Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: You walk into the weekly team meeting, and you already know which two people are going to get the interesting projects. The boss calls on them first, laughs at their jokes, gives them the client leads with the biggest commission potential. And everyone else just sits there, trying not to look frustrated. Luna: It is one of the most demoralizing dynamics in any office. And it's also incredibly common. I've been on teams where it was so blatant that people stopped volunteering ideas because they knew they'd never get the green light anyway. Lucas: Right. And the research backs up how damaging this is. A study from the University of Amsterdam a few years ago found that when employees perceive strong favoritism, team productivity can drop by as much as 30 percent. And turnover intent jumps by over 40 percent. It basically tells the majority of the team: your effort doesn't matter. Luna: So what do you actually do when you're in that seat? You're not the favorite. You're competent, you're reliable, but you're not getting the breaks. Lucas: Let's use a concrete example. A friend of mine — let's call her Sarah — was a senior account manager at a mid-size SaaS company. Her boss, the sales director, had two clear favorites. They got the top five accounts, they got first pick on new inbound leads, they got invited to the strategy meetings that everyone else found out about after the fact. Luna: And what was Sarah getting? The leftovers, basically. Lucas: Exactly. She was hitting her numbers, but she was capped because she didn't have the same quality of accounts. And when she asked for a shot at a bigger client, the boss said something like, 'Let's see how things go next quarter.' The same brush-off, quarter after quarter. Luna: So what did she do? Lucas: She started documenting. Not in an emotional way — she kept a simple log. Dates, times, specific examples of when accounts were assigned, when meeting invites went out, who got included on which email threads. She didn't confront anyone yet. She just built a factual record. Luna: That's smart. Because if you go to HR with a feeling, they can wave it away. If you go with a spreadsheet showing that over six months, the same two people got 80 percent of the high-value leads, that's harder to ignore. Lucas: Right. And Sarah also did something else — she identified a mentor two levels above her boss. She reached out to a vice president in a different region and asked for a 15-minute informational interview. She didn't complain. She just said she wanted to learn more about the strategic side of the business. Luna: That's a classic skip-level move. And it serves two purposes: you build an ally who sees your talent, and you start creating a paper trail of your initiative that exists outside your immediate boss's control. Lucas: Exactly. The VP eventually became a reference for her when she started looking internally for a transfer. But here's the thing — Sarah also had to have a hard conversation with herself. Was she willing to leave? Because sometimes the only winning move is to exit. Luna: That's the part people don't want to hear. But if the boss is entrenched and the culture tolerates it, you can't fix the system by yourself. Lucas: Before we go further — and this connects to what you just said about the system — I want to mention something. If you've gotten value from episodes like this, if they've helped you think through a career decision or a tough conversation, there's a simple way to make sure we keep making them. It's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's it. A few dollars a month — the price of one actual coffee — genuinely makes a difference in keeping this show ad-free and focused on what's useful. Luna: Yeah, it's a small gesture that adds up. And it means we don't have to run ads. So if you're a regular listener, that link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Okay, back to Sarah. Lucas: So Sarah did end up having a conversation with her boss. She framed it around results, not resentment. She said, 'I want to grow my accounts to the next level. Can we set a concrete milestone for when I can compete for the top-tier leads?' Luna: How did the boss respond? Lucas: Defensively at first. He said something like, 'I give accounts based on readiness, not seniority.' But because she had her documentation, she was able to say, 'I understand. Can we define what readiness looks like? Is it a revenue target? A certification? A specific skill?' She made him put criteria on the record. Luna: And by doing that, she shifted the dynamic. Now if he kept excluding her without meeting his own criteria, it became harder to justify. Lucas: Exactly. He eventually agreed to a six-month plan. She hit every target. And you know what happened? He still didn't give her the plum accounts. That's when she knew the system wasn't going to change. Luna: So she left? Lucas: She did. But she left on her terms. She used the contacts she'd built — including that VP — to land a job at a competitor with a bigger title and a 20 percent raise. And the VP actually gave her a glowing recommendation. Luna: That's the ideal outcome, but it's not always possible. What about people who can't just leave? Maybe they're in a smaller market, or they have a non-compete, or they need the health insurance. Lucas: If you can't leave, you have to change the game. One tactic is to make yourself invaluable to someone above your boss. Volunteer for cross-functional projects that get you visibility with other leaders. Build a reputation that's bigger than your boss's opinion of you. Luna: I've seen that work. I worked with a woman whose boss always gave the best projects to her golf buddy. She started a company-wide initiative on process improvement that got her noticed by the COO. Within a year, she was reporting to a different director. Lucas: Right. And sometimes you can use the favoritism itself. If the favorites are getting all the exposure, ask to shadow them on a big account. Say you want to learn. It's hard for a boss to say no to professional development, and it puts you in the room. Luna: But what if the boss actively blocks you? Like, they say no to the shadowing, they say no to the cross-functional project. Lucas: Then you have to decide: is this a battle worth fighting through HR, or is it time to plan an exit? HR can be a mixed bag. If the boss is a high performer and the company values revenue over fairness, they may not act. But if you have clear documentation and a pattern that could expose the company to a discrimination claim — even if it's not based on a protected class — they might step in. Luna: Because favoritism itself isn't illegal. But if it creates a hostile environment or if it correlates with race, gender, age, that's a different story. Lucas: Exactly. And the key is to frame it as a business problem, not a personal grievance. 'The team is losing top performers because the allocation of resources isn't transparent.' That language gets attention. Luna: So let's say someone listening is in that seat right now. What's the first thing they should do tomorrow? Lucas: Start the log. Write down three examples from the last month where you lost an opportunity due to favoritism. Be specific: date, what was at stake, who got it instead. Then ask yourself: is this a pattern? If it is, you have a decision to make. And you don't have to make it today. But start building your options. Luna: And don't isolate yourself. Talk to trusted peers — not to gossip, but to see if others perceive the same thing. Sometimes you're not alone, and a group can advocate more effectively. Lucas: One last thing. If you do decide to have a conversation with your boss, practice it. Role-play with a friend. The goal is to sound like a professional who wants to contribute more, not a wounded child who wants fairness. 'Fairness' is a weak argument in most workplaces. 'I can deliver more value if I have access to X' is stronger. Luna: That's a good note to end on. Next episode we'll talk about something related: how to handle a boss who lies to upper management about your performance. Lucas: That's a tough one. We'll see you then.