Latest / Beautifully Complex / 338: It’s the Small Things that Make the Biggest Impact, with Penny Williams

Transcript

338: It’s the Small Things that Make the Biggest Impact, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: So we're really looking at not just that surface progress
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: like well, we completed another grade, or my kid got
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: on a roll, or my kid didn't drop out this year,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: or my kid finally learned to tie their shoes or
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: ride a bike. We're looking at building those internal management
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: skills that create a foundation for being able to thrive.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back, friend. I
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: am going to talk today a little bit about how
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: it's the small things that make the biggest impact. Here.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: At the end of the year, I always like to
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: reflect back on what has really gone right over the year,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: right because there's so many challenges. There are so many
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: tough moments for us as parents, for our kids, for
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: us emotionally when our kids are having a hard time,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: and so I like to just try to look back
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: and notice some small things, because those tiny things make
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: the biggest impact. Sometimes you've done more this year than
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: you realize. I promise you. It may feel like you're
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: not making progress, it may feel like your kid isn't
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: making progress, and you might not be making big, sweeping progress,
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: but you are making some progress. I promise. One thing
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: for my own kid, who is twenty three now, that
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I have noticed this past year is that he's starting
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: to really focus on what he wants for himself, to
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: focus on what he wants for his future. And that
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: has been really tough. With time blindness and this idea
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: that things are either now or not now, and not
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: now is like not on my mind right. It's a
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: struggle that is common with ADHD, and so it's been
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: really tough to think about your future and what you
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: might need to be doing now in order to get
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: that life that you want later. This conversation is really
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: going to be all about strengthening those roots that you
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: can't see. Remember, just like with our kids, there's so
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: much more underneath going on than what we really see
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: on the surface. The same is true for how we
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: are building skills resilience, building them up, emotional intelligence. All
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: of those things are the roots that help them to succeed,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: to help things to be doable. And so we're really
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: looking at not just that surface progress like well, we
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: completed another grade, or my kid got on a roll,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: or you know, my kid didn't drop out this year,
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: or you know, my kid finally learned to tie their
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: shoes or ride a bike. We're looking at building those
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: internal management skills that create a foundation for being able
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: to thrive, for being able to feel and really achieve fulfillment.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: The nervous system always learns through repetition, not grand gestures.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: So our nervous system is looking for glimmers, those little
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: tiny moments of safety, those tiny moments where our body goes, ah, right,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I've got this, I'm good. Things for me that are
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: glimmers are toes in the sand of the beach, which
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: doesn't happen very often, a really beautiful sunset, like big
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: puffy pink clouds. I live in the mountains, so sometimes
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: we have shadows from the clouds overlaying the mountains, and
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: that is really beautiful. Those things give me little sparks
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: of safety and little moments of peace. And that's what
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: we're talking about. With glimmers. So these are little, tiny
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: things that we want to repeat in order to help
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: our nervous system feel safer and safer and safer. These
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: are not big, grand gestures. We're not going to suddenly
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: go from a nervous system that is very frequently triggered,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: may be very sensitive, to a nervous system that feels
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: safe ninety nine percent of the time. Right, And I'm
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: not sure that a ninety nine percent of the time
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: feeling safe is a realistic goal for any human being.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: I don't think any of us feel safe our nervous
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: systems feels safe and settled that much, because we all
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: ebb and flow through regulation and struggle. Right, So tiny
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: cues of safety are going to create the conditions for
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: that bigger growth later. Think of it like building a snowball.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: We start with just this little tiny bit of snow
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: that we can sort of pound together in our hands
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: and get it to stick. But then as we roll it,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. We're not adding
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: a ton to it at one time. We're just adding
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: a few flakes each time we roll. But those few
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: flakes are compounding and making it bigger and bigger, right,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: So connection can be a tiny cue of safety. Connection
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: with your kid leaving a note for them. This is
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: something that I love to do. I coach clients to
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: do all the time. I just had a coaching clients say,
