saturday.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I feel so bad. Sorry, Martine. But But I just
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: really enjoyed when I wasn't working. I really enjoyed spending time.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: And my first book, I'm not trying to flog a
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: book here. I'm bringing it up because people always look
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: at that first book, What Your Child Needs From You.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: It's like 70 or 80 pages. It's really small, really simple,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: just a couple of foundational principles for getting your family
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: on track. And often parents will come to me and say,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: what's the right book for me to buy for my family?
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: And I'll say, I think based on what you've described,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: this is the one. And a lot of people will
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: turn their nose up at it. They'll be like, but
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: what about the big thick ones? Like instead of 70 pages,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: what about 280 pages? That kind of thing. And yet
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: it's the simple stuff that makes our families work the best.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: It's T-I-M-E. It's patience. It's understanding. It's reading a story,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: going for a walk, spending a couple of bucks on
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: a smoothie or a breakfast or going into a rock climb.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: or tampon bowling or whatever it is, doing some kind
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: of activity. And they don't even have to be costly.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: It could be going for a bike ride or walking
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: your child down to the park and pushing them on
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: a swing for half an hour longer than you think
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: is reasonable because they never want to get off the
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: swing once they're on it. And that's kind of how
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: it was with Emily. It was just really low key,
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: no pressure, time together. And it was delightful. Whether we
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: were doing handstands and cartwheels or whether we went and
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: did some indoor rock climbing, nearly died when I had
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: to pay the bill for that. But it was that
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: kind of thing. And I just loved it. Hey, while
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: we're at it as well, I wanted to mention, got
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: some pretty amazing feedback, which I just, I want to
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: share because I'm pretty excited about it. So I was
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: in Dubbo earlier this week and gave some parenting presentations
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: to students in grade 9 and 10 at Dubbo College
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: on respectful relationships, which is a really hot button topic because, well,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: you know why it's so challenging, especially for kids around 14,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: 15 years of age. I got some feedback from a
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: parent who said the following. My daughter said, quote, that
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: was the best hour of my life, close quote. She
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: said that she thought this is just going to be
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: another one of those presentations, but Justin's presentation style and
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: the way he covered topics made it a very engaging presentation.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: It's pretty thankless talking to students sometimes, like students just
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: sit there and they're like, oh, do we have to
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: be here? But these students at Dubbo College were outstanding.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: They sat there, they engaged, they had great conversations, they
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: shared insightful feedback. And they were really interested in how
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: they could make their school community feel more respectful. And
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: to get that kind of feedback, it's just a really
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: nice way to top off what can sometimes be a
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: tricky part of my job, which is talking to students
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: who did not ask to sit in the hall and
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: listen to some guy up the front talk about respectful relationships. So, yeah,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: just thought I'd share that as well.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: It'd be interesting to talk to them about the recipe
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: that they've created, helping those students be so engaged. There's
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: a culture, right? You go into some schools and you
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: can feel a different energy as kids come together and
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: they want to engage, they want to learn, they want
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: to create a community. And then you go into other
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: places and you just experience this disconnect.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Kids don't want to be there. I probably shouldn't say this,
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: but the staff were actually a little nervous that it
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: wasn't going to go well at all. From a cultural
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: point of view, they thought, oh, this is going to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: be pretty tough. We were stoked. They were just such
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: a great group. They absolutely shone. Also, a quick shout
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: out to Cherie, who came up to me at the
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: parent night at Dubbo College, who listens to the podcast
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: every single morning. She gave me a great big hug,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: said every morning at six o'clock, I put my headphones on,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: I listen to you guys. And I just love listening
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: to the pod. So everywhere I go, I get wonderful
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: comments like that. But Cherie was beautiful. She actually almost
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: started crying. She was just, it was such a great experience.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: So Cherie and everyone who listens to the pod, we
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: appreciate you and thank you. And we really are so
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: grateful that you find this a helpful way to keep
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: your family on track and keep your family strong. Hey,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: that's it for us for today. Thank you so much
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: for joining us. The Happy Families podcast will be back
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: on Monday, so we'll talk to you then. All thanks
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: to Justin Rulon from Bridge Media who looks after sound
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: and audio engineering and Mim Hammond who takes care of
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: our admin and other support. If you want more info
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: to make your family happier, visit happyfamilies.com.au and have a
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: great weekend.