Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 50, Season 1: Healing from the Emotionally Immature Parent

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Episode 50, Season 1: Healing from the Emotionally Immature Parent · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: host Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: What's up?
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: What's up? Long time?
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: No? I know, so you never get to see each other.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: It's crazy. You live five minutes from me, I know,
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: and we work together and.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We never really get to hang out anymore, especially like
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: one on one.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah. No, we never get one on one time.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: We never get call any time.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: I know.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: It's sad.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: It is sad.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I blame you.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: I know it is my fault. It is one hundred
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: percent my fault because we have four kids in four
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: different schools, in six different sports. I could not imagine
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: it again. Four kids, four different schools, six different.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Sports, in all different ages, all.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Different ages, exhausted with just you talking about it. Yes,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: it is. I mean just to take a trip is
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: a big today, a big to do. I mean, we
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: have my mom on board, We have our amazing Hannah.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Shout out to Hannah, who is our We love you, Hannah.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: She is our family helper. It takes both my husband
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: and I, my mother sometimes his mother and her family
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: helper to make it all happen.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I believe it, so I believe it.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: I always say I never have a moment of alone time,
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: like never, Like driving in my car is literally the
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: only aloneeness I get. Not that I don't love being
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: around my husband. I do. Sure, he's my bestie. But
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: sometimes I just want to listen to a little rap music,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: you know press. Yeah, And I can't do that in
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: front of anybody else. Yeah, they don't like it. Parenting
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: is tough, par we know, we know. Parenting is hard,
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: rains girting your teeth right now, you guys don't even
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: know what she's going through.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: It's really hard, and you know, I mean, it just
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: goes to show that your children will at some point
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: challenge you in some.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: Way, right, Which is kind of a little bit on
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: the lines of the topic of today's podcast, yep.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: SO episode fifty, which is healing from the parent who
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: never grew up. And we both can relate to this,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: I feel like, yes we can. And before before we
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: get into the topic, another thing we can talk about
• 2:15
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• 2:17
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• 2:20
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• 2:25
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• 2:27
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• 2:30
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• 3:00
  Speaker 1: mom unfortunately passed away seven years ago, but I sent
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• 3:12
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• 3:16
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• 3:20
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• 3:23
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• 3:24
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• 3:48
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• 3:50
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• 3:53
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• 3:55
  Speaker 1: Yes, she birthed you, she gave you life. Yeah, she
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: deserves a pair of very nice peja.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Right, even if she was very emotionally immature as you
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: grew up, which is the topic of today's podcast. Growing
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: up with an emotionally immature parent is something that a
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: lot of us know something about, So I get I
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: get questions a lot in my practice. How do I
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: set a boundary with my parent or with my in laws?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: And that is a harder situation to navigate sometimes than
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: with your romantic partner. I mean, your family of origin
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: when you are married, is the unit you are supposed
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: to separate yourself from, right in terms of major obligation
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: or having to do what they tell you to do.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: You're your own independent adult and your parents shouldn't be
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: meddling inside of your relationship, and so I think it's
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: important for people to who have come to the realization
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: that they are more emotionally mature than their parent to
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: use that emotional maturity that you have to simply set
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: boundaries and stop trying to get them to understand your position.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Emotionally immature people are not in a place where they
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: have the capacity to understand your position and to empathize
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: with you.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: And sometimes instead of arguing with the parent, because I
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: think I made that mistake with my mother, like I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: wanted her to see so badly like her power, right,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: how much power she has, and she couldn't get unstuck,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: so she could not grow up from really I mean,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: the biggest wound that happened to her as a child.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, she was sexually molested at
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: ten and of course heartbreaking. Yeah, and of course you know,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I feel like I can openly talk about this because
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: you know, she's gone, she's in glory, she doesn't she
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: doesn't care, and if anything, it can be healing for
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: me because when I learned about that information, it was
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: really traumatic, of course, but you know, she stayed stuck
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: and just well victimhood, which we've talked about another podcast.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: But as I got older and I started to have
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: my own life, I definitely didn't do everything right. And
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: I can look back on some things now and understand
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: why she was doing what she was doing, or trying
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: to get me to see something that I maybe couldn't
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: see at the time. But she her emotional maturity just
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: wasn't what it needed to be. She would get angry
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: over things that didn't make sense. You could not never
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: tell her if you felt like maybe what she was
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: doing was wrong, even in a constructive way.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, that is really the hallmark of emotional immaturity,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: is not being able to take a criticism, And a
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: lot of people are going to go, well, that's also
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: my partner too. Right, I'm dealing with an emotional What
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: we're talking about today, right, We're not talking about that today.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: We are talking about our parents, which, of course, our
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: parents are who give us our attachment style. So our
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: parents construct our blueprint for intimacy. The first intimate relationship
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: we have is with our caregivers, and they form this