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: you know, I left a note on my kid's door
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the other day, my teenager. I don't even remember what
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: the note was about something that the parent noticed, and
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: the kid actually came to her and said, thank you
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: so much for this note. This was really cool. This
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: made me feel good. So the tiniest little things. Remember,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: you know, if your kid did their chore and you
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: didn't have to remind them, or you only had to
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: remind them once, when normally you have to remind them
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: five times. Go leave a little post it on their
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: pillow or their bedroom door or their bathroom mirror, saying
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: I noticed this and I'm really proud, or just noticing
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: it alone makes a big difference. We tend to overlook
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: these sort of micro winds for many reasons. We're exhausted,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: we're overwhelmed, we're comparing ourselves to other parents, other families,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: other families kids. We fear that we're not doing enough
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: as a parent, that somehow we are failing our kid,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: and so that stuff screams really loudly at us because
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: our brains are wired for the feelings of not safety,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: those negative things to stick and be louder because it
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: is there to protect us. So back in like caveman days,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: when we were going out and hunting and gathering food
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: and there were lions and tires and bears at every turn,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: we needed a super sensitive autonomic nervous system trigger to say, ooh,
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: I sense danger. I'm going to react in a way
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: that is going to keep my body safe or at
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: least attempt to. And now we don't need so much
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: of that, but our brains are still wired the same way.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Our nervous system still has a louder voice when it
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: is feeling threatened then when it feels safe. And so
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: we tend to overlook those tiny winds because we're overwhelmed
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: by all of the other stuff that is hard. That
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: is not your fault, but it is something that you
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: can work on. It is something that you can use
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: some mindfulness and try to every day pick out one
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: tiny little wind and notice it. Just take that thirty
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: seconds to stop and notice a micro wind from the day,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: and do it every day and that will build safety
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: for you. But also if you're transparent about that, you're
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: modeling this great practice for your kid as well. So
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: small things compound. Always think about the snowball. I have
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: like a few examples I want to share with you
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: about what I mean by small things, like what do
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: these really small micro winds look like? In real life?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: It could be a kid who still resists homeworks, still
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: doesn't like it, but now comes back to the table
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: after taking a breather, a little break instead of shutting
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: down and refusing to do it for the entire day.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: It might be a teen or a young adult who
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: repairs in twenty minutes instead of three days. I don't
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: know about you, but I have been through some long
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: silent periods from my kids at times, and when they
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: start to be able to repair faster, to process and
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: move forward faster, that's a win. It might be that
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: you're a parent who catches your own bodyguard that nervous
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: system signals of being unsafe before reacting and choosing maybe
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: connection over correction over trying to control that situation. You
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: might shift from making your kid do something to asking
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: yourself what is actually getting in the way, What is
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: the struggle here that is causing them not to be
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: able to do this, shifting that thinking from won't to can't.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: And these aren't really minor, folks. These are new pathways
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: forming in the brain, their connection, their relationship. They are
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: growth in safety. And the more things happen to us,
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: the more our brain wires for them. That is true
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: with both the positive and the negative. So again we
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: really have to focus and be intentional about noticing these microwinds.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: So we're talking all about here that nervous system first
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: lends if we think about the nervous system first, what
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: is it telling me? What is the signal it's sending me,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: What state is it in? What does that state mean?
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Does my kid need movement? Does my kid need less
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: and quieter and slower? These are the things that really
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: build long term regulation and long term emotional intelligence. It
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: also just creates this parenthood that's a lot more successful.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: If you're trying to force your kid to do something
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: and they physiologically can't do it, you're never going to
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: succeed and everybody is going to feel really, really bad.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: But if you're looking at the nervous system first and
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: saying does this kid feel safe? Are they regulated? If
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: they are not regulated, what is it telling me that
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: they need? And what can I do to change this?