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: powerful blueprint in our subconscious that then goes on to
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: predict how we will behave in intimate relationships for the
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: rest of our lives. And I think if we knew
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: as parents how profound our influence really is, we would
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: all go to therapy before.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: We just didn't have any because I know that's not
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: the answer, that's not the answer, but what.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: We perpetuate in our societies. Oh, kids are resilient. Oh
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: you just have to be good enough. Yeah, good eni,
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: It really does. No, we need to be the best
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: we can be. That should be every parent's motivation to
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: be the best that they can be.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: You do entirely. That's not possible.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, but you have to get because what
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: ends up happening for these emotionally immature parents is that
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: their nervous systems get stuck in that childlike state, and
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: that those childlike defenses, they're not able to move through
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: developmental phases in their childhood appropriately that would develop their
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: nervous system and wire their nervous system towards a certain
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: level of maturity and regulation. They get very, very stuck.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: I can remember. And this is a very very vulnerable
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: thing for me to share. And again, my father has
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: passed away, and so I would like to believe that
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: he will be okay with me sharing this, But I
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: have seen my father in my life throw a full
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: on childlike temper tamptrum, like full on childlike temper tantrum.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: One in particular that I can think of that was
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: really really bad, one that put my mom into like
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: a state of freeze, and I actually ended up having
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: to intervene and trying to calm him down. Oh graduated
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: from college probably late twenties, early thirties, something like that.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: And my dad was just somebody that could never ever
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: ever take an ounce of criticism. Everything that was wrong
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: in his life, he pointed the finger at someone else.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: I do think he suffered from some covert narcissism. He
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: was raised by two narcissists. He had a tough childhood.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: He was physically abused, emotionally abused as a child, and
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: so I definitely take that into consideration looking back on everything.
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  Speaker 2: But the hardest thing to do was to tell my dad, hey,
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: you're hurting me. Hey, this doesn't feel good to me.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: I don't like when you come at me like that,
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: or what you did embarrassed me in front of people,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: or what you did made me feel small. Could he
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: ever say, hey, I'm sorry, or you know what, I
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: was out of line? Never don't.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I don't. And again, we are talking in a loving
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: way towards our both of our parents who have passed.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: It just so happened that both of the parents that
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: we specifically dealt with that weren't emotionally mature I think
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: are now passed. Yes, And so we graciously tiptoe around
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: this subject because again, they don't care.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, they don't care. They're in heaven, they're walking.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: With Jesus and they don't care. But you know, and
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: our goal.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: Is to help people navigate this for themselves, right. And
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: so one of the things that I had to do,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: especially in the last few years before my dad passed,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: was have some really strong boundaries with my dad. There
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: are a number of times where I had to look
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: at my dad and say, I won't participate in this.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: This is not healthy. I am not going to be
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: on the other end of this right now. I'm going
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: to leave or you know, Dad, I'm not going to
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: be around you if you do x y Z thing, right,
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: if you do x y Z thing. And I had
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: to set boundaries. Unfortunately for my mom, My Mom, I
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: love her, I love you, Mom, and I know you're
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: going to listen to this might catch some flight for it.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: But my mom tends to very much be a people pleaser,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: and that's what's ingrained into her nervous system, is to
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: be a people pleaser. I think that's because she was
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: the oldest of five kids, and her own mother struggled
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: with depression and some other things, and they didn't have
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: a lot of money, and so I'm sure she's she's
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: been taking care of people her whole life. That is
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: what my mom knows how to do better than anything,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: is to take care of people and nurture people. And
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: so she very much became the caretaker for my dad,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: not only physically, but she really carried the load emotionally
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: in our household as much as she could, which was
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: a really tough load to bear. I could not have
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: done it, to be honest with you. I could not
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: have gone through what my mom went through. And I
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: even saying that having revealed the atrocities of my own marriage.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: But one of the things that you have to be
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: able to do with an emotionally immature parent is to
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: set really hard boundaries. But you can set these hard
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: boundaries lovingly. You don't have to get upset. You can
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: just simply say, hey, I can't participate with this for
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: X y Z reason. If you're ready to talk to
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: me respectfully, you know, accept my decision that I've made
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: because I'm an adult. Whatever it is, that is the
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: rule of re engagement. They have to meet that rule
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: of re engagement and then you can come back into participation.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: Apply right, same rules apply as in a relationship, same
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: rules apply. Boundaries are not meant to punish, They're not
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: meant to be ultimatums. They are meant to keep you safe.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: And you have to safeguard your family and your relationship
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: from any toxicity of your family of origin. And I
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: specifically see this really really being a problem for dismissive avoidance.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: I do not know how many couples I have seen.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I would think it would be the FA.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: No, it's the DA. It's the DA people pleaser who
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: literally pleases everybody else around them except their romantic partner.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: So they fight for everybody else's approval except their romantic
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: partner because the high stakes romantic partners who triggers them
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: to withdraw from intimacy. And so they're almost enmeshed in
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: this weird way with their family of origin. And what
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: I have seen is that they just don't want conflict
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: so badly that they will still allow that parental relationship
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: to dominate even in their romantic relationship. And it tends
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: to be the da mails that have trouble with this
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: and their mothers I could see. Right, So it's like
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: a mother in law situation with the daughter who feels
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: very disrespected or feels like mom is trying to meddle
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: in their relationship or make important decisions for their family,
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: or criticize their parenting or things like this. And what
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: I tell my das is your spouse is number one,
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: one hundred percent of the time. Your spouse is number one.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: There's no one else. There's no living being on this
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: earth that comes before your spouse, not even your children,
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: not even your children. And a lot of people take
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: a problem with that and take up issue with that.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: And what I have to say is, well, if you
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: don't put your relationship first, you are not modeling healthy
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: attachment to your children. Your children won't develop securely attached
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: if you are not showing the proper order in terms
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: of family dynamic. Right like God spouse kids, because God
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: covers the marriage, and the marriage covers the children. Right,
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: And the marriage and a healthy marriage is what helps
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: healthy children grow and mature, right and protects them against
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: the world, and the world is tough, very right, and
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: there is no better protection than two healthy parents in
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: a nuclear relationship. In fact, we know too healthy parents
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: in a nuclear family. And I really emphasize the word
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: healthy is what predicts secure attachment. Two very unhealthy parents
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: in an unhealthy relationship does more harm than to divorced
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: co parents who can be healthy co parents to their kids.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: So there's the nuance there, right. Yes, divorce predicts some
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: bad things in kids, and it does predict insecure attachment.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: But there's this moderating effect we call it in statistics,
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: we call it a moderator, which is something that either
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: increases or decreases the strength of a relationship. Right, So
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: the moderating factor is how did the divorce go and
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: how good of a co parent are you, which really
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: predicts whether the kids will be secure?
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: Right, And it makes sense, it makes complete sense. And
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: I would give anything if if my mother was still alive,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: knowing what I know now and what I've learned from
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: you and learned from you, know, our friendship, to be
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: able to know how to set boundaries in a healthy
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: way because I never knew how to. It was never
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: modeled to me to know how to do that. And
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: so when she would become reactive over certain things or
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: certain choices that I was making in my life, or
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: just simply I mean the perfect example is, you know,
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: six days before she died, she was visiting and we
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: got in an argument because seventeen years after my parents divorced,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: she still wanted to bash my father to me, and
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to hear it anymore. It'd been going
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: on for seventeen years and I just couldn't take it anymore.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: And so when and I'll fully fall on the sword
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: here that I absolutely did not handle it correctly, because
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: obviously the correct way would have been how you just
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: described it, and how the boundaries that you had to
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: set with your father and say this doesn't feel good
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: to me, I'm not going to participate, when I probably
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: was more like, are you ever going to get over this?
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: You know, I guarantee that was my reaction. So of
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: course she became defensive. It calls to fight, and that
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: was the last conversation I ever had with my mom.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: I know that breaks your heart, so much it does.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I've had.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I've had to do a lot of acceptance. I think
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: because grief. I accepted a long time ago that gil
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: is just part of grief. It is, and no, even
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: if you do everything right.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: I had a terrible relationship with my dad.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, terrible.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I hate to say it. I'm ashamed to say this,
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: and I try not to participate with shame. But I
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: was very, very angry at my dad my whole life
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: because I saw how so much the stress that he
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: put on our family, and I resented him for it.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: I resented him that he could not keep a job.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: I resented him that he was lazy. I resented him
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: that he could not pay the bills on time, and
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: I would see the stress that he would cause my mother.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: And I was very connected to my mom. I mean
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: I was very much to mommy's girl. I was never
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: a daddy's girl, and that's another thing that I resented.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: Like every female, and so for our male listeners out
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: here that have daughters, please procures up. Every little girl
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: wants to be daddy's little girl and wants a dad
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: that thinks that she is the most special thing on
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: earth and gives her so much attention and loves on
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: her and dotes on her and adores her. And doctor
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: Phil got it right when he said that, you know
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: why teenage girls become promiscuous is because they didn't have
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: a dad there telling them that they were the greatest
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: thing on earth. And so the first guy that comes
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: up and whispers in her hair that she's beautiful, she's
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: gonna melt like a puddle. Yep, right, because she's not
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: had it. And they crave, and we crave that. We
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: crave feeling secure in the father daughter to relationship. And
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: that is where my chaotic blueprint around intimacy, I think
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: was truly born, was seeing how chaotic my dad was
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: and how painful my dad was to the family. So
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: then my blueprint became, well, love is painful, love is chaos,
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: love is instability, love is not being reliable. And so
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: who did I pick? I picked another version of my dad,
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: just wrapped up in a different package. Whereas my dad
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: was more covertly narcissistic, my first husband was overtly narcissistic.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: It was still all about control and having the power.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: And although your parent might not be narcissistic, just more