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: That is going to make a much bigger difference for
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: you and your care coregulation. That borrowing of each other's
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: nervous system energy changes your kid's trajectory more quietly than
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: you expect. Again, you're not going to see this big
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: sweeping change all at once. That safety and connection is
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: going to build over time, and those things create do ability.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Those things create emotions that we want to last, like
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: joy and fun and laughter and playfulness. Lived in growth
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: is really the goal here. Lived in growth. We are
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: not going to create a lot of big breakthroughs people.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Is just not the way it works with our nerd
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: divergent kids, and truly with all human beings. Think about
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: how many like big sweeping breakthroughs you've had where something
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: just magically changed overnight with so much better. Better just
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: doesn't really happen. So the reality is that they are
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: slow lived in growth, those micro moments that build and build.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I want you to consider where did your kids show
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: you something this year, this little micro growth, even if
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: it wasn't dramatic, Really think back about some things, some
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: things that might have gone a little better than you expected.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to give you a reflection practice here
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: in just a minute when we finish out this episode.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that you often feel really alone in this parenting.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: I am certain that you feel a lot of doubt
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: in what you're doing, whether you're doing the right thing,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: whether you're offering the right things. I am sure that
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: you feel that nobody else sees how hard you're working,
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: because you feel that the measure of that is your
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: kid's success, big success, and that may not be happening
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: right now. I see you, I know what this feels like.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: I have walked this path before you. I see how
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: hard you are trying. And I promise you that your
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: kid feels the difference, even if they can't name it,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: even if they don't acknowledge it, they're not showing gratitude
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: for it. They feel it. They feel how much you
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: want to help them, how much you want to create
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: something better for everyone. Remember, perfection doesn't exist. We measure
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: progress by a forward movement, a forward trajectory, and sometimes,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: in all honesty, sometimes there is some regression, right, that
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: is part of this journey. But when we are making
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: progress in a forward movement. That progress that counts, no
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: matter how tiny that step is. So here is a
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: really simple year in reflection practice that I would love
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: for you to take five minutes and think about or
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: make notes about. Here are the questions. Name one moment
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: that your kids showed a new skill or more capacity,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: more resilience, maybe being able to try hard things for
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: a longer amount of time. Just one moment from the year.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Then name one moment that you responded differently than you
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: would have a year ago because you're changing and progressing. Also,
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: name one pattern that softened. Maybe there is a typical trigger,
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: a typical response pattern, and maybe that's starting to fade
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: a little bit. Maybe that's not happening quite as frequently
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: as it was before. And then your last question for
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: yourself is to name one thing that you want to
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: bring into this new year of twenty twenty six intentionally.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: And I want you to keep it very bite sized,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: very doable. I want you to give yourself permission to
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: take care of yourself, to parent differently, to let go
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: of some demands at times. You don't need giant leaps
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: to change your family's story, folks, You just don't. Those
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: small things are actually big things in our parenting world.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: So notice one small thing today. Try to keep that
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: going as a daily practice and really let it count
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: and show that to your kids, model to them that
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: you are working on being intentional at noticing those small
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: moments of progress, those small glimmers. You are not alone, folks.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: You're not alone. I promise you they're There's so many
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: parents out there listening to this podcast right now, nodding
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: their head in agreement, feeling it, being in a similar space.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: You're not alone, and we're in this together. I am
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: here to help you to walk this path in a
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: way that makes you proud, in a way that you
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: want to show up for your kid. As always, you
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: can go to PARENTINGADHD autism dot com to check out
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: the show notes for this episode and also all of
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: the resources that I provide outside of the podcast for
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: families just like yours. I will see you on the
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: next episode. Take good care, folks, I see you. You're
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have to
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: do it alone. If you found this episode helpful, share
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: it with someone who needs it and leave a quick
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: review so others can find this support too. When you're
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: ready for next steps, the Regulated Kid's Project is here
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: with the tools, coaching, and community to help you raise
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at regulated
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: kids dot com.