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: emotionally immature, which really stems from insecure attachment. It doesn't
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: necessarily matter. You still have to protect yourself from someone
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: who desires to control you when you are an adult.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: And I'm not talking like an eighteen year old adult, right, Like,
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: please know, I'm not talking about like you're eighteen, you're
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: nineteen year old, that you're still ushering out into the world.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: I'm talking about if you have adult children and you're
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: listening to this podcast, your job is over. Oh that
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: you will always see them as your child. I know
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: that you will always want them to make good decisions,
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: but it's not your business anymore. Step back, know your role.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: Your role is to be a great grandparent if you
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: have grandkids, and to love on your grandchildren.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: It is not to try supportive if your child asked
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: for it.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, if your child asks for support, be supportive.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not saying if you see your adult
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: child like ruining their life, not to be like, hey,
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: I think you should make a better decision. But then
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: that's where it ends. Right, You're not going to actually
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: bombard your way into their life to force them to
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: make better decisions.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: I've seen couples who are dealing with in laws where
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: like the in laws still want to make decisions on
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: like who the babysitter is or what house they buy.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: Oh, you wouldn't believe what I hear. Ridiculous, you would
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: not believe. And that's why I'm doing this episode, because
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: you would not believe what I hear.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: I can only imagine. I know you hear a lot.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, and it has topped the charts lightly.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: And of course I'm not going to rea feel these things,
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: but I mean, I have clients who have parents that
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: way way overstep, like absolutely refuse to allow their grandkids
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: to be babysat by anyone else but them, and then
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: they completely disregard the parental rules when they're babysitting, completely
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: disregard And that's not cool. If you have adult children
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: and they're the parents of their children, you're the grandparent.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: You have to respect their parenting rules. They're parenting their
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: kids how they want to parent their kids, and you
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: can't come in there. And if they say, you know, no,
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: you can't give my kids candy, you can't give them
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: freaking candy, or no, my kids can't have this much
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: screen time. Don't let them have that much screen time.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: You have to.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: There should be a level of respect between parents and
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: children all throughout the parental child relationship. So I was
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: talking about this last week with someone that you have
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: to be able to respect your children because respect is
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: how they learn to respect other people. Being modeled respect
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: by you as their parent is how they will actually
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: respect you more.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: Right, we respect themselves and respect themselves.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: And we have this mentality when we're raising kids that
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: it's like, well, because I said so, and I don't
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: have to. I don't owe you anything. I owe you
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: an explanation, I don't owe you nothing, right, And it's like, well,
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: you always owe people honesty and respect, and that includes
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: your own children. And that really becomes important in the
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: relationship with your adult children. You have to start to
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: respect them a little bit as an equal once they
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: grow into an adult.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: I'm there, I'm living this correctly, yes, And I mean
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: we just had this conversation last night with JP. You know,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: this is never a dictatorship, buddy. This is open forum,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: open forum, respect us, we respect you, you trust us,
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: We trust you, yep. And it's reciprocal, just like with
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: any other type of relationship that you have. That's right,
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: and because and what. I hope that this gives him
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: and that he sees one. I hope it translates into
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: his romantic relationships and really even his career, his life,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: you know, relationships with anybody.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: That he has. Absolutely and so if you are dealing
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: with an emotionally immature parent, besides boundaries, you need to
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: model respect on your end. I know that you might
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: feel justified in your defenses because it has hurt you
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: for so long, but you're not because when you give
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: back what you're getting, you're just as fallible. Right.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: I just gave you an example. You don't do what
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: I didn't.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you need to lovingly but firmly keep the boundaries,
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: and that's all you can do. That's all you can do.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: And sometimes you have to cut off your parents, and
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: that is the hardest place to land. I follow a
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: couple bigger creators, and there's one in particular that I'm
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: thinking of who her whole account is about how she
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: had to cut off her narcissistic mother and how painful
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: it's been, and all the times that she tried to
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: reconcile and tried to bring her mom back into her life,
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: and every single time she did it, her mom just
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: ended up hurting her even worse than the last time.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: And you do not have to take devaluation from a parent.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: You do not have to take degradation from a parent.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: You do not have to take your parent's advice. Once
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: you are an adult, it's your world now.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: I do want to ask a question because specifically around
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: the topic like healing from the parent who never grew up.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: So you've given some examples on on what to do now,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: but healing from the trauma that the emotionally immature parent
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: can cause is a whole nother journey.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: It is another journey, and it's very tied to achieving
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: your attachment security. There's a lot of reparenting involved. I
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: reparented myself a lot, and that's not because I will
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: not put that on my mom. That has everything to
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: do with my dad and the reparenting of having a
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: victimized mentality, because that's something that my dad really ingrained
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: in me is you are a victim. I am a victim.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: You are not empowered, you are oppressed. Reparenting the way
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: that I spoke to myself when I made a mistake.
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: I think this was the thing that was the hardest
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: for me because one of the ways that I built
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: defenses against this relationship in my childhood was through perfectionism.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: If I could be perfect, then I wouldn't catch flack,
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: then I wouldn't be criticized, right, And I did that
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: in every other arena except the actual relationship with my dad.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I never tried to be perfect to please my dad.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: I tried to be perfect to please everyone else, and
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: then I was just angry at my dad. Right. But
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: reparenting the perfectionism out of me was a very difficult journey,
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: and I'm still learning, although I would say I'm one
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: hundred and fifty percent better than I ever have been.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: In terms of hey, I messed up like I'm not
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: gonna lie. I talked to some really important people. I
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: have some very important relationships from with some projects that
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: are coming out, and there's been a couple times I've
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: dropped the ball because I've just got my details mixed up.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: I'm super tight B and shaking head. She'd be yeah,
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: she'd be very type B, you know, like male piling up,
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: spilling coffee all over like he's a hot mess. Yes,
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: I am the hot mess. Express. In terms of organization,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I am very not organized.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: You have a lot of other gifts though I do.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: And so that's something again instead of having shame over that,
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: I'm accepting that that's part of my personality and it's
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: part of who I am, and I just strive to
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: do the best I can, and I try to get
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: people around me, like you, who are very Type A
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: to hold me up in those areas. And that's part
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: of what success does for you, is you learn that
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: I can't be perfect and succeed in every area. But
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: what I can do is I can bring people around
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: me that are better than me at the things that
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: I'm not good at. So instead of shaming myself for
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: being imperfect, I've had to reparent myself to not have
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: so much self shame and self criticism over imperfections or mistakes.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: And I see this in my youngest and it breaks
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: my heart. And I'm actively working as hard as I
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: can with her too, because she gets it kind of
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: from both sides. Her dad was very perfectionistic and extremely
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: hard on himself. I think there are traces of it,
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: you know, in people that she loves that she's around,
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: and so when she makes mistakes, she gets down on
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: herself and she kind of has like this shame response,
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: and so in my parenting journey with her, it's all
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: about baby, It's okay to make a mistake. People will
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: respect you so much more if you just say, hey,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm messed up, and I'm gonna work hard
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: to correct it, than trying to make excuses or like
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: and not take accountability, or to just even worse, lie
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: right because it wasn't me. I didn't spill that on
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: the carpet. We don't we really reinforce accountability in our
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: household because my own parent could never take accountability, and
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: so then I learned to never take accountability. I could
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: never take accountability, and I refuse to see I somehow
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: could never see it. I could not ever see it.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: And that's another thing I will give you. Know, my
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: late ex husband, there are probably times where it wasn't
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: all him, even though yes, he suffered from a degree
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: of narcissism and there was abuse and infidelity and none
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: of those things I'm excusing. But are there times where
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: I was probably kind of insufferable too, just because of
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: who I was?
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Yes, well on your own insecure attachment, yes, and not
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: being you know, as illed as you are now. No, and.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: The same sex relationship in a parental dynamic is very
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: much the most influential, but the opposite sex relationship has
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: its own influence, has its own unique influence right, and
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: its unique influences. We learned so much about what we
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: should put up with and what we shouldn't put up
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: with and from the opposite sex parents.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: Also think and this is just some that I thought about,
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: you know, when it's the opposite parent in that dynamic
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: and when there's lack there because I am a daddy's
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: girl and I have been a.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Whole lot, it's so beautiful to watch and I'm just like, oh,
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: I wish I would have had that.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: And I wonder like we you know, we talked a
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: little bit about reparenting, but you know, and healing from
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: this sort of thing. But like inner child work too,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I think is really important because I think what happens
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: when the father daughter or the mother's son dynamic is interrupted,
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: that it interrupts the child right and the playfulness and
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: the joy right because there's not that safety there to
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: be playful and joyful.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and and.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: So I think, you know, reparenting is a big part,
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: but I think like doing that deep inner child work
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: as well, and going back to that young girl that
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: you were right, you know, and being told things like
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: you're a beautiful princess and you can be whatever you
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: want and like those things that.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: You deserve to be loved, and so in what you
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: can't do to your kids is be like, oh, you
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: deserve to be loved, and then not love them properly, right,
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: and then treat them with disrespect or lose your temper
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: on them all the time, right, And we've all lost
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: our temper on our kids. I don't think there's a
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: single parent that hasn't raised their voice at one point
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: in their parenting journey, although I would say I can't
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: remember the last time I raised my voice, which was
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: which is a good thing, right, I don't really anymore,
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: but I can remember. That's all I remember from my child,
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: my mom. I remember for my dad, it's being yelled at, cussing,
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: and it used.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: To scare me, Like it scared me, and I'm trying
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: to like it's interesting.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: It's imprinted into your nervous systems.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: Interesting that we have this dynamic. We have so many similarities,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: so many differences, and I wonder, you know, I'm thinking
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: literally on the spot right now. I just wonder if
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: it's because our relationships with a parent were so similar.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: It just happened to be that mine was with my
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: mother and yours was with your father.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and my dad would do things like throw out
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: like a ridiculously harsh punishment, like you're grounded for two months,
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: right for something small, and then my mom would have
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: to intervene and be like, that's not reasonable.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Like.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: And one of the things that I think made me
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: close to my mom is that she was very, very
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: willing to intervene and try to protect me. But then
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: what did I learn from that? I learned that you're
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: the boss. The mom is the boss, right right, And
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: so I will fully admit I tried to be the
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: boss in my first marriage. I was like, Nope, it's
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: gonna be this way. Nope, it's gonna be that way.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: And I'm sure I made my first husband, as you know, again,
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: with all the problems he had, fel emasculated.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: And so.
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: I know we've kind of skewed off topic a little
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: bit because I really wanted to focus more on adult
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: children navigating their parental relationships, especially when it comes to
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: their own romantic relationships. But to answer your question, the
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: reparenting that you have to do, and how do you
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: do that? Well, shadow work is great for that shadow.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Work I assume it includes inner child work, Yeah.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: I mean yes, figuring out what needs did I not
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: have met as a child and then meeting those needs
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: for yourself. Now, like the needs that I did not
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: have met as a child, specifically from my father, were
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: being were having accountability modeled, right by not criticizing myself
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: harshly if there was a mistake, because I think when
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: he would come in with these really harsh punishments, then
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: as an adult, when I made a mistake to myself,
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: I would punish myself extremely harshly. Right, So like it's
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: not hard to see the correlation there, right, and so
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: reparenting the parts of yourself that were improperly parented as
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: a child, whether that be you know, your self esteem
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: in terms of your outward appearance. I have so many
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: people who are still to this day will say things
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: to me like, oh, my mom's going to be in town,
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: and the first thing she's going to say is like
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: she can tell I've gained ten pounds, Right, the first
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: thing she's going to tell me is a critical comment
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: about my love.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: A moment on the lips, the lifetime on the hips. Yeah,
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: my mom's favorite thing to say to me. And it's like,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: and it seemed innocent at the time, but is.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: It now now because it's stuck with me? Of course,
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: And I've heard about my weight my entire life, of course,
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: my entire life. And my dad very much objectified women.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: He was very much he objectified women, crass jokes, inappropriate jokes.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: I remember lots of embarrassing moments with my mom when
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: you said that I was like dinging, Like she would
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: just openly like scream at me in front of friend.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, me too. Dad would do it too,
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: And it was humiliating, very humiliating. And so that's another
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: thing again, having a big shame wound of you know,
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: I'm kind of ashamed of who I am, right, Because
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: when you're ashamed of your parental family unit as a child,
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: that is so tied up in your identity of who
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: you are. And so I didn't I think that contributed
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: to not really knowing who I was for a really
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: long time, Like who who am I? Because I will
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: be whatever you need me to be, so that I
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: am not humiliated or embarrassed. And one of the things
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: I'm so proud of my fourteen year old about. She
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: is so not a follower. She's like, she literally said
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: these words to me this morning. You know what, I'm
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: awesome and anyway that it doesn't like me isn't. And
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: I'm like, you know, because she she really is, like,
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna wear what I want. I'm gonna listen to
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: the music I.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: Want very observant to observant.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I'm gonna listen to music that I want
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: as long as it's not inappropriate, right, And I said,
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna interven as long as you're not inappropriate.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: You can be whoever you want to be. And you know,
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do my makeup how I want. I'm
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: gonna do my hair how I want. You don't see
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: my daughter following a ton of trends. If you here
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: and there that she likes. If she likes it, she'll
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: do it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. And she doesn't
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: worry about like are people gonna like me or not
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: like me?
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm so proud.
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: Of her for that.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: She is wise beyond her years.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: Gosh, so wise beyond her years.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: When we were over there a couple of weeks ago
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: and we were playing the board game Yeah, she looked
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: at me and she said how old are you? I
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: don't know if you heard her, huhuh. And I said,
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: how old do you think I am? And she said, well,
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: I know you're younger than mom. And she was like
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: like thirty four.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: I was like, yes, you're one year younger than I
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: was like two. I love.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: I just felt like she was observing me from this
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: point of like because I was kind of being silly
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: with Lexi, and I think she was just observing like
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: me being playful and like she was like how old
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: are you? Like that's I mean she I could just
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: tell that she was really being intuitive in the question
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: that she asked me, Like she's extremely observant, very.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: And just mature. And she actually just we just found out,
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: like right for this podcast, that she made the high
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: school cheerleading squad to GOGA. I'm so proud of her.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: She's worked so hard this year and she was transitioning
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: from being a basketball and softball player to wanting to
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: be a cheerleader. And she had a lot of ketchup
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: work last year to do and she We had a
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: wonderful young girl come in and work with her two
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: nights a week, and she busted her butt and she
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: just made a cheerleading squad. But that's beside the point.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: But what I will say is that your kids are
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: watching you and and you can be a model to
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: them of respect and security and calmness and openness, and
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: that will translate to a healthy parent child relationship when
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: they are adults as well. And you think, oh, when
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: they grow up, we'll just there'll be adults and they'll
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: get it right and then we'll have this great relationship.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: While I'm here to tell you, as an adult child
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: of an emotionally immature parent that has now passed on,
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: it doesn't work that way. Just because they grow up
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean they're going to love you and respect you
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: if you did not love them and respect them properly
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: when they are children.
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: That's right, and that's why boundaries are just so so important. Yeah,
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, I literally told JP on the way to
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: school this morning. When you set boundaries for someone, watch
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: how they act. Yeah, it will tell you who they are. Yes, Yes,
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: And I won't get into detail about what we're going through,
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: but it even applies to your parents.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: It even applies to your parents, and I want my
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: daughter to set boundaries with me as a kid. There
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: was the other day where I was lecturing a little
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: bit too much. You know, Gabbs has EIGHTYHD again and
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: she's raised by an EIGHTYHD type B mom. Okay, I
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: don't have it together, so I really shouldn't judge her
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: for not having it together. But there was she didn't
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: go through her cheer try out material like I think
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: she kind of just expected, like, well, I'm a skimmet.
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: I got the gist of it, and then there was
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: something that she didn't have, and it was like, I mean,
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: I rarely run into save the day. Most of the time.
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: I would just let to sink the ship sink because
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: that's the learning opportunity. But I said, okay, it was
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: a headshot. She needed a headshot, and our printer would
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: not print it. I mean it printed like a ghost figure,
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: like it didn't have enough anchor or something. So I
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: was like, okay, I'll send it to Walgreens and I'll
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: pick it up and I'll bring it to the end
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: ofctice for you to turn in. But if she would
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: have planned ahead of time, we would have known that
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: the printer wasn't getting print it right, you know, and
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: all of that right, And I kind of got into
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: lecture mode of like, Gabs, you know you're going to
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: be in high school. I promise you this year. I'm
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: not going to rescue you. You know, if you if
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: something comes up missing or you don't have what you need,
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: you're going to have to figure out alternatives, because that's life.
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: Nobody rescues me.
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: Right, And that's what did she have to be? Like, Mom,
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: I get it.
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she had to say, Mom, lecturing me right now
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: before my cheer interview isn't going to help me. And
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: I would appreciate it if you would stop.
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: And that's a firm boundary.
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: And I said, you're totally right, Babe, chose to do
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: it with me. You're totally right. It can be a
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: control freak sometimes, I said, I'm lecturing, and that's not
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: going to help you right now. I said, Baby, when
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: it comes to really big things in life, you'll always
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: be able to count on me. But like if like
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: we're you're going to have to troubleshoot a whole lot
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: before you bring me into the picture. And I want
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: you to learn that level of responsibility and problems solving.
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: JP did this to me a couple of weeks ago
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: because I cleaned his room. Now my son's gonna be nineteen.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: I know, it seems a little ridiculous that I still
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: go down and clean his room, but I was having
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: company and a tornado had gone off, a bomb, an
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: actual bomb had gone off, and I get like, he,
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: you know, he's protective over his you know, privacy, and
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: he deserves that. I mean, he's almost nineteen. But he
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: came upstairs and he was very kind and he just said, Mom,
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: I don't need you to clean my room anymore. And
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, understandable. I was like, it's not any
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: I said, I promise you I was not trying to
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: invade your privacy. He was like, that's not what it's about.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: I just don't need you to do it anymore. And
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: I was like, that's completely fair, and that's what I mean,
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: Like it's okay, Like I take accountability that sometimes I
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: can kind of like, well, I want to control every
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: you know, space in my home, and it's okay for
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: him to come to me and say I don't need
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: you to do this anymore and respect it.
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, in all fairness though, he needs clean room, right, Yeah,
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: Like I don't want your daughterence. I think you're not
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: saying it's like, okay, well then you do it.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: I did say that too, just I was like, okay,
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: well then you need to clean your room. I respect that.
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: But again, this is about reciprocal respect.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, and reciprocal respect has to happen when your children
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: are young, and it has to happen when your children
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: are adults. Because again, I just want to I just
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: really want to hammer in this point that if you
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: take an authoritarian parenting style with your kids, you will
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: get one. You will get rebellious kids. We know that
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: from the science. We know authoritarian parenting causes rebellion. Think
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: about the kids that went off the deep end? Did
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: they have controlling parents? I bet you they did? Or
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: too permissive parents That can cause it as well, too
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: much permissiveness and too much control. There is a sweet spot.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: We call it authoritative parenting. It is the parenting type
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: that is correlated with the most success and secure attachment
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: and back a couple. I don't know, maybe months ago
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: we did a a pod on raising secure children. I
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: get so many questions about raising secure children and I
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: really want to do a course on that, and that's
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: in the future goals. Yeah, but I think one thing
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: I want people to take away is respect at any
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: age is always something you owe people, even if that
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: respect is directed towards protecting yourself from someone who is
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: hurting you with their emotional immaturity. So like a boundary
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: is both respectful to them, because enabling people's bad behavior
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: isn't loving, So a boundary is respectful to someone else,
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: and it's respectful to yourself. And just because they are
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: your parent doesn't mean they have the authority to tell
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: you how to live your life, to parent your children.
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: You are the parent to completely disregard your rules regarding
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: your kids. If they are grandparents, to meddle in your
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: romantic relationship in any way without you asking them to,
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: those things are inappropriate, and you have to be able
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: to lovingly say Nope, you're not doing that, or if
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: your parent is say highly critical of you. Right, you
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: know what, this doesn't feel good to me. This conversation
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: feels overly critical and disrespectful. So I think I'm going
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: to remove myself from it. You know, when you're ready
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: to be to be kind and to be cordial and respectful.
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: You know, let me know and we'll have a talk.
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: And that's a statement most people can't argue with, right, right, and.
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: Then you walk away. I don't know how many times
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: I had to do it with my dad. I remember,
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: like months before he died, me doing it me just
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: he had said some really awful things about which was
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: interesting because he kind of came to Christ a little
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: bit on his deathbed, just about how, you know, my
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: beliefs were too narrow just being a Christian and this
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: and that. And I was like, Dad, I said, I'm
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: never gonna waiver on my faith in Jesus Christ. I said,
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: I know that you have different religions that you buy
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: into and things that you believe in. I said, but
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to listen to you disrespect my Lord
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: and Savior. That goes beyond what I can tolerate. So
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: I'm going to leave now. And that's completely fair, right,
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: I'm not no, Because his goal was to challenge me
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: and to make me feel stupid. Yeah, yeah, you know
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: about how I'm so close minded. That was the goal
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: in that conversation, and it was very apparent that that
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: was the goal, right, that you're too close minded. And
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: it's like there are certain things, you know, I will
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: be very open minded about, but Jesus Christ not being
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: my Lord and Savior is not something I'm going to
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: be open minded about.
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: And I think you know, I mean, I can't. I can't.
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: It's seven years is a long time. In fact, I
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: can't believe my mom's been gone for seven years. It
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: feels like it's been so long. But if anything, I
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: do wish I had the opportunity. There's been so many
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: moments since raising a teenager. And I'll end on this
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: because I think that she deserves this. There's been so
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: many moments that I've wanted to just say, as hard
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: as it was at times with you as my mother,
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: you were right about so many things too. She really was.
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: She was right about so many things. And there were
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: times where I was not doing the right thing and
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: she was doing her best to interfere. She just didn't
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: go about it the right way. Right.
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: It's sometimes it's in the delivery. Right now, I would
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: say the same thing for my dad. I think my
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: dad had really good intentions. And when I gave his
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: eulogy at his funeral, because you know, I try. I
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: tried till the day he died to be peaceful with him,
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: and I said, there were so many things that he
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: told me when I was growing up that I thought
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: he was crazy and stupid, and that he was actually
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: very right about Yeah, but my dad just didn't have
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: a lot of credibility with me. And that's the thing
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: that can hurt you in the parental child relationship. You'll
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: lose credibility with your kids. Well the parent, Yeah, you're
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: not going to listen, you're trust there, No, you break
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: their trust and they're not going to listen to you
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: to make good decisions. And so that is why we
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: do owe our children respect. They are little humans and
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: trust and trust and trust until they break it.
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: And one of the things that I try to say
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: to my kids is like, thank you for allowing me
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: to trust you with that, right, thank you for allowing
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: me to trust you with that, because it puts a
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: whole perspective on that for them, like, oh, I'm being
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: entrusted with us.
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a big responsibility, right exactly. So I think
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: that's a great place to wrap up because trust is
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: always important, honesty and trust. So, of course, of course
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: the achieving attachment security. Hybrid Group program is wonderful no
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: matter what, whether you're not trying to navigate a romantic relationship,
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: a relationship with a parent, relationships with your children. Yeah,
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: it kind of spans the whole relationship dynamic.
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: It spans it completely, and so it changes how you
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: interact with every.
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: Everyone, I mean, your ball, any any relationship. So please
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: go check out doctor Hinsley Services at the lovedoc dot com.
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of like new things, new announcements.
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: We have merch now that is live.
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: So but there's the stickers are cute.
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: The stickers are super cute, and the trucker huts are cute.
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: They're very cute.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: So we need to get someone where I'm on the
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: next episode, especially the one that says healed by the
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: Love Doc. I really like that one. Those are cute.
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: So yeah, go check out our merch Go check out
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: doctor Hensley Services, and of course for all of our listeners,
• 48:54
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• 48:59
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• 49:00
  Speaker 2: That's our special discount, our most specialt most specialist people.
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: Which is you love you guys so much. Please continue
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: to tune in, listen, like, subscribe. We are so close
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: to season two. We're gonna get a new set, lots
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: of exciting things coming down the pipeline, so stay tuned
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: and until next time, peace, love, and perspective